| Mr. Foley Goes to Washington
by: Brainatra
--- (Open on the state of Michigan, specifically the state capital, Lansing. A date at the bottom of the screen reads "October 2000". We see various signs posted around town reading "Axel In Da House (of Representatives)!", with half of them plastered over with posters pushing "Pokemon", and graffiti over the other half...we then cut to a news reporter standing on a streetcorner next to a poster...) NEWSANCHOR: ...and in the latest polls, we find that Detroit police detective and independent candidate Axel Foley's political hopes look dismal, indeed...out of a survey of 500 indecisive and apathetic Michigan residents and a margin of error of 1%, an overwhelming 88% favor Mr. Foley's main opponent, Mike Harper, 10% indecisive, while Mr. Foley brings in only 2%...a most unfortunate fate for Mr. Foley, indeed. Various oh-so-important pundits that are really well paid insist that Mr. Foley put aside his foolish hopes, and go back to making Jerry Lewis movie remakes. But Axel Foley still holds out hope that his promises of wiring our nation's schools with Verminator hall monitors/cafeteria workers will pay off with the indecisive voters...will this promise ultimately ring true with the voters, or will Mr. Foley spend his post-Election-Day plotting another "Nutty Professor" sequel? (We see the image of the newsanchor click off, and pan over to see that it was on a TV screen inside of an office covered with Harper posters...we see seated at a desk is Mike Harper himself, a balding, thin man with glasses. He eyes the set gleefully.) MIKE: (Chuckling) Oh, Foley...I am going to be *so* pleased when I win the election in a few weeks...and once elected, you *and* your zany friends are going to be *so* surprised when you see what I plan to do! (Laughs maniacally, as we fade away to the Axel Foley campaign staff, watching the report on TV...the headquarters is located inside of a rundown looking strip mall somewhere in Detroit. The Warners and Axel eye the set with disapproval...) YAKKO: How dare they say that about Axel? Why, he has as much chance of winning as the *next* independent, non-party-belonging potty-mouthed guy! AXEL: Yeah! (Pauses) HEY! Cut it out, ya crazy (bleep)...we've gotta figure out how to get my (bleep)in' campaign back in order! (Sighs) So, how much money do we have left? We *could* buy some more ad time, I guess. DOT: Lessee...(looks at a clipboard) Uh...we have...the exact advertising budget the studio gave us for "Wakko's Wish". AXEL: (Slaps his forehead) *(BLEEP)*! That's it, then! We're *done for*!! That Harper guy's gonna get elected...(Sits down, and glares at the floor) What'm I gonna do? WAKKO: Uh...oooh, ooh! I *know*! We could go to--- AXEL: Oh, just *go*, already...you hungry (bleep) has been to that dumb restaurant next door a zillion (bleep)in' times! WAKKO: But I haven't collected all 57 Happy Meal toys they're releasing this week! AXEL: I *knew* there was a reason you (bleep)s wanted to set up shop *here*...but at least it was *cheap*, I suppose. DOT: (Pointing at the TV) Hey, guys, *look*! (The image on the set displays Mike Harper, as he's surrounded by reporters) MIKE: ...yes, that's right. Once I'm elected, I shall push *this* piece of legislation through Congress...the "Defense Against Toons" act! (Holds up a piece of paper) REPORTER: The "Defense Against Toons" act? What does this cover? MIKE: As you know, in recent months, a spate of chaos has disrupted our fair nation! In Washington, D.C., some mad scientist nearly took over our nation's capital (* - as seen in "Another 24 Hours")...and several months later, some hyperintelligent *infant* took over Chicago! (* - in "Warner Academy 2") Along with various other incidents I could cite a mile long...almost all of them instigated by... the *Warners*! (Holds up a picture of the sibs) When this law passes, these three menaces to society shall be permanently barred from performing *any* of their usual cartoon chicanery! If it weren't for these three, our nation would never have been subjected to such disruptiveness as a string of McDonald's™ employees being harassed by their antics, including their wretchedly repetitive "two places at once" schtick! (Cut to the sibs, who all look shocked by this) DOT: He *can't* be *serious*? WAKKO: (Sniff) No more "two places at once"? AXEL: Whoa...this guy doesn't (bleep)in' play around! REPORTER: I see, sir...and what of your *other* proposed legislation to slash all of these rather specific areas of government funding to research? MIKE: That? Well, what can I say? Government *must* be made smaller...and I'm sure research into particle accelerators, chemistry, and so forth can be funded through *other* resources... REPORTER #2: And at the same time, these tightened regulation proposals on both the environment *and* radio and television broadcasting? MIKE: The environment's an important issue...as are our nation's airwaves. Now if you'll excuse me, I must be going... (Mike Harper leaves, with various reporters following him...cut to the sibs, who all look distressed) DOT: *This* guy has a 88% popularity rate...if he wins, I'll never be able to make ropes appear next to me from nowhere and drop stuff on people! AXEL: No kiddin'...and I wonder what he meant by that "cutting funding" bit... (Suddenly, they hear a knock on the door...opening the door, Axel finds standing there is none other than the Brain, with Billie and Pinky in tow) BRAIN: Mr. Foley...I believe we have things to discuss. AXEL: (Bleep)! (Cut to the inside awhile later...) BRAIN: As you know, Mr. Harper, if elected, plans to cut funding to various aspects of research. However, what he failed to mention is that if passed, his legislation will have devastating effects on our lab, and with it, my goal of taking over the world! A discovery that was made by Pinky while surfing through the Web and stumbling on Mike Harper's website... PINKY: Oh, yes sir! I was trying to find the Pokemon homepage, and came on his instead...what an incredible contrivance! *NARF*! BRAIN: (Looks at Pinky annoyedly) *Ahem*...anyway, with this legislation passed, the lab will *close*... AXEL: Well, so? You (bleep)s can always go to some *other* ACME Lab branch like you have in the past...what about L.A.’s? DOT: And besides, I thought your lab branch was privately owned by the three of you... BILLIE: Well, that's the thing...the specific environmental and broadcasting regulations Harper proposes would make it *impossible* for us to do anything! Apparently, buried within the bill's subsections and written in legalese, is a clause that would make it illegal to operate a small-sized research laboratory within 500 feet of a bridge or residential dwelling. Given the size of the lab and our location, there's no way we could keep it operating... WAKKO: Uh...how about trying to move the lab? (Axel rolls his eyes at the suggestion) Well, that's what they did on "The Simpsons"! Remember that "Trash of the Titans" episode? DOT: I'm trying *not* to... BILLIE: I already thought of using that stupid episode's idea, but the lab's structural integrity wouldn't hold up under such a move... BRAIN: Indeed...I also doubt that Mr. Sultana Sultana wishes to relocate, *nor* the city of New York to move the suspension bridge that runs behind the lab. Thus, our cause for concern over Harper's efforts if he's elected. If we don't do something and that bill passes, my world-domination efforts will be severely crimped. BILLIE: Yeah...something's up, and we aim to find out *what*...I didn't help rebuild a new lab just for some suspiciously specifically-targeted piece of legislation to take it all away! DOT: Well, why did you come *here*, then? How are *we* supposed to help? BRAIN: Without the lab, my world-domination efforts will be severely handicapped...and relative to *your* "interests", you won't be able to perform any cartoon chicanery. So, I am here to help in our mutual interests... WAKKO: How? BRAIN: (Dramatic music builds up) It appears that if I wish to save the lab *and* your own cartoon interests, there's only one thing we can do...without any doubt, without *any* setbacks, with only a mere two weeks until Election Day...Axel Foley *must* *WIN*! And my strategic planning *will* make this happen! (The music builds to a crescendo, as we see the shocked looking sibs, Billie, and Pinky stare at Axel Foley...Axel looks shocked as well, but then begins laughing his usual staccato laugh...) AXEL: Yeah...*YEAH*! I'm gonna win this (bleep)in' thing! (Gets up) That Harper guy won't know what hit 'em! (Begins laughing, as the sibs look disturbed) YAKKO: (Whimpering) We're *toast*. (The music builds to a dramatic climax, as we fade to Harper's office...we see that Harper's speaking with some figure over the phone...) MIKE: Thank you for your support...I couldn't do this without you! VOICE: Indeed...and if you *wish* to succeed, you shall do *whatever* I say! Don't forget who's funding your efforts! MIKE: I know, I know...anyway, I'll call you back. I've got a rally to stage. So long. (Hangs up) (We cut to who's on the other end of the line...the figure slamming down the phone looks very familiar...small...*juvenile*...pan over to see that it's none other than...) STEWIE GRIFFIN: Ah, yes, those zany cretins thought they *defeated* me with that insipid Final Confrontation™ and expected me to just *disappear* like all those other villains...well, they thought *WRONG*! Thanks to my creative "fund raising" means, I shall be able to funnel enough money into Mr. Harper's election to shut both those lab rats and inkblots down *permanently*! Allowing me unimpeded access to conquering all of *humanity*... (Laughs maniacally) Oh, Stewie, you've *truly* outdone yourself *this* time! This plan's so *evil*, I could just *die*...laughing! (Laughs maniacally some more, as dramatic music plays...we see that Stewie's inside of some sort of bunker, with various equipment, computers, etc. everywhere...a zoom-out reveals that the bunker's located deep below the ground in the Griffin family backyard in Rhode Island...) (Cut to commercials promoting "Erin Brokovich" on video, with Julia Roberts, dressed like she’s planning to hit the bars, cursing a blue streak that’d shock Axel Foley. Then, cut back to the "action".) (Open on Axel's campaign headquarters, where inside, we see the staff are all gathered around Brain, who's standing with a clipboard. We see all are wearing straw hats with buttons reading "Axel 2000".) BRAIN: I've succeeded in making a list of requirements for a political candidate for public office in the year 2000...everything here, if executed successfully, should ensure our success for getting Axel elected! PINKY: Um, Brain? Couldn't we just fight that bill-thingy without getting Axel elected? BRAIN: Mr. Harper is an incumbent, two-term representative, and a quite powerful one at that. He has enough friends in Congress to ensure that that legislative flotsam could get passed. BILLIE: Couldn't the president veto it? BRAIN: President Clinton is unlikely to veto the bill after the series of violent events of all those villains we've faced...the public will perceive this bill's passage as being (makes fingers into quote marks) "tough on crime". The same goes for whoever succeeds Mr. Clinton in the Oval Office. WAKKO: Uh...does this include Ralph Nader? BRAIN: Let's be *realistic*, please... WAKKO: Aww...(yanks out his wacky sack, which is covered with Nader stickers) DOT: Your'e a Nader fan, Wakko? WAKKO: Nah...he makes the *best* tasting bumper stickers! (Yanks from the bag a huge wad of them, sticks them in his mouth, and swallows them whole) Yum...minty! AXEL: Feh...*Nader*. I thought you said my stickers weren't so bad after I switched glue brands.... WAKKO: Well, yeah, but his stickers used naturally-flavored glue! AXEL: *Oh*... BRAIN: Enough of this nonsense! Now then, the first item on the list is the most crucial in the modern political world...*fund raising*! He with the most funds can exact a great influence on the political election process...and after examining your funding sources, I think I can increase your coffers immensely! YAKKO: But the Flat Earth Society was so *kind* to us... BRAIN: Be that as it may, if you wish to win, you must set your sights higher than such small-time misguided types...you must appease to the big power-players of the economy! Take advantage of any and *all* financial connections that may be available to us! PINKY: (Worried) Uh, Brain...you aren't going to the *tobacco* companies, are you? BRAIN: (Winces) Of course not! While other politicians might do so, we should never run our campaign with such low-lifes! We aren't playing *that* dirty... PINKY: Oh, good for you, Brain! BRAIN: Thank you, Pinky. Now then, along with fund raising, we also need to pander to various undecided or indecisive voters for the crucial 10% block that has yet to make up their minds...this should increase our base of influence, and aid us when we go after swiping at least 39% of Harper's supporters so that Axel can win by at least 51% of the vote. The following should be mentioned frequently: cutting taxes; improve health care; and improve public schools. Got it? *Nothing else*... DOT: Not even *crime*? WAKKO: Social Security? YAKKO: Civil rights issues? AXEL: Foreign affairs? BILLIE: The environment? PINKY: Savings bonds? POIT! BRAIN: *Please*...the three I mentioned are the guaranteed vote-grabbing issues! BILLIE: But all those other things we mentioned are pretty important, too... (the others nod) BRAIN: Maybe, but we're going to win here...and it won't happen with platitudes about series EE savings bonds. The voting electorate always go wild over promises of lower taxes, no matter *how* ill-considered such proposed cuts may be...even when those that promise them don't follow through once elected! WAKKO: (Gasps) You mean we should...*lie*?! PINKY: But we're in *politics*! Shouldn't we be *honest*?! BRAIN: (About to say something, but stops) This time, Pinky, I'm not going to respond to a "straight line" like that. Besides, I presume that Axel's conduct won't resemble the swindling of that "Distinguished Gentleman" movie of his...right? AXEL: Of course not! What do I look like, a (bleep)in' crook? (Sees the sibs trying to say something) Don’t answer that... BRAIN: Very well. Now then, along with such a narrow campaign focus, the following pandering catch phrases should be used, and used *often*: "lock box"..."information superhighway"..."read my lips"..."new morning in America"..."bridge to the 21st century"..."compassionate conservatism"..."reducing big government"..."new economy"... PINKY: And "give a hoot, don't pollute"! HAHAHA! (Brain's about to whap Pinky on the head, but sees Billie frowning, and stops in mid-fist-raising) BILLIE: *Thank you*... BRAIN: (Glaring at Pinky, who's finished laughing) You're *welcome*... now then, along with the voters, catch phrases, and money-raising to buy enough air time to rival the rollout of Windows 95, comes the last thing on the list: projecting a "family friendly" image to the voters! AXEL: What the (bleep)'s wrong with my (bleep)in' image?! DOT: Boy, if we answered *that*, Election Day'd be here and over with... AXEL: (Annoyed) WHAT?! Why you (bleep)in' (bleep)--- BRAIN: Hold it! (Axel stops his tirade) Now as I was saying...the voters of the state of Michigan will want a G-rated, family-friendly candidate that comes across as bland and inoffensive...as the candidacy of Al Gore prove, Americans care about one thing: *charisma*! BILLIE: Um, but he don't seem too charismatic to *me*, Eggy...I mean, Al Gore is as excitin' as day-old bread! That monotone voice...the stiff demeanor...the lack of any facial expressions... BRAIN: Surely you jest...*I* possesss all those qualities in *spades*, and I'm certainly as inspiring a future leader as they come! BILLIE: (Rolling her eyes) Uh...sure, Eggy. BRAIN: Also keep in mind that while you must appear charismatic, don’t appear *too* cerebral...the public time and again prefers someone who doesn’t project any airs of intellectual sophistication...wow them with pointless anecdotes about your family background... PINKY: Oooh, just like George W. Bush! I like that he doesn’t use all those big word-thingies that Al Gore does, NARF! BRAIN: Pinky, *please*...now then...as long as we're focusing on your image, you must learn to identify with your base of voters! AXEL: Sure do...just showed off that new Rolex I bought last week to some guys standin' next to a bus stop! They sure seemed annoyed when I told 'em I wasn't givin' 'em a lift in my new convertible to the Manpower office, though... BRAIN: (Slaps his hand over his face) This may be the hardest part of all... anyway, you must pour on your sense of patriotism and pride in your country and state! Identify with your working-class voters...appear as Norman Rockwell-esque as you can! AXEL: No (bleep)in' problem! I love baseball, apple pie, and (bleep)in' mom! BRAIN: Er...I'm afraid that's all well and good, but you'll have to do something about your, um, "language". AXEL: (Moans) Not about *that* again... BILLIE: Sorry, Axel...but it's gotta be kept in check...or toned down...at least until you're in office! PINKY: Oh, yes sir! Then you can say whatever you want about your fellow workers! NARF! BRAIN: Now let's see...we've covered public image, attracting voters, raising funds, the issues...I believe we're all set! (To the sibs) Warners, I want you to get to work on raising funds...while *we* shall manage Mr. Foley's public relations campaign and arrange for a *debate* with that Harper... AXEL: A *debate*?! BILLIE: Yeah...it'll give you the chance to point out the faults of Harper's plan, and improve your polling ratings! PINKY: Don't forget to wear the same colored tie as *he* does! *POIT*! BRAIN: And to give you a boost, we shall also be staging various rallies and speeches over the next few weeks...it's imperative that we improve your polls before Election Day! YAKKO: Raise funds? No problemo...come, sibs...let us be off...*forward*...MARCH! (the sibs proceed to walk out of the room on their hands, backwards...Brain sighs) BRAIN: Come, we have a rally to stage... (The mice and Axel exit the scene, but we pan over to see that hidden inside of a picture of Richard Pryor on the wall is a tiny camera...zipping across a shot of a map of the United States, we see it's sending a signal to Stewie's bunker in Rhode Island...we see the infant's watching this on a monitor converted from an old black and white TV set....) STEWIE: Blast my budgeting problems...I couldn't afford to divest any of the funds I've raised for Harper for improving my base of operations! Now then...to contact one of my sources fueling this effort, and arrange to send a few lobbyists to that rally of Mr. Foley's to disrupt things...(picks up the phone, and dials) Hello? "New York Daily Muckraker"? This is Mr. Griffin...about Mr. Harper's campaign, I'd like for you to arrange a reporter to be sent to Mr. Foley's rally to ask a few hard-hitting questions...yes, my partner will pay for all expenses...no, I can't show up...despite what should be better judgement, I've decided to pull the time-honored, working-behind-the-scenes "shadow ensconsed villains" bit for *this* occasion...besides, I have obligations here in Quahog that I must attend to concurrently... (glances at a calendar on the wall marked "Library Storytime, 1 PM")(Listens to response on the phone) Yes, I suppose the fact that I've managed to do all this in my *spare time* does make this plan even more evil than the *last* one, I suppose...(chuckles) Very well, you too...give my love to the gals in the prepress department...ta ta! (Hangs up, and gleefully laughs) Oh, Stewie, this time, you've truly outdone yourself...hopefully, my sources for raising these funds will show up soon... (Hears the phone ring, and answers) Hello? ...very good...it'll be here shortly? Thank you very much! (Cut to the other end of the line, where we see a mysterious figure speaking into the phone; the room he's in seems to be surrounded with posters for Harper's campaign, along with maps of the United States, lots of high-tech equipment, and various pieces of weaponry...) FIGURE: Don't worry...you'll get your funds. That Foley character will be sent packing before you know it. STEWIE: (In a split-screen effect) Good...and are you sure no one will be able to find out where the money's coming from? FIGURE: Of course not...my means ensure me that no one will know! My organization's quite effective, Mr. Griffin...and without the aid of any "ninja-thugs". STEWIE: Good...hopefully, this alliance shall prove to be more successful than that one with Murdoch* ... (* - in "Warner Academy 2" ---Brainatra, noting the inaneness of these notations) Even if my time constraints force me to not be directly involved, thus making me perform that tiresome "Shadow Ensconsed Villain" schtick... FIGURE: Of course...I've been doing such secretive, on-the-sly dealings for quite a few years. You'll get your money. STEWIE: Wonderful. Well, so long... (Hangs up) (Looks at a digital watch he's wearing) Oh, blast...time for my 11:45 assassination attempt upon "mommy dearest"... (Grabs a slingshot and a dart, and races out of the lair...dramatic music plays...) (Cut to locally run commercials with an annoying car dealer playing at top volume, followed by political attack ads by some yahoo accusing the governor of poisoning schoolchildren's candy...then cut back to the action...) (Fade in the next day, on a rally for Axel, being held at a Lansing, Michigan park...a crowd consisting of several hundred have shown up...we see the mice and Axel standing by the stage's steps...Axel's wearing a suit, while the mice are wearing dress clothes as well...) BRAIN: OK, Axel...your first big rally! Now, then.... PINKY: (Interrupting) Egad...uh, I didn't think anyone would show up! How... BRAIN: This group was recruited from patrons at the McDonald's™ next door to our headquarters...a better microcosm of voters couldn't be found elsewhere...*unfortunately*. They agreed to show up in exchange for coupons for free small sodas. Now then, you shall give your stump speech to this group of voters, and they will hopefully respond favorably to the pollsters! AXEL: No problem... PINKY: And watch your language, young man! NARF! AXEL: Yeah, yeah... (All four head up to the stage, as the crowd gives a few apathetic claps...Pinky runs over to a boom box, and starts up music, namely, the main theme from "Beverly Hills Cop") BRAIN: (Speaking into a microphone at the podium) Ladies and gentlemen of central Michigan...it gives me great pleasure to introduce myself, uh...Brain Cheney, head of Mr. Foley's campaign staff. These are my staff associates, er...noted Texas-dwelling, humourous pundit and newspaper columnist Billie Ivins, and, um, former presidential aide Pinky Stephanopolous...(sounds off-stage of Pinky trying to pronounce his "last name" and laughing mindlessly; we see Brain reach off-screen, and whap Pinky on the head) *Ahem*...and now, the man you’re all here to see, Michigan’s next U.S. House representative...Mr. *Axel Foley*! (Mild, polite clapping is heard, as Axel takes the podium...the mice move off to one side of the podium, to make room for Axel’s speech cards) AXEL: (Reading as if for the first time, stiltedly) Welcome...state of Michigan...denizens. I’m-glad-you-decided-to-show-up-today-I-could-barely-get-out-of-bed-myself-laugh-briefly-here... BRAIN: (Moans slightly) (Whispers to Axel) Just improvise... AXEL: (Shrugs, tosses the cards over his shoulder) OK, so if you (blee)---(Billie nudges Axel) --er, fine people have any questions, I’d be glad to answer ‘em. Taxes? Education? Health care? I’m your man! GUY IN AUDIENCE: Uh...about the environment...how do you plan on protecting our state’s natural resources? AXEL: (Recalling Brain’s suggestions re: anecdotes) You know, the environment’s a funny thing...as I told my great-aunt on Social Security who interacts with her nursing home environment daily, (pounds his fist on the podium) I plan to ensure that Social Security’s placed in a "lock box" and remain untouched by those yahoos in Congress! Put me in charge, and it *will* stay as healthy as a poor charter-school-attending student on Medicaid! GUY IN AUDIENCE: Um...but you didn’t answer my quest--- BRAIN: (Cutting him off, speaking into the microphone) Next question for Mr. Foley, please? ANOTHER GUY IN THE BACK: Yes, Mr. Foley...I’m from the "New York Daily Muckraker". In light of the rising tide of violence overseas, our troubled national debt, the slowdown of the economy, racial profiling, and the "Subway Series", how do you plan to get elected to solve these problems when you’re behind the more popular and better-dressed Mr. Harper in the polls? AXEL: (Smirking) Hmm...well, I’ll tell ya what. When I was a boy growin’ up in Detroit, we didn’t have much. No TV...no shoes...rocks and mud for dinner. And my daddy told me that the economy’s a...funny thing. Now, I’m sure you all know that those polls are nothing but fuzzy math...probably full of subliminable...sublime...subpar... (squints to read his note card’s poor handwriting, before growing annoyed and tossing the card over his shoulder and continuing)...er, hidden messages, designed to take the opinions away from the public opinion’s "lock box" and manipulate the parents of all those poor kids in public schools needin’ better health care options! Put me in charge, and I’ll put health care in a lock box to help keep people like little Jimmy in school...because it *is* cool, to stay in school. And get little Jimmy some badly-needed tax credits...so he can get health insurance. And not eat rocks and mud...like I did...growin’ up in Detroit, there...uh....and stuff. WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Gee...that barely sounded coherent. (Shrugs) But he has nice hair...and seems so...*charismatic* for some reason. Plus, he didn’t use any really big words. (Begins clapping, as do others in the audience; sounds of "poor little Jimmy" and "lock boxes...yeah, that’s the ticket" are heard) FOLEY: Thank you...now then, if there aren’t any more questions not bein’ fired off at me by the media, I’ll be on my way...remember, vote early, and vote *Foley*! Later, all! (Pinky cranks up the music from the boom box, as the audience applauds...) MUCKRAKER REPORTER: Hmph...(speaks into his cell phone) sir, looks like there’s nothing to stir up out here. Foley lives up to his cinematic tradtion---he’s as slick as they come. He managed to give such an impressive response, these yahoos bought every word! (Scratches his head) It even impressed *me*...though I wonder what he means by the "public opinion’s lock box"... (Back to the stage, Axel and the mice gloat over this response) AXEL: (Sees the reporter at the back of the crowd)(Whispers to Brain) Ugh...there’s that reporter from that trashy tabloid in New York...big ol’ (bleep)in’ (bleep)... BRAIN: (Flatly) *Indeed*... (shakes his head, as he sees that he’s agreeing with Foley...and more so, that the audience has stopped clapping...and even *moreso* that the microphone is still on, playing this comment to the whole audience, and the world at large) (To Pinky) *Pinky*, I thought you turned the microphone off... PINKY: Sorry, Brain...I was too busy trying to figure out what "fuzzy math" is...is it anything like fur-covered long division? BRAIN: (Sighs, as does Axel) BILLIE: Uh, we’ll discuss it later, Pinks...I think we’d better get goin’... (The foursome leave the rally, with various crowd people mumbling about "what a mouth" and "But he was so *wholesome* in ‘Dr. Doolittle’"...cut to the Muckraker reporter...) MUCKRAKER REPORTER: (Into his cell phone) Never mind what I said before, sir...looks like Foley and his staff provided their *own* rope to hang themselves with...heh, heh...(hangs up, and races off to write this up...dramatic music plays) (Cut to an "AOL-CNN-Time Warner-DC Comics-Joe’s Fix-It Shop of East Moline, Illinois" poll of 500 Michigan state voters, taken 5 seconds after the speech ended, showing that voters now favor Harper by "merely" 87%, with Axel’s numbers having risen to 3% as a result of the rally.) ANCHORMAN: ...and thanks to the spirited campaign rally where Mr. Foley has promised to *not* allow young males between the ages of 2 and 12 named "James" to eat only sedimentary material and mud for dinner, his polls have risen *dramatically*, from 2% to *3*% percent...however, in this soon-to-be-heavily-recycled soundbite from his rally earlier today, we find that Axel, shockingly enough, actually used...an *explitive*. (We see the clip of Axel’s cursing play) Will voters in Michigan be shocked enough by this outrageous use of foul language by the star of "Beverly Hills Cop"? Or will this send Mr. Foley’s skyrocketing poll ratings into the *toilet*?! The world....will soon find out. Stay tuned, and we’ll be back with more updates... (We go to commercials with breakfast cereal characters promoting election-themed-shaped marshmallows that vaguely resemble George W. Bush and Al Gore...then cut back to the "plot"...) (We open on the Warners, who’re storming out of the offices of Microsoft headquarters...they look quite upset.) VOICE FROM MAIN DOOR: GET OUT AND STAY OUT! YAKKO: (Pouting) All right, we’re goin’, we’re *goin’*! Hmph... DOT: (Pouting) Yeah...all we did was tell that nice Mr. Gates man that Axel promises to work closely with the Justice Department when he’s elected... WAKKO: (Pouting) And he didn’t have to yell when we said the words "anti trust"... YAKKO: (Pats his sibs on the back) Don’t worry, sibs, we’ll get Axel so much funding, he won’t even remember the *meaning* of the words "campaign finance reform"! DOT: Really? I’d just settle for him having a vocabulary not on par with "Def Comedy Jam" myself... YAKKO: Say, maybe Webster’s will give us some money! DOT: Yeah...we can say that Axel got "hooked on phonics"! (Holds up a tape of Axel’s "Raw" comedy routine) Think they’ll take this as "evidence" of his speech skills 15 years ago vs. today? YAKKO: You kiddin’? After 30 seconds, they’ll give us enough education-vote-gettin’ bucks to buy all those kids college educations! WAKKO: Faboo! Let’s go, then! DOT: Um...think we should be raising campaign funds *in* Michigan, guys, instead of out here in Seattle? YAKKO: Nah...besides, I’m sure Michigan’s voters won’t mind if all of this comes from another state! Aaaah, speakin’ of carryin’ it all back...got the carpetbag, Wakko? WAKKO: (Holding up a carpetbag with labels on it reading "Little Rock" and "New York City") Got it! That lady with the nice short hair didn’t seem to want to get rid of it, though... YAKKO: Great...let’s go! (The Warners race off down the street, singing "We’re off to see the Webster’s, the wonderful Webster with bucks..." We see them pass various people raising eyebrows at them, and run past a man wearing a bathrobe...the man whistles for the siblings, who move towards him...) DOT: Oooh...must be a fan. (Blinks at her brothers, who roll their eyes) MAN: Actually, you could say that. Come in, my bretheren. WAKKO: Hey, we’re not *your* bretheren! YAKKO: Yeah...we’re also not puppy-kids, in case that was your next guess. MAN: No, no, I mean...I’ve taken an interest in your campaign, and I’d love to donate some funds to your cause. DOT: Gee, you must be really charitable to just *give* money to whoever you see running past your building for no apparent reason...either that or just naiive. (Grins broadly) MAN: Er...well, yes. Come inside... (The Warners do so...they see various posters, paintings, etc. are hanging inside of a stone-walled interior with candles lining the walls; various others in bathrobes are also seen. We see hanging over the front of the hall is a portrait of none other than...) WARNERS: (Shocked) *BALONEY*?!? MAN: (Grinning) Yes, that’s correct, o young ones. The Great Orange Lumpy-Head has shown us through the wisdom of his teachings, the *true* path to enlightenment. Through such philosophies as "have a gosh-a-riffic day", and "the Tenants of the Anvil Song", the Orange One has changed our *lives*... DOT: (Muttering) For the *worse*... MAN: (to his fellow Baloney idolizers) Fellow members, these three were the ones who were *with* the Orange One in his television program! Let us shower them with tokens of our esteem, for aiding the Orange One in his path to our enlightenment! YAKKO: Aaaaaaaactually, that’s not really *necessary*... WAKKO: Er...really! DOT: Yeah...uh..er...ah....drat, can’t think of anything witty to say... YAKKO: I can... *GOODBYE, NURSE*! (The sibs try to race for the door, but see that there’re a bunch of Baloney-worshippers standing in front of it...the sibs scream) BALONEY FAN: We must thank you...if not for you, the world would never know of the wisdoms of cooperation, unity, and fake disguises, through the lesson known as "39 Characters In Search of The Plot to Enlightenment"... YAKKO: Um...yeah. We figured as much. MAN: We understand that you’re working with Mr. Axel Foley in his quest for political office... DOT: Not really *working*...more like an exposure to all the language HBO *censored* in its TV shows... MAN: Nevertheless, we wish to impart to you these tokens of our esteem...since Mr. Foley worked alongside the Orange One during one of his missions to spread the path of "gosh-a-riffic goodness", we wish to hand you *these*...(goofily speaking) bring out the neat-o, shiny glittery rocks, guys! (Laughs goofily) (Several members of this Baloney fan club haul out several chests, which they open...the sibs do a double-take, as they see that the chests are full of gemstones, gold coins, bundles of hundred-dollar bills, stock options in eBay, savings bonds, etc.) MAN: Will *this* small token of our esteem be enough to ensure that Mr. Foley completes *his* mission in life? WAKKO: You mean, making another sequel to a past movie? (Yakko nudges him) Uh...sure thing, Mr. Weirdo Man! MAN: Very good...take it, with our blessings. But first...would you care to stay and sing the "Anvil Song" with us? YAKKO: (Disturbed) Aaaaaah....I don’t think so...we’ve got a lot of, aaaahhhhh...campaigning to do! DOT: Er...yeah. Lots of buttons...and..uh..stuff. WAKKO: Uh....ah....er....(panicks) OK! *OK*! We’ll sing! MAN: Good! DOT: *Wakko*...care to explain, young man? WAKKO: I couldn’t help it! The pressure of trying to be funny all the time...I couldn’t come up with a *witty response*! (Sobs) Please don’t hate me... YAKKO: It’s OK, Wakko...tryin’ to keep a strong mind while on *this* campaign could make anybody crack... DOT: Speaking of "cracked"... (Jerks her thumbs at the Baloney worshippers, who’re about to break out into singing the "Anvil Song") Shall we? YAKKO: Aaaaah....sure, why not? (The group sings the entire rendition of the "Anvil Song"...however, when the song ends, several large anvils slam down on the group...pan up to see that the sibs were the anvil-droppers. They grin broadly at us...) DOT: What can we say? YAKKO: Aaaaah...nothin’ so we can am-scray back to Michigan? WAKKO: Works for me! DOT: Me, too! (They race to the floor, grab the chests of treasure, and wave good-bye to the Baloney fans, who’re crawling out from their anvilling, looking dazed yet pleased...) MAN: Hmm...the anvils dropped by the puppy-children inspire me to create...get the pie-plates and crayons! Tonight---we make *funny mask-thingies*! (All cheer, and race for their Crayolas...meanwhile, sometime later, we cut back to Michigan and Axel’s headquarters, where we see that Axel’s oggling the amount of loot the Warners brought back...) AXEL: (BLEEP)! This stuff’s sure to get my poll ratings up! BRAIN: Indeed...there’s enough here to purchase the mother lode of political advertising! How did you do it? DOT: Do ya *really* want to know? (The sibs grin) BRAIN: *Never mind*...I’d rather not know for the time being. I’ll just say I’m grateful for this work... WAKKO: That was *work*? I thought we were just dropping anvils... AXEL: Yeah, yeah...come on, we’ve gotta get down to Kinko’s and churn off some more posters with this loot... BILLIE: I’ll call the TV stations around the state...they’re sure to sell us all the air time we need! (Scurries off, as does Pinky...) DOT: Oooh, can we help with the TV ads? AXEL: No way...you (bleeps) gotta help me with my first debate! I’ve gotta go head-to-head with that (bleep) Harper on statewide TV tonight! This could be my chance to actually push my polls into the *double digits*! YAKKO: Oh, yeah...*those* debates. We’ll get right on it, potty-mouthed boss-man! Come, sibs, to the *index cards*! Forward....reverse! (The sibs walk backwards, exiting the scene...) (Axel shakes his head at this, and heads to join them...Brain joins his fellow lab mice in aiding in the advertising production...cut to some time later, as we see Brain scanning over the now-finished commercial...) BILLIE: I dunno, Eggy...are you sure *this* is the ad you wanna release? I mean, with what you put *in* it, I kind of doubt... BRAIN: Of *course* it’ll work! Thanks to the use of....(cringes) *recycled stock footage*...of Axel’s past exploits, we can’t lose! PINKY: But Brain, the public didn’t like the Cat and Bunny Warneroonie Super Looney Big Cartoonie Show...why would they like your, uh, er.... BRAIN: *Ad*? PINKY: Ad, yeah, that’s it! Couldn’t remember the word, NARF! BRAIN: Indeed. Now come, we must head off to station WXYZ-TV...the first of the many stations to play our paid political message! (The mice exit...we pan over to see Axel rehearsing with the Warners for the debate) YAKKO: OK...Mr. Harper just said that you like to kick small puppies, close orphanges, and is the 457th person to call you the "Harbinger of the Apocalypse"...what do you do? AXEL: Uh....um.... tell him I only *tried* to bring on armaggedon, but didn’t succeed? DOT: Er...let’s try this again...(sweetly to Axel) and remember, sweetums...(yelling) IT’S ONLY OUR ENTIRE CARTOON CAREERS THAT’S AT STAKE HERE!!! (Grins) Tee-hee....continue... AXEL: Um...yeah... WAKKO: (Reading from a card) "Mr. Foley, you say you wish to give state schools funding to wire them with Verminator hall monitors/cafeteria workers...how does this relate to your desire to provide vouchers to students for their choice of which acting schools to attend?" AXEL: Hmm...lessee...I know the answer to that one...uh....(stares blankly at the wall) what was the question again? YAKKO: (Sighs) Think he’s ready, guys? DOT: Clueless...stiff...unrehearsed...dodging the questions...no real knowledge of any of the vital issues...these days, I guess he *is* ready for political debates. YAKKO: I’m sure Toastmasters would be *thrilled*... AXEL: Why...are we gettin’ funding from *those* (bleep)s, too? DOT: (Sighs) Never mind...just remember to smile for the cameras, Axel-dear...(pinches Axel’s cheek to the point of nearly yanking off his skin, then letting it snap back...a string of explitives are uttered as a result...) (Fade from this scene, and to the arena in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where the political debate between Axel and Mike Harper is being held...a sign out front reads "Tonight: Foley vs. Harper...Moderator: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin"...we fade into the interior, where we see that the wrestler himself is covering this event...Axel and Harper are seen at seperate podiums, both of them wearing the same black suits and red ties...to the side of the stage are the Warners and lab mice...) AUSTIN: (Aggressive, to the camera) Hello, there...I’m moderatin’ this shindig fer "DC SMACKDOWN!", the only UPN show to meet FCC requirements fer "providing a public programming service"...feh. Anyways, we’ve got this here debate for you all tonight, Axel "the Bleepmeister" Foley vs. Mike "Guy’s A Lock" Harper! I’m playin’ ref...so, START ARGUIN’ ALREADY! First question: "How do you guys plan on reducin’ violence in our nation?" HARPER: (Looking calm) Well, Mr. "Stone Cold", as you know, when I get the Defense Against Toons act passed, the Warner siblings, those miscreants that have caused our country much grief over the past year’s worth of adventures, shall eliminate anvils being dropped on innocent individuals, no more cartoon chicanery leading to all sorts of incidents like what happened recently to Chicago, and by natural extension of the law’s provisions, preventing such incidents as what happened in Washington, D.C. by that mad scientist as well. In short, this alone will resolve much of what plagues our society in the year 2000. Thank you. AUSTIN: OK, Axel, yer up! What d’you gotta say about this? AXEL: Um...well... (smacks his lips) Y’know, Steve...violence is a...funny thing. Now take violence with cartoons for example. I never dropped any anvils myself, but I could understand defending someone’s right to do so...for their safety...for protecting their loved ones...I mean, if some ninja-thug horde happens to break into your home, and threaten your family, what’re you gonna do to protect ‘em, huh? And what if they’re carryin’ stars and nunchucks and barbed-wire-wrapped bricks? If this *did* happen, how would you protect your family under those circumstances? With a (snicker) *baseball bat*... a gun and wind up shootin’ the *dog* or your *rugrats* or some (blee)---er, thing, or a good old-fashioned, all-American-made *anvil*?! Think about *that*! AUSTIN: So, ya think we all have the right ta carry around anvils? AXEL: (Bleep)in’ yeah! Though we tore a bunch ‘a holes in our pockets tryin’ to figure out how to make a "concealed anvils" law work... AUSTIN: OK, gotcha. Next question: "Do you believe that toons pose a potentially bad influence on our children?" HARPER: Absolutely! That’s why I’m pressing for my bill, Mr. Austin. Children should *not* be exposed by toons that resemble "puppy children" of all things, promoting their perverted, immoral, violent "lifestyle choices" to them... (Zip pan to Dr. Laura’s home...she’s mulling over the rock-bottom ratings for her TV show when she happens to see this on the tube...) DR. LAURA: Oooh, that’s lovely...can’t disagree with *that*... lousy toons...(hurls a dart at a picture of the Warners on the wall, before turning her attention back to how to resuscitate her comatose TV show...) (Zip pan back to the debate). AXEL: Oh, oh, no-no-no, I gotta disagree, Mr. Harper... HARPER: I don’t think this interruption’s appropriate, Mr. Fol... AXEL: Of course it is...this is a political debate! Now then, I don’t agree with Mr. Harper at all...sure, these "puppy children" are different from a lot of us, but look at their positive qualities! They make us laugh...they’re clever...witty...charming...highly sophisticated...and paragons of American values! (Looks at his note cards, written by the Warners, and glances out at the sibs in the audience, where they’re busy making faces at the two candidates. He mutters a few explitives very softly under his breath)(Tossing these notecards away) Anyway, the fact that they’re toons should make no difference in how they’re treated...I mean, what bearing does their bein’ paint and ink have on, say, teachin’ kids the nations of the world? Or makin’ fun of candy shop owners? Or stuff like that there? I mean, come on... "lifestyle choices"? That sounds more like my *health club membership*, Mr. Harper...and these three didn’t choose to be this way at all! HARPER: Please...those three could be just as normal as any of us if they only *tried*! And thanks to my proposed bill, they *will* receive assistance in achieving this goal of abandoning a lifestyle that clearly isn’t *normal*! YAKKO: (From out in the audience) Hey, we’re *plenty* normal! WAKKO: Yeah...maybe even *ab*normal! DOT: Or ab*dominal*! (Sucks in her stomach to reveal "abs of steel", before letting go) I’ve been working out... HARPER: Indeed, my daisy-bedecked friend...which is why I only wish to *help* the likes of you toons to overcome your "condition"... DOT: Condition? Are we sick? AXEL: (Speaking without thinking) I’m not answerin’ *that* one---(realizes he’s being watched) Er, what I meant to say is, "not answering it without, uh, extensive staff research"... (glances to the audience to see that Dot’s playing nurse to a bedridden Wakko...Yakko (dressed as a doctor) yells "clear!", and Dot shocks Wakko with those two cardiac, disk-like electrode things...) AUSTIN: Um, *yeah*...now then, the next freakin’ question’s this: "What do ya plan on doin’ to clean up politics once you’re elected?" Harper, *go*! HARPER: I plan on exposing the sources of my fellow congressmembers’ corruption...their sources of campaign fund-raising...now take Mr. Foley here, for instance. I have proof that he’s raised funds at, of all places, a Baloney-worshipping *cult*!! What kind of candidate for public office would even *dream* of raising campaign funds in such a place?! AXEL: OK, OK, first of all, it wasn’t a *cult*, it was a "place of fanboy worship". Second of all, they can give money to whoever they want...if they want to give their money to the first three puppy-kids that walk in the door, that’s their business! Uh...third of all...it wasn’t *all* money they gave me! HARPER: No? What, pray tell, was the rest of it, then? AXEL: Lessee...they gave me some savings bonds, and some pieces-of-eight...uh...(speaking towards someone off-stage) What’d we do with those stock options in eBay again? (off-stage, we hear Brain moaning) HARPER: You see? This sort of dishonesty must be dealt with! Once I’m elected, I’ll ensure that contributions will be completely, totally honest! Cleaning up this system of decadence, and...(hears an inaudible-to-the-others beeping in his ear) Um...I’m afraid I’ll have to stop right there. AXEL: No kidding...at least I have the guts to tell where my funds came from! Hear that, Michigan? *I* am *honest*! Speakin’ of which...just where did you get *your* funds from, Mr. Harper? You sure seem to have a bottomless supply of the stuff... HARPER: Well...er...I don’t think that’s very important right now. I assure you, however, that my sources are quite reputable, and donated by *non*-Baloney-worshipping-cults! AXEL: THEY WEREN’T A CULT! HARPER: Sure they weren’t Mr. Foley....sure they weren’t. AUSTIN: Great answers, ya bums. Now then, final statements---GO! HARPER: I just want to say that you should all vote for whoever you wish...but keep in mind, that I represent the finest ideals of American society, a strong anchor of morals and integrity, and promise to put those insane toons’ gimmicks in a *lock box* and keep it safe from our nation’s children! AXEL: (Thinking) Dang...that (bleep) stole my "lock box" catchphrase! And after *I* stole it from Al Gore...great! Now I’ve gotta come up with somethin’ *original*. Or at least start rippin’ off the dumb (bleep) from Texas instead of the smug (bleep) from Tennessee... (Clears his throat) AUSTIN: Foley, *NOW*! AXEL: OK, I just want to say that I think you should all vote for whoever you want, as well. But keep in mind, that I represent those who Mr. Harper wants to disparage...and through my plans once elected, this nation will be in good hands...er...with a good brain runnin’ things. Because, er...with these two pinkies of mine, ah...no wackos are gonna, er, let harm come to anyone, um, includin’ people named "Billie". (Quick beat) *Vote Foley*! (The audience politely applauds, and Axel’s campaign staff runs over to him...we see Austin speak into the camera) AUSTIN: OK, ya feebs, let’s get that instant poll up on the screen there! Accordin’ to the "DC Smackdown" poll of 500 hard-hittin’-action-lovin’ fans in Michigan, over 17% say they plan on votin’ for the *other* main man besides me, Axel Foley! While Harper’s lead slips ta 75%...still formidable, but ya never know what could happen within the next week and a half til the big Election Day Final Confrontation™! Is Axel’s stupid campaign fundraising sources gonna put the kibosh on the Bleepmeister? Or will the voters actually *buy* that "Verminators in every school" schtick? Ya got me, fans...but one thing’s clear: this race is gonna be the biggest thing to rock this state since Motown! Until next time, see ya! (We see a crowd swarm the Cursing One, but also see that outside the hall, in a phone booth, Harper is speaking on the phone with his "silent partner"...) STEWIE: (Over the phone) Blast! You imbecile! You were supposed to intellectually tear that simpleton to *shreds*! I don’t know what debate *you* were watching, but it’s clear that you must have picked up your debate skills from either a seventh-grade civics class flunkie, or a *WELL BEHAVED MONKEY*!!! HARPER: Sorry, Stewie...but I guess he caught me off-guard! What was I supposed to say regarding that campaign fundraising bit, that I’m getting my money from a *baby*?!? And that *he*’s getting the funds from a source that strikes me as dubious at best?! STEWIE: Quiet, you...I had no choice! It was either that, or playing the *lotto*...blasted dimwitted teenaged clerks enforcing state age limits! I have exponentially *more* intelligence than the average hormonally-fevered 18-year-old...anyway, go home and get some rest. Tomorrow, you shall strike back at that loathsome explitive-abuser, with the mother of all negative ad campaigns! HARPER: I see...what will *you* be doing? STEWIE: Attending classes on making pots out of play-dough, followed by attending a seminar on thermodynamics. Very busy schedule, I’m afraid...oops, must get going. Don’t want to miss "Rugrats". Remember: succeed...or *ELSE*! (Dum-dum-duuuummm....) (Hangs up) HARPER: Uh....of course. (Hangs up) Better get back to the office...time for Foley to see some *real* slick production values...(Laughs sinisterly, as the music builds to a dramatic climax.) (Cut to commercials for an Election-Day-themed "Pokemon" marathon, with recycled stock footage of Pikachu shocking some donkey-looking-creature and an elephant-like creature, with Team Rocket wielding "Jesse/James 2000" picket signs. Then cut back to the politicized-and-likely-to-induce-for-the-author-hate-mail "plot"...) (We see Axel and the "Animaniacs" gang gathered around a TV set in his headquarters...Wakko is scarfing down on a pile of Big Macs™ in front of him. Brain eyes him with disgust, before shaking his head and beginning a speech...) BRAIN: All right, we’ve managed to boost Axel’s popularity to 17% in the latest polls...but we need to do much better than that! To do so, we’ve produced these series of commercials that even at this moment, are airing all over the Michigan airwaves as we speak....Pinky? (Pinky hits the "play" button on the TV’s VCR, and we see an ad pop up...we also hear Brain’s voiceover on the ads) BRAIN: (VO) For decades, Michigan society has benefitted from the efforts of Axel Foley...from his support of new musical stylings as a youth, Foley has shown that he’s a man supportive of creativity, gracefulness, and style... (We see a still-shot of six-year-old Axel, holding a "Brain-Fonics" record (as seen in the fanfic "Motown Mice") and grinning...he’s missing several teeth.) BRAIN: (VO) Now, Axel wishes to improve Michigan society for the benefit of all. From his support of wiring all schools with Verminator cafeteria aids and hall monitors, he wishes to ensure a safe learning environment and nutritious food for our students! (A still-shot of a Verminator cyborg in a cafeteria worker’s uniform is splattering food on some kid’s plate...Verm gives a "thumbs up" for the camera, and grins...cut to the mice watching this ad...) PINKY: (Whispering) Brain...I thought we didn’t have any Verminator-thingies! Where did you get him from? BRAIN: (Whipsering) I spliced old footage of the Verminator from that comic book outing of ours into this commercial...as loathsome as it is to use recycled stock footage, what’s at stake made me have no choice... BRAIN: (VO) So remember, to give your vote to Axel...because, if there’s anyone who can get the job done, no matter under *whatever* pressure...it’s *him*. (We cut to a shot of Axel shaking hands with schoolchildren...he picks one up and grins at the camera, while holding the kid up to the screen...the kid looks a bit frightened, and on the verge of tears. The tape ends) AXEL: Brilliant! Nice work, ya (bleep)s! BILLIE: Thanks...(wrinkling her nose a bit at that explitive) ...uh, I think. Anyway, with what we had to work with, I’m not sure what good it’ll do. And those campaign promises...I mean, you actually want to wire the schools with *deadly cyborgs* that look like *Egghead*?! BRAIN: I fail to see what’s wrong with cyborgs in my image...hmm, perhaps when we take over the world, such a fleet might actually *aid* me in reshaping the world to my desires... AXEL: Er, yeah, whatever...(switching subjects) OK, that’s settled...next, we’ve gotta...(glances at the screen) Whoa, hold the (bleep)in’ phone---what the (bleep)’s *THAT*?! (They all glance at the TV, now tuned to a local station...we see a black screen with white text on it, with a woman’s voice sternly speaking...Brain decides to hit "record" on the VCR...) ANNOUNCER: Axel Foley says that his plan to give tax breaks to "little Jimmy"s across the state will result in an increase of 200% in their IQ points... (A caption at the bottom of the screen reads "Statistic taken from the Specious Reasoning Institute of Fairbanks, Alaska") ANNOUNCER: But we *really* know that such efforts will only take away valuable *jobs* from Michigan voters...cause our booming economy to fall flat on its face! (We see a shot of a worker at McDonald’s™...) McD’s WORKER: I’m earning minimum wage at this job...and thanks to the booming, stock-market-and-Internet-driven "new economy," I’ve got two *more* jobs just like this one! WAKKO: Hey, I know that guy! AXEL: You *should*...he’s from the M*ckeyD’s *next door*! DOT: And the K-Mart down the street... BILLIE: And the Burger King next to the K-Mart... WAKKO: Oh, yeah... ANNOUNCER: Do you want *this* hard-working person to lose one of his three jobs to someone living overseas? Axel Foley apparently thinks so...but then again, he also supports "special rights" for toons to perform gimmicks that warp the fabric of space and *time*, and government funds to wire schools with cybernetic rodents... (A caption at the bottom reads "facts taken from past speeches by Axel Foley, old clips of his "Gumby" "Saturday Night Live" sketch, and casual eavesdropping and heresay" ---I.M.A. Slacker Reasearch Institute for Stuff, French Lick, Indiana") AXEL: Hey! That’s a half-truth! I want that stupid "two places at once" (bleep) as dead as *he* does! Dumb (bleep)in’ gag... BRAIN: (Flatly) Despite my goals in this endeavour, I must *agree*... YAKKO: Hmph...spoilsports. ANNOUNCER: Do you *really* want *your* space-time continuum possibly warped dangerously beyond repair by someone like the *Warners*? (We see a still-shot of a grainy, black-and-white photo of the Warners, grinning broadly at the camera...it looks touched up to resemble a "mug shot"...) ANNOUNCER: I know *I* don’t. And I’m sure you don’t want that, either, from a candidate that cavorts with, well...who *knows*? (We see the words "Axel Foley" in white letters on the screen, but a brief split-second phrase appears and then vanishes from the screen...the group raise their eyebrows...) ANNOUNCER: Mike Harper...an environmentalist who *believes* in protecting the integrity of *our* space-time continuum! (The commercial ends...Axel looks irate) AXEL: DIRTY (BLEEP)! HOW *DARE* HE INSISTS THAT I DON’T PROTECT THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM! I’M JUST AS RESPONSIBLE WITH THE (BLEEP)IN’ UNIVERSE AS *ANYONE* ELSE! YAKKO: Aahhhh, what about the time you--- AXEL: Save it, Groucho. I’m not interested in another (bleep)in’ crack at my expense. DOT: Aw, but it’s so much *fun*... BRAIN: Ignoring the issue of how Axel treats the fabric of space-time, I must wonder what that brief flash of wording was that we saw... (Presses "rewind" on the VCR, and turns on the frame-by-frame-advance still feature...we see at the critical scene that the phrase reads, in giant letters: LAB RATS) PINKY: (Annoyed) HEY! How dare they steal one of Brain’s ideas! Besides, we’re *MICE*! NARF! BILLIE: No kiddin’, Pinky...of all the low-down dirty tricks...*subliminal messages*?! Why would someone stoop to such a pathetic level? I mean, we all know that those messages don’t work! (Brain glares at Billie) Er...sorry, Eggy. BRAIN: (Annoyed) I’ll thank you not to criticize a favorite strategy of world conquest, Billie...especially since I wished I’d thought of this trick *first*! It seems that Mr. Harper wishes to hit below the belt, after all...therefore, we must... PINKY: Um...bend down? BRAIN: *No*...it’s time to take off the kids gloves, Pinky. It appears that Harper will not concede at any costs...come, we must prepare to find a means of defeating Harper so that I may *take over the---* (sees all of them staring at him) er, I mean, helping Axel win, so that I *may* take over the world afterwards. (We hear ominous music play, as the gang prepares to figure out how to fight this barrage of negative campaign ads...cut to some time later, where we see Harper is walking down the street...) HARPER: Ah, the sweet smells of Michigan in fall...leaves turning colors, a bumper crop of apples...and of course, my *inevitable victory*! My ratings are surely skyrocketing after that "LAB RATS" ad...oh, that *was* a clever idea that Stewie gave me...those dumb "Who Wants to Be a Whatever" viewers are so gullible, they’re *sure* to be influenced by that ad! (Turning a corner, however, Harper’s gleeful mood quickly vanishes, as he sees a kid race past him wearing an Axel pin...his curiosity peaked, he follows the child, until encountering a whole group of kids, with their parents, gathered around a storefront window...a display with Axel Foley campaign merchandise is propped up next to the window. We see the store is an electronics shop, and a TV in the window is repeatedly playing a commercial...) COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: Mike Harper says that Axel Foley doesn’t care about the integrity of our space-time continuum...Mike Harper also says that Axel Foley doesn’t care about our schools and our students... (Melodramatic music plays, as we see Axel in a crowd with various children...) ANNOUNCER: Well, Axel Foley *does* care...he vows to do whatever it takes to give our students the best in technology... (Cue recycled stock footage of children using computers, swiped from any number of political campaign ads that use that same generic footage of kids at computers in a nice-looking library...) ANNOUNCER: Tax vouchers for students to buy something other than rocks and mud for dinner... (Cue a shot of Wakko holding some Form 1040 tax forms, which he slaps between hamburger buns and begins scarfing down...) ANNOUNCER: ...and pledges to be *tough* on crime... (Cut to recycled stock footage of Axel arresting someone from "Beverly Hills Cop", followed by stock footage of Roboo-Cop (from "Chaos of Characters") and a Verminator patrolling CGI footage of the WB Studios lot...) ANNOUNCER: Axel *loves* puppies...*and* puppy-*children*... (Cue a shot of Axel holding Wakko in his arms...Wakko’s tugging at his shirt like a real puppy...Axel chuckles.) ANNOUNCER: ...and Axel’s been known to have personally been involved with such popular and children-adored characters as---*POKEMON*! (Cue a shot of Axel wielding a Poke-ball and standing next to Brain-as-Pikachu, from "39 Characters In Search of a Plot") ANNOUNCER: As for the fabric of space and time? Well, we don’t know about Mike Harper, but Axel Foley’s had vast experience in dealing with matters of the space-time continuum! (Cue recycled stock footage of the Warners pulling the "two places at once" gag on Axel Foley, from any number of past adventures...we cut away before the footage shows Axel’s usual reaction to this gag, and to a still-shot of Axel Foley and Mike Harper...) ANNOUNCER: *Axel Foley*...because our children, state, *and* space-time continuum deserve the *best*... (The ad ends, as the kids all cheer....) KIDS: YAAAAY! AX-EL! AX-EL! AX-EL! HARPER: *WHAT*?! No, no, this is all *wrong*!! (A kid sees Harper, and sticks his tongue out at him) KID: Look! The mean man who doesn’t want Axel to work with Pikachu! KIDS: *BOOOOO*! HARPER: Whoa, hold it right there...first of all, I could care less about *what* electrified *rat*--- KID #2: He’s a *mouse*!! HARPER: *Whatever*...anyway, I’ve got something better in store for you kids...being free of the influence of those awful Warners! Besides, it’s for your own good... KID #3: But we *like* those guys...they do that funny thing with anvils! KID #1: Yeah...leave ‘em alone! They didn’t bug you! (The kids all boo Mr. Harper, as he decides to bid a hasty exit...some time later, we see he’s on the phone with his "partner in crime", Stewie...) STEWIE: (V.O.) Harper, how *dare* you handle that situation so *poorly*! Not only did you allow Axel to run those commercials, but you’ve turned kids away from those ink-and-paint kiddie cockfighters, *Pokemon*! Do you know how much influence those kids might have on their *parents*?! HARPER: Uh...I don’t know...how much? STEWIE: (V.O.) Oh, let’s see, how about *ENOUGH INFLUENCE TO COST THE ELECTION*! With all those apathetic undecided parents considering *voting* as being less important than taping the next oh-so-intellectually-scintillating episode of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire", they’ll be so esasily swayed by their children that your defeat may be *assured*! Already, those commercials of Axel’s has cost us the gains we made off of *our* subliminal message ads! Axel’s risen to *25%* in the latest polls! We must *correct* this! HARPER: How? The election’s a week away... STEWIE: I don’t *care*! Look, look...I’ve got fingerpainting classes at 4...I’ll call you back. We *will* think of *something*...(Hangs up, as does Harper) (Cut to commercials filled with attack ads....then cut back to the "action".) (We open back up on Axel’s campaign headquarters, as we see the staff celebrate their growing poll numbers...) AXEL: YES! We’re up to 25%! We’re gonna *win* this thing! BRAIN: Y-e-e-s! Soon, victory shall be ours, thanks to my superbly crafted plan! PINKY: Um, Brain...? BRAIN: Yes, Pinky? PINKY: I was just thinking...about Axel’s campaign...Verminator robot-thingies and the right to drop anvils and stuff is OK and all, but I was just thinking...Axel’s campaign platform-amajig needs something *else*...something *very* important, NARF! BRAIN: Like *what*? *Dryer lint*?! PINKY: *No*, Brain! I mean...(drags into the picture a piece of paper) *SAVINGS BONDS*! Ta-daaaa! (Holds up a series EE savings bond note) BRAIN: *Savings bonds*?! HA! Please, Pinky...the economy’s the strongest it’s been in *30 years*! And with the stock market at unprecedented levels, *nobody* wishes to invest their funds in something as outdated and sans-instant-profiteering as *savings bonds*! PINKY: Aw, but I’ve been buying them, Brain....they’re *lots* of fun! And they’re tax deductible for college, POIT! BILLIE: Well, I think Pinky’s idea is nice, Eggy...it’s certainly something the average person can identify with better than tardy kids having to face down killer cybernetic warrior hall monitors... WAKKO: I think Pinky’s on to somethin’... YAKKO: Yeah, somethin’ that doesn’t involve tax breaks for fictional people named "Jimmy"... DOT: Besides, we pushed those things all the time back in World War II! Ask Slappy...she did the same thing! (Holds up a poster reading "Bonds Away, 1943, Starring Slappy Squirrel, Directed by Fritz Wheeling") AXEL: Yeah...my mama bought those things by the (bleep)load for us as kids... BRAIN: (Frustrated) Oh, very *well*! Fine! Deviate from my carefully laid platform of centering only on three issues...but when we *lose*, I’m blaming *you*... PINKY: *And* compounded interest, *NARF*! BRAIN: *Indeed*... (glances at his clipboard) Well, we’d best get started on the next segment of this campaign... BILLIE: What’s that, Eggy? We’ve already raised money...had a few rallies...had that debate with Harper...put out all those commercials...what’s left? BRAIN: I’m talking about...*late night TV show appearances*! All modern candidates make use of such a venue...and now, if we are to ensure that Axel’s popularity skyrockets among the couch potatos of Michigan, he must do the same! I’ve booked airtime on Davey Betterman, "Politically Indecisive", *and*... AXEL: "Nightline"? BRAIN: *Noooo*... "Saturday Night Live"! AXEL: (Irate) WHAT?!? *NOOOOOOOO*! BRAIN: We have no choice...despite not having had an amusing moment since the Bush administration, that program still holds much influence among apathetic voters with no night lives...besides, the public *wants* their candidates to appear entertaining and amusing, like all the other facets of modern society... DOT: I thought you said they wanted someone "serious and monotone"... BRAIN: Well, didn’t you see Al Gore on that program while ago? His jokes were the highlight of the evening! (Chuckles) I mean, that one about the IRS agent and the aggregate income tax levels... DOT: (Rolling her eyes) *Of course*... BRAIN: So soon, Axel, you shall be on the show that gave you your rise to fame...this forum will surely accept you back with open arm--- AXEL: (Completely irate) WHY THE (BLEEP) SHOULD I BE ON SOME (BLEEP)IN’ SHOW THAT AIN’T BEEN FUNNY IN LIKE TEN (BLEEP)IN’ YEARS?! I MEAN, WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS UP WITH THAT "HEAD BOPPIN’ IN SOME (BLEEP) NIGHTCLUB" (BLEEP)?! OR THAT (BLEEP) WITH THE (BLEEP)IN’ CHEERLEADERS?!? AND THAT ADAM (BLEEP) SANDLER (BLEEP) WHO I’M FUNNIER IN MY (BLEEP)IN’ SLEEP THAN HE’S *EVER* BEEN?! AND *ANOTHER* THING... (The Bleepmeister continues his tirade, as the Warners cover their ears and frown...Pinky and Billie try to suggest to Brain to change his mind. Brain, however, looks undetermined to do so...fade away from this curse-fest, to Harper in his office...he’s on the phone once more with you-know-who...) STEWIE: (V.O.) WHAT?! How *dare* that Foley use his former NBC connections to get on that program! And that "Politically Indecisive" program?! Oh, curse that media-savvy *rodent*! *CURSE HIM, I SAY*! (Cut to Stewie, who’s doing chin-ups on the monkey bars at the playground...he’s wearing a sweatsuit. A water bottle, his teddy bear Rupert, a radio and a towel lie nearby...we see he has a cell phone propped up next to one of the bars...) STEWIE: Blast! If I had more time, I’d ensure that Axel never even *made it* to the studio! Hmm...but it *does* give me another idea...Harper, how soon can you get to New York? (Listens to the phone, as Stewie does a few more chinups) Good! Now then, I’ll arrange for you to go on that "Politically Indecisive" program, and you’ll trounce that Foley once and for all! (Listens, as he hangs off the bar) Yes, I suppose that *would* potentially put him on the spot...excellent! I’ll get right on it! Ooh, that Brain fellow is going to be *surprised* by all of this! (Lets go to grip his fingers together, but instantly falls to the ground...we hear an angry "*(BLEEP) IT*!" eminate...) (In yet another Fanfic Montage, we see Axel’s preparations for his media appearances...we see: the Warners make fun of Betterman’s Ball State University diploma backstage, Pinky laughing insanely at a TV displaying Jay Leno, and Wakko scarfing down an entire New York hot dog cart. Finally, we see Betterman’s show begin...the Hoosier native host is seated at his desk, and is tapping a pencil on its surface...) BETTERMAN: So, I was thinking, "tastes great, less filling"...must be... diet cola? (Rimshot noise; the audience breaks up into laughter...backstage, Axel looks a bit bewildered by all this, as Brain and Pinky are putting the finishing touches on his shoes..) AXEL: (Still fuming over his impending SNL appearance) Hmph...those (bleep)s will laugh at *anything* that guy says...with late-night TV standards like *that*, no wonder "Saturday Night (Bleep)"’s still on the air... BRAIN: (Standing on a table, straightening Axel’s necktie to the best of his ability) No time to analyze comedic wit...you’re on! BETTERMAN: Anyway, here from the Great Lakes state of Michigan...(straightens his tie, as the audience goes wild) ...U.S. House of Representatives candidate *Axel Foley*, with our Top Five list! (Axel walks out onto the stage, with "Axel F" playing...he grins for the audience. Backstage, Brain is looking at the "Top Five" list with annoyance...) BRAIN: What is this drivel?! With these self-depreciating jokes, I’m not sure *how* this’ll help Axel’s campaign! I mean, who would *think* this crud is *funny*?! PINKY: (On his back, laughing) WAHAHAHAHA! "Diet cola"! HAHAHA, NARF! TROZ! BRAIN: (Flatly) I keep forgetting not to *say* that out loud next to you, Pinky... (Cut to the stage...) AXEL: Hey, what’s up, everyone? (All clap) (Reads the cue cards) OK, here it is, from our home office in Gas City, Indiana, the Top Five list: "Five Advantages to Axel in the House" BETTERMAN: Number five... AXEL: (Reading the cue card) "I make my *own* jokes." (Audience laughs; Axel looks puzzled) BETTERMAN: Number four.... AXEL: (Reading the answer) "I can say, ‘Axel’s in da house!’ and *really* mean it." (Audience laughs) BETTERMAN: Number *three*... AXEL: (Reading the answer) "Unlike Hillary Clinton, I already *live* in the state I want to represent." (The audience laughs even louder, as Axel looks a bit disturbed by this) BETTERMAN: Number *two*... AXEL: (Reading) "Unlike George W. Bush, I don’t *need* a microphone to say ‘major league (bleep)’ in front of a crowd of potential voters" (The audience goes wild over this, as Axel is starting to look mildly annoyed by all this) BETTERMAN: (Drumroll) And the number *one* advantage *is*: AXEL: (Reading) "Since I’ve already been a Harbinger of the Apocalypse, I don’t need to worry about the public’s opinion of me being lowered any by being a congressman." (Two drumbeats play, as the audience goes wild...Betterman grins broadly, but Axel looks annoyed, and walks off-stage...) BETTERMAN: Woo...uh, think he’s mad? (Raises an eyebrow, as the audience goes wild once more...) (Back stage, the Cursing One has calmed down...) AXEL: *Those* were jokes?! Some "comedian"...bet that "Ed" show of his crashes and burns up against those lame-(bleep) "Simpsons" episodes they’re plannin’ for this fall... BRAIN: (Looking at a clipboard) We’ll see...but right now, according to your latest poll of likely collegiate Michigan voters, you’ve managed to overtake the lead among 18-to-24 year old fraternity students, boosting your poll ratings to 27%! AXEL: (Bleep)! So, this wasn’t a waste of time, after all? BRAIN: Apparently *not*...come, we must prepare for our *next* media appearance, "Saturday Night Live"... AXEL: Awww... BRAIN: Now now, it’s all in the name of a good cause...so no backtalk! Let us be off... (The mice and Axel exit, Axel looking as if he’s dreading this appearance, while Pinky’s still laughing insanely, and muttering the words "Gas City" in between laughs...cut to the following night, as we see the Warners are with Axel backstage at NBC Studios in New York...inside his dressing room, we see Axel’s preparing for this appearance...he looks displeased by the "monologue" suggested to him by the SNL writers...) AXEL: (Annoyed) What the (bleep) is *this* (bleep)?! "Make a joke about double mocha lattes"?! *What* the (bleep) is a "double mocha (bleep)in’ latte"?! DOT: Beats me...but the guys from the network say it’ll appeal to NBC’s audience of upscale yuppie viewers...which explains these "stock options" jokes too, I guess... AXEL: Well, I’m not goin’ out there alone! Uh...*you’re* comin’ with me! WARNERS: *WHAT*?! YAKKO: Forget it, Axel...even *we* aren’t that desperate to get back on TV! WAKKO: Yeah! AXEL: Well, this show’s so (bleep)in’ sorry, I can’t imagine you guys makin’ it any *worse*! Besides, I need someone else to talk to besides these bunch of (bleep) "comedians" they’ve got! (Sighs) They make me miss the good old days...Steve...Jim... (Looks at the clock on the wall) Guess it’s *time*... YAKKO: But we can’t go on! We don’t have any hip, upwardly mobilely-relevant material to do! DOT: I left all my best material in my other skirt... AXEL: Well, think of *something*! They’ve got me put down for some (bleep) sketch about me dressed up in some (bleep) giant corncob....(Shakes his head) YAKKO: Eh, we’ll think of somethin’...come, sibs, let us proceed to appear on the same program as tackily-dressed guys in afros giving love advice... AXEL: (Shudders at that thought) That’s it...I don’t care how many votes this costs me...I’m *outta* here! DOT: Sorry, but we’ve got orders from Brain to make sure you go through with this show.... AXEL: Oh, yeah? Well, I say, (bleep) it! WAKKO: But Brain said so... YAKKO: It’s the *only* way... DOT: Yeah, and if you don’t, Harper might win! AXEL: Well, as a wise man once said...(points behind the sibs) Hey, look---it’s *Regis Philbin*! WARNERS: (Gleefully turning around) *Where*?! (When the sibs turn back, they see Axel’s vanished...cut to Axel racing towards the main exit, with NBC cameramen following him for that usual "follow someon with a camera before the show starts" bit...) AXEL: (BLEEP)! Get the (bleep) away from me, ya (bleep)s! I don’t want to do some (bleep)in’ sketch with some ugly (bleep) in drag pretendin’ ta be (bleep)in’ Elizabeth Dole! (Axel gets to the door, and opens it, only to find that the Warners are standing right in front of him...Axel tries turning around to escape, only to find they’re right behind him, too. Axel screams.) DOT: (Moaning) Not this *AGAIN*....maybe Harper is onto something with that gag-ban business *after all*... YAKKO: No time for analyzin’ repetitive gags, sibs...*GET ‘EM*! (The Warners jump Axel, and a fight cloud breaks out...moments later, we see the troop head out towards the main stage, as the band strikes up "Axel F" for Axel...however, we see that Axel’s been bound in a Hannibal Lecter-esque cage on wheels, struggling to escape his restraints...the sibs grin.) (One of the cast members, a portly man dressed up badly like Tipper Gore, strolls out to the stage...) GUY: Hey, Axel, the gang says to welcome you back to the show...(Axel grunts loudly in protest through his gag) By the way, we bought you a little gift...in light of your years of talents, we’ve taken the opportunity to let you star in our next sketch...with *me*! (Laughs) By the way, here’s your costume... (holds up a giant "Parental Advisory: Explicit Language" label for Axel to hold; Axel looks irate, and begins hopping towards off-stage, restraint and all...the sibs shrug) YAKKO: Told ya the only way he’d come back to this show would be if he was dragged kicking and screaming...or in this case, bound and gagged. (The audience laughs) Thank you...and remember Michigan fans to vote for Foley, the candidate that cares... GUY: Uh...about what? DOT: Post-apocalyptic worlds, cursing a blue streak, that sort of stuff...(the audience laughs) GUY: Well, that’s great...but now, it’s time for... WAKKO: A rousingly humorous sketch involving anvils! GUY: What?! There’s no sketch involving anvils... (Shuffles through the script, as the rest of the cast walks out onto the stage...) FEMALE CAST MEMBER: What the heck’s goin’ on?! We’ve got a 25-minute bit involving soda brands and lattes to do! ANOTHER GUY: Yeah, followed by another limited-animation cartoon...uh, say, you guys want to star in one? YAKKO: Er, thanks, but no thanks...we’ve had our fill of recycled stock footage for awhile. Now, for our next bit, we’re gonna... TIPPER GORE LOOKALIKE GUY: Get off-stage for our first sketch...it involves me, Axel, and Britney Spears criticizing special guest Eminem’s lyrics! DOT: Er...I don’t think so. It involves Axel and his campaign platform about the rights of us toons to carry anvils...I mean, you never know when they might come in handy... FEMALE CAST MEMBER: Please...so, are you guys gonna do our sketch or *not*? YAKKO: Aaaactually, I don’t think so. AFRO-WEARING GUY: Heh...ya probably want to do somethin’ lame like that "Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood" bit he used to do...nothin’ like our new, trendy heights of humor. Now, can we get to my sketch involving that bathroom stall? DOT: (Annoyed) I don’t think so... YET ANOTHER GUY: They probably don’t even have it anymore, guys...I mean, remember that bit they did on "Acquaintances"? They didn’t even drink one *coffee*! WAKKO: Mmm...coffee...can I--- DOT: Not now, Wakko. Maybe some decaf later... WAKKO: (Looks disturbed) *DECAF*?! Hmph...that’s not coffee...that’s just yucky brown water... TIPPER GORE GUY: Hey, don’t talk that way about our sponsors! We’ve got 12 coffee makers and shops sponsorin’ our show tonight...now, either get off-stage, or we’ll have to send after you tonight’s *other* "guests"... YAKKO: "Other" guests? FEMALE CAST MEMBER: Yeah...come on in, guys! (We see entering the stage none other than...Mikey and Sheryl of ninja-thug fame (from "Radio Free Warners"), dressed as usual. They’re wielding their standard ninja-thug arsenal of barbed-wire-wrapped bricks...) MIKEY: Hey, it’s those weirdo puppy-brats! DOT: What’re *you* doin’ here?! (Notes that Mikey and Sheryl are standing next to each other) Besides, I thought the two of you had broken up... SHERYL: Didn’t ya hear? We got hired on as security! Unfortunately, we were both registered at the same Manpower office, so when the network needed "temporary ninja-thugs", I got sent here not knowing they’d called in Mikey the Boy *Blunder* over here... (jerks her thumb at Mikey) MIKEY: Oh, like you should talk, "Desperately Seeking *A LIFE*"! WARNERS: *Oooooooo....* DOT: Are you gonna take that, sister? SHERYL: Of course not! (To Mikey) Why, I oughta--- SNL CASTMEMBER: ---do *nothing*! Save your petty romantic problems for *later*...right now, we need you to handle these guys! SHERYL: *Fine*... (to Mikey) We’ll settle this later, buddy... (To the sibs) So, if ya aren’t gonna go willingly, I guess I’m gonna have to get rough on your (bleep)s...too bad, too, since I liked a lot about what Axel said... DOT: Great...we get a ninja-thug fight scene in the middle of a *political campaign*... YAKKO: Still less problems than what Ralph Nader had at those debates... DOT: True.... MIKEY: Stop talkin’ about politics! Everyone knows they’re boring...nobody cares about who’s runnin’! Besides, that one guy Harper’s gonna win, anyway...I mean, you guys haven’t done an original gag in, like, forever... YAKKO: This from a guy who’s working on *this* show... FEMALE CAST MEMBER: That’s it! Guys, get ‘em! DOT: Say, did anyone ever tell you you sound a lot like this female lab mouse we know? (In Axel’s campaign HQ in Michigan, we see the lab mice watching this debacle on TV. Billie frowns, while Brain’s face is buried in his hands...) BILLIE: Hmph...I do *not* sound like that woman! Don’t ya agree, Eggy? BRAIN: (Moaning) This isn’t *anything* like I envisioned at *all*... PINKY: (Laughing) HAHAHA! "Gas City"...*NARF*! *TROZ*! (Cut to Harper’s HQ, where he’s watching this on TV...he laughs gleefully) HARPER: Oh, this is *great*! If these guys don’t finish him off first, Axel’s going to wind up doing worse than a Pat Buchanan rally in the heart of San Francisco once *I’m* done with him on "Politically Indecisive"! (Imitates Jack Nicholson) Wait’ll he gets a load of *me*... (Laughs maniacally) (Cut back to the stage, where the SNL’ers, now joined by "special guest" Eminem, are moving in on the Warners...Axel’s finally broken free of his restraints, and joins the sibs, only to see the approaching angry mob....) AXEL: Lemme guess...you (bleep)s "improvised"? DOT: Uh...you could say that. (Motions for the group to stop) Hold it! MIKEY: What for? YAKKO: Since you’re all bent on thinking our gags are repetitive, try *this* one for size...I think it’ll sell well with your viewers! EMINEM: Well, I’ve got somethin’ to sell---another million records! So why don’t you go (bleep) with that (bleep)in’ (bleep) (bleep), since y’all look like (bleep)s that like ta (bleep)?! AXEL: *WHAT*?! Nobody calls *me* a (bleep)in’ (bleep)! Ya mealy-looking little punk...what the (bleep) kind of name is "Eminem" anyway? That’s as (bleep)in’ stupid as namin’ a rock group "the Three Musketeers" or somethin’... EMINEM: Hey, what I said ain’t any different from those "comedy" albums of yours...even *I* had my limits compared to some of the language you used! (Pauses) I think. Besides, I’m not bein’ hateful...I’m just going for... DOT: ...cheap shock value in a cynical and unconstructive manner that’ll render you as passe as Marilyn Manson after your 15 minutes of fame are up? (To her sibs) Heard it on MTV... EMINEM: (Annoyed) Hey, what th--?! I’ve got what it takes for the long haul, sister, so why don’t you take your (bleep) and--- DOT: (Cutting Eminem off) ---do this? (Ropes appear from nowhere next to the sibs, who all pull them..we see slamming down on top of Mikey, Sheryl, Eminem, and the SNL cast members several SUV’s, along with a coffee bar, a New York taxicab, the cast of "Seinfeld", and, of all things, a giant anvil.) YAKKO: See? We not only used anvils for our protection against sudden ninja-thug attacks, but also made humorous social commentary! WAKKO: We did? YAKKO: OK, it was just plain humorous, then... (The crowd goes beserk at this, laughing wildly...the sibs and Axel all bow, as the audience begins chanting...however, the cast members crawl out from their pile, looking irate...several minutes later, we see the foursome being tossed out the back door of the studio....) VOICE: (From off-screen) And don’t come *back*! Well, uh, except maybe when we need the ratings boost again....(door closes) AXEL: Oh, yeah? Well, I wouldn’t want to come back on your (bleep)in’ show even if ya *paid* me! Lousy (bleep)in’ (bleep) (bleep) (ble)--- DOT: Come on, Mr. Potty-mouth...time to go prepare for your next TV appearance... (They all trudge off for their hotel room, with Axel still cursing, as we see a spinning-TV-set come towards the screen...the image is of a newsanchor for CNN....) ANCHOR: And so, thanks to the "Saturday Night Live" debacle last night of Mr. Foley and his campaign staff... (we see a clip play of the Warners dropping various objects on the cast)..."Saturday Night Live" drew its biggest ratings in the past 10 years. While Mr. Foley and his staff have been deluged with requests from the producers to make another return experience next week, win or lose in the election, so far the Detroit police detective has refused, saying that he’d rather "swallow blankety-blank broken glass instead of appearing again on that blankety-blank program". Meanwhile, the latest poll of 875 marginally likely-to-vote Michigan voters shows that while elderly women on Medicare like Axel’s talk of a "lock box" for Social Security, they disapprove of his "moral character", while 52% of those polled are "somewhat sure" they don’t trust him with the safety of the space-time continuum, and 45% of the polled voters are certain that Mr. Foley *is* the alleged harbinger of the apocalypse, though they can’t quite figure out why. Nevertheless, among the electorate polled as a whole, a whopping 35% of them now wish to vote for Mr. Foley based on his appearance on "Saturday Night Live" and his message of equal rights for anvil-wielding cartoons, with Mike Harper’s lead slipping to 62% in the polls...will Harper reshore his support? Will Mr. Foley spend election day evening sending out invitations to his swearing-in, or back to facing repetitive Shadow-Ensconsed Villains in equally-repetitive Final Confrontations™? The world, and Michigan, will soon find out... (Cut to commercials promoting an A&E Biography of the life and times of Superman...we see footage of the Superman movies, that cheesy old sixties-era Filmation cartoon of his, Mr. Mxyzptlk making statements about "ol’ Super", and a clip of Superboy eating jelly beans with the lab mice...then, cut back to the story...). (We open on the Foley campaign headquarters, only days before Election Day...the siblings all look quite excited, while Axel and the mice are concerned...) YAKKO: After that appearance on SNL, we’re *sure* to keep scoring points if we just do the same thing again on *next* week’s--- AXEL: Save it, Rin-Tin-Tin...I ain’t going back on that show in a zillion years. I’d sooner go on "Dr. (Bleep)in’ Laura"’s (bleep) show... BILLIE: Eeew.... (To Brain) Well, Eggy...what’s the plan for tonight? BRAIN: Well, Billie, tonight we appear on "Politically Indecisive"...the guests scheduled include Axel, Jennifer Elfman, and...(reads the list, and looks shocked) Of all the people--- BILLIE: Who, Eggy? BRAIN: *Mike Harper*! I suppose that loathsome congressman wishes to face us directly once more...very well, then... BILLIE: Uh...sorry, Eggy, but Pinky, the Warners and I have other plans! BRAIN: *WHAT*?! What is more important than the election? It’s mere *days* away! You should be doing nothing but sleeping, eating, and breathing politics in order to ensure that we don’t lose the lab! PINKY: But *Braaaaiiin*, it’s...*Halloween*! (Instantly, we see the Warners emerge in Halloween costumes: Wakko dressed as the Frankenstein monster, Yakko dressed as Richard Nixon, and Dot dressed as a princess...they break out into song...) WARNERS: (singing, from "Scare Happy Slappy") It’s *Halloween* and we’re on the scene, gonna fill up with can-dy ‘til we turn green! On *Halloween*, who needs *protein*?...It’s *HALLOWEEN*! PINKY: Remember, Brain? You said we could go trick-or-*treating*! BILLIE: Yeah, Eggy...I was plannin’ on goin’ as...(runs off, and returns in a dark suit with mouse-sized Ray-Bans) A *Mouse In Black*...er, no relation to that ill-fated "Mice in Pink" schtick you pulled in the comics, Eggy... BRAIN: Don’t remind me... PINKY: And *I* was gonna go as...(races off the screen, and returns dressed in a "Pokemon" costume) *Pinky-chu*! (Imitates Pikachu) "Pink-a Pink-a"! POIT! HAHAHAHAHA! BRAIN: (Shudders at this) Oh, *fine*, then...go ahead on your little oversugared junket...Axel and I can face down this Harper alone! AXEL: I dunno, I bet I could get a lot more votes *and* candy going with these guys...(snaps his fingers) which gives me an idea! Hey, ya (bleep)s...how’s about givin’ those houses you go to some campaign stuff? (Hands Wakko a sack filled with bumper stickers and pins) WAKKO: Awww..this is gonna just slow us down! We won’t be able to carry as much loot! AXEL: Quit complainin’ ....just stick it in that wacky bag... WAKKO: "Sack"... AXEL: Whatever...of yours! WAKKO: Oh, *fine*...but if it means less licorice, I’m gonna be *really* mad! (Sticks the bag down his shirt, and the trick-or-treaters all exit...) (Cut to some time later, where we see the Halloween-ers are growing tired from trudging from house to house...the mice are pulling their bags along in a wagon) WAKKO: Hmph...cheapskates! All the lights are turned off! DOT: Yeah...plus, all those people that gave us raisins, too...wonder if those "Mike Harper For Congress" signs in their lawns had anything to do with it? PINKY: Oh, I still don’t have anything...all I have is a *rock*! NARF! Um...no, wait, I put that there myself to keep my bag from blowing in the wind! BILLIE: Hmm..say, I have an idea how to speed this up, and get more stuff, guys.... (motions for the Warners to bend down to her, and she whispers into their ears...the Warners look intrigued...) DOT: Gee...could work...but I dunno...it sounds so...*abusive* of our great gifts. BILLIE: Um...beyond how much your usual gags have been abused *already*? DOT: Good point...let’s do it! WAKKO & YAKKO: RIGHT! (They all race up to the next house, and ring the doorbell...a pudgy, balding man greets the quintet...) ALL: *TRICK OR TREAT*! PINKY: Smell my feet! I just sprayed them with Brut! *NARF*! MAN: Aw, aren’t you the cutest little...(sees the sibs) ...whatevers...(puts some candy into their bags, but hears the back doorbell ringing...) Hey, gotta go...have fun! WARNERS: We will! (They snicker) (The man trudges to the back door, and opens it...he sees the sibs standing there, saying "TRICK OR TREAT"! The man puts some candy into their bags, bids them farewell, and walks back to his easy chair, before realizing that those trick-or-treaters looked awfully *familiar*...) (Cut to the sibs, who are laughing it up with the mice after they’ve done this gag on the last several dozen or so houses...) PINKY: WAHAHAHAHA! Oooh, that was *great*! That gag never gets old even the 457th time I see it, NARF! BILLIE: Yeah...and "profitable" too! (Looks at their bulging bags) DOT: Gee, that stupid gag actually has a *use*....who knew? YAKKO: Not that Harper guy... WAKKO: I’m getting tired, guys...(about to shove a big handful of candy into his mouth) BILLIE: Hey, don’t you want to x-ray that first?! WAKKO: Um...OK! (Reaches out of the frame, and pulls in none other than the Man of Steel himself...) SUPERMAN: What th----?! What am *I* doing here?!? YAKKO: You’re here for...a cheap visual pun. DOT: Well, Supes, don’t just stand there! Get to work scannin’ this stuff! (Hands him their bags of loot) SUPERMAN: (Sighs) I hate pointless cameos... (scans their bags, but pauses) Hmm...um, you didn’t happen to recall a candy apple you picked up, did you? WAKKO: Candy apple?! Where?! (Licks his lips) SUPERMAN: Well, I hate to tell you this, but, well...it’s *ticking*. YAKKO: Really? The ways they genetically modify everything these days... SUPERMAN: No, it’s going to---(Seeing it’s about to go off, he grabs the apple at superspeed from the bag, and flies up into the sky...a few moments later, it goes off, sending pieces of apple flying back to the Earth...the stick lands near the sibs, with a label reading "Mike Harper for Congress"...the sibs and mice all look at each other, as Supes comes in for a landing...) SUPERMAN: Let me guess...your political opponent’s attempting to pull some sort of assassination attempt and get rid of you through "mysterious" means, with the excuse of not knowing that campaign supporter had loaded said apple with explosives? PINKY: Uh...I just thought it was really sticky, POIT! SUPERMAN: Never mind...anyway, I’d better get going...I’ve got to make sure that Metropolis doesn’t go *too* wild in its October 31st-related festivities...(the Man of Tomorrow takes off, as the heroes wave goodbye...) DOT: We sure had a lot to learn from a hunk like that....(sighs wistfully) YAKKO: Yeah, like how low that Harper guy’s willin’ to sink to try to "get us out of the way"...with a stunt straight outta the Shadow-Ensconsed Villainy book! WAKKO: So, does this mean he’s working for someone like all those other guys? BILLIE: Maybe, Wakko...or *with* someone...but we don’t have time to figure out that right now...we’ve gotta get back to Axel and Eggy! (As the Halloweenies exit the scene, we cut to the house that handed out the explosive candy apple...we see a figure covered in shadows is annoyed by this unsuccessful assassination attempt, as he looks on at the departing ‘toons/mice with night-vision-featuring binoculars...it seems to be the same figure that Stewie was speaking to earlier...) FIGURE: Blast! They should’ve perished...if not for the efforts of that wretched superhero! Oh, how I’ve come to hate his ilk...well, no matter...pulling such anonymous assassination attempts probably aren’t for the best, anyway...let’s just hope for Mr. Griffin and my sake that Mr. Harper pulls through within the next week...which reminds me, he should be on "Politically Indecisive" right now... (heads inside) (As we cut away from this oh-so-mysterious Shadow-Ensconsed Villain/Stewie’s "silent partner", we cut to the studios of "Politically Indecisive" in New York...we see the host of the show, Bill Marred, walk onto the stage...) BILL: Hey, there...I’m Bill Marred, and welcome to another rousing intellectual debate! Joining us will be....Michigan independent candidate for the House of Representatives, Axel Foley...his opponent, incumbent Representative Mike Harper, Axel’s campaign manager Brain Cheney, and from TV’s "Dharma and Greg", Jennifer Elfman! (We see all the debaters come out onto the stage, and sit in their chairs...) OK, now that you’re all here, let’s begin....now, I understand one key issue is the whole flap about Axel having been the... (squints at the poor handwriting on his note cards) "hairbringer" of the "Apokolips"...can you tell us why you were playing hairdresser for an evil overlord to a comic-book alternate dimension? AXEL: OK, first of all, I wasn’t playin’ Little Miss Homemaker...it was a minor "transgression" in my "youth". I’m over it now, I assure you... BILL: Sure you are, Axel. C’mon...you really expect the press to ignore your various "transgressions" as mere "youthful exuberance"? You were well into your thirties when all of your heinous deeds against your now-campaign-staff-workers happened...I mean, only a year ago, it says here you stole some sort of time machine and wreaked havoc in some future year... AXEL: HEY! Lay the (bleep) off me! You media (blee)--um, guys are all the same! I should know, since I work *in* the media... HARPER: Speaking of which...how do you plan on keeping up your movie appearances while voting on vital pieces of legislation? I mean, you can’t be in two places at once...of course, when I’m elected, such space-time distortion prohibitiveness *will* be a literal matter-of-law... AXEL: Well, I’ll just take some time off and send one of those absentee votes...y’know, like how all you incumbents keep takin’ time off for those zillion-dollar-a- plate dinners, or dedicatin’ some sewer pipe in Podunkville, Texas, or the like...besides, I’ve also worked in law enforcement....before you even get to bashin’ my experience and education credentials, I just wanted to mention that. HARPER: Please...your credentials are of the same caliber of police education as that "academy" those Warners went to for those violence-inducing police missions...why should the public trust someone who’s only been a police detective in some Rust Belt city over someone with actual political experience like *myself*? JENNIFER ELFMAN: Beats me...um, wanna see me stand on my head? It’s really *groovy*! (Does so...) BILL: Cute, Jen... BRAIN: I concur with Ms. Elfman’s assessment of her physical skills, but as for Mr. Harper’s question, I’ll field that one. Now then, while Mr. Foley might not be the most well-educated candidate, I have to admit that no matter what the job involves, he gets it done. He’s learned from the streets of life...the school of hard knocks... BILL: Feh...you really believe that, Brain? Or are you just so desperate to get him elected, you’re willing to say anything to make it so? BRAIN: Well, I admit that this election concerns me in more ways than one...hence my support! Besides, while Axel might have his own..."unique"...personality traits, through all the time I’ve known him, he’s been an effective officer at his job. That, despite his lack of education or intellectual sophistication, is one reason for my support of his candidacy. AXEL: Yeah, Brain here’s got a point, Harper. I’ve seen how ugly things can get in the streets, Mr. Harper...what ugliness have *you* seen? I mean...(shakes his head) I don’t even want to go *into* some of the stuff I’ve seen. Makes even *me* shudder. But you know why I keep punchin’ the clock at the station all the time? Because, tossin’ aside all the jokes, I think I’m makin’ a difference. More than you’re doin’ sitting around smokin’ them cigars or playin’ golf or whatever it is you’re doin’ on the taxpayers’ dime... JENNIFER ELFMAN: Oooh, the blood’s rushing to my *head*... HARPER: How *dare* you! I have much more abilities to handle this job than *you* have...you and that team of "staff" of yours...and your questionable "fund-raising"... AXEL: I’ll have you know that I’m plannin’ to make that "staff" of mine my *office* staff once I’m elected! BRAIN: (Whispering to Axel) Psst! Stick-to-the-script! Remember: tax cuts...education...health care... AXEL: (Whispering) Sorry, but he’s insulted my *skills*! My *being*! I’m not takin’ that lyin’ down! (To Harper) Hear that, Harper? Those "puppy kids" are gonna help me run things! I mean, they could use the work... (Cut to the sibs, with the mice at their campaign HQ watching this on TV...they’re eating the candy from their earlier outing. The sibs are shocked by this proposal of Axel’s...) WAKKO: Whoa...*us*? In *Washington*?! DOT: There’s a thought...wonder if they’ll survive? WAKKO: Wonder if the *country* will survive? YAKKO: At least it’s permanent work, guys...until Axel blows it all and gets impeached or somethin’... WAKKO: Faboo! DOT: Plus, think of all the people unexposed to our "uniqueness" in Washington! (Pauses) I call spin-doctor to Axel’s speech-writing! WAKKO: Aw, I wanted that...can’t you cover up Axel’s stupid mistakes instead? I’ve still got some good movie speeches left! DOT: Sorry, but I called first! WAKKO: Hmph... (Back to the show...) AXEL: Look, I’m speakin’ from the heart, here...I mean what I say. JENNIFER ELFMAN: (Still standing on her head) A *politician* honest?! What a shocking thought...(falls over) Ow...my nose. HARPER: Well, I say to you, Mr. Foley, that you’d best step up your campaign. *Fast*. In you and those toons’ words, the "Final Confrontation™" known as Election Day is coming...you’d better hope the votimg electorate of Michigan are more forgiving than *I* am. AXEL: Of course they will! Look, folks at home, I’ll lay this down on ya. I represent inclusiveness...personal liberty...freedom of speech to say whatever the (bleep) ya want...(we hear patriotic music swell up in the background, as an American flag drops down behind him) Axel Foley might not be perfect, but I *do* promise to do whatever it takes to make sure that everyone will receive a fair shake, "little Jimmys" won’t have to go to school without cutting-edge cybernetic robot technology, and that health care will be available for all. I mean, do you really want to vote for someone like *him*? (Points at Harper) Sure, he comes off as charming, but this isn’t a *beauty contest*, folks---this is the future of our nation! BRAIN: (Completely shocked, his mouth hanging open) Axel’s actually being...*verbal*?!? AXEL: I mean, if ya want someone "charismatic" and "charming" elected to public office over someone with actual *experience* and know-how on how the world works, I suggest you vote for Bill Cosby or someone...I mean, Mr. Harper, you still haven’t even told us who’s funding your campaign! For all we know, it could be your *daddy* who’s doin’ it! HARPER: Now hold on...sure, my father helped me get into this office...and got me into that nice expensive college with only a C- grade point average and an essay on the virtues of "comparison shopping fraternities"...and shelled out for my *first* few campaigns for local offices...but he’s *not* funding *this* effort! (Stands up, proudly) I’m my *own man* this time, folks! (Looks nervous) Um...wait... AXEL: Ha! What I figured! Meanwhile, folks, I represent grassroots campaignin’! Like my associate Brain here...or those Warners I hired! OK, I’m not sayin’ you have to vote for me or anything...vote for whoever the (bleep) you want...but just make sure you *do* vote, and while I’d prefer it was for me, I just hope you all choose whoever it is that you feel best represents our great state of Michigan. Thank you. (The patriotic music builds to a crescendo, as the flag behind Axel is raised back up...the audience applauds.) (Cut to an undecided voter in Michigan, who’s holding two brochures, one promoting Al Gore and one promoting Ralph Nader...lying in front of him is a brochure promoting George W. Bush...) UNDECIDED VOTER: Gee, first the Gore supporters told me that a "vote for Nader is a vote for Bush" and that I’ll be "throwing my vote away" and "give the whole election to Bush"...then the Nader people told me that a "vote for Nader is a vote for Nader" and nothing more or less... then the Bush supporters said that Bush represents "change", and that this is a battleground state, with any vote for Bush possibly being a fundamental decision-maker in the election...now that nice Mr. Foley person says I should "vote for whoever the (bleep) I want"...um...uh...(looks panicked) Can’t...decide...can’t...*decide*... (Screams in panic and runs out the room...) (Cut to after the program, where we see a reporter...) REPORTER: ...and here’s the latest poll reports...from an ABC/Disney/Marcie’s Beauty Shop of Saginaw, Michigan poll, the latest analysis of 700 panicked, screaming, undecided Michigan votrers showed that before they ran off screaming over the presidential choices, Axel Foley’s ratings have shot up tremendously, all the way to 47%! Meanwhile, Mike Harper’s indecisive response to where he’s receiving his campaign fund sources from and the revelation that his father literally got him where he is today sent his popularity plummeting to 53%...with a 4% margin of error, this puts both candidates at a statistical *tie*...this election’s so close that it could go either way...will Harper be merely polishing the name on his door come the day after the elections, or will Mr. Foley literally become the "Distinguished Gentleman"? Will the public see him as the "Golden Child"...or merely another actor "Doolittle"? The world...awaits. From New York, good night. (Zoom out to a scene of various people, including a jubilant Foley and Brain, leaving the studio...however, all is not jubilant for a certain incumbent senator, as we see, inside his car, he’s on the horn with his infantile cohort once more...) HARPER: (Speaking into a cell phone) Hmph...that’s right. That foul-mouthed jerk’s managed to put me in a *dead heat*! (Listens to Stewie) You’re (bleep)in’ right I’m *mad*! I expected more *help* from you! Just what the (bleep) are you *doing*, anyway?! (Cut to Stewie...we see he’s having his diaper changed by Peter Griffin) STEWIE: Oh, well, I’m...uh...incapacitated at the moment. But I can assure you... HARPER: That you’ll try *harder* at getting that Axel person out of the race? STEWIE: Indeed..no need for the snide tone, Mr. Harper...remember who’s providing your funding... HARPER: Indeed...a lot of good that’s going to do now! Now what the heck am I supposed to do?! STEWIE: You’ll just have to campaign *HARD*...be ruthless! Hit him where it hurts! Meanwhile, I’ll try to increase your funding as much as possible...by the time we’re done, no one in Michigan will be able to look both ways without seeing the words "Harper"! And once you’re elected, my revenge shall be at *HAND*! HARPER: Of course...good night, my youthful partner. Remember to thank your anonymous funding source for me. STEWIE: I will, I will. (Hangs up) Hmm...I must work harder at increasing funds to Harper, so that he can put the kibosh on that large-headed rat that bested me...(grows annoyed) What th---?! You *imbecile*! I’m not an office memorandum! (We see that Peter’s paper-clipped his diaper on) PETER: I couldn’t find a safety pin, so I used this...works well, huh? (Stupid laugh) Especially since we *all* *know* you’re a *FREAK*! (Stupid laugh again, but doesn’t get very far, as Stewie’s whipped out a ray gun and fired it at Peter, freezing him solid.) STEWIE: Thank goodness...we’ll not be hearing any more from *him* until this bloody election’s come and gone. Now then, to *work*....and *TO VICTORY*! (We see Stewie shift his eyes back and forth, before running off...) (Fade to commercials, consisting of attack ads from candidates for the 35th district dogcatcher’s assistant...then cut back to the "story"...) (We open back on Axel’s campaign HQ, now looking a bit more well-run...inside, we see the campaign staff answering phones...off to the side, we see Axel march into the room, looking |