*, on the WBC Story Board!
(The image finally forms itself into a coherent pattern of the
sibs' faces, with their coloring reverting to normal, as the clarinet music hits a
(Cut into the actual story... iris in on Axel Foley's Detroit
apartment, at night. Dressed in a white T-shirt and polka-dotted boxers, The Main Man
himself is sweating and mumbling in his bed. Per his gained political role in "Mr.
Foley Goes to Washington", we see various papers on a dresser near the bed reading:
"URGENT! Cast Vote On This *BEFORE* Heading Back to Detroit For Thanksgiving
AXEL: The hammer? Why'd you use the (bleep)ing hammer? Put it
down! Put It Down! PUT IT DOWN! NOW! NO! OH NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(BLEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP)! (Axel jolts out of his nightmare. His eyes are red and
dilated. We can see a scar on his left cheek. He gasps for air.) I'm....ALIVE! It was all
a dream! Space, the Valley Girls, the Mobsters, that demented drug-dealer's daughter...It
was all a sick dream!* Heh-heh-heh...Hokey smokes, that was terrible! I need a pot of
coffee! (* - Actually, more like the apparently-yet-to-be-finished chainlink
"Spaced-Out Warners" that Axel's referring to.... ---Brainatra, editor)
(We see a small montage, set to a slow piano-and-saxophone
styling of the "Animaniacs" version of the "Beverly Hills Cop" theme .
Axel puts on some coffee, mis-accessorizes in a pair of white pants to get his morning
paper, gets a pastry from "Duncan's Donuts" (with a picture of Dexter
"Freakazoid" Douglas' muscle-head brother on the sign), and hops on an elevator
to get back to his apartment. He looks at his paper, and notices the headline
"Thanksgiving:The Official Start of the Holiday Season Just A Week Away". He
lets out a smile as above his head we see him eating a large meal with his large family
(who look like The Klumps from "The Nutty Professor"). As Axel enters his
apartment, the music changes to "Over The River and Through The Woods" as used
in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special.)
AXEL: I'll have to round up my family this year. It'll be great
fun to see Mom, Dad and the rest of the family. I'll need to buy and make the turkey,
though. (Thinks) Hmm... (Shakes his head at the thought of cooking) Oh, (bleep)! With any
luck, I can just order Italian and Chinese!
(Cut to a mouth emitting a loud belch. We zoom out and we see
that it's Wakko Warner behind the burp.)
WAKKO: Sure! (Wakko swallows it, bottle and all) MMM...Dee-lish!
DOT: Well, pretty soon, it'll be turkey time!
YAKKO: What, Warner Brothers is releasing a new movie?
DOT: Thanksgiving, silly! Let's see what suggestions Martha
YAKKO: Helloooooooo, Ms. "Good Thing"!
(Yakko turns on their television set.)
MARTHA STEWART: And that's how to make stuffing out of apples,
wheat bread and cake frosting! Next, we'll be talking about...
(The signal breaks and is replaced by...)
HYPERACTIVE ANNOUNCER (sounds like Mr. Plotz, but 30 years
younger): Get a jump on your Christmas shopping! Be sure to pick up the items your kids
love right now, or they'll turn on you when they're older. We've got the newest cartoon
merchandise from Japan, Fisher-Price Action Hero dolls, and the new Britney Spears CD!
Plus more Pokemon! So forget about Thanksgiving. Who likes eating turkey and cranberry
sauce, when you could be munching on candy canes and hot chocolate? Get a jump on your
Christmas shopping instead!
(The TV shuts off, thanks to Yakko's wielding of the remote....)
DOT: What the heck was that?!
YAKKO: Aaaahhh, sounds like another pathetic, crassly greedy
attempt at subverting yet another holiday in the name of profit and power. Either that, or
"Lucky" and "Safeway" have *major* problems with Turkey Day.
WAKKO: No Thanksgiving stuff on sale?! But I want to eat turkey!
YAKKO: Great! First it was Christmas...and now, *this*. Well,
there's only one thing to do!
(Cut back to Detroit. Axel is hanging pictures of turkeys around
his apartment, when his phone rings.)
AXEL: (As he picks up) Hello?
WAKKO: Helloooo, foul-mouth!
AXEL: Oh no, not you! What do you want?
YAKKO: Aaaahhh, just turn on your TV, OK? Trust me on this...
(Cut back to the TV set some time later...we see a barrage of
Christmas-related images, interspersed with clips of various Pokemon characters....an
announcer's voice is then heard:)
ANNOUNCER: On Wednesday---Wednesday---*WEDNESDAY*---tune in to
the most massive, spectacular parade ever hosted! Live from Los Angeles, its the
first annual CHRISTMAS WEEK PARADE! As part of a weeks worth of massive
Christmas-related festivities (a brief graphic of the various sponsors of the
parades logos are shown) this will be the most massive, phenomenal, biggest parade
in *HISTORY*! (Shots of some of the floats to be shown are seen---all themed around
Pikachu, "Smallville" (some guy with ordinary street clothes and a tag reading
"Clark Kent: NOT Superboy"), "Yu-Gi-Oh", "Dragonball Z",
various other anime shows, a giant AOL startup disk, and others....) Carried live on the
WB, NBC, CNN, PDQ, ASAP, and a few other acronym networks we havent thought of or
bought out yet, what other way to kick-start your Christmas spending---er, shopping, into
overdrive! Wednesday! Accompanied on the WB by a week-long, round-the-clock
"Christmas Week" episode marathon: all your favorite holiday shows like "A
Very Special Poke-Christmas", "A Very Special Yu-Gi-Oh Hanukkah", and
others ---*dont miss it!!*
(We see the ad end with a shot of Pikachu with crudely-inserted
graphics of Santa Claus beard/clothes slapped over him, with a few
"pika-pika"s being heard. Cut back to the sibs watching this in their
water tower, all looking quite shocked.)
DOT: Uck. (Her sibs stare at her) Hey, what can I say? Had to
make up a new word for this---thing....
YAKKO: Suppose thisll affect our Turkey Day celebration
much at all?
(Wakko changes channels, to find Dan Blather giving a
DAN: Good evening.....tonight, we view the near-forgotten stature
of the holiday called....er, um... (checks his notes) ah, yes, Thanksgiving. Once a year,
wed normally anticipate the scarfing down of massive amounts of turkey, followed by
collapsing on the couch to watch a football game. However, in recent years, the Christmas
rush has steadily been pushed back earlier and earlier, all but overshadowing
Thanksgiving---*almost*. However, one company hopes to change this "almost" to
"not at all". (We see a picture of Plotz show up on an inset screen behind Dan)
Im speaking with one Thaddeus Plotz, CEO of Warner Bros....Mr. Plotz, could you tell
us what exactly this "Christmas Week" promotion will hope to accomplish?
PLOTZ: Certainly....as you know, the Christmas sales season is
the biggest sales period of the year for us mega-corporations. However, Thanksgiving, that
one-day, low-cost day of the year never did make us much money: having to give workers the
day off, nothing to merchandise, no cutesy "Thanksgiving Day Songs" or
anything....feh! So, us CEO boys got together over some martinis at the country club, and
hammered out between tennis sets *this*: "Christmas Week"---an effort designed
to completely eliminate the profit-making interference that Thanksgiving poses! Itll
overshadow the day to the point that it may as well not even *exist*! And of course, by
said day off for workers still being there, they can spend the time and money for a whole
*day* at department stores for "Christmas Week" sales---its a win-win
situation all around! HA!
DAN: And it does seem to be succeeding---already, Americans seem
to be thinking about what to spend their hard-earned dollars on in terms of materialistic
presents, more than what type of stuffing to serve. Even supermarkets are reporting an
emphasis on waiting until close to Christmas Day to put turkey, cranberry sauce, and other
traditional Thanksgiving goodies on sale for reduced prices...
WAKKO: (Screaming) NO! FOR ALL THATS HOLY----AAAAAAHHHHH!
YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, everything all right there, Wakko? Havent
seen you react like that since they cancelled "Charlies Angels"....
WAKKO: Sorry---but no cheap turkeys?! No cheap macaroni and
cheese shells?! No discounts on bread rolls or sweet potato pie or....or....(sobs a bit
DOT: There, there, Wakko....Im sure itll be all
right. I mean, it cant get much worse....
(Suddenly, we hear a knock on the water tower door....Dot opens
it, and we see standing outside are the Brain, Billie, Pinky, and Axel Foley. All look
DOT: Whoa....three mice and a vice....
DOT: If that mouth of yours is anything, its a
"vice".... though I hear theres a program to help you break from that
AXEL: (Bleep) you, ya little---whatever-you-are! We dont
have time for this!
BRAIN: Indeed...we came about Plotzs plans for this----
BRAIN: Indeed....basically, this "Week" would interfere
with my latest plan to take over the world!
DOT: And that plan would be...?
BRAIN: (With "spooky" music playing) As everyone knows,
the time after a heavy Thanksgiving meal is usually spent by millions lying on the couch
in a mentally and physically dazed stupor, after a meal laden with turkey, stuffing,
pumpkin and sweet potato pie, and so forth, watching football! The combination of such
calorie-laden foodstuffs, the mind-numbing nature of American football, and the usual
consumption of various beverages, intoxicating or not, will leave those viewers in a prime
state for mental suggestion! At the halftime of a nationally televised football game, I
will make an appearance and give a manifesto urging these viewers to make me supreme
ruler, thereby allowing me to take over the world!
DOT: And so, this "Christmas Week" thing would run
mega-interference with all that, huh?
BRAIN: Y-E-E-S! That is why we want to assist...
AXEL: And Im here since I was told that this thing means
there wont be any Thanksgiving food on sale for dirt cheap! Do you know how much my
family eats?! Im not gonna go broke trying to buy some (bleep) turkey and sweet
DOT: Gee, and I thought youd be busy holding up any
worthwhile social progress in D.C., but I guess you really *are* a sweet mamas boy
at heart.... (pinches Axels cheek, which snaps back, with Axel cursing in pain)
YAKKO: Hey, why dont ya hit up some of those megacorporate
donors for some cash? Im sure after how much cash theyve blown lobbying you to
kill all those bills, a few more bucks wont hurt...
AXEL: (BLEEP)! I did *not* kill a bunch of bills----
DOT: ---too often, anyway.
AXEL: Shut up! Besides, I only did that---- (counts on his
fingers, and mentally...)
AXEL: (Annoyed) Er, *never mind*! Besides, you (bleep)s
wont get to take it too easy in all this either!
BILLIE: While coming here, we overheard some studio exec talking
about a promo for this involving you guys...
BILLIE: Yeah....it basically involves all of you guys running
around in cheap-looking elf costumes and singing Kids WB action show-themed
Christmas songs with Baloney the dinosaur and about a gazillion Pokemon....
YAKKO: Thats it! (Yakko pulls out three suitcases and hands
one of each to his sibs) Theres no alternative! Weve got to
DOT: Beats saving *Arbor Day*, I guess... let's get yet another
wacky, fun-filled fan fiction adventure started.
YAKKO: That's the spirit! Don't let the risk of this turning into
another repetitive, pointless waste of bandwidth as past stories get in the way!
DOT: (Flatly) I'll try not to let it do so...
(Cut to a few moments later, as the group is walking along the
street outside the studio lot...)
BRAIN: I suppose coming up with some sort of plan is in
order....lets see....how to prevent the public from falling sway to this corporate
propaganda, so that theyll fall sway to *my* propaganda...hmm....
PINKY: Um, will this involve running around and gathering enough
wacky, funny, silly-willy characters to re-stage the Normandy landing with all sorts of
funny, zany repetitive jokes and ninja-thug fight scenes and stuff like that? HAHAHAHA!
BRAIN: (Annoyed) *Certainly not*! (To the sibs, before they say
anything) And if any of you even *think* of stopping at a certain restaurant while on this
mission, youll all regret it!
WAKKO: Aww, cmon....
DOT: But well be your best friend!
BRAIN: (Shudders) Still *no*. Instead, we shall be going to much
finer eating facilities...anything at an Olive Gardener level on up only!
WAKKO: (Disappointed) *Olive Gardener*?! The place where the food
takes a whole *20* minutes to arrive?! I cant wait that long!
BRAIN: Well, *tough*. Now lets get going before we wind up
attracting the obligatory gargantuan cast of worthless characters for this thing...
DOT: No kidding....
(Cut to Plotz, whos in his board room with Lydia Karaoke
and various other CEOs is seen gloating over sales figure projections from all
PLOTZ: I love it, *love it*! Were gonna be rich rich
LYDIA KARAOKE: Lovely, sir....but theres one snag: Ralph
the guard reports that for those promos you want to make, were missing one thing...
PLOTZ: Whats that?
LYDIA: The Warners. Those naughty kids were seen bailing from the
studio lot again, with that potty-mouthed policeman-turned-congressman and those
laboratory mice in tow.
PLOTZ: (Worried) Oh, no---theyre gonna try to destroy my
wonderful, wonderful plan like they did in that Christmas plan-thingy! Ohhh... (sucks his
thumb in panic, but sees the others staring at him, and yanks it out.) (Sternly) OK----any
means for *how* we can stop them before they mess things up for us *again*?!?
LYDIA: Well, weve made preparations to stop them again after the infamous Christmas
outing incident... (* - specifically, "Have Yourselves a Wakko Little
Christmas" ---Brainatra) Take a look at the screen there....
(Plotz looks at a monitor...we see on it is some sort of robotic
PLOTZ: Hey! That looks like...
LYDIA: Yes, I know....we *were* going to create an all-new,
original, and creatively different robot, but at the last minute, the other execs and I
decided just to recycle an old idea under the excuse of a "creative
re-interpretation" motif. So, we bring you----*GRIFFINO*!
(We see on the screen that it is indeed Griffino, the evil
android creation of Stewie Griffin from "Warner Academy 2", on the screen, all
primed to go....)
LYDIA: Reinforced with triple-titanium shielding, and lacking any
visible wires or tubes to snip or fray, itll take out and bring back those naughty
cartoon children quickly and easily, and lock them back in their little yellow water
tower! And, thanks to recycling an old robot, we didnt have to spend much money to
PLOTZ: Er, where did you get it? It looks a lot like something
from one of our competitors....
LYDIA: We bought it at some familys yard sale in Rhode
Island for $5....some intelligent baby with a football-shaped head was selling it to raise
money for "his evil scheme for totalitarian conquest of Earth and Rugrats
PLOTZ: Brilliant! Well write the purchase amount off on
next years taxes as a "charitable contribution to minors"! Dispatch this
"Griffino" at once.... (sinister laughter)
(And as Plotz and company prepare to recycle lame old ideas in an
all-too-typical corporate-minded manner, we cut back to our heroes. As we see them round a
corner, to find that they apparently wont be spared from the fate of too many
extraneous characters after all, for they see....)
PINKY: (Gasps; excited) Its Fred Flintstone and his best
friend Barney Rubble! NAAAARF!
(Sure enough, its none other than Fred Flintstone and
Barney Rubble of the "Flintstones" fame, standing next to Freds car and
looking over a newspaper)
FRED: Cant believe the nerve of those Warner Bros. guys....
BARNEY: Yeah, no kidding...
(The gang walks up)
BRAIN: At the risk of taking on our first extraneous bunch of
characters, is something wrong?
FRED: You bet there is, pal! Just got off the horn with Plotz,
and got told that a Thanksgiving Day marathon on Cartoon Network of our old shows is
bein pre-empted for a marathon of Christmas-oriented "Dragonball Z"
episodes! (Annoyed) WHAT THE HECKS A "DRAGONBALL Z", SOME KINDA JOUSTING
BRAIN: Trust me, you dont want to know....
FRED: Boy, 40 years of entertainment service and we get knocked
aside for some show even less well animated than we were. (Rubs his forehead) If only Mr.
Barbara were still here....
DOT: Well, we are! And were gonna try to get the public to
get back to a more Thanksgiving frame of mind! (Wakko holds a picture frame up over his
FRED: Yeah? Hows that?
BRAIN: Were not sure...but "getting the public back in
that frame of mind" might be the trick!
WAKKO: (Holding up a deck of cards) Here, pick a card! (Wiggles
(Fred does so, but Dot smacks it away; an explosions heard
DOT: Dont bother...we dont have time for this right
BRAIN: If we were to encourage the public through some sort of
reminders of the Thanksgiving elements they loved the most, we could easily turn the tide
away from this Christmas commercialism onslaught and ruin Plotzs scheme! YES!
PINKY: Egad, brilliant Brain! Oh, no, wait, no---how will we do
BRAIN: We could travel around the country to various key places
and try to encourage a change in attitude! But the key will be thwarting the
"Christmas Week" parade on Wednesday that Plotz is using to try to thwart all
this! Football games, shopping malls, and supermarkets should be our key areas of focus of
DOT: I dunno, Brain....we dont have any pirate radio
stations or police badges or anything! Were just a bunch of crazy, lovable cartoon
AXEL: Speak for yourself....
DOT: ...that, and a politician---which in itself is probably
another knock against us. (Axel mutters to himself) Besides, how will we get the
medias attention if theyre all running Christmas commercial stuff?! Especially
with that parade being next Wednesday---a week away!
BRAIN: Well, we must try anyway! Encouraging the public to keep
true to its Thanksgiving roots is the only hope for my world domination goal---er, *our*
FRED: And Barney and I are willin to help!
BARNEY: Yeah....besides, with how much Fred eats, we need all the
cheap groceries we can get! (Does his trademark chuckle)
FRED: Droll, Barney, very droll... (to the others) Cmon! My
car awaits! (Pan over to see Fred jerking his thumb towards the Flintstone-mobile....the
others look at this oddly.)
DOT: Great....and to think Ive been having nightmares about
that "FlintWarners" fanfic thing we did....
(Everyone gets into Freds car, and Fred does the
Flintstones feet-starter thing. The car takes off down the road....)
(Cut to the open road, where we see Freds car wind its way
down the highway, with Fred at the wheel, Barney and the lab mice in the front seat, and
the Warners and Axel in the back. The car radio is playing rock music (natch),
specifically "R-O-C-K In the U.S.A."; Yakko is playing with his paddleballs, Dot
is reading a copy of "Vague" magazine, Wakko sticks his head out the back
"window", and the mice are going over Brains plans (with Pinky humming the
"Flintstones" theme song and giggling intermittently). Axel, though, looks quite
AXEL: (Annoyed) (BLEEP) this! What do I look like, a
(bleep)in V6 engine?! My (bleep) feet are (bleep)in killin me! This is a
pain in the (bleep)in (bleep)---runnin down the (bleep) road like some sort of
(bleep) (bleep) (bleep)! (Looks at the sibs) (BLEEP)! Why arent you (bleep)s
helpin out here?!
YAKKO: (With his feet resting on the top of the front seat)
Aaaaahhhh.....I did this bit already. Remember that "FlintWarners" fanfic?
DOT: (Sitting in a folded, "Indian-style" position) Oh,
well, I had to read this engaging article on Celine Deons makeup skills...
(The radio changes to play Richard Stone-orchestrated music....)
BRAIN: (Also slightly disturbed) I must concur with Axels
motor-related comment---just *how* are we able to obtain such a fair rate of speed when I
cant find any visible means of motorized propulsion?
PINKY: Oh, um, lessee....(hums the Flintstones' theme song)
"da da...da da da dah....lets ride with the family down the street, through
the---" Oh, right, Brain, its "through the courtesy of Freds two
feet"! POIT! HAHAHA!
BRAIN: (Slightly annoyed) How grossly unscientific...the fastest
humans on Earth can only attain speeds between 25 and 30 miles per hour....besides,
weve managed to go over hills with not much hassle...
AXEL: (Rubbing one of his feet) Speak for yourself, shorty...
BRAIN: ...so there must be something else this car is running on.
BILLIE: Uh....fossil fuel? (She giggles, as does Pinky)
BRAIN: (Rolling his eyes) Very well, then...
(The music on the radio now changes to play a Sly and the Family
Stone song...get the gag by now, folks?)
BILLIE: Well, they did fill up for gas on occasion on the old
"Flintstones" show....though I guess their cars are more actually like mopeds
rather than completely human powered....
BARNEY: Uh, beats me....Im no mechanic! Usually I just hit
the side of our TV set when the picture gets all fuzzy! (Chuckles)
YAKKO: (Stops playing with his paddleballs) Speaking of
Flintstones mysteries, how come when you guys hit the "brakes" your legs never
got torn off?
FRED: (Startled) Well, gee, I....
WAKKO: And how can you guys celebrate Christmas when you live in
prehistoric times, before Christs birth?
FRED: (Startled) Er....
BRAIN: As long as theyre asking questions, how can
dinosaurs and cavepeople co-exist when the dinosaurs died out approximately 63 million
years before the earliest humans even first appeared?
PINKY: And how did you train all those fun-fun, silly willy
animals to be showers and record players and washing machines and stuff?
DOT: And did you have to clean up after all those animals, or
were they all potty-trained?
YAKKO: And how old *is* Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm right now? One
series theyre 1, the next series, theyre 16, then theyre 20-something,
married and with kids of their own, then the following special, back to babies! And Brain
says that *we* abuse the space-time continuum....
WAKKO: And how come you dont use dinosaurs or animals to
power your cars when you use them for everything else?
DOT: How does it feel to have your record for number of seasons
in primetime for an animated show broken by the "Simpsons" and then some?
FRED: (Growing more annoyed) All right---
WAKKO: Do you think that Homer Simpsons shaded area around
his mouth is just a ripoff of your mouths?
DOT: Whos cuter, Maggie Simpson or Pebbles?
PINKY: How come Bamm-Bamm had super-strength? Was he from
BILLIE: Did the Rubbles ever look for Bamm-Bamms original
YAKKO: Is the "Flintstone Kids" canonical?
WAKKO: How can Mr. Slate have been a "Kid" when he
seemed way older than you are?
BILLIE: Did Wilmas lipstick ever smudge or come off?
YAKKO: Can we meet that Schleprock guy when we're through?
DOT: Why did you guys team up with the Shmoo and the Thing?
YAKKO: Why weren't you in "Laff-a-Lympics"? (Pats
Fred's stomach) Oh, *never mind*....
PINKY: Why were you always asking Wilma to "cook your dinner
before you got home" on the original show? Didnt you have any TV dinners or
pizza delivery? POIT!
WAKKO: What do bronto burgers taste like? Chicken?
DOT: Why do you always quit your job to go on half-baked schemes
that never work, only to return by the end of the show?
PINKY: How come everything on your show had the word
"rock" or "stone" or "sand" or something in its name?
BILLIE: What was it like going to work every day knowing your
boss could change appearance and/or names with every other episode? Or for that matter,
the name of your workplace?
WAKKO: Where did Barney work at on the old show, anyway? I guess
he works with you at the gravel pit now, but what was he doing on the old show?
DOT: Maybe he was working at McDonalds---excuse me,
YAKKO: Speaking of that pun name, howd you live down the
humiliation based on your show that were those two "Flintstones" movies?
DOT: Did Jackie Gleason ever try to sue you over your ripping off
stuff from the "Honeymooners" so blatantly?
WAKKO: You met the Jetsons, but how come you havent met the
PINKY: Do you think your show really "jumped the shark"
once they added that "Great Gazoo" guy? POIT!
WAKKO: Where can I get some of that giant food you guys always
had? (Licks his lips)
BILLIE: How *did* you grow food that large, anyway? Some sort of
BRAIN: Id like to know why you used animals for various
gadgetry when you apparently had electricity, seeing as how your television sets worked
much like conventional, modern-day ones...
(Everyone starts jabbering all at once, asking more and more
questions and debating the already-asked ones....we see Fred grow more and more irate,
until hes finally almost had it)
FRED: (Highly annoyed) All right, ALL RIGHT! Stop asking me---I
didnt write the show, OK? Ask those hack writers of ours! I just lived there!
(The car falls silent, save for the radio (now playing
"Stone Temple Pilots" music---yep, stretchin this joke for all its
worth, folks)....finally, Dot speaks up)
DOT: Say, Fred---if youre getting *some* exercise by all
this driving through the "courtesy of your two feet", then how come youre
still so fat? Is it those bronto burgers or what?
(Fred slams on the "brakes", pulling the car to a stop.
He turns around, now completely irate)
FRED: (Irate) OUT! *OUT*! ALL OF YOU! O-W-T, OUT!!!!
BARNEY: Aw, gee, Fred, lighten up---they were only curious....
FRED: (Irate) CURIOUS, NOTHING---THEYRE ACTING LIKE
THEYRE FROM THE FBI OR SOMETHING!
WAKKO: (Looking saddened) But we were only curious....please,
dont make us get out!
DOT: Yeah... we have to save Thanksgiving!
FRED: Oh, yeah? Give me one good reason why I should let you
YAKKO: (Pointing to something off-screen) Aaaahhhhh....well,
thats a good reason....
(They all turn to look at what Yakkos pointing to, and
gasp....it turns out to be 3 gunmen dressed in black. We hear "This Is Not
America" by David Bowie, playing in the background. the first one, in a demonic
voice, is the speaker of the group)
GUNMAN 1: My name is Seth. I come to kill. You're (bleep)ing with
Plotz's plans. You must be destroyed.
AXEL: AAAAAA...Yeah, right!
SETH: You don't believe me? Well, discuss that with Saint Peter.
You and him will make great friends. (With this, he whips out a Saturday Night Special and
launches a shot to Axel)
AXEL: (Bleep)! How come it's the human element that has to die?
Hold on! (A thought cloud appears above Axel's head. We see him take a bullet to the
mouth, only to chew it up and spit it back out in a hail, a la "Weird" Al
Yankovic in "UHF". He then looks at us as if to say "That can't happen. I'm
only going halfway". With this, Axel opens his mouth to catch the bullet. He falls
down as a fakery, but this manages to fool Pinky)
PINKY: Axel? AXEL, WAKE UP! What did those mean people do to you?
(Axel rests for a few more seconds, then opens his eyes and
smiles at Pinky)
WARNERS: (Facing us) Darn! We thought we were rid of him for
(Axel spits the bullet into a garbage can, then runs over to the
gunmen. He karate-chops each of them, and gives them pokes to the eyes, like the Three
Stooges. Seth ends up so blinded, he shoots himself and his fellow gunmen in the feet.)
SETH: Okay! I give up, but mark my words! I will be back, and you
will regret it! Put down the guns, boys, and let's rest in the car!
(As Seth the Gunman and his cronies head to the car, Axel gets
some applause from the others.)
FRED: (Laughing) With any luck, those gunmen won't return!
YAKKO: Don't bet on it, Mr. "Man Called Flintstone".
Now, presuming that nothing else is going on right now, let's go to the deli, figure out
our plans, and get some sandwiches.
PINKY: Can't we go to M*ckey---(Pinky is thwapped on the head by
(Cut to an Olive Gardener restaurant, a fine mid-priced chain
dining establishment with cloth napkins and nary a "kids' meal" in sight; we see
Fred's car is parked out front. Inside, the heroes are all munching away at their food.
Wakko has a huge pile of food in front of him, nearly crowding out his two sibs' spots;
Fred has a large plate of ribs (natch); the others have various pasta dishes and salad.)
BRAIN: (Looking quite pleased) While I don't believe they quite
cooked the pasta al dente as I preferred, I must state that this establishment is light
years above that wretched McDonald's eatery...
WAKKO: (Looking disappointed) Hmph...there isn't even a single
plastic fork or cheaply-made toy with our meals! I don't think it's better... (takes a big
bite out of his food pile).
BILLIE: Sorry, but I'm siding with Eggy on this one....I think
all that M*ckeyD's food was starting to give me indigestion...
WAKKO: (Swallowing his huge bite of food in one gulp)
Indigestion? What's that?
DOT: Never mind...I'll explain later...
BRAIN: We'll eat here for the remainder of our mission...they've
got these restaurants all over the country!
(The Warners look rather disappointed at this....)
BRAIN: Don't bother with making those faces...my mind's made up.
(The sibs pout) But as for our plan, I propose that we split into two separate teams...
one team, led by me, shall try to stir up public support for the big nationally televised
football game on Thanksgiving Day. The other team shall emphasize the meal aspects of the
holiday, by encouraging people to get supermarkets to have Thanksgiving food-related
sales. Both teams shall also try to stir up feelings of "family togetherness"
and other manner of sentimental smarminess...we'll meet back in Burbank by the time that
"Christmas Week" parade takes place on Wednesday, and try to use public
sentiments to stop that parade itself! Any questions?
(The sibs all raise their hands, as does Pinky)
BRAIN: Any *intelligent* questions?
(The hands all go down)
BRAIN: Good. Now then, in light of past missions, I've noted
certain aspects repeated endlessly, almost like clockwork...
PINKY: Like the "two places at once" gag? HAHAHAHA!
BRAIN: (Annoyed) *Yes*, Pinky, to our eternal dismay....but I was
thinking more along the lines of the antagonists we face trying to thwart our efforts
through some sort of help---aka, the proverbial "ninja-thugs". And for the other
cliche, the gargantuan number of useless, extra characters that we always seem to
accumulate on these adventures...no offense, Mr. Flintstone.
FRED: (Munching on a spare rib) None taken...
BRAIN: So, in light of this fact, I've decided to actually *call*
for extra help that we actually *intentionally* could use, so that we don't need to pick
up all manner of characters along the way. The help I've called will wage battle against
any "ninja thugs" for us that we may encounter, giving us more time to actually
do something constructive.
PINKY: POIT! Who'd ya call, Brain? The Ghostbusters?
BRAIN: Actually, more like....
(The door to the restaurant opens, and we see enter, with a bit
of "martial arts"-esque theme music....)
PINKY: (Gasp) JACKIE CHAN?! NARF!
BILLIE: And that extra-sized friend of his, Tohru!
(Yes, it is Jackie Chan and Tohru of "Jackie Chan
Adventures" fame.....the two walk over to the table...)
JACKIE: I'm here at the request of a Mr. Brain?
BRAIN: Right here, good sir....
JACKIE: (Scratches his head at seeing the size of Brain, and the
others he's with) Ahem....well, this is....different. Though no more "different"
than dealing with Jade, I suppose. (To Tohru) You did make sure she isn't anywhere near
here, did you? *Or* tell her we were going somewhere?
TOHRU: Of course....
(Zip pan to the outside of a closet in Uncle's shop...a brief
close-up shows that there's a broom stick jammed between the doorknob and the door...)
JADE: Tohru will *never* find me in here....nobody plays
hide-n-seek like *Jade*!
(Zip pan back to the restaurant...we see Tohru walk over to the
FRED: (In between bites) Hey, pal.
FRED: (Stops eating, holds up a rib) Spare rib?
(Tohru decides to take up Fred's offer, and wedges himself in the
seat, sending Axel sprawling to the floor (with a few expletives)...the two resume eating
into the pile of spare ribs...)
(While this is going on, we cut to the WB Studios, where Plotz is
scolding the failed efforts of Seth and his men)
PLOTZ: You failed?! How could you have trouble defeating those
guys?! Oh, never *mind*....I'll find someone *else* to take care of them. You go back to
doing security for the "Harry Potter" movie tour...
SETH: Great....I think we'd be better off getting karate-chopped,
guys... (the others murmur in agreement)
(A short while later, we see Plotz walk onto what looks like the
set for the "Jackie Chan" series; apparently, it's a Christmas episode being
filmed. Everyone on the set, including Chandu (in statue form) is wearing red Santa-type
caps. We see that Chandu is wearing a tag reading "fight scene choreographer" as
the hired goons go over a scene...)
GOON (the guy with sunglasses): OK, says here we're supposed to
"jump 30 feet straight up into the air in order to grab the 'Christmas talisman' from
a high perch"....how da heck are we supposed ta do that?!
CHANDU: Allow *me* to show you.... (his eyes light up, and he
emits flame from his mouth, aimed straight towards the rear ends of the goons...they all
proceed to jump the required distance skyward....)
PLOTZ: (To Chandu) Excellent work....
CHANDU: Thank you....of course, what I'd *really* like to do is
*direct*.... (laughs gleefully/sinisterly)
PLOTZ: I....see. (Rolls his eyes) Anyway, I'm looking for that
big hulking red-haired guy we hired on as a full-time regular for the second season of
this show... I have a *job* for him...
(Cut to a short time later, as we see Plotz talking to both the
Griffino robot and none other than....)
HOK FU: (Staring at a photo of the Warners and Axel that Plotz is
holding up...) PUPPY CHILDREN FACED NINJAS IN THE PAST?! Don't make me laugh....
PLOTZ: Well, it's true....they've defeated various
"ninja-thugs" so often, it's become a cliche for them....but *you*, on the other
hand, would certainly provide them with quite the workout...along with Griffino here.
(Griffino emits a few R2D2-esque noises, chirping in agreement) So, willing to take the
HOK FU: CRUSH PUPPIES LIKE DOGCATCHER WITH NET!
PLOTZ: (Grins) I'll take that as a "yes".... get going.
I want you to find those Warners, and bring them back here alive!
HOK FU: Awww....
PLOTZ: Hmph...better send someone else with the two of you....
seeing as, well... (pan over to see Hok Fu punching the head off a cardboard cutout of
Harry Potter, yelling "CROUCHING TIGER EATS HIDDEN DRAGON!")
(Cut to several moments later, as we see two old fanfic favorites
alongside Hok Fu and Griffino....)
PLOTZ: So you say you've defeated various cartoon characters with
your patented "ninja thug" tactics before?
MIKEY: (Slightly nervous) Er...sure, pops.
SHERYL: (Also nervous) Uh, yeah, you know that's right....dozens
SHERYL: More times than those guys in that Jet Li flick you put
out awhile back....
PLOTZ: Good....now then, you'll be sure to take care of Griffino
and Hok Fu there, won't you? So get going, and good luck! Ta-ta! (Plotz exits; we see
Griffino display on a control panel on its chest the words "please change oil
pan", and Hok standing there looking as, er, "calm" as usual; Mikey and
MIKEY: I know we're back together and all, babe, but, uh....think
this gig is worth it? Looks sorta, erm, *dangerous*, baby....
SHERYL: (Whispers back) With these guys on our team, how can we
fail?! Barbed wire-wrapped bricks, a psycho ninja-guy, a killer robot....we can't fail! I
even gave our group a name: TEAM NINJA!
MIKEY: Cool name, babe....you're so creative. I love that. Sounds
like the name for a team fulla winners to me. How'd ya think of it?
SHERYL: Beats me....though I think I might've been watching some
show with freakish little creatures fightin' each other at the time...
(And so, "Team Ninja" sets off in search of the
heroes....meanwhile, cut back to said heroes, who're standing in front of a rented van of
Jackie's and Fred's car....)
TOHRU: (Eyeing Fred's car) Um....a possible problem presents
itself with this..."vehicle". I do not believe I can, well...
BARNEY: (Eying Tohru) No kiddin', pal...Fred's legs'd probably
give out before we could even pull outta the driveway... (chuckles)
BRAIN: Well, it doesn't matter, since you won't be going with
Fred...now then, the groups are as follows: Fred, Barney, the Warners, and Axel will be in
Fred's, er, "car",for the meal-related part of the mission, while Tohru, Jackie,
Billie, Pinky, and I shall be in the van for the football-related part.
WAKKO: Aww, why can't we have a cool karate-knowin' guy?
AXEL: Hey! Didn't you see me take out those crazy (bleep)s back
there with that karate chop?!
DOT: He said "cool" guy , Axel... (Axel mutters a few
BILLIE: Hey, you guys have taken out those ninja-thugs with those
gags of yours so many times in the past, *we're* the ones who could use the extra help!
DOT: Great....guess we'll have to face potentially dangerous and
homicidal thugs armed with nothing more than....
WAKKO: "Two places at---" (stops as Dot and Brain stare
at him sternly, as does Tohru.)
BRAIN: (Flatly) Very well, then...let us depart! Good luck,
(The two groups split up, get into their separate vehicles, and
pull away from the restaurant, heading in opposite directions....we soon fade to the
inside of Brain's van. We see that Billie and Pinky are reading magazines, while Brain is
singing along rather off-key with the radio. Jackie and Tohru observe Brain's singing with
BRAIN: (Singing) I hate myself for loving you/Trying to break
free from the things that you do/I want to walk, but I run back to you/That's why I hate
myself for loving you.
JACKIE: Brain, you certainly seem a lot less, well, serious than
what you led us to believe back in the restaurant...
BRAIN: Actually, I'm quite serious, but when I hear Joan Jett's
voice, I can't help but sing along.
BILLIE: Hey, Eggy, where's our first destination? Because, if I
can be honest, you're no Ron Isley!
BRAIN: While I'm slightly insulted, along with your errant mixing
of different musical genres, we're headed for San Francisco, home of the annual
"Freeway Game". It's the Oakland Raiders versus the San Francisco 49ers to
decide who is the mightiest of California football teams. There, we will spread our
message of Thanksgiving, and knock down one major road block in my quest for world
(Everyone in the van looks at him funny)
BRAIN: What? You're looking at me like I have six eyes!
JACKIE: Erm..."world domination"? I thought you just
needed us for protection....
BRAIN: I do....but trust me, I'm nothing like the thugs you wage
battle against in your movie. If you wish, Pinky and Billie can support me on my
(Cut to several moments later, with Jackie a bit dazed at some of
the stories that Billie and Pinky have tried telling him...)
JACKIE: (Waving his hands) OK, *OK*. You aren't an evil person.
(Sighs) I'll assist you....but you *must* promise me one thing: that after this attempt
fails, you'll try to take over the world *without* mind control and with the people's
BRAIN: *When* it fails?! (Jackie shrugs) Trust me....this attempt
*will* succeed. And it isn't through mind control per se, but more of the powers of
suggestion. No different than that of advertising....
PINKY: Yesiree! Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven!
No wait, I meant to say, "things go better with Coke"...erm, no, um....
BRAIN: You see?
JACKIE: (Sighs) I don't think Uncle will believe *this*....
(Cut to several hours later, at San Francisco's Candlestick Park.
We see various sports yahoos in face paint, without shirts, drinking beer, eating burnt
steaks, etc. Everyone exits the van wearing football-related clothing. In the background,
we can hear the song "Love Train" by the O'Jays.)
PINKY: Oh, this is fun! We look like that strange spastic fellow
in that concert movie...er, um..."Stop Making Sense"! NARF!
BRAIN: I would prefer it if you *started* making sense. Now,
Jackie and Tohru, I've already gotten tickets for you. You just get seats in the stadium,
being as I'll need a lookout on this one. Myself, Pinky and Billie, will explore the
premises, and make our way to the halftime show! We will interrupt the performance by
(checks the game program)...the Voo Doo Dolls? Congratulations, Billie....it seems that
you and Pinky will finally get to see them again, after that "Lethal Intellect"
TOHRU: "Lethal Intellect"? (* - the movie that the
mice and Axel produced, in the fanfic of the same name. ---Brainatra)
BRAIN: (Flatly) Don't ask...now, as they say, let's roll!
(Our heroes exeunt, and we pan left to see Team Ninja. Sheryl,
dressed in glasses, black lipstick and a suit that's rather conservative except for the
exaggerated shoulder pads, whips out a walkie-talkie.)
SHERYL: X-X, this is Black Widow. Do you read...over?
Mikey: (V.O) I'm here, whaddya need? Over!
FU: Real men do not need air bag....LAND LIKE CAT ON ITS FEET!
SHERYL: Oh, hush....(points up to a window) Look up there! It's
those animated jerks and that deadbeat cop!
MIKEY: Isn't he a politician now?
HOK FU: THOUGHT HE WAS LAME ACTOR! "HARLEM NIGHTS" AS
UNFUNNY AS MUTE HYENA!
GRIFFINO: (Clicks in agreement)
SHERYL: Well, *duh*....but anyway, we've got to follow them and
take them out! And *I* have, as usual, another plan....
(the "Team" slinks off....soon, we see Axel and the
others get into Fred's car.)
YAKKO: We were worried there, Axel...
AXEL: You were?
DOT: Sure... somebody has to help Fred be the "engine"
for the car! (All three sibs kiss Axel, who looks mortified.)
AXEL: I...er....we....awww, (ble)---
(We cut away from his umpteenth curse word, as they make their
way down the road, courtesy of Fred's (and Axel's) two feet...)
AXEL: (Huffing a bit) Hate to pry, but do you know where the
(bleep) we're goin'?!
DOT: Massachusetts....thought we'd try our luck with some
WAKKO: Faboo! Clam chowder and seafood!
AXEL: Don't mention seafood... (picks a fish still lying on his
shoulder, and flicks it away)
(Cut to commercials for various heavily-hyped Christmas related
stuff involving Pokemon---we see various Poke-creatures in holiday colors/clothing doing
their attack moves on each other. Then cut back to the story....where we see the Warner
crew is somewhere on an Ohio highway. Axel's running to operate the car, and running out
of breath as well. Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" is playing on
the car radio...)
AXEL: (Bleep)us (Bleep), I don't know how much longer I can take
this (bleep)! Fred, how the (bleep) do you do this?!
FRED: Well, running from Wilma's abuse does well for me!
AXEL: What the (bleep) did you say?
FRED: I'll admit it! I'm whipped! She's the boss of the house,
and she beats me up for all that I do! *She's* Ralph Kramden, and she follows through on
the threat to get me "Pow! Right in the kisser!". 12 surgeries, including 1
plastic! 3 knocked-out teeth! 2 broken bones! When it comes to whipped and abused
husbands, I've gotten the same surgery as Tim Allen and Ray Romano! I run from the house,
yet I have to come back time and again, or we have no future retreads of the show!
AXEL: Fred, once this mission is done...promise me you leave
Wilma for good and get a different woman!
BARNEY: Hey, Fred, how come you never told me this?
FRED: Because you would just joke about it!
AXEL: I'm tired! Let's stop this (bleep)ing car!
(The car pulls to a stop on the highway)
AXEL: Yakko, Wakko, Dot...
AXEL: Enough is enough! You're using your feet now, and I'm
relaxing! It's your turn!
YAKKO: But Axel...
AXEL: (Low, growling voice) Do it now, or I'm abandoning these
(bleep)ing adventures...and *YOU THREE*...permanently! Capice?
YAKKO: If that's the way you're gonna be, then we're not moving!
AXEL: Lazy (Bleep) ...
AXEL: Stupid (Bleep)!
YAKKO: Nitwit! I never thought I would do this when you were our
(Yakko grabs a rope that dropped out of nowhere. All of a sudden,
Axel is flattened by an anvil. He crawls out and faints.)
YAKKO: Okay, maybe that was uncalled for! I'm sorry, but
Axel...you have to apologize, too!
DOT: Not again!
YAKKO: Indeed! (Yakko, all of a sudden, removes his head to
DOT: A robot skeleton? Wait a minute, if you're not Yakko,
(We hear a voice in the background that sounds too familiar...the
others look up in the sky and find...)
YAKKO: (In a helicopter) Help! They got me! They're taking me
SHERYL: (Putting a hand over Yakko's mouth) Shut up, puppy brat!
Next stop, Massachusetts! Team Ninja is flying off again! (The helicopter zooms away)
WAKKO: (Wearily) Hospital again?
DOT: (Equally wearily) Those are the looks of it! Can we hold out
FRED: I don't know!
(They load into the car, and race down the highway, with appropo
dramatic music playing in the background....)
(More commercials play, with recycled stock footage of the
Warners singing and dancing in place to promote the Kids WB's action-oriented Christmas
show lineup of shows....adding to the humiliation is seeing Lou Bega singing with
(Cut back to the story, and fade in on the mice...we the van pull
over to the side of the highway. From inside, we hear Brain state sardonically,
"Tohru, would you care to escort our 'guests' outside?" We soon see a myriad of
characters tossed out of the van: the cast of "The Producers", everyone that the
mice interviewed in San Francisco, Henry Kissinger, a Little League baseball team, several
players for the Indiana Pacers, and three mimes. The van then quickly takes off down the
road, burning rubber doing so...)
KISSINGER: Drat. I was hoping this would be the pinnacle of my
career. (To the others) Anyone want to go have an expresso? (the others nod in agreement,
and take off...)
(Back in the van...)
BILLIE: That wasn't very nice, Eggy....besides, Pinky was just
trying to be *nice*....
BRAIN: I didn't hire Tohru and Jackie just for ninja-thug
protection. Your point?
BILLIE: (Flatly) None. Just makin' the observation. (Frowning,
she peels a "Flagstaff Cacti Little Leaguers Rule!" sticker off her back....)
Especially considering that we have *more* than enough "help" already, I guess
there's no need to inflate the story's cast size even moreso than it already is....
BRAIN: *Precisely*. Now that that's settled, let's be on our
(We suddenly hear a cell phone ring. Brain reaches into his fur
"pockets", and pulls out a mouse-sized cell phone. He answers it.)
(Split-screen; the other half is seen to be Dot; the sounds of of
the Flintstone-mobile can be heard)
DOT: Brain? Dot here....
BRAIN: How goes your half of the mission? Is the public able to
obtain cheap Thanksgiving foodstuffs?
DOT: Well, yes and no. Mostly no. Sometimes yes, but...
DOT: Oh, yeah....well, let's see: we went to the supermarket,
Wakko ate a lot of frosting, Axel got knocked out and sent to the hospital, Aquaman showed
up and brought 'im back to life, Axel swore like a sailor, we tried to sing, and---oh,
yeah, you won't believe this----we ran into some losers calling themselves "Team
Ninja". Can you believe it?
BRAIN: *TEAM NINJA*?! We ran into them in San Francisco, as
well....Mikey, Sheryl, some psychotic ninja named Hok Fu, and that wretched brat Stewie
Griffin's robot, Griffino....
DOT: Yep, thanks for the cast recap....now, then, here's another
goody: they kidnapped Yakko. Apparently they're headin' for Massachusettes like we
were...oh, and they knocked Axel out again. But I think he's comin' around....
(Pan over to see Axel, still slightly dazed, has a bag of ice on
his head, and is popping some aspirin.)
BRAIN: Very well, then...looks as if we'd better head in your
general direction, then...unless you don't need our help...
DOT: Please, what could possibly go wrong in an oh-so-typical
outing like ours? You just keep doin' your half of the work, Brain, and us poor,
defenseless kiddies will be fine. Besides, we've got cavemen to protect us!
BARNEY: Sure thing, Dot....we won't let nothin' happen to you!
FRED: You said it, pal....
BRAIN: Hmm....I still don't like the sounds of this. I think we'd
better join you in Massachusettes...are you heading for Boston?
DOT: Oooohhh, I *knew* something was in Massachusettes! Couldn't
remember what, though.....
BRAIN: (Slaps his face) We'll just meet all of there, where we'll
regroup and head back to Burbank together. (Brain hangs up)
BILLIE: The usual problems?
BRAIN: *Yes*....though they don't sound as if they've picked up
any extraneous characters save for Fred and Barney. Though they assured me that they could
handle those "ninja thug" rejects, I told them we're heading for Boston to join
PINKY: Oh, goody! This'll be so much fun! Um...they do have Chunk
E. Cheezy's there, don't they?
BRAIN: (Sighs) To Beantown, Mr. Chan, and step on it....
(As they change course for Boston, we cut away from the mice, and
to the Warners half of the crew some time later...we see that all the occupants in the car
have fallen asleep, with Fred still awake and driving/providing the car's power; they all
DOT: (Groggy) *Yawn*.... hey, Fred, are we there yet?
FRED: Don't worry, kids, we're almost there! YABBA-DABBA-DOO!
BARNEY: Geez, Fred, not so loud....(yawns) At least, not till we
get somethin' to eat---I'm starvin'!
FRED: Patience, Bernard, patience...we'll get somethin' to eat
BARNEY: Gee, Fred, usually you'd stop off at a half dozen places
by now, but I guess you must be on a diet or somethin'...
WAKKO: (Looks at the scenery) Gee, Boston sure looks funny....
DOT: Yeah...didn't think it looked this tree-filled. But I guess
that's New England for you...
AXEL: (Rubbing his head, looking around) Geez, those anvils hurt
like (bleep)! Good thing that aspirin's kickin' in, or I... (looks at the scenery) Say,
guys....we were headin' for Boston, right?
AXEL: Then why the (bleep) did we just pass that sign readin'
"Welcome to Rhode Island"?
WAKKO: Uh....I dunno. Maybe we took a wrong turn?
BARNEY: Hey, Fred....we missed the turn-off for Boston!
DOT: And I appreciate you not pronouncing it
FRED: I know....but don't worry, Barn---it's a short cut!
BARNEY: Longest short cut I've ever seen.....
(The car continues down its path, however, we see it pass through
several small Rhode Island towns...the gang looks a bit concerned....)
DOT: OK, I *know* this isn't anywhere *near* Boston... Fred, are
you sure we're goin' the right way?
BARNEY: Yeah, Fred, maybe you should let me drive...
FRED: Sure, we're goin' the right way....
(They pass a sign, which Wakko, with his head out the
"window", tears off as his head hits it....)
DOT: Wakko, are you all right?
WAKKO: Sure.....but this sign isn't. (Takes it out of his mouth)
DOT & AXEL: (Reading it) "Welcome... to....
Quahog". Quahog? Say, isn't that the town where----aw, geez!
AXEL: OK, Fred, we're way off-course! Stop the car!
FRED: Sure! (They pull to a stop in front of a very familiar
looking house, and all get out...)
DOT: I know we've seen this house before....
AXEL: Yeah....but where?
BARNEY: OK, Fred, what's the joke? Why'd ya drag us to, uh,
wherever here is?
FRED: Joke?! (Laughs; however, his eyes turn fiery red, and his
laugh grows more and more maniacal) The only joke around here is *YOU*! (Laugh becomes
truly frightening, as Barney, Wakko, Dot, and Axel begin to shake...)
(Fred says nothing, but grabs all four of them in headlocks and
drags them into the house...once inside, we see the foursome's faces look completely
shocked, as they see....)
STEWIE GRIFFIN: Hello...."puppy children".
WARNERS & AXEL: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
BARNEY: Hey, Fred, w-what's goin' on here?! Why's that baby sound
like those snooty guys on PBS?
STEWIE: SILENCE! Your questions will be answered soon enough....
but first: a bit of self-gratifying laughter! (Laughs for awhile) Oh, this is *too*
rich....you were so *stupid*!
DOT: All right, you little brat--where's the real Fred?
AXEL: And I bet you have somethin' to do with those "Team
STEWIE: Hush, all of you! I shall endeavour to explain: you're
all here for my plan of revenge! Yes, thwarting my various schemes of evil with your
madcap merriment....but anyway, my plans are as follows: you shall all remain prisoner
here until your rodent friends show up to play "hero". Once here, I'll capture
them and release you to, well, these guys...I assume you know them? (Presses a button; a
bookcase rotates, revealing....)
AXEL: TEAM NINJA! You're working with Stewie?!
SHERYL: That's right...
MIKEY: We can have a little freelance work on the side, can't we?
Besides, Plotz just cares about capturin' you guys....he didn't say *how*. And check it
out---we captured both your little friend *and* your big one! (They step aside to reveal
Yakko and Fred, tied up in toon-escape-proof ropes with festive Thanksgiving colors....)
BARNEY: FRED! If that's Fred, than who...?
STEWIE: Nothing more than recycled stock footage, my
friends...with me controlling his voice via remote control! Oh, that was funny...Team
Ninja switched El Lardo with this fake one back at that hospital, and none of you even
noticed! (Laughs) And you even bought that whole "I'm beaten up by my abusive
wife" story! (Laughs some more)
DOT: *Knew* that "my wife hits me" dialogue sounded
like somethin' from your lame show...
STEWIE: Anyway, once we capture your mousey friends, we'll turn
you puppy-children over to Plotz for a handsome sum....and *I'll* hang onto the mice for
further personal torment! (Laughs)
Perhaps we could use them as a new group of people to mock on our show this fall.... we've
done about every other bloody group to bash, Lord knows...
AXEL: (Struggling to break free from the fake-Fred's grip)
Uh....unhh.... look, as soon as I get free, you're gonna get the spankin' of your (bleep)
life! We're tryin' to save *Thanksgiving* here!
STEWIE: Ooooh, there's a noble cause....save a holiday that
involves me eating puree turkey while watching my esteemed patriarch scarf down food like
some ravenous hyena before passing out on the couch...no thank you.
DOT: Well, there's one flaw to your plan...the Brain doesn't know
we're in Rhode Island. We told him we were going to Boston!
STEWIE: Oh, *really*? Well, we'll see about *that*! (Presses
another button on his remote, and we see a stock footage Dot enter the room, with a cell
phone in tow; he uses the remote to make her dial it, and talk....)
"DOT": Hello, Brain? We've gotten a bit lost along the
way to Boston...uh-huh....we've stopped off at a little town in Rhode Island named
Quahog...yeah, I know it sounds familiar....anyway, could you meet us there? Can't miss
it---Fred's car is parked out front. Anyway, gotta go. Love ya lots! Ta-ta! (Hangs up, and
dismisses the recycled stock footage of Dot)
DOT: Hey! .... I *never* say "love ya lots"!
STEWIE: Don't talk back to me! Or the only thing you'll be saying
is your life story to St. Peter!
Now then, we'll all just wait.... "Fred"?
("Fred" walks the foursome over to the Team Ninja guys, and we soon see them
tied up as well....).
AXEL: Great...this is just beatin' all (bleep) out of hangin' up
turkey decorations for Thanksgivin'.....
(In walks Stewie's family...)
LOIS (the mother): Aw, look....Stewie's playing Cowboys and
Indians! That's so cute...he's trying to get into the spirit of Thanksgiving!
DOT: (to the others) *They're* celebrating Thanksgiving? How
ironic that the one group of people we *want* to avoid in our promoting efforts...
PETER (the Father): Ooooh, and you can tell that *this* one's a
*redskin*....because he's wearin' a Detroit Lions jacket! (Does his inane laugh at his
nonsensical remark, as the heroes all frown at him)
AXEL: What kind of (bleep) joke was *that*?! (Bleep) you, ya
sorry (bleep)in' (bleep)! We've seen your piece of (bleep) show---it's probably the least
respectful piece of (bleep) to come down the pike in years!
PETER: Hey, I'm not insensitive! I have *plenty* of respect
for...um...you people. (Hands Lois his wallet, and signals for her to hide it, making Axel
and the others more ticked off) But that's exactly the sort of thing I'd expect from---a
dirty *Commie*! (Laughs inanely)
AXEL: (Shaking his seat with annoyance/rage) (BLEEP)! I'M A U.S.
PETER: Sure ya are....just like I'm sure that these three are
here for more than pickin' fruit.... (Yells loudly) NO SPEAK ENGLISH, YES?
DOT: (In perfect Spanish, out of spite) (I think the only waste
of resources is whatever ink was used to create *you*, pal....)
YAKKO: (Also in perfect Spanish) (Agreed, Dot....but is it
possible that this serves not a waste of resources, but a purpose by the cosmos to remind
us to be on guard against the rise of such loathsome creatures?)
DOT: (In perfect Spanish) (Perhaps so, Yakko...I think Pablo
Neruda had something to say about this once....)
PETER: (Laughs inanely (as if he had a different way of laughing,
I know....)) You silly Mexicans...I'm sure whatever you said wasn't as important as what
*I* said, since I *know* English.... (Pointless "Family Guy"-style aside with
Peter trying to pass himself off as "Masterpiece Theater"'s host; cut back to
this scene) OK, then, I'll just stick with watchin' some old "M*A*S*H" reruns
and makin' witty comments about 'em! (Whispers) I think Klinger's....you know.... (makes
stereotypical hand-swishing motion) (High pitched voice) Oooh-la-laaa....
(Shocked by this rampant idiocy, the others begin to scream and
try to break free of their bonds, along with yelling for help....)
LOIS: Let's go, dear....we'll let Stewie play with 'em while we
go have a little snack in the kitchen...maybe they can stay for a few days....
PETER: OK, then.... (they exit, Peter laughing for no good
BARNEY: (Panicked by the sheer wave of outrageous stupidity) Aw,
geez---I can't take this! We gotta get outta here! How'd *they* even get on TV anyway?!
DOT: (Greatly annoyed) Don't ask.... (sighs) I just hope Brain
gets here *soon*....
STEWIE: Indeed, Missy....as do *I*! (Dum-Dum-duuummm....)
(More commercials play, promoting the big "Crass
Hyperconsumerist Day After Thanksgiving" sale at various sponsors' stores....then cut
back to the story....)
(Cut to the Brain's van. Headed towards Quahog, everyone's in a
state of wonderment about the situation. "Smuggler's Blues" by Glenn Frey is
playing on the radio)
BRAIN: (Singing along with the radio) There's trouble on the
streets tonight/I can feel it in my bones (Speaking) Boy, this doesn't sound good. Quahog,
to my understanding, has the highest hate crime rate in Rhode Island.
BILLIE: How can you confirm that?
BRAIN: Well, the incidents all spring from the...Griffin
residence? Oh, no!
BILLIE: Oh, c'mon, surely there's more than one Griffin family in
BRAIN: Let's test your assumption. Jackie, please stop at that
diner up ahead.
JACKIE: Okay, but how much apple pie can you eat?
PINKY: I was thinking the same thing! POIT!
BRAIN: We need to find a local phone book. Billie, how's the
BILLIE: $500...is that OK?
BRAIN: More than! I'll order some food for us.
BILLIE: Wow, you eat at "greasy spoons". You sing along
with Joan Jett songs. What's up with you?
BRAIN: (Grave sounding) I'm trying to take it a little more easy
now. Nothing wrong with some relaxation. I'm finally coming to realize that maybe I should
just give up on my pursuit of World Domination. Every time I try, I fail spectacularly,
and you and Pinky don't offer reassurance. You call me crazy, you fault my plans, you mess
with my emotions...and it's finally gotten to me. I'm abandoning my world domination plan
for this adventure, and abandoning my pursuits for all time. Billie, you're the genius and
I'm the fool. I give up!
BILLIE: (Excitedly) *REALLY*? (Catching herself, solemnly)
Really? That's too bad. I don't know why you think it should end that way.
BRAIN: (Sadly, with a hint of resentment) I just told you!
BILLIE: No, you didn't!
BRAIN: Oh, shut up!
JACKIE: Guys, can we exit the van now? (It turns out they've been
parked all this time)
BRAIN: (Monotone) Very well.
(Our heroes enter the diner. On a jukebox, the song
"Crazy" by Patsy Cline is playing.)
(The waitress turns around, and it turns out to be news reporter
Wendy Franchetti, from "Warner Academy 2: The Infant Strikes Back.")
WENDY: Whaddya want, Tall, Fat and Handsome?
TOHRU: Directions to the phone booth in this place...and a cup of
WENDY: Okay, phone booths are by that Pac-Man machine. Make sure
to use phone 2, because Phone 1 is on the fritz and Phone 3 has been disconnected.
TOHRU: Thank you! Is there a phone book there?
WENDY: Yeah, you'll recognize it. It has some dried apple-pie
filling on it.
BRAIN: Wendy? What are you doing here?
WENDY: Well, Brain, I've been bouncing from station to station
across the nation.
PINKY: Hey, you're a poet and you don't know it! ZORT!
WENDY: I know, I know. Anyway, times are tough because of this
recession. I'm still reporting, but I also have to work as a waitress to make ends meet.
How WGN and the Tribune Co. managed to land me at some podunk station in Rhode Island is
BRAIN: I was about to ask. You do know that we're only a few
miles away from Stewie.
WENDY: Painfully aware. That crude lardbucket Peter is always in
here. He orders pie and makes suggestive remarks. He keeps grabbing my butt and says:
"I was looking at the rump roast", then laughs like an idiot. Worst of all, he's
taking his family here for Thanksgiving. I swear, that man is a monster, and his family
equals his idiocy. With any luck, I'll be transferred to South Carolina soon.
BRAIN: Why South Carolina?
WENDY: It's just a nice and sunny place. Anything to escape here.
BRAIN: I'd help, but we're on a mission to take down this Team
WENDY: Sounds like something from your former network!
BRAIN: *Don't* remind me. (Tohru reappears.) Ah, Tohru....is
there more than one Griffin family in Quahog?
TOHRU: No. Just the one.
BRAIN: (Slaps his own forehead) Ugh, I need a drink!
WENDY: Tell ya what! Cup of coffee...I'll foot the bill!
BRAIN: Thank you!
(Cut to some time later, after the gang's had their meal...)
BRAIN: Well, the highway's a-calling. We have to leave.
PINKY: Oh, but this hoop on the coffee cup is so fun to jump
WENDY: Okay, that's 30 dollars!
(Billie pays Wendy, plus leaves a sizable tip...)
WENDY: Thank you! Good luck on your mission!
BRAIN: Good luck to you! I hope you get to South Carolina. Who
knows? I might join you there someday. (Whispers to Wendy) It's not like I'd be missed.
(Pan over to Pinky and Billie, laughing insanely over something.
Our heroes exit the diner and enter the van)
BRAIN: Next stop, the Griffin residence of Quahog!
(The van zooms into the night....)
(More commercials play, promoting "the top 10 ways you can
save money for Christmas stuff by not spending it on Thanksgiving junk" on the late
(Cut to the following morning, at the Griffin residence....we see
that the heroes are all still tied up, while Stewie and "Team Ninja" are talking
on the phone to Plotz...)
STEWIE: That's right, Plotz...your hired goons and I have
captured those wretched puppy-children of yours. We're prepared to send them back to
Burbank for you to do with as you wish, as soon as you send payment....direct deposit,
preferably. (Sounds on the phone of Plotz sounding elated) Wonderful! Very well, they'll
be there by tomorrow.....(listens some more) Yes, I suppose someone else can sign for them
if you're not home. Very well--ta-ta! (Stewie hangs up, and clasps his fingers together)
Excellent! Soon, I shall have both the financial means to aid my world domination quest,
*and* have the Brain in my clutches!
MIKEY: Oooh, baby, we're gonna get *paiiiid*... this "Team
Ninja" thing of yours has got to be the best idea you ever came up with!
SHERYL: Aw, thanks, sweetie....being evil is so much hard work,
ya know.... (they smooch)
STEWIE: (Makes a face) Yeurgh...take that somewhere else! (He
throws a pencil at them, breaking the romantic interlude up) Hormonally-challenged
(Pan over to Fred, Barney, and the sibs, still tied up....Peter's
trying to "entertain" them by showing them his photo album)
PETER: And, oh, yeah, this one's from when we went to the Museum
of Radio and Television Broadcastin' in New York....y'know, they got every episode of
"Amos and Andy" on tape there! (To Axel) I could watch that for hours, couldn't
you, buddy? Eh? Eh? (Laughs inanely)
AXEL: (His gag falling out) (BLEEP)! I'LL "AMOS AND
ANDY" *YOU*, YA TASTELESS (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)IN' (BLEEP)----(Has the gag stuffed
back in his mouth by Peter)
PETER: Boy, no need to be insensitive, pal. Hey, I got it...why
don't we watch some of the episodes together, huh? I borrowed the episodes from the
Museum....and by "borrowed", I meant *stole*...and by *stole*, I meant....er,
guess that's all I meant....I'll go pop 'em in the VCR, OK? And afterwards, we can go down
by that youth counseling center and yell stuff at all the homeless, depressed, and gay
kids.... (Practicing) "FREAKS!" That'll teach *'em*....
WAKKO: (Very frightened-sounding) Um...teach them what?
PETER: For just bein' who they *are*! (Laughs inanely)
(The held-hostage 'toons and Axel look deeply frightened and
disturbed by all this; Axel's gag falls out his mouth, but he says nothing; his mouth is
merely gaped open in shock)
DOT: (Her gag falling out; shocked) Be afraid....be *very*
STEWIE: Indeed, my dear.... (vicious-sounding) *INDEED*!
(Dramatic notes strike)
(Cut to the mice and their van, speeding towards Quahog....we see
Billie and Pinky talking in one corner of the van, Brain sitting by himself singing along
to the radio, and Jackie and Tohru in the front seats...)
BILLIE: Pinks! We gotta get Eggy out of the funk he's in! The
stress of all this must have caused him to snap at some point on this trip....
PINKY: Yeah....I've never seen Brain like this! His
ambition-thingy's to take over the world, not eat pie and listen to lite rock music!
(Pan over to see Brain sing along to "My Empty Hollow
PINKY: Naaarf... (sniff)
BILLIE: Follow me... (they walk over to Brain)
BRAIN: If you're trying to change my mind, don't bother....my
mind's made up.
BILLIE: But Eggy....don't you want the entire world to worship
your every step? Making the Earth into a perfect paradise for all who live on it?
BRAIN: At one point, I did...but I don't see the point. It
occurred to me that no matter how well things are going with this plan to date, something
will inevitably go wrong, and I'll be back in that lab cage, planning, ever so futilely,
for tomorrow night...and the night after that....and the night after that...ad nauseum.
BILLIE: But Eggy....(thinks, then says) if you *don't* take over
the world, I'm sure there's others who'd love to....
BRAIN: Such *as*...
BILLIE: Well, a certain football-head-shaped baby we're about to
meet might want to...
BRAIN: (Raises an eyebrow) *That* miscreant infant?! He's not fit
to rule a *sandbox*! I'm a much more worthy ruler than he is...
BILLIE: And, of course, if *he* didn't take over, I guess there's
always, well... (tauntingly) little ol' *me*.
BRAIN: (In shock) *WHAT*?!
BILLIE: Really...I mean, I could probably take it over easily
without breaking a sweat. That, and without failing miserably night after night to the
point of obsession and not bein' able to think about anything else....
BRAIN: (Jumps up) Now see *here*! My "obsession" is
merely the obvious factor that I am the Earth's rightful ruler! And once I take over the
world, all of humanity will be better off under my rule!
BILLIE: So, you really want to...
BRAIN: As if there were any *doubt*...
BILLIE: Fine... (shrugs) I didn't really want to take over the
BRAIN: Indeed..... as if you actually *had* the ability to pull
it off. (Billie looks a bit annoyed by that insult, but decides to shrug it off....)
Pinky! Get me my plans and pencil, and make reservations for the nearest Olive Gardener!
PINKY: No more greasy...er, forks? POIT!
BRAIN: *No*...only the best in chain-restaurant eating for us
from now on! Tohru! Turn that light rock music off and put my John Lee Hooker tape on!
Jackie! Step on it...we've got "puppy-children" to save...and a *world* to take
BILLIE: (To Pinky) See? Nothing says "Egghead" like
Eggy's ego....works every time.
PINKY: (Scratching his head) "Ego"? I don't see any
waffles lying around...
BILLIE: (Giggles) Oh, Pinky...
(The van speeds on, and soon, we see it pull up in front of the
BILLIE: You sure this is it?
(We hear the screams of the sibs, Fred, Barney, and Axel....)
BRAIN: (Glaring at the house) *Positive*. Let's go....
BILLIE: Hope this plan works.... (Brain glares at her) Er, not
that I'd doubt whether any of your plans would *work*, of course...
BRAIN: Trust me....it's guaranteed to work. Taking advantage of
the unique "nature" of this family, the complete lack of suspense, lack of grasp
on how to properly use irony, and their wretched "environment"....
(Cut to the inside, where we see Peter's trying to shove one of
the stolen "Amos and Andy" museum archive episode tapes into the VCR....Stewie
eyes all this Peter-torture with great glee...)
PETER: C'mon, ya stupid....! (The tape spools out of its case)
Aw, *crud*! Must be Beta or somethin'... (tosses it aside, whips out another tape) But
*this* time for sure!
(Suddenly, the door bursts open, and we see Tohru, Jackie, and
the mice enter.)
BRAIN: (Eyeing Stewie) Let...them...*GO*.
STEWIE: Ooooh, why if it isn't the brave little mousey! Come to
rescue your little friends, did we? Well, *too late*! For you're now my prisoner! (Whips
out his ray gun and aims it at Brain) Now come with me quietly....or screaming in agony,
BRAIN: Of course, but first... (to Peter) Why, look outside?
Isn't that the entire Rhode Island chapter of the NAACP?
PINKY: (Talking as if reading from a script) Why, yes, and isn't
that Nathan Lane, John Leguizamo, and the National Organization for Women with them too,
PETER: (Racing away from the TV) Whoa---*really*?! Can't wait to
(Peter gets to the door, shoving the gang aside---and true to
"Family Guy"'s laws of physics, all of these people are *indeed* outside their
JOHN LEGUIZAMO: Calling us...*what*?
NATHAN LANE: The only thing freakish around here is....
PETER: The fact that you had your own sitcom?
NATHAN LANE: Erm, yeah, but *besides* that....I meant, *YOU*, and
this whole house! GET THEM!
(We see they're all brandishing clubs, picket signs, and various
other blunt objects, and they begin to storm into the house, knocking Stewie down and
sending his ray gun flying down a stairwell...we soon see Peter being pummeled by various
people, with several of them doing a few pro-wrestler moves to Peter. The heroes look
YAKKO: Words cannot express how grateful for this we are....
FRED: You said it, buddy...now how about us gettin' out of this
BRAIN: Indeed... (Tohru unties the kidnapped heroes, who
immediately race to the Flintstones' car....)
YAKKO: (Feverish) We're free...*FREE*!
WAKKO: (Shivering) We...are...?
DOT: There, there, Wakko...it's OK, now. Those freaks won't harm
you or anyone else....at least until the next sweeps month, from the looks of things.
(They see a lamp go flying through the Griffin living room window, along with Peter. He
tries to escape, but several women drag him back inside....)
(The other heroes head for the van, and instruct Fred that they
get out of town as quickly as possible....we see the van's tires screech, and Fred's car's
stone wheels do so as well, as both vehicles burn rubber/stone away from the Griffin
house...through the chaos, Stewie and "Team Ninja" sees this..)
STEWIE: (Annoyed) CURSE IT ALL TO A THOUSAND BLOODY DEATHS! (To
the "Team") Quickly! To the escape pod! We've got to get those wretched
SHERYL: I dunno, I.... (shrieks, as a vase narrowly grazes her
head) Erm, then again...let's get outta here! C'mon, gang!
HOK FU: (Eyeing the mindless chaos) Awww.....
SHERYL: Come on....we can engage in pointless violent fight
scenes later against those kids, OK?
HOK FU: (Sighs) Oh, OK...
(We see Stewie press a button against the bookcase/former hostage
center, and the bookcase transforms into a basket....we soon see the roof of the house
part, as a giant balloon with a Stewie-shaped head emerges, and sails off into the
distance....we see Stewie's on the phone with Plotz, telling him of their failure. Cut to
Plotz, who's still on the "Jackie Chan" Christmas special set, where we see that
Chandu (still inside his statue and with a Christmas-type red stocking cap) is talking to
Seth, who's still speaking in his demonic voice tone (and is wearing a "Harry Potter
Set Tour Security" shirt)....)
SETH: Aw, c'mon, Uncle Chandu....this job sucks! Those kids on
that movie set tour are the *worst*! You should've seen what they did to my other pair of
CHANDU: (Eyes glowing) Quiet, you! Don't forget who obtained your
present employment for you....you should be grateful, you little...
PLOTZ: (Yelling at both of them) WOULD BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP?!
(Listens to the "Team"'s comments on his cell phone) WHAT?! I *knew* something
was going to go wrong....well, follow *them*! I'll call back.... (Hangs up) Oh, what
CHANDU: Trouble, Plotz?
PLOTZ: Of *course*...those lousy ninja-thugs managed to snag the
help of that eggheaded little baby, Stewie Griffin, and *still* manage to mess things up!
And just when I was planning to roll out the latest "Christmas Week" effort in
Milwaukee, too---dollars to donuts those little brats are going to go there and ruin my
beautiful plan! Ooohhh.... (Chews his fingernails rapidly)
CHANDU: (Eyes glowing) *Milwaukee*? Hmm.... perhaps *I* can be of
PLOTZ: How so?
CHANDU: (Eyes glowing some more) It just so happens that two of
my demonic second cousins happen to work in that city....one of them as the owner of an
eating establishment, and the other the owner of a store. I could arrange to have them
confront your foes and have them *taken care of*....for a *price*.
PLOTZ: (Startled by the news of Chandu's relations) Demonic
CHANDU: On my mother's side....
(Pan over to several Shadowkhan ninjas, standing around a water
NINJA #1: Yeah, I'm thinking of getting into one of those Jet Li
movies. With the amount of special effects in those films of his, that "slink up
behind 'em" bit we can do oughta make me a shoo-in...either that, or work as one of
those "ninja thugs" in some future fanfic thing---I oughta fit in with that
"right behind 'em" gag of those dog-like kids...
NINJA #2: I'm thinkin' of working the concert security circuit
after we finish production...(chuckles) just think of how cool it'd be to be hanging out
backstage with Lenny Kravitz! (The two thugs high-five each other)
CHANDU: (Annoyed) Quiet, the both of you! I'm not paying you to
*talk*! (the two Ninjas slink off, annoyed....) (Muttering) I *knew* letting them watch
"Total Request Live" on MTV in my trailer was a *mistake*... (To Plotz) Now, you
PLOTZ: Erm....um, yes.... (Shakes his head, then raises an
eyebrow) Wait a minute...."price"? What sort of price?
CHANDU: (Eyes glowing) Hosting my own weekend of Kids' WB
programming....with recycled stock footage of Jackie Chan getting repeatedly *pummeled*.
And 5% of the take from this "Christmas Week" scheme of yours so I can finance
my own project...
CHANDU: Yes....for my own anime feature. Japanese animators don't
PLOTZ: Erm..well...oh, *fine*! Deal!
CHANDU: *Excellent*.... very well, dial this number...
(Cut to a McDonald's in Milwaukee, where inside the
manager's office, we see a demonic-looking guy in a white shirt with a tie and name tag
reading "Igor, Manager". He answers the phone)
IGOR: Yes? (Flatly) Oh, *Chandu*...what a *pleasant* surprise.
Let me guess....need help standing up to your siblings again, or have you developed an
actual *spine* by now? (Hears fire roaring) All right, tell me why you called....uhhuh...
(listens some more) Uh-huh....(Annoyed) WHAT?! Those are the same guys who plagued every
McDonald's from here to Burbank! They *won't* interfere with our Christmas
promotions just to make room for their precious *Thanksgiving*.... don't worry, they'll be
taken care of. (Hangs up) Yes, taken care of... (laughs sinisterly; yells out his office
at some store employee talking to another worker) You there! Quit talking and work
*FASTER*! (Eyes glow, and emit a beam that sets fire to a trash can near the guy)
EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir.... (To his fellow worker) The boss seems to
be in a pretty good mood today...
(Cut to an "Enormo-Mart", one of those giant
retail-and-grocery-stores-in-the-same-building sort of stores....we see the owner of this
store, another demonic-looking guy with a name tag reading "Akom", is talking to
AKOM: Do not worry, my demonic bretheren---er, second cousin.
Those cretins will *not* destroy my profitable store with their Thanksgiving revelry.
(Hangs up, and laughs sinisterly....)
(Cut to the van and the Flintstone-mobile, working their way down
the road...once again, Axel's helping power Fred's car, though he looks more relieved just
to be getting away from Quahog/the grasp of the Griffins...)
DOT: (Into a cell phone) So, where do we go now, Brain? I'd like
to get as far away from Rhode Island as I can right now....
BRAIN: (Into his phone) I can't blame you, Dot. Well, while
perusing this morning's newspaper, I discovered in the business section a giant effort
being planned by Plotz to blitz the entire city of Milwaukee with their brand of crass
commercialism! We'll head there, and thwart their efforts by attempting to spread
Thanksgiving elements....now, onward to Milwaukee!
(The vehicles speed down the road, cuing yet another typical
Fanfic Montage: stops at various Olive Gardener restaurants (with Wakko longing for
M*ckeyD's), the Warners harassing Axel and Fred with various old *and* new gags of theirs,
etc. etc. Soon, we see both vehicles speed down the highway, entering the city of....)
PINKY: (Gasps) Naaarf....Milwaukee is so...so.....
BILLIE: (Shrugs) Midwestern?
PINKY: Yes! NARF! (Points out a window) Look! The Harley Davidson
BILLIE: (Excitedly) And the Milwaukee Brewers' stadium!
(Cut to a shot of the siblings skipping down a sidewalk, dressed
in 50's-style clothes....)
WARNERS: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight---
MR. DIRECTOR: (Standing in front of them on the sidewalk)
Schlameel! Shlamatza! Freudlaidenhoivenshoil!
(The sibs look at each other, and shrug, as we fade into a parody
rendition of the "Laverne and Shirley" theme song....we zoom in on a clock
WARNERS: (Singing, voiceover)
Give us any rule, we'll break it---- (shot of them smashing a glass case containing
bowling rules in a bowling alley)
Give us a great big bird, we'll baste it... (Scene of the sibs squirting mass quantities
of gravy on Daffy Duck being roasted (against his will) over a giant spit...)
We'll make Thanksgiving dreams come *truuuue*.... doin' it *BRAIN'S WAY*! (We see the sibs
inside an apartment, opening the door to let Pinky and Brain (dressed like 50's bikers)
(Instrumental music of the L&S theme song plays, as we see the sibs try to toss a
pizza with Axel (with the dough falling all over them), the gang running amok all over
Milwaukee, the sibs riding on a forklift (and arguing over who gets to drive), and the
sibs work inside a bottling factory putting on bottlecaps....Wakko eats various bottles of
beverages whole, Yakko harasses someone who looks like Penny Marshall, and Dot puts little
hairbows on all the bottles and waves goodbye to them as they move down the conveyor
And we'll do it Brain's way, yes, Brain's way---(sarcastically) thinks he's the boss of
us---(normal singing tone) and we'll do it Brain's way, yes, Brain's way-----make
Thanksgiving dreeeeeeeeams, come *true*....for me and *youuuuuuuuuu*!
(A final shot of the sibs trying to pedal a bicycle, of which
Tohru is seated on the handlebars, only to topple over. Fade to black, and to a residence
in Milwaukee....fade in, to see the residence's family at the dinner table, with the
family bearing a strong resemblance to the Cunningham family of "Happy Days"
FATHER: (Eating meatloaf) Dear, why can't you find any turkeys on
sale? Thanksgiving's only a few days away!
MOTHER: I know, dear, but for some reason, all I see at the
grocery store's a ton of Christmas merchandise....very strange.
REDHEADED SON: Yeah, mom....Potzie and the guys couldn't find a
single can of cranberry sauce. Weird....
FATHER: Well, at least this meal's conventional.... (we hear a
knock at the door....) Oh, for goodness sakes, why don't those salesman come back after
dinner hours? (He opens it, only to find the heroes all on the doorstep)
AXEL: Are you the man of the house?
FATHER: Why, yes, I am...
AXEL: (Holds his ID) Axel Foley, US Congressman. These are my
associates. (They all wave) We're here to help ensure that Thanksgiving isn't eradicated
FATHER: Eradicated? Does this have something to do with why the
stores don't have any turkeys on sale?
BRAIN: Hmph...it's worse than I thought. Plotz is moving
quickly...tell us, where do you do your grocery shopping?
MOTHER: (Walking over) At the Enormo-Mart...
BRAIN: Could you take us there?
FATHER: I dunno...this is all very unusual!
MOTHER: Oh, come now, dear....it's no more unusual than letting
Fonzie waltz in whenever he feels like it....or hang out with our son....and there must be
*some* reason why these people....(eyeing the sibs)...erm, whatevers.... (the sibs frown)
are the only ones who seem to remotely care!
BRAIN: No one else even is taking notice? Looks as if Milwaukee
will be a tougher nut to crack than I figured....
MOTHER: Please, dear?
FATHER: (Sighs) Very well....let's get going...I'll warm up the
Rambler. (To his daughter) Get your coat, sweetie...we're going to the store.
DAUGHTER: But Chachi's coming over....
FATHER: Well, take a raincheck....nobody's cheating *me* out of
my right to have all the affordable bread rolls and pumpkin pie I can eat!
(The family and heroes all head for the Enormo-Mart, unaware of
the evil that lies in store...get it? "In store"? And it's a *store*? And....oh,
(Cut to commercials, pushing a video of one of the zillion
Flintstones' Christmas specials....)
(Fade into the parking lot of the Enormo-mart in Milwaukee....
the Warners and co. are seen standing in the lot in front of their various vehicles.)
BRAIN: Well, gang, here we are. Upon entry of the store, we're
going to look for people who need the Thanksgiving message...with the exception of your
FATHER: Mr. Cunningham, thank you.
BRAIN: Right, you and your family just try and shake down the
store manager for some Thanksgiving food. They *are* holding out on you. Remember what
happenned a few states away from here, Axel?
AXEL: (Tiredly) Shut the (bleep) up...I don't want to be reminded
YAKKO: (To the Cunninghams) He took a beating, and almost died.
We never figured out who did it, though!
AXEL: I tell ya, it was that woman from my nightmare! She's real!
She's (bleep)ing real!
WAKKO: Do they sell sedatives here?
MOTHER: Yes, next to the double-king-sized cans of cake frosting!
WAKKO: More cake frosting? Yay!
(They all enter the store, then part ways after the security
monitors. All throughout the store, a cheesy Muzak version of "Weird Al"
Yankovic's song "The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota" is playing on overhead
BRAIN: Now...Yakko, Wakko and Dot, you're working the home
entertainment areas. Axel, you'll be patrolling the auto parts section. Jackie and Tohru,
you're in clothing.
PINKY: Well, of course, Brain! If they weren't, they'd be naked!
BRAIN: I'll deal with you in a moment. (Shakes his head) I meant,
you'll work the clothing section with Barney and Fred. As for myself, Pinky and Billie,
we'll make our way to the P.A system, and get the message out that way. Okay...now go!
(Our heroes split up. The Warners are fiddling around with
various gaming systems and talking to customers about the fun of viewing Thanksgiving
football games on big-screen TVs.)
DOT: Oh, sure, you *could* use your big-screen TV for that Yule
Log videotape, but wouldn't you rather see football teams fighting it out on an 80 inch
CUSTOMER: Yeah, you're right. It is too early to celebrate
(Wakko splits from the group, upon sight of a suspicious pile of
blue video cases. He walks over and...)
WAKKO: Oh no! It sold that poorly?
(Yes, it's 500 copies of "Wakko's Wish", left over from
the holidays of several years ago. Above it is a sign that reads "We need to get rid
of these videos. More Pokemon is on the way. Buy, barter, steal, hold us up at
knifepoint...just help us get rid of these videos. Pretty pretty please? It'll make a
great Christmas present!")
WAKKO: (Slightly distraught) Yakko, Dot...you have to see this!
YAKKO: What's up, Wakko? (Sees the overstock) Boy, what a way to
DOT: Look on the bright side...um, er, ooo, uh...Okay, you got
me! There is no bright side!
YAKKO: What's this sticker? "Featuring those lovable
spokespeople for 'Pokemon'?" What, I'm nobody's spokesperson now!
DOT: Let's just walk away!
(Cut away from this, and to Fred and Barney, who've made their
way to the home appliances section instead of the clothing section...they stare at the
FRED: Gee, what strange-lookin' stuff they got here. (Picks up a
blender) What d'ya suppose this thing does, Barn?
BARNEY: Beats me, Fred....maybe it's some sorta megaphone? (Picks
up the pitcher and tries to talk into it) HELLO?
FRED: Pretty sorry megaphone, if ya ask me. (Picks up a toaster)
Says here this is supposed to be a toaster....but I don't see any tiny dragon inside
makin' the fire to cook the toast!
BARNEY: Yeah, and they call this a *microwave*?! Where's the
electric eel inside to cook the food? Boy, this sure is a strange place....
FRED: You said it, pal. Bet they don't even got any baby
elephants bein' sold in the vaccuum cleaner section....
(Move away from Fred and Barney's disappointment with the modern
world, and fade to Axel....he's looking for people in the parking lot next to the auto
shop. All of a sudden, an engine in a car thunderously starts up. Axel turns around, and
his jaw drops. He starts to run, out of fear of being run over. That female figure appears
SORT-OF-A-MYSTERY-WOMAN: Come back here and take it like a man,
(Axel runs into the store, chased by the car. Background
music-"I Can't Turn You Loose" by the Blues Brothers Band. He runs into
JACKIE: Now, as you can see, these suits are perfect for
Thanksgiv---(sees Axel and the car barreling towards him) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Jackie
flips to avoid Axel's hyper-speed running. The clothing section is torn up and knocked
TOHRU: Um...Do we hold a fire sale now?
(Cut to Yakko, Wakko & Dot, engaging a few people in
conversation about football and food, when they turn around and see...)
YAKKO: Axel, what are you doing here?
AXEL: She's coming to kill me! (He races through, followed in
close step by the runaway car. Cut to the Cunningham family, who're trying to get some
turkey and stuffing from one of the store employees...)
FATHER: Now, give us the food, or we'll never shop here again!
AXEL: (Running by as the food aisles fall down) I may never live
(Axel comes to a sudden stop to catch his breath. The car does,
too, ramming into Axel, sending him flying through the air and crashing head-first into a
glass mirror. Axel falls down...).
AXEL: (Dazedly screaming) Is there a problem, medics? (He then
passes out. The Warners and the rest come running)
YAKKO: Not again! (Yakko checks him out) Great, knocked out...for
the third time!
(Cut to Akom, watching this all from the back)
AKOM: (Demonically) Ha ha! A "Three-KO"! If that crash
doesn't kill him, I don't know what will! y girl's done good! Now to get the rest!
MINION: Um, not to bug you, sir, but they're already on their way
to the hospital!
AKOM: (Furiously) WHAT? I THOUGHT I COULD GET THEM! BAH...NO
MATTER...MY BROTHER HAD BETTER COME THROUGH!
(Cut to the hospital. Axel is once again on life support.)
YAKKO: You know, his constant injuries are starting to irritate
FRED: Oh, come now, he's on the death line, and you still can't
find a nice thing to say about him?!
DOT: Well, he has good foot power. Say, do you feel like we're
forgetting a few people?
(Cut back to the Enormo-Mart, its insides now in ruins. Brain,
Pinky and Billie peer out over it all)
PINKY: This isn't good! NARF!
AKOM: (Demonic Voice, lurking in a shadow) You'd better believe
it! Think I'll call my brother Igor to come over and help out on this one....save him the
risk of seeing *his* restaurant torn apart like my Enormo-Mart has been. (Yells at a few
minions to get to work cleaning up....).
(Cut back to the hospital, where the rest of the gang stand over
the comatose Axel...)
YAKKO: (Showing Axel's congressional medical plan to his sibs)
Check out this copayment and tell *me* they can't give us mere mortal taxpayers universal
MRS. CUNNINGHAM: Oh, that poor Mr. Foley....it's too bad we can't
do anything to help him....
VOICE: (From behind the group) Who *says* we can't?
(All turn around, and find standing there...)
ALL: THE FONZ?!
FONZ: (With his thumbs-up gesture; 50's-style doo-wop music plays
in the background) Heeeeyyy...you're correct-a-mundo! I, Arthur Fonzarelli, got wind of
what was goin' down at that Enormo-Mart thingamajig....
DOT: (Eyeing Fonzie dreamily, them jumps into his arms) And you
came down here to help, all heroic-like? (Sighs)
FONZ: Hey, little lady....do *not* touch the Fonz unless he asks.
DOT: (Removing her hands) Aww....
FONZ: (Shrugs) All right, I'm askin'... (Dot clutches him again)
Now then, let's eye the situation here....
WAKKO: The nice doctor-person says that he's in a deep coma....
YAKKO: Yeah, and this time, no sign of any superheroes around
MR. C: Well, how do we wake him up?
BARNEY: Gee, well, when my Magnarocks TV set's on the fritz,
givin' it a whack with my club often helps.... (whips out a club)
DOT: We could make him look all *adorable*!
YAKKO: How will that help?
DOT: Help with what?
FONZ: I think I know what to do here....step aside, everyone.
Time for Dr. Fonz to go to work... (as the 50's doo-wop music plays, Fonzie walks over to
Axel's bed, sticks out his elbow, and gives a whack in Axel's forehead. Axel sits up,
clutching his head....)
AXEL: (Grabbing his forehead) You're (bleep) right I am! (Looks
around) (BLEEP)! I'm in the (bleep)in' hospital again! What a pain in the (bleep)in'
FONZ: (Shrugs, sarcastically) You're *welcome*...
AXEL: Ah, shove it, "Monty"... (gets out of the bed)
Can we get goin' before Tom Daschle has a (bleep)in' cow over my medical bills?!
JOANIE: (Covering her face) Sure, Mr. Foley....but, um, could you
change into some clothes first? That hospital gown isn't very flattering...
AXEL: (Stares down at his gown, and grumbles... the sibs snicker)
(Cut to some time later, as we see Igor show up at the
Enormo-Mart...he's greeted by Akom.)
AKOM: Ah, my demonic bretheren, how goes it?
IGOR: (a bit annoyed) Sure, fine, whatever....let's just get this
over with. Lousy Chandu sticking us with his work....no wonder his brothers and sisters
give him the cold shoulder...thinks he's such a "big shot" Hollywood actor. All
right, who're we wiping out?
AKOM: From what I can tell, the doglike infidels hauled the
screaming, cursing infidel off to the infidel....er, hospital. Apparently leaving behind
their three rodent friends.
IGOR: Mere *mice*?! What threat can they pose for us? We who are
of demonic stock! Two of the most fearsome beings in all creation!
AKOM: (Proud) Yes! Our importance truly cannot be matched! (Sees
a minion hand him an re-order form for two cases of mouthwash; he signs it, initials two
boxes, and hands it back to the minion) Erm...let's go get started.
IGOR: We shall, as soon as their foes I was contacted by
arrive....some beings calling themselves "Team Ninja". (Akom looks at him
perplexed) I know, sounds like something from those videos you sell...
(Cut over to the mice, standing near the entrance of the
Enormo-Mart....Brain's talking into a cell phone)
BRAIN: Excellent....see you here. (Hangs up) Axel's made a rapid
and "miraculous" recovery, *again*....apparently to the help of a Mr.
Fonzarelli. They'll be back here soon...
PINKY: Um, how soon?
AKOM: (Off-screen) NOT SOON ENOUGH!
(The mice turn and see the presence of both Akom and Igor, with
their eyes glowing....they shoot a few energy beams over the mice's heads....standing off
to the side are Team Ninja, with Stewie in tow.)
IGOR: It ends *here*, for the both of you!
(Cut to the Flintstone-mobile, Cunningham Rambler, and Jackie's
van, which're all speeding into the Enormo-Mart parking lot....we see various customers
race out the store, screaming, as sounds of energy blasts are heard....)
DOT: Ooooh, sounds like someone's *mad*....
BARNEY: (sees a blue beam blast through a window) Either that, or
a blue-light special....
(They all disembark and head inside....where we see the mice are
racing about the main foyer, trying to dodge the energy beams....)
BRAIN: (Eyes Stewie, while trying to dodge the energy beams)
*Stewie*....you're behind this!?
STEWIE: Oh, *please*....as if I could have come up with a plan
*this* evil. (Brain stares coldly at him) Well, so I lied. But these two demonic types are
pretty impressive, wouldn't you say?
IGOR: Hold still, you miserable rodents!
YAKKO: (Now inside, with the others) Oooh, now *that's* an
original line....let me guess, "Mr. Jinx, circal 1959"?
IGOR: (Eyeing the sibs) Ah, the ones who have destroyed many a
McDonald's with their insipid antics....
WAKKO: Actually, we only blew up just one....but maybe today
you'll get lucky! (Dot jabs him)
IGOR: Well, you won't get the chance to destroy *my* lucrative
franchise! My minions are working overtime to ensure I have a bank account the size of
YAKKO: Which explains those M*ckeyD workers looking like they're
about to drop from exhaustion. Well, let's see....since calling the Wisconsin occupational
standards board on our two demonic friends here wouldn't make for amusing story
DOT: Like *this* stuff is better?
YAKKO: Ahem. Anyway, looks like we'll have to resort to an old
standby to take out these goons.... (grabs a rope next to him,and pulls it. An anvil drops
down on the two of their heads, which only temporarily dazes them....)
YAKKO: A-ha. As I was saying, that old standby---- (Wakko hands
the demons a playing card, but the demons disintegrate the card, causing it to blow up in
YAKKO: Erm...*as* I was *saying*, that old standby----
DOT: Oh, *no*.
YAKKO: Sorry....no other choice.
(Yakko points to behind the two demonic managers; they turn
around, and find standing there the Warners....Yakko and Wakko smile for the two while Dot
reads a magazine out of boredom.)
AKOM: Oh, *please*. We're long-lived demonic beings....and even
*we* think that gag is ancient.
YAKKO: No way... (whips out a carbon-dating kit) See? Only dates
back to "older than dirt"! Right, Dot?
DOT: (Ignores Yakko; mumbles something with disinterest and flips
YAKKO: Er, right....well, then, only one thing to
do....aaaahhhhh, let Brain handle this!
BRAIN: (Proudly) Very well, then..... I do happen to have made up
a plan for this situation. Maestro?
(We hear music start up from out of nowhere, to the tune of
"Monster Mash"...cut to a shot of Brain in ACME Labs, working at something....)
BRAIN: (Singing) I was working in the lab, late one night, when
my eyes beheld a bloodshot sight...with a desire for Visine I stepped out to buy, but see
only, to my surprise---
(Cut to a shot of Brain standing admist a stream of strip
malls/chain stores/etc. along a stretch of highway)
WARNERS, PINKY & BILLIE: (As backup singers) It was the
BRAIN: It was the "chain store" mash....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It was a franchised smash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: They did the chain store mash...
BACKUP: Dooo-wah, dooo....
(Cut to scene of the heroes, save for Brain, beginning to
BRAIN: From my laboratory in Manhattan east, to the sunny shores
of San Diego's beach, the chain stores came spreading like a cold, with loss-leader wares
for young and old...
BACKUP: It was the *mash*!
BRAIN: It was the "chain store" mash....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It was a franchised smash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: They did the chain store mash...
BACKUP: Dooo-wah, dooo....
BRAIN: The Warners were having *fun*.... the store sprawl had
just begun.... (Shot of the Warners playing with a volleyball set at the Enormo-Mart, with
Wakko scarfing down McD's burgers...)
BRAIN: Guests included *Flintstone*.... Rubble, and his son.
(Shots of Fred and Barney enjoying themselves, with Barney holding baby Bamm-Bamm)
BRAIN: The chains were spreading, with lot of bucks all around...
Igor on chains backed by his minions' sounds (Shot of Igor (with chains rattling) getting
down, with using his various minions' heads being used as bongo drums....)
BRAIN: The zoning board was about to arrive, with plans to
build.... a strip mall or five! (Shot of Milwaukee's zoning board showing up, with city
district plans in their hands and contracts with strip mall constructors in another, and
they begin dancing as well...)
WARNERS, PINKY & BILLIE: (As backup singers) It was the
BRAIN: It was the "chain store" mash....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It was a franchised smash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: They did the chain store mash...
BACKUP: Dooo-wah, doo....
BRAIN: Out from his Rambler Dad's voice did ring....seems he was
troubled by just one thing.... rolled down the window, and shook his fist, and said:
MR. C: (In his car) Whatever happened to my local pharmacist?!
BACKUP: They all got mashed!
BRAIN: They got chain store mashed....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: And it's a franchised smash!
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: The chain store mash..
(Cut to a shot of everyone jamming to the music.....)
BRAIN: Now everything's cool, Dad's a part of the plan, and the
chain stores have come to rule all of the land... for you mom-and-pops, this song was
meant, too. Try to compete, or else you'll be *through*....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It's called the chain store mash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: And through my franchise *smash*.... (shot of a dancing
Akom inadvertently smashing up a few things inside the Enormo-Mart)
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It raked in
lots of cash....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: They did the chain store mash...
IGOR: (Gnashing his teeth on a canister of oatmeal he'd taken a
bite out of) Mmm! Mush...good!
BRAIN: (Chuckling) Easy, Igor, you impetuous young manager,
IGOR: (Still munching, making grunting noises) Mmmm! Mush...good!
(The music continues, as Brain leads the still-dancing Team
Ninja, Stewie, Igor, and Akom to a back room near Team Ninja's blimp....they see that the
Warners and lab mice are all aboard. They quickly surround them, preventing their
MIKEY: Cool! We've got the mice *and* those crazy kids!
SHERYL: Too sweet....back to Burbank! Plotz will be *pleased*....
HOK FU: HOK WANT TO DO MASH AGAIN!
YAKKO: No problem...hit it! (The music starts up again, with the
mice and Warners dancing in step...)
MIKEY: (Giggling insipidly) Aw, *yeah*! (Begins dancing)
Um....did those kids always have those dreadlocks?
SHERYL: Who knows.... let's haul it to Burbank!
STEWIE: Agreed.... (begins dancing and humming the tune, as we
see the blimp roar off to L.A....cut back to the outside of the Enormo-Mart, where we
see---the Warners and mice?!?)
DOT: Great plan, Brain....
BRAIN: You're welcome.
BILLIE: Um, any idea how long before those guys catch on to the
fact that they're "getting down" with recycled stock footage of the Warners from
that "reggae" Pokemon promo they made awhile back?* (* - actually, back in
"Radio Free Warners" ---Brainatra)
BRAIN: Let's hope they don't notice before we can high-tail it
back to Burbank. That "Christmas Week" parade is scheduled to start the day
after tomorrow...we've got no more time to waste spreading the Thanksgiving message and
stopping that parade! (Sees the Cunninghams and Fonz) I thank you for your help....but
now, we must be on our way...
DOT: (Clings to Fonz's leg) Aww...can't we take Fonzie at least?
He'd be a great asset! .... for *me*.
BRAIN: No. We've made it this far without accumulating more
FONZ: Whoa, hold on...*nobody* calls the Fonz *worthless*...
(picks Brain up) capish?!
FONZ: Good....no offense, but I got my honor to defend, y'know?
(Smiles, sets Brain down)
BRAIN: (Flatly) Very well....you may come. But be warned, this
won't be pretty. Those two demonic creatures in tow, "Team Ninja" and that brat
Stewie won't make this easy. Now *come*....we're off to Los Angeles. The fate of
Thanksgiving lies in our hands!
PINKY: (Looking at his hands) Um, all I see in my hands are
little fingerprint thingies, Brain... (Brain clasps Pinky's snout, and drags him off
towards the van...the others walk to their respective vehicles to follow.....).
(Commercials promoting Has-Been Toys' new line of shape-shiftin',
overpriced, easily-breakable Japanese-animated robot toys play....then cut to "Team
Ninja"'s blimp. Mikey is grooving to the "Chain Store Mash" song, while
Sheryl is looking out over the land. )
SHERYL: Hey, Mikey! Look at the country...isn't it amazing from
MIKEY: (Singing) It was the mash! It was the chain store mash!
The chain store mash! It was a...
SHERYL: (Slightly annoyed, Noo Yawk accent growing stronger)
C'mon, Mikey, look at the view! It's amazing! It's romantic! It's...
MIKEY: (Singing) The mash! It was the chain store mash! The chain
store mash! It was a...
SHERYL: (Extremely peeved) MIKEY, GET YOUR SORRY (BLEEP) AWAY
FROM THOSE STUPID WARNERS AND LOOK AT THIS ROMANTIC VIEW, (BLEEP)IT! (Calmed down)
Mikey...Mikey...(Sheryl notices the jerky motion of "The Warners" and "The
Mice") Aw, (bleep)! Mikey, we got the shaft!
MIKEY: (Singing) It was the...(Jolted out) What?
SHERYL: Mikey, you idiot---look! (Jerks Mikey's head towards the
"Warners"/"mice") See how jerky they're movin'?!
MIKEY: Yeah, so?
SHERYL: (Slaps the back of his head) You fool! Don't you get it?!
Those losers stuck us with.... STOCK FOOTAGE!
MIKEY: (Bleep)! I feel hosed! (Sighs) Guess this means we gotta
catch them, right? (Sheryl nods) So, how long will it take to get to California?
STEWIE: Well, if my calculations are correct...and they always
are...We should be there in 2 hours! (Grows sour upon staring at the
recycled-stock-footage Brain) BLAST! I can't believe we fell for the most loathsome, vile,
repetitive, and cost-effective trick in the book! And especially a trick that *I* used in
a previous fanfic! (Kicks the recycled-stock-footage-Brain, sending him landing near the
IGOR: (Disappointed) Hmph....and I so liked that song.
AKOM: (Also sounding disappointed) Me, too.
GRIFFINO: (Chirps in disappointment as well)
MIKEY: (Holds up a miniature tape recorder) Not to worry,
dude...I like, taped it and junk. (Hits "play", and the "Chain Store
Mash" song plays....)
AKOM: Excellent. Then these "imposters" won't be
necessary... (Akom fires up his eyes, and blasts the faux-sibs/mice into a pile of ashes.)
IGOR: If only we could do that to the *real* rodents who tricked
(Suddenly, Sheryl's cell phone rings....she answers it.)
SHERYL: Hello? Ah, *boss man*..... well, we had the Warners and
mice and stuff, but they like, tricked us by usin' that stock footage stuff, and....
(hears lots of yelling through the cell phone) OK, OK! We're on it! (Hangs up) Mikey,
sweetie, we gotta capture those guys for the boss!
MIKEY: No fooling.... but how do we do it?
SHERYL: Well, not to worry..."Team Ninja" is more than
capable of coming up with an original plan. Right, team?
(The rest of Team Ninja seems a bit distracted...Hok Fu, Mikey,
and Griffino are busy jamming to the "Chain Store Mash" song. Stewie rolls his
eyes at all this.)
STEWIE: Oh, blast it all...don't worry, Miss Sheryl.... I've
faced those wretched cretins before...and I think *I've* got the perfect plan. (Laughs
sinisterly...) Very well---Griffino! Take notes! (Griffino produces a stenographer's
machine and prepares to type) Now, here's what we'll do....
(Cut away from the villains, and back to the heroes. Once again,
Jackie's van is speeding down the highway. Brain is confidently mapping out plans and
singing along to the radio. )
BRAIN: (Singing his heart out) I love rock 'n' roll! So put
another dime in the jukebox, baby! I love rock 'n' roll so come on, take your time and
dance with ME!
RADIO DJ: Hey there! It's Casey Casem, and you just heard "I
Love Rock 'N' Roll" by Joan Jett...and soon it will be covered by that adorable teen
pop princess Britney Spears!
BRAIN: (Shocked) What?
CASEY: Oh, by the way, Spears will also be the grand marshall of
the "Christmas Week" Parade tomorrow in California, where she will debut her
cover! (Zombie-like) I'm eliminating Joan Jett's version effective now...you will buy
Britney's new song for your family this Christmas!
BRAIN: (Annoyed) As if I didn't have enough reasons to stop this
parade, now the fate of airplay of Joan Jett's biggest hit is in dire straits!
PINKY: Why would they want to have anything to do with it, Brain?
BRAIN: (Sighs, then brightens up) Wait a minute! Joan Jett is
playing a concert in the area near the parade, but it doesn't have any thing to do with
the festivities! I have to alert her, somehow!
BILLIE: Brain, don't you think that's a little stupid?
BRAIN: Please...surely, you like a certain musical artist enough
to help them!
BILLIE: Well, I was a big fan of Diane Russ and the
Sublimes...Yeah, I guess you're right!
BRAIN: Thank you! Now to figure out how to get the message to
(Cut to the Fonz's motorcycle. Dot's riding on the back, with
doo-wop music playing in the background.)
DOT: So, which one did you date, Laverne or Shirley?
FONZ: Hey, the Fonz does not discuss his personal life!
DOT: I thought you were great in "Night Shift", but why
did you do "The Waterboy"?
FONZ: Heeeyyy, the Fonz needs the dough! Bike repair doesn't come
DOT: Can I spend Hanukkah at your place?
FONZ: I'll think about it!
(Cut to the Flintstone-mobile, which once again is being powered
by Fred (and Axel's) two feet....)
YAKKO: Ah, this is the life....the crisp, fall air....the sounds
of the humming...um.... (glances at Axel, who looks slightly annoyed)
"engine"....the rush of the open wind...and of course, the best part of all....
DOT: Hunky guys? (Glances at the Fonz, who's riding alongside
their car on his bike)
WAKKO: Getting some turkey for Thanksgiving once this is all
over? Um, if not *sooner*.
YAKKO: Nah.....I mean, *the INTERSTATE*!
W&D: Of course! The *Interstate*!
(Music starts up, to the theme of Nat King Cole's 1940's classic,
WARNERS: If you ever want to head out west,
Travel our way...
Take the big ol' concrete stretch....
Gee, it's great.....the big Interstate.
(Jazzy music continues, as we see a montage of sights along the
gang's stretch of highway, with various images of billboards, Interstate signposts, and
those "caution, bridge may be icy in winter" signs.)
WARNERS: It winds from New York to *L.A.*...
Lots of gas stops and McDonalds' all the way.
(Cut to a shot of the gang stopped off at a gas station, where we
see Axel's resting his feet in a bucket of water (with epsom salts added), and the Warners
pleading and begging Brain to go into a McDonald's, but to no avail, as he herds all
of them (with a wooden ruler) into a nearby Olive Gardener...)
WARNERS: Gee, it's great.... the big Interstate.
Pass Louisville, Kentucky---- (a shot of the sibs riding Wakko around a race track like a
horse is seen)
Branson, Missouri, (a shot of Fred in prehistoric western gear and wielding
slingshot-pistols is seen)
and great Jefferson City is mighty...unhip. (A shot of the gang in Jefferson City, sorting
through items at a magazine rack).
You see Minneapolis.... ( a shot of the sibs harassing Lou Grant is seen, along with Pinky
tossing a small blue hat up in the air repeatedly and giggling)
Big ol' Indianapolis, (a shot of the sibs harassing author Kurt Vonnegut, and a shot of
Fred floorboarding his car around the track at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, making
Jeff Gordon look on with astonishment...)
Don't forget Little Rock... (a shot of the sibs eyeing a small rock on the ground, and one
with the others admiring a memorial devoted to school desegregation)
Bismark, Missoula, Reno Nevada... (a shot of Brain, Fred, and Fonzie trying to figure out
where the heck they're going on an auto club road map)
WARNERS: You'll all do fine....with this waste of time:
When you make that big cross-country trip,
Gee it's great....the big Interstate.
(The jazzy music ends, as we see the gang puttering down the
road...we cut back to the villains, engaged in implementing their Evil Scheme...)
STEWIE: (Dialing a cell phone) Time to call one of my
allies-in-evil to serve as assistance...(Speaks into the phone) Hello? Get me the trailer
of... *BRITNEY SPEARS*! (Dum-dum-duuuummm....)
(Cut to Britney's trailer in Hollywood, as we see her practicing
the Jett-remake song number....)
BRITNEY: (Sounding "perky") OK, and one, and two,
BODYGUARD: (Who looks quite muscular looking; Hands her a cell
phone) Phone for ya.
BRITNEY: (Drops her perkiness, and sounds rather, well, evil)
Don't bother me, you *fool*! I was practicing for my musical number for that stupid parade
of Plotz's. Once I'm done remaking that insipid has-been's bargain-bin song number, I'll
be able to rake in even *more* money from those brainless zombie teenaged girls that think
I look "adult". (Smirks, grabs the phone; perky voice) Yes?
STEWIE: Miss Spears?! Stewie Griffin here....
BRITNEY: (Back to nonperky voice) Oh, it's *you*...what do *you*
STEWIE: Don't take that tone with me, lady...don't forget who
helped you win all those "teen choice" awards!
BRITNEY: Yeah, yeah....so what is it this time, pint-size?
STEWIE: I need you to ensure that that, even if those Warners
show up, they won't be in any position to stop *squat*! If you see them, be sure you use
your, ahem, "physical attributes" to stop them cold.
BRITNEY: Excellent. Should I get Christine Aguillera, as well?
She might want in on this...
STEWIE: I suppose she owes me too after helping *her* with
getting all that radio airplay....but I don't think that'll be necessary. You'll suffice
on your own...no, wait, be sure your bodyguard's with you as well. Must take out that
wretched Warner *sister*, Dot, as well.
BRITNEY: No prob.... (hangs up) C'mon....we got a musical number
to prepare for...and to prepare for a bunch of mutt-lookin' kids that might try to screw
this up for me. (Perks back up) Time for America to meet its biggest "Christmas
Week" superstar! (Laughs perkily, which changes to a sinister laugh....dramatic music
(Commercials for "GI Jane" action figures are
(Cut back to the heroes. As scenes of the group speeding to get
to California play, we hear the Warners sing a parody of "Christopher Tracy's
Parade" by Prince)
WARNERS: Everybody, please avoid Plotz's Christmas Week Parade.
Think about the money you've lost on the lame items that you paid! Remember that turkey
isn't bad...or have your brains been frayed? Now, come along, the timing's wrong...please
avoid this parade! (Just music, as the group finds time to go into yet another Olive
Gardener) Stop buying Pokemon videos...cheap toys and big pianos. Save it for the proper
time. There's cranberry sauce to eat. Everybody please avoid Plotz's Christmas Week
Parade. You'll thank us very much for avoiding the Christmas Week Parade (Avoiding the
Christmas Week Parade...Avoiding the Christmas Week Parade!)
(Cut to a small building somewhere in L.A., apparently Stewie's
latest hideout. We see Stewie, Mikey and Sheryl tending to a hostage.)
STEWIE: Now that we have you...how do you wish to die?
(The hostage turns out to be...)
JOAN JETT: I don't wish to die at all. Let me go, you sadistic
STEWIE: Don't take that sniping tone with *me*, you caterwauling
has-been! Besides, how do you know I'm sadistic when you haven't even seen me in action
JOAN: I've just read scripts that have been sent to me from your
show. It's just not funny. Besides, you're just a rip-off of The Brain!
STEWIE: Why, how dare you, you tempestuous virago?
JOAN: Hey, no one calls me a virago and gets away with it!
STEWIE: Virago, Virago, Virago!
JOAN: (Bleep) you! (Joan kicks Stewie across the room) 1st and
STEWIE: Oh, I'll definitely have to punish you now! (Looking
sinister) *Severely*! (Dramatic chords strike)
(Cut back to the mass gathering of heroes....in case you've
forgotten, consisting of: the Warners, the mice, Jackie Chan, Tohru, Fred Flintstone,
Barney Rubble, the Fonz, and Axel Foley. In their various vehicles, we see them speeding
through various northern California farms...cut to the mice, in their van...they're making
plans for spreading the Thanksgiving message, taking on the bad guys, and freeing the
BRAIN: Now then, Jackie and Tohru shall use their martial arts
prowess to take out "Team Ninja" and any other potential obstacles, while Billie
and I shall free Ms. Jett....
PINKY: Erm, what should *I* do, Brain?
BRAIN: You shall be spreading the tidings of Thanksgiving
throughout the Los Angeles area alongside the Warners, those cavemen, Mr. Fonzarelli, and
Mr. Foley...(sees Pinky's reaction) Don't even try it, Pinky....I'll be reunited with you
soon enough, and I'm sure your..."talents"...will work for this mission nicely.
Afterwards, we shall all regroup and put an end to that "Christmas Week" parade,
and encourage anyone viewing at home to tune in for Thanksgiving Day's Patriots vs. Saints
football game the following day, where I shall read my subliminal message of world
domination, and *TAKE OVER THE WORLD*!
BILLIE: Eh, sure thing, Eggy....
BRAIN: (Hands Billie some clothes) We'll likely need stealth to
deal with the likes of those cretins.....and class. Put these on....
(Cut to some time later...as we see the mice step out from behind
seperate blinds...Brain's wearing a derby hat, suit, and a carnation boutonniere, and is
wielding an umbrella...Billie is wearing a black turtleneck, black pants, and boots....her
hair's done up in a 60's "Mary Tyler Moore"-ish hairstyle as well...)
(Cut to a parody of the opening credits of the classic 60's TV
show "The Avengers": As the theme music starts up (the PatB theme set to the
"Avengers" theme style), we see the words "The Lab Mice: IN COLOR" in
the "Avengers" title font on the screen, and then the sight of Brain putting on
his derby hat and adjusting his suit, followed by the sight of Billie poking her head up
from behind a mouse-sized seat cushion (holding a mouse-sized water pistol, apparently
used in some game she was playing with Pinky) ... we see Brain remove his carnation, and
hand it to Billie; Billie takes it, then produces a carnation of her own. Brain looks
puzzled, as Billie walks over to a small dummy resembling Stewie that's been set up, and
sticks the carnation on the dummy. She pulls the stem, and a ticking sound is heard,
followed shortly by an explosion, which renders the dummy into a smoldering ruin. Brain
raises an eyebrow at all this, as Billie merely shrugs; the "Avengers"-style
music comes to a crescendo, as we see a shot of the previous scene as a silhouette.)
BRAIN: (Clutching his umbrella in one hand, and slapping it in
the palm of his other hand) *Eh-hem....*
BILLIE: Oh, that? Well, I planted a tiny-yet-powerful explosive
inside a few carnations for your outfit, Eggy...I decided that given how many times we get
captured in these things, I'm sick of being competely defenseless. Not to worry,
though...I'll carry a few carnations as well. With that Stewie monster on the loose, I'm
not takin' any chances this time...
BRAIN: (Flatly) Funny....I don't recall Mrs. Peel being
BILLIE: (Smiles, and shrugs)
(Cut away from this, to the evil that is Stewie Griffin, who is
seen still hiding inside of his location-unknown hideout in the L.A. area; he's at a desk,
making plans with "Team Ninja", Igor and Akom...Britney Spears and her bodyguard
are also present. In another room, we can hear Ms. Jett murmuring through a gag...)
STEWIE: Brilliant! With these plans, I shall be able to crush the
Brain and his cohorts with an *iron fist*! (Crushes a paper cup)
IGOR: Heh...I like your style, Stewie. Have you ever considered a
career in the world of fast food restaurant management?
STEWIE: Hmm... (pointless "Family Guy" aside involving
Stewie as a McDonald's manager) Perhaps someday...but for now, I must eliminate our
main competion for taking over the world!
(Pan over to Akom, who's chatting with the "Team Ninja"
AKOM: Yeah, Chandu looks like he's such a big shot on that
"Jackie Chan" TV show---but take it from me, among us demonic forces of evil,
he's a complete wuss. Ever see on that show how he never stands up for himself against
most of his own siblings half the time when they're around, yet acts all tough once he's
alone with those hired goons of his?
HOK FU: Um.....
AKOM: Don't answer that. Won't even go into that get-together of
ours on New Year's once....it wasn't pretty. Demons, six cases of cheap fermented grape
juice from the "clearance" aisle of my store, and a bunch of siblings with
serious family relations problems.... (Shudders). Though between you and me, the only
reason they probably even got on the second season of that show was that they pestered
Chandu to death to ask that Plotz guy to give 'em some parts, and so they could pad the
rest of the show's episode order....
SHERYL: (Shrugs) Who knew?
AKOM: And that time when he was on this one "Space
Ghost" interview show along with Godzilla and that Char-whatsits thing from that
"Poke"-show... he got so upset when they asked him about that time he lost all
his money back in '87 on that S&L venture that he stormed off the set, torched his
dressing room and then took off for the bars. (Shakes his head) Short temper, that guy...
IGOR: (Nearly snickering) Don't forget Chandu's quote-unquote
AKOM: Ah, yes. His "date" for the prom. We all went
together.....and check out *this* beauty. (Shows them a picture of all of them wearing
tuxedos, and Chandu's "date"...who even for demon standards isn't pretty. Said
date resembling a version of his frog-looking sister, only a thousand times less
STEWIE: (Makes a face, covering half his face with his hand)
Yeurgh. Looks like a cross between a casserole of Hannibal Lecter's and unkempt roadkill.
(Shakes his head) But enough idle chitchat. We must prepare for our "guests'"
arrival! Britney, you and your bodyguard shall seek out and intercept those walking
excuses for mutts and stop them dead in their tracks with your physical attributes. The
rest of you shall remain here and be dispatched to go after the rest of those cretins as
needed....plus, I have the feeling that the Brain shall attempt to make a
"heroic" rescue attempt at freeing that caterwauling singer Ms. Jett. But we
*will* be waiting.... (shot of Stewie, along with Igor, Akom, and "Team Ninja"
all laughing sinisterly, as we fade to black....)
(Commercials for "Turkey (Pay) Day" scratch-'n-win
tickets for the state lottery play....)
(Cut back to the villains....we see Stewie's inside a master
control room similar to the one he had in "Warner Academy 2", with Igor, Akom,
and "Team Ninja" in tow...)
MIKEY: Cool digs, man...
STEWIE: Why, thank you....it was a little gift from Rupert in
favor of ensuring a quick and merciful end to that "Wolf Lake" series on CBS. A
few temperament shots for the entire cast sucked the horror out of *that* threat to Fox's
ratings....but now, on to a scheme far more evil than that one! Even despite our might,
there's a possibility of those cretins not only evading us, but carrying out their
precious "mission"...so, I'm bringing in another ringer to ensure that both
Plotz's plans and *our* plans succeed.
IGOR: How so?
STEWIE: Well, while Griffino was in possession of that Ms. Karaoke, I programmed him to
scope out the set-up of the set of "Histeria" that they've put in storage...yes,
I know, I figured they'd return him to me despite paying such a low figure for
him....cheapskates. Anyway, one aspect in particular: the HISTERIA TIME MACHINE!
SHERYL: Ooooh, not sure I like where *this* is goin'...
STEWIE: With Griffino having recorded the schematics of the
Histeria time machine, I used the equipment in this lab to reconstruct the machine, which
we shall use to perform a time-tested villain tactic----
SHERYL: Lemme guess: the old "bring a character out of the
past and into the present" bit?
STEWIE: Why, yes...how did you know?
SHERYL: (Thinking back to the "Harley Awards" fanfic
story) Don't *ask*. So, like, who're ya bringin' here?
MIKEY: Hope it isn't that Dr. Burrows guy. (Shudders)
STEWIE: No, not him. But someone far less villainous....rather,
the epitome of all that is wholesome and nauseously goody-goody about America. By any
chance, are you all familiar with the legend of a certain caped wonder who currently has
his own WB "teen drama"?
MIKEY: Aw, man, you don't mean....
STEWIE: Yes. The key to your aiding in Plotz's plans to decimate
the holiday of Thanksgiving, promote his "Christmas Week" parade, and ultimately
aid in my revenge on Brain and take over the world, shall be---- *SUPERBOY*!
SHERYL: But I thought, like, those comic book guys got rid of
Superboy....and besides, they have that "Smallville" TV show-thingamajig on now
where he doesn't even *wear* a costume.
STEWIE: Indeed.....all shall be revealed---in *time*. (Chuckles
at his joke) Ha! I made a funny. Now follow me.....
(They all do so; cut to a room containing a replica of the H!
time machine, and some sort of ray aimed at its entrance pad. We see Stewie is standing on
top of a stool, monkeying with the controls to the time machine....)
STEWIE: My plan is simple: I shall bring the Teen of Steel out of
the dark recesses of disposed comic-book character concepts, and into the world of 2001.
Once here, I shall place him under mind control and brainwash him with the personality of
a typical WB "teen drama" character, as well as to obey only *me*. With his
personality perverted so horriibly, I shall then use him to destroy the plans of those
asinine animated altruists, and use him as a template for my actual means of global
STEWIE: Yes...his various actions shall be recorded digitally on
my equipment, and once he's performed enough of his usual super-powered actions, I'll have
all the footage I need to create---(points to a blueprint lying on a table nearby) my own
army of *RECYCLED STOCK FOOTAGE SUPERBOYS*! (Dum-dum-duuuummmm) After gathering the
footage, I'll send the Pubescent of Steel back to the past, with no memory of what's
happened to him here in 2001. Then, I shall use the stock footage technology to create
based on the real Superboy's actions an army of stock footage clones, each of them capable
of ensuring my established rule over all humanity, *and* all of them obeying only *me*!
(Laughs) Ah, sometimes I *do* surprise even *myself* with my genius. (Sighs) but now---to
*work*! Now, then....how many years ago in "comic book" time would those DC
comic hack writers put the Teen of Steel's so-called "career"?
SHERYL: (Using a calculator) Um....uh....somewhere around 13 to
15 years ago, I think. Give or take...
STEWIE: Close enough. (As dramatic music plays, Stewie punches in
time and location coordinates into the time machine's controls: "Thanksgiving Day,
1988, Smallville Kansas", and presses a button to activate. The time machine begins
shaking, and activates....)
(We see a beam eminate from the time machine, hurtling skyward,
and through what looks like the time stream itself, as it passes various calendar pages
with the years printed on them, finally breaking through a calendar page labelled
"1988", and streaks towards a small two-story house in rural Smallville,
(Cut to the inside of the small house, as we see the Kent family
is plopped down in front of the TV set; apparently, they've just eaten Thanksgiving
dinner, and look quite stuffed.)
TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next--- what happens when the boys are
faced with stopping a massive load of illegal Halloween candy being shipped through P.S.
58? Stay tuned for---(thumping rock music) "MIAMI VICE KIDS"!!! (Shots of two
10-year-olds, one of them dressed like Don Johnson on "Miami Vice", is seen,
along with shots of them in a hot "pursuit" of some kids on bicycles....).
CLARK: (Bored) I think this "kiddification" of adult
characters thing is getting out of hand....
MA KENT: Well, it's surely better than "Star Truck: The Next
Examination"...no show with that annoying teenage ensign could possibly ever succeed.
Bet it gets cancelled by next fall---or they bring back, I don't know, Spock for a
season-ending-cliffhanger or something.
PA KENT: (Glumly) I miss the "Dukes of Hazzard".
MA KENT: (Pats Pa on the shoulder) There there, Jonathan. Don't
you remember that we taped the whole thing? (Points to a bookcase stuffed with
Beta-formatted videotape copies of the show)
PA KENT: (Perks up) Oh, yes... (chuckles, as Ma and Clark smile
back) What memories. Say, remember that episode when Boss----
(Pa's statement is cut off, as Clark is struck by the
time-travelling energy beam, which manages to tear off his Clark clothes and reveals his
super-costume underneath. The beam then teleports him away, to Ma and Pa's distress. We
see Clark travel across the timestream, with the same calendar pages, until he finally
lands in 2001. Back at the H! time machine-ripoff, we see Stewie eye the results
gleefully, as we see materializing on the pad is Superboy himself....)
SUPERBOY: (Bewildered) Wha---where am I?! Last thing I recall is
watching some stupid TV show, then...
STEWIE: Welcome, Superboy---I am the one who's brought you here.
All the way to the amazingly futuristic year----*2001*! (dum-dum-duuumm.... Stewie shifts
his pupils back and forth)
SUPERBOY: What th---?! *2001*?!? (Looks annoyed) OK, that's
it....I'm gonna--- (however, before he does anything, Stewie activates the
brainwashing/mind-control ray device, rendering Superboy into a stupor.)
STEWIE: You'll do nothing, young man, except for serving my every
*whim*, as your very psyche is converted into that of your Tom Welling namesake on that
wretched new program of yours! (Presses a few buttons, and uses the ray to begin beaming
concentrated datastream doses of various WB "teen dramas" like "Dawson's
Creek", "Seventh Heaven", and even "Smallville" into Superboy's
noggin. Dramatic music plays....)
IGOR: He's...*capable* of taking this stress?
STEWIE: Apparently so, considering he's absorbing the contents of
multiple seasons' worth of WB primetime programming---*including* a few episodes of
"Unhappily Ever After" just for the heck of it! HA! Now *that's* what I call
resilience. (We see flashing in Superboy's pupils the images of various WB-drama teens
angsting over something or other...) Ah, yes. Soon, the process shall be complete. And the
teen of steel shall become---the *Teen of Angst*! (Laughs sinisterly, as dramatic music
continues to play....)
(Cut away from the writer's making this story even more ludicrous
than it already is, and to the rest of the heroes save for Brain and Billie (the Warners,
Pinky, Jackie, Tohru, Fred, Barney, Axel, and Fonzie if you've forgotten), who're on their
way to rescue Joan Jett from Stewie's clutches; the heroes are standing in front of a
"Not-So-Lucky" supermarket, trying to encourage passersby to demand the store
sell Thanksgiving goods. Jackie's talking to someone on his cell phone---namely, Uncle.)
UNCLE: (in a cheesy split-screen effect; calmly) Jackie....I have
given you something of great use for this effort...the *turkey talisman*.
JACKIE: (Perplexed) The *turkey* talisman? (Fishes for it in a
bag of his, and finds it)
UNCLE: This rare talisman's powers consist of the ability to create an appropriate
Thanksgiving holiday ambiance from that which has misappropriated this holiday.
JACKIE: Hmm.... (aims it at a Christmas Santa decoration on the
corner; a beam zaps from the talisman, turning the Santa into a turkey decoration. He aims
it again at boxes of candy canes and cans of Christmas-colored frosting on display in the
supermarket, which converts them all into boxes of macaroni shells and cans of cranberry
sauce.) Thank you, Uncle. This *might* prove of some use...
UNCLE: (Calmly) One more thing....bad men may try to take this
talisman. You must persevere.
JACKIE: I know, Uncle...
UNCLE: (Growing more shrill) Oh, and *one more thing*....how
could you lock Jade inside a closet like that?! *Bad* influence!
UNCLE: (Now completely shrill) *ONE MORE THING*----why are you
working with all those characters?! You're being *overshadowed* by a cast that dwarfs half
JACKIE: Erm....of course...goodbye, Uncle. (Hangs up) Well, guys,
it looks as if we've got another ace in the hole....
WAKKO: Really? I thought we already *had* one of those.... (whips
out a deck of cards, and wiggles his eyebrows; Dot slaps it out of his hand and knocks the
deck off-screen, with an explosion heard, followed by someone saying "AAAAH! My
JACKIE: I mean, that thanks to *this* (holds up the talisman) we
might be able to stem the tide of all this Christmas hard-selling somewhat.
(The others all cheer)
VOICE: Wouldn't go around cheering just *yet*, pals....
(They all turn around, and find standing there none other than
DOT: Oooh, look---talentless people.
AXEL: Yeah, I know...I'm lookin' at three of 'em right now.
(Staccato laugh, as the sibs frown at this zinging)
DOT: (Still annoyed) Ick...Britney Spears. Look, sister, why
don't you go take your little sleazily-dressed, opportunistic self back to whatever high
school you dropped out from, 'K?
BRITNEY: Sorry, "sister", but I've got orders from a
very, ahem, personal source to take you Warners down.
DOT: Lemme guess...from a certain large-headed baby?
BRITNEY: Er, somethin' like that. And besides, I've got plenty of
talent....I'm still goin' strong, moreso than *you* has-beens! And *I've* been on a recent
"Simpsons" episode---so *there*!
DOT: (Makes a face) You and *Gary Coleman*. I've heard
enough----(about to grab onto a rope appearing out of nowhere) looks like it's anvil time.
Right, guys? (Silence) Guys?
(Pan over to see that her sibs are too busy leering/slobbering at
the scantily-clad "singer"....)
DOT: (Waves her hand in front of their faces) Well, looks like
they're gone. Of course, there's still *me*....
(Britney whistles loudly, and in walks her bodyguard, who begins
flexing in front of Dot. Dot goes into hysterics, yelling "HELLOOOOO, NURSE!")
BRITNEY: (Into a walkie-talkie) OK, I've captured these losers.
STEWIE: Just stand right there.
(The ground begins shaking, just as Fred and Tohru were about to
move forward to grab onto the bodyguard/Sleazy One.)
FRED: What th--?! (Panicks) ASTEROID! Quick, Barn, get all the
dinosaurs into the house before our gadgets and way of life are completely wiped out!
(Sees the others' reactions) Er, sorry...always something of a fear of mine.
(We soon see what's causing the rumbling...namely, drilling
straight up through the parking lot is none other than a giant digging machine resembling
Stewie. Stepping on top of the machine's main cab is none other than---)
ALL: TEAM NINJA?!
MIKEY: (Wearing his usual clothes, save for a t-shirt with a
large "N") That's right, um, (looks at his "Team Ninja" script again)
"twerps", and I think it's time to prepare for trouble! (Cheap-sounding music
starts to play)
SHERYL: (Wearing her exaggerated shoulder-pad clothes, now with a
large "N" painted on the front) Make it double!
HOK FU: MAKE ME DOUBLE MOCCHA TRIPLE GRAND ESPRESSO LATTE! (his
teammates stare at him)
SHERYL: Well, I think we've figured out *why* Hok's so
high-strung. (Mikey and Griffino nod)
(Continuing) To protect our butts from devastation...
MIKEY: To get big bucks is our motivation....
(The villains continue the motto, as the rest of the heroes look
DOT: You'd think we'd get villains who were inspired by something
*other* than that Poke-show....
YAKKO: Nah....too much work for the "esteemed" writers.
(The villains finish the motto)
MIKEY: (Looks at his script) Oh, yeah. Erm... "I choose
(Cut to a cheesy shot of Mikey looking like he's pointing
towardsd Hok, as Hok streaks forward with that cheesy lines effect in the background)
MIKEY: Hok Fu---use, um..... (reads the script) doesn't say what
sort of "attack" moves he has.
SHERYL: Oh, nevermind---Hok Fu, Griffino---take care of those
(Hok Fu leaps towards the startled heroes on the ground; a series
of cheap-o still shots of Hok slamming into Fred, Barney, Axel, Fonzie, and Jackie are
seen. Meanwhile, an equally series of cheap shots of Griffino using an electrode to shock
Tohru is seen)
PINKY: Um.... (looks around at his comrades looking pained on the
(Suddenly, a pair of mechanical hands extends from the machine,
and grabs onto the Warners) HEY! Give them back!
MIKEY: (Laughs) I don't think so....got orders to bring these
three back so that we can turn 'em into Plotz and get *paaaaiiid*! (High-fives Sheryl, as
the machines imprison the still-going-beserk-at-Britney-and-bodyguard sibs are put inside
toon-escape-proof stasis tubes) And now, we'll all bid you adieu---ta-ta! (the Team,
Britney, and the bodyguard all get into the machine)
(The machine's wheels start up, and it takes off down the street,
back towards Stewie's lair....Pinky eyes his unconscious comrades on the ground, and
utters one feeble "troz". Dramatic music chord plays.)
(Commercials for K-Tel Records Christmas music records play.....)
(Cut to the hospital. With the Brain looking for vengeance back
at the site, Billie (still in her "Mrs. Peel" clothes) and Pinky are keeping
watch over the human characters. )
BILLIE: Every turn brings a new step to torment. The Warners are
indisposed...our human friends are teetering on the edge of life...I'm so confused.
PINKY: Gee, they look so peaceful. I hope they recover.
(Wavy lines cover the screen, and we see Fred, Barney, Axel,
Fonzie, Jackie and Tohru in an odd area. All are dressed in white, and surrounding them
are scary and just plain odd images. Beheadings, starved children, the footage of kittens
boxing that you see every so often on recent episodes of "Saturday Night Live",
and the meat grinder and the grade-school teacher from "Pink Floyd: The Wall"
are projected on black walls. In the background, words ring from all over. "Help the
children"..."For crimes against humanity"..."How can you eat your
pudding if you don't finish your meat"..."Death"..."I am the
succubus"..."Come to Crazy Larry's! The prices are *INSANE!*")
FONZIE: Heeeyyy, where are we?
AXEL: I think the (bleep)ing question should be, "how'd we
all end up in the same dream?"
FRED: I'm stumped. Barn?
BARNEY: Don't look at me. Jackie?
JACKIE: The closest I come to drugs are the cigars I smoke. I'm
clueless myself. Tohru?
TOHRU: I'm scared.
(The marching hammers, another "Pink Floyd: The Wall"
reference, rumble by to the tune of "Another Brick In The Wall, Part 2". Snakes
fly through the air, exploding like bombs but not killing anything. A pair of shoes dances
across the scene to a fragment of the showtune "Puttin' On The Ritz", while a
giant Oreo cookie almost runs the group over. Freakaoid's head floats by, saying "I
want to be paid in cash. Huggbees!". All of a sudden, flames shoot through the skies
and land on the ground, materializing in the form of...)
AXEL: Holy (bleep), it's you!
LISA: (a.k.a. the "sort of a mystery woman" from
earlier in the story. The background music becomes "Sympathy For The Devil" by
the Rolling Stones) Yes, Axel. This is revenge for stiffing me in that never-completed
fanfic story, "Spaced-Out Warners"...
AXEL: You want to blame somebody? Blame Captain Caps!
(Pointlessly, Caps the author comes floating by, and just as fast
disappears from the picture)
LISA: You said you could get me back in contact with my father,
God rest his soul...but nothing ever happenned.
AXEL: Alright, sorry. The story stopped dead...I didn't have
anything to do with it, I swear!
FRED: Now, that's an understatement...
AXEL: (Bleep) you, stony! Look, Lisa, what's the point?
LISA: The point is...you're dead. (Lisa's hand sprouts Freddy
Kruegger-like talons, which Axel swiftly defies with a sword he grabbed out of mid-air
during Lisa's morph)
AXEL: Dodge, spin, parry, ha, thrust (Axel's nose turns up, much
like Daffy's in "Robin Hood Daffy") Ouch!
LISA: Feel the hand of justice (Lisa scrapes skin off of Axel's
arm, but it just as mysteriously grows back)
AXEL: Pop goes the weasel (Axel puts the sword under Lisa's feet,
and with a mighty heave, she flies off into the stratosphere)
JACKIE: Good work, Axel!
AXEL: No (bleep)ing problem! (Axel gives the gang his O.K, a la
"Beverly Hills Cop") Now, to get something to eat!
(All of a sudden, the dream world brightens up. We see midgets
jumping around on pogo sticks, shriners in little cars, and for some reason, William
SHATNER: Rocket...Man! I think its gonna be...a long, long time!
(Axel grabs a rope and drops an anvil on him. Candy then starts
flying all around.)
AXEL: Hey, guys! Eat up!
(The gang starts stuffing their mouths with gum and chocolate.
Wavy lines out back to Pinky)
PINKY: I hope they're alright!
(Meanwhile, we cut back to Brain....we see him using his cell
BRAIN: How soon can you be over here?
V.O: "Judge Judy" is ending in 3 minutes. Once I get
the verdict, I'll be over. Those putzes are going to get blown up real good!
(Commercials promoting every piece of Harry Potter merchandise
under the son conceivable, save for the actual *book*, play; then, cut to the villains'
lair; we see Stewie's on the verge of completing the WB-drama-brainwashing of Superboy.
Igor and Akom, along with Team Ninja and Britney Spears, watch with glee....we also see,
holed up in the same room that Joan Jett is in, are the Warners, locked away in
toon-escape-proof stasis chambers.)
DOT: Hmph....look where our hormones landed us *now*....
(Cut back to Stewie & co....)
MIKEY: (Hangs up a cell phone) The big P says that as soon as
we're done here, we can deliver these losers to him for those "Christmas Week"
promotional commercials he wants to use 'em for...
STEWIE: Excellent! (Eyes a computer progress bar showing the
amount of brainwashing needed in a program labeled "I Don't Brainwash Windows,
version 2.0a, for Windows 98 and up". The bar fills completely, and the computer
makes a beeping noise. Stewie deactivates the brainwashing device, and implants something
in Supes' ear...)
STEWIE: Now that I've added this homing device, I shall be able
to control and see your every movement from my lair! Arise, my slave, *arise*!
SUPERBOY: (Clutching his head) I feel
so...so.....*angst-ridden*.... (has a sulking look on his face like, well, your average WB
STEWIE: (Starting the teen-angst progress) You know, I'm sure
most teenagers your age would love to take Lana Lang to the *prom*---(fake gasp) Oh,
that's right....she'll probably want to go with someone else. Besides, she probably isn't
your "true love", anyway.
SUPERBOY: (Angst-ridden) NOOOOOO! (Smashes some random equipment
on a desk) I can't believe that! Lana...we were meant to *be* together! But
STEWIE: Well, maybe you could just go hang out with your
SUPERBOY: Pete Ross?! I don't *think* so...he never returned that
ruler I loaned him!
STEWIE: And how long ago was that?
SUPERBOY: Um, yesterday. (Gets more irate upon thinking about it)
And *WHY* couldn't I have the last slice of pepperoni pizza?! Ma and Pa had *plenty* of
pizza already!!! (Angst continues) And *WHY* did those stupid scalpers have to buy all the
tickets to that Janet Jackson concert?!? *WHY*?! (Screams)
STEWIE: (Grinning evil-like) *Excellent*. The brainwashing's even
more thorough than I thought....he's now completely in the mode of his
"Smallville" and "Dawson's Creek" TV show counterparts! (To Superboy)
Very well, Superboy....it's time to begin! For your first task, I'd like for you to drop
off those puppy-brats to Mr. Plotz....then, you'll await further orders...
SUPERBOY: Yes, sir. (Grits his teeth in more angst, as he storms
off into the room the Warners are in...they gasp upon seeing who it is)
YAKKO: It's....*Superboy*?! Must be for that new WB "teen
drama" of his....
SUPERBOY: (To Dot) Stop it! I didn't do anything... (looks
DOT: Um, we *know* that....
SUPERBOY: Just leave me alone! None of you could possibly
understand my situation!
WAKKO: And *that* is---?
SUPERBOY: I'm *invulnerable*! (They all stare at him)
JOAN JETT: And this is bad, *because*....?
SUPERBOY: *Because*....well, it makes me look like a *freak*,
that's what! I don't fit in with the other kids!
DOT: Ever think that maybe this might be a *good* thing? I mean,
at least you'll never have to worry about paper cuts...or getting beaten up by the school
SUPERBOY: (Sulks) Yeah---but Ma and Pa won't let me play
*football*! AAAAH! I wanna play!!!
YAKKO: Well, Kal, maybe they don't want you to play because....
SUPERBOY: WHY?! GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON!!!
DOT: Well, pumpkin, if you're capable of knocking someone's head
clean to the moon, I don't think that a heavy contact sport like, oh, I dunno, football,
might be a good idea. 'K, hon?
SUPERBOY: SHUT UP! You're no different than all the others! I
thought you could be my *friends*....
WAKKO: Your *special friends*? (Wiggles his eyebrows)
SUPERBOY: No way, man....you're just trying to get loose. Don't
think you can fool me----I saw that "Roger Rabbit" movie! (Gasps upon realizing
something) And the *popcorn* was too *BUTTERY*!
YAKKO: Aaaaah, actually----
SUPERBOY: SHUT UP! I'm sick of talking to you! Let's just go....
(Before the sibs can say anything, Superboy hoist the three in
their stasis chambers over their heads, and is about to fly them off, when Stewie's voice
STEWIE: Hold it right there, Superboy....just got off the horn
with Plotz. Apparently, he doesn't want us to return them to the studio right away.
WARNERS: He doesn't?
STEWIE: No, he has much better plans for you. You know that
Christmas Week parade is being held this afternoon, and he'd like for you three to make
your debut promotional appearance *there* to help promote the event, before you start your
lucrative new promotional filming careers....I'm sure you're familiar with that reggae
Poke-promos you produced? Well, your float in the parade shall consist of doing your
singing-and-dancing-in-place routine from that promo. (Snidely) Don't forget your
crudely-animated dreadlock wigs! (Laughs)
STEWIE: We'll all be heading to the parade as special guests of
Plotz....but first, I have a little *rodent problem* to resolve... (sinisterly laughs)
Come, Superboy...I've got a few tasks for you to perform...
(Cut to the hospital once more; we see Billie (still dressed in
her "Avengers" Mrs. Peel-esque clothes) and Pinky standing near the room housing
Jackie, Tohru, Fred, Barney, Axel, and Fonzie...)
BILLIE: Y'know, I wonder if this would be a bad time to start
thinking about the merits of universal health care....seein' what the insurance bills for
these guys is gonna be like after this mission's done...
(Suddenly, Brain walks in the room...he's still dressed in his
"Avengers" Jon Steed clothes.)
BRAIN: (Tipping his derby hat) Greetings.
BILLIE: Eggy, you're back! (Nods to the guys) No change in their
states, I'm afraid.
BRAIN: Indeed. As for discovering where that wretched Stewie's
holed up *this* time, I haven't had much luck, though I did bring in assistance....
BILLIE: You said no more characters...
BRAIN: I know, but she *is* an expert on explosives far
surpassing these exploding carnations you made (Fingers his carnation on his blazer). And
thus, I presumed she might aid us in defeating whatever vile plot Stewie has up his
sleeve. I have a feeling that this time, it'll be on an even worse scale than the last
(We see walking into the room is....Slappy Squirrel.)
SLAPPY: No need to applaud....(sees no one responds) *Ahem*. OK,
I've got the VCR tapin' "Secrets of Brady Bunch Stars Revealed" marathon....so,
what's up this time? Another one of these flippin' "gazillion characters chasin' some
shadow-hidden whatchamacallem" thingamajig?
PINKY: Um, that, and some of those gazillion characters lying in
a coma, POIT! (Points to the unconscious guys)
SLAPPY: Ahhh, they're just sleepin'.... (goes through her purse)
Lesse what I got here....pens, lipstick, ticket stubs to "Walnuts on Ice"....ah,
here we go: (pulls out an enormous air horn, aims it at the beds, and presses the button.
An ear-splitting, window-shattering screech eminates, jolting the pained heroes back into
JACKIE: (Eyes wide open) What---where----how---?!?
AXEL: (BLEEP)! We were havin' the most wonderful dream!
SLAPPY: "We"? Look, pal, I don't ask about your dreams,
and you throw some clothes on so we can figure out what to do next....
(Cut to some time later, as we see the large entourage in the
hospital cafeteria, gathered at a table near a TV set....we see Brain is making plans of
BRAIN: All right, this is the way I see it...the Warners...
PINKY: And Joan Jett, NARF!
BRAIN: *Yes*, Pinky, her too....are being held by Stewie, no
doubt to be turned over to Plotz soon, if they haven't been already. In addition, Stewie
and "Team Ninja" no doubt are going to plan *something* to lure Billie, Pinky
and I into some sort of trap, and to ensure that Thanksgiving doesn't go off as
(Suddenly, the TV picture changes to an image of Stewie, with
"Team Ninja", Igor, and Akom standing with him.)
BRAIN: (Seeing this) What th---?!
STEWIE: Greetings, Brain. My, these battles do get old, don't
they? I hit you, you blow me up, I kidnap your friends, you undermine my best
efforts....but *this* time, that won't be. Oh, no no *no*. This time, I, along with my
associates, including Plotz, will be victorious....
BILLIE: (Rolling her eyes) Here comes the long-winded explanation
of his "brilliant scheme".
BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow) You say that as if you were used to
BILLIE: (Pauses) Um.....let's just watch the TV, Eggy, OK?
STEWIE: First of all, I shall be turning your friends over to
Plotz at the "Christmas Week" parade being held this afternoon, a parade which
my friend Britney Spears (off-screen, we hear Britney yell "hi") will be
headlining, seeing as Ms. Joan Jett is indisposed and all... (pan to see her tied up,
along with the Warners). Meanwhile, I shall also undermine your Thanksgiving-saving plans
thanks to the efforts of "Tean Ninja" (sounds of the Team yelling "we
rule!") and my *newest* ally....
(Superboy walks into the shot...the heroes gasp)
PINKY: Egad...Superboy---*HERE*?! And he's...gulp...evil?
SUPERBOY: (Angst-ridden) AAARGH! How do I ask Lana to the
STEWIE: As you can clearly see, I pulled our angster-of-steel out
of the past and into 2001 via my duplication of that Histeria time machine, and that he's
been implanted with the personality of a typical WB teen-drama star....and is under my
control! Superboy, would you please execute the plan we discussed? (To the camera) Watch
(Through the homing device in Superboy's ear, we see the teen of
steel zip out of Stewie's lair, and fly at super-speed to a regional food storage facility
for various supermarkets within the southern California area. Breaking inside, the teen of
steel then utilizes his super-cold breath and freezes within a large, solid block of ice
every turkey within the facility. He then flies at super-speed to various other facilities
within the region, and either freezes the inventory even further or roasts them to a burnt
crisp with his heat vision. The heroes all gasp at this sight.)
STEWIE: You see, Brain? Even despite your encoruagements of the
public, I've just taken out every ounce of Thanksgiving-related foodstuff in the Los
Angeles area! There'll be no turkey, no cranberry sauce, no *nothing* this year for the
local citizenry....even if they could defrost it all in time---and while there's no time
to do the same for every city in the country, I *will* take care of the other goal in your
little plan! (Into a microphone) Superboy? Execute plan "B"....
(We see through the teen of steel's homing device Superboy fly
clear across the country to New Jersey...specifically....)
BRAIN: (Gasps) NO! Not the----
STEWIE: (V.O.) Yes, the big Saints-Jets game! The teams are
already at the stadium practicing...but it'd be a *shame* if something were to happen to
them, say....unable to get *out* of their locker rooms? (We see Superboy use his heat
vision to weld shut the locker room doors, and disable the locks so the teams can't get
out....we also see Superboy directed by Stewie to rip both goalposts out of the ground,
set them down, and carve into the field with heat vision a large drawing of Stewie's
BRAIN: (Faintly) *No.....*
STEWIE: Helpful, isn't he? Not to worry....we'll be sending him
back to his native decade soon enough....but not until I have enough footage of him in
action to create my own *army* of....SUPERBOY STOCK FOOTAGE CLONES! (Dum-dum-duuuuummmm)
(The heroes all gasp) Just think of it, Brain: a whole legion of superheroes at my
control...a legion of *angst-ridden adolescent Kryptonians* serving my every whim! All the
better to, dare I say it, let me easily rule the world? (Laughs) Oh, don't bother
congratulating me, Brain....you'll have your place in my administration....I could always
use a court jester...or someone to test cosmetics on! Oh, wait----you probably do that
*now* at your little lab, HA!
PINKY: Only that *one time* before those nice animal-rights
people came along, you mean baby you, NARF!
STEWIE: So, let's see: your puppy-kid friends are captured,
you've lost Thanksgiving, and you're going to lose the world. Gee, guess this really
*does* make you a....loser. (Snickers) Now if you'll excuse us, we'll be taking off for
the "Christmas Week" parade....and I *do* mean *all* of us. (Pan to see the sibs
and Joan Jett, still tied up, being carried by the suddenly-returned Superboy and the
members of Team Ninja.) If you wish to attempt another one of your feeble "Final
Confrontation" efforts at this festival, just *try*. We'll be *ready*...
(Superboy melts down a piece of steel with his heat vision) See you at my coronation,
*Brain*....from a *stockade*! (Laughs sinisterly, as does the rest of the villains and the
mind-controlled Superboy...however, the image soon cuts off, as we see a ticking carnation
hurled towards the screen, exploding in short order and demolishing the set. Pan over to
see Brain clutching his umbrella with rage...)
BILLIE: Eggy....don't let him get to you. We'll beat him like
before, even if it won't be easy, with the superpowered leverage they've got. OK?
BRAIN: (Calms down) Of course. (Angrily) So...who here is up for
a little game of "humiliate the baby at a Final Confrontation"? (All
cheer, as Brain and Billie pull out some carnation-explosives and put them on) Very
well...let's go see a *parade*....
PINKY: But what about the food? And the football game-thingy?
BRAIN: We'll worry about those later....right now, we've got to
stop a power-crazed infant poised to ruin Thanksgiving and take over the world with the
help of a mind-controlled Kryptonian teenager infused with the personality of a (makes a
wretching noise) WB teen drama actor. I can't think of anything more dangerous than *that*
right now, so I fear that there's no time to waste. Let's move!
(They all enter their seperate vehicles (Jackie's van, the
Flintstone car, Fonz's bike) and take off....cut to the van, where Brain and Slappy are
talking to each other.)
BRAIN: (Describing the story-to-date) It's been tough, and as
strenuous as our Christmas adventure.
SLAPPY: I've been trying to forget that flippin' thing for as
long as I can...along with all the other things we've done.
BRAIN: What time is it?
SLAPPY: (Glancing at her watch) It's...(Loud music is heard in
the background) almost time for that parade!
PINKY: No! We're too late!
BRAIN: Not until I say so...pull over. I see a costume store that
could help us.
(Fade to a few minutes later. The mice, Slappy, and the rest of
the guys are decked out in fancy Elton John-like costumes. Slappy looks irritated)
SLAPPY: Remind me to drop an anvil on you when this is finished.
BILLIE: Yeah, what are we doing again?
BRAIN: With these bright costumes and the mirrors I've attached,
we'll blind the villains and make a rush for the Warners and Ms. Jett.
AXEL: This is (bleep)ing stupid!
BRAIN: We'll sort it out at the end. Now, let's march.
(Cut to the Warners. The crudely-animated dreadlocks have been
attached to their heads...the sibs look completely humiliated as a result.)
WAKKO: Why, Lord, why these stupid dreadlocks?
YAKKO: Don't worry...just because we're in the dreadlocks doesn't
mean we can't get our message out.
STEWIE: (V.O) What message, you puppy (bleeps)?
DOT: WE'RE NOT PUPPIES!
YAKKO: (Fake and forced) Why, promoting Christmas and Pokemon,
our football-headed friend.
STEWIE: (V.O) Thank you...I think!
YAKKO: (Muttering) I feel so sleazy!
DOT: (Whispering) As long as he's fooled, it's okay.
YAKKO: Are you okay, Joan?
JOAN: No way. I can't believe I agreed to let that song be
covered by that synching strumpet. Now, I'm a prisoner and I don't know what they'll do
with me. I was just on the brink of a comeback, too. I thought that things would turn for
me again...then I'm kidnapped by a baby, a group of morons and the trollop who's covering
my song. I should not have come to California this year.
YAKKO: It'll be okay...things always are in the end...usually
after a violent and completely pointless Final Confrontation.
DOT: When will we get that?
JOAN: Whatever it is, I hope it comes soon.
ANNOUNCER: The Christmas Week parade will start in 5 minutes.
(Cut to Brain)
BRAIN: It's time...Thanksgiving, the Warners, the world and Lord
knows what else is in our hands.
FONZIE: How many times do I have to jump the shark? I look like
an idiot in this outfit.
BRAIN: I'm serious when I say it'll be okay.
FONZIE: It'd better be...I'm tired of looking stupid. If only I
hadn't done those stupid cartoons twenty years ago.... travellin' in some time machine
with some stupid-lookin' *dog*---(Bleep)! (Fonzie snaps his fingers in irritation. Objects
suddenly start lifting into the air)
FRED: Hey, do that again!
(Fonzie snaps again, and a car drops on a display saying "A
Very Pokemon Christmas---Airing Tonight...followed by A Very Yu-Gi-Oh Hanukkah!" A
few warped "Pika-pikas" sound off)
BRAIN: You know, Mr. Fonzarreli, I think we have a good new
weapon. Keep the rhythm!
(Commercials for money-wasting, all-plastic Christmas toy junk
play....then cut to the parade....we see the main float consists of a giant Pikachu
statue, with a sleigh sitting in front of it. Inside the sleigh, we see seated are Plotz
and Stewie; also on the float we see the Warners, wearing their dreadlocks and standing on
slightly elevated platform. Standing near the platform are Team Ninja, Igor, and Akom, all
of whom are wearing various Christmas-themed outfits over their usual clothes. We see
various corporate-themed floats for McDonald's, Enormo-Mart, Pokemon, various
supermarket chains, etc. All, save for the Warners, look quite pleased.)
PLOTZ: Splendid work, Griffin. The Warners are captured, and
there's nothing that will rain on my parade! How ever did you do it?
STEWIE: (With a candy cane in one hand) Oh, let's just say that I
had a little...super-help. (Laughs)
(Cut to a broadcast booth overlooking the street, as various
spectators are seen lining it. Since it's southern California, we also see various people
laying down fake snow to make it look more "Christmas-y". The announcer is none
FATHER TIME: The place....Burbank, California. The time:
2001---Thanksgiving Eve, to be exact. Welcome, viewers, to the first annual
"Christmas Week" parade. I'm Father Time, and I *truly* resent being roped into
doing this....lousy stupid contract obligations. (Clears throat) Anyway, this parade is
brought to you by various corporate sponsors, all of whom wish to remind you to buy, buy,
*buy*, to "keep America rolling" and fuel the economy. Remember: if you don't
buy worthless junk and go into debt, the economy will fall flatter than an elephant
sitting on a pancake. And *now*, here's our grand marshall float, headline by Mr. Plotz
himself, and....those singing Poke-promoters, the *WARNERS*!
(Music starts up---namely, cheap-sounding Christmas music with a
reggae beat mixed in. Igor aims his energy blasts at close proximity to the Warners' rear
ends, and the sibs against their will begin singing and dancing in place....)
WARNERS: (Glumly singing and dancing-in-place) POKE-MON! IT'S ON
EIGHT TIMES EVERY DAAAAY, MON! POKE-MON.....IT'S ON EIGHT TIMES EVERY DAY, MON!
PLOTZ: Wonderful.....our ratings will skyrocket!
WARNERS: (Giving a glance at each other, and winking; they begin
singing to the tune of the song "Under the Sea"):
Buy lots of food, don't delay,
Ask your grocers to push this holiday,
Families and food, we do implore,
There is no need for us to ignore,
Football and turkey, piled on galore,
Save your shopping for the next Friday, for---
(The audience begins applauding...)
PLOTZ: (Irate) WHAT?! (Growls; to the minions) Get those Warners
back in line, or *else*!
DOT: We're singing to the tune of a D*sney song? Thought this
couldn't get any worse....
YAKKO: It was this or an N'Sync number.
DOT: Like I said, carry on....
WARNERS: (Singing a few more verses)
Plotz and Stewie, they'd rather you
Spend time on junk that won't please you, (the sibs dodge a few energy blasts from Igor
You all know, deep in your hearts
Family's important, and football rocks,
So you all know what you should do,
Eat lots of turkey, and then hit the tube,
On Thanks-gi-viiiing....Thanks-gi-viiiing..... YEAH!
(The crowd cheers some more, just as Team Ninja arrive on the
platform to prod the siblings back into order....)
JOAN JETT: (Who's merely been silent this time) Um, nice song,
guys. Now what?
YAKKO: (Points to the audience) Now, we let Brain do his
stuff....good thing I set my phone to "vibrate" or those goons'd get his call.
(into his cell phone) HIT IT!
(We soon see bright lights shine on the main float, blinding Team
Ninja and the hired goons...*almost* all of them, anyway. Griffino, being a robot,
automatically places a pair of sunglasses on him, and presses forward....)
WAKKO: It's working! (Sees Griffino) Um, almost. What now, guys?
YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, I favor....we run. (The Warners jump up and kiss
Griffino, who sputters in disgust. The sibs and Joan Jett bolt for the source of the
bright lights....namely, the other heroes, who're standing in an alleyway near an array of
Christmas-colored searchlights in their shiny, reflective clothes.)
BRAIN: That's enough, guys. (Fred and Barney shut down the search
lights, and all tear off their costumes).
BILLIE: (Tearing off her shiny clothes, exposing her
"Avengers" clothes one more) Now what, Eggy?
BRAIN: (Tears off his clothes revealing his "Avengers"
clothes) *Now*, it's time for...the Final Confrontation. (All nod in agreement, and
proceed to walk out into the street in front of Plotz and Stewie's float, stopping the
parade procession in its tracks.)
STEWIE: What's the meaning of this?! (Sees Brain) Ah, *Brain*.
How good of you to arrive. (Snaps his fingers, and we see Team Ninja, Akom, Igor, Britney
Spears, and her Bodyguard surround Stewie...) We wouldn't want you to be late for your
funeral, now, would we? (Chuckles) This shouldn't take long, Mr. Plotz.
PLOTZ: It'd *better* not...
STEWIE: Well, you heard the man....no time to waste. Let's get
this Final Confrontation started, shall we?
DOT: (Sighs) Just think...someone looking back on this story will
think of it as the holiday story with demons, hyperintelligent infants, and people
constantly being hospitalized....and now, once again, the obligatory Final
Confrontation. Let's get going...
JOAN JETT: Fine with me.... (glares at Britney) The no-talented
twit is *MINE*! (Screams loudly, and leaps towards Britney, tackling her...we hear the two
slug it out off-screen)
FRED: Erm, you guys go ahead. Barn and I will catch up....
BARNEY: Fred, what're you talking about?
FRED: We gotta fix the food situation for those guys, Barn. And I
know who to ask for a bit of help.... (whips out a "cellular bone", a bone with
phone buttons on it and a stick sticking out of the top as an antenna; Fred dials) Hello?
Bedrock Butcher Shop? We er, have a *really* big rush order....
(Cut to the Final Confrontation itself...the villains and
the heroes have all paired off against each other...cut to Fonzie, who with Axel are
facing Hok Fu....the cheesy fight music from "Pokemon"'s Team Rocket battles
AXEL: (BLEEP)! How're we gonna stop this crazy (bleep)er?! He put
us all in the hospital last time, remember?
HOK FU: (Leaping towards the two, screaming) HOG SLINGS MUD AT
AXEL: (Bleep) you, man! I only voted for *8* boosts in military
spending... (Screams, and ducks Hok Fu's flying attack. Hok Fu quickly gets back up,
FONZ: Hmm....wish that I'd never even thought of that stupid old
cartoon show of ours....but as long as we're assumin' the Fonz is capable of doin' a
*lot*----which, of course, I *am*.....here goes. (Fonz snaps his fingers, and we see a
giant Squirtle statue standing on a pillar over head all-but-magically slide off its
pillar, and falls straight down towards Hok....Axel and Fonzie stand back. Hok Fu looks
up, only to see Squirtle's feet heading straight toward him, with various
"Squirtle-Squirtle" utterances heard from the statue. A loud CRUNCH sound is
heard, followed by seeing the statue roll off to its side....Hok's down for the count.)
SLAPPY: Yo, guys...throw 'im back on the float... I got a special
surprise planned! Try to cut off *my* Thanksgiving-day marathon of old war movies for some
flippin' parade-thingamajig, will they.... (Fonz and Axel toss the unconscious Hok Fu onto
the float....zip pan to Father Time.)
FATHER TIME: Yes viewers, hard to believe, but a Final
Confrontation has broken out in the parade.....and quite frankly folks, it's far
more interesting than the parade itself. (Slyly to his co-anchor) $5 on the goon squad
gettin' blown from here to Saint Louis....
LOUD KIDDINGTON: (His co-anchor) $10 on bein' blown back to New
FATHER TIME: You're on!
(Cut back to the fight....we see Jackie and Tohru facing off
against Chandu's demonic second cousins, Akom and Igor....they both look quite irate.)
AKOM: Ah....the man who professes to be a challenge for my
demonic second cousin, Chandu. Prepare to face the full wrath of our combined demonic
fury! (His eyes begin to glow)
JACKIE: Um....uh..... (to Tohru) Any idea how to stop these guys?
JACKIE: Wonderful. (An energy blast hits Jackie's feet, barely
missing him.) If only Uncle were here.... (an energy blast knocks Jackie down; while
semi-conscious, he has a vision before him of Uncle's floating head)
UNCLE'S HEAD: Jackie...you must defeat these two demons.
JACKIE: I know.
UNCLE'S HEAD: One more thing....remember to use the magic you
have at hand.
JACKIE: The...turkey talisman? Of course!
UNCLE'S HEAD: (Sounding shrill) *One more thing*....why did you
let Hok Fu put you in the hospital like that?!? Do you know what your medical bills are
going to run you?!?
JACKIE: (Shakes his head, dispersing the image of Uncle's head,
and gets back up; to the demons) Hi, demons....got something for you....
AKOM: What could *you* have that we'd want, pathetic mortal?
JACKIE: Oh, *this*. (Holds up the talisman)
IGOR: Look...the turkey talisman. Brother, with it, we could
pervert it with our dark energies and use it on our store and restaurant merchandise!
Think of the wholesale savings...
AKOM: Moreso than what we'll get by laying off a third of our
workers come December 26th?
IGOR: That and cutting their salaries *by* a third starting two
weeks before Christmas.
AKOM: Sounds like a plan to me, brother. Let's get it.... (they
both proceed to walk towards Jackie, but Jackie fires the talisman at something above the
two---a giant candy cane statue hanging overhead. The beam converts it into a turkey
statue, before bouncing off and hitting checks in the two demons' pockets. They look at
their shirts wondering what happened, before whipping out the checks to look at them)
IGOR: (In complete shock) Brother....that Chan. He's....he's
converted our early, plush, and skimmed-off-our-workers'-paychecks' Christmas bonuses
into---*standard day-off-for-Thanksgiving pay*....or *non-pay*, as the case may be!!!
(Points to a giant "$0" figure in the "BONUS" section of their
BOTH DEMONS: NOOOOOOO!!! (The two pass out from the shock)
JACKIE: (Blows on the talisman) Turkey...in the straw. (Tohru
stares at him) Sorry...couldn't think of a closing wisecrack that involved the word
"turkey". (Tohru sighs, before dragging the unconscious demons onto the
(Cut to the Warners, who're facing down the remaining members of
"Team Ninja", Mikey Sheryl and Griffino....)
YAKKO: Oooh, check it out, guys. They've gone from being generic
ninja-thugs to Pokemon ripoffs of characters that ripped off Boris and Natasha's schtick.
How low can one's career sink?
MIKEY: Hey! "Team Ninja" is nothing to sneeze at. Or
need I remind you of who kidnapped you all those times?
DOT: All those times? Not exactly guaranteed work there...then
again, I guess Plotzie isn't one to splurge or anything on *quality* minion-help.
SHERYL: Oh, shut up! Now we'll see who has the last laugh,
twerps! (Points to Griffino) Griffino---I choose *YOU*! GO! (Griffino leaps forward with
typical Poke-attack sequence effects, as the Poke-fight music continues to play)
DOT: What'll we do?
WAKKO: Oooh, ooh, can I do something, huh, huh?
YAKKO: Erm, sure, Wakko.
(Wakko whips out from his shirt a giant tennis racket, and sets
it up for Griffino to bounce off of.)
DOT: Brain says they've already stopped Griffino by doing this.
It'd have to be pretty stupid to fall for the same trick *twice*.
(Indeed, Griffino doesn't....he blasts a hole through the net)
DOT: Guess he *isn't* as dumb as he looks.
(Indeed, Griffino passes through the hole, plowing on towards the
WAKKO: Um....I know!
DOT: If it's that "two places at once" bit, you can---
WAKKO: Noooo....um, *this*!
(Wakko orders the sibs to duck, as the robot grazes over head.
Griffino lands, and takes off again....however, he doesn't get too far off the ground.
Something's stuck to his foot....namely, a piece of a candy cane wrapper. Said piece is
attached to other pieces as part of a rope tied to something off-screen.)
WAKKO: See? Those things *never* come off your hands or body
(Griffino struggles to get the wrapper off his foot, but can't.
The robot turns a hand into a buzzsaw, and attempts to saw it off, but the saw winds up
breaking. Finally, he gives his foot a good yank...which finally undoes the wrapper, but
results in the sound of something falling. Griffino looks up and emits a feeble chirp, as
he's soon smashed by a giant anvil. He's down for the count....)
DOT: Congratulations, young man, for *not* resorting to hackneyed
old gags. Well, not counting the anvil. Or the near-mention of the "two places at
once" bit. Or....
YAKKO: Aaahhhh, I think we get the point, Dot.
(As the sibs drag Griffino to the float, we see the final
showdown: Stewie vs. the lab mice.)
BRAIN: (Fingers his carnation; whispers to the others) This
should be a cinch..... (to Stewie) Give it up, Stewie. It's over.
STEWIE: I think not.
BRAIN: I'd say so....very, ahem, *explosively*. (Chuckles, as he
tosses the carnation at Stewie. It lands on the ground in front of the baby, not
STEWIE: Oh, that's right, you've forgotten one thing....
(Whistles; a blurring figure enters the scene, and grabs the mice.) Had a little remote
help in disabling the explosive detonator in that carnation of yours thanks to the heat-
and x-ray vision of....
MICE: (Gasp) SUPERBOY?!
STEWIE: Yes, that'd be it. He isn't going to be as easy to defeat
as the rest of my help, now *will* he? (Laughs) Kal-El, please destroy them.
SUPERBOY: (Still angst-ridden; begins very slowly crushing the
mice) I remember you guys! You never came to visit me after we met each other for that
space...shuttle....sabotage, uh, thing!* And I'm *lonely*! Nobody likes me! AAAHH! (* - that
"thing" happening back when the mice and Superboy met in "Brain's Mission
For President Reagan" ---Brainatra)
BILLIE: (Constricted) He's...acting like his
"Smallville" counterpart, all right! Moody....sullen....immature-acting...
PINKY: (Constricted) Um, so nothing like....a real
BRAIN: (Constricted) Unhh....too bad....no...kryptonite.....
PINKY: (Constricted) Or...jelly beans....narf....
BILLIE: (Constricted) Have...plan.....S-Superboy!
SUPERBOY: (Angsty, slightly loosening his grip) What do *you*
want? You mean little person, you. (Pouts)
BILLIE: (Breathes a bit in relief) Look....we know being a
teenager is tough. We all had to face our adolescent challenges. But you can't let that
get to you. You're the world's greatest hero! You set an example for teens everywhere by
*not* acting all angst-ridden and tormented!
SUPERBOY: (Pouts) You're just sayin' that to make me feel
BILLIE: No, I mean it. Now, would the Superboy *we* know want to
STEWIE: (Irate) YES! YES, HE WOULD! DON'T LISTEN TO THESE
SUPERBOY: Um...uh....but he says....
BILLIE: Please....forget him! You shouldn't go around letting
what other people think dominate you like that. (Adjusting her Mary Tyler Moore-hairdo)
Now then, am I right?
SUPERBOY: (Looks a bit saddened) Um...I guess so.
BILLIE: I thought so. Now, why don't you put us down, and help us
stop the *real* bad guys, here? (Supes does so)
STEWIE: NO! YOU KRYPTONIAN CLOD! I *ORDER* YOU TO DECIMATE THESE
THREE! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?
SUPERBOY: I...uh..... (grips the sides of his head) AAARGH!
BILLIE: I hope it works....Superboy's enhanced intellect allowing
himself to be freed from the likes of Stewie's probably-bargain-basement mind control...
STEWIE: I'll have you know it required *two* box tops from my
breakfast cereal, thank you very *much*....
SUPERBOY: AAARGH....ACK...APTHPH..... (Writhes in agony, with
dramatic music playing, as he continues making "Bill the Cat"-esque noises;
Stewie frantically tries to regain control over Superboy. Finally, Kal-El stops writhing,
and stands back up, with a trumpet fanfare playing.)
SUPERBOY: (Sounding normal) All right....time to take out a
futuristic Thanksgiving hijacking!
PINKY: All right! Superboy's back to normal! Or as normal as a
superpowered teenager gets, NARF!
SUPERBOY: Right, Pinky.....but now, I'll have to----eh? (Sees
Stewie inside the sleigh with Plotz)
STEWIE: You'll never catch me! (Superboy tries to approach the
sleigh, but is warded off by a piece of kryptonite strapped underneath it) I was prepared
for *all* possibilities....and I won't be thwarted! (Holds up his videotape of Superboy's
activities) Once I get back to my lab, I'll turn *this* into my clone army! (Stewie's
pleased look fades, as we see Superboy's heat vision fry the tape; Stewie looks angry)
BLAST IT ALL TO BLOODY (BLEEP)!
BRAIN: Superboy, try to see if he's....(mutters something so low
that only Superboy's super-hearing can pick it up)
SUPERBOY: Right. (Scans Stewie with his x-ray vision, and seeing
something, fries his front overall pocket, revealing another now-ruined videotape)
BRAIN: Figures he'd try making a duplicate copy. The low-life
STEWIE: Ah, but the worm shall now *turn*. (Presses a button on
the console, and we see the sleigh tip itself skyward.) None of you will capture me! (We
see rocket engines on the back of the sleigh lift it off into orbit....)
SUPERBOY: I can...
BILLIE: No, Superboy---you go undo all the damage Stewie forced
you to do. We can take care of Stewie.
SUPERBOY: Well, if you insist. (Takes off skyward for the various
food facilities/the Saints-Jets game stadium)
YAKKO: Aaaaah....who wants to stop 'im?
AXEL: Let me! Let me!
YAKKO: Um, sure, why not?
(Axel yanks the turkey talisman out of Jackie's hand, and aims it
at the flying sleigh....the talisman turns the sleigh into a giant ordinary cart, filled
with fake Thanksgiving corns-on-the-cob door decorations. Stewie and Plotz quickly plummet
to Earth, crashing into the float.)
AXEL: Take *that*, you (bleep)ers!
(We see nearby on the same float Britney Spears and Joan Jett are
at their final blows....)
BRITNEY: OK, you....bet you never learned *this* move!
(Whips out a "Bob Dole for '96" letter-opener, and
leaps Joan; she holds the opener to Joan's throat)
JOAN: Please....you're such an amateur. Give it up.
BRITNEY: What for? I'm younger, richer, and way more popular with
slobbering teenage *and* elderly guys everywhere than *you* are!
JOAN: (Grunting to break free) Maybe so, but frankly, Miss
Spears, I find all those factors to be....very..... *irrelevant*! (Breaks free) It's the
music that counts, baby...*not* looking like, well....whatever *you* are.
BRITNEY: OK, that's it....you're gonna get it now, missy!
JOAN: Doubt it. (Hands Britney a carnation)
BRITNEY: Huh? What's this? (Hears the carnation ticking; it soon
explodes, knocking the Pepsi-pushing "singer" out and flinging her into the
huge, half-dazed pile of defeated baddies...)
JOAN: Thanks for the assist, Brain.
BRAIN: And now, for the coup d'grace....Slappy?
SLAPPY: With pleasure. Stand back, everybody....
(They all do so....Slappy hits a detonator attached to the giant
Pikachu doll on stage; a cheesy cutaway reveals it's stuffed with electrical generators
and dynamite. The charge shocks everyone on stage....)
STEWIE: (While being shocked) I'm getting too old for this....
(The shock finishes, as the dynamite explodes, sending the entire
float soaring skyward, along with the cast of villains.....)
MIKEY: Didn't see this coming, did you?
SHERYL: Actually, I did. (Sighs) Just say the line....
MIKEY: Oh, right... (sighs)
MIKEY & SHERYL: TEAM NINJA'S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAIIINNNN!
STEWIE: (Yelling downward) CURSE YOU, BRAIN! BUT I'LL BE BACK!
I'LL BEEE BAAAAAAAAA----* (Is cut off as they vanish over the horizon. Down on the ground,
the heroes all cheer.)
FRED: (Laughing) Heh....heh...heh. Way to go, kids. And you three
short guys especially.
BRAIN: Well, I couldn't have done it alone....
PINKY: Egad, Billie....you did great! The way you treated
Superboy all lovingly...you'd make a *great* mother!
BILLIE: (Slyly) *Really*?
BRAIN: (Annoyed, holding his derby hat with one hand) *Ahem*. I'm
sure Pinky appreciated your talents, Billie, as did I. Now, to encourage the crowd at this
parade and watching on television at home to tune into tomorrow's football game and to
YAKKO: No problemo...leave that to Ms. Jett and us! (Takes off
the fake dreadlocks, as does his sibs; the Warner sibs then do a little softshoe, dressed
in pilgrim clothes, and sing a ditty to the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy", with
JOAN on electric guitar:)
WARNERS: (Singing) I've got buckles on my shoes,
My clothes are grey and still grim.
I've got a hat as high as that,
I call myself a Pilgrim!
BRAIN (watching the number): Rather fourth-grade...still, taking
the mentality of the turkey-addled masses into account, it may be rather effective.
(pauses) I'm torn as to whether that's a bad or good thing.
BILLIE: Careful, Eggy. You know how often you fail because you
underestimate the masses' intelligence.
PINKY: Got you there, Brain. Poit!
BRAIN: True...yet conversely, I fail equally as often because I overestimate
the mass' mental acumen.
BILLIE: Wow....you're right. I've got to get to work drafting
some sort of algebraic equation to represent all possible outcomes and factors influencing
(Cut back to the "stage" where a pantomime is
occurring. The WARNERS, wearing football helmets made of hollowed-out pumpkin shells, kick
and pass a turkey about as if a football. The background music is "Freddy the
Freshman". YAKKO tosses it to FRED, who goes on tiptoe, assuming his bowling stance,
then bowls the turkey to BARNEY. BARNEY takes it in the belly and gets knocked down. FONZ
intercepts, holds in in one hand, and snaps his fingers with the other. Like magic it
vanishes, and appears in SLAPPY'S hands. She stuffs the bird with TNT and tosses it to
JACKIE, who looks scared of it, plays a quick game of hot potato with AXEL and FONZ, then
drops on his back and kicks it into the air. It blows up, spelling in lights WATCH T-DAY
(Cut to UNCLE's shop, interior. Background music is
"Chopsticks", which fades into the strings/windchimes used on the show's
soundtrack. UNCLE is facing a shelf, counting some old pieces of pottery and making notes
on a clipboard. TOHRU is seated on a chair by the counter, sipping tea from a teacup,
which is so tiny he has to pinch it between thumb and forefinger. JADE is lackadaisically
cleaning some artifact in the foreground, but her attention is trained on the TV. When she
hears something explode onscreen, she drops her feather duster and runs to the set,
grinning broadly....the exploding object apparently some part of the Warners' Thanksgiving
JADE (excited): Holy (bleep)! Did you get a load of that
(UNCLE is so shocked his hand jerks and knocks a small pot to the
floor, shattering it. TOHRU's eyes widen mid-sip.)
UNCLE (furious): Ja-aaa-aaa-aade! Such potty talk from a young
mouth! You get that from your mother. (Shakes his head) Tohru! Take her into the bathroom
and wash her mouth out with soap!
(TOHRU obliges, tucking the tiny child under one arm and heading
for the rear of the shop. JADE struggles and mutters inarticulate protests.)
TOHRU: She reminds me of Mr. Foley, sensei--that Detroit officer
I told you about. Such anger I have never seen in one soul. I recommended he study the
martial arts and learn discipline, as it did wonders for me after I left Valmont's employ.
UNCLE: And did he appreciate the suggestion? What did he say?
TOHRU (uncomfortable): I...don't wish to repeat it.
UNCLE (indignant): Feh! This Western culture! All its favorite
words have four letters or less! Not good for an impressionable girl! (sighs) One more
thing. We are buying a TV with one of those new-fangled V-chips in it to censor all the
naughty channels! Nothing but Big Bird and Mr. Rogers and Nick Jr. for *Jade*!
JADE: Awwwwwwww, (bleep)! (catches self, looks shocked, claps
hand over mouth. TOHRU exits, still carrying her. Pan to UNCLE, smiling and winking at
(Cut to an overhead pan of the desolate parade street at sunset,
littered with paper, dark smoke billowing through the air, a fire hydrant geysering water
in the distance, and a siren audible. The opening guitar chords and first few lines of
Dylan's "Desolation Row" play on the soundtrack. Pan in closer. YAKKO is talking
to FRED near the remains of a float.)
YAKKO: So where was Pebbles in that "On the Rocks"
thing? Is she still with Bamm-Bamm, and if not--(clicks teeth lustfully)--can you give me
her phone number?
FRED: Listen, bub, I thought we got all that question stuff out
of your system back in act one. But, eh--(lowers voice)--in answer to that one
question...uh...Tarpit #5 dye. Been touchin' up my temples since Rockson went down during
YAKKo: And Barney-boy?
FRED (chuckles): Cheap rug.
BARNEY (overhearing): Hey! This ain't a cheap rug! (points to
head) I'll have you know I paid over 200 mammoth skins for this baby!
(YAKKO and FRED share a good laugh.)
(Pan over to DOT and JACKIE. DOT is looking amorously at him,
though he's absorbed in the turkey talisman.)
JACKIE: I must get this rock back to Section 13. (pauses) Or at
least to the WB prop closet.
DOT: So...are you and that Viper girl serious? If
not...well...(falls into JACKIE's arms)...I'm not the innocent lass I look to be, Mr. Rush
Hour...and I'd make a great aunt for that troublesome niece of yours.
JACKIE (flustered): I--no--but that is--um--Viper and I are just
friends. I mean, coworkers. Casual acquaintances. I don't even know her real name. And I
don't date--I mean, work with--thieves.
DOT: Ex-thief, honey.
WAKKO: Though I think she did steal something--your heart.
(The WARNER SIBS make smooching noises; JACKIE flushes and turns
away, trying to vanish into the pavement.)
(Pan to SLAPPY and JOAN JETT a bit further down at the end of the
JOAN: Some fight, eh Slap?
SLAPPY: Eh. A couple of Team Rocket wannabes throwing bricks
wrapped in chicken wire, a baby with a noggin like a casaba melon, a couple of cut-rate
demons, some flippin' bucket of bolts that *looks* like that melon-headed brat, and a big
mug whose name sounds like the noise I make spitting a loogie. Bah. These days any
sissy-Mary who had a lousy childhood or got cut off in traffic or ate a bad kreplach can
call himself a bad guy. In my day we had *real* villains--like in my 1940 cartoon,
"Sour Krauts". I dressed up as a shoeshine boy and wiped nitroglycerine-laced
polish on the shoes of Schicklegruber, Hirohito, and Mussolini in a bunker...then I
disguised myself as an oompah bandleader and got them to do a polka so their shoes'd hit
the floor and blow up. (chuckles) Wanna watch? (whips out an old-fashioned two-reel film
JOAN (visibly revulsed yet trying to be polite): Umm...no thanks.
I'll wait for it to be released on the new Looney Tunes DVD.
(Cut to interior of Warners soundstage, where CHANDU, PLOTZ, and
LYDIA sit around a semidarkened Jackie Chan Adventures set. The background music is
a slow-tempo "Shuffle Off to Buffalo".)
CHANDU: So my fleabrained relatives failed, I take it?
LYDIA: Yes, I'm afraid so. The Warners and Mr. Chan are quite
resourceful on their own--put them together and it's like mayonnaise meeting cheese.
(noting how smug PLOTZ looks) Sir, you don't seem concerned that everything's kerflooie.
PLOTZ: Eh. Perhaps. But I'm a pragmatist. There's many obscure
and untapped holidays out there. I'm considering an Arbor Day Parade for 2002! (stands;
spreads arms wide, voice becomes louder and more excited) I can see it now--every plant
Pokemon I can lay my hands on as marshals. Captain Planet and Poison Ivy riding the head
car. 24-hour marathons of environmentally-friendly episodes of every cartoon in our
archives, from The Planeteeers to Max Steel in the rainforest to having R.L. Stine hammer
out a new Nightmare Room script with giant monster flesh-eating trees! What do you
think? (is drooling a bit; looks hopeful)
LYDIA (again, visibly revulsed yet trying to be polite):
Ahh...sir, there...are no words.
CHANDU: So, Ms. Karaoke--care to accompany me to Impetago's this
evening, say seven-thirty? Though my demon form is infinitely more powerful, this stone
number is much better for getting a good table, especially on a busy night.
LYDIA (revulsed yet polite): No, thank you. I have a date this
CHANDU (sulky, sotto voce): It's just as well. I'd be
afraid to kiss you with those cheekbones. Yours are more chiseled than mine.
LYDIA (wary): Eh?
CHANDU (quickly): Oh...nothing.
(Cut back to the street. BRAIN looks at the skywriting overhead
and appears pleased. An instrumental P&B theme plays.)
BRAIN: If not the most subtle of messages...it appears to be
getting the proletariat's attention. The world will be in my pocket by Friday morning.
(Cut back to the Warners and Joan. A hard-rock version of the
"Mary Tyler Moore" theme song starts playing, while the crowd is cheering)
JOAN: (Speaking) I'd like to dedicate this to Dot Warner and the
rest of her friends, whom I helped save Thanksgiving with! (Singing, as she furiously goes
at the guitar while her band rocks hard:)
Who can turn the stove on with her smile?
Who can take a bubble bath and suddenly fill it with crocodiles?
'Cause it's you, Dot, and you should know it
Put nitro on a bridge; go ahead and blow it.
Mud is all around; I guess it's spring
Name another crooner, other than Bing
Don't throw your hat up in the air
'Cause what might land is a Frigidaire.
(Cut to the Warners.)
YAKKO: Great concert, huh?
DOT: Oh, I'll say!
(Cut to the Brain, talking with Wendy on a telephone, via
split-screen outside the arena)
BRAIN: So Peter and Stewie are going to prison?
WENDY: Yes, 140 people, including me, filed a class action
lawsuit against Petey-boy! He's going to jail for five years! The baby will be out in one,
or at least until your next adventure.
BRAIN: I guess that's good news...except for the
WENDY: But it gets better...I'm finally moving to South Carolina,
to be the head anchor of a news program there!
BRAIN: Congratulations. I'll have to visit you there, once I take
over the world...
WENDY: Feel free to! I'll wire you my new phone number and
address, so you can come visit me!
WENDY: Well, I'll see you soon, I hope!
(Brain gets off the phone, and walks over to Billie and
Pinky...the "Avengers"-ish PatB theme music starts up once more)
BRAIN: (Sweeping his derby hat) Well, Ms. Billie, Pinky...another
adventure is complete.
BILLIE: (Touching up her "groovy" sixties hairdo
slightly) Yeah...so it is....now can we ditch the retro-British duds? Don't have a desire
to become another Uma Thurman...
BRAIN: Of course....but first, I thought we'd go out to a
celebratory pre-Thanksgiving/pre-global conquest meal.
PINKY: Oooh, great idea, Brain! NARF!
BILLIE: (Grabs Pinky's arm) I agree, Eggy...I'm starved!
BRAIN: (Hands Billie a (non-explosive) carnation) Wonderful. I
know of the perfect place....
BILLIE: (Takes the carnation and pins it to Pinky's ear) You
mean, the Olive Gardener we passed on the way here?
BRAIN: (Taps his hat with the curved part of his umbrella) Yes.
As good a place as any to celebrate disposing of that brat once again---and it won't
involve plastic children's meal toys. Come...let us be off! (The theme music strikes its
closing chords, as the mice walk off, Pinky fingering his carnation and laughing....)
(We cut to Brooklyn. Mikey and Sheryl are back in their
apartment, with Sheryl back in her Madonna look-alike clothing. Griffino and Hok Fu are
lounging on their couch, watching the Thanksgiving celebration on TV...all seem to have
recovered from being blown to kingdom come.)
SHERYL: (Sighing) So much for "Team Ninja"!
MIKEY: No payment, no respect, no nothing! What a stupid
(bleep)ing idea that was!
SHERYL: Well, there's always tomorrow night!
MIKEY: What are we gonna do tomorrow night?
SHERYL: Same thing we do every night...French-kiss and shout at
P&tB CHORUS SINGERS: They're Mikey and Sheryl and they're
jerks, jerks, jerks, jerks, jerks!
SHERYL and MIKEY: Shut the (bleep) up...we've still got bricks!
(Commercials encouraging living-from-paycheck-to-paycheck
Americans to go even further into debt than they already are to "keep America
rolling" play....then, cut to the city of Detroit, on Thanksgiving Day. We see Axel's
apartment, which is now decorated thoroughly for Thanksgiving: turkey decorations, etc.
etc. are seen. We see in the dining area a large table set up, and in the kitchen, the
smells of food being prepared....in the living room, in front of a big-screen TV set, we
see playing the traditional Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. We also see, sitting in front
of the set on various couches, are: the Warners, Axel's "Krump"-esque family,
Jackie, Tohru, Uncle, Jade, Slappy, Skippy, Joan Jett, Fred, Barney (with Betty), Fonzie,
Superboy, Pinky, and Billie. Missing from this large group gathering are Axel and the
(Cutting to the kitchen, we see Axel's there, along with Wilma
AXEL: (Looking in the oven) I dunno about this, Wilma....I mean,
I appreciate Fred orderin' that food for my dinner, and Superboy *did* manage to unthaw
all the frozen Thanksgiving food for Los Angeles, but---
WILMA: (Waves her hands) Oh, don't worry about a *thing*....with
my cooking skills, this meal will be one you all won't forget. (Calls out) Fred?
FRED: Yeah, honey?
WILMA: Did you remember to have those gravelberry pies shipped to
FRED: Oh, yeah, sure.... (watches a float, laughs) Heh, heh,
heh...Bullwinkle's antlers sprung a leak.
(We hear a knock on the door, and Axel answers it. We see someone
in Flintstones-esque clothes walk in, carrying eight enormous pies. Everyone's jaws drops
at this sight.)
FRED: See? Wilma was right---between this and the turkeysaurus
cookin' in the oven, there'll be enough leftovers to last us through...
BARNEY: (Eying Fred licking his lips, along with Axel's family
and Wakko doing the same) ....the post-game show tonight? (Chuckles)
BILLIE: (Laughs, as does Pinky) Yeah....guess so....
(We suddenly see Brain walk into the apartment, looking extremely
PINKY: Egad....is something wrong, Brain?
BRAIN: (Saddened) Yes, Pinky....once again, my dreams of world
conquest have been undermined.
PINKY: (Frowns) It's not that naughty baby again, is it?
BRAIN: *No*.... it seems that after Superboy freed the players
from the stadium locker rooms and repaired the football field, the players got a glimpse
of the Thanksgiving performance the Warners and Ms. Jett put on in Burbank yesterday. They
were so enamorated of it, that they all decided to call the game off to go home to their
PINKY: Awww.....that's so *sweet*!
BRAIN: (Kicks a small bottlecap on the floor)
Please.....Thanksgiving was supposed to be about my conquest of humanity for the benefit
of all, *not* to spend time with *family*!
BILLIE: Oh, Eggy....now you *know* that no matter what happens,
we'll be here for you. Right, guys? (Everyone nods in agreement, even Slappy begrudgingly)
BRAIN: That still doesn't make me feel better. What good is not
having the respect of a mass...group....of...people? (Looks over the other guys in the
room) Well...I suppose you may have a point.
BILLIE: See? What'd I tell ya? And to prove my point, look who we
*invited*.... (points to a group of people standing in the doorway)
BRAIN: (Expression looking even less eager) Oh, *no*....
BRAIN'S MOTHER: (Wearing her pensamphalavox(sp?) device) Brain!
Son, how are ya?
BRAIN'S FATHER: (Also wearing said device) Whatsa matter? Too
"grown up" to give your old man a hug?
BRAIN: Erm... uh, no. (Does so, extremely quickly)
BRAIN'S MOTHER: (Holds up a newspaper with grass clipping and
twigs sticking out of it) We brought some nuts and berries for the occasion, straight from
Florida....hope nobody minds.
BRAIN'S FATHER: I expect you to eat it all this time, too,
son.... remember last year's meal?
BRAIN: Indeed..... (looks behind his parents, to see....)
PINKY'S MUM: TROZ! We're here!
PINKY: (Excited) Mum? Dad?!? Sis?!? (Eyes Billie, the one who
apparently invited them; runs over) Oh, this is going to be the bestest Thanksgiving
PINKY'S DAD: Thanksgiving? Do we go around and give some thanks?
I don't think we brought any.
PINKY'S MUM: Well, I *did* bring some nice Yorkshire pudding!
Made it meself.... (pulls into the room a wagon full of the stuff) And some candy canes,
and caramel apples, and jelly beans, and---oh, yes, lots and lots of *pancakes*! (Points
to another wagon behind the previous one, loaded with pancakes) Hope I brought enough...
WAKKO: (Licks his lips) Mmmm....(whips out some syrup and butter
and approaches the wagon, but is stopped by Pinky and Brain's mothers standing in the way.
Wakko bends down, and they each hold onto one of his ears)
PINKY'S MUM: Now see here....we're waiting until the big
meal-thingy to eat these. I thought you looked hungry like a giant metal birdie!
BRAIN'S MOTHER: Yeah....and look at those hands! (Pinky's mum
"tsk, tsk"s) You go into the bathroom right now and wash up....
WAKKO: Awww..... (They sternly stare at him) Oh, *fine*! (Walks
off, looking upset)
BRAIN: (Sitting on the couch) Well, I suppose that ends my part
of this adventure...but what about the rest of you?
FONZ: Heeeeyyy, the Cunninghams have their Thanksgiving all set,
thanks to you! Thought I'd hang out here for awhile, though....and I had shipped her
*courtesy* of the Fonz, some authentic Arnold's burgers and fries for everyone! (Everyone
looks at him oddly, as Fonz points to various bags of the stuff on the dining room table)
Hey, don't laugh....it's *very* traditional food for Mr. Fonzarelli!
DOT: (Sitting in Fonz's lap) I'm not complaining.
JADE: (Annoyed) I am upset that I got locked in that closet and
didn't get to help the Jackinator on this way-awesome adventure... (Softens) But, well, it
will be nice to have an *authentic* Thanksgiving dinner, instead of just Chinese food....
UNCLE: *What* is wrong with Chinese?!? Very healthy....much
moreso than the usual fatty American diet! Fortunately, I brought some food of my
own....*Tohru*?! (Tohru walks in, carrying a huge pot of that Chinese noodle-based food we
always see them eat on "Jackie Chan")
JACKIE: I'm glad we could spend time with each other....and
*that* is what this holiday is all about. Moreso than world conquest or demon-creatures or
JADE: Awww, but they're so *cool*!
JADE: I know, I know....
JOAN JETT: I'm glad that you guys helped boost my career
again....there's talk of giving me some sort of special on TV, even. I was going to spend
today with some guys from New York I knew, but told them they could come here instead...
AXEL: (Muttering) That's it, just keep packin' em in here like
some (bleep) cattle....
(We see walking into the apartment are the Cher-loving restaurant
guys we saw earlier on in the story...they're carrying various cases of cheesecake and
PINKY: Yummy....*cheeese*-cake! (Seeing who's with the guys)
CHER: Hey, all....(sees Joan) Joan.... this looks like it's gonna
be the *best* Thanksgiving *ever*! (High-fives Joan) *Owww*!
SLAPPY: I'm just glad ...that I didn't have to get involved with
this story as much as usual. And aside from that football-headed brat, none of 'em seemed
worth usin' dynamite on. Now, I'm just gonna kick back and watch some gridiron action.
(Brain winces at the thought) Well, they are showin' like six or seven other games,
BRAIN: Six or *seven*?! (Slaps his face at the missed
opportunities for his plan) *oooohhh....*
SLAPPY: Oh, and I brought some walnut fig-dough surprise. Ya want
some, get it yourself 'cause I ain't playin' waitress for you guys.
SKIPPY: Aunt Slappy, that must be the nicest thing you've done
in....uh.... (counts on a calendar, until Slappy sternly stares at him, making him stop)
BRAIN: (Sees Superboy) You're still here....you've destroyed
Stewie's Burbank lab and that time machine he built, yes?
BRAIN: And you've fixed all the damage you've done while under
that infantile monster's control, yes?
BRAIN: And we agreed that once you used your superpowers to
return to your own era via breaking the time barrier by flying at light speed clockwise
around the Earth, you'd use super-self-hypnosis on yourself to erase all memory of your
trip here, so as not to disrupt the space-time continuum, correct?
SUPERBOY: Erm, yes....
BRAIN: So my question is: why are you still here?
SUPERBOY: Well, the truth is....after all that went down with
that strange football-shaped-head baby and those demons and that one singer who seems to
be 2001's version of Debbie Gibson, I, erm, kind of wanted something to eat. That, and
hang out with you guys some more... Oh, yeah, and I did bring something. Could you look
out the window? (They all go to the window, and we see Superboy is flying upwards,
carrying a giant strawberry-frosting cake) Baked this up myself as a surprise a little
earlier on today. Didn't count on all those guys bringing cheesecake, though.
CHER-LOVING GUY #1: Don't worry-----we'll manage.
CHER-LOVING GUY #2: Besides hitting the treadmill afterwards for
(looks the cake over), oh, about three weeks?
DOT: Some people actually have to *exercise* after eating enough
food to feed the entire state of Florida, Wakko.
WAKKO: Oh, yeah, exercise....what a funny word.
(Superboy enters the apartment, carrying half the cake)
SUPERBOY: Saw some individuals in a church homeless shelter ten
blocks away via super-vision. Thought I'd give them half the cake to go with the church's
Thanksgiving day meal for them....
AXEL'S MOTHER: You *are* thoughtful....
SUPERBOY: (Blushes) Thanks, Mrs. Foley...
AXEL'S MOTHER: *Axel*! Why can't you be more like him?!
AXEL: Well, for starters, I don't gain superpowers when exposed
to Earth's yellow (bleep)in' sun, *Ma*....
AXEL'S MOTHER: That's just an *excuse*!
AXEL: Aw, (bleep) it, ma, cut it *out*!
SUPERBOY: (Chuckling) Guess I'll have to see that "Nutty
Professor" movie Pinky told me about...after I check out that incredible-sounding
World Wide Web thing! Between that, portable digital assistants, MP3's, everyone carrying
cellular phones, the fall of the Soviet Union, and an entire cable network devoted to
cartoons, the world of 2001 sure is an amazing place... not as amazing as the Legion of
Superheroes' 30th century, but still, well, amazing....(remembers something) well,
*almost* totally amazing. A certain new-for-the-21st-century TV show with some
twentysomething guy trying to play some warped, angst-ridden and costumeless version of
BILLIE: Let's not go there, OK Superboy? (Superboy nods) Good.
AXEL'S MOTHER: (Looks over a large pile of food on the counter in
the kitchen) Let's see....I brought a huge pot of collard greens, three turkeys, six sweet
potato pies, five cases of Diet Coke, three pots of macaroni and cheese shells, four pans
of lasagna, eight dozen bread rolls....wonder if I should've brought somethin' for the
WILMA: (Eyes the oven) Looks like the turkeysaurus is about
done....(hears a ping noise from a timer) Wonderful! (Grabs a giant oven mitt, and we soon
see Wilma walk into the dining area carrying an enormous turkey, which makes everyone's
jaws drop once more....)
SLAPPY: Ooooh, haven't seen a turkey like *that* since
"Battlefield: Earth" came to the box office, heh, heh....
WILMA: (Sets the turkeysaurus down on the table) Dinner is ready,
everyone! Let's gather around! (Everyone does so, all of them excited; Fred is given a
fork and knife to do the carving)
FRED: (Laughs) Heh, heh, heh.....*happy Thanksgiving*, everybody!
OTHERS: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
(They all dig into the massive bounty of food, as the final
orchestra music strikes up---to the tune of the closing music of the end of the old
WAKKO: (Eyes a giant turkeysaurus leg placed on his plate with
glee) Now, *this* is a meal!
DOT: No foolin'....
YAKKO: Yeah....well, happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
(The final orchestra chords for this scene strike, as we fade
from Detroit to....the Quahog Maximum Security State Prison. Stewie has been placed in a
small cage resembling a crib, while Peter is in a cell with a racially and ethnically
mixed group of hard-bitten criminals. The background music is "Swamp" by Talking
PETER: Boy, this must be like D*sney World for all of you, eh
WHITE THUG: (Holding a knife to Peter) Shut the (bleep) up! You
don't talk (bleep) to a guy like me!
BLACK THUG: Yeah, man. I don't like racists! They put me in here
for life because I assaulted the local chapter of the Ku...Klux...Hey, boys, we have the
Klan leader right here!
PETER: What do you mean? Your time in the ghetto must have
blinded you! Care for some chitlins? (Inane laugh)
HISPANIC-GERMAN THUG: (With a mixed H-G accent) We're going to
have fun with you. We're gonna staple a picture of Hitler to your chest and Riverdance on
it! We'll put a gun to your (bleep)ing head and pull the trigger 'til it goes click!
ITALIAN-ASIAN THUG: It's gonna be your worst (bleep)ing
nightmare! It's all catching up to you now!
PETER: GAH! (Everyone in the cell starts beating him up. Cut to
STEWIE: Blast it all it to bloody (bleep)! I can't even get one
PRISON GUARD: Stewart Griffin...
PRISON GUARD: You've been freed! Apparently, we mistook you for
someone else. While your father stays, someone is here to pick you up!
STEWIE: Oh, goody!
(Cut to the outside of the prison. Stewie climbs into his
rescuer's car, and sees...)
STEWIE: Oh my God, it's you!
HANNIBAL LECTER: Yes! Thanks to some forged papers, I've managed
to spring you from your sordid confinement, *and* become your new legal guardian. Will you
require some assistance in taking over the world in the future?
STEWIE: Indeed I would, just so long as you don't prove to be as
incompetent as my previous assistants have been. How can you help?
HANNIBAL: I'll reveal how soon enough, but first....would you
like to go to California soon? I have a beef...no pun intended...to settle with the
Warners, and I think a visit from me would be a great Christmas present!
STEWIE: That would be wonderful!
HANNIBAL: You seem intelligent enough. How about I buy you your
first bottle of Chianti?
STEWIE: You're not serious, are you?
HANNIBAL: But of *course*, I am....
STEWIE: Oooh, this is so much better than being fed that
cow-udder-derived cereal-fodder by Peter and Lois... (points forward) *let's roll*! I've
got a score to settle with those rodents, and a *world* to conquer! (The two drive off, as
dramatic chords play....)
ANNOUNCER: And *finally*, that's the end, folks. Here's the fates
of our massive cast of characters:
THE WARNERS returned to their Water Tower from Axel's place, with
enough leftovers to last an average family for weeks. However, not being an average
*anything* by any means, with Wakko around, said leftovers lasted until the following
THE LAB MICE returned to ACME Labs in New York City, relieved at
the thought of Stewie being thrown in jail (thanks to Rhode Island's stringent new
"we're truly, honestly, *really*, seriously gettin' tough on crime here" laws
that lowered the tried-as-an-adult age limit to six months, thereby ensnaring Stewie).
However, upon hearing that he'd gotten out, Brain whapped his head against a test tube for
a few minutes, followed by some therapeutic A&S (aspirin and Spinatra records).
Meanwhile, Brain and Pinky's parents headed back to their respective homes following the
Thanksgiving feast, with Brain insisting that "he has much work to catch up on".
SLAPPY and SKIPPY returned to their treehouse home in Burbank,
eating leftovers brought back with them over the course of the days following
Thanksgiving, while awaiting a story with villains worthy of Slappy's time and ACME
AXEL FOLEY spent the following day cleaning up from the meal,
followed by soaking his feet in a warm tub of water after playing "Flintstone car
engine" for the past week. House majority leader Tom Daschle paid him a visit,
insisting that Axel explain how he could spend *that* much on hospital bills in such a
short period of time; Daschle, upon hearing the words "the Warners", quickly
retracted his complaints and increased Axel's coverage threefold. Meanwhile, AXEL'S FAMILY
took off for home, their appetite for once actually satiated thanks to Wilma's
colossial-sized prehistoric food portions.
JOAN JETT took off for home to party down with CHER and the
CHER-LOVING RESTAURANT GUYS, her career boosted by her participation in this story
("Well, at least *somebody*'s career actually didn't suffer by mere association with
this thing", noted Dot).
JACKIE, TOHRU, UNCLE and JADE took off for San Francisco, to rest
up until filming on the remaining batch of "Jackie Chan Adventures" episodes
begins. Uncle bought a new V-Chip containing TV set, much to Jade's dismay. Meanwhile,
CHANDU scored respectable ratings with his KWB stock-footage-promo weekend, pleasing
PLOTZ. Future plans include finishing production on the remaining JCA episodes and
attending his relatives' New Year's Eve party; he awaits hearing back from LYDIA KARAOKE
to see if she wishes to attend. His nephew SETH is expected to bring the drinks (courtesy
of the Enormo-Mart clearance aisle).
LISA (a.k.a. THE SORT-OF-A-MYSTERY WOMAN) has been banished to
fanfic character limbo, taking her ranks alongside all other unfinished fanfic
stories...however, she hopes to extract from Akom backpay for evil services rendered unto
Axel during the story.
SUPERBOY, thanks to his superpowers, returned to the 1980's and
erased his memory of the events of this story, and all the knowledge about the future that
he gained, for the sake of the space-time continuum. "Wish *we* could wipe out our
memories of this flippin' story", noted Slappy. Superboy did promise to leave in a
mental note to attend a Joan Jett concert once he returned to the Smallville of his time.
You'll see Superboy again whenever Brainatra gets another nostalgic twinge/brain-dead
time-travel-using idea, or DC either needs to renew his trademark, milk some more cash
from him, and/or if "Smallville" starts to crash-and-burn...don't miss it!
AKOM and IGOR returned to their respective businesses in
Milwaukee. Akom, in an attempt to make back the money he and Igor lost re: their Christmas
bonuses, is peddling tapes of the "Chain Store Mash" theme song with little fake
bows stuck to them. Sales are so far tepid.
THE FONZ returned to Milwaukee as well, deciding to use his
newfound finger-snapping prowess to....pick up chicks. Eventually, though, as soon as Fonz
realized how *uncool* that cartoon was (with that stupid time machine, "Mr.
Cool" the dog and all), the powers immediately vanished.
FRED and BARNEY returned to Bedrock, where they await their next
TV special or movie. Barney looked into the "Hair Club for Cavemen", while Fred
feigned off phone calls from Yakko begging for Pebbles' phone number and Wakko to see if
he can get any more of that oversized food.
BRITNEY SPEARS, after nursing her wounds from the pummeling by
Joan Jett/being blown to bits in the Final Confrontation, has resumed her
"music" career. You can catch the little sleazoid in a future
MIKEY and SHERYL, disappointed with "Team Ninja"'s lack
of success, disbanded the team, sending GRIFFINO the robot back to Quahog and HOK FU back
to Burbank to finish production on the JCA episodes.
AQUAMAN is gearing up for his appearance on the Cartoon Network
JLA series. He wants everyone to tune in so that we all know how cool he really is.
WENDY is enjoying her new job at a South Carolina television
station, and is striving to make the station's news the best it can be in the face of
competition from the other stations and reruns of "She's the Sheriff".
As for STEWIE, his whereabouts are currently unknown.....but, of
course, the little monster will probably be back in some future story, to Brain's dismay.
PETER, meanwhile, was sprung from the hoosegow by RUPERT MURDOCH, who needed him to help
with production advice on the latest tacky Fox reality special, "Who Wants to Marry
Some Accountant Making $50K a Year?"
(Final orchestra chords strike, signaling...)
(Credits roll, squeezed to the side of the screen to make room for promotions for "A
CHANDU CHRISTMAS WEEKEND" on Kids' WB, with lots of stock footage of Jackie getting
slapped around and Chandu (in Valmont-form) sitting at a desk a la David Letterman tapping
some index cards on the desk like Letterman does...)
Yakko, Pinky, Cher-Loving Restaurant Guy #2: Rob Paulsen
Wakko, Enormo-mart/Restaurant employees: Jess Harnell
Dot, Billie, Lisa, Britney Spears, Wilma: Tress MacNeille
Brain, "Brought To You In Living Color" bumper announcer: Maurice LaMarche
Plotz, "Christmas Week"/"Miami Vice Kids" promo announcer, Barney
Rubble, Griffino, Father Time: Frank Welker
Loud Kiddington: Cody Ruegger
Aquaman: Celebrating Sixty Years of the Sea King
Prison Thugs: various
Radio DJ: Casey Casem
Slappy: Sherri Stoner
Skippy: Nathan Ruegger
Axel Foley, Axel's family: Eddie Murphy
Jackie Chan: Himself
Joan Jett: Herself
Cher-Loving Restaurant Guy #1: Sean Hayes
Arthur "the Fonz" Fonzarelli: Henry Winkler
Mr. Cunningham: Tom Bosley
Mrs. Cunningham: Marion Ross
Richie Cunningham: Ron Howard
Joanie Cunningham: Erin Moran
Mikey: Andrew "Dice" Clay
Sheryl: Marisa Tomei
Lydia Karaoke: Nora Dunn
Wendy Franchetti: Debi Mazar
Chandu, Igor, Akom: Demonic relatives
Tohru: would-be babysitter to Jade and ex-bad guy
Uncle: "One more thing...!"
Jade: Niece of the "Jackinator"
Hok Fu: Drinks way too many espressos at Starbucks
Superboy: Tim Daly
Martha "Ma" Kent: Shelly Fabares
Jonathan "Pa" Kent: Mike Farrell
Fred Flintstone: Henry Corden
Brain's Father: Enjoying his twilight years in Florida
Brain's Mother: Ditto
Pinky's Mum/Dad: Eric Idle
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin: Seth McFarlane
Lois Griffin: Wife (and mother) of ripoffs of funnier characters
John Leguizamo: Himself
Nathan Lane: Himself
Hannibal Lecter: Anthony Hopkins
All "Animaniacs", "Pinky and the Brain",
"Smallville", and "Histeria" characters and related indica © 2001
Warner Bros., used without permission.
"Capt. Planet and the Planeteers" © Turner
Broadcasting, used without permission.
Pokemon © Nintendo.
"Jackie Chan Adventures" and related characters/indica
© Columbia/Tristar Television, used without permission.
"The Flintstones" and related characters
© Hanna-Barbara, used without permission.
"Family Guy" and related characters © 20th
Century Fox, used without permission.
"Will and Grace" © NBC.
"Dharma and Greg" © ABC.
"The Avengers" and related characters/indica © Canal+
Axel Foley, "Happy Days", and related characters/indica
© Paramount Studios, used without permission.
Aquaman, Superboy, Poison Ivy, Smallville, Ma Kent, and Pa Kent
© DC Comics, used without permission.
Hannibal Lecter © Thomas Harris and MGM, used without
Lisa, Seth, Mikey, Sheryl, and Wendy Franchetti created by Capt.
Griffino, Akom, and Igor created by Brainatra.
"Chain Store Mash", "The Big Interstate",
"We'll Make Thanksgiving Dreams Come True", "Thanksgiving,
Thanksgiving" written by Brainatra.
"Plotz's Christmas Week Parade", "Reggae Pokemon
Promo Song", written by Capt. Caps.
Aquaman's First Comics Appearance:
MORE FUN COMICS #73, 1941
Superboy's First Comics Appearance:
MORE FUN COMICS #101, 1945
Watch for A VERY WAKKO ARBOR DAY, featuring much of the same kind
of jokes as this story, only more tree-and-plant centered! Don't miss it!