During the senses-shattering events of "Warner Academy 2", it was revealed
that everyones favorite Detroit-based policeman, Axel Foley, wished to cast his hat
into the political ring and run for the U.S. House of Representatives...however, as
Election Day 2000 approaches, what happens when a candidate that absolutely nobody wants
finds himself placed in a most unusual and serious situation?!
(Open on the state of Michigan, specifically the state capital, Lansing. A date at the
bottom of the screen reads "October 2000". We see various signs posted around
town reading "Axel In Da House (of Representatives)!", with half of them
plastered over with posters pushing "Pokemon", and graffiti over the other
half...we then cut to a news reporter standing on a streetcorner next to a poster...)
NEWSANCHOR: ...and in the latest polls, we find that Detroit police detective and
independent candidate Axel Foley's political hopes look dismal, indeed...out of a survey
of 500 indecisive and apathetic Michigan residents and a margin of error of 1%, an
overwhelming 88% favor Mr. Foley's main opponent, Mike Harper, 10% indecisive, while Mr.
Foley brings in only 2%...a most unfortunate fate for Mr. Foley, indeed. Various
oh-so-important pundits that are really well paid insist that Mr. Foley put aside his
foolish hopes, and go back to making Jerry Lewis movie remakes. But Axel Foley still holds
out hope that his promises of wiring our nation's schools with Verminator hall
monitors/cafeteria workers will pay off with the indecisive voters...will this promise
ultimately ring true with the voters, or will Mr. Foley spend his post-Election-Day
plotting another "Nutty Professor" sequel?
(We see the image of the newsanchor click off, and pan over to see that it was on a TV
screen inside of an office covered with Harper posters...we see seated at a desk is Mike
Harper himself, a balding, thin man with glasses. He eyes the set gleefully.)
MIKE: (Chuckling) Oh, Foley...I am going to be *so* pleased when I win the election in
a few weeks...and once elected, you *and* your zany friends are going to be *so* surprised
when you see what I plan to do! (Laughs maniacally, as we fade away to the Axel Foley
campaign staff, watching the report on TV...the headquarters is located inside of a
rundown looking strip mall somewhere in Detroit. The Warners and Axel eye the set with
YAKKO: How dare they say that about Axel? Why, he has as much chance of winning as the
*next* independent, non-party-belonging potty-mouthed guy!
AXEL: Yeah! (Pauses) HEY! Cut it out, ya crazy (bleep)...we've gotta figure out how to
get my (bleep)in' campaign back in order! (Sighs) So, how much money do we have left? We
*could* buy some more ad time, I guess.
DOT: Lessee...(looks at a clipboard) Uh...we have...the exact advertising budget the
studio gave us for "Wakko's Wish".
AXEL: (Slaps his forehead) *(BLEEP)*! That's it, then! We're *done for*!! That Harper
guy's gonna get elected...(Sits down, and glares at the floor) What'm I gonna do?
WAKKO: Uh...oooh, ooh! I *know*! We could go to---
AXEL: Oh, just *go*, already...you hungry (bleep) has been to that dumb restaurant next
door a zillion (bleep)in' times!
WAKKO: But I haven't collected all 57 Happy Meal toys they're releasing this week!
AXEL: I *knew* there was a reason you (bleep)s wanted to set up shop *here*...but at
least it was *cheap*, I suppose.
DOT: (Pointing at the TV) Hey, guys, *look*!
(The image on the set displays Mike Harper, as he's surrounded by reporters)
MIKE: ...yes, that's right. Once I'm elected, I shall push *this* piece of legislation
through Congress...the "Defense Against Toons" act! (Holds up a piece of paper)
REPORTER: The "Defense Against Toons" act? What does this cover?
MIKE: As you know, in recent months, a spate of chaos has disrupted our fair nation! In
Washington, D.C., some mad scientist nearly took over our nation's capital (* - as seen in
"Another 24 Hours")...and several months later, some hyperintelligent *infant*
took over Chicago! (* - in "Warner Academy 2") Along with various other
incidents I could cite a mile long...almost all of them instigated by... the *Warners*!
(Holds up a picture of the sibs) When this law passes, these three menaces to society
shall be permanently barred from performing *any* of their usual cartoon chicanery! If it
weren't for these three, our nation would never have been subjected to such disruptiveness
as a string of McDonald's employees being harassed by their antics, including their
wretchedly repetitive "two places at once" schtick!
(Cut to the sibs, who all look shocked by this)
DOT: He *can't* be *serious*?
WAKKO: (Sniff) No more "two places at once"?
AXEL: Whoa...this guy doesn't (bleep)in' play around!
REPORTER: I see, sir...and what of your *other* proposed legislation to slash all of
these rather specific areas of government funding to research?
MIKE: That? Well, what can I say? Government *must* be made smaller...and I'm sure
research into particle accelerators, chemistry, and so forth can be funded through *other*
REPORTER #2: And at the same time, these tightened regulation proposals on both the
environment *and* radio and television broadcasting?
MIKE: The environment's an important issue...as are our nation's airwaves. Now if
you'll excuse me, I must be going... (Mike Harper leaves, with various reporters following
him...cut to the sibs, who all look distressed)
DOT: *This* guy has a 88% popularity rate...if he wins, I'll never be able to make
ropes appear next to me from nowhere and drop stuff on people!
AXEL: No kiddin'...and I wonder what he meant by that "cutting funding"
(Suddenly, they hear a knock on the door...opening the door, Axel finds standing there
is none other than the Brain, with Billie and Pinky in tow)
BRAIN: Mr. Foley...I believe we have things to discuss.
(Cut to the inside awhile later...)
BRAIN: As you know, Mr. Harper, if elected, plans to cut funding to various aspects of
research. However, what he failed to mention is that if passed, his legislation will have
devastating effects on our lab, and with it, my goal of taking over the world! A discovery
that was made by Pinky while surfing through the Web and stumbling on Mike Harper's
PINKY: Oh, yes sir! I was trying to find the Pokemon homepage, and came on his
instead...what an incredible contrivance! *NARF*!
BRAIN: (Looks at Pinky annoyedly) *Ahem*...anyway, with this legislation passed, the
lab will *close*...
AXEL: Well, so? You (bleep)s can always go to some *other* ACME Lab branch like you
have in the past...what about L.A.s?
DOT: And besides, I thought your lab branch was privately owned by the three of you...
BILLIE: Well, that's the thing...the specific environmental and broadcasting
regulations Harper proposes would make it *impossible* for us to do anything! Apparently,
buried within the bill's subsections and written in legalese, is a clause that would make
it illegal to operate a small-sized research laboratory within 500 feet of a bridge or
residential dwelling. Given the size of the lab and our location, there's no way we could
keep it operating...
WAKKO: Uh...how about trying to move the lab? (Axel rolls his eyes at the suggestion)
Well, that's what they did on "The Simpsons"! Remember that "Trash of the
DOT: I'm trying *not* to...
BILLIE: I already thought of using that stupid episode's idea, but the lab's structural
integrity wouldn't hold up under such a move...
BRAIN: Indeed...I also doubt that Mr. Sultana Sultana wishes to relocate, *nor* the
city of New York to move the suspension bridge that runs behind the lab. Thus, our cause
for concern over Harper's efforts if he's elected. If we don't do something and that bill
passes, my world-domination efforts will be severely crimped.
BILLIE: Yeah...something's up, and we aim to find out *what*...I didn't help rebuild a
new lab just for some suspiciously specifically-targeted piece of legislation to take it
DOT: Well, why did you come *here*, then? How are *we* supposed to help?
BRAIN: Without the lab, my world-domination efforts will be severely handicapped...and
relative to *your* "interests", you won't be able to perform any cartoon
chicanery. So, I am here to help in our mutual interests...
BRAIN: (Dramatic music builds up) It appears that if I wish to save the lab *and* your
own cartoon interests, there's only one thing we can do...without any doubt, without *any*
setbacks, with only a mere two weeks until Election Day...Axel Foley *must* *WIN*! And my
strategic planning *will* make this happen!
(The music builds to a crescendo, as we see the shocked looking sibs, Billie, and Pinky
stare at Axel Foley...Axel looks shocked as well, but then begins laughing his usual
AXEL: Yeah...*YEAH*! I'm gonna win this (bleep)in' thing! (Gets up) That Harper guy
won't know what hit 'em! (Begins laughing, as the sibs look disturbed)
YAKKO: (Whimpering) We're *toast*.
(The music builds to a dramatic climax, as we fade to Harper's office...we see that
Harper's speaking with some figure over the phone...)
MIKE: Thank you for your support...I couldn't do this without you!
VOICE: Indeed...and if you *wish* to succeed, you shall do *whatever* I say! Don't
forget who's funding your efforts!
MIKE: I know, I know...anyway, I'll call you back. I've got a rally to stage. So long.
(We cut to who's on the other end of the line...the figure slamming down the phone
looks very familiar...small...*juvenile*...pan over to see that it's none other than...)
STEWIE GRIFFIN: Ah, yes, those zany cretins thought they *defeated* me with that
insipid Final Confrontation and expected me to just *disappear* like all those other
villains...well, they thought *WRONG*! Thanks to my creative "fund raising"
means, I shall be able to funnel enough money into Mr. Harper's election to shut both
those lab rats and inkblots down *permanently*! Allowing me unimpeded access to conquering
all of *humanity*... (Laughs maniacally) Oh, Stewie, you've *truly* outdone yourself
*this* time! This plan's so *evil*, I could just *die*...laughing! (Laughs maniacally some
more, as dramatic music plays...we see that Stewie's inside of some sort of bunker, with
various equipment, computers, etc. everywhere...a zoom-out reveals that the bunker's
located deep below the ground in the Griffin family backyard in Rhode Island...)
(Cut to commercials promoting "Erin Brokovich" on video, with Julia Roberts,
dressed like shes planning to hit the bars, cursing a blue streak thatd shock
Axel Foley. Then, cut back to the "action".)
(Open on Axel's campaign headquarters, where inside, we see the staff are all gathered
around Brain, who's standing with a clipboard. We see all are wearing straw hats with
buttons reading "Axel 2000".)
BRAIN: I've succeeded in making a list of requirements for a political candidate for
public office in the year 2000...everything here, if executed successfully, should ensure
our success for getting Axel elected!
PINKY: Um, Brain? Couldn't we just fight that bill-thingy without getting Axel elected?
BRAIN: Mr. Harper is an incumbent, two-term representative, and a quite powerful one at
that. He has enough friends in Congress to ensure that that legislative flotsam could get
BILLIE: Couldn't the president veto it?
BRAIN: President Clinton is unlikely to veto the bill after the series of violent
events of all those villains we've faced...the public will perceive this bill's passage as
being (makes fingers into quote marks) "tough on crime". The same goes for
whoever succeeds Mr. Clinton in the Oval Office.
WAKKO: Uh...does this include Ralph Nader?
BRAIN: Let's be *realistic*, please...
WAKKO: Aww...(yanks out his wacky sack, which is covered with Nader stickers)
DOT: Your'e a Nader fan, Wakko?
WAKKO: Nah...he makes the *best* tasting bumper stickers! (Yanks from the bag a huge
wad of them, sticks them in his mouth, and swallows them whole) Yum...minty!
AXEL: Feh...*Nader*. I thought you said my stickers weren't so bad after I switched
WAKKO: Well, yeah, but his stickers used naturally-flavored glue!
BRAIN: Enough of this nonsense! Now then, the first item on the list is the most
crucial in the modern political world...*fund raising*! He with the most funds can exact a
great influence on the political election process...and after examining your funding
sources, I think I can increase your coffers immensely!
YAKKO: But the Flat Earth Society was so *kind* to us...
BRAIN: Be that as it may, if you wish to win, you must set your sights higher than such
small-time misguided types...you must appease to the big power-players of the economy!
Take advantage of any and *all* financial connections that may be available to us!
PINKY: (Worried) Uh, Brain...you aren't going to the *tobacco* companies, are you?
BRAIN: (Winces) Of course not! While other politicians might do so, we should never run
our campaign with such low-lifes! We aren't playing *that* dirty...
PINKY: Oh, good for you, Brain!
BRAIN: Thank you, Pinky. Now then, along with fund raising, we also need to pander to
various undecided or indecisive voters for the crucial 10% block that has yet to make up
their minds...this should increase our base of influence, and aid us when we go after
swiping at least 39% of Harper's supporters so that Axel can win by at least 51% of the
vote. The following should be mentioned frequently: cutting taxes; improve health care;
and improve public schools. Got it? *Nothing else*...
DOT: Not even *crime*?
WAKKO: Social Security?
YAKKO: Civil rights issues?
AXEL: Foreign affairs?
BILLIE: The environment?
PINKY: Savings bonds? POIT!
BRAIN: *Please*...the three I mentioned are the guaranteed vote-grabbing issues!
BILLIE: But all those other things we mentioned are pretty important, too... (the
BRAIN: Maybe, but we're going to win here...and it won't happen with platitudes about
series EE savings bonds. The voting electorate always go wild over promises of lower
taxes, no matter *how* ill-considered such proposed cuts may be...even when those that
promise them don't follow through once elected!
WAKKO: (Gasps) You mean we should...*lie*?!
PINKY: But we're in *politics*! Shouldn't we be *honest*?!
BRAIN: (About to say something, but stops) This time, Pinky, I'm not going to respond
to a "straight line" like that. Besides, I presume that Axel's conduct won't
resemble the swindling of that "Distinguished Gentleman" movie of his...right?
AXEL: Of course not! What do I look like, a (bleep)in' crook? (Sees the sibs trying to
say something) Dont answer that...
BRAIN: Very well. Now then, along with such a narrow campaign focus, the following
pandering catch phrases should be used, and used *often*: "lock
box"..."information superhighway"..."read my lips"..."new
morning in America"..."bridge to the 21st century"..."compassionate
conservatism"..."reducing big government"..."new economy"...
PINKY: And "give a hoot, don't pollute"! HAHAHA! (Brain's about to whap Pinky
on the head, but sees Billie frowning, and stops in mid-fist-raising)
BILLIE: *Thank you*...
BRAIN: (Glaring at Pinky, who's finished laughing) You're *welcome*... now then, along
with the voters, catch phrases, and money-raising to buy enough air time to rival the
rollout of Windows 95, comes the last thing on the list: projecting a "family
friendly" image to the voters!
AXEL: What the (bleep)'s wrong with my (bleep)in' image?!
DOT: Boy, if we answered *that*, Election Day'd be here and over with...
AXEL: (Annoyed) WHAT?! Why you (bleep)in' (bleep)---
BRAIN: Hold it! (Axel stops his tirade) Now as I was saying...the voters of the state
of Michigan will want a G-rated, family-friendly candidate that comes across as bland and
inoffensive...as the candidacy of Al Gore prove, Americans care about one thing:
BILLIE: Um, but he don't seem too charismatic to *me*, Eggy...I mean, Al Gore is as
excitin' as day-old bread! That monotone voice...the stiff demeanor...the lack of any
BRAIN: Surely you jest...*I* possesss all those qualities in *spades*, and I'm
certainly as inspiring a future leader as they come!
BILLIE: (Rolling her eyes) Uh...sure, Eggy.
BRAIN: Also keep in mind that while you must appear charismatic, dont appear
*too* cerebral...the public time and again prefers someone who doesnt project any
airs of intellectual sophistication...wow them with pointless anecdotes about your family
PINKY: Oooh, just like George W. Bush! I like that he doesnt use all those big
word-thingies that Al Gore does, NARF!
BRAIN: Pinky, *please*...now then...as long as we're focusing on your image, you must
learn to identify with your base of voters!
AXEL: Sure do...just showed off that new Rolex I bought last week to some guys standin'
next to a bus stop! They sure seemed annoyed when I told 'em I wasn't givin' 'em a lift in
my new convertible to the Manpower office, though...
BRAIN: (Slaps his hand over his face) This may be the hardest part of all... anyway,
you must pour on your sense of patriotism and pride in your country and state! Identify
with your working-class voters...appear as Norman Rockwell-esque as you can!
AXEL: No (bleep)in' problem! I love baseball, apple pie, and (bleep)in' mom!
BRAIN: Er...I'm afraid that's all well and good, but you'll have to do something about
your, um, "language".
AXEL: (Moans) Not about *that* again...
BILLIE: Sorry, Axel...but it's gotta be kept in check...or toned down...at least until
you're in office!
PINKY: Oh, yes sir! Then you can say whatever you want about your fellow workers! NARF!
BRAIN: Now let's see...we've covered public image, attracting voters, raising funds,
the issues...I believe we're all set! (To the sibs) Warners, I want you to get to work on
raising funds...while *we* shall manage Mr. Foley's public relations campaign and arrange
for a *debate* with that Harper...
AXEL: A *debate*?!
BILLIE: Yeah...it'll give you the chance to point out the faults of Harper's plan, and
improve your polling ratings!
PINKY: Don't forget to wear the same colored tie as *he* does! *POIT*!
BRAIN: And to give you a boost, we shall also be staging various rallies and speeches
over the next few weeks...it's imperative that we improve your polls before Election Day!
YAKKO: Raise funds? No problemo...come, sibs...let us be off...*forward*...MARCH! (the
sibs proceed to walk out of the room on their hands, backwards...Brain sighs)
BRAIN: Come, we have a rally to stage... (The mice and Axel exit the scene, but we pan
over to see that hidden inside of a picture of Richard Pryor on the wall is a tiny
camera...zipping across a shot of a map of the United States, we see it's sending a signal
to Stewie's bunker in Rhode Island...we see the infant's watching this on a monitor
converted from an old black and white TV set....)
STEWIE: Blast my budgeting problems...I couldn't afford to divest any of the funds I've
raised for Harper for improving my base of operations! Now then...to contact one of my
sources fueling this effort, and arrange to send a few lobbyists to that rally of Mr.
Foley's to disrupt things...(picks up the phone, and dials) Hello? "New York Daily
Muckraker"? This is Mr. Griffin...about Mr. Harper's campaign, I'd like for you to
arrange a reporter to be sent to Mr. Foley's rally to ask a few hard-hitting
questions...yes, my partner will pay for all expenses...no, I can't show up...despite what
should be better judgement, I've decided to pull the time-honored,
working-behind-the-scenes "shadow ensconsed villains" bit for *this*
occasion...besides, I have obligations here in Quahog that I must attend to
concurrently... (glances at a calendar on the wall marked "Library Storytime, 1
PM")(Listens to response on the phone) Yes, I suppose the fact that I've managed to
do all this in my *spare time* does make this plan even more evil than the *last* one, I
suppose...(chuckles) Very well, you too...give my love to the gals in the prepress
department...ta ta! (Hangs up, and gleefully laughs) Oh, Stewie, this time, you've truly
outdone yourself...hopefully, my sources for raising these funds will show up soon...
(Hears the phone ring, and answers) Hello? ...very good...it'll be here shortly? Thank you
(Cut to the other end of the line, where we see a mysterious figure speaking into the
phone; the room he's in seems to be surrounded with posters for Harper's campaign, along
with maps of the United States, lots of high-tech equipment, and various pieces of
FIGURE: Don't worry...you'll get your funds. That Foley character will be sent packing
before you know it.
STEWIE: (In a split-screen effect) Good...and are you sure no one will be able to find
out where the money's coming from?
FIGURE: Of course not...my means ensure me that no one will know! My organization's
quite effective, Mr. Griffin...and without the aid of any "ninja-thugs".
STEWIE: Good...hopefully, this alliance shall prove to be more successful than that one
with Murdoch* ... (* - in "Warner Academy 2" ---Brainatra, noting the
inaneness of these notations) Even if my time constraints force me to not be directly
involved, thus making me perform that tiresome "Shadow Ensconsed Villain"
FIGURE: Of course...I've been doing such secretive, on-the-sly dealings for quite a few
years. You'll get your money.
STEWIE: Wonderful. Well, so long... (Hangs up) (Looks at a digital watch he's wearing)
Oh, blast...time for my 11:45 assassination attempt upon "mommy dearest"...
(Grabs a slingshot and a dart, and races out of the lair...dramatic music plays...)
(Cut to locally run commercials with an annoying car dealer playing at top volume,
followed by political attack ads by some yahoo accusing the governor of poisoning
schoolchildren's candy...then cut back to the action...)
(Fade in the next day, on a rally for Axel, being held at a Lansing, Michigan park...a
crowd consisting of several hundred have shown up...we see the mice and Axel standing by
the stage's steps...Axel's wearing a suit, while the mice are wearing dress clothes as
BRAIN: OK, Axel...your first big rally! Now, then....
PINKY: (Interrupting) Egad...uh, I didn't think anyone would show up! How...
BRAIN: This group was recruited from patrons at the McDonald's next door to our
headquarters...a better microcosm of voters couldn't be found elsewhere...*unfortunately*.
They agreed to show up in exchange for coupons for free small sodas. Now then, you shall
give your stump speech to this group of voters, and they will hopefully respond favorably
to the pollsters!
AXEL: No problem...
PINKY: And watch your language, young man! NARF!
AXEL: Yeah, yeah...
(All four head up to the stage, as the crowd gives a few apathetic claps...Pinky runs
over to a boom box, and starts up music, namely, the main theme from "Beverly Hills
BRAIN: (Speaking into a microphone at the podium) Ladies and gentlemen of central
Michigan...it gives me great pleasure to introduce myself, uh...Brain Cheney, head of Mr.
Foley's campaign staff. These are my staff associates, er...noted Texas-dwelling,
humourous pundit and newspaper columnist Billie Ivins, and, um, former presidential aide
Pinky Stephanopolous...(sounds off-stage of Pinky trying to pronounce his "last
name" and laughing mindlessly; we see Brain reach off-screen, and whap Pinky on the
head) *Ahem*...and now, the man youre all here to see, Michigans next U.S.
House representative...Mr. *Axel Foley*!
(Mild, polite clapping is heard, as Axel takes the podium...the mice move off to one
side of the podium, to make room for Axels speech cards)
AXEL: (Reading as if for the first time, stiltedly) Welcome...state of
BRAIN: (Moans slightly) (Whispers to Axel) Just improvise...
AXEL: (Shrugs, tosses the cards over his shoulder) OK, so if you (blee)---(Billie
nudges Axel) --er, fine people have any questions, Id be glad to answer em.
Taxes? Education? Health care? Im your man!
GUY IN AUDIENCE: Uh...about the environment...how do you plan on protecting our
states natural resources?
AXEL: (Recalling Brains suggestions re: anecdotes) You know, the
environments a funny thing...as I told my great-aunt on Social Security who
interacts with her nursing home environment daily, (pounds his fist on the podium) I plan
to ensure that Social Securitys placed in a "lock box" and remain
untouched by those yahoos in Congress! Put me in charge, and it *will* stay as healthy as
a poor charter-school-attending student on Medicaid!
GUY IN AUDIENCE: Um...but you didnt answer my quest---
BRAIN: (Cutting him off, speaking into the microphone) Next question for Mr. Foley,
ANOTHER GUY IN THE BACK: Yes, Mr. Foley...Im from the "New York Daily
Muckraker". In light of the rising tide of violence overseas, our troubled national
debt, the slowdown of the economy, racial profiling, and the "Subway Series",
how do you plan to get elected to solve these problems when youre behind the more
popular and better-dressed Mr. Harper in the polls?
AXEL: (Smirking) Hmm...well, Ill tell ya what. When I was a boy growin up
in Detroit, we didnt have much. No TV...no shoes...rocks and mud for dinner. And my
daddy told me that the economys a...funny thing. Now, Im sure you all know
that those polls are nothing but fuzzy math...probably full of
subliminable...sublime...subpar... (squints to read his note cards poor handwriting,
before growing annoyed and tossing the card over his shoulder and continuing)...er, hidden
messages, designed to take the opinions away from the public opinions "lock
box" and manipulate the parents of all those poor kids in public schools needin
better health care options! Put me in charge, and Ill put health care in a lock box
to help keep people like little Jimmy in school...because it *is* cool, to stay in school.
And get little Jimmy some badly-needed tax credits...so he can get health insurance. And
not eat rocks and mud...like I did...growin up in Detroit, there...uh....and stuff.
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Gee...that barely sounded coherent. (Shrugs) But he has nice
hair...and seems so...*charismatic* for some reason. Plus, he didnt use any really
big words. (Begins clapping, as do others in the audience; sounds of "poor little
Jimmy" and "lock boxes...yeah, thats the ticket" are heard)
FOLEY: Thank you...now then, if there arent any more questions not bein
fired off at me by the media, Ill be on my way...remember, vote early, and vote
*Foley*! Later, all!
(Pinky cranks up the music from the boom box, as the audience applauds...)
MUCKRAKER REPORTER: Hmph...(speaks into his cell phone) sir, looks like theres
nothing to stir up out here. Foley lives up to his cinematic tradtion---hes as slick
as they come. He managed to give such an impressive response, these yahoos bought every
word! (Scratches his head) It even impressed *me*...though I wonder what he means by the
"public opinions lock box"...
(Back to the stage, Axel and the mice gloat over this response)
AXEL: (Sees the reporter at the back of the crowd)(Whispers to Brain)
Ugh...theres that reporter from that trashy tabloid in New York...big ol
BRAIN: (Flatly) *Indeed*... (shakes his head, as he sees that hes agreeing with
Foley...and more so, that the audience has stopped clapping...and even *moreso* that the
microphone is still on, playing this comment to the whole audience, and the world at
large) (To Pinky) *Pinky*, I thought you turned the microphone off...
PINKY: Sorry, Brain...I was too busy trying to figure out what "fuzzy math"
is...is it anything like fur-covered long division?
BRAIN: (Sighs, as does Axel)
BILLIE: Uh, well discuss it later, Pinks...I think wed better get
(The foursome leave the rally, with various crowd people mumbling about "what a
mouth" and "But he was so *wholesome* in Dr. Doolittle"...cut
to the Muckraker reporter...)
MUCKRAKER REPORTER: (Into his cell phone) Never mind what I said before, sir...looks
like Foley and his staff provided their *own* rope to hang themselves with...heh,
heh...(hangs up, and races off to write this up...dramatic music plays)
(Cut to an "AOL-CNN-Time Warner-DC Comics-Joes Fix-It Shop of East Moline,
Illinois" poll of 500 Michigan state voters, taken 5 seconds after the speech ended,
showing that voters now favor Harper by "merely" 87%, with Axels numbers
having risen to 3% as a result of the rally.)
ANCHORMAN: ...and thanks to the spirited campaign rally where Mr. Foley has promised to
*not* allow young males between the ages of 2 and 12 named "James" to eat only
sedimentary material and mud for dinner, his polls have risen *dramatically*, from 2% to
*3*% percent...however, in this soon-to-be-heavily-recycled soundbite from his rally
earlier today, we find that Axel, shockingly enough, actually used...an *explitive*. (We
see the clip of Axels cursing play) Will voters in Michigan be shocked enough by
this outrageous use of foul language by the star of "Beverly Hills Cop"? Or will
this send Mr. Foleys skyrocketing poll ratings into the *toilet*?! The world....will
soon find out. Stay tuned, and well be back with more updates...
(We go to commercials with breakfast cereal characters promoting election-themed-shaped
marshmallows that vaguely resemble George W. Bush and Al Gore...then cut back to the
(We open on the Warners, whore storming out of the offices of Microsoft
headquarters...they look quite upset.)
VOICE FROM MAIN DOOR: GET OUT AND STAY OUT!
YAKKO: (Pouting) All right, were goin, were *goin*! Hmph...
DOT: (Pouting) Yeah...all we did was tell that nice Mr. Gates man that Axel promises to
work closely with the Justice Department when hes elected...
WAKKO: (Pouting) And he didnt have to yell when we said the words "anti
YAKKO: (Pats his sibs on the back) Dont worry, sibs, well get Axel so much
funding, he wont even remember the *meaning* of the words "campaign finance
DOT: Really? Id just settle for him having a vocabulary not on par with "Def
Comedy Jam" myself...
YAKKO: Say, maybe Websters will give us some money!
DOT: Yeah...we can say that Axel got "hooked on phonics"! (Holds up a tape of
Axels "Raw" comedy routine) Think theyll take this as
"evidence" of his speech skills 15 years ago vs. today?
YAKKO: You kiddin? After 30 seconds, theyll give us enough
education-vote-gettin bucks to buy all those kids college educations!
WAKKO: Faboo! Lets go, then!
DOT: Um...think we should be raising campaign funds *in* Michigan, guys, instead of out
here in Seattle?
YAKKO: Nah...besides, Im sure Michigans voters wont mind if all of
this comes from another state! Aaaah, speakin of carryin it all back...got the
WAKKO: (Holding up a carpetbag with labels on it reading "Little Rock" and
"New York City") Got it! That lady with the nice short hair didnt seem to
want to get rid of it, though...
YAKKO: Great...lets go!
(The Warners race off down the street, singing "Were off to see the
Websters, the wonderful Webster with bucks..." We see them pass various people
raising eyebrows at them, and run past a man wearing a bathrobe...the man whistles for the
siblings, who move towards him...)
DOT: Oooh...must be a fan. (Blinks at her brothers, who roll their eyes)
MAN: Actually, you could say that. Come in, my bretheren.
WAKKO: Hey, were not *your* bretheren!
YAKKO: Yeah...were also not puppy-kids, in case that was your next guess.
MAN: No, no, I mean...Ive taken an interest in your campaign, and Id love
to donate some funds to your cause.
DOT: Gee, you must be really charitable to just *give* money to whoever you see running
past your building for no apparent reason...either that or just naiive. (Grins broadly)
MAN: Er...well, yes. Come inside...
(The Warners do so...they see various posters, paintings, etc. are hanging inside of a
stone-walled interior with candles lining the walls; various others in bathrobes are also
seen. We see hanging over the front of the hall is a portrait of none other than...)
WARNERS: (Shocked) *BALONEY*?!?
MAN: (Grinning) Yes, thats correct, o young ones. The Great Orange Lumpy-Head has
shown us through the wisdom of his teachings, the *true* path to enlightenment. Through
such philosophies as "have a gosh-a-riffic day", and "the Tenants of the
Anvil Song", the Orange One has changed our *lives*...
DOT: (Muttering) For the *worse*...
MAN: (to his fellow Baloney idolizers) Fellow members, these three were the ones who
were *with* the Orange One in his television program! Let us shower them with tokens of
our esteem, for aiding the Orange One in his path to our enlightenment!
YAKKO: Aaaaaaaactually, thats not really *necessary*...
DOT: Yeah...uh..er...ah....drat, cant think of anything witty to say...
YAKKO: I can... *GOODBYE, NURSE*!
(The sibs try to race for the door, but see that therere a bunch of
Baloney-worshippers standing in front of it...the sibs scream)
BALONEY FAN: We must thank you...if not for you, the world would never know of the
wisdoms of cooperation, unity, and fake disguises, through the lesson known as "39
Characters In Search of The Plot to Enlightenment"...
YAKKO: Um...yeah. We figured as much.
MAN: We understand that youre working with Mr. Axel Foley in his quest for
DOT: Not really *working*...more like an exposure to all the language HBO *censored* in
its TV shows...
MAN: Nevertheless, we wish to impart to you these tokens of our esteem...since Mr.
Foley worked alongside the Orange One during one of his missions to spread the path of
"gosh-a-riffic goodness", we wish to hand you *these*...(goofily speaking) bring
out the neat-o, shiny glittery rocks, guys! (Laughs goofily)
(Several members of this Baloney fan club haul out several chests, which they
open...the sibs do a double-take, as they see that the chests are full of gemstones, gold
coins, bundles of hundred-dollar bills, stock options in eBay, savings bonds, etc.)
MAN: Will *this* small token of our esteem be enough to ensure that Mr. Foley completes
*his* mission in life?
WAKKO: You mean, making another sequel to a past movie? (Yakko nudges him) Uh...sure
thing, Mr. Weirdo Man!
MAN: Very good...take it, with our blessings. But first...would you care to stay and
sing the "Anvil Song" with us?
YAKKO: (Disturbed) Aaaaaah....I dont think so...weve got a lot of,
aaaahhhhh...campaigning to do!
DOT: Er...yeah. Lots of buttons...and..uh..stuff.
WAKKO: Uh....ah....er....(panicks) OK! *OK*! Well sing!
DOT: *Wakko*...care to explain, young man?
WAKKO: I couldnt help it! The pressure of trying to be funny all the time...I
couldnt come up with a *witty response*! (Sobs) Please dont hate me...
YAKKO: Its OK, Wakko...tryin to keep a strong mind while on *this* campaign
could make anybody crack...
DOT: Speaking of "cracked"... (Jerks her thumbs at the Baloney worshippers,
whore about to break out into singing the "Anvil Song") Shall we?
YAKKO: Aaaaah....sure, why not?
(The group sings the entire rendition of the "Anvil Song"...however, when the
song ends, several large anvils slam down on the group...pan up to see that the sibs were
the anvil-droppers. They grin broadly at us...)
DOT: What can we say?
YAKKO: Aaaaah...nothin so we can am-scray back to Michigan?
WAKKO: Works for me!
DOT: Me, too!
(They race to the floor, grab the chests of treasure, and wave good-bye to the Baloney
fans, whore crawling out from their anvilling, looking dazed yet pleased...)
MAN: Hmm...the anvils dropped by the puppy-children inspire me to create...get the
pie-plates and crayons! Tonight---we make *funny mask-thingies*!
(All cheer, and race for their Crayolas...meanwhile, sometime later, we cut back to
Michigan and Axels headquarters, where we see that Axels oggling the amount of
loot the Warners brought back...)
AXEL: (BLEEP)! This stuffs sure to get my poll ratings up!
BRAIN: Indeed...theres enough here to purchase the mother lode of political
advertising! How did you do it?
DOT: Do ya *really* want to know? (The sibs grin)
BRAIN: *Never mind*...Id rather not know for the time being. Ill just say
Im grateful for this work...
WAKKO: That was *work*? I thought we were just dropping anvils...
AXEL: Yeah, yeah...come on, weve gotta get down to Kinkos and churn off
some more posters with this loot...
BILLIE: Ill call the TV stations around the state...theyre sure to sell us
all the air time we need! (Scurries off, as does Pinky...)
DOT: Oooh, can we help with the TV ads?
AXEL: No way...you (bleeps) gotta help me with my first debate! Ive gotta go
head-to-head with that (bleep) Harper on statewide TV tonight! This could be my chance to
actually push my polls into the *double digits*!
YAKKO: Oh, yeah...*those* debates. Well get right on it, potty-mouthed boss-man!
Come, sibs, to the *index cards*! Forward....reverse! (The sibs walk backwards, exiting
(Axel shakes his head at this, and heads to join them...Brain joins his fellow lab mice
in aiding in the advertising production...cut to some time later, as we see Brain scanning
over the now-finished commercial...)
BILLIE: I dunno, Eggy...are you sure *this* is the ad you wanna release? I mean, with
what you put *in* it, I kind of doubt...
BRAIN: Of *course* itll work! Thanks to the use of....(cringes) *recycled stock
footage*...of Axels past exploits, we cant lose!
PINKY: But Brain, the public didnt like the Cat and Bunny Warneroonie Super
Looney Big Cartoonie Show...why would they like your, uh, er....
PINKY: Ad, yeah, thats it! Couldnt remember the word, NARF!
BRAIN: Indeed. Now come, we must head off to station WXYZ-TV...the first of the many
stations to play our paid political message! (The mice exit...we pan over to see Axel
rehearsing with the Warners for the debate)
YAKKO: OK...Mr. Harper just said that you like to kick small puppies, close orphanges,
and is the 457th person to call you the "Harbinger of the Apocalypse"...what do
AXEL: Uh....um.... tell him I only *tried* to bring on armaggedon, but didnt
DOT: Er...lets try this again...(sweetly to Axel) and remember,
sweetums...(yelling) ITS ONLY OUR ENTIRE CARTOON CAREERS THATS AT STAKE
HERE!!! (Grins) Tee-hee....continue...
WAKKO: (Reading from a card) "Mr. Foley, you say you wish to give state schools
funding to wire them with Verminator hall monitors/cafeteria workers...how does this
relate to your desire to provide vouchers to students for their choice of which acting
schools to attend?"
AXEL: Hmm...lessee...I know the answer to that one...uh....(stares blankly at the wall)
what was the question again?
YAKKO: (Sighs) Think hes ready, guys?
DOT: Clueless...stiff...unrehearsed...dodging the questions...no real knowledge of any
of the vital issues...these days, I guess he *is* ready for political debates.
YAKKO: Im sure Toastmasters would be *thrilled*...
AXEL: Why...are we gettin funding from *those* (bleep)s, too?
DOT: (Sighs) Never mind...just remember to smile for the cameras, Axel-dear...(pinches
Axels cheek to the point of nearly yanking off his skin, then letting it snap
back...a string of explitives are uttered as a result...)
(Fade from this scene, and to the arena in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where the political
debate between Axel and Mike Harper is being held...a sign out front reads "Tonight:
Foley vs. Harper...Moderator: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin"...we fade into the
interior, where we see that the wrestler himself is covering this event...Axel and Harper
are seen at seperate podiums, both of them wearing the same black suits and red ties...to
the side of the stage are the Warners and lab mice...)
AUSTIN: (Aggressive, to the camera) Hello, there...Im moderatin this
shindig fer "DC SMACKDOWN!", the only UPN show to meet FCC requirements fer
"providing a public programming service"...feh. Anyways, weve got this
here debate for you all tonight, Axel "the Bleepmeister" Foley vs. Mike
"Guys A Lock" Harper! Im playin ref...so, START ARGUIN
ALREADY! First question: "How do you guys plan on reducin violence in our
HARPER: (Looking calm) Well, Mr. "Stone Cold", as you know, when I get the
Defense Against Toons act passed, the Warner siblings, those miscreants that have caused
our country much grief over the past years worth of adventures, shall eliminate
anvils being dropped on innocent individuals, no more cartoon chicanery leading to all
sorts of incidents like what happened recently to Chicago, and by natural extension of the
laws provisions, preventing such incidents as what happened in Washington, D.C. by
that mad scientist as well. In short, this alone will resolve much of what plagues our
society in the year 2000. Thank you.
AUSTIN: OK, Axel, yer up! What dyou gotta say about this?
AXEL: Um...well... (smacks his lips) Yknow, Steve...violence is a...funny thing.
Now take violence with cartoons for example. I never dropped any anvils myself, but I
could understand defending someones right to do so...for their safety...for
protecting their loved ones...I mean, if some ninja-thug horde happens to break into your
home, and threaten your family, whatre you gonna do to protect em, huh? And
what if theyre carryin stars and nunchucks and barbed-wire-wrapped bricks? If
this *did* happen, how would you protect your family under those circumstances? With a
(snicker) *baseball bat*... a gun and wind up shootin the *dog* or your *rugrats* or
some (blee)---er, thing, or a good old-fashioned, all-American-made *anvil*?! Think about
AUSTIN: So, ya think we all have the right ta carry around anvils?
AXEL: (Bleep)in yeah! Though we tore a bunch a holes in our pockets
tryin to figure out how to make a "concealed anvils" law work...
AUSTIN: OK, gotcha. Next question: "Do you believe that toons pose a potentially
bad influence on our children?"
HARPER: Absolutely! Thats why Im pressing for my bill, Mr. Austin. Children
should *not* be exposed by toons that resemble "puppy children" of all things,
promoting their perverted, immoral, violent "lifestyle choices" to them...
(Zip pan to Dr. Lauras home...shes mulling over the rock-bottom ratings for
her TV show when she happens to see this on the tube...)
DR. LAURA: Oooh, thats lovely...cant disagree with *that*... lousy
toons...(hurls a dart at a picture of the Warners on the wall, before turning her
attention back to how to resuscitate her comatose TV show...)
(Zip pan back to the debate).
AXEL: Oh, oh, no-no-no, I gotta disagree, Mr. Harper...
HARPER: I dont think this interruptions appropriate, Mr. Fol...
AXEL: Of course it is...this is a political debate! Now then, I dont agree with
Mr. Harper at all...sure, these "puppy children" are different from a lot of us,
but look at their positive qualities! They make us laugh...theyre
clever...witty...charming...highly sophisticated...and paragons of American values! (Looks
at his note cards, written by the Warners, and glances out at the sibs in the audience,
where theyre busy making faces at the two candidates. He mutters a few explitives
very softly under his breath)(Tossing these notecards away) Anyway, the fact that
theyre toons should make no difference in how theyre treated...I mean, what
bearing does their bein paint and ink have on, say, teachin kids the nations
of the world? Or makin fun of candy shop owners? Or stuff like that there? I mean,
come on... "lifestyle choices"? That sounds more like my *health club
membership*, Mr. Harper...and these three didnt choose to be this way at all!
HARPER: Please...those three could be just as normal as any of us if they only *tried*!
And thanks to my proposed bill, they *will* receive assistance in achieving this goal of
abandoning a lifestyle that clearly isnt *normal*!
YAKKO: (From out in the audience) Hey, were *plenty* normal!
WAKKO: Yeah...maybe even *ab*normal!
DOT: Or ab*dominal*! (Sucks in her stomach to reveal "abs of steel", before
letting go) Ive been working out...
HARPER: Indeed, my daisy-bedecked friend...which is why I only wish to *help* the likes
of you toons to overcome your "condition"...
DOT: Condition? Are we sick?
AXEL: (Speaking without thinking) Im not answerin *that* one---(realizes
hes being watched) Er, what I meant to say is, "not answering it without, uh,
extensive staff research"... (glances to the audience to see that Dots playing
nurse to a bedridden Wakko...Yakko (dressed as a doctor) yells "clear!", and Dot
shocks Wakko with those two cardiac, disk-like electrode things...)
AUSTIN: Um, *yeah*...now then, the next freakin questions this: "What
do ya plan on doin to clean up politics once youre elected?" Harper,
HARPER: I plan on exposing the sources of my fellow congressmembers
corruption...their sources of campaign fund-raising...now take Mr. Foley here, for
instance. I have proof that hes raised funds at, of all places, a
Baloney-worshipping *cult*!! What kind of candidate for public office would even *dream*
of raising campaign funds in such a place?!
AXEL: OK, OK, first of all, it wasnt a *cult*, it was a "place of fanboy
worship". Second of all, they can give money to whoever they want...if they want to
give their money to the first three puppy-kids that walk in the door, thats their
business! Uh...third of all...it wasnt *all* money they gave me!
HARPER: No? What, pray tell, was the rest of it, then?
AXEL: Lessee...they gave me some savings bonds, and some
pieces-of-eight...uh...(speaking towards someone off-stage) Whatd we do with those
stock options in eBay again? (off-stage, we hear Brain moaning)
HARPER: You see? This sort of dishonesty must be dealt with! Once Im elected,
Ill ensure that contributions will be completely, totally honest! Cleaning up this
system of decadence, and...(hears an inaudible-to-the-others beeping in his ear)
Um...Im afraid Ill have to stop right there.
AXEL: No kidding...at least I have the guts to tell where my funds came from! Hear
that, Michigan? *I* am *honest*! Speakin of which...just where did you get *your*
funds from, Mr. Harper? You sure seem to have a bottomless supply of the stuff...
HARPER: Well...er...I dont think thats very important right now. I assure
you, however, that my sources are quite reputable, and donated by
AXEL: THEY WERENT A CULT!
HARPER: Sure they werent Mr. Foley....sure they werent.
AUSTIN: Great answers, ya bums. Now then, final statements---GO!
HARPER: I just want to say that you should all vote for whoever you wish...but keep in
mind, that I represent the finest ideals of American society, a strong anchor of morals
and integrity, and promise to put those insane toons gimmicks in a *lock box* and
keep it safe from our nations children!
AXEL: (Thinking) Dang...that (bleep) stole my "lock box" catchphrase! And
after *I* stole it from Al Gore...great! Now Ive gotta come up with somethin
*original*. Or at least start rippin off the dumb (bleep) from Texas instead of the
smug (bleep) from Tennessee... (Clears his throat)
AUSTIN: Foley, *NOW*!
AXEL: OK, I just want to say that I think you should all vote for whoever you want, as
well. But keep in mind, that I represent those who Mr. Harper wants to disparage...and
through my plans once elected, this nation will be in good hands...er...with a good brain
runnin things. Because, er...with these two pinkies of mine, ah...no wackos are
gonna, er, let harm come to anyone, um, includin people named "Billie".
(Quick beat) *Vote Foley*!
(The audience politely applauds, and Axels campaign staff runs over to him...we
see Austin speak into the camera)
AUSTIN: OK, ya feebs, lets get that instant poll up on the screen there!
Accordin to the "DC Smackdown" poll of 500
hard-hittin-action-lovin fans in Michigan, over 17% say they plan on
votin for the *other* main man besides me, Axel Foley! While Harpers lead
slips ta 75%...still formidable, but ya never know what could happen within the next week
and a half til the big Election Day Final Confrontation! Is Axels stupid
campaign fundraising sources gonna put the kibosh on the Bleepmeister? Or will the voters
actually *buy* that "Verminators in every school" schtick? Ya got me, fans...but
one things clear: this race is gonna be the biggest thing to rock this state since
Motown! Until next time, see ya!
(We see a crowd swarm the Cursing One, but also see that outside the hall, in a phone
booth, Harper is speaking on the phone with his "silent partner"...)
STEWIE: (Over the phone) Blast! You imbecile! You were supposed to intellectually tear
that simpleton to *shreds*! I dont know what debate *you* were watching, but
its clear that you must have picked up your debate skills from either a
seventh-grade civics class flunkie, or a *WELL BEHAVED MONKEY*!!!
HARPER: Sorry, Stewie...but I guess he caught me off-guard! What was I supposed to say
regarding that campaign fundraising bit, that Im getting my money from a *baby*?!?
And that *he*s getting the funds from a source that strikes me as dubious at best?!
STEWIE: Quiet, you...I had no choice! It was either that, or playing the
*lotto*...blasted dimwitted teenaged clerks enforcing state age limits! I have
exponentially *more* intelligence than the average hormonally-fevered
18-year-old...anyway, go home and get some rest. Tomorrow, you shall strike back at that
loathsome explitive-abuser, with the mother of all negative ad campaigns!
HARPER: I see...what will *you* be doing?
STEWIE: Attending classes on making pots out of play-dough, followed by attending a
seminar on thermodynamics. Very busy schedule, Im afraid...oops, must get going.
Dont want to miss "Rugrats". Remember: succeed...or *ELSE*!
(Dum-dum-duuuummm....) (Hangs up)
HARPER: Uh....of course. (Hangs up) Better get back to the office...time for Foley to
see some *real* slick production values...(Laughs sinisterly, as the music builds to a
(Cut to commercials for an Election-Day-themed "Pokemon" marathon, with
recycled stock footage of Pikachu shocking some donkey-looking-creature and an
elephant-like creature, with Team Rocket wielding "Jesse/James 2000" picket
signs. Then cut back to the politicized-and-likely-to-induce-for-the-author-hate-mail
(We see Axel and the "Animaniacs" gang gathered around a TV set in his
headquarters...Wakko is scarfing down on a pile of Big Macs in front of him. Brain
eyes him with disgust, before shaking his head and beginning a speech...)
BRAIN: All right, weve managed to boost Axels popularity to 17% in the
latest polls...but we need to do much better than that! To do so, weve produced
these series of commercials that even at this moment, are airing all over the Michigan
airwaves as we speak....Pinky?
(Pinky hits the "play" button on the TVs VCR, and we see an ad pop
up...we also hear Brains voiceover on the ads)
BRAIN: (VO) For decades, Michigan society has benefitted from the efforts of Axel
Foley...from his support of new musical stylings as a youth, Foley has shown that
hes a man supportive of creativity, gracefulness, and style...
(We see a still-shot of six-year-old Axel, holding a "Brain-Fonics" record (as
seen in the fanfic "Motown Mice") and grinning...hes missing several
BRAIN: (VO) Now, Axel wishes to improve Michigan society for the benefit of all. From
his support of wiring all schools with Verminator cafeteria aids and hall monitors, he
wishes to ensure a safe learning environment and nutritious food for our students!
(A still-shot of a Verminator cyborg in a cafeteria workers uniform is
splattering food on some kids plate...Verm gives a "thumbs up" for the
camera, and grins...cut to the mice watching this ad...)
PINKY: (Whispering) Brain...I thought we didnt have any Verminator-thingies!
Where did you get him from?
BRAIN: (Whipsering) I spliced old footage of the Verminator from that comic book outing
of ours into this commercial...as loathsome as it is to use recycled stock footage,
whats at stake made me have no choice...
BRAIN: (VO) So remember, to give your vote to Axel...because, if theres anyone
who can get the job done, no matter under *whatever* pressure...its *him*.
(We cut to a shot of Axel shaking hands with schoolchildren...he picks one up and grins
at the camera, while holding the kid up to the screen...the kid looks a bit frightened,
and on the verge of tears. The tape ends)
AXEL: Brilliant! Nice work, ya (bleep)s!
BILLIE: Thanks...(wrinkling her nose a bit at that explitive) ...uh, I think. Anyway,
with what we had to work with, Im not sure what good itll do. And those
campaign promises...I mean, you actually want to wire the schools with *deadly cyborgs*
that look like *Egghead*?!
BRAIN: I fail to see whats wrong with cyborgs in my image...hmm, perhaps when we
take over the world, such a fleet might actually *aid* me in reshaping the world to my
AXEL: Er, yeah, whatever...(switching subjects) OK, thats settled...next,
weve gotta...(glances at the screen) Whoa, hold the (bleep)in phone---what the
(They all glance at the TV, now tuned to a local station...we see a black screen with
white text on it, with a womans voice sternly speaking...Brain decides to hit
"record" on the VCR...)
ANNOUNCER: Axel Foley says that his plan to give tax breaks to "little
Jimmy"s across the state will result in an increase of 200% in their IQ points...
(A caption at the bottom of the screen reads "Statistic taken from the Specious
Reasoning Institute of Fairbanks, Alaska")
ANNOUNCER: But we *really* know that such efforts will only take away valuable *jobs*
from Michigan voters...cause our booming economy to fall flat on its face!
(We see a shot of a worker at McDonalds...)
McDs WORKER: Im earning minimum wage at this job...and thanks to the
booming, stock-market-and-Internet-driven "new economy," Ive got two
*more* jobs just like this one!
WAKKO: Hey, I know that guy!
AXEL: You *should*...hes from the M*ckeyDs *next door*!
DOT: And the K-Mart down the street...
BILLIE: And the Burger King next to the K-Mart...
WAKKO: Oh, yeah...
ANNOUNCER: Do you want *this* hard-working person to lose one of his three jobs to
someone living overseas? Axel Foley apparently thinks so...but then again, he also
supports "special rights" for toons to perform gimmicks that warp the fabric of
space and *time*, and government funds to wire schools with cybernetic rodents...
(A caption at the bottom reads "facts taken from past speeches by Axel Foley, old
clips of his "Gumby" "Saturday Night Live" sketch, and casual
eavesdropping and heresay" ---I.M.A. Slacker Reasearch Institute for Stuff, French
AXEL: Hey! Thats a half-truth! I want that stupid "two places at once"
(bleep) as dead as *he* does! Dumb (bleep)in gag...
BRAIN: (Flatly) Despite my goals in this endeavour, I must *agree*...
ANNOUNCER: Do you *really* want *your* space-time continuum possibly warped dangerously
beyond repair by someone like the *Warners*?
(We see a still-shot of a grainy, black-and-white photo of the Warners, grinning
broadly at the camera...it looks touched up to resemble a "mug shot"...)
ANNOUNCER: I know *I* dont. And Im sure you dont want that, either,
from a candidate that cavorts with, well...who *knows*?
(We see the words "Axel Foley" in white letters on the screen, but a brief
split-second phrase appears and then vanishes from the screen...the group raise their
ANNOUNCER: Mike Harper...an environmentalist who *believes* in protecting the integrity
of *our* space-time continuum!
(The commercial ends...Axel looks irate)
AXEL: DIRTY (BLEEP)! HOW *DARE* HE INSISTS THAT I DONT PROTECT THE SPACE-TIME
CONTINUUM! IM JUST AS RESPONSIBLE WITH THE (BLEEP)IN UNIVERSE AS *ANYONE*
YAKKO: Aahhhh, what about the time you---
AXEL: Save it, Groucho. Im not interested in another (bleep)in crack at my
DOT: Aw, but its so much *fun*...
BRAIN: Ignoring the issue of how Axel treats the fabric of space-time, I must wonder
what that brief flash of wording was that we saw... (Presses "rewind" on the
VCR, and turns on the frame-by-frame-advance still feature...we see at the critical scene
that the phrase reads, in giant letters: LAB RATS)
PINKY: (Annoyed) HEY! How dare they steal one of Brains ideas! Besides,
were *MICE*! NARF!
BILLIE: No kiddin, Pinky...of all the low-down dirty tricks...*subliminal
messages*?! Why would someone stoop to such a pathetic level? I mean, we all know that
those messages dont work! (Brain glares at Billie) Er...sorry, Eggy.
BRAIN: (Annoyed) Ill thank you not to criticize a favorite strategy of world
conquest, Billie...especially since I wished Id thought of this trick *first*! It
seems that Mr. Harper wishes to hit below the belt, after all...therefore, we must...
PINKY: Um...bend down?
BRAIN: *No*...its time to take off the kids gloves, Pinky. It appears that Harper
will not concede at any costs...come, we must prepare to find a means of defeating Harper
so that I may *take over the---* (sees all of them staring at him) er, I mean, helping
Axel win, so that I *may* take over the world afterwards.
(We hear ominous music play, as the gang prepares to figure out how to fight this
barrage of negative campaign ads...cut to some time later, where we see Harper is walking
down the street...)
HARPER: Ah, the sweet smells of Michigan in fall...leaves turning colors, a bumper crop
of apples...and of course, my *inevitable victory*! My ratings are surely skyrocketing
after that "LAB RATS" ad...oh, that *was* a clever idea that Stewie gave
me...those dumb "Who Wants to Be a Whatever" viewers are so gullible,
theyre *sure* to be influenced by that ad!
(Turning a corner, however, Harpers gleeful mood quickly vanishes, as he sees a
kid race past him wearing an Axel pin...his curiosity peaked, he follows the child, until
encountering a whole group of kids, with their parents, gathered around a storefront
window...a display with Axel Foley campaign merchandise is propped up next to the window.
We see the store is an electronics shop, and a TV in the window is repeatedly playing a
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: Mike Harper says that Axel Foley doesnt care about the
integrity of our space-time continuum...Mike Harper also says that Axel Foley doesnt
care about our schools and our students...
(Melodramatic music plays, as we see Axel in a crowd with various children...)
ANNOUNCER: Well, Axel Foley *does* care...he vows to do whatever it takes to give our
students the best in technology...
(Cue recycled stock footage of children using computers, swiped from any number of
political campaign ads that use that same generic footage of kids at computers in a
ANNOUNCER: Tax vouchers for students to buy something other than rocks and mud for
(Cue a shot of Wakko holding some Form 1040 tax forms, which he slaps between hamburger
buns and begins scarfing down...)
ANNOUNCER: ...and pledges to be *tough* on crime...
(Cut to recycled stock footage of Axel arresting someone from "Beverly Hills
Cop", followed by stock footage of Roboo-Cop (from "Chaos of Characters")
and a Verminator patrolling CGI footage of the WB Studios lot...)
ANNOUNCER: Axel *loves* puppies...*and* puppy-*children*...
(Cue a shot of Axel holding Wakko in his arms...Wakkos tugging at his shirt like
a real puppy...Axel chuckles.)
ANNOUNCER: ...and Axels been known to have personally been involved with such
popular and children-adored characters as---*POKEMON*!
(Cue a shot of Axel wielding a Poke-ball and standing next to Brain-as-Pikachu, from
"39 Characters In Search of a Plot")
ANNOUNCER: As for the fabric of space and time? Well, we dont know about Mike
Harper, but Axel Foleys had vast experience in dealing with matters of the
(Cue recycled stock footage of the Warners pulling the "two places at once"
gag on Axel Foley, from any number of past adventures...we cut away before the footage
shows Axels usual reaction to this gag, and to a still-shot of Axel Foley and Mike
ANNOUNCER: *Axel Foley*...because our children, state, *and* space-time continuum
deserve the *best*...
(The ad ends, as the kids all cheer....)
KIDS: YAAAAY! AX-EL! AX-EL! AX-EL!
HARPER: *WHAT*?! No, no, this is all *wrong*!!
(A kid sees Harper, and sticks his tongue out at him)
KID: Look! The mean man who doesnt want Axel to work with Pikachu!
HARPER: Whoa, hold it right there...first of all, I could care less about *what*
KID #2: Hes a *mouse*!!
HARPER: *Whatever*...anyway, Ive got something better in store for you
kids...being free of the influence of those awful Warners! Besides, its for your own
KID #3: But we *like* those guys...they do that funny thing with anvils!
KID #1: Yeah...leave em alone! They didnt bug you!
(The kids all boo Mr. Harper, as he decides to bid a hasty exit...some time later, we
see hes on the phone with his "partner in crime", Stewie...)
STEWIE: (V.O.) Harper, how *dare* you handle that situation so *poorly*! Not only did
you allow Axel to run those commercials, but youve turned kids away from those
ink-and-paint kiddie cockfighters, *Pokemon*! Do you know how much influence those kids
might have on their *parents*?!
HARPER: Uh...I dont know...how much?
STEWIE: (V.O.) Oh, lets see, how about *ENOUGH INFLUENCE TO COST THE ELECTION*!
With all those apathetic undecided parents considering *voting* as being less important
than taping the next oh-so-intellectually-scintillating episode of "Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire", theyll be so esasily swayed by their children that your defeat
may be *assured*! Already, those commercials of Axels has cost us the gains we made
off of *our* subliminal message ads! Axels risen to *25%* in the latest polls! We
must *correct* this!
HARPER: How? The elections a week away...
STEWIE: I dont *care*! Look, look...Ive got fingerpainting classes at
4...Ill call you back. We *will* think of *something*...(Hangs up, as does Harper)
(Cut to commercials filled with attack ads....then cut back to the "action".)
(We open back up on Axels campaign headquarters, as we see the staff celebrate
their growing poll numbers...)
AXEL: YES! Were up to 25%! Were gonna *win* this thing!
BRAIN: Y-e-e-s! Soon, victory shall be ours, thanks to my superbly crafted plan!
PINKY: Um, Brain...?
BRAIN: Yes, Pinky?
PINKY: I was just thinking...about Axels campaign...Verminator robot-thingies and
the right to drop anvils and stuff is OK and all, but I was just thinking...Axels
campaign platform-amajig needs something *else*...something *very* important, NARF!
BRAIN: Like *what*? *Dryer lint*?!
PINKY: *No*, Brain! I mean...(drags into the picture a piece of paper) *SAVINGS BONDS*!
Ta-daaaa! (Holds up a series EE savings bond note)
BRAIN: *Savings bonds*?! HA! Please, Pinky...the economys the strongest its
been in *30 years*! And with the stock market at unprecedented levels, *nobody* wishes to
invest their funds in something as outdated and sans-instant-profiteering as *savings
PINKY: Aw, but Ive been buying them, Brain....theyre *lots* of fun! And
theyre tax deductible for college, POIT!
BILLIE: Well, I think Pinkys idea is nice, Eggy...its certainly something
the average person can identify with better than tardy kids having to face down killer
cybernetic warrior hall monitors...
WAKKO: I think Pinkys on to somethin...
YAKKO: Yeah, somethin that doesnt involve tax breaks for fictional people
DOT: Besides, we pushed those things all the time back in World War II! Ask
Slappy...she did the same thing! (Holds up a poster reading "Bonds Away, 1943,
Starring Slappy Squirrel, Directed by Fritz Wheeling")
AXEL: Yeah...my mama bought those things by the (bleep)load for us as kids...
BRAIN: (Frustrated) Oh, very *well*! Fine! Deviate from my carefully laid platform of
centering only on three issues...but when we *lose*, Im blaming *you*...
PINKY: *And* compounded interest, *NARF*!
BRAIN: *Indeed*... (glances at his clipboard) Well, wed best get started on the
next segment of this campaign...
BILLIE: Whats that, Eggy? Weve already raised money...had a few
rallies...had that debate with Harper...put out all those commercials...whats left?
BRAIN: Im talking about...*late night TV show appearances*! All modern candidates
make use of such a venue...and now, if we are to ensure that Axels popularity
skyrockets among the couch potatos of Michigan, he must do the same! Ive booked
airtime on Davey Betterman, "Politically Indecisive", *and*...
BRAIN: *Noooo*... "Saturday Night Live"!
AXEL: (Irate) WHAT?!? *NOOOOOOOO*!
BRAIN: We have no choice...despite not having had an amusing moment since the Bush
administration, that program still holds much influence among apathetic voters with no
night lives...besides, the public *wants* their candidates to appear entertaining and
amusing, like all the other facets of modern society...
DOT: I thought you said they wanted someone "serious and monotone"...
BRAIN: Well, didnt you see Al Gore on that program while ago? His jokes were the
highlight of the evening! (Chuckles) I mean, that one about the IRS agent and the
aggregate income tax levels...
DOT: (Rolling her eyes) *Of course*...
BRAIN: So soon, Axel, you shall be on the show that gave you your rise to fame...this
forum will surely accept you back with open arm---
AXEL: (Completely irate) WHY THE (BLEEP) SHOULD I BE ON SOME (BLEEP)IN SHOW THAT
AINT BEEN FUNNY IN LIKE TEN (BLEEP)IN YEARS?! I MEAN, WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS UP
WITH THAT "HEAD BOPPIN IN SOME (BLEEP) NIGHTCLUB" (BLEEP)?! OR THAT
(BLEEP) WITH THE (BLEEP)IN CHEERLEADERS?!? AND THAT ADAM (BLEEP) SANDLER (BLEEP) WHO
IM FUNNIER IN MY (BLEEP)IN SLEEP THAN HES *EVER* BEEN?! AND *ANOTHER*
(The Bleepmeister continues his tirade, as the Warners cover their ears and
frown...Pinky and Billie try to suggest to Brain to change his mind. Brain, however, looks
undetermined to do so...fade away from this curse-fest, to Harper in his
office...hes on the phone once more with you-know-who...)
STEWIE: (V.O.) WHAT?! How *dare* that Foley use his former NBC connections to get on
that program! And that "Politically Indecisive" program?! Oh, curse that
media-savvy *rodent*! *CURSE HIM, I SAY*!
(Cut to Stewie, whos doing chin-ups on the monkey bars at the
playground...hes wearing a sweatsuit. A water bottle, his teddy bear Rupert, a radio
and a towel lie nearby...we see he has a cell phone propped up next to one of the bars...)
STEWIE: Blast! If I had more time, Id ensure that Axel never even *made it* to
the studio! Hmm...but it *does* give me another idea...Harper, how soon can you get to New
York? (Listens to the phone, as Stewie does a few more chinups) Good! Now then, Ill
arrange for you to go on that "Politically Indecisive" program, and youll
trounce that Foley once and for all! (Listens, as he hangs off the bar) Yes, I suppose
that *would* potentially put him on the spot...excellent! Ill get right on it! Ooh,
that Brain fellow is going to be *surprised* by all of this! (Lets go to grip his fingers
together, but instantly falls to the ground...we hear an angry "*(BLEEP) IT*!"
(In yet another Fanfic Montage, we see Axels preparations for his media
appearances...we see: the Warners make fun of Bettermans Ball State University
diploma backstage, Pinky laughing insanely at a TV displaying Jay Leno, and Wakko scarfing
down an entire New York hot dog cart. Finally, we see Bettermans show begin...the
Hoosier native host is seated at his desk, and is tapping a pencil on its surface...)
BETTERMAN: So, I was thinking, "tastes great, less filling"...must be... diet
cola? (Rimshot noise; the audience breaks up into laughter...backstage, Axel looks a bit
bewildered by all this, as Brain and Pinky are putting the finishing touches on his
AXEL: (Still fuming over his impending SNL appearance) Hmph...those (bleep)s will laugh
at *anything* that guy says...with late-night TV standards like *that*, no wonder
"Saturday Night (Bleep)"s still on the air...
BRAIN: (Standing on a table, straightening Axels necktie to the best of his
ability) No time to analyze comedic wit...youre on!
BETTERMAN: Anyway, here from the Great Lakes state of Michigan...(straightens his tie,
as the audience goes wild) ...U.S. House of Representatives candidate *Axel Foley*, with
our Top Five list!
(Axel walks out onto the stage, with "Axel F" playing...he grins for the
audience. Backstage, Brain is looking at the "Top Five" list with annoyance...)
BRAIN: What is this drivel?! With these self-depreciating jokes, Im not sure
*how* thisll help Axels campaign! I mean, who would *think* this crud is
PINKY: (On his back, laughing) WAHAHAHAHA! "Diet cola"! HAHAHA, NARF! TROZ!
BRAIN: (Flatly) I keep forgetting not to *say* that out loud next to you, Pinky...
(Cut to the stage...)
AXEL: Hey, whats up, everyone? (All clap) (Reads the cue cards) OK, here it is,
from our home office in Gas City, Indiana, the Top Five list: "Five Advantages to
Axel in the House"
BETTERMAN: Number five...
AXEL: (Reading the cue card) "I make my *own* jokes." (Audience laughs; Axel
BETTERMAN: Number four....
AXEL: (Reading the answer) "I can say, Axels in da house! and
*really* mean it." (Audience laughs)
BETTERMAN: Number *three*...
AXEL: (Reading the answer) "Unlike Hillary Clinton, I already *live* in the state
I want to represent." (The audience laughs even louder, as Axel looks a bit disturbed
BETTERMAN: Number *two*...
AXEL: (Reading) "Unlike George W. Bush, I dont *need* a microphone to say
major league (bleep) in front of a crowd of potential voters" (The
audience goes wild over this, as Axel is starting to look mildly annoyed by all this)
BETTERMAN: (Drumroll) And the number *one* advantage *is*:
AXEL: (Reading) "Since Ive already been a Harbinger of the Apocalypse, I
dont need to worry about the publics opinion of me being lowered any by being
a congressman." (Two drumbeats play, as the audience goes wild...Betterman grins
broadly, but Axel looks annoyed, and walks off-stage...)
BETTERMAN: Woo...uh, think hes mad? (Raises an eyebrow, as the audience goes wild
(Back stage, the Cursing One has calmed down...)
AXEL: *Those* were jokes?! Some "comedian"...bet that "Ed" show of
his crashes and burns up against those lame-(bleep) "Simpsons" episodes
theyre plannin for this fall...
BRAIN: (Looking at a clipboard) Well see...but right now, according to your
latest poll of likely collegiate Michigan voters, youve managed to overtake the lead
among 18-to-24 year old fraternity students, boosting your poll ratings to 27%!
AXEL: (Bleep)! So, this wasnt a waste of time, after all?
BRAIN: Apparently *not*...come, we must prepare for our *next* media appearance,
"Saturday Night Live"...
BRAIN: Now now, its all in the name of a good cause...so no backtalk! Let us be
(The mice and Axel exit, Axel looking as if hes dreading this appearance, while
Pinkys still laughing insanely, and muttering the words "Gas City" in
between laughs...cut to the following night, as we see the Warners are with Axel backstage
at NBC Studios in New York...inside his dressing room, we see Axels preparing for
this appearance...he looks displeased by the "monologue" suggested to him by the
AXEL: (Annoyed) What the (bleep) is *this* (bleep)?! "Make a joke about double
mocha lattes"?! *What* the (bleep) is a "double mocha (bleep)in
DOT: Beats me...but the guys from the network say itll appeal to NBCs
audience of upscale yuppie viewers...which explains these "stock options" jokes
too, I guess...
AXEL: Well, Im not goin out there alone! Uh...*youre* comin
YAKKO: Forget it, Axel...even *we* arent that desperate to get back on TV!
AXEL: Well, this shows so (bleep)in sorry, I cant imagine you guys
makin it any *worse*! Besides, I need someone else to talk to besides these bunch of
(bleep) "comedians" theyve got! (Sighs) They make me miss the good old
days...Steve...Jim... (Looks at the clock on the wall) Guess its *time*...
YAKKO: But we cant go on! We dont have any hip, upwardly mobilely-relevant
material to do!
DOT: I left all my best material in my other skirt...
AXEL: Well, think of *something*! Theyve got me put down for some (bleep) sketch
about me dressed up in some (bleep) giant corncob....(Shakes his head)
YAKKO: Eh, well think of somethin...come, sibs, let us proceed to appear on
the same program as tackily-dressed guys in afros giving love advice...
AXEL: (Shudders at that thought) Thats it...I dont care how many votes this
costs me...Im *outta* here!
DOT: Sorry, but weve got orders from Brain to make sure you go through with this
AXEL: Oh, yeah? Well, I say, (bleep) it!
WAKKO: But Brain said so...
YAKKO: Its the *only* way...
DOT: Yeah, and if you dont, Harper might win!
AXEL: Well, as a wise man once said...(points behind the sibs) Hey, look---its
WARNERS: (Gleefully turning around) *Where*?!
(When the sibs turn back, they see Axels vanished...cut to Axel racing towards
the main exit, with NBC cameramen following him for that usual "follow someon with a
camera before the show starts" bit...)
AXEL: (BLEEP)! Get the (bleep) away from me, ya (bleep)s! I dont want to do some
(bleep)in sketch with some ugly (bleep) in drag pretendin ta be
(bleep)in Elizabeth Dole!
(Axel gets to the door, and opens it, only to find that the Warners are standing right
in front of him...Axel tries turning around to escape, only to find theyre right
behind him, too. Axel screams.)
DOT: (Moaning) Not this *AGAIN*....maybe Harper is onto something with that gag-ban
business *after all*...
YAKKO: No time for analyzin repetitive gags, sibs...*GET EM*!
(The Warners jump Axel, and a fight cloud breaks out...moments later, we see the troop
head out towards the main stage, as the band strikes up "Axel F" for
Axel...however, we see that Axels been bound in a Hannibal Lecter-esque cage on
wheels, struggling to escape his restraints...the sibs grin.)
(One of the cast members, a portly man dressed up badly like Tipper Gore, strolls out
to the stage...)
GUY: Hey, Axel, the gang says to welcome you back to the show...(Axel grunts loudly in
protest through his gag) By the way, we bought you a little gift...in light of your years
of talents, weve taken the opportunity to let you star in our next sketch...with
*me*! (Laughs) By the way, heres your costume... (holds up a giant "Parental
Advisory: Explicit Language" label for Axel to hold; Axel looks irate, and begins
hopping towards off-stage, restraint and all...the sibs shrug)
YAKKO: Told ya the only way hed come back to this show would be if he was dragged
kicking and screaming...or in this case, bound and gagged. (The audience laughs) Thank
you...and remember Michigan fans to vote for Foley, the candidate that cares...
GUY: Uh...about what?
DOT: Post-apocalyptic worlds, cursing a blue streak, that sort of stuff...(the audience
GUY: Well, thats great...but now, its time for...
WAKKO: A rousingly humorous sketch involving anvils!
GUY: What?! Theres no sketch involving anvils... (Shuffles through the script, as
the rest of the cast walks out onto the stage...)
FEMALE CAST MEMBER: What the hecks goin on?! Weve got a 25-minute bit
involving soda brands and lattes to do!
ANOTHER GUY: Yeah, followed by another limited-animation cartoon...uh, say, you guys
want to star in one?
YAKKO: Er, thanks, but no thanks...weve had our fill of recycled stock footage
for awhile. Now, for our next bit, were gonna...
TIPPER GORE LOOKALIKE GUY: Get off-stage for our first sketch...it involves me, Axel,
and Britney Spears criticizing special guest Eminems lyrics!
DOT: Er...I dont think so. It involves Axel and his campaign platform about the
rights of us toons to carry anvils...I mean, you never know when they might come in
FEMALE CAST MEMBER: Please...so, are you guys gonna do our sketch or *not*?
YAKKO: Aaaactually, I dont think so.
AFRO-WEARING GUY: Heh...ya probably want to do somethin lame like that "Mr.
Robinsons Neighborhood" bit he used to do...nothin like our new, trendy
heights of humor. Now, can we get to my sketch involving that bathroom stall?
DOT: (Annoyed) I dont think so...
YET ANOTHER GUY: They probably dont even have it anymore, guys...I mean, remember
that bit they did on "Acquaintances"? They didnt even drink one *coffee*!
WAKKO: Mmm...coffee...can I---
DOT: Not now, Wakko. Maybe some decaf later...
WAKKO: (Looks disturbed) *DECAF*?! Hmph...thats not coffee...thats just
yucky brown water...
TIPPER GORE GUY: Hey, dont talk that way about our sponsors! Weve got 12
coffee makers and shops sponsorin our show tonight...now, either get off-stage, or
well have to send after you tonights *other* "guests"...
YAKKO: "Other" guests?
FEMALE CAST MEMBER: Yeah...come on in, guys!
(We see entering the stage none other than...Mikey and Sheryl of ninja-thug fame (from
"Radio Free Warners"), dressed as usual. Theyre wielding their
standard ninja-thug arsenal of barbed-wire-wrapped bricks...)
MIKEY: Hey, its those weirdo puppy-brats!
DOT: Whatre *you* doin here?! (Notes that Mikey and Sheryl are standing
next to each other) Besides, I thought the two of you had broken up...
SHERYL: Didnt ya hear? We got hired on as security! Unfortunately, we were both
registered at the same Manpower office, so when the network needed "temporary
ninja-thugs", I got sent here not knowing theyd called in Mikey the Boy
*Blunder* over here... (jerks her thumb at Mikey)
MIKEY: Oh, like you should talk, "Desperately Seeking *A LIFE*"!
DOT: Are you gonna take that, sister?
SHERYL: Of course not! (To Mikey) Why, I oughta---
SNL CASTMEMBER: ---do *nothing*! Save your petty romantic problems for *later*...right
now, we need you to handle these guys!
SHERYL: *Fine*... (to Mikey) Well settle this later, buddy... (To the sibs) So,
if ya arent gonna go willingly, I guess Im gonna have to get rough on your
(bleep)s...too bad, too, since I liked a lot about what Axel said...
DOT: Great...we get a ninja-thug fight scene in the middle of a *political campaign*...
YAKKO: Still less problems than what Ralph Nader had at those debates...
MIKEY: Stop talkin about politics! Everyone knows theyre boring...nobody
cares about whos runnin! Besides, that one guy Harpers gonna win,
anyway...I mean, you guys havent done an original gag in, like, forever...
YAKKO: This from a guy whos working on *this* show...
FEMALE CAST MEMBER: Thats it! Guys, get em!
DOT: Say, did anyone ever tell you you sound a lot like this female lab mouse we know?
(In Axels campaign HQ in Michigan, we see the lab mice watching this debacle on
TV. Billie frowns, while Brains face is buried in his hands...)
BILLIE: Hmph...I do *not* sound like that woman! Dont ya agree, Eggy?
BRAIN: (Moaning) This isnt *anything* like I envisioned at *all*...
PINKY: (Laughing) HAHAHA! "Gas City"...*NARF*! *TROZ*!
(Cut to Harpers HQ, where hes watching this on TV...he laughs gleefully)
HARPER: Oh, this is *great*! If these guys dont finish him off first, Axels
going to wind up doing worse than a Pat Buchanan rally in the heart of San Francisco once
*Im* done with him on "Politically Indecisive"! (Imitates Jack Nicholson)
Waitll he gets a load of *me*... (Laughs maniacally)
(Cut back to the stage, where the SNLers, now joined by "special guest"
Eminem, are moving in on the Warners...Axels finally broken free of his restraints,
and joins the sibs, only to see the approaching angry mob....)
AXEL: Lemme guess...you (bleep)s "improvised"?
DOT: Uh...you could say that. (Motions for the group to stop) Hold it!
MIKEY: What for?
YAKKO: Since youre all bent on thinking our gags are repetitive, try *this* one
for size...I think itll sell well with your viewers!
EMINEM: Well, Ive got somethin to sell---another million records! So why
dont you go (bleep) with that (bleep)in (bleep) (bleep), since yall look
like (bleep)s that like ta (bleep)?!
AXEL: *WHAT*?! Nobody calls *me* a (bleep)in (bleep)! Ya mealy-looking little
punk...what the (bleep) kind of name is "Eminem" anyway? Thats as
(bleep)in stupid as namin a rock group "the Three Musketeers" or
EMINEM: Hey, what I said aint any different from those "comedy" albums
of yours...even *I* had my limits compared to some of the language you used! (Pauses) I
think. Besides, Im not bein hateful...Im just going for...
DOT: ...cheap shock value in a cynical and unconstructive manner thatll render
you as passe as Marilyn Manson after your 15 minutes of fame are up? (To her sibs) Heard
it on MTV...
EMINEM: (Annoyed) Hey, what th--?! Ive got what it takes for the long haul,
sister, so why dont you take your (bleep) and---
DOT: (Cutting Eminem off) ---do this?
(Ropes appear from nowhere next to the sibs, who all pull them..we see slamming down on
top of Mikey, Sheryl, Eminem, and the SNL cast members several SUVs, along with a
coffee bar, a New York taxicab, the cast of "Seinfeld", and, of all things, a
YAKKO: See? We not only used anvils for our protection against sudden ninja-thug
attacks, but also made humorous social commentary!
WAKKO: We did?
YAKKO: OK, it was just plain humorous, then...
(The crowd goes beserk at this, laughing wildly...the sibs and Axel all bow, as the
audience begins chanting...however, the cast members crawl out from their pile, looking
irate...several minutes later, we see the foursome being tossed out the back door of the
VOICE: (From off-screen) And dont come *back*! Well, uh, except maybe when we
need the ratings boost again....(door closes)
AXEL: Oh, yeah? Well, I wouldnt want to come back on your (bleep)in show
even if ya *paid* me! Lousy (bleep)in (bleep) (bleep) (ble)---
DOT: Come on, Mr. Potty-mouth...time to go prepare for your next TV appearance...
(They all trudge off for their hotel room, with Axel still cursing, as we see a
spinning-TV-set come towards the screen...the image is of a newsanchor for CNN....)
ANCHOR: And so, thanks to the "Saturday Night Live" debacle last night of Mr.
Foley and his campaign staff... (we see a clip play of the Warners dropping various
objects on the cast)..."Saturday Night Live" drew its biggest ratings in the
past 10 years. While Mr. Foley and his staff have been deluged with requests from the
producers to make another return experience next week, win or lose in the election, so far
the Detroit police detective has refused, saying that hed rather "swallow
blankety-blank broken glass instead of appearing again on that blankety-blank
program". Meanwhile, the latest poll of 875 marginally likely-to-vote Michigan voters
shows that while elderly women on Medicare like Axels talk of a "lock box"
for Social Security, they disapprove of his "moral character", while 52% of
those polled are "somewhat sure" they dont trust him with the safety of
the space-time continuum, and 45% of the polled voters are certain that Mr. Foley *is* the
alleged harbinger of the apocalypse, though they cant quite figure out why.
Nevertheless, among the electorate polled as a whole, a whopping 35% of them now wish to
vote for Mr. Foley based on his appearance on "Saturday Night Live" and his
message of equal rights for anvil-wielding cartoons, with Mike Harpers lead slipping
to 62% in the polls...will Harper reshore his support? Will Mr. Foley spend election day
evening sending out invitations to his swearing-in, or back to facing repetitive
Shadow-Ensconsed Villains in equally-repetitive Final Confrontations? The world, and
Michigan, will soon find out...
(Cut to commercials promoting an A&E Biography of the life and times of
Superman...we see footage of the Superman movies, that cheesy old sixties-era Filmation
cartoon of his, Mr. Mxyzptlk making statements about "ol Super", and a
clip of Superboy eating jelly beans with the lab mice...then, cut back to the story...).
(We open on the Foley campaign headquarters, only days before Election Day...the
siblings all look quite excited, while Axel and the mice are concerned...)
YAKKO: After that appearance on SNL, were *sure* to keep scoring points if we
just do the same thing again on *next* weeks---
AXEL: Save it, Rin-Tin-Tin...I aint going back on that show in a zillion years.
Id sooner go on "Dr. (Bleep)in Laura"s (bleep) show...
BILLIE: Eeew.... (To Brain) Well, Eggy...whats the plan for tonight?
BRAIN: Well, Billie, tonight we appear on "Politically Indecisive"...the
guests scheduled include Axel, Jennifer Elfman, and...(reads the list, and looks shocked)
Of all the people---
BILLIE: Who, Eggy?
BRAIN: *Mike Harper*! I suppose that loathsome congressman wishes to face us directly
once more...very well, then...
BILLIE: Uh...sorry, Eggy, but Pinky, the Warners and I have other plans!
BRAIN: *WHAT*?! What is more important than the election? Its mere *days* away!
You should be doing nothing but sleeping, eating, and breathing politics in order to
ensure that we dont lose the lab!
PINKY: But *Braaaaiiin*, its...*Halloween*!
(Instantly, we see the Warners emerge in Halloween costumes: Wakko dressed as the
Frankenstein monster, Yakko dressed as Richard Nixon, and Dot dressed as a princess...they
break out into song...)
WARNERS: (singing, from "Scare Happy Slappy") Its *Halloween* and
were on the scene, gonna fill up with can-dy til we turn green! On
*Halloween*, who needs *protein*?...Its *HALLOWEEN*!
PINKY: Remember, Brain? You said we could go trick-or-*treating*!
BILLIE: Yeah, Eggy...I was plannin on goin as...(runs off, and returns in a
dark suit with mouse-sized Ray-Bans) A *Mouse In Black*...er, no relation to that
ill-fated "Mice in Pink" schtick you pulled in the comics, Eggy...
BRAIN: Dont remind me...
PINKY: And *I* was gonna go as...(races off the screen, and returns dressed in a
"Pokemon" costume) *Pinky-chu*! (Imitates Pikachu) "Pink-a Pink-a"!
BRAIN: (Shudders at this) Oh, *fine*, then...go ahead on your little oversugared
junket...Axel and I can face down this Harper alone!
AXEL: I dunno, I bet I could get a lot more votes *and* candy going with these
guys...(snaps his fingers) which gives me an idea! Hey, ya (bleep)s...hows about
givin those houses you go to some campaign stuff? (Hands Wakko a sack filled with
bumper stickers and pins)
WAKKO: Awww..this is gonna just slow us down! We wont be able to carry as much
AXEL: Quit complainin ....just stick it in that wacky bag...
AXEL: Whatever...of yours!
WAKKO: Oh, *fine*...but if it means less licorice, Im gonna be *really* mad!
(Sticks the bag down his shirt, and the trick-or-treaters all exit...)
(Cut to some time later, where we see the Halloween-ers are growing tired from trudging
from house to house...the mice are pulling their bags along in a wagon)
WAKKO: Hmph...cheapskates! All the lights are turned off!
DOT: Yeah...plus, all those people that gave us raisins, too...wonder if those
"Mike Harper For Congress" signs in their lawns had anything to do with it?
PINKY: Oh, I still dont have anything...all I have is a *rock*! NARF! Um...no,
wait, I put that there myself to keep my bag from blowing in the wind!
BILLIE: Hmm..say, I have an idea how to speed this up, and get more stuff, guys....
(motions for the Warners to bend down to her, and she whispers into their ears...the
Warners look intrigued...)
DOT: Gee...could work...but I dunno...it sounds so...*abusive* of our great gifts.
BILLIE: Um...beyond how much your usual gags have been abused *already*?
DOT: Good point...lets do it!
WAKKO & YAKKO: RIGHT!
(They all race up to the next house, and ring the doorbell...a pudgy, balding man
greets the quintet...)
ALL: *TRICK OR TREAT*!
PINKY: Smell my feet! I just sprayed them with Brut! *NARF*!
MAN: Aw, arent you the cutest little...(sees the sibs) ...whatevers...(puts some
candy into their bags, but hears the back doorbell ringing...) Hey, gotta go...have fun!
WARNERS: We will! (They snicker)
(The man trudges to the back door, and opens it...he sees the sibs standing there,
saying "TRICK OR TREAT"! The man puts some candy into their bags, bids them
farewell, and walks back to his easy chair, before realizing that those trick-or-treaters
looked awfully *familiar*...)
(Cut to the sibs, who are laughing it up with the mice after theyve done this gag
on the last several dozen or so houses...)
PINKY: WAHAHAHAHA! Oooh, that was *great*! That gag never gets old even the 457th time
I see it, NARF!
BILLIE: Yeah...and "profitable" too! (Looks at their bulging bags)
DOT: Gee, that stupid gag actually has a *use*....who knew?
YAKKO: Not that Harper guy...
WAKKO: Im getting tired, guys...(about to shove a big handful of candy into his
BILLIE: Hey, dont you want to x-ray that first?!
WAKKO: Um...OK! (Reaches out of the frame, and pulls in none other than the Man of
SUPERMAN: What th----?! What am *I* doing here?!?
YAKKO: Youre here for...a cheap visual pun.
DOT: Well, Supes, dont just stand there! Get to work scannin this stuff!
(Hands him their bags of loot)
SUPERMAN: (Sighs) I hate pointless cameos... (scans their bags, but pauses) Hmm...um,
you didnt happen to recall a candy apple you picked up, did you?
WAKKO: Candy apple?! Where?! (Licks his lips)
SUPERMAN: Well, I hate to tell you this, but, well...its *ticking*.
YAKKO: Really? The ways they genetically modify everything these days...
SUPERMAN: No, its going to---(Seeing its about to go off, he grabs the
apple at superspeed from the bag, and flies up into the sky...a few moments later, it goes
off, sending pieces of apple flying back to the Earth...the stick lands near the sibs,
with a label reading "Mike Harper for Congress"...the sibs and mice all look at
each other, as Supes comes in for a landing...)
SUPERMAN: Let me guess...your political opponents attempting to pull some sort of
assassination attempt and get rid of you through "mysterious" means, with the
excuse of not knowing that campaign supporter had loaded said apple with explosives?
PINKY: Uh...I just thought it was really sticky, POIT!
SUPERMAN: Never mind...anyway, Id better get going...Ive got to make sure
that Metropolis doesnt go *too* wild in its October 31st-related festivities...(the
Man of Tomorrow takes off, as the heroes wave goodbye...)
DOT: We sure had a lot to learn from a hunk like that....(sighs wistfully)
YAKKO: Yeah, like how low that Harper guys willin to sink to try to
"get us out of the way"...with a stunt straight outta the Shadow-Ensconsed
WAKKO: So, does this mean hes working for someone like all those other guys?
BILLIE: Maybe, Wakko...or *with* someone...but we dont have time to figure out
that right now...weve gotta get back to Axel and Eggy!
(As the Halloweenies exit the scene, we cut to the house that handed out the explosive
candy apple...we see a figure covered in shadows is annoyed by this unsuccessful
assassination attempt, as he looks on at the departing toons/mice with
night-vision-featuring binoculars...it seems to be the same figure that Stewie was
speaking to earlier...)
FIGURE: Blast! They shouldve perished...if not for the efforts of that wretched
superhero! Oh, how Ive come to hate his ilk...well, no matter...pulling such
anonymous assassination attempts probably arent for the best, anyway...lets
just hope for Mr. Griffin and my sake that Mr. Harper pulls through within the next
week...which reminds me, he should be on "Politically Indecisive" right now...
(As we cut away from this oh-so-mysterious Shadow-Ensconsed Villain/Stewies
"silent partner", we cut to the studios of "Politically Indecisive" in
New York...we see the host of the show, Bill Marred, walk onto the stage...)
BILL: Hey, there...Im Bill Marred, and welcome to another rousing intellectual
debate! Joining us will be....Michigan independent candidate for the House of
Representatives, Axel Foley...his opponent, incumbent Representative Mike Harper,
Axels campaign manager Brain Cheney, and from TVs "Dharma and Greg",
Jennifer Elfman! (We see all the debaters come out onto the stage, and sit in their
chairs...) OK, now that youre all here, lets begin....now, I understand one
key issue is the whole flap about Axel having been the... (squints at the poor handwriting
on his note cards) "hairbringer" of the "Apokolips"...can you tell us
why you were playing hairdresser for an evil overlord to a comic-book alternate dimension?
AXEL: OK, first of all, I wasnt playin Little Miss Homemaker...it was a
minor "transgression" in my "youth". Im over it now, I assure
BILL: Sure you are, Axel. Cmon...you really expect the press to ignore your
various "transgressions" as mere "youthful exuberance"? You were well
into your thirties when all of your heinous deeds against your now-campaign-staff-workers
happened...I mean, only a year ago, it says here you stole some sort of time machine and
wreaked havoc in some future year...
AXEL: HEY! Lay the (bleep) off me! You media (blee)--um, guys are all the same! I
should know, since I work *in* the media...
HARPER: Speaking of which...how do you plan on keeping up your movie appearances while
voting on vital pieces of legislation? I mean, you cant be in two places at
once...of course, when Im elected, such space-time distortion prohibitiveness *will*
be a literal matter-of-law...
AXEL: Well, Ill just take some time off and send one of those absentee
votes...yknow, like how all you incumbents keep takin time off for those
zillion-dollar-a- plate dinners, or dedicatin some sewer pipe in Podunkville, Texas,
or the like...besides, Ive also worked in law enforcement....before you even get to
bashin my experience and education credentials, I just wanted to mention that.
HARPER: Please...your credentials are of the same caliber of police education as that
"academy" those Warners went to for those violence-inducing police
missions...why should the public trust someone whos only been a police detective in
some Rust Belt city over someone with actual political experience like *myself*?
JENNIFER ELFMAN: Beats me...um, wanna see me stand on my head? Its really
*groovy*! (Does so...)
BILL: Cute, Jen...
BRAIN: I concur with Ms. Elfmans assessment of her physical skills, but as for
Mr. Harpers question, Ill field that one. Now then, while Mr. Foley might not
be the most well-educated candidate, I have to admit that no matter what the job involves,
he gets it done. Hes learned from the streets of life...the school of hard knocks...
BILL: Feh...you really believe that, Brain? Or are you just so desperate to get him
elected, youre willing to say anything to make it so?
BRAIN: Well, I admit that this election concerns me in more ways than one...hence my
support! Besides, while Axel might have his own..."unique"...personality traits,
through all the time Ive known him, hes been an effective officer at his job.
That, despite his lack of education or intellectual sophistication, is one reason for my
support of his candidacy.
AXEL: Yeah, Brain heres got a point, Harper. Ive seen how ugly things can
get in the streets, Mr. Harper...what ugliness have *you* seen? I mean...(shakes his head)
I dont even want to go *into* some of the stuff Ive seen. Makes even *me*
shudder. But you know why I keep punchin the clock at the station all the time?
Because, tossin aside all the jokes, I think Im makin a difference. More
than youre doin sitting around smokin them cigars or playin golf
or whatever it is youre doin on the taxpayers dime...
JENNIFER ELFMAN: Oooh, the bloods rushing to my *head*...
HARPER: How *dare* you! I have much more abilities to handle this job than *you*
have...you and that team of "staff" of yours...and your questionable
AXEL: Ill have you know that Im plannin to make that
"staff" of mine my *office* staff once Im elected!
BRAIN: (Whispering to Axel) Psst! Stick-to-the-script! Remember: tax
AXEL: (Whispering) Sorry, but hes insulted my *skills*! My *being*! Im not
takin that lyin down! (To Harper) Hear that, Harper? Those "puppy
kids" are gonna help me run things! I mean, they could use the work...
(Cut to the sibs, with the mice at their campaign HQ watching this on TV...theyre
eating the candy from their earlier outing. The sibs are shocked by this proposal of
WAKKO: Whoa...*us*? In *Washington*?!
DOT: Theres a thought...wonder if theyll survive?
WAKKO: Wonder if the *country* will survive?
YAKKO: At least its permanent work, guys...until Axel blows it all and gets
impeached or somethin...
DOT: Plus, think of all the people unexposed to our "uniqueness" in
Washington! (Pauses) I call spin-doctor to Axels speech-writing!
WAKKO: Aw, I wanted that...cant you cover up Axels stupid mistakes instead?
Ive still got some good movie speeches left!
DOT: Sorry, but I called first!
(Back to the show...)
AXEL: Look, Im speakin from the heart, here...I mean what I say.
JENNIFER ELFMAN: (Still standing on her head) A *politician* honest?! What a shocking
thought...(falls over) Ow...my nose.
HARPER: Well, I say to you, Mr. Foley, that youd best step up your campaign.
*Fast*. In you and those toons words, the "Final Confrontation"
known as Election Day is coming...youd better hope the votimg electorate of Michigan
are more forgiving than *I* am.
AXEL: Of course they will! Look, folks at home, Ill lay this down on ya. I
represent inclusiveness...personal liberty...freedom of speech to say whatever the (bleep)
ya want...(we hear patriotic music swell up in the background, as an American flag drops
down behind him) Axel Foley might not be perfect, but I *do* promise to do whatever it
takes to make sure that everyone will receive a fair shake, "little Jimmys"
wont have to go to school without cutting-edge cybernetic robot technology, and that
health care will be available for all. I mean, do you really want to vote for someone like
*him*? (Points at Harper) Sure, he comes off as charming, but this isnt a *beauty
contest*, folks---this is the future of our nation!
BRAIN: (Completely shocked, his mouth hanging open) Axels actually
AXEL: I mean, if ya want someone "charismatic" and "charming"
elected to public office over someone with actual *experience* and know-how on how the
world works, I suggest you vote for Bill Cosby or someone...I mean, Mr. Harper, you still
havent even told us whos funding your campaign! For all we know, it could be
your *daddy* whos doin it!
HARPER: Now hold on...sure, my father helped me get into this office...and got me into
that nice expensive college with only a C- grade point average and an essay on the virtues
of "comparison shopping fraternities"...and shelled out for my *first* few
campaigns for local offices...but hes *not* funding *this* effort! (Stands up,
proudly) Im my *own man* this time, folks! (Looks nervous) Um...wait...
AXEL: Ha! What I figured! Meanwhile, folks, I represent grassroots campaignin!
Like my associate Brain here...or those Warners I hired! OK, Im not sayin you
have to vote for me or anything...vote for whoever the (bleep) you want...but just make
sure you *do* vote, and while Id prefer it was for me, I just hope you all choose
whoever it is that you feel best represents our great state of Michigan. Thank you. (The
patriotic music builds to a crescendo, as the flag behind Axel is raised back up...the
(Cut to an undecided voter in Michigan, whos holding two brochures, one promoting
Al Gore and one promoting Ralph Nader...lying in front of him is a brochure promoting
George W. Bush...)
UNDECIDED VOTER: Gee, first the Gore supporters told me that a "vote for Nader is
a vote for Bush" and that Ill be "throwing my vote away" and
"give the whole election to Bush"...then the Nader people told me that a
"vote for Nader is a vote for Nader" and nothing more or less... then the Bush
supporters said that Bush represents "change", and that this is a battleground
state, with any vote for Bush possibly being a fundamental decision-maker in the
election...now that nice Mr. Foley person says I should "vote for whoever the (bleep)
I want"...um...uh...(looks panicked) Cant...decide...cant...*decide*...
(Screams in panic and runs out the room...)
(Cut to after the program, where we see a reporter...)
REPORTER: ...and heres the latest poll reports...from an ABC/Disney/Marcies
Beauty Shop of Saginaw, Michigan poll, the latest analysis of 700 panicked, screaming,
undecided Michigan votrers showed that before they ran off screaming over the presidential
choices, Axel Foleys ratings have shot up tremendously, all the way to 47%!
Meanwhile, Mike Harpers indecisive response to where hes receiving his
campaign fund sources from and the revelation that his father literally got him where he
is today sent his popularity plummeting to 53%...with a 4% margin of error, this puts both
candidates at a statistical *tie*...this elections so close that it could go either
way...will Harper be merely polishing the name on his door come the day after the
elections, or will Mr. Foley literally become the "Distinguished Gentleman"?
Will the public see him as the "Golden Child"...or merely another actor
"Doolittle"? The world...awaits. From New York, good night.
(Zoom out to a scene of various people, including a jubilant Foley and Brain, leaving
the studio...however, all is not jubilant for a certain incumbent senator, as we see,
inside his car, hes on the horn with his infantile cohort once more...)
HARPER: (Speaking into a cell phone) Hmph...thats right. That foul-mouthed
jerks managed to put me in a *dead heat*! (Listens to Stewie) Youre
(bleep)in right Im *mad*! I expected more *help* from you! Just what the
(bleep) are you *doing*, anyway?!
(Cut to Stewie...we see hes having his diaper changed by Peter Griffin)
STEWIE: Oh, well, Im...uh...incapacitated at the moment. But I can assure you...
HARPER: That youll try *harder* at getting that Axel person out of the race?
STEWIE: Indeed..no need for the snide tone, Mr. Harper...remember whos providing
HARPER: Indeed...a lot of good thats going to do now! Now what the heck am I
supposed to do?!
STEWIE: Youll just have to campaign *HARD*...be ruthless! Hit him where it hurts!
Meanwhile, Ill try to increase your funding as much as possible...by the time
were done, no one in Michigan will be able to look both ways without seeing the
words "Harper"! And once youre elected, my revenge shall be at *HAND*!
HARPER: Of course...good night, my youthful partner. Remember to thank your anonymous
funding source for me.
STEWIE: I will, I will. (Hangs up) Hmm...I must work harder at increasing funds to
Harper, so that he can put the kibosh on that large-headed rat that bested me...(grows
annoyed) What th---?! You *imbecile*! Im not an office memorandum!
(We see that Peters paper-clipped his diaper on)
PETER: I couldnt find a safety pin, so I used this...works well, huh? (Stupid
laugh) Especially since we *all* *know* youre a *FREAK*! (Stupid laugh again, but
doesnt get very far, as Stewies whipped out a ray gun and fired it at Peter,
freezing him solid.)
STEWIE: Thank goodness...well not be hearing any more from *him* until this
bloody elections come and gone. Now then, to *work*....and *TO VICTORY*! (We see
Stewie shift his eyes back and forth, before running off...)
(Fade to commercials, consisting of attack ads from candidates for the 35th district
dogcatchers assistant...then cut back to the "story"...)
(We open back on Axels campaign HQ, now looking a bit more well-run...inside, we
see the campaign staff answering phones...off to the side, we see Axel march into the
room, looking determined...he addresses the staff, who all drop what theyre doing to
come front and center.)
AXEL: (Carrying pieces of paper) OK, all, listen up! Only days before the election, and
Im through playin around...were playin *hardball*, and I
dont care what it takes...were bustin through this dead heat, and gonna
show Harper who the better man is!
YAKKO: Whoa...arent *you* turnin into Mr. Take-Charge...
AXEL: (Bleep) straight!
DOT: Any reason *why*? Besides three very adorable and highly likeable friends of yours
having their careers on the lines?
AXEL: Well, that, and I just got tired of bein treated like I dont know
what Im doing. (Yakkos about to say something, but gets cut off) Yeah, yeah, I
know, youre gonna say somethin snide. Well, comedy times bein put
on hold, Groucho...this is serious (bleep) were talkin about here! After that
TV appearance, I got so upset that I went to look up some background info on that Harper
(bleep)...do you know what the (bleep) he did while in office all these years?! I mean, no
wonder the main police stations so run down lookin...and all of these votes of
his on a zillion issues are *beyond* ridiculous! And that (bleep) even rented out a spare
bedroom in his house in DC to Hollywood celebrities ta get more funds! How pathetic is
DOT: Whoa...Axels done actual *research*?! On his *own*?!
AXEL: (Bleep)in yeah, I did...and now, I know where to hit that (bleep)er where
it hurts. So, whos with me...are ya ready to take this guy down?!
AXEL: Then lets *get to work*! (Hands some material to the sibs) Heres some
info on Harpers votin record...see what you can do with that!
WAKKO: Aw, cant we get somethin to eat fir---
BRAIN: You heard the man...weve got a campaign to conduct. Yes! Soon, victory
will be *mine*!
WAKKO: Oh, *OK*.... (The sibs exit, as do the mice...)
PINKY: (Chomping on a leftover piece of Halloween candy) Um, Brain...
BRAIN: Yes, Pinky?
PINKY: I still think that savings bonds will help Axel win! I mean, if its so
close and every teensy-weensey bitty will *help*...
BRAIN: Pinky, *please*! Nobody cares about savings bonds! Theyre
outdated...theyre unexciting...theyre lacking in "new economy"
seductiveness! Now *come*...I must aid Axel in achieving his goals, so that I may *take
over the world*!
BILLIE: Waitaminute, Eggy....you arent helpin Axel with all this just to
*use* him as part of your plans to take over the *world*?!
BRAIN: *What*?! Well, I...er, that is...
BILLIE: (Shaking her head) Oh, *Eggy*...I thought you mightve set aside your
focus for *once* at least...I mean, how do you even *know* that Axel wants to be used by
you in such a manner?!
BRAIN: Well, I...er...that is...(Relents) Oh, all right, *fine*! I admit that was my
main goal all along. I figured I could use Axel to rise to power through various carefully
worded bill riders, legislation, and politicizing... plus that even if Harper won, I
figured Id manage to find *some* way to keep control of the lab...
BILLIE: Which as you should know by now will be *impossible* if Harpers elected.
The language of that proposed bill of his is awfully specific...like I said,
somethings up...and fortunately, I know how to figure out where hes getting
his funds from!
BRAIN: So, you arent mad at me over my ulterior motives?
BILLIE: (Sighs) Im a bit disappointed, but I suppose I shouldnt be
surprised, Eggy, given how long Ive known you...
BRAIN: Well, I suppose my hopes might be sidelined, anyway, if hes planning on
using those *Warners* as staff workers...a factor I didnt forsee at the time I
planned on our coming here.
BILLIE: Well, thats OK, Eggy...once this all blows over, we can always go back to
the lab so you can plan your next move...while *I* write this all up for a magazine
BRAIN: *Magazine* piece?!
BILLIE: Yeah...was considerin submitting this to "Newsbleak" or some
online magazine an article about all this.... a commentary on the whole campaign! Or even
a *book* about all this: "Axel Grease: the Rise, Fall and Reform of an Apocalyptic
Harbinger"! Whaddya think?
BRAIN: Uh...sounds like a veritable best-seller...
BILLIE: Thanks, Eggy! Come on, boys...weve got some computer hackin to do!
PINKY: (Speaking with his mouth full of candy) Mff-mmmf!
(The mice exit the scene...some time later, we see theyre at a PC in a back
office in the campaign HQ, with Billie typing at a miniature keyboawrd with mechanical
hands attached to the human-sized keyboard, a la the PatB Christmas special...)
BILLIE: Not much of a firewall...more of a fire*molehill*...lessee...(hits a few keys)
Aha! Were in!
PINKY: Really? I thought we were pretty passe...I mean, white fur is *so* three years
BILLIE: No, Pinky, I mean were inside Harpers computer files! Now to see
where hes getting his funds from...
(We see data scan across the screen, and the data reflected on the mices
eyeballs...all three gasp when they see whos crediting Harpers account)
PINKY: (Gasps) Egad! He sure doesnt waste much time after being blown up, does
he? (* As seen in the oh-so-dramatic Final Confrontation of "Warner Academy
BRAIN: (Enraged) I *knew* it! I knew that Harper was in league with *someone*...I
didnt think itd be that *brat*! It explains that assassination attempt on the
two of you during your trick-or-treating...
BILLIE: But that doesnt make much sense...where is a one-year-old infant getting
money to do all this? His parents obviously arent rich...(taps a few more buttons)
...and all that looking up Stewies name reads is "no further data"
BRAIN: Good question, but theres no time to address that now...weve got to
warn the others! With that little monster involved, much more than our own existence is at
stake! Come, Pinky...weve got the campaign to end *all* campaigns to put on!
PINKY: Righty-o, Brain! NARF!
(The mice all exit...however, we see at the other end of this computer connection is
Stewie himself, at his computer inside of his underground lair...hes detected this
bit of hacking...)
STEWIE: Oh, Billie, for all your purported intellect, you *failed* to cover your
computer hackery in a way that I couldnt detect you...but Im sure youll
have plenty of time to refine your computing skills once youre rendered homeless and
forced to live in a community college science lab! HA! But your little knowledge
wont be for naught...oh, no...I *want* you to experience my fear...a fear that shall
be your *undoing*! Prepare yourselves for the Day of Reckoning, my dear Billie, Pinky, and
Brain...for soon, the Final Confrontation of the first Tuesday of November shall be
upon us...and *this* time, there shall be but one victor: ME! (Dum-dum-duuuummm...) Now to
make sure that Harpers got enough funds to make Bill Gates do a double-take...(dials
his cell phone) Hello? Thats right, its me...listen, you...we need to increase
funds to Harper! If we are to do in that low-brow comedian cop, those monkey-like
mongrels, and the three rats, we need to increase funds!
(On the other end, we see the Shadow-Ensconsed Villain is behind his desk, speaking to
Stewie via a speakerphone...hes stroking what looks like a piece of high-powered
weaponry...a fluffy white cat walks by, and the figures hand strokes it as well.)
FIGURE: Dont worry, Stewie. Funding shall be increased, as per your request. I
wish to see those cretins done in as much as you do...soon, we shall *all* achieve our
mutual goals. Good day, my friend. (Turns the speakerphone off, thus hanging up) Ah, soon,
victory shall be mine at long last...after all these years of waiting, I *will* prevail. I
only wished Id thought of this sooner... (breaks out into maniacal laughter, as it
echos through his room...a pan up reveals the rooms filled with various forms of
high-tech gear and weaponry, as dramatic music plays...)
(Back to Stewie...)
STEWIE: (Hanging up as well) Ah, yes...success will be here at last! (Looks at his
watch) Hmm...and so will that "Rugrats" video I ordered! I must hurry to the
mailbox, *quickly*! (He runs out of the facility...a dramatic chord plays, and we fade to
(Cut to the usual commercials, but theyre crowded out via being bumped off the
screen in favor of the previously-seen Axel Foley and Mike Harper campaign ads being
played en masse...we cut back from commercials and go to that fanfic favorite, a montage
scene. With "Dont Rock the Boat" playing in the background (for lack of a
better song to think of on the spur-of-the-moment by the writer with a nonexistent CD
collection and wanting a song with a title that rhymes with "vote"), we see a
series of politically-charged scenes...we see: Axel giving campaign speeches on the back
of a train moving through Michigan, with a crowd of sightseers waving signs reading
"The Squeaky Wheel *Will* get the (Axel) Grease" and "Vote Foley At the
Poll-y" ; the Warners slapping bumper stickers and campaign pins all over everyone
that passes them on a Kalamazoo, Michigan sidewalk, along with flyers about Harpers
past voting record; Brain writing speeches for Axel and arranging many media appearances
for the Campaigning One, while Billie gives interviews on Sunday morning TV shows to push
Axel, and Pinky (in his "Pinky-chu" costume) is trying to convince parents (with
their children) to vote for Axel, all while saying "Pink-a, Pink-a" and laughing
insanely. The montage also shows scenes of Harper shoring up his core base of supporters,
a myriad of news reporters and media figures/outfits from Fred Doppel to NPR talk show
hosts to Dr. Laura discussing this race, and an equally myriad number of polls, which
still show Axel Foley and Mike Harper in a statistical dead heat.)
(Still in a montage format (but with Aretha Franklins "Think" now
playing), we cut to a scene of Pinky and Billie slouched over phones, dead asleep, as
Brain, looking disheveled and exhausted, is writing another speech for Axel. He pauses a
moment, and, seeing the sleeping mice, pulls out a towel and puts it over the two, before
he continues his work. Panning across the room, we see the Warners, looking exhausted, are
with Axel and a reporter for a local Detroit TV station giving an interview. We then cut
to shots of various characters seen in past fanfic stories, from Freakazoid to Superman to
Loud Kiddington to Elmyra to Plotz to Melissa Lamsen, are being interviewed for their
reactions to this tight race, despite none of them being Michigan state residents. Cut to
a series of shots of undecided voters, pondering over the choices and unable to make up
their minds, followed by a series of shots of Axel and Harpers campaign pins, bumper
stickers, etc. A series of newspaper headlines from the "Detroit Free Press",
"Newsbleak", "Entertainment Bi-Weekly", etc. all mention this race. We
cut to a shot of the Warners pounding an "Axel Foley 2000" sign into a lawn, and
pull back to see that theyve filled all the lawns on the street with campaign signs.
Cut to several quick shots of Stewie, engaged in a variety of activities ranging from
having a back rub to eating an ice cream cone to trying to kill his mother for the 575th
time, along with shots of his financier, still in shadows and eyeing a TV set playing this
coverage with glee. Cut to Pinky, whos handing out savings bond application forms
with Axels campaign brochures attached to them on a streetcorner in Michigans
Upper Peninsula. We then cut to a shot of the candidates and Axels staff, all
looking quite weary, in their respective headquarters; Axel is seen swallowing a whole pot
of coffee whole, with Brain drinking a thimbles worth of the brown stuff, while
Wakkos disappointedly allowed to have only decaf. Finally, we cut to a shot of a TV
set indicating that the race, for all this trouble, is still in a dead heat, and pull back
to see a reporter standing outside of Axels campaign headquarters on Election Day
REPORTER: And so, its finally here...the Final Confrontation between all
candidates...ELECTION DAY! As the public goes to the polls, the question will finally be
answered: who will win this captivating race between two candidates with similar goals,
yet different ideologies? Will Michigans residents wake up tomorrow with the promise
of a spatial-distortion-free world...or a cybernetic robot thingie in every grade school
from New Buffalo to Sault Ste. Marie? The state...and the country...will soon find out.
(Pan away from the HQ, which we see is closed, to a nearby polling center...we see Axel
walk out of the booth, giving two thumbs up and doing a staccato laugh; he still looks
tired, but chipper.)
AXEL: OK, Ive done *my* part...now well just have to wait and see what
happens, I guess...
BRAIN: (Sees Pinky looking depressed) Pinky, I told you, you *cant*
vote...were not state of Michigan residents! Besides, you got to cast that absentee
ballot for the state of New Yorks elections, remember?
PINKY: (Perks up) Oh, yes, now I remember! It was so much fun pushing all those little
pins...it was just like a Lite Brite set! NARF! HAHAHA! Happy happy! (Brain moans)
BILLIE: Well, come on, guys...lets get back to the headquarters and see
whats gonna go down...all this isnt makin me any calmer, I admit...I
mean, whos gonna win this thing?!
BRAIN: I dont know, Billie...all we can do now is wait and see...
(Dramatic music plays, as we go to commercials promoting early-November
pre-pre-Christmas sales play...then, we return to the "senses-shattering"
conclusion of our politicized tale...)
(Cut to the Axel Foley HQ, where we see various TV newsvans are parked out front;
inside, we see a crowd of Bleepmeister supporters all conversing in the room, with the
main staff congregated around the TV set...the clock on the wall indicates it's pretty
late at night...all are drinking coffee, except for Wakko, who seems to be missing...)
REPORTER ON TV: ...is the winner of the presidential race. We think. Um...maybe.
(Panics) Oh, all *RIGHT*, it's too close to tell! *Nobody* knows!! (Calms down) And
speaking of close races, in Michigan, it seems that the results are in, and we'd like to
announce the winner of the much-publicized House campaign between Axel Foley and Mike
AXEL: YES! Here it comes, baby...my (bleep)in' moment in the sun! I'm on *FIRE*!
(Pauses) Um...forget I said that last line.
BRAIN: I'm *trying*, believe me...
REPORTER: ...apparently, Mr. Foleys astounding comeback in the polls was strongly
traced to voters citing his support for U.S. savings bonds....
PINKY: See, Brain? I knew itd work! NARF! (Brain rolls his eyes)
REPORTER: ...based on 99% of the precints reporting, we project that *Mike Harper* is
our projected winner, with 51% of the vote!
WARNERS: (Wailing) Awwwwww....
AXEL: *WHAT*?! (A series of explitives follows) I'm not takin' *this*...I'm callin' the
electoral comission! (Whips out his cell phone, and begins dialing; someone answers) WHAT
THE (BLEEP) IS THIS?! I DEMAND A (BLEEP)IN' RECOUNT, YA (BLEEP)S! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU
(BLEEP)IN' HEARD ME! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, THE (BLEEP)IN' RACE BETWEEN GEORGE
(BLEEP)IN' BUSH AND AL (BLEEP)IN' GORE?! YOU (BLEEP)S GET WHAT I'M (BLEEP)IN' SAYIN'?!
(Sounds of screaming can be heard from the other end of the phone)
BILLIE: (Slaps her face over this Axel-outburst/the results) That's it, we're
REPORTER: Wait...no, I'm sorry...we've just received word, ladies and gentlemen, that
Axel Foley himself has requested a *recount* of all the votes...between this and the
single 1% of the precints that have yet to report, this could tip the election to Foley if
an error in counting's been discovered. However, we can't expect any final announcement on
this race for at least another 15 hours...or days...or even *weeks*.
DOT: Great...we don't get to find out if we're all doomed or not until *tomorrow*, if
AXEL: Well, I don't mind waitin'...since I *know* that (bleep) Harper's goin' down!
REPORTER: Meanwhile, one of the electoral commissioners reports taking an unexpected
leave of absence...citing a sudden bout of "undue stress" that happened mere
moments ago. We can only guess that it was due to the stress of such a tight race...check
back with this station for furth----
(We see the image snap off, and pull back to see that it's Harper who shut off a TV
set. He's in his office, alone, in his main headquarters, while outside, various
supporters are gathered)
HARPER: I must find a way to assure my victory...how *dare* Foley demand a *recount*.
VOICE FROM NOWHERE: No need, my friend---*I* shall do the thinking *for* you! (the
suporters look around, rather startled)
HARPER: Excuse me, but as a politician, I'm *more* than capable of having an
intelligent thought... wait, who *said* that?!
VOICE: I did... (we see a figure ensconsed in shadows, in a corner of the room...) I
was the one who attempted to blow up those rodents, *and* who's been funneling funds into
HARPER: Really? Well, you sure didn't give me *enough* of it...I mean, with this
recount and all...
VOICE: That shall not be of any concern. Thanks to my talents, we can still ensure your
victory...now enjoy the rest of your evening, Mr. Harper, and do not concern yourself with
what will happen over the next day or so...for soon, you shall be re-elected, and have
your bill passed into law. (The figure vanishes)
HARPER: Hmph...at least he could've told me his *name*...or somesuch thing...
(Cut back to the Axel Foley HQ, where we see Wakko's finally returned, holding a large
pile of Happy Meal bags...)
WAKKO: I'm back! Say, what'd I miss?
PINKY: Oh, we gotta wait til tomorrow to see if Mr. Potty Mouth wins, NARF!
WAKKO: Awww...so what do we do til then?
DOT: Do some makeovers?
PINKY: Eat cotton candy till we *barf*? POIT!
WAKKO: Check out that weird-looking figure I saw hidden in shadows that was headin'
into the McDonald's?
(All gasp at Wakko)
YAKKO: Wakko, my boy, it appears you've stumbled onto a key part of the mystery!
WAKKO: (Imitates Scooby-Doo) Ri rid? (Clears his throat) Sorry...I meant, "I
BILLIE: After all this time, that *could* be where that brat Stewie's hiding
out...right under our noses! And of all places, McDonald's---the one place no one
ever suspected of being a possible villain's hideout! Especially after we've been there so
DOT: Well, *I* did when that nice Mr. Judge Doom person came by awhile ago... (* - in
"Toons and Doom")
BRAIN: (Shudders) Only so you could carry out your usual animated chicanery once inside
that wretched eatery...
DOT: Well, what'd ya expect? We hadn't bugged minimum-wage-earning teenagers in
BRAIN: (Moans) Never *mind*...if that Stewie brat *is* hiding under the guise of a
neighbor, we must investigate...
PINKY: What about the recount-thingy? POIT!
BRAIN: No time, Pinky...besides, we'll find out who won *after* we deal with that
incorrigible little monster. Come, all...we're off!
PINKY: We're off? Um...shouldn't I punch out first, Brain? NARF!
BRAIN: Good idea... (Whaps Pinky on the head, who giggles) Let us take our leave...
(all exit the HQ, and head towards the McD's next door...however, we see that through the
hidden camera in the room that Stewie's watched the whole thing from his lair in Rhode
STEWIE: Oh, this *is* delightful! Not only will the election be all but Harper's, but
those fools are going to stumble right into my partner's lap! Once they're inside, they're
sure to face their doom! Oh, if only I could get out there to aid him in this delightful
victory---*curse* this 9 PM bedtime! (Runs off the screen, and runs back, changed into
pajamas) Come along, Rupert...I guess I'll find out who "wins" tomorrow morning
like everyone else...ha! (Grabs his teddy-bear, and the two exit the room...dramatic music
(Cut to the McDonald's next door, as we see the Foley staff enter...)
BRAIN: (Making a face as he glances around the standard-looking M*ckeyD's interior)
Ugh...nice to see after this many trips to this establishment, some things never change...
PINKY: Oh, but they *do* change, Brain! NARF! (Points) Look---they've raised the prices
of their meals by a dollar!
BRAIN: Another reason to avoid patronizing here, I suppose...$3 for a hamburger that
tastes like someone ran a steamroller over it, indeed...(sighs) we'd best start searching
for anything suspiciou---
(Brain's voice trails off, as he sees the Warners immediately racing off...soon, the
sounds of the McD's employees screaming can be heard from coming off-screen, followed by
Pinky laughing over the sib's antics...)
BRAIN: (Moans) Not *again*... (Ignoring this nonsense, Brain (dragging the
still-laughing Pinky along), Billie, and Axel head to an older female employee who's
changing trash bags...)
BRAIN: Excuse me, madame, but we're from the Axel Foley campaign headquarters next
door, and we wish to inquire about a person one of our cohorts saw coming in here moments
LADY: (Seeing Axel) Say, don't I remember you? (Grows excited) Little Axel Foley! It's
been so long? Remember me? Mrs. Smith from down the street when you were runnin' around in
sprinklers as a kid?
AXEL: Er...uh...yeah. Uh...hi, Mrs. Smith.
MRS. SMITH: How come you didn't say anything about our neighborhood and fixin' it up
while you were talking about puttin' Vermicellis...
PINKY: (Still laughing) *Verminators*, POIT!
MRS. SMITH: *Whatever*...in schools? Besides, we could use the jobs...though I still
voted for you anyway, even despite that mouth of yours...(Pinches Axel's cheek, as he
winces in pain)
AXEL: Well, what're you doin' working *here*? I thought you were workin' at that car
MRS. SMITH: They shut everything down...sent everything overseas. So, me and some of
the other workers here had to *make do*... (glances at her uniform)
BRAIN: (Shudders) I'm sorry youre forced by economic circumstance to work *here*,
Madame...but if you could, we'd like to know if you've seen some anonymous-looking
figure...about 6 feet tall, covered in shadows?
MRS. SMITH: You mean, our oh-so-private *owner*?! That cheapskate won't even raise our
salaries to somethin' that covers *bus fare*!
BILLIE: He's the owner? Can we speak with him?
MRS. SMITH: I don't know...none of us have actually seen him! The manager of the store
even says he doesn't know what the owner looks like...he just slips all the paychecks,
papers and whatever into the manager's mailbox as needed.
BILLIE: I see...where does the owner spend his time?
MRS. SMITH: In the back of the store, but the door's usually locked...none of us have
been in there! (Sighs) But I suppose I can show you where the door is...
BRAIN: That'd be greatly appreciated. (To Pinky) Come, Pinky...
PINKY: (Still laughing at the Warners antics) WAHAHAHA! Two places at---(Brain
clasps his mouth shut, and the three mice, led by Axel and Mrs. Smith, walk towards the
back of the store...they pass the Warners, now thoroughly engaged in annoying the heck out
of the underpaid, overworked staff...)
BRAIN: (To the sibs) Cease this spatial-dimension-distorting nonsense at *once*!
YAKKO: (Annoying one worker with this gag) Aw, but all the greats do
DOT: (Painting flowers all over the employee bulletin board with ketchup) Those
scientists that discovered how to make subatomic particles do that gag with quantum
physics? Read it in "Cosmo"...
BRAIN: Indeed...but that's different. That insipid gag actually has scientific merit,
as much as it pains me to admit, and it could hold promise of great new computing power if
ever implemented on a controllable scale...however, *your* use of such quantum theory
principles serve only as obnoxious, cheap parlor games!
WAKKO: (Devouring fries and burgers by the boxful) No it's not...I spent *$3* on this
deck of cards! (Whips out an "old maid" deck)
BRAIN: (Grows irate) I--- (calms down, and moans) Oh, *never mind*...we've wasting
*time*...which would be par for the course for any outing involving the three of *you*, I
suppose. (The group keeps walking, with Brain finally letting go of Pinky's
mouth...finally, the Warners, Axel, Mrs. Smith, and the still-annoyed McD's staff reach
the back door, which has signs reading "Keep Out", "Go Away", etc. on
MRS. SMITH: This is it...but like we said, none of us has ever been allowed inside!
BRAIN: Well, we'll see about that...Wakko, if you would?
WAKKO: No problem! (Puts on a football helmet, and begins sprinting towards the door
head-first...he smashes the door down. All look inside, and see a stairwell...)
MRS. SMITH: I didn't know this place had a basement...
BILLIE: Come on...let's see where it leads! (All do so...)
(Cut to the bottom of the stairwell...we see that the bottom of the stairs leads to a
tunnel...at the end of the tunnel, the heroes emerge to find, to their shock, a
well-armored room, with various weaponry, high-tech equipment, etc. all lining the walls
and piling the floors...all are shocked by this)
WAKKO: Whoa...these must be next week's "Happy Meal" toys! (Runs over
and picks up a bazooka) Faboo!
BRAIN: Put that down! It's *not* one of those juvenile fast food meal toys...(grows
concerned) For some reason, though, there's something familiar with all this...
BILLIE: Yeah, Eggy...it's like we've seen this type of weaponry before...from some past
PINKY: Uh...that evil Dudley Puppy fellow we met in Mexico awhile ago? NARF! (* - in
"Fastest Mice Alive")
BILLIE: Don't think so...hed probably have incorporated his hypervelocity suit
aspects into these weapons...
WAKKO: (Putting down the bazooka) Maybe it's that bartender guy, Moe*...or that mad
scientist guy with that really big spider!** (* - who the gang faced off against in
"Warner Academy 2")
BRAIN: I doubt it...there's no way that bartender could get ahold of *this* much
weaponry...as for the mad scientist Dr. Burrows, perhaps so, except that his grudge is
primarily against those youths Loud Kiddington and Charity, not us*... (* - see
"Another 24 Hours")
DOT: Wait! There's also Dr. Laura...or any of those stupid ninja-thugs weve faced
off against in all those stories...
BILLIE: Hmph...good point...though those ninja-thugs usually weren't packing *this*
much weaponry, unless they changed their tunes...and Dr. Lauras probably laying low
after that Judge Doom incident*--or tending to her TV show. (* - see "Toons and
Doom" ---B., thinking these cross-story-continuity references are getting out of
YAKKO: Oooh, ooh! I know! Could it be...*Snowflake*?
BRAIN: Doubtful...we've not heard from him in nearly two years...plus, he seems to have
reformed his ways after our meeting.* (* - Snowflake appeared way back in "Chaos
AXEL: Uh...you sure it couldn't be that *Faust* guy you met?
BRAIN: (With a disturbed look on his face) Goodness...that *is* a possibility...(Shakes
his head) No, it can't be...he's still in prison. Plus, he'd have attempted to kidnap me
or Billie by now. Attempting to assassinate Billie on that trick-or-treating outing of
yours wouldn't be in character for him...
PINKY: Ooooh, maybe it's his dopplar-radar from that parallel
BRAIN: Perhaps, Pinky, but doubtful...his main grudge is against our otherworldly
counterparts, as much as he'd probably take delight in seeing us perish...plus, like
Wally, Wallace Faust would've just kidnapped that Earth's Brain and Billie for his
nefarious plans.* (* - the mice met the "Earth-2" version of Wally Faust in
"Brain of Two Worlds")
DOT: It isn't Plotzie...I don't see any Pokemon runnin' about. So, if it's none of our
usual baddies from our pasts, then *who* is it?
VOICE: Ah, but it *is* someone from the past...*your* past, Brain!
BRAIN: (Startled, as are the others) Who...who said that?! It almost sounds
*familiar*...yet I can't quite place it...where are you?!
VOICE: Since you're all about to die anyway, why don't I show you...
MRS. SMITH: About to *die*?! I don't think so...especially since I didn't even *do*
anything except change the trash! (Grows suspicious) You're the *owner*, aren't you?
VOICE: Correct...I needed a front for my operations, and this low-class eatery provided
the perfect cover!
WAKKO: (Gasps) McDonald's...*evil*?!
PINKY: (Also gasps) Egad...who'd have *thought* such a thing?!
BRAIN: I'm not responding to *that* remark...
VOICE: I needed a front for my lucrative black-market business. I'm just beginning to
re-establish myself and such after *you* ruined me, Brain! Oh, I spent quite a long time
trying to track you down...you certainly seemed to have numerous aliases..."John
Brain"... "Mr. Brainzlowski"..."Brain Cheney"! But now that I've
found you, I can exact my revenge!
BILLIE: OK, I *know* I've heard that voice before...so, why don't you show yourself
DOT: Yeah...besides, this "Shadow-Ensconsed Villain" bit's gotten pretty
stale by now, sweetie...
VOICE: Very well...
(We see the villain fully step out from the shadows...his identity is revealed to be
none other than...)
MICE: (Gasping) The *LAUNCHER*?!? (Dum-dum-duuuummm....)
LAUNCHER: Yes, it is *I*, Brain...I was the one who attempted to assassinate your
friends on that trick-or-treat juncture, *and* the one who's been funneling money to
Harper's campaign via that infantile Stewie!
YAKKO: Aaaaaahhh, excuse my ignorance, but...who *are* you?!
PINKY: POIT! Oh, he's a *very* bad man...
DOT: Like we hadn't gathered that from seeing he has enough weaponry to blow Portugal
off the map a thousand times over...
LAUNCHER: Let me explain... about a dozen years ago, I had a thriving black market
(We see flashback ripples form, with the scene dissolving to a younger-looking
Launcher, going about his operations...)
LAUNCHER: (VO) I had a thriving munitions business...selling high-tech weaponry to
various "customers" and that sort of thing. It was *perfect*...I even sold a few
items to some guy named Faust...but *then*, as part of my partnership with this guy, I
attempted to sabotage a space shuttle launch...little knowing that of all people to show
up to *stop* it would be a younger version of *Superman*...and *these three*!
(We see a scene play out where a youthful Last Son of Krypton is being zapped by some
sort of ray, while Brain, Billie, and Pinky gaze on with shock)
LAUNCHER: (VO) Anyway, I hit that caped clod with a new piece of weaponry, but to no
avail...these three mice stopped me *and* my operation!* (* - a recap of the Final
Confrontatioin in "Brain's Mission For President Reagan") After which,
I spent quite a few years sitting in prison...until my convenient
self-"release". Then, I spent months trying to track down those rodents that put
me away...and rebuilding my operations! But now that I've found you, I can gain my
*revenge*! (The flashback ends, as we dissolve back to the present)
PINKY: POIT! Um...but why are you giving money to that bad baby?
LAUNCHER: I intended to ruin you by taking away your precious lab...but after awhile, I
was getting impatient with Harper's "efforts" at getting re-elected...how anyone
could possibly have trouble defeating a simpleton like, well...*him* (points at Axel) is
beyond me. (Axel utters a few explitives) At any rate, I got so impatient I planted that
little bomb back on Halloween...but of course, that accursed superhero showed up!
BILLIE: "Accursed superhero"? There's a line one doesn't hear every
day...along with "caped clod"...
LAUNCHER: SILENCE! Of course, even if you hadn't stumbled upon my brilliantly-selected
AXEL: What brilliant hideout?! A fast food joint?! Without even tryin' to kill us off
since we were right *next door* the whole time?!
LAUNCHER: These things must be done with delicacy...plus, if I'd blown up your
headquarters, I'd have risked the cops coming to the restaurant next door for
"questioning"...don't want them to potentially suspect anything...
MRS. SMITH: Especially since you never bothered to tell us who you were! Working for a
boss I never even get to meet, and seein' he's one of those
Shadow...Hidden...Whatevers...for shame, mister!
DOT: Yeah...especially since now that we know you're probably just another
run-of-the-mill villain, we'll have to anvil you now in yet another oh-so-exciting Final
YAKKO: No offense...that's just what we do.
LAUNCHER: Not likely...besides, even if you do resort to that drama-lacking battle
tactic, I've already arranged to have the ballot recount "tainted" by my
efforts! A few well-paid "volunteers" are ensuring that the recount doesn't go
too well in Foley's favor...and once that's done, Harper will win, that bill will be
passed...and your careers will *end*!
BRAIN: (Rolling his eyes) That is, if you didn't have to kill us...
LAUNCHER: You've seen too much of my operation, Brain...I can't have you tattling to
the police...besides, even if you did live to see another day, that bill's passage will so
discourage and dispirit you, you'd wish you *were* deceased, anyway...
AXEL: Buddy, need you forget that I *am* the police! And I'm gonna have to place you
LAUNCHER: Ha! Indeed...as if you could stop me... (whips out an odd-looking
bazooka-like weapon) OK, who wants to be the first to try out my new toy?
VOICE: *I* would!
(They all turn around, and find standing there is none other than Superman
himself...dramatic trumpet fanfare music plays)
SUPERMAN: Been a long time, Launcher...
BRAIN: *SUPERMAN*?! What're you doing here?!
PINKY: Especially since you already *had* a cameo? (Brain clasps Pinky's mouth shut,
but Billie sternly stares at him, making him let go)
SUPERMAN: Well, doing Clark Kent a favor, I yanked up from his apartment balcony a
massive number of "Axel Foley 2000" campaign signs he found stuck there, causing
him to lose a fair chunk of his rental deposit... (sternly looks at the Warners, who all
grin broadly) At any rate, when returning them to here, my super-hearing detected some
noise eminating from next door that sounded a lot like three rambunctious, dog-like
children. Thinking it was their harassing someone with spatial-distortion gags for the
umpteenth time, I came here to put a stop to it, but found the upstairs empty. So, using
super-vision, I saw you were all down here, and---
LAUNCHER: ...and made your *mistake*, Man of Steel! (Presses a button on a remote) Now,
prepare to *perish*!
SUPERMAN: Not *likely*... (Dashes over, but finds himself moving sluggishly, at a human
pace) *Great Scott*...what's going on?!
BILLIE: Yeah...for some reason, everything seems to have taken on a reddish tint to
it...(gasps in realization) A TRAP!
BRAIN: (Realizing) A *red sun* trap, particularly...
LAUNCHER: Indeed...by altering the lighting in this room to generate red sun radiation,
I've managed to negate the Kryptonian's powers!
BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow) "Red sun radiation"? That sounds *most*
BILLIE: Eh, sure it is, Eggy....
LAUNCHER: *Agreed*, most scientific, Brain... (Sounding more eager) Actually, I
considered using artificial gravity generators to simulate Krypton-level gravity and just
cancel out most of Supermans strength, but it seemed pointless and all, and the red
sun generators did the job way more effectiv---
DOT: Save it, Launcher baby...we already got the point. No need to overexplain it...
(Launcher's about to say something else, but Dot holds up her hand) Talk to the hand,
'cause I ain't listenin'... (to us) Picked that up from "Histeria"...
WAKKO: Wow... "Histeria" really *is* educational!
YAKKO: *And* informative!
PINKY: It's *E/I*! NARF!
LAUNCHER: Well, get *this* piece of info, little lady...I plan on laying waste to *all*
of you! (Aims his bazooka at the group) Any last requests?
YAKKO: A story starring just me and the Rockettes? (Wiggles his eyebrows)
DOT: Mel Gibson?
BILLIE: A tale telling my life story to date?
PINKY: Seeing more of my favorite gags in the *next* story? POIT! HAHAHA!
WAKKO: Some of those Happy Meal toys you haven't released yet?
AXEL: Seein' my election day be over with *on* Election Day itself?!
SUPERMAN: Er...my powers?
BRAIN: (Glancing at a globe sitting on a desk) Did you need to *ask*?
LAUNCHER: Enough with your irreverent humor! (Aims his gun) Oh, well...time to die.
DOT: Wait! What're we gulping for? We've got *anvils* on our side! C'mon, bros, it's
LAUNCHER: (Shakes his head and sighs) No dramatic tension, I tell you...
(We see Dot and her sibs pull on ropes that've appeared from out of nowhere next to
them...however, they're surprised to see that nothing's happening)
DOT: What the heck?!
YAKKO: (With an eyebrow raised) Wakko, you didn't pay our monthly anvil shipment bill,
WAKKO: (Nods his head "no", while pouting)
DOT: Well, don't let it happen again, OK? Guess we'll have to find some other amusing,
zany way of defeating a villain named after a piece of Macintosh system software...
LAUNCHER: Not likely, sister... (aims his weapon and fires, but we see all the heroes
scatter at the last minute...the Launcher gets upset, and proceeds to give chase to
several of the characters, namely the lab mice...)
PINKY: Brain! What're we gonna do?! (Jumps as the Launcher's bazooka fires a few inches
short of him)
BRAIN: Don't worry...um...I've got an idea!
BILLIE: Really? So do *I*!
BRAIN: Well, in this case, maybe we *both* should execute our ideas...(the mice split
up, with Pinky following Brain and Billie scurrying over to a control panel. The Launcher
follows the two boys....)
LAUNCHER: OK, Brain...time to *die*!
BRAIN: I severely doubt *that*. (Stands in front of a control panel button)
LAUNCHER: Of course not, Brain, of course not... (fires at Brain, who dodges it at the
last minute...his blast decimates the control panel, which happens to be the one which was
emulating the red sunlight...we soon see a red-and-blue blur whiz over to the Launcher,
and tie him up.)
SUPERMAN: Next stop is *jail*, Launcher...
LAUNCHER: Ha! You may have stopped *me*, but not the tainted ballot recount! Already,
my agents have seen to it that Harper will win this election! We shall still *win*!
DOT: (Glancing over to the phone) I sincerely doubt *that*... (jerks her thumb at the
phone, where we see Billie's speaking into it in a breath-controlled voice)
BILLIE: Yes, that's right...you *must* stop what you're doing...we're on to you. And if
you don't believe it, ask my, er...superiors at the FBI! (Sounds of the agents panicking)
That's a good evil agent, then. OK? Just put those ballots back, and we *might* be willing
to forget this whole thing happened...good! Goodbye. (Hangs up) That takes care of *those*
guys...(hops down to the floor and races over to the rest of the gang)
LAUNCHER: BLAST IT! If I ever get out of jail, you'll *all* pay for this!
MRS. SMITH: Pay? That reminds me... (walks over and smacks the Launcher in his face)
You big cheapskate! You promised you'd fix this dump of a restaurant up sometime...or at
least, what those "anonymous" memos on the bulletin board said. Now, I guess
PINKY: Well...you know what they say, POIT! Crime never pays...
(All laugh in a "end-of-a-Scooby-Doo-episode" fashion, except for the
still-irate Launcher and Brain....)
BRAIN: I don't get it.
BILLIE: (Between giggles) I didn't expect you to, Eggy... (looks around) say, where'd
the Warners go?
YAKKO: I'm here...
DOT: I'm here...
WAKKO: I'm...over here!
(We pan over to see that Wakko is standing near a box labelled "November
Surprise"...he's sorting through various high-tech gadgets inside )
WAKKO: Whoa...all these neat toys! Must be for the next "Transformers" Happy
LAUNCHER: No, you *fool*! Put that down!
WAKKO: (Pulls a pin out of something resembling a grenade) Feh...this one's defective.
(Throws it back)
LAUNCHER: NO! That's a new grade of explosive! With that and the other weaponry in this
room, you'll blow us all sky-high!
WAKKO: Uh...really? Oooh.... (Tries putting the pin back, but it won't fit...)
SUPERMAN: Better get out of here, *fast*... everyone, grab on!
(We see the Man of Steel hoist the Launcher under one arm, and the sibs, mice, Mrs.
Smith, and the rest of the McDonald's staff cling to some part of Superman's
body...we soon see all of them zip out of the McDonald's restaurant, and land
outside in the parking lot---just seconds before the restaurant explodes in a fiery blast.
When the smoke clears, we see that there's nothing left of the restaurant but a large
crater, rubble, and a few flames...we hear that "Simpsons" dramatic bell-chiming
BRAIN: (Frowning) Hmph...a fitting end for its kind!
BILLIE: You mean to the Launcher's evil plan?
BRAIN: (Flatly) I was referring to this low-grade *eatery*.
(Pan over to see Wakko and Pinky are sobbing over this "tragic loss"...)
PINKY: (Stops sobbing) YOU *MANIAC*! YOU *BLEW IT UP*! DARN YOU...DARN YOU ALL TO
*HECK*! (Goes back to sobbing)
WAKKO: (Stops sobbing) Uh...I'm really, really sorry?
PINKY: (Stops sobbing) Really? Uh...OK, then, POIT!
SUPERMAN: Better take our "friend" back to prison...well, good luck with the
(The Man of Tomorrow picks up the Launcher, and flies him off, waving goodbye to the
AXEL: (Whips out his cell phone) Better call the P.D....
YAKKO: Well, sibs, we've stopped a Shadow-Ensconsed Villain, blew up yet another
geographic location, and helped Axel with his election...all in all, a perfect story...
DOT: No way...we still don't know who's won!
BILLIE: True...and without the Launcher's agents runnin' interference, they might
finish with the recount soon!
PINKY: Oooh, I'll go turn on the TV! NARF! (Runs back to the
left-unscathed-by-the-explosion campaign HQ, with the others following...we see various
cop cars and fire engines pull up outside the remains of the M*ckey D's...cut from Detroit
to Rhode Island, where we see, in his lair, that Stewie's watching coverage of this
McD's-exploding-incident on the news...)
STEWIE: (Irate) (BLEEP) IT ALL TO A THOUSAND BLOOD-SUCKING (BLEEP)! Ooooh, I *knew*
that doing all this work in *secret* was a *mistake*! Next time, I'll have to make a more
concerted effort at striking back...one that involves working with a bit more
*openness*...or at least not making it only a part-time effort! I---(hears his watch
beeping; he checks it) Oh, blast...I'm missing "Fraiser"! (glares at a photo of
Brain) I shall get you *someday*, Brain...you shall not last, mark my words... (sees
"Fraiser" on TV) (Laughs) Oh, that's *too* funny... a rabbi, a priest, and
Nietzsche... (turns his attention towards "Fraiser", pulling into the shot a
bowl of popcorn)
(Cut to Axel's HQ, where Axel, the sibs, the mice, and the
now-ex-McDonald's-staff are gathered, watching the returns...)
ANCHORMAN: ...is the winner of the presidential election. No, wait...the *other guy*
is...no, wait---we were right the first time...er, uh...
DOT: Ick... (flips to another station)
ANCHORWOMAN: ...and in Michigan, the results are finally in for the ballot recount!
Despite various volunteers quitting over "personal reasons"...
ANCHORWOMAN: ...the results are *in*! With 100% of precients reporting, the winner of
this election is...
(The entire staff lean towards the TV set with interest)
ANCHORWOMAN: (Reads a piece of paper, a la an awards show; her face is one of a look of
shock) Dear *Lord*...it...it can't *be*...ladies and gentlemen, in all my years of
television reporting, this is more shocking than the Lewinsky trial, the Iran-Contra
affair, *and* Pokemon combined...(to someone off-camera) *No*, I'm not exaggerating!
Michigan's new House representative, by a 300 vote margin, is (muttering feebly) ...*axel
foley*... (Normal tone) There, I said it...(grips the side of her head) I need aspirin...
(Cut to the staff HQ; all look jubilant...or for Brain's case, decidedly-less-stoic...)
WARNERS: YAAAY! (begin dancing) We won-we won-we won-we won-we...
BRAIN: Y-E-E-S! All my hard work has paid off! Our lab will be *secured* once more!
BILLIE: Axel...*won*?! Boy, *there's* a shock...
AXEL: WOO-HOO! I WON! YEAH! (To a picture of Mike Harper with darts stuck in it) In
your *face*, Harper! YEAH! The main man's in Da House!
(We see various journalists enter the facility, and begin swarming the Cursing One...)
REPORTER: Sir, how does it feel to have garnered this slim victory over your opponent
over Mike Harper?
AXEL: How do ya think it feels? (Bleep)in' *GREAT*!
REPORTER #2: What of the vote recount? Did you really think it was completely fair?
AXEL: Of *course* it was fair! I won, didnt I?
REPORTER #3: Sir, there were several thousand people who thought that they were voting
for a ballot initiative for foley *sound artists*, or wheel axles for Detroit auto
factories...what do you say about their protests over this outcome?
AXEL: I say...get stronger glasses...next question...
BILLIE: (Moans at this) I think Axel's gonna need some strong spin doctors...
REPORTER: Who are you hiring for your campaign staff?
AXEL: I...haven't determined that yet. (The Warners frown) That's all the questions for
now...I'd like to congratulate my opponent for runnin' a tough race...(thinking)
*NOT*...(speaking) ...and I hope he finds work doin' something worthwhile...like
practicing law, or selling used cars, or something honorable like that. Good night! (The
reporters flash a few more photographs and try moving closer, but Mrs. Smith backs them
MRS. SMITH: The *man* said this interview's *over*! Now go home to your families, all
(The reporters all exit, with one muttering "I don't *have* a family...". The
Warners approach the Bleepmeister...)
DOT: Hey, Axel, sweetie...um, you *were* planning to hire *us*, right? Remember? The
amusing kiddies who've been looking for work since the original "Warner
AXEL: Well...er...look, kids. I was plannin' on hirin' you, but after what happened to
that McDonald's next door, Mrs. Smith and these folks are all out of work! So, I was
considerin' seein' if they'd like to work for me as my D.C. staff...they need the work
more than you do, anyway!
WAKKO: But we worked so *hard* for this campaign...it's not *fair*!
DOT: Yeah...plus, that leaves us still unemployed...no show to work on or
*anything*...just giving Plotz one more potential excuse to have us locked up in the water
tower until Bette Midler has a successful sitcom...
(The sibs begin sobbing)
AXEL: Aw...don't do *that*! Stop it, please!
MRS. SMITH: Axel, we'd *love* to work for you in D.C....but not if it means leaving
these three out of work completely! Isn't there *something* you can give these three poor
little kids to do so they won't be locked away?
AXEL: (Sighs) I suppose I *could* see what I can do...
(The sibs stop crying)
DOT: You *will*?
WAKKO: Aw...thanks, Mr. Potty Mouth Man!
(All three plant a big comedic kiss on Axel, causing him to curse annoyedly...he then
turns his attention towards the former fast food workers) So, are you all in? Willin' to
go to D.C., and help make this country a better place? (They all cheer) OK, then!
YAKKO: So, Axel...what are we gonna get to do? Spin doctoring? (Wakko pulls into the
shot George Clooney in medical gear, slams him on a turntable, and spins him around...Dot
merely drools over the handsome former "E.R." star)
AXEL: Uh...I was thinkin' of something else...don't worry, it'll be important...and
keep you (bleep)s from bein' locked away, I guess.
BRAIN: I gather you don't have any function for the three of us, so I believe we'd best
be on our way back to the lab...blast! If we *were* working for Axel, we could've used his
influence and "in-your-face" verbal tactics to take over *Congress*, and then
BILLIE: Eggy, I don't think Axel would want you to take advantage of him like
that...besides, I'm sure he's grateful that you've helped him win! Plus, we've defeated
Harper, that Launcher guy, *and* that little brat Stewie! *And*, our lab's safe! Isn't all
that enough? (Brain glares at Billie) (Rolling her eyes) With you, I suppose
not...well...um...think of it this way: all of these manipulative, cynical political
tactics we've used might give you a few ideas for *tomorrow night*!
PINKY: Why, what're we gonna do *tomorrow night*? (Gasps) Try out for "Survivor
BRAIN: *No*, the same thing we do every night---TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
(The mice bid the rest of the group farewell, and walk out of the facility...we hear
the closing "they're dinky" PatB theme play...)
ANNOUNCER: And that's the end...the fates of our cast of characters is as follows:
AXEL FOLEY is preparing to move to D.C. with MRS. SMITH and the other FORMER FAST FOOD
WORKERS to set up shop...Axel plans on dividing his time between carefully considering
legislation affecting the course of our nation, and plotting his role in "Nutty
Professor III: The Vulgarity Continues". MRS. SMITH plans to keep an eye on the
Cursing One's short temper and even shorter vocabulary levels.
THE WARNERS have been given part-time jobs with Axel as "Assistant Junior
Executives In Charge of Paper Stamping", whose jobs are to stamp various papers and
generally stay out of Axel and everyone else's way. Axel briefly "consoled" the
sibs on their restaurant bills at a Washington, DC branch of a certain
THE LAB MICE returned to New York's ACME Labs to try to take over the world in another
story. Billie managed to score a "Newsbleak" essay on her experience covering
STEWIE GRIFFIN plots to seek revenge against the Brain in the future, and also hopes to
get front-row tickets to the next "Rugrats" movie.
THE LAUNCHER is back in prison, seething with rage at the rodent who's cost him his
lucrative black-market business for the *second* time. His rage isn't eased any by the
prison forcing him to, in lieu of license-plate-making, bottle jelly beans...
THE MAN OF TOMORROW returned to Metropolis, still refuisng to endorse any political
As for MIKE HARPER:
(Cut to an office in suburban Detroit...we see Mike Harper sitting at a desk, looking
MIKE HARPER: It wasn't supposed to *be* this way at all! *HOW* could I have *LOST*?! I
had it all---money...power...influence...Shadow-Ensconsed Villains...(Sobs) And now, here
I am, forced into *retirement* from politics...(sighs) I can only hope that this proves to
be a suitable alternative for someone with political experience...
(Pull back to see that his office is located in the law firm of "Skinflint,
Fleecem, and Miser"...dramatic music plays...)
(Cut to Axel's new office in Washington, D.C., where we see his name's been painted on
the door...fade to an interior office backroom, where we see the Warners are busy tearing
about the room, snapping rubber bands at each other and stamping all over the walls,
etc...Axel comes in, but gets snapped in the face by a rubber band.)
AXEL: (BLEEP)! (Rubs his nose) Stop this, ya crazy (bleep)s!
YAKKO: But were having a good old-fashioned, Florida-style political fight!
(Grabs some oranges and hurls them at Axel, who narrowly ducks)
AXEL: Well, stop it at once! We dont have time for this (bleep)!
WAKKO: Awww...we were having so much *fun*! (Sees Dot pick up a ballot,and flings a
rubber band at it)
DOT: *WAKKO*! How *dare* you knock over a pregnant chad like that! Especially with its
husband having enough medical bills for the three kids it already has?!
AXEL: Yeah, yeah...uh, say, you kids want to help your ol' pal Axel with something
AXEL: After that incident with that Burrows (bleep) in D.C. awhile back, some
scientists and defense experts want to know tips on how to stop crazed psychopaths against
cartoon characters...I figured you might be able to help 'em or somethin'...
YAKKO: No problem! For duty, honor...uh...and any military babes that may be there!
WARNERS: HELLOOOO, ARMY NURSE! (they barrel out of the room; Axel looks at the room's
condition, and sighs)
MRS. SMITH: (Comes along, and glances at the interior) Good *Lord*, I haven't seen
anyplace look like this since the Big One!
AXEL: World War Two?
MRS. SMITH: No, that big lunch rush we had last weekend at my old job...stupid
(Cut to ACME Labs, where we see Brain's hard at work on his next plan...he glances over
at Billie, who's reading a framed piece of paper)
BRAIN: Must you keep obsessing over that? I mean, it's a wonder you were even
*nominated*...let alone *won*.
BILLIE: Aw, c'mon, Eggy...it's not every day you win a top literary prize! Besides, the
judges said that anyone who could tolerate working for months for Axel Foley *deserves*
some sort of recognition...
BRAIN: (Flatly) *Very well, then*... (in the direction of Pinky, who's still making
sobbing noises) Pinky, snap out of it! It's hard enough to work, without hearing you
snivel over the loss of that stomach-churning fast food establishment! (Pan over to see
that a mournful Pinkys hung a picture of the McDonalds ruins on the wall
of the cage...)
PINKY: (Sobbing) I'm sorry, Brain, but it's just so sad...I mean, it was such a great
restaurant...the toys...the minimum-wage-earning coworkers that never smiled for some
reason...the yummy burgers that tasted like cardboard...*TROZ*! Oh, why did it have to be
blown up?! Why? WHY?! (Continues sobbing) May it live on in our memories...and this piece
of rock I saved from the restaurant, POIT! (Holds up a small piece of the former
BILLIE: Aw, there there, Pinks...if it makes you feel any better, we could go to some
*other* McDonald's...there must've been over a hundred or two scattered around
Detroit *alone*---let alone here in New York!
PINKY: (Completely stops sobbing) Really? Well, I suppose so, Billie...
BILLIE: Come on... (the two mice walk towards the door) Say, want to hear me re-read my
award-winning book again?
PINKY: Uh...I guess.
BILLIE: (Reading from a mouse-sized version of said book) "Foley: The Short But
Obnoxious Political Life of an Apocalyptic Harbinger"...
PINKY: Oooh, nice title! NARF!
(Cut away from this, to one last scene: the rubble of the McDonald's that was
blown to bits earlier on...we see the building next door that was once Axel's campaign
staff is now boarded up, with a "FOR LEASE" sign over it...we hear dramatic
music play, as we see someone sifting through the ruins, before screaming)
MAN: Aaaack! I can't believe it's all gone! How could this happen?! I mean, I show up
for work the day after my day off, and find the whole place reduced to *rubble*?! Sure, I
would've been a few hours *late*, but hey, that happens...besides, I was on the verge of
getting that 10 cents an hour *raise* I'd been wanting! I had a good thing going, and
those puppy-kids *ruined* it! Oooh, they're going to *pay*! (Pauses) Wait...wouldn't that
be a *mistake* following the same ill-fated path that others like me, ticked off at those
guys, have followed? Should I *really* follow along the same path as such
"great" villains as Dudley Puppy, Dr. Burrows, Mikey and Sheryl, Moe the
Bartender, and Stewie Griffin? (Thinks for a moment, then shrugs) Eh, why not? Maybe
Ill get a cameo at some point in the future...
(Tries to laugh maniacally as the music builds to a dramatic climax, but doesn't
succeed, and begins to hack and cough...fade out to...)
Yakko/Pinky/Mike Harper: Rob Paulsen
Wakko: Jess Harnell
Dot/Billie/Female Anchormen: Tress MacNeille
Axel Foley: Eddie Murphy
Brain/Male Anchormen: Maurice LaMarche
Stewie Griffin: Seth McFarlane
The Launcher: Jim Cummings
Superman: Tim Daly
Mrs. Smith: Marla Gibbs
Mikey: Andrew "Dice" Clay
Sheryl: Marisa Tomei
2000-2001 Cast of SNL: Have nothing better to do than appear our frivolous little fanfics,
Steve Austin: Himself
Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Pinky, Billie, Brain, Mr. Sultana Sultana, ACME Labs, Plotz,
"Animaniacs", "Pinky and the Brain", "Histeria" and related
indica © 2000 Warner Bros., used without permission.
Axel Foley, "Beverly Hills Cop" © Paramount Studios, used without
"The Distinguished Gentleman" © ???, used without permission.
McDonald's and related elements © McDonald's Corporation, used without permission.
"Pokemon" © Nintendo, Inc., used without permission.
Superman, Krypton, Metropolis, and related elements © DC Comics, used without
Superman created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.
The Launcher, Mrs. Smith, Melissa Lamsen created by Brainatra.
Mikey, Sheryl created by Capt. Caps.
Dr. Gene Burrows created by Robert.
"Think" by Aretha Franklin.
"Don't Rock the Boat" by the Hues Corporation.
Guess who the writer voted for:
A. George W. Bush
B. Al Gore
C. Ralph Nader
D. Independent candidate John Brain
Whatever Happened To...
How Many Hate E-mails the Writers Gotten Over the Political Shots Taken In This