| A Very Wakko Thanksgivingby: Brainatra, Captain Caps, and Dr. BELCH
---- (Open with a swirling kaleidoscope image of the Warners' faces, all in different, multiple colors..."bubbling" clarinet music set to the A!-theme plays in the background....) ANNOUNCER: The following fanfic is brought to you *in living color*, on the WBC Story Board!(The image finally forms itself into a coherent pattern of the sibs' faces, with their coloring reverting to normal, as the clarinet music hits a crescendo...) (Cut into the actual story... iris in on Axel Foley's Detroit apartment, at night. Dressed in a white T-shirt and polka-dotted boxers, The Main Man himself is sweating and mumbling in his bed. Per his gained political role in "Mr. Foley Goes to Washington", we see various papers on a dresser near the bed reading: "URGENT! Cast Vote On This *BEFORE* Heading Back to Detroit For Thanksgiving Congressional Break"...) AXEL: The hammer? Why'd you use the (bleep)ing hammer? Put it down! Put It Down! PUT IT DOWN! NOW! NO! OH NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (BLEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP)! (Axel jolts out of his nightmare. His eyes are red and dilated. We can see a scar on his left cheek. He gasps for air.) I'm....ALIVE! It was all a dream! Space, the Valley Girls, the Mobsters, that demented drug-dealer's daughter...It was all a sick dream!* Heh-heh-heh...Hokey smokes, that was terrible! I need a pot of coffee! (* - Actually, more like the apparently-yet-to-be-finished chainlink "Spaced-Out Warners" that Axel's referring to.... ---Brainatra, editor) (We see a small montage, set to a slow piano-and-saxophone styling of the "Animaniacs" version of the "Beverly Hills Cop" theme . Axel puts on some coffee, mis-accessorizes in a pair of white pants to get his morning paper, gets a pastry from "Duncan's Donuts" (with a picture of Dexter "Freakazoid" Douglas' muscle-head brother on the sign), and hops on an elevator to get back to his apartment. He looks at his paper, and notices the headline "Thanksgiving:The Official Start of the Holiday Season Just A Week Away". He lets out a smile as above his head we see him eating a large meal with his large family (who look like The Klumps from "The Nutty Professor"). As Axel enters his apartment, the music changes to "Over The River and Through The Woods" as used in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special.) AXEL: I'll have to round up my family this year. It'll be great fun to see Mom, Dad and the rest of the family. I'll need to buy and make the turkey, though. (Thinks) Hmm... (Shakes his head at the thought of cooking) Oh, (bleep)! With any luck, I can just order Italian and Chinese! (Cut to a mouth emitting a loud belch. We zoom out and we see that it's Wakko Warner behind the burp.) YAKKO: Pepto-Bismol? WAKKO: Sure! (Wakko swallows it, bottle and all) MMM...Dee-lish! DOT: Well, pretty soon, it'll be turkey time! YAKKO: What, Warner Brothers is releasing a new movie? DOT: Thanksgiving, silly! Let's see what suggestions Martha Stewart has! YAKKO: Helloooooooo, Ms. "Good Thing"! (Yakko turns on their television set.) MARTHA STEWART: And that's how to make stuffing out of apples, wheat bread and cake frosting! Next, we'll be talking about... (The signal breaks and is replaced by...) HYPERACTIVE ANNOUNCER (sounds like Mr. Plotz, but 30 years younger): Get a jump on your Christmas shopping! Be sure to pick up the items your kids love right now, or they'll turn on you when they're older. We've got the newest cartoon merchandise from Japan, Fisher-Price Action Hero dolls, and the new Britney Spears CD! Plus more Pokemon! So forget about Thanksgiving. Who likes eating turkey and cranberry sauce, when you could be munching on candy canes and hot chocolate? Get a jump on your Christmas shopping instead! (The TV shuts off, thanks to Yakko's wielding of the remote....) DOT: What the heck was that?! YAKKO: Aaaahhh, sounds like another pathetic, crassly greedy attempt at subverting yet another holiday in the name of profit and power. Either that, or "Lucky" and "Safeway" have *major* problems with Turkey Day. WAKKO: No Thanksgiving stuff on sale?! But I want to eat turkey! YAKKO: Great! First it was Christmas...and now, *this*. Well, there's only one thing to do! (Cut back to Detroit. Axel is hanging pictures of turkeys around his apartment, when his phone rings.) AXEL: (As he picks up) Hello? WAKKO: Helloooo, foul-mouth! AXEL: Oh no, not you! What do you want? YAKKO: Aaaahhh, just turn on your TV, OK? Trust me on this... (hangs up) (Cut back to the TV set some time later...we see a barrage of Christmas-related images, interspersed with clips of various Pokemon characters....an announcer's voice is then heard:) ANNOUNCER: On Wednesday---Wednesday---*WEDNESDAY*---tune in to the most massive, spectacular parade ever hosted! Live from Los Angeles, it’s the first annual CHRISTMAS WEEK PARADE! As part of a week’s worth of massive Christmas-related festivities (a brief graphic of the various sponsors of the parade’s logos are shown) this will be the most massive, phenomenal, biggest parade in *HISTORY*! (Shots of some of the floats to be shown are seen---all themed around Pikachu, "Smallville" (some guy with ordinary street clothes and a tag reading "Clark Kent: NOT Superboy"), "Yu-Gi-Oh", "Dragonball Z", various other anime shows, a giant AOL startup disk, and others....) Carried live on the WB, NBC, CNN, PDQ, ASAP, and a few other acronym networks we haven’t thought of or bought out yet, what other way to kick-start your Christmas spending---er, shopping, into overdrive! Wednesday! Accompanied on the WB by a week-long, round-the-clock "Christmas Week" episode marathon: all your favorite holiday shows like "A Very Special Poke-Christmas", "A Very Special Yu-Gi-Oh Hanukkah", and others ---*don’t miss it!!* (We see the ad end with a shot of Pikachu with crudely-inserted graphics of Santa Claus’ beard/clothes slapped over him, with a few "pika-pika"’s being heard. Cut back to the sibs watching this in their water tower, all looking quite shocked.) YAKKO: Ick. WAKKO: Ack. DOT: Uck. (Her sibs stare at her) Hey, what can I say? Had to make up a new word for this---thing.... YAKKO: Suppose this’ll affect our Turkey Day celebration much at all? (Wakko changes channels, to find Dan Blather giving a newscast....) DAN: Good evening.....tonight, we view the near-forgotten stature of the holiday called....er, um... (checks his notes) ah, yes, Thanksgiving. Once a year, we’d normally anticipate the scarfing down of massive amounts of turkey, followed by collapsing on the couch to watch a football game. However, in recent years, the Christmas rush has steadily been pushed back earlier and earlier, all but overshadowing Thanksgiving---*almost*. However, one company hopes to change this "almost" to "not at all". (We see a picture of Plotz show up on an inset screen behind Dan) I’m speaking with one Thaddeus Plotz, CEO of Warner Bros....Mr. Plotz, could you tell us what exactly this "Christmas Week" promotion will hope to accomplish? PLOTZ: Certainly....as you know, the Christmas sales season is the biggest sales period of the year for us mega-corporations. However, Thanksgiving, that one-day, low-cost day of the year never did make us much money: having to give workers the day off, nothing to merchandise, no cutesy "Thanksgiving Day Songs" or anything....feh! So, us CEO boys got together over some martinis at the country club, and hammered out between tennis sets *this*: "Christmas Week"---an effort designed to completely eliminate the profit-making interference that Thanksgiving poses! It’ll overshadow the day to the point that it may as well not even *exist*! And of course, by said day off for workers still being there, they can spend the time and money for a whole *day* at department stores for "Christmas Week" sales---it’s a win-win situation all around! HA! DAN: And it does seem to be succeeding---already, Americans seem to be thinking about what to spend their hard-earned dollars on in terms of materialistic presents, more than what type of stuffing to serve. Even supermarkets are reporting an emphasis on waiting until close to Christmas Day to put turkey, cranberry sauce, and other traditional Thanksgiving goodies on sale for reduced prices... WAKKO: (Screaming) NO! FOR ALL THAT’S HOLY----AAAAAAHHHHH! YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, everything all right there, Wakko? Haven’t seen you react like that since they cancelled "Charlie’s Angels".... WAKKO: Sorry---but no cheap turkeys?! No cheap macaroni and cheese shells?! No discounts on bread rolls or sweet potato pie or....or....(sobs a bit more). DOT: There, there, Wakko....I’m sure it’ll be all right. I mean, it can’t get much worse.... (Suddenly, we hear a knock on the water tower door....Dot opens it, and we see standing outside are the Brain, Billie, Pinky, and Axel Foley. All look quite annoyed.) DOT: Whoa....three mice and a vice.... AXEL: "Vice"? DOT: If that mouth of yours is anything, it’s a "vice".... though I hear there’s a program to help you break from that habit. AXEL: (Bleep) you, ya little---whatever-you-are! We don’t have time for this! BRAIN: Indeed...we came about Plotz’s plans for this---- "Christmas Week"----*thing*! PINKY: NARF! BRAIN: Indeed....basically, this "Week" would interfere with my latest plan to take over the world! DOT: And that plan would be...? BRAIN: (With "spooky" music playing) As everyone knows, the time after a heavy Thanksgiving meal is usually spent by millions lying on the couch in a mentally and physically dazed stupor, after a meal laden with turkey, stuffing, pumpkin and sweet potato pie, and so forth, watching football! The combination of such calorie-laden foodstuffs, the mind-numbing nature of American football, and the usual consumption of various beverages, intoxicating or not, will leave those viewers in a prime state for mental suggestion! At the halftime of a nationally televised football game, I will make an appearance and give a manifesto urging these viewers to make me supreme ruler, thereby allowing me to take over the world! PINKY: NAAAARF... DOT: And so, this "Christmas Week" thing would run mega-interference with all that, huh? BRAIN: Y-E-E-S! That is why we want to assist... AXEL: And I’m here since I was told that this thing means there won’t be any Thanksgiving food on sale for dirt cheap! Do you know how much my family eats?! I’m not gonna go broke trying to buy some (bleep) turkey and sweet potatoes! DOT: Gee, and I thought you’d be busy holding up any worthwhile social progress in D.C., but I guess you really *are* a sweet mama’s boy at heart.... (pinches Axel’s cheek, which snaps back, with Axel cursing in pain) YAKKO: Hey, why don’t ya hit up some of those megacorporate donors for some cash? I’m sure after how much cash they’ve blown lobbying you to kill all those bills, a few more bucks won’t hurt... AXEL: (BLEEP)! I did *not* kill a bunch of bills---- DOT: ---too often, anyway. AXEL: Shut up! Besides, I only did that---- (counts on his fingers, and mentally...) WARNERS: *Well*? AXEL: (Annoyed) Er, *never mind*! Besides, you (bleep)s won’t get to take it too easy in all this either! BILLIE: While coming here, we overheard some studio exec talking about a promo for this involving you guys... WARNERS: Uh-oh. BILLIE: Yeah....it basically involves all of you guys running around in cheap-looking elf costumes and singing Kids’ WB action show-themed Christmas songs with Baloney the dinosaur and about a gazillion Pokemon.... WARNERS: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! YAKKO: That’s it! (Yakko pulls out three suitcases and hands one of each to his sibs) There’s no alternative! We’ve got to save....Thanksgiving! (Dum-dum-duuuummm....) DOT: Beats saving *Arbor Day*, I guess... let's get yet another wacky, fun-filled fan fiction adventure started. YAKKO: That's the spirit! Don't let the risk of this turning into another repetitive, pointless waste of bandwidth as past stories get in the way! DOT: (Flatly) I'll try not to let it do so... (Cut to a few moments later, as the group is walking along the street outside the studio lot...) BRAIN: I suppose coming up with some sort of plan is in order....let’s see....how to prevent the public from falling sway to this corporate propaganda, so that they’ll fall sway to *my* propaganda...hmm.... PINKY: Um, will this involve running around and gathering enough wacky, funny, silly-willy characters to re-stage the Normandy landing with all sorts of funny, zany repetitive jokes and ninja-thug fight scenes and stuff like that? HAHAHAHA! BRAIN: (Annoyed) *Certainly not*! (To the sibs, before they say anything) And if any of you even *think* of stopping at a certain restaurant while on this mission, you’ll all regret it! WAKKO: Aww, c’mon.... BRAIN: *No*. DOT: But we’ll be your best friend! BRAIN: (Shudders) Still *no*. Instead, we shall be going to much finer eating facilities...anything at an Olive Gardener level on up only! WAKKO: (Disappointed) *Olive Gardener*?! The place where the food takes a whole *20* minutes to arrive?! I can’t wait that long! BRAIN: Well, *tough*. Now let’s get going before we wind up attracting the obligatory gargantuan cast of worthless characters for this thing... DOT: No kidding.... (Cut to Plotz, who’s in his board room with Lydia Karaoke and various other CEO’s is seen gloating over sales figure projections from all this....) PLOTZ: I love it, *love it*! We’re gonna be rich rich *rich*....uh, rich-er. LYDIA KARAOKE: Lovely, sir....but there’s one snag: Ralph the guard reports that for those promos you want to make, we’re missing one thing... PLOTZ: What’s that? LYDIA: The Warners. Those naughty kids were seen bailing from the studio lot again, with that potty-mouthed policeman-turned-congressman and those laboratory mice in tow. PLOTZ: (Worried) Oh, no---they’re gonna try to destroy my
wonderful, wonderful plan like they did in that Christmas plan-thingy! Ohhh... (sucks his
thumb in panic, but sees the others staring at him, and yanks it out.) (Sternly) OK----any
means for *how* we can stop them before they mess things up for us *again*?!? (Plotz looks at a monitor...we see on it is some sort of robotic figure....) PLOTZ: Hey! That looks like... LYDIA: Yes, I know....we *were* going to create an all-new, original, and creatively different robot, but at the last minute, the other execs and I decided just to recycle an old idea under the excuse of a "creative re-interpretation" motif. So, we bring you----*GRIFFINO*! (We see on the screen that it is indeed Griffino, the evil android creation of Stewie Griffin from "Warner Academy 2", on the screen, all primed to go....) LYDIA: Reinforced with triple-titanium shielding, and lacking any visible wires or tubes to snip or fray, it’ll take out and bring back those naughty cartoon children quickly and easily, and lock them back in their little yellow water tower! And, thanks to recycling an old robot, we didn’t have to spend much money to use it! PLOTZ: Er, where did you get it? It looks a lot like something from one of our competitors.... LYDIA: We bought it at some family’s yard sale in Rhode Island for $5....some intelligent baby with a football-shaped head was selling it to raise money for "his evil scheme for totalitarian conquest of Earth and ‘Rugrats’ videos".... PLOTZ: Brilliant! We’ll write the purchase amount off on next year’s taxes as a "charitable contribution to minors"! Dispatch this "Griffino" at once.... (sinister laughter) (And as Plotz and company prepare to recycle lame old ideas in an all-too-typical corporate-minded manner, we cut back to our heroes. As we see them round a corner, to find that they apparently won’t be spared from the fate of too many extraneous characters after all, for they see....) PINKY: (Gasps; excited) It’s Fred Flintstone and his best friend Barney Rubble! NAAAARF! (Sure enough, it’s none other than Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble of the "Flintstones" fame, standing next to Fred’s car and looking over a newspaper) FRED: Can’t believe the nerve of those Warner Bros. guys.... BARNEY: Yeah, no kidding... (The gang walks up) BRAIN: At the risk of taking on our first extraneous bunch of characters, is something wrong? FRED: You bet there is, pal! Just got off the horn with Plotz, and got told that a Thanksgiving Day marathon on Cartoon Network of our old shows is bein’ pre-empted for a marathon of Christmas-oriented "Dragonball Z" episodes! (Annoyed) WHAT THE HECK’S A "DRAGONBALL Z", SOME KINDA JOUSTING CONTEST THING? BRAIN: Trust me, you don’t want to know.... FRED: Boy, 40 years of entertainment service and we get knocked aside for some show even less well animated than we were. (Rubs his forehead) If only Mr. Barbara were still here.... DOT: Well, we are! And we’re gonna try to get the public to get back to a more Thanksgiving frame of mind! (Wakko holds a picture frame up over his head) FRED: Yeah? How’s that? BRAIN: We’re not sure...but "getting the public back in that frame of mind" might be the trick! WAKKO: (Holding up a deck of cards) Here, pick a card! (Wiggles his eyebrows) (Fred does so, but Dot smacks it away; an explosion’s heard off-screen) DOT: Don’t bother...we don’t have time for this right now. BRAIN: If we were to encourage the public through some sort of reminders of the Thanksgiving elements they loved the most, we could easily turn the tide away from this Christmas commercialism onslaught and ruin Plotz’s scheme! YES! PINKY: Egad, brilliant Brain! Oh, no, wait, no---how will we do that? BRAIN: We could travel around the country to various key places and try to encourage a change in attitude! But the key will be thwarting the "Christmas Week" parade on Wednesday that Plotz is using to try to thwart all this! Football games, shopping malls, and supermarkets should be our key areas of focus of our efforts.... DOT: I dunno, Brain....we don’t have any pirate radio stations or police badges or anything! We’re just a bunch of crazy, lovable cartoon characters! AXEL: Speak for yourself.... DOT: ...that, and a politician---which in itself is probably another knock against us. (Axel mutters to himself) Besides, how will we get the media’s attention if they’re all running Christmas commercial stuff?! Especially with that parade being next Wednesday---a week away! BRAIN: Well, we must try anyway! Encouraging the public to keep true to its Thanksgiving roots is the only hope for my world domination goal---er, *our* goals! FRED: And Barney and I are willin’ to help! BARNEY: Yeah....besides, with how much Fred eats, we need all the cheap groceries we can get! (Does his trademark chuckle) FRED: Droll, Barney, very droll... (to the others) C’mon! My car awaits! (Pan over to see Fred jerking his thumb towards the Flintstone-mobile....the others look at this oddly.) DOT: Great....and to think I’ve been having nightmares about that "FlintWarners" fanfic thing we did.... YAKKO: Still? DOT: Unfortuantely. (Everyone gets into Fred’s car, and Fred does the Flintstones feet-starter thing. The car takes off down the road....) (Cut to the open road, where we see Fred’s car wind its way down the highway, with Fred at the wheel, Barney and the lab mice in the front seat, and the Warners and Axel in the back. The car radio is playing rock music (natch), specifically "R-O-C-K In the U.S.A."; Yakko is playing with his paddleballs, Dot is reading a copy of "Vague" magazine, Wakko sticks his head out the back "window", and the mice are going over Brain’s plans (with Pinky humming the "Flintstones" theme song and giggling intermittently). Axel, though, looks quite displeased.) AXEL: (Annoyed) (BLEEP) this! What do I look like, a (bleep)in’ V6 engine?! My (bleep) feet are (bleep)in’ killin’ me! This is a pain in the (bleep)in’ (bleep)---runnin’ down the (bleep) road like some sort of (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)! (Looks at the sibs) (BLEEP)! Why aren’t you (bleep)s helpin’ out here?! YAKKO: (With his feet resting on the top of the front seat) Aaaaahhhh.....I did this bit already. Remember that "FlintWarners" fanfic? DOT: (Sitting in a folded, "Indian-style" position) Oh, well, I had to read this engaging article on Celine Deon’s makeup skills... AXEL: Feh.... (The radio changes to play Richard Stone-orchestrated music....) BRAIN: (Also slightly disturbed) I must concur with Axel’s motor-related comment---just *how* are we able to obtain such a fair rate of speed when I can’t find any visible means of motorized propulsion? PINKY: Oh, um, lessee....(hums the Flintstones' theme song) "da da...da da da dah....let’s ride with the family down the street, through the---" Oh, right, Brain, it’s "through the courtesy of Fred’s two feet"! POIT! HAHAHA! BRAIN: (Slightly annoyed) How grossly unscientific...the fastest humans on Earth can only attain speeds between 25 and 30 miles per hour....besides, we’ve managed to go over hills with not much hassle... AXEL: (Rubbing one of his feet) Speak for yourself, shorty... BRAIN: ...so there must be something else this car is running on. BILLIE: Uh....fossil fuel? (She giggles, as does Pinky) BRAIN: (Rolling his eyes) Very well, then... (The music on the radio now changes to play a Sly and the Family Stone song...get the gag by now, folks?) BILLIE: Well, they did fill up for gas on occasion on the old "Flintstones" show....though I guess their cars are more actually like mopeds rather than completely human powered.... BARNEY: Uh, beats me....I’m no mechanic! Usually I just hit the side of our TV set when the picture gets all fuzzy! (Chuckles) YAKKO: (Stops playing with his paddleballs) Speaking of Flintstones mysteries, how come when you guys hit the "brakes" your legs never got torn off? FRED: (Startled) Well, gee, I.... WAKKO: And how can you guys celebrate Christmas when you live in prehistoric times, before Christ’s birth? FRED: (Startled) Er.... BRAIN: As long as they’re asking questions, how can dinosaurs and cavepeople co-exist when the dinosaurs died out approximately 63 million years before the earliest humans even first appeared? FRED: Well---- PINKY: And how did you train all those fun-fun, silly willy animals to be showers and record players and washing machines and stuff? DOT: And did you have to clean up after all those animals, or were they all potty-trained? YAKKO: And how old *is* Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm right now? One series they’re 1, the next series, they’re 16, then they’re 20-something, married and with kids of their own, then the following special, back to babies! And Brain says that *we* abuse the space-time continuum.... WAKKO: And how come you don’t use dinosaurs or animals to power your cars when you use them for everything else? DOT: How does it feel to have your record for number of seasons
in primetime for an animated show broken by the "Simpsons" and then some? WAKKO: Do you think that Homer Simpson’s shaded area around his mouth is just a ripoff of your mouth’s? DOT: Who’s cuter, Maggie Simpson or Pebbles? PINKY: How come Bamm-Bamm had super-strength? Was he from Krypton? BILLIE: Did the Rubbles ever look for Bamm-Bamm’s original parents? YAKKO: Is the "Flintstone Kids" canonical? WAKKO: How can Mr. Slate have been a "Kid" when he seemed way older than you are? BILLIE: Did Wilma’s lipstick ever smudge or come off? YAKKO: Can we meet that Schleprock guy when we're through? DOT: Why did you guys team up with the Shmoo and the Thing? YAKKO: Why weren't you in "Laff-a-Lympics"? (Pats Fred's stomach) Oh, *never mind*.... PINKY: Why were you always asking Wilma to "cook your dinner before you got home" on the original show? Didn’t you have any TV dinners or pizza delivery? POIT! WAKKO: What do bronto burgers taste like? Chicken? DOT: Why do you always quit your job to go on half-baked schemes that never work, only to return by the end of the show? PINKY: How come everything on your show had the word "rock" or "stone" or "sand" or something in its name? BILLIE: What was it like going to work every day knowing your boss could change appearance and/or names with every other episode? Or for that matter, the name of your workplace? WAKKO: Where did Barney work at on the old show, anyway? I guess he works with you at the gravel pit now, but what was he doing on the old show? DOT: Maybe he was working at McDonald’s™---excuse me, "Rock Donalds"... YAKKO: Speaking of that pun name, how’d you live down the humiliation based on your show that were those two "Flintstones" movies? DOT: Did Jackie Gleason ever try to sue you over your ripping off stuff from the "Honeymooners" so blatantly? WAKKO: You met the Jetsons, but how come you haven’t met the Simpsons? PINKY: Do you think your show really "jumped the shark" once they added that "Great Gazoo" guy? POIT! WAKKO: Where can I get some of that giant food you guys always had? (Licks his lips) BILLIE: How *did* you grow food that large, anyway? Some sort of genetic engineering? BRAIN: I’d like to know why you used animals for various gadgetry when you apparently had electricity, seeing as how your television sets worked much like conventional, modern-day ones... (Everyone starts jabbering all at once, asking more and more questions and debating the already-asked ones....we see Fred grow more and more irate, until he’s finally almost had it) FRED: (Highly annoyed) All right, ALL RIGHT! Stop asking me---I didn’t write the show, OK? Ask those hack writers of ours! I just lived there! (The car falls silent, save for the radio (now playing "Stone Temple Pilots" music---yep, stretchin’ this joke for all it’s worth, folks)....finally, Dot speaks up) DOT: Say, Fred---if you’re getting *some* exercise by all this driving through the "courtesy of your two feet", then how come you’re still so fat? Is it those bronto burgers or what? (Fred slams on the "brakes", pulling the car to a stop. He turns around, now completely irate) FRED: (Irate) OUT! *OUT*! ALL OF YOU! O-W-T, OUT!!!! BARNEY: Aw, gee, Fred, lighten up---they were only curious.... FRED: (Irate) CURIOUS, NOTHING---THEY’RE ACTING LIKE THEY’RE FROM THE FBI OR SOMETHING! WAKKO: (Looking saddened) But we were only curious....please, don’t make us get out! DOT: Yeah... we have to save Thanksgiving! FRED: Oh, yeah? Give me one good reason why I should let you stay?! YAKKO: (Pointing to something off-screen) Aaaahhhhh....well, that’s a good reason.... (They all turn to look at what Yakko’s pointing to, and gasp....it turns out to be 3 gunmen dressed in black. We hear "This Is Not America" by David Bowie, playing in the background. the first one, in a demonic voice, is the speaker of the group) GUNMAN 1: My name is Seth. I come to kill. You're (bleep)ing with Plotz's plans. You must be destroyed. AXEL: AAAAAA...Yeah, right! SETH: You don't believe me? Well, discuss that with Saint Peter. You and him will make great friends. (With this, he whips out a Saturday Night Special and launches a shot to Axel) AXEL: (Bleep)! How come it's the human element that has to die? Hold on! (A thought cloud appears above Axel's head. We see him take a bullet to the mouth, only to chew it up and spit it back out in a hail, a la "Weird" Al Yankovic in "UHF". He then looks at us as if to say "That can't happen. I'm only going halfway". With this, Axel opens his mouth to catch the bullet. He falls down as a fakery, but this manages to fool Pinky) PINKY: Axel? AXEL, WAKE UP! What did those mean people do to you? POIT! (Axel rests for a few more seconds, then opens his eyes and smiles at Pinky) WARNERS: (Facing us) Darn! We thought we were rid of him for good! (Axel spits the bullet into a garbage can, then runs over to the gunmen. He karate-chops each of them, and gives them pokes to the eyes, like the Three Stooges. Seth ends up so blinded, he shoots himself and his fellow gunmen in the feet.) SETH: Okay! I give up, but mark my words! I will be back, and you will regret it! Put down the guns, boys, and let's rest in the car! (As Seth the Gunman and his cronies head to the car, Axel gets some applause from the others.) FRED: (Laughing) With any luck, those gunmen won't return! YAKKO: Don't bet on it, Mr. "Man Called Flintstone". Now, presuming that nothing else is going on right now, let's go to the deli, figure out our plans, and get some sandwiches. PINKY: Can't we go to M*ckey---(Pinky is thwapped on the head by Brain) BRAIN: NO! (Cut to an Olive Gardener restaurant, a fine mid-priced chain dining establishment with cloth napkins and nary a "kids' meal" in sight; we see Fred's car is parked out front. Inside, the heroes are all munching away at their food. Wakko has a huge pile of food in front of him, nearly crowding out his two sibs' spots; Fred has a large plate of ribs (natch); the others have various pasta dishes and salad.) BRAIN: (Looking quite pleased) While I don't believe they quite cooked the pasta al dente as I preferred, I must state that this establishment is light years above that wretched McDonald's™ eatery... WAKKO: (Looking disappointed) Hmph...there isn't even a single plastic fork or cheaply-made toy with our meals! I don't think it's better... (takes a big bite out of his food pile). BILLIE: Sorry, but I'm siding with Eggy on this one....I think all that M*ckeyD's food was starting to give me indigestion... WAKKO: (Swallowing his huge bite of food in one gulp) Indigestion? What's that? DOT: Never mind...I'll explain later... BRAIN: We'll eat here for the remainder of our mission...they've got these restaurants all over the country! (The Warners look rather disappointed at this....) BRAIN: Don't bother with making those faces...my mind's made up. (The sibs pout) But as for our plan, I propose that we split into two separate teams... one team, led by me, shall try to stir up public support for the big nationally televised football game on Thanksgiving Day. The other team shall emphasize the meal aspects of the holiday, by encouraging people to get supermarkets to have Thanksgiving food-related sales. Both teams shall also try to stir up feelings of "family togetherness" and other manner of sentimental smarminess...we'll meet back in Burbank by the time that "Christmas Week" parade takes place on Wednesday, and try to use public sentiments to stop that parade itself! Any questions? (The sibs all raise their hands, as does Pinky) BRAIN: Any *intelligent* questions? (The hands all go down) BRAIN: Good. Now then, in light of past missions, I've noted certain aspects repeated endlessly, almost like clockwork... PINKY: Like the "two places at once" gag? HAHAHAHA! BRAIN: (Annoyed) *Yes*, Pinky, to our eternal dismay....but I was thinking more along the lines of the antagonists we face trying to thwart our efforts through some sort of help---aka, the proverbial "ninja-thugs". And for the other cliche, the gargantuan number of useless, extra characters that we always seem to accumulate on these adventures...no offense, Mr. Flintstone. FRED: (Munching on a spare rib) None taken... BRAIN: So, in light of this fact, I've decided to actually *call* for extra help that we actually *intentionally* could use, so that we don't need to pick up all manner of characters along the way. The help I've called will wage battle against any "ninja thugs" for us that we may encounter, giving us more time to actually do something constructive. PINKY: POIT! Who'd ya call, Brain? The Ghostbusters? BRAIN: Actually, more like.... (The door to the restaurant opens, and we see enter, with a bit of "martial arts"-esque theme music....) PINKY: (Gasp) JACKIE CHAN?! NARF! BILLIE: And that extra-sized friend of his, Tohru! (Yes, it is Jackie Chan and Tohru of "Jackie Chan Adventures" fame.....the two walk over to the table...) JACKIE: I'm here at the request of a Mr. Brain? BRAIN: Right here, good sir.... JACKIE: (Scratches his head at seeing the size of Brain, and the others he's with) Ahem....well, this is....different. Though no more "different" than dealing with Jade, I suppose. (To Tohru) You did make sure she isn't anywhere near here, did you? *Or* tell her we were going somewhere? TOHRU: Of course.... (Zip pan to the outside of a closet in Uncle's shop...a brief close-up shows that there's a broom stick jammed between the doorknob and the door...) JADE: Tohru will *never* find me in here....nobody plays hide-n-seek like *Jade*! (Zip pan back to the restaurant...we see Tohru walk over to the still-eating-ribs Fred...) FRED: (In between bites) Hey, pal. TOHRU: Hello. FRED: (Stops eating, holds up a rib) Spare rib? (Tohru decides to take up Fred's offer, and wedges himself in the seat, sending Axel sprawling to the floor (with a few expletives)...the two resume eating into the pile of spare ribs...) (While this is going on, we cut to the WB Studios, where Plotz is scolding the failed efforts of Seth and his men) PLOTZ: You failed?! How could you have trouble defeating those guys?! Oh, never *mind*....I'll find someone *else* to take care of them. You go back to doing security for the "Harry Potter" movie tour... SETH: Great....I think we'd be better off getting karate-chopped, guys... (the others murmur in agreement) (A short while later, we see Plotz walk onto what looks like the set for the "Jackie Chan" series; apparently, it's a Christmas episode being filmed. Everyone on the set, including Chandu (in statue form) is wearing red Santa-type caps. We see that Chandu is wearing a tag reading "fight scene choreographer" as the hired goons go over a scene...) GOON (the guy with sunglasses): OK, says here we're supposed to "jump 30 feet straight up into the air in order to grab the 'Christmas talisman' from a high perch"....how da heck are we supposed ta do that?! CHANDU: Allow *me* to show you.... (his eyes light up, and he emits flame from his mouth, aimed straight towards the rear ends of the goons...they all proceed to jump the required distance skyward....) PLOTZ: (To Chandu) Excellent work.... CHANDU: Thank you....of course, what I'd *really* like to do is *direct*.... (laughs gleefully/sinisterly) PLOTZ: I....see. (Rolls his eyes) Anyway, I'm looking for that big hulking red-haired guy we hired on as a full-time regular for the second season of this show... I have a *job* for him... (Cut to a short time later, as we see Plotz talking to both the Griffino robot and none other than....) HOK FU: (Staring at a photo of the Warners and Axel that Plotz is holding up...) PUPPY CHILDREN FACED NINJAS IN THE PAST?! Don't make me laugh.... PLOTZ: Well, it's true....they've defeated various "ninja-thugs" so often, it's become a cliche for them....but *you*, on the other hand, would certainly provide them with quite the workout...along with Griffino here. (Griffino emits a few R2D2-esque noises, chirping in agreement) So, willing to take the job? HOK FU: CRUSH PUPPIES LIKE DOGCATCHER WITH NET! PLOTZ: (Grins) I'll take that as a "yes".... get going. I want you to find those Warners, and bring them back here alive! HOK FU: Awww.... PLOTZ: Hmph...better send someone else with the two of you.... seeing as, well... (pan over to see Hok Fu punching the head off a cardboard cutout of Harry Potter, yelling "CROUCHING TIGER EATS HIDDEN DRAGON!") (Cut to several moments later, as we see two old fanfic favorites alongside Hok Fu and Griffino....) PLOTZ: So you say you've defeated various cartoon characters with your patented "ninja thug" tactics before? MIKEY: (Slightly nervous) Er...sure, pops. SHERYL: (Also nervous) Uh, yeah, you know that's right....dozens of times. MIKEY: Hundreds. SHERYL: More times than those guys in that Jet Li flick you put out awhile back.... PLOTZ: Good....now then, you'll be sure to take care of Griffino and Hok Fu there, won't you? So get going, and good luck! Ta-ta! (Plotz exits; we see Griffino display on a control panel on its chest the words "please change oil pan", and Hok standing there looking as, er, "calm" as usual; Mikey and Sheryl gulp.) MIKEY: I know we're back together and all, babe, but, uh....think this gig is worth it? Looks sorta, erm, *dangerous*, baby.... SHERYL: (Whispers back) With these guys on our team, how can we fail?! Barbed wire-wrapped bricks, a psycho ninja-guy, a killer robot....we can't fail! I even gave our group a name: TEAM NINJA! MIKEY: Cool name, babe....you're so creative. I love that. Sounds like the name for a team fulla winners to me. How'd ya think of it? SHERYL: Beats me....though I think I might've been watching some show with freakish little creatures fightin' each other at the time... (And so, "Team Ninja" sets off in search of the heroes....meanwhile, cut back to said heroes, who're standing in front of a rented van of Jackie's and Fred's car....) TOHRU: (Eyeing Fred's car) Um....a possible problem presents itself with this..."vehicle". I do not believe I can, well... BARNEY: (Eying Tohru) No kiddin', pal...Fred's legs'd probably give out before we could even pull outta the driveway... (chuckles) TOHRU: True. BRAIN: Well, it doesn't matter, since you won't be going with Fred...now then, the groups are as follows: Fred, Barney, the Warners, and Axel will be in Fred's, er, "car",for the meal-related part of the mission, while Tohru, Jackie, Billie, Pinky, and I shall be in the van for the football-related part. WAKKO: Aww, why can't we have a cool karate-knowin' guy? AXEL: Hey! Didn't you see me take out those crazy (bleep)s back there with that karate chop?! DOT: He said "cool" guy , Axel... (Axel mutters a few choice words) BILLIE: Hey, you guys have taken out those ninja-thugs with those gags of yours so many times in the past, *we're* the ones who could use the extra help! DOT: Great....guess we'll have to face potentially dangerous and homicidal thugs armed with nothing more than.... WAKKO: "Two places at---" (stops as Dot and Brain stare at him sternly, as does Tohru.) (Quietly) Erm...nevermind. BRAIN: (Flatly) Very well, then...let us depart! Good luck, everyone! (The two groups split up, get into their separate vehicles, and pull away from the restaurant, heading in opposite directions....we soon fade to the inside of Brain's van. We see that Billie and Pinky are reading magazines, while Brain is singing along rather off-key with the radio. Jackie and Tohru observe Brain's singing with interest....) BRAIN: (Singing) I hate myself for loving you/Trying to break free from the things that you do/I want to walk, but I run back to you/That's why I hate myself for loving you. JACKIE: Brain, you certainly seem a lot less, well, serious than what you led us to believe back in the restaurant... BRAIN: Actually, I'm quite serious, but when I hear Joan Jett's voice, I can't help but sing along. BILLIE: Hey, Eggy, where's our first destination? Because, if I can be honest, you're no Ron Isley! BRAIN: While I'm slightly insulted, along with your errant mixing of different musical genres, we're headed for San Francisco, home of the annual "Freeway Game". It's the Oakland Raiders versus the San Francisco 49ers to decide who is the mightiest of California football teams. There, we will spread our message of Thanksgiving, and knock down one major road block in my quest for world domination! YES! (Everyone in the van looks at him funny) BRAIN: What? You're looking at me like I have six eyes! JACKIE: Erm..."world domination"? I thought you just needed us for protection.... BRAIN: I do....but trust me, I'm nothing like the thugs you wage battle against in your movie. If you wish, Pinky and Billie can support me on my character.... (Cut to several moments later, with Jackie a bit dazed at some of the stories that Billie and Pinky have tried telling him...) JACKIE: (Waving his hands) OK, *OK*. You aren't an evil person. (Sighs) I'll assist you....but you *must* promise me one thing: that after this attempt fails, you'll try to take over the world *without* mind control and with the people's willingness... BRAIN: *When* it fails?! (Jackie shrugs) Trust me....this attempt *will* succeed. And it isn't through mind control per se, but more of the powers of suggestion. No different than that of advertising.... PINKY: Yesiree! Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven! No wait, I meant to say, "things go better with Coke"...erm, no, um.... BRAIN: You see? JACKIE: (Sighs) I don't think Uncle will believe *this*.... (Cut to several hours later, at San Francisco's Candlestick Park. We see various sports yahoos in face paint, without shirts, drinking beer, eating burnt steaks, etc. Everyone exits the van wearing football-related clothing. In the background, we can hear the song "Love Train" by the O'Jays.) PINKY: Oh, this is fun! We look like that strange spastic fellow in that concert movie...er, um..."Stop Making Sense"! NARF! BRAIN: I would prefer it if you *started* making sense. Now, Jackie and Tohru, I've already gotten tickets for you. You just get seats in the stadium, being as I'll need a lookout on this one. Myself, Pinky and Billie, will explore the premises, and make our way to the halftime show! We will interrupt the performance by (checks the game program)...the Voo Doo Dolls? Congratulations, Billie....it seems that you and Pinky will finally get to see them again, after that "Lethal Intellect" fiasco... TOHRU: "Lethal Intellect"? (* - the movie that the mice and Axel produced, in the fanfic of the same name. ---Brainatra) BRAIN: (Flatly) Don't ask...now, as they say, let's roll! (Our heroes exeunt, and we pan left to see Team Ninja. Sheryl, dressed in glasses, black lipstick and a suit that's rather conservative except for the exaggerated shoulder pads, whips out a walkie-talkie.) SHERYL: X-X, this is Black Widow. Do you read...over? Mikey: (V.O) I'm here, whaddya need? Over! SHERYL: The mice are out. The white fur will be skinned! Over!MIKEY: (V.O) 10-4, over and out, sweetheart! SHERYL: 10-4, over and out, sugar! (Sheryl lights up a cigarette. She turns to the camera.) Hey, I'm back with Mikey. I've earned the right to smoke again! (She inhales, and blows out a few rings. She then starts singing quietly) People all over the world/Join hands/Get on the love train/Love train! (Cut away from the singing villain, and back to the mice....) BILLIE: Er, Eggy, I realize you want to promote the virtues of football and Thanksgiving to dazed-and-confused sports fans, but I thought your "big game debut" was going to be held on *Thanksgiving*....which is at least several days away! BRAIN: I know, Billie....this game is to serve our mission of reinstating a sense of Thanksgiving to the sports-crazed public. The *actual* game being nationally televised on Thanksgiving Day involves the titanic clash between the New Orleans Saints against the New York Jets! BILLIE: (Trying not to snicker at the decidedly-less-than-"titanic" teams involved in that matchup) BRAIN: Erm...is there a problem? BILLIE: Oh, *no*, of course not... nothing at all. (Pauses, then doubles over with laughter) The *JETS*! HAHAHAHAHA! BRAIN: (Annoyed) Perhaps I should've stuck with Tohru and Mr. Chan...speaking of which, they should be seated in the stands looking for any sign of trouble. (Cut to the halftime point in the game, where a quick scan shows the fans growing somewhat weary, even the body-painted fanatics. We see Jackie and Tohru seated, with both wearing separate hats of each team. Down on the field, we see the halftime show's about to begin, with the cheerleaders of each team taking the field. Brain, Billie, and Pinky head for the field as well...) BILLIE: (Helping Pinky and Brain drag a cordless microphone) Eggy? You sure this will work? BRAIN: Positive...I've spliced this microphone into the sound system. While the "Stars and Stripes Forever" plays, most of the male sports fan contingent here will be focused on the, ahem, physical attributes of the teams' two cheerleading squads. With the music masking my voice, I shall read my speech....the subliminal, "masked" effect will cause the fans to accept what I say---namely, to observe anything related to Thanksgiving next Thursday, including viewing the big game! (Billie nearly breaks down into laughing over the "big" game... Brain is about to start into his speech, but we see on the billboard the image change from scantily-clad women to---) SHERYL: Give me a "N"! MIKEY: Give me an "I"! HOK FU: GIVE ME "N"! GRIFFINO: (Chirping noises) SHERYL: Give me...oh, forget it. Let's just do the motto I made up.... MIKEY: Do we have to? SHERYL: Yes! It worked on that freakish, cheapo-animated show I got this idea from... (As the entire stadium eyes the viewscreen, they're distracted by a large cloud of smoke appearing in the end zone...when it clears, we see Mikey, Sheryl, Hok Fu, and Griffino appear...music that sounds like it came from a third-generation cassette tape copy starts to play over the sound system...the two deliver their "motto" with cheap-looking video editing effects on the monitor showing various limited-movement close-ups of their faces and both of them holding roses...) SHERYL: To protect our butts from devastation... MIKEY: To get big bucks is our motivation.... SHERYL: To enjoy the song "Can't Buy Me Love"! MIKEY: To extend my credit limit to the sky above! SHERYL: Sheryl... MIKEY: Mikey.... SHERYL: Team Ninja drives faster than the speed limit! MIKEY: Surrender now, or prepare to, er, get hit! (We see the whole "Team" strike a pose on the field...Hok Fu leaps in front of the "dynamic duo", as does Griffino) HOK FU: HOK FU---THAT'S RIGHT! (The cheap-sounding music ends) SHERYL: Hmph....we'll have to work on that last line... HOK FU: Uh, OK.... MICE: (Still shocked by this) "TEAM NINJA"?! MIKEY: That's right, uh.... (reads a paper labeled "Team Ninja" script) "twerps". Now we'll have to show you who's the boss! PINKY: I thought it was Tony Danza...POIT! SHERYL: Never mind that---HOK FU, attack! HOK FU: (Leaps forward with that anime-style streaked-lines-background effect, as cheap-sounding fight-scene rock music begins playing) GIANT FELINE DEVOUR LITTLE RODENTS! (We see, however, that instead of slamming into the mice, Hok slams into---Tohru, who's managed to get to the field along with Jackie during the time it took to do the motto. Hok sends Tohru sprawling backwards, slamming into some costumed mascot...Tohru gets up quickly, though, and punches Hok Fu, sending him slamming into a goal post...) MASCOT: (Still in pain) Oooogh.....this ain't worth $6.25/hr... PINKY: Egad...what'll we do? BRAIN: *Nothing*...precisely why I hired Jackie and Tohru. While they deal with this pointless ninja-thug fight scene, I shall be reading my Thanksgiving-promoting speech. This cheesy fight scene rock music currently playing will serve just as well to aid its audience-influence effects... (taps his microphone, and begins speaking into it) (Cut back to the fight, where we see Jackie's now in the action...) MIKEY: (To Hok Fu) Guess we can't get any more help from *you*...but we still have *these*! (Whips out a barbwire-wrapped brick, and hurls it towards the heroes) And Griffino! Griffino, *attack*! (Griffino leaps forward with the streaked-lines-effect as well, with a metallic fist raised, which quickly changes into the form of a missile launcher....Jackie looks at the flying brick/robot headed towards him and panics...he runs back, but soon sees the football from the game. He tosses it towards the brick, which before it deflates has enough force to knock the brick into Griffino. Griffino's path is deflected....straight towards a banner stretched out reading "San Francisco Luvs the Raiders/49ers". Griffino and the brick are rebounded by the banner, and slam into the other half of the "team". However, all soon realize that the missile launcher Griffino had is going off underneath them. With a large explosion, we soon see the foursome flying skyward...) SHERYL: You little rats! This won't be the end of this! We'll be back! MIKEY: Maybe, but for now.... HOK FU: HOK FU BLASTS OFF LIKE SCREAMING EAGLE! SHERYL: Something like that---- (Mikey and Sheryl yell "Team Ninja's blasting off *agaaiiiinnn*..." and vanish with a cheap-looking flash of light over the horizon. The crowd all stands up and cheers, as Brain puts the finishing words on his speech.) PINKY: Egad! It worked! You managed to do something besides face ninja-thugs on an adventure! (Yelling skyward) AND WE'RE NOT RATS! BRAIN: (Smirking) YES, Pinky! Thanks to our vigilant hired help... (Tohru and Jackie, looking a bit beat, stagger back towards the mice) JACKIE: Er, you're welcome...are your adventures always this, um, bizarre? (As the crowd cheers, we hear various members murmur things such as "gee, why *is* it there's no turkey on sale?" and "shouldn't we be celebrating some other holiday besides Christmas during November?") BRAIN: (To the others) Our plan is working! Quickly...let us proceed back to the van and set forth for another football-related venue... PINKY: Which is...? BRAIN: Where else? A local *sports bar*! We'll hand out the promotional materials we gathered for the Saints-Jets game, and advertise it to as many sports-crazed fans as possible! BILLIE: (Sighs) Fine...I just hope we can get to such a place without too much traffic.... (The mice, Jackie, and Tohru (holding a box labeled "sports promotional stuff") set off, with Billie snickering "the Jets!" intermittently...) (Meanwhile, we cut back to Fred's car, now parked in front of a "Kroger" supermarket in the midwest...however, despite the presence of popular cartoon characters and a movie star/cop/politician, no one's paying them much mind, as they try to hand various shoppers Thanksgiving-related flyers, stickers, etc. One woman tells her child "don't talk to the strange...whatever-they-ares, dear"; a bobbysoxer-dressed teenaged girl with large eyes and an autograph book scoffs at Fred, saying "hey! You're not Homer Simpson!" and storms off.) YAKKO: This isn't working...we need to do something...something to promote Thanksgiving meals and family togetherness! (Snaps his fingers) I know! We slap turkey stickers on McDonald's™ food bags and resell them for 5% off! A virtual bargain after the 5% sales tax in this state's taken into account.... DOT: I don't think so.... (to the others) Any ideas? WAKKO: (Making gookie faces) Uh-uh. FRED: Er, no, sorry.... BARNEY: Ya got me.... AXEL: (Sighs) Not sure how to promote this holiday....I guess we could try going *into* the supermarket and seeing if we have better luck in there. BARNEY: Sure, why not? What could go wrong? DOT: Besides Wakko eating half the inventory, you're in one of *our* stories and you have to *ask*?! Though it better not involve gratuitous cameos, ninja-thugs *or* us breaking out into a Thanksgiving-oriented song sequence... YAKKO: Gee, Dot, you should leave the writers with *something* to work with... (They enter the supermarket....the store's background music is "Sweet Love" by Anita Baker.) YAKKO: (Observing the store music) Hey, at least it ain't elevator music! WAKKO: Oh, goody! Cake frosting! (Wakko runs towards the frosting, while the rest of our heroes ponder their plans) DOT: Guys, I have a hunch about how our message could be spread! AXEL: (Flatly) Will it involve (bleep)ing space-time distortion? DOT: No, it actually involves busting into the back offices of this establishment to find the Thanksgiving food, and then bringing it back out for sale! AXEL: Hey, not a bad idea! I'm up for it! DOT: Good, because you're going solo on this one! (Dot pinches Axel's cheek) AXEL: WHAT THE (BLEEP)? I THOUGHT WE WERE A (BLEEP)ING TEAM! (An angry old woman comes up behind Axel) OLD WOMAN: How dare you speak that way in a public place? And in front of *children*?!? (She gives Axel a swift kick in the behind) AXEL: OW! You (bleep)ing old biddy! Okay, you want me to do this solo? Fine, but you'll owe me...*BIG TIME*! YAKKO: Alright, but really, how dangerous could it be? (Dissolve to a few minutes later. Axel's wandering around with his gun. The "Animaniacs" variant on "Axel F" plays in the background. Shifting his eyes back and forth, he hopes for nothing bad to happen. All of a sudden, he slips on some ketchup and goes sliding across the floor.) AXEL: (Bleep)! (Axel crashes into a female-looking figure. He looks up, and then we go inside his mind as his eyes bug. We see a trickle of sweat, a hammer, and a demonic-looking pair of lips saying "Why did you do that?". He comes to). SORT-OF-A-MYSTERY WOMAN: Remember me, Axel? AXEL: Oh my God! It wasn't a dream! (Axel then gets a swift punch to the head. He's been cold-cocked by this Sort-Of-A-Mystery-Woman. As she runs off, we cut back to the Warners) DOT: And so that's why you need to put the Thanksgiving items. People love to eat this stuff, and if it you price it low enough, they'll buy like maniacs! STORE OWNER: Okay, you've got a deal! Let me get the items! (As the store owner, the Warners, Barney and Fred walk to the back, they stumble across Axel's face-down body). DOT: Ooh, employee laying down on the job! (Dot turns him over, and...) DOT: AXEL! ARE YOU OKAY?! (Dot shakes him) WAKE UP! WAKE UP! YAKKO: Better call an ambulance! WAKKO: Better call his parents! (Cut to a few minutes later. An ambulance rushes out of the Kroger parking lot, with Fred's car not far behind. Meanwhile, we cut back to California. The Brain's team is seen exiting "Stats-The Best Sports Bar In Cali" after handing out their promotional goodies to the bar's patrons. From the bar, we can hear the song "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.) BRAIN: (Exiting the bar with the others, waving) *No*, thank *you*! Trust me....this won't be a broadcast you'll want to forget! PINKY: Oooh, that was fun Brain! I even got to play on the pool table! (Scratches his head) Though there wasn't any water,though. BRAIN: Well, we can't all get what we want in life, Pinky... PINKY: You mean like your desire to take over the world being thwarted time and agai--- BRAIN: (Clasps Pinky's nose) Enough of that, Pinky. (Lets go, with Pinky's snout snapping back in place) BILLIE: *Ahem*... BRAIN: Oh, don't you start...besides, we've still got more work to do! BILLIE: Like luring some *families* into watching this big game? There's more than just guys who like football, Eggy. BRAIN: I suppose so... (With a PatB-theme rendition of the "The Age of Aquarius" playing, we see the mice going all around the San Francisco area trying to attract various groups of people into watching the Big Football Game....among others, we see: the family from "Full House" talking to the gang, with Brain making retching motions over the saccharineness of the Olsen Twins, with Billie telling them that football's a "vital part of family wholesomeness and togetherness". In Berkeley, a group of hippies being told that there'll be a rising of a "new age of enlightenment, peace and love" if they watch the football game's halftime show. Cut to a shot of two people who resemble TV's "Dharma and Greg" that they'll see both "a new age of enlightenment *and* masculine, hard-hittin' gridiron action."...with Pinky adding "and a big-headed mouse, NARF!" Cut to several people in Chinatown, where Brain and Billie (speaking in Chinese) urge the group that Thanksgiving is a time for "all Americans, regardless of background, class, or whatnot, to come together and gorge on excessive food and watch the Saints-Jets game on TV"; Jackie and Tohru look at the two mice's linguistic talents with shock, while Pinky laughs idiotically while eating fortune cookies. We also see Brain and Billie deliver the same speech to a group of African-American youths in Oakland, and to a group of men in a restaurant near downtown; however, one of the men (who resembles Jack from NBC's "Will and Grace") asks if they could "repeat what they just said, but in *English* this time". Brain and Billie grin in embarrassment. Finally, we see the gang take a trolley car back to where they parked the van...) BRAIN: Y-E-E-S! Our plan is working like a charm! PINKY: Would that be pink hearts or purple horseshoes? NARF! BRAIN: Not the precise analogy I had in mind, Pinky...but I suppose it'll suffice. BILLIE: What now, Brain? We reached everyone in this town from deadheads to hip-hop-heads to that restaurant with those Cher fanatics...so what now?! BRAIN: On to the rest of the country...next stop: the midwest! PINKY: Naarf...why there, Brain? BRAIN: After that run-in with "Team Ninja", I think it's best that we spread out away from the coast...New Yorkers are so inclined to think of only the coastal areas of the U.S., that they probably won't think to try stalling us by looking in the midwest...the whole "flyover country" mentality that plagues Hollywood and Madison Avenue. PINKY: Does that explain why all those TV sitcoms take place in New York City, Brain? BILLIE: Or why a snowstorm that strikes the east coast is treated
with more worthless hype than if it happened in, say, Indiana? (Cut away from the mice, to the Warner half of the team in the midwest...we see Fred's car is parked in front of a hospital. Inside, we see the Warners, Fred, and Barney are all gathered around Axel's bed, where Axel is resting in a comatose state, with giant piles of flower wreaths (that have "Rest in Piece" scrawled all over them) piled next to the Cursing One....the Warners are all wearing black funeral-type clothes. We see hooked up to Axel's arm is one of those pulse monitor machines...) WAKKO: (Sniff) Is he...gonna make it? YAKKO: (Sniff) Heard he might not.... DOT: (Sniff) This is so *unfair*! He was so---middle aged!!! (Sobs hysterically) *Please*, Axel *has* to make it!! If only there was something we could *do*! (Continues sobbing; a caption at the bottom of the screen reads "Academy judges, remember this scene come next year!") YAKKO: Gee, this is a Thanksgiving special, isn't it---so shouldn't there be some sort of magical Thanksgiving type of person we could call up for help the way we had that magical elf last Christmas?! DOT: (Stops sobbing) Sounds crazy enough to work... YAKKO: Sounds just plain crazy to *me*....but it's worth a shot! DOT: So where do we find a magical Thanksgiving-oriented person? FRED: Don't look at me, sister....we only see the Great Gazoo come reunion specials and for the staff meeting for consultin' on that awful "Viva Rock Vegas" movie thing... BARNEY: Yeah, and besides, the fans told us if he's ever shown again, well....the rest probably isn't repeatable for you kids. DOT: Great....so now what? WAKKO: (Snaps his fingers) I know! We could sing a big Thanksgiving song! DOT: How will that work? WAKKO: Dunno....it'd be fun though. YAKKO: Fine with me... (The Warners begin singing, to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"...) WARNERS: (Singing) Old McDonald's™ bought a farm, E-I-E-I-O! DOT: (Singing) And on this farm they had a chick.... WAKKO: Chicken McNuggets? (Licks his lips) DOT: (Annoyed) *No*.... YAKKO: (Singing, cutting in) ---the hottest chick I know! With a curve over here, and a curve over there----- DOT: (Annoyed) OK, that's *it*! Let's face it...there *are* no Thanksgiving songs.... WAKKO: But we needed to summon up a magical being! VOICE: (From behind the group) Did somebody say, "magic"? DOT: (Groans) Not *this* bit again....look, pal, if you're trying to horn in on this mission of ours as "being here to help", you can just...forget...it.... (Dot's voice trails off, as they all turn around and see who said that...it's none other than (and drawn in his classic "Superfriends" style)...) AQUAMAN: Yes, it is *I*----*AQUAMAN*! (We hear his cheesy 60's Filmation theme song start up) Aquaman....swift and powerful monarch of the ocean! *AQUAMAN*....defender of the sea against the forces of evil! AQUAMAN---*KING OF THE SEVEN SEAS*! (The cheesy theme music ends, as we see the sibs get all excited) WAKKO: Wow! Aquaman....here?! DOT: Can't believe it...he's *dreamy*. (Jumps into the sea monarch's arms and lays a big kiss on him) HELLOOOOO, NURSE! YAKKO: The coolest guy who ever swam really fast and talked to fish is *here*! (Sees that he has both hands intact) Aaahhh, but where's your hook-hand? Thought you had some groovy new look... AQUAMAN: Left it at home...lousy thing makes me look like some reject from the "Pirates of the Caribbean" display at D*sneyworld...stupid hack writers. Besides, it was chafing my arm. (Sees the others, and clears his throat). Anyway, I'm.... DOT: Here to help, yeah, we know. (Sighs dreamily some more) Anyway, I was wondering.... (looks at Axel for a moment, then turns her attention back to Aquaman) Are those muscles really capable of withstanding the crushing ocean depths? AQUAMAN: (Chuckles) Well, I don't like to *brag*, but... YAKKO: Hate to interrupt this, Dot, but what about Mr. Potty Mouth over here? AQUAMAN: Right! Step aside, and let the great and powerful Aquaman handle this! (Looks around) Um...we aren't located near any bodies of water, are we? (The others shake their head no) AQUAMAN: He wouldn't really happen to be a form of aquatic life capable of obeying my telepathic will, would he? WARNERS: Uh-uh. YAKKO: Though his career's spent plenty of time underwater.... DOT: Along with his English grades---all below "C" level. (Rimshot noise is heard) AQUAMAN: Drats....well, I suppose *that* will have to do. (He points to a tank full of various fish within the room. As the others watch, Aquaman uses his cool telepathic powers to summon up the various fish in the tank...they all begin to flop around, before they all leap out of the tank and smack Axel in the face. We see the clam in the tank begin to flop about as well, before it jumps out the tank, clamping Axel square on the nose. Axel yelps, and leaps up towards the ceiling before crashing back down to the bed. He yanks the clam off his nose, and clutches it in great, explitive-filled pain.) FRED: (Bending down to pick it up) Check it out, Barn---a new electric shaver! Quick----where's a beehive so I can fill this thing with some bees?! BARNEY: Sweet, Fred... (chuckles) WARNERS: HE'S ALIVE! AXEL: (Clutching his nose) AND IN GREAT (BLEEP)IN' PAIN! First that (bleep) woman puts me in here, now I'm woken up by---by---- (sees Aquaman) some (bleep) loser who swims (bleep)in' fast and talks to (bleep) fish?! How long have I been out for, since you (bleeps) are clearly startin' that "get a zillion bunch of miscellaneous characters for (bleep)in' help" (bleep) again?!? DOT: He's back to normal.... YAKKO: Or *ab*normal, in his case. AXEL: Aw, (bleep) you! (Throws a goldfish at Yakko, bouncing off his head and landing on Aquaman's shoulder) AQUAMAN: (Hearing its gasps) Great Neptune! I've got to save Goldy! (Waves to the others) Sorry, gotta run....must....save...goldfish! (With the closing notes of his theme music playing, he races out the room, yelling "Nurse! Three quarts of water and an aquarium filter, STAT!") DOT: (Sighs dreamily) Why can't all our help be like that? YAKKO: You mean by *not* hanging around after they make their obligatory lame one-joke cameos? FRED & BARNEY: HEY! YAKKO: See? DOT: Well, as soon as Axel's dressed, we can check outta here and hit the road... (But as our friends celebrate Axel's miraculous recovery at the hands of the Aquatic Avenger, we pull back to see that outside the hospital in some bushes lurks....) MIKEY: Dang, Sheryl....those landings *hurt*! SHERYL: Sorry....told you to use Griffino to inflate his air bag, but *noooo*.... "gotta be a man like Hok Fu"... HOK FU: Real men do not need air bag....LAND LIKE CAT ON ITS FEET!SHERYL: Oh, hush....(points up to a window) Look up there! It's those animated jerks and that deadbeat cop! MIKEY: Isn't he a politician now? HOK FU: THOUGHT HE WAS LAME ACTOR! "HARLEM NIGHTS" AS UNFUNNY AS MUTE HYENA! GRIFFINO: (Clicks in agreement) SHERYL: Well, *duh*....but anyway, we've got to follow them and take them out! And *I* have, as usual, another plan.... (the "Team" slinks off....soon, we see Axel and the others get into Fred's car.) YAKKO: We were worried there, Axel... AXEL: You were? DOT: Sure... somebody has to help Fred be the "engine" for the car! (All three sibs kiss Axel, who looks mortified.) AXEL: I...er....we....awww, (ble)--- (We cut away from his umpteenth curse word, as they make their way down the road, courtesy of Fred's (and Axel's) two feet...) AXEL: (Huffing a bit) Hate to pry, but do you know where the (bleep) we're goin'?! DOT: Massachusetts....thought we'd try our luck with some supermarkets there! WAKKO: Faboo! Clam chowder and seafood! AXEL: Don't mention seafood... (picks a fish still lying on his shoulder, and flicks it away) (Cut to commercials for various heavily-hyped Christmas related stuff involving Pokemon---we see various Poke-creatures in holiday colors/clothing doing their attack moves on each other. Then cut back to the story....where we see the Warner crew is somewhere on an Ohio highway. Axel's running to operate the car, and running out of breath as well. Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" is playing on the car radio...) AXEL: (Bleep)us (Bleep), I don't know how much longer I can take this (bleep)! Fred, how the (bleep) do you do this?! FRED: Well, running from Wilma's abuse does well for me! AXEL: What the (bleep) did you say? FRED: I'll admit it! I'm whipped! She's the boss of the house, and she beats me up for all that I do! *She's* Ralph Kramden, and she follows through on the threat to get me "Pow! Right in the kisser!". 12 surgeries, including 1 plastic! 3 knocked-out teeth! 2 broken bones! When it comes to whipped and abused husbands, I've gotten the same surgery as Tim Allen and Ray Romano! I run from the house, yet I have to come back time and again, or we have no future retreads of the show! AXEL: Fred, once this mission is done...promise me you leave Wilma for good and get a different woman! BARNEY: Hey, Fred, how come you never told me this? FRED: Because you would just joke about it! AXEL: I'm tired! Let's stop this (bleep)ing car! (The car pulls to a stop on the highway) AXEL: Yakko, Wakko, Dot... WARNERS: Yeeeeeeees? AXEL: Enough is enough! You're using your feet now, and I'm relaxing! It's your turn! YAKKO: But Axel... AXEL: (Low, growling voice) Do it now, or I'm abandoning these (bleep)ing adventures...and *YOU THREE*...permanently! Capice? YAKKO: If that's the way you're gonna be, then we're not moving! AXEL: Fine! YAKKO: Fine! AXEL: Lazy (Bleep) ... YAKKO: Jerk! AXEL: Stupid (Bleep)! YAKKO: Nitwit! I never thought I would do this when you were our friend! (Yakko grabs a rope that dropped out of nowhere. All of a sudden, Axel is flattened by an anvil. He crawls out and faints.) YAKKO: Okay, maybe that was uncalled for! I'm sorry, but Axel...you have to apologize, too! (No response) YAKKO: Axel? (No response) YAKKO: Axel! DOT: Not again! YAKKO: Indeed! (Yakko, all of a sudden, removes his head to reveal)... DOT: A robot skeleton? Wait a minute, if you're not Yakko, then... (We hear a voice in the background that sounds too familiar...the others look up in the sky and find...) YAKKO: (In a helicopter) Help! They got me! They're taking me away! SHERYL: (Putting a hand over Yakko's mouth) Shut up, puppy brat! Next stop, Massachusetts! Team Ninja is flying off again! (The helicopter zooms away) WAKKO: (Wearily) Hospital again? DOT: (Equally wearily) Those are the looks of it! Can we hold out 'til Massachusetts? FRED: I don't know! (They load into the car, and race down the highway, with appropo dramatic music playing in the background....) (More commercials play, with recycled stock footage of the Warners singing and dancing in place to promote the Kids WB's action-oriented Christmas show lineup of shows....adding to the humiliation is seeing Lou Bega singing with them....) (Cut back to the story, and fade in on the mice...we the van pull over to the side of the highway. From inside, we hear Brain state sardonically, "Tohru, would you care to escort our 'guests' outside?" We soon see a myriad of characters tossed out of the van: the cast of "The Producers", everyone that the mice interviewed in San Francisco, Henry Kissinger, a Little League baseball team, several players for the Indiana Pacers, and three mimes. The van then quickly takes off down the road, burning rubber doing so...) KISSINGER: Drat. I was hoping this would be the pinnacle of my career. (To the others) Anyone want to go have an expresso? (the others nod in agreement, and take off...) (Back in the van...) BILLIE: That wasn't very nice, Eggy....besides, Pinky was just trying to be *nice*.... BRAIN: I didn't hire Tohru and Jackie just for ninja-thug protection. Your point? BILLIE: (Flatly) None. Just makin' the observation. (Frowning, she peels a "Flagstaff Cacti Little Leaguers Rule!" sticker off her back....) Especially considering that we have *more* than enough "help" already, I guess there's no need to inflate the story's cast size even moreso than it already is.... BRAIN: *Precisely*. Now that that's settled, let's be on our way.... (We suddenly hear a cell phone ring. Brain reaches into his fur "pockets", and pulls out a mouse-sized cell phone. He answers it.) BRAIN: Hello? (Split-screen; the other half is seen to be Dot; the sounds of of the Flintstone-mobile can be heard) DOT: Brain? Dot here.... BRAIN: How goes your half of the mission? Is the public able to obtain cheap Thanksgiving foodstuffs? DOT: Well, yes and no. Mostly no. Sometimes yes, but... BRAIN: *Ahem*.... DOT: Oh, yeah....well, let's see: we went to the supermarket, Wakko ate a lot of frosting, Axel got knocked out and sent to the hospital, Aquaman showed up and brought 'im back to life, Axel swore like a sailor, we tried to sing, and---oh, yeah, you won't believe this----we ran into some losers calling themselves "Team Ninja". Can you believe it? BRAIN: *TEAM NINJA*?! We ran into them in San Francisco, as well....Mikey, Sheryl, some psychotic ninja named Hok Fu, and that wretched brat Stewie Griffin's robot, Griffino.... DOT: Yep, thanks for the cast recap....now, then, here's another goody: they kidnapped Yakko. Apparently they're headin' for Massachusettes like we were...oh, and they knocked Axel out again. But I think he's comin' around.... (Pan over to see Axel, still slightly dazed, has a bag of ice on his head, and is popping some aspirin.) BRAIN: Very well, then...looks as if we'd better head in your general direction, then...unless you don't need our help... DOT: Please, what could possibly go wrong in an oh-so-typical outing like ours? You just keep doin' your half of the work, Brain, and us poor, defenseless kiddies will be fine. Besides, we've got cavemen to protect us! BARNEY: Sure thing, Dot....we won't let nothin' happen to you! FRED: You said it, pal.... BRAIN: Hmm....I still don't like the sounds of this. I think we'd better join you in Massachusettes...are you heading for Boston? DOT: Oooohhh, I *knew* something was in Massachusettes! Couldn't remember what, though..... BRAIN: (Slaps his face) We'll just meet all of there, where we'll regroup and head back to Burbank together. (Brain hangs up) BILLIE: The usual problems? BRAIN: *Yes*....though they don't sound as if they've picked up any extraneous characters save for Fred and Barney. Though they assured me that they could handle those "ninja thug" rejects, I told them we're heading for Boston to join them. PINKY: Oh, goody! This'll be so much fun! Um...they do have Chunk
E. Cheezy's there, don't they? BRAIN: (Sighs) To Beantown, Mr. Chan, and step on it.... (As they change course for Boston, we cut away from the mice, and to the Warners half of the crew some time later...we see that all the occupants in the car have fallen asleep, with Fred still awake and driving/providing the car's power; they all wake up....) DOT: (Groggy) *Yawn*.... hey, Fred, are we there yet? FRED: Don't worry, kids, we're almost there! YABBA-DABBA-DOO! BARNEY: Geez, Fred, not so loud....(yawns) At least, not till we get somethin' to eat---I'm starvin'! FRED: Patience, Bernard, patience...we'll get somethin' to eat soon! BARNEY: Gee, Fred, usually you'd stop off at a half dozen places by now, but I guess you must be on a diet or somethin'... WAKKO: (Looks at the scenery) Gee, Boston sure looks funny.... DOT: Yeah...didn't think it looked this tree-filled. But I guess that's New England for you... AXEL: (Rubbing his head, looking around) Geez, those anvils hurt like (bleep)! Good thing that aspirin's kickin' in, or I... (looks at the scenery) Say, guys....we were headin' for Boston, right? DOT: Right... AXEL: Then why the (bleep) did we just pass that sign readin' "Welcome to Rhode Island"? WAKKO: Uh....I dunno. Maybe we took a wrong turn? BARNEY: Hey, Fred....we missed the turn-off for Boston! DOT: And I appreciate you not pronouncing it "Bostone".... FRED: I know....but don't worry, Barn---it's a short cut! BARNEY: Longest short cut I've ever seen..... (The car continues down its path, however, we see it pass through several small Rhode Island towns...the gang looks a bit concerned....) DOT: OK, I *know* this isn't anywhere *near* Boston... Fred, are you sure we're goin' the right way? BARNEY: Yeah, Fred, maybe you should let me drive... FRED: Sure, we're goin' the right way.... (They pass a sign, which Wakko, with his head out the "window", tears off as his head hits it....) DOT: Wakko, are you all right? WAKKO: Sure.....but this sign isn't. (Takes it out of his mouth) Hey, look! DOT & AXEL: (Reading it) "Welcome... to.... Quahog". Quahog? Say, isn't that the town where----aw, geez! AXEL: OK, Fred, we're way off-course! Stop the car! FRED: Sure! (They pull to a stop in front of a very familiar looking house, and all get out...) DOT: I know we've seen this house before.... AXEL: Yeah....but where? BARNEY: OK, Fred, what's the joke? Why'd ya drag us to, uh, wherever here is? FRED: Joke?! (Laughs; however, his eyes turn fiery red, and his laugh grows more and more maniacal) The only joke around here is *YOU*! (Laugh becomes truly frightening, as Barney, Wakko, Dot, and Axel begin to shake...) BARNEY: Uh....F-Fred?! (Fred says nothing, but grabs all four of them in headlocks and drags them into the house...once inside, we see the foursome's faces look completely shocked, as they see....) STEWIE GRIFFIN: Hello...."puppy children". (Dum-Dum-DUUUUUMMMMM....) WARNERS & AXEL: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! BARNEY: Hey, Fred, w-what's goin' on here?! Why's that baby sound like those snooty guys on PBS? STEWIE: SILENCE! Your questions will be answered soon enough.... but first: a bit of self-gratifying laughter! (Laughs for awhile) Oh, this is *too* rich....you were so *stupid*! DOT: All right, you little brat--where's the real Fred? AXEL: And I bet you have somethin' to do with those "Team Ninja" (bleep)s! STEWIE: Hush, all of you! I shall endeavour to explain: you're all here for my plan of revenge! Yes, thwarting my various schemes of evil with your madcap merriment....but anyway, my plans are as follows: you shall all remain prisoner here until your rodent friends show up to play "hero". Once here, I'll capture them and release you to, well, these guys...I assume you know them? (Presses a button; a bookcase rotates, revealing....) AXEL: TEAM NINJA! You're working with Stewie?! SHERYL: That's right... MIKEY: We can have a little freelance work on the side, can't we? Besides, Plotz just cares about capturin' you guys....he didn't say *how*. And check it out---we captured both your little friend *and* your big one! (They step aside to reveal Yakko and Fred, tied up in toon-escape-proof ropes with festive Thanksgiving colors....) BARNEY: FRED! If that's Fred, than who...? STEWIE: Nothing more than recycled stock footage, my friends...with me controlling his voice via remote control! Oh, that was funny...Team Ninja switched El Lardo with this fake one back at that hospital, and none of you even noticed! (Laughs) And you even bought that whole "I'm beaten up by my abusive wife" story! (Laughs some more) DOT: *Knew* that "my wife hits me" dialogue sounded like somethin' from your lame show... STEWIE: Anyway, once we capture your mousey friends, we'll turn
you puppy-children over to Plotz for a handsome sum....and *I'll* hang onto the mice for
further personal torment! (Laughs) AXEL: (Struggling to break free from the fake-Fred's grip) Uh....unhh.... look, as soon as I get free, you're gonna get the spankin' of your (bleep) life! We're tryin' to save *Thanksgiving* here! STEWIE: Ooooh, there's a noble cause....save a holiday that involves me eating puree turkey while watching my esteemed patriarch scarf down food like some ravenous hyena before passing out on the couch...no thank you. DOT: Well, there's one flaw to your plan...the Brain doesn't know we're in Rhode Island. We told him we were going to Boston! STEWIE: Oh, *really*? Well, we'll see about *that*! (Presses another button on his remote, and we see a stock footage Dot enter the room, with a cell phone in tow; he uses the remote to make her dial it, and talk....) "DOT": Hello, Brain? We've gotten a bit lost along the way to Boston...uh-huh....we've stopped off at a little town in Rhode Island named Quahog...yeah, I know it sounds familiar....anyway, could you meet us there? Can't miss it---Fred's car is parked out front. Anyway, gotta go. Love ya lots! Ta-ta! (Hangs up, and dismisses the recycled stock footage of Dot) DOT: Hey! .... I *never* say "love ya lots"! STEWIE: Don't talk back to me! Or the only thing you'll be saying is your life story to St. Peter! Now then, we'll all just wait.... "Fred"? ("Fred" walks the foursome over to the Team Ninja guys, and we soon see them tied up as well....). AXEL: Great...this is just beatin' all (bleep) out of hangin' up turkey decorations for Thanksgivin'..... (In walks Stewie's family...) LOIS (the mother): Aw, look....Stewie's playing Cowboys and Indians! That's so cute...he's trying to get into the spirit of Thanksgiving! DOT: (to the others) *They're* celebrating Thanksgiving? How ironic that the one group of people we *want* to avoid in our promoting efforts... PETER (the Father): Ooooh, and you can tell that *this* one's a *redskin*....because he's wearin' a Detroit Lions jacket! (Does his inane laugh at his nonsensical remark, as the heroes all frown at him) AXEL: What kind of (bleep) joke was *that*?! (Bleep) you, ya sorry (bleep)in' (bleep)! We've seen your piece of (bleep) show---it's probably the least respectful piece of (bleep) to come down the pike in years! PETER: Hey, I'm not insensitive! I have *plenty* of respect for...um...you people. (Hands Lois his wallet, and signals for her to hide it, making Axel and the others more ticked off) But that's exactly the sort of thing I'd expect from---a dirty *Commie*! (Laughs inanely) AXEL: (Shaking his seat with annoyance/rage) (BLEEP)! I'M A U.S. (BLEEP)IN' CONGRESSMAN! PETER: Sure ya are....just like I'm sure that these three are here for more than pickin' fruit.... (Yells loudly) NO SPEAK ENGLISH, YES? YOU....PICK...FRUIT....WE....PAY..YOU....NICKEL...A...DAY! YOU...NOT...STAY...HERE....AND...DRAIN...OUR....RESOURCES..BY...BECOMING...CITIZENS! DOT: (In perfect Spanish, out of spite) (I think the only waste of resources is whatever ink was used to create *you*, pal....) YAKKO: (Also in perfect Spanish) (Agreed, Dot....but is it possible that this serves not a waste of resources, but a purpose by the cosmos to remind us to be on guard against the rise of such loathsome creatures?) DOT: (In perfect Spanish) (Perhaps so, Yakko...I think Pablo Neruda had something to say about this once....) PETER: (Laughs inanely (as if he had a different way of laughing, I know....)) You silly Mexicans...I'm sure whatever you said wasn't as important as what *I* said, since I *know* English.... (Pointless "Family Guy"-style aside with Peter trying to pass himself off as "Masterpiece Theater"'s host; cut back to this scene) OK, then, I'll just stick with watchin' some old "M*A*S*H" reruns and makin' witty comments about 'em! (Whispers) I think Klinger's....you know.... (makes stereotypical hand-swishing motion) (High pitched voice) Oooh-la-laaa.... (Shocked by this rampant idiocy, the others begin to scream and try to break free of their bonds, along with yelling for help....) LOIS: Let's go, dear....we'll let Stewie play with 'em while we go have a little snack in the kitchen...maybe they can stay for a few days.... PETER: OK, then.... (they exit, Peter laughing for no good reason) BARNEY: (Panicked by the sheer wave of outrageous stupidity) Aw, geez---I can't take this! We gotta get outta here! How'd *they* even get on TV anyway?! DOT: (Greatly annoyed) Don't ask.... (sighs) I just hope Brain gets here *soon*.... STEWIE: Indeed, Missy....as do *I*! (Dum-Dum-duuummm....) (More commercials play, promoting the big "Crass Hyperconsumerist Day After Thanksgiving" sale at various sponsors' stores....then cut back to the story....) (Cut to the Brain's van. Headed towards Quahog, everyone's in a state of wonderment about the situation. "Smuggler's Blues" by Glenn Frey is playing on the radio) BRAIN: (Singing along with the radio) There's trouble on the streets tonight/I can feel it in my bones (Speaking) Boy, this doesn't sound good. Quahog, to my understanding, has the highest hate crime rate in Rhode Island. BILLIE: How can you confirm that? BRAIN: Well, the incidents all spring from the...Griffin residence? Oh, no! BILLIE: Oh, c'mon, surely there's more than one Griffin family in Quahog. BRAIN: Let's test your assumption. Jackie, please stop at that diner up ahead. JACKIE: Okay, but how much apple pie can you eat? PINKY: I was thinking the same thing! POIT! BRAIN: We need to find a local phone book. Billie, how's the money situation? BILLIE: $500...is that OK? BRAIN: More than! I'll order some food for us. BILLIE: Wow, you eat at "greasy spoons". You sing along with Joan Jett songs. What's up with you? BRAIN: (Grave sounding) I'm trying to take it a little more easy now. Nothing wrong with some relaxation. I'm finally coming to realize that maybe I should just give up on my pursuit of World Domination. Every time I try, I fail spectacularly, and you and Pinky don't offer reassurance. You call me crazy, you fault my plans, you mess with my emotions...and it's finally gotten to me. I'm abandoning my world domination plan for this adventure, and abandoning my pursuits for all time. Billie, you're the genius and I'm the fool. I give up! BILLIE: (Excitedly) *REALLY*? (Catching herself, solemnly) Really? That's too bad. I don't know why you think it should end that way. BRAIN: (Sadly, with a hint of resentment) I just told you! BILLIE: No, you didn't! BRAIN: Oh, shut up! JACKIE: Guys, can we exit the van now? (It turns out they've been parked all this time) BRAIN: (Monotone) Very well. (Our heroes enter the diner. On a jukebox, the song "Crazy" by Patsy Cline is playing.) TOHRU: Waitress? (The waitress turns around, and it turns out to be news reporter Wendy Franchetti, from "Warner Academy 2: The Infant Strikes Back.") WENDY: Whaddya want, Tall, Fat and Handsome? TOHRU: Directions to the phone booth in this place...and a cup of coffee! WENDY: Okay, phone booths are by that Pac-Man machine. Make sure to use phone 2, because Phone 1 is on the fritz and Phone 3 has been disconnected. TOHRU: Thank you! Is there a phone book there? WENDY: Yeah, you'll recognize it. It has some dried apple-pie filling on it. BRAIN: Wendy? What are you doing here? WENDY: Well, Brain, I've been bouncing from station to station across the nation. PINKY: Hey, you're a poet and you don't know it! ZORT! WENDY: I know, I know. Anyway, times are tough because of this recession. I'm still reporting, but I also have to work as a waitress to make ends meet. How WGN and the Tribune Co. managed to land me at some podunk station in Rhode Island is beyond me. BRAIN: I was about to ask. You do know that we're only a few miles away from Stewie. WENDY: Painfully aware. That crude lardbucket Peter is always in here. He orders pie and makes suggestive remarks. He keeps grabbing my butt and says: "I was looking at the rump roast", then laughs like an idiot. Worst of all, he's taking his family here for Thanksgiving. I swear, that man is a monster, and his family equals his idiocy. With any luck, I'll be transferred to South Carolina soon. BRAIN: Why South Carolina? WENDY: It's just a nice and sunny place. Anything to escape here. BRAIN: I'd help, but we're on a mission to take down this Team Ninja contingent. WENDY: Sounds like something from your former network! BRAIN: *Don't* remind me. (Tohru reappears.) Ah, Tohru....is there more than one Griffin family in Quahog? TOHRU: No. Just the one. BRAIN: (Slaps his own forehead) Ugh, I need a drink! WENDY: Tell ya what! Cup of coffee...I'll foot the bill! BRAIN: Thank you! (Cut to some time later, after the gang's had their meal...) BRAIN: Well, the highway's a-calling. We have to leave. PINKY: Oh, but this hoop on the coffee cup is so fun to jump through! NARF! WENDY: Okay, that's 30 dollars! (Billie pays Wendy, plus leaves a sizable tip...) WENDY: Thank you! Good luck on your mission! BRAIN: Good luck to you! I hope you get to South Carolina. Who knows? I might join you there someday. (Whispers to Wendy) It's not like I'd be missed. (Pan over to Pinky and Billie, laughing insanely over something. Our heroes exit the diner and enter the van) BRAIN: Next stop, the Griffin residence of Quahog! (The van zooms into the night....) (More commercials play, promoting "the top 10 ways you can save money for Christmas stuff by not spending it on Thanksgiving junk" on the late local news.....) (Cut to the following morning, at the Griffin residence....we see that the heroes are all still tied up, while Stewie and "Team Ninja" are talking on the phone to Plotz...) STEWIE: That's right, Plotz...your hired goons and I have captured those wretched puppy-children of yours. We're prepared to send them back to Burbank for you to do with as you wish, as soon as you send payment....direct deposit, preferably. (Sounds on the phone of Plotz sounding elated) Wonderful! Very well, they'll be there by tomorrow.....(listens some more) Yes, I suppose someone else can sign for them if you're not home. Very well--ta-ta! (Stewie hangs up, and clasps his fingers together) Excellent! Soon, I shall have both the financial means to aid my world domination quest, *and* have the Brain in my clutches! MIKEY: Oooh, baby, we're gonna get *paiiiid*... this "Team Ninja" thing of yours has got to be the best idea you ever came up with! SHERYL: Aw, thanks, sweetie....being evil is so much hard work, ya know.... (they smooch) STEWIE: (Makes a face) Yeurgh...take that somewhere else! (He thr |