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Dot's
Diary
By Craig M. J. Marinaro [Interior of the water tower. It is empty. As the door swings open, it is evident that it is around sunset, as a beautiful orangish-pinkish light fills the room. YAKKO & WAKKO bounce in, followed by a tired-looking DOT.] YAKKO: Wow! What a day! Anvils, mallets, nurses… WAKKO: And even more abuse of the "two places at once" bit! FABOO! YAKKO: Yeah, what fun! The screams, the terror, the embarrassed people with their pants down! Oh, it was great! Right, Dot? Dot…? DOT: [Just plunking down at the table with a mug of coffee. The mug is shaped like her head. She looks worn-out.] Huh…? Oh, yeah, fun. *Sigh* [Plunks her head down on the table.] YAKKO: Um…Dot…? Howabout some enthusiasm? DOT: [Perking up a bit] Sorry, guys…I guess I'm just a bit tuckered after a long day. WAKKO: I'm hungry! YAKKO: So'm I…I know! Let's go down to the Commissary! Then we can scare all the people away. They will flee to the streets, leaving all the food for us! Wakko, are you pondering what I'm pondering? WAKKO: Um…I think so, Yakko…then we'd have yet another chance to do that "two places at once" gag…as well as that "right behind you" bit… YAKKO: Egad, Wakko, that's brilliant! Well, it's time to put our plan into action! Eeeeehhhhh…you comin', Dot? DOT: [Head slumped on the table again] Nah, I'd just spoil your fun. Go ahead without me. YAKKO: Suit yourself. [Y&W begin to exit.] WAKKO: [Whispered to YAKKO.] Geez, you'd think all that coffee would make her a *little* perky… YAKKO: [Whispered] Ah, it's just a phase…she'll get over it… [The two exit, leaving DOT alone. We pan over to DOT. She is still slumped down, but as the door slams, she perks up a bit again. She looks cautiously around. Seeing no one, she reaches under the table, and pulls out a book labeled "Dot's Diary".] DOT: Hee hee…boy, if the guys ever found out I have a diary, they'd never let me hear the end of it… [She opens the book. As she flips through the pages, we see various written entries, as well as pictures she has drawn…"Dot & Mel", an anvil falling on Mr. Director, and a shot that seems to be from the computer game "Smoocher!" She flips to a clean page, and begins writing…] DOT VO: Dear Diary, Well, yet another day stolen…another chunk taken out of my precious life…no matter how hard I try, I just can't have a nice, quiet day occasionally. Not that I have anything against anvils or mallets, or even that stupid "two places at once" bit…but my brothers take it to the extreme sometimes. A day off now and then would be nice… Anyway, it all started this morning… [We open on a gorgeous morning on the WB Lot. The sun is just rising, sending a beautiful pinkish light all over the lot. We pan towards the water tower, then cut to the inside. The three lie in bed as shown in "Chairman of the Bored". Suddenly, an alarm goes off. It is DOT's. She awakes instantly and stuffs the thing under her pillow to muffle it. She looks to make sure that her brothers are still asleep, then pulls the clock out. It has stopped ringing by now. It says "6:00 AM". She smiles. She slips out of bed. She pulls open a drawer. She jumps in, and pops out a few seconds later, in her pink dress, with a toothbrush in her mouth. She pulls it out, gargles, and runs to the fridge. She pulls out a basket from behind her back. She sets it on the floor in front of the fridge, then commences to jump inside the fridge and throw all the food she can find into the basket. It is now piled to the ceiling, and looks like there is no way she could shut it. However, she just pushes the lid and all the food goes right in, as she pushes the lid down.] DOT: [To us] It's just a little thing I do. [She then picks up the basket. As she prepares to walk out, a DOT VO narrates, courtesy of her diary…] DOT VO: It was perfect. It was exactly 6:15 AM. The boys wouldn't be up for forty-five minutes, at least. I could sneak out, completely unnoticed, and spend a calm, peaceful day on some secluded shore, or in a quiet forest, or wherever I wanted. I could have a peaceful picnic and head home at the end of the day, refreshed and ready for more zaniness the next day. But then, just when it seemed perfect, fate took a cruel turn. [As DOT is just about to go out the door, she trips. All the food goes flying out of the basket to the lot below. Suddenly, as if he has some sort of connection with the food, WAKKO jumps out of bed and races to the door.] WAKKO: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [He jumps out the door and falls with the food for a moment. Then, his feet screech as if he's pulling to a stop in midair.] STOP! [As if obeying his command, all the food stops in midair, as does he. He then walks around gathering the stuff in midair, then walks on some invisible ladder to the tower.] [By now, YAKKO is up too, and looking angrily at DOT, who looks rather sheepish.] YAKKO: Would you care to explain this, sister sibling? You almost gave your brother a heart attack… DOT: Er…eh-heh…well, I had planned on taking a picnic…didn't I tell you? YAKKO: No…and, besides, you know what we had planned for today… DOT: The same thing we do everyday… WAKKO: [Recovering from his shock.] Try to take over the world? YAKKO: No…anvils, nurses, etc…. DOT: Yeah, yeah, I know…look, can't I just have a nice day to myself today? YAKKO: Sorry, sis, we need ya. Not today. [We see a heartbroken DOT standing there as another Diary VO comes on…] DOT VO: And there went my day. It just didn't seem fair. We *always* did what they wanted…why couldn't I have a day to myself once in awhile? So, I set my mind to it…I was determined to have my day. I did my most deadly "cute/sad" look…even my brothers couldn't resist it. [Dot puts on an adorable sad look which could melt Kellner's heart…YAKKO begins to sweat.] YAKKO: Dot…I told you… DOT: [Beginning to cry a bit] It's alright…I understand…I'll just do what you want…*sniff*…I don't mind, really… [Her eyes fill with tears.] [By now, Y&W are both looking around nervously, obviously about to give in to their sister's talent.] YAKKO: Eeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh, tell ya what, sis…if you'll help us with our 'toony stuff till noon, we'll let you off, and you can go do, eeeeehhhhh…whadeva girls do… DOT: [Back to herself.] Um…alright, fine. So, uh…let's get started! [We cut to the outside of the tower. By now, the sun is pretty much risen, it's probably between 7 and 8 AM. YW&D bounce out of the tower, and run amuck across the WB Lot.] WAKKO: Where's the food?! DOT: Where's Mel?! YAKKO: Where's Dana Delaney?! DOT: Um…not working anymore? YAKKO: Oh, right…well, sibs, who shall we bug first? WAKKO: Someone who really deserves it! DOT: MOVIE STARS! Y&W: YEAH! DOT VO: Well, what could I do? I had to go through four hours of bugging the heck out of Hollywood actors, with big anvils, mallets, and smooches. What could I do but make the most of it? After all, I've always enjoyed a little romp, and it was a fun way to start off the day before I headed out for my peaceful picnic... [The WARNERS run around the lot, causing utter chaos.] YAKKO: [Running up to CHRISTOPHER WALKEN.] Hello. CHRIS W.: Hullo. YAKKO: Yakko Warner. CHRIS W.: Chris Walken. I'm going to rule the world. YAKKO: How interesting. CHRIS W.: Yes, well...have I ever told you about the dream where I'm riding my car, and, all of a sudden, I see the headlights of an oncoming car. I suddenly feel the almost irrepresible urge to...swerve and meet this oncoming car. I can almost hear the clang of metal, the breaking of glass, the... YAKKO: Yes, well, eeeeehhhhh...it's been nice chatting with you! Bye! [Grabs CHRIS W.'s underwear and gives him a wedgie.] CHRIS W.: [With not much expression.] Yeeeeoooooowwwwww. [YAKKO runs away.] [WAKKO walks up to FANBOY, who is bugging WILLIAM SHATNER.] WILLIAM S.: WILL YOU PLEASE GET A LIFE, YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!! WAKKO: Hello. FANBOY: [To WAKKO.] Ooo, I love your show! Can I have your autograph? WAKKO: [Makes a gookie.] Um...I dunno. WILLIAM S.: At-last-he's...diverted. [Into a sponge.] Beam-me-up...Squatty. [He is beamed up.] FANBOY: Oh, I've seen all your episodes 2,381,509,173 times, and I have some goofs that I think you'd enjoy discussing. We'll start with episode # 59, the short entitled "Ragamuffins", production number 406-849, written by Tom Minton, which takes place in 1929, although it was CLEARLY stated in the Newsreel opening that you were created in 1930, and in episode # 92, "The Macadamia Nut", production # 407-141, which was first aired months after the Macarena craze had passed, and there are several coloring errors, some of which were corrected in future airings, but I would like to bring to your attention a frame near the end, in which Pip Pumphandle is... WAKKO: I'VE GOTTA GO!!!!!!!!! [Flees in terror.] FANBOY: WAIT! YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION ABOUT FRAME # 5,054 IN "MEET MINERVA"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [DOT walks up to some teen heartthrob.] DOT: Hello. TEEN HEARTTHROB: Hello. I'm Corey Jonathan Taylor-DiCaprio. I've been in "Teen Beat", "Teen Feet", "Teen Meat", "Teen Steam", "Teen Scream", "Teen Extreme", "Teen--"... DOT: Yeah, yeah, put a lid on it, Pretty Boy. TEEN HEARTTHROB: Don't you want to drool uncontrollably? DOT: Well, yeah, either that or blow you up. I forget which. But the second choice is much more fun, so... [Hands him a bomb.] TEEN HEARTTHROB: YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] [BABY PLUCKY walks up.] BABY PLUCKY: He goed boooooooooooooommmmmmm. DOT: [Hands him the ashes from TEEN HEARTTHROB.] Here ya go, junior. You know what to do. BABY PLUCKY: Doooooooowwwwwwwwwnnnnnn the hooooooooooollllllllle. DOT: Good boy. [Pats him on the head.] [Exit BABY PLUCKY.] DOT: Sweet kid. [YAKKO and WAKKO run up.] WAKKO: I've got a rabid fanboy after me! YAKKO: And I've got Christopher Walken! DOT: Boys. Don't know how to deal with their problems. [Walks up to WALKEN & FANBOY.] Hi, wanna meet my pet? FB: Actually, yes. It has been discussed on the alt.tv.animaniacs newsgroup as to what exactly your pet is--it appears to be a cat, a dog, Mr. Director, the Alien from the film Alien, and Gossamer all rolled up into one big fuzzy ball... [DOT yawns and pulls out a box. Out pops her pet, who roars at the two.] CW: Hullo. I'm Christopher Walken. PET: YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Ducks back into the box and slams the top.] DOT: [To CW] Hm...how much would *YOU* charge to be my pet? [Suddenly, RALPH, DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF, and HELLO NURSE approach, all carrying nets. They come up behind the WARNERS and are about to put the nets over them. We cut to a Warner-eye-view shot of the three, looking down at us and about to put the nets down. They bring them down, and all is dark. Then, we cut to a shot of the three. The WARNERS are not in the nets, but are now somehow standing behind them.] YAKKO: Hello. [The WB staff spin around, surprised.] DOT: Ugh...not this bit *AGAIN*... WAKKO: Well, now what? [The staff crowd around YW&D, nets poised.] YAKKO: Eeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhh, I'd say we...*RUN!* [The WARNERS run about the lot, with RALPH and SNS chasing them. HN walks regular, following after them. They run through prop walls; knock over a ladder, along with the painter and paint which were on it, painting the Animaniacs logo on a building; do run-throughs on the sets of several great and not-so-great Warner Bros. films; and finally do that thing where they run around the frame of the TV screen, so that they are now upside down, on top of the screen. RALPH & SNS go skidding by and crash into something offscreen. YW&D then run away, still upside down.] [We cut to RALPH and SCRATCHY lying in a heap, with lots of props and such piled up around them. They are in front of a brick wall, which they have apparently just smashed into. HN walks up.] HN: Are you alright, Doctor? SNS: Ouchies. Ve need a new strategy. Ms. Nurse...? HN: Yes? SNS: Ze boys...zey vill follow you. Zey have ze crush on you. Zo, you vill bait zem into ze open, vere Ralph and I vill be vaiting to net zem. HN: What about the girl--Dot? SNS: Vonce her brothers come, she vill follow zem. Zen ve can lock zem up again vonce and for all! Zey'll be mine, all MIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! [PINKY walks up, and BRAIN follows.] PINKY: I have got to tell you, that is *THE* worst Peter Lorre I have ever heard. BRAIN: [In his best Lorre type mad scientist voice.] YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! SNS: I hate zose "voice actor dumping on his own impersonation" bits... PINKY: Me too...personally, I still don't buy it that the same guy does both our voices... SNS: Hm...I met zis Rob fellow once...nice chap, I zuppose, but he certainly doesn't do *ME*... BRAIN: Come, Pinky. [Drags PINKY off.] PINKY: *TROZ* SNS: Er...vere vere ve? HN: The plan...? SNS: Ah, yes...ze plan! Come! [Cut to the set of A Hard Day's Night. JOHN LENNON is playing the piano.] LENNON: [To the tune of "Yesterday"]: Scrambled eggs Oh, you have such lovely legs [The WARNERS pop out of the piano.] DOT: Hellllllllloooooooooo, teen idol nurse! YAKKO: Isn't this a rather dated reference? WAKKO: Yeah, but the writer couldn't resist putting in an obscure Beatles reference. I do like the way those guys talk... DOT VO: It was 10:00 AM. I was getting a bit antsy. But I still had two hours to go, and I must admit, I was having fun, so I decided to continue to make the best of it. DOT: So... who're we gonna bug now? YAKKO: Hm...WB Network executives? W&D: OK! [They are about to run over to the Network, when HN enters.] Y&W: Hellllllllloooooooo, nurse! HN: Hey, you cute little kids. Why don't you follow me? Y&W: Mmmmmmmmm... [They float through the air in a trance, and DOT follows close behind.] DOT: *Sigh* Boys. What are you gonna do? [As the come into the open, HN walks by. However, as the WARNERS walk out, seemingly dazed, they suddenly pull back, just as RALPH and SNS bring down their nets, causing them to net each other. They then bounce on the two and return to running amuck. YAKKO runs up to HN and leaps into her arms.] YAKKO: You're gorgeous and I'm single! It's perfect! just say the word! But careful: I'm fragile. [Cracks into a zillion pieces.] [Meanwhile, DOT drools over MEL GIBSON, and WAKKO eats a huge pizza.] RALPH: Daaaahhhhh...listen, youse t'ree...Mr. Plotz hases a mission for youse ta do...uuuuhhh, an we gotta bring youse ta him. YAKKO: Oooo, does the mission involve dropping huge anviles on people and doing that annoying "two places at once bit"? [Cut to SLAPPY at her TV.] SLAPPY: Ah, I give up. [Changes over to some Bugs Bunny reruns on ABC.] [Back to the WARNERS.] SNS: Yez, yez! You have to annoy somevone who really deserves it, and save the fate of this company! YAKKO: Yay! We get to drop anvils on Jamie Kellner until he quits! SNS: Eh...heh heh heh...joost follow us... [They do so.] DOT: Er...excuse me, but I've gotta go out on a picnic and have a nice, quiet time to myself, so you wouldn't mind if I ducked out of this...? SNS: Nein! If vone of you are in, all of you are in! DOT: Er...we don't all feel the same all the time, you know... [Whispered to YAKKO.] Yakko, you promised! YAKKO: Well, what can I do? DOT: [Very nervous] Well, he said "if one of us is in, all of us are in." Tell him none of us will do it! Then I can have my picnic! YAKKO: Eeeehhh...yeah...but this looks like it's gonna be a lot of fun! [DOT droops down, looking very dejected.] DOT VO: Well, that was the point that I knew my day was gone. Now, hope was futile. Plotzy would give us a mission, and I, as a loyal Warner Bros. employee, would be forced to participate. Once again, I would have to give up my beautiful, carefully-planned day... [Cut to PLOTZ's office.] PLOTZ: Warners, I have a tough job for you, but one that I think you can handle. You do, of course, recall your little "Hearts of Twilight" expedition? YAKKO: Ah, yes! Such memories! WAKKO: Such fun! DOT: Hmph. PLOTZ: *AHEM* Well, then...I have a similar mission for you...you see, Mr Director is making a sequel to... YAKKO: Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead? PLOTZ: No...actually, we have *THAT* sequel filming in soundstage 54...but I want you guys to go to soundstage 32. There, you will find Mr. Director, who is directing Waterworld 2. WAKKO: Wasn't that just a gag in one of our chain links? YAKKO: Yeah...but it was bound to happen! All bad films have even worse sequels! PLOTZ: Well, are there any objections? DOT VO: Oh, how I wanted to. But what good would it do? Plotz wouldn't listen, my brothers wouldn't listen...*sigh* No one can understand me...sure, I'm zany on the outside, but that doesn't mean I don't have my own feelings and needs... PLOTZ: Then you're off! Good luck, Warners! Y&W: YESSIR! [Zoom off, followed by a miserable-looking DOT, trotting slowly behind.] [Cut to the lot. The WARNERS are again walking through the run-down section of the studio, with soundstages old and dilapitated, and vines even growing on some.] YAKKO: [Looking at map] Hm...32, 32...AH-HA! [Points at the soundstage.] Come, sibs! We have work to do! [They head in. DENNIS HOPPER jumps out at them.] WAKKO: Look! It's Dennis Hopper! DENNIS H.: Ah-ha! I have you now! You are mine! It's over! Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-- [WAKKO smashes him with a mallet.] --owie. [Y&W progress, still followed slowly by DOT. Next, they approach a huge pool.] WAKKO: Ooo...I wonder what this is for. [KEVIN COSTNER jumps out. He's a half-fish.] YAKKO: Ah...it's where they house the star! [Silence.] *Ahem* [Silence] *A-HEM*. [Whispered to DOT.] Dot--your line. DOT: [Angry] You do it. YAKKO: Well...alright...but I feel kinda silly... [YAKKO does a spin-change sequence, and when the dust clears, he's in a dress, and he has a pink bow tying his ears.] WAKKO: Hee hee... YAKKO: Hey, Bugs Bunny dressed in drag all the time! Um...anyway...ahem... [Read script.] 'Kay, got it! [Throws script away.] [Jumps into KEVIN C.'s arms.] [In a rather high-pitched voice, almost mocking DOT's.] Helllllllllooooo, Merman Nurse! Are you married? KEVIN C.: Nooooooo. [As he says this, some rather nasty-looking stink lines come out of his mouth onto YAKKO's face.] YAKKO: Well, with fish-breath like that, it's no wonder! [Jumps out of his arms.] [Normal voice.] Hm, lesse..."Begins to sniff him in various places." [Stares blankly at the screen.] Eeeeeehhhhxsqueeze me? [Sniffs him around various places, and let's not be anal here...] Ew! You're spoiled! I'm calling the FDA to shut down this organization. [Flipping through script.] And it goes on, and on, and on like this...ah, let's just do it my way! [Grabs WAKKO's Wacky Sack. He then pulls out a bunch of piranhas, which somehow skip along the dry land, chasing and snapping at KEVIN C.] KEVIN C.: YAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! [Dives back into the pool, where the piranhas begin munchie time. Cut to YAKKO.] YAKKO: Don't look...it's not pretty. [Covers his eyes, then peeks and giggles a bit.] Well, come, sibs! It's off to the Director! [Enter MR. DIRECTOR, a la Darth Vader. Everything freezes.] MR. D.: [Serious voice] I...am me. And who might you be? YAKKO: We...are us! WAKKO: What a coincedence! MR. D.: [Zany voice.] OOOOOOOOO, you kids is funny! Be in the move I am making maybe you would, fein doten mavenshoil...? YAKKO: I'm afraid not. We're here to shut you down. You're coming with us. MR. D.: What, no! You can't stop me, from doing the thing, nuh-uh! Not until the fat lady sings at the ballpark, froinlaven! YAKKO: And what're ya gonna do to stop us? DOT VO: Well, by this time, I'd dozed off, because I'd gotten up at 6 AM, and this had been a rather long day...I's soon reret taking a nap, though... MR. D.: I'll tell you what I'll do, the girl here, sleeping, I take, the hostage thing! [Grabs DOT. She awakens, although she's a bit groggy.] You're not gonna stop me till it's done! [He turns around, and they're standing behind him.] YIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!! YAKKO: I'm afraid it is done. MR. D.: [Serious voice] Never. [Turns around, and the same thing happens again.] YYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!! [Spins around four more times, and each time they're right there.] [Zany voice.] Whoa, hey, how'd you do, you were there, but here now, how'd you do, for me to see? WAKKO: Um...yeah. Yakko? [YAKKO pulls out a remote, and pushes the single red button. Suddenly, a huge flood comes roaring in.] ALL: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [All run. However, the water soon catches up to them, and the four float on the surface, screaming, although Y&W appear to be having fun. Then, the flood brings the WARNERS out the door, but MR. D. is slammed into the wall above the door. YW&D land in the lot, safely.] YAKKO: Whoo-wee, that was fuuuuuuun! WAKKO: Let's do it again! DOT: Um...guys? [Y&W spin around, surprised because she hasn't spoken a word in hours.] DOT: Er...thanks...for saving my life. YAKKO: Sure. WAKKO: Anytime. WAKKO: Now, wasn't that more fun than some ol' picnic? DOT: Uh...yeah...yeah, sure. YAKKO: Well, let's head home, siblings. It's been a long day. [The three walk to the tower, as the sun sets.] [Back to present time.] DOT: [While writing in diary.] Thinking about it...perhaps peace and tranquility aren't all they're cracked up to be...maybe I don't really want that...maybe all I want is to prove that I'm different from my brothers in some way...maybe my inner child just wants to feel loved...maybe...whoa, I'm talking in idiotic psycho-babble! Forget I said anything. [She throws the diary into a fireplace.] [Y&W re-enter.] YAKKO: Boy, did you see how all those people went screaming for the hills? WAKKO: Yeah, especially when I started to play "Yankee Doodle" with my armpits! YAKKO: Ah, what fun! You okay, Dot? DOT: Yeah...yeah, I'm fine. YAKKO: So, uh...who's up for anvils tomorrow? DOT: ME! YAKKO: OK! Better tuck in...we've got a busy tomorrow... [Y&W jump into bed, and after a few bounces, settle and fall sound asleep. DOT stares for a bit, then smiles at the two, and jumps into her own bed in a similar fashion. As she drifts off, we see her dream: she is in a peaceful meadow, eating, reading, and petting the little forest animals. Then, RALPH, SNS, HN, as well as ELMYRA and various annoying Animaniacs cast members such as KATIE KA-BOOM, the HIP HIPPOS, the FLAME, the GOLD WRAPPING PAPER, etc., all enter. A rain of anvils reminiscent of Tiny Toon Adventures' "The Anvil Chorus" comes and smashes them all. DOT smiles at us, then pulls out the boom box seen in "Dot's Quiet Time" and begins to play the "Animaniacs Theme" as we fade out. DISCLAIMER Dot Warner, Yakko Warner, Wakko Warner, Ralph, Dr. Scratchansniff, Hello Nurse, Mr. Director, Mr. Plotz, Fanboy, Baby Plucky, Pinky, the Brain, Slappy Squirrel, Elmyra, Katie Ka-Boom, the Hip Hippos, the Flame, the Gold Wrapping Paper, and any other Animaniacs, Freakazoid!, or Tiny Toon Adventures characters used in this story are ™ and © Warner Bros., Inc., and are used here without the slightest teeniest littlelest bit of permission whatsoever, but no harm is meant. My sole purpose is to entertain. Whatever's left is © 1999 by Craig Marinaro. It may be redistributed freely, but please inform me before you do so, and keep this disclaimer intact. THEY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE! THEY CALLED ME MAD!: THEY WERE RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
