| A Very Wakko Thanksgivingby: Brainatra, Captain Caps, and Dr. BELCH
---- (Open with a swirling kaleidoscope image of the Warners' faces, all in different, multiple colors..."bubbling" clarinet music set to the A!-theme plays in the background....) ANNOUNCER: The following fanfic is brought to you *in living color*, on the WBC Story Board!(The image finally forms itself into a coherent pattern of the sibs' faces, with their coloring reverting to normal, as the clarinet music hits a crescendo...) (Cut into the actual story... iris in on Axel Foley's Detroit apartment, at night. Dressed in a white T-shirt and polka-dotted boxers, The Main Man himself is sweating and mumbling in his bed. Per his gained political role in "Mr. Foley Goes to Washington", we see various papers on a dresser near the bed reading: "URGENT! Cast Vote On This *BEFORE* Heading Back to Detroit For Thanksgiving Congressional Break"...) AXEL: The hammer? Why'd you use the (bleep)ing hammer? Put it down! Put It Down! PUT IT DOWN! NOW! NO! OH NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (BLEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP)! (Axel jolts out of his nightmare. His eyes are red and dilated. We can see a scar on his left cheek. He gasps for air.) I'm....ALIVE! It was all a dream! Space, the Valley Girls, the Mobsters, that demented drug-dealer's daughter...It was all a sick dream!* Heh-heh-heh...Hokey smokes, that was terrible! I need a pot of coffee! (* - Actually, more like the apparently-yet-to-be-finished chainlink "Spaced-Out Warners" that Axel's referring to.... ---Brainatra, editor) (We see a small montage, set to a slow piano-and-saxophone styling of the "Animaniacs" version of the "Beverly Hills Cop" theme . Axel puts on some coffee, mis-accessorizes in a pair of white pants to get his morning paper, gets a pastry from "Duncan's Donuts" (with a picture of Dexter "Freakazoid" Douglas' muscle-head brother on the sign), and hops on an elevator to get back to his apartment. He looks at his paper, and notices the headline "Thanksgiving:The Official Start of the Holiday Season Just A Week Away". He lets out a smile as above his head we see him eating a large meal with his large family (who look like The Klumps from "The Nutty Professor"). As Axel enters his apartment, the music changes to "Over The River and Through The Woods" as used in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special.) AXEL: I'll have to round up my family this year. It'll be great fun to see Mom, Dad and the rest of the family. I'll need to buy and make the turkey, though. (Thinks) Hmm... (Shakes his head at the thought of cooking) Oh, (bleep)! With any luck, I can just order Italian and Chinese! (Cut to a mouth emitting a loud belch. We zoom out and we see that it's Wakko Warner behind the burp.) YAKKO: Pepto-Bismol? WAKKO: Sure! (Wakko swallows it, bottle and all) MMM...Dee-lish! DOT: Well, pretty soon, it'll be turkey time! YAKKO: What, Warner Brothers is releasing a new movie? DOT: Thanksgiving, silly! Let's see what suggestions Martha Stewart has! YAKKO: Helloooooooo, Ms. "Good Thing"! (Yakko turns on their television set.) MARTHA STEWART: And that's how to make stuffing out of apples, wheat bread and cake frosting! Next, we'll be talking about... (The signal breaks and is replaced by...) HYPERACTIVE ANNOUNCER (sounds like Mr. Plotz, but 30 years younger): Get a jump on your Christmas shopping! Be sure to pick up the items your kids love right now, or they'll turn on you when they're older. We've got the newest cartoon merchandise from Japan, Fisher-Price Action Hero dolls, and the new Britney Spears CD! Plus more Pokemon! So forget about Thanksgiving. Who likes eating turkey and cranberry sauce, when you could be munching on candy canes and hot chocolate? Get a jump on your Christmas shopping instead! (The TV shuts off, thanks to Yakko's wielding of the remote....) DOT: What the heck was that?! YAKKO: Aaaahhh, sounds like another pathetic, crassly greedy attempt at subverting yet another holiday in the name of profit and power. Either that, or "Lucky" and "Safeway" have *major* problems with Turkey Day. WAKKO: No Thanksgiving stuff on sale?! But I want to eat turkey! YAKKO: Great! First it was Christmas...and now, *this*. Well, there's only one thing to do! (Cut back to Detroit. Axel is hanging pictures of turkeys around his apartment, when his phone rings.) AXEL: (As he picks up) Hello? WAKKO: Helloooo, foul-mouth! AXEL: Oh no, not you! What do you want? YAKKO: Aaaahhh, just turn on your TV, OK? Trust me on this... (hangs up) (Cut back to the TV set some time later...we see a barrage of Christmas-related images, interspersed with clips of various Pokemon characters....an announcer's voice is then heard:) ANNOUNCER: On Wednesday---Wednesday---*WEDNESDAY*---tune in to the most massive, spectacular parade ever hosted! Live from Los Angeles, it’s the first annual CHRISTMAS WEEK PARADE! As part of a week’s worth of massive Christmas-related festivities (a brief graphic of the various sponsors of the parade’s logos are shown) this will be the most massive, phenomenal, biggest parade in *HISTORY*! (Shots of some of the floats to be shown are seen---all themed around Pikachu, "Smallville" (some guy with ordinary street clothes and a tag reading "Clark Kent: NOT Superboy"), "Yu-Gi-Oh", "Dragonball Z", various other anime shows, a giant AOL startup disk, and others....) Carried live on the WB, NBC, CNN, PDQ, ASAP, and a few other acronym networks we haven’t thought of or bought out yet, what other way to kick-start your Christmas spending---er, shopping, into overdrive! Wednesday! Accompanied on the WB by a week-long, round-the-clock "Christmas Week" episode marathon: all your favorite holiday shows like "A Very Special Poke-Christmas", "A Very Special Yu-Gi-Oh Hanukkah", and others ---*don’t miss it!!* (We see the ad end with a shot of Pikachu with crudely-inserted graphics of Santa Claus’ beard/clothes slapped over him, with a few "pika-pika"’s being heard. Cut back to the sibs watching this in their water tower, all looking quite shocked.) YAKKO: Ick. WAKKO: Ack. DOT: Uck. (Her sibs stare at her) Hey, what can I say? Had to make up a new word for this---thing.... YAKKO: Suppose this’ll affect our Turkey Day celebration much at all? (Wakko changes channels, to find Dan Blather giving a newscast....) DAN: Good evening.....tonight, we view the near-forgotten stature of the holiday called....er, um... (checks his notes) ah, yes, Thanksgiving. Once a year, we’d normally anticipate the scarfing down of massive amounts of turkey, followed by collapsing on the couch to watch a football game. However, in recent years, the Christmas rush has steadily been pushed back earlier and earlier, all but overshadowing Thanksgiving---*almost*. However, one company hopes to change this "almost" to "not at all". (We see a picture of Plotz show up on an inset screen behind Dan) I’m speaking with one Thaddeus Plotz, CEO of Warner Bros....Mr. Plotz, could you tell us what exactly this "Christmas Week" promotion will hope to accomplish? PLOTZ: Certainly....as you know, the Christmas sales season is the biggest sales period of the year for us mega-corporations. However, Thanksgiving, that one-day, low-cost day of the year never did make us much money: having to give workers the day off, nothing to merchandise, no cutesy "Thanksgiving Day Songs" or anything....feh! So, us CEO boys got together over some martinis at the country club, and hammered out between tennis sets *this*: "Christmas Week"---an effort designed to completely eliminate the profit-making interference that Thanksgiving poses! It’ll overshadow the day to the point that it may as well not even *exist*! And of course, by said day off for workers still being there, they can spend the time and money for a whole *day* at department stores for "Christmas Week" sales---it’s a win-win situation all around! HA! DAN: And it does seem to be succeeding---already, Americans seem to be thinking about what to spend their hard-earned dollars on in terms of materialistic presents, more than what type of stuffing to serve. Even supermarkets are reporting an emphasis on waiting until close to Christmas Day to put turkey, cranberry sauce, and other traditional Thanksgiving goodies on sale for reduced prices... WAKKO: (Screaming) NO! FOR ALL THAT’S HOLY----AAAAAAHHHHH! YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, everything all right there, Wakko? Haven’t seen you react like that since they cancelled "Charlie’s Angels".... WAKKO: Sorry---but no cheap turkeys?! No cheap macaroni and cheese shells?! No discounts on bread rolls or sweet potato pie or....or....(sobs a bit more). DOT: There, there, Wakko....I’m sure it’ll be all right. I mean, it can’t get much worse.... (Suddenly, we hear a knock on the water tower door....Dot opens it, and we see standing outside are the Brain, Billie, Pinky, and Axel Foley. All look quite annoyed.) DOT: Whoa....three mice and a vice.... AXEL: "Vice"? DOT: If that mouth of yours is anything, it’s a "vice".... though I hear there’s a program to help you break from that habit. AXEL: (Bleep) you, ya little---whatever-you-are! We don’t have time for this! BRAIN: Indeed...we came about Plotz’s plans for this---- "Christmas Week"----*thing*! PINKY: NARF! BRAIN: Indeed....basically, this "Week" would interfere with my latest plan to take over the world! DOT: And that plan would be...? BRAIN: (With "spooky" music playing) As everyone knows, the time after a heavy Thanksgiving meal is usually spent by millions lying on the couch in a mentally and physically dazed stupor, after a meal laden with turkey, stuffing, pumpkin and sweet potato pie, and so forth, watching football! The combination of such calorie-laden foodstuffs, the mind-numbing nature of American football, and the usual consumption of various beverages, intoxicating or not, will leave those viewers in a prime state for mental suggestion! At the halftime of a nationally televised football game, I will make an appearance and give a manifesto urging these viewers to make me supreme ruler, thereby allowing me to take over the world! PINKY: NAAAARF... DOT: And so, this "Christmas Week" thing would run mega-interference with all that, huh? BRAIN: Y-E-E-S! That is why we want to assist... AXEL: And I’m here since I was told that this thing means there won’t be any Thanksgiving food on sale for dirt cheap! Do you know how much my family eats?! I’m not gonna go broke trying to buy some (bleep) turkey and sweet potatoes! DOT: Gee, and I thought you’d be busy holding up any worthwhile social progress in D.C., but I guess you really *are* a sweet mama’s boy at heart.... (pinches Axel’s cheek, which snaps back, with Axel cursing in pain) YAKKO: Hey, why don’t ya hit up some of those megacorporate donors for some cash? I’m sure after how much cash they’ve blown lobbying you to kill all those bills, a few more bucks won’t hurt... AXEL: (BLEEP)! I did *not* kill a bunch of bills---- DOT: ---too often, anyway. AXEL: Shut up! Besides, I only did that---- (counts on his fingers, and mentally...) WARNERS: *Well*? AXEL: (Annoyed) Er, *never mind*! Besides, you (bleep)s won’t get to take it too easy in all this either! BILLIE: While coming here, we overheard some studio exec talking about a promo for this involving you guys... WARNERS: Uh-oh. BILLIE: Yeah....it basically involves all of you guys running around in cheap-looking elf costumes and singing Kids’ WB action show-themed Christmas songs with Baloney the dinosaur and about a gazillion Pokemon.... WARNERS: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! YAKKO: That’s it! (Yakko pulls out three suitcases and hands one of each to his sibs) There’s no alternative! We’ve got to save....Thanksgiving! (Dum-dum-duuuummm....) DOT: Beats saving *Arbor Day*, I guess... let's get yet another wacky, fun-filled fan fiction adventure started. YAKKO: That's the spirit! Don't let the risk of this turning into another repetitive, pointless waste of bandwidth as past stories get in the way! DOT: (Flatly) I'll try not to let it do so... (Cut to a few moments later, as the group is walking along the street outside the studio lot...) BRAIN: I suppose coming up with some sort of plan is in order....let’s see....how to prevent the public from falling sway to this corporate propaganda, so that they’ll fall sway to *my* propaganda...hmm.... PINKY: Um, will this involve running around and gathering enough wacky, funny, silly-willy characters to re-stage the Normandy landing with all sorts of funny, zany repetitive jokes and ninja-thug fight scenes and stuff like that? HAHAHAHA! BRAIN: (Annoyed) *Certainly not*! (To the sibs, before they say anything) And if any of you even *think* of stopping at a certain restaurant while on this mission, you’ll all regret it! WAKKO: Aww, c’mon.... BRAIN: *No*. DOT: But we’ll be your best friend! BRAIN: (Shudders) Still *no*. Instead, we shall be going to much finer eating facilities...anything at an Olive Gardener level on up only! WAKKO: (Disappointed) *Olive Gardener*?! The place where the food takes a whole *20* minutes to arrive?! I can’t wait that long! BRAIN: Well, *tough*. Now let’s get going before we wind up attracting the obligatory gargantuan cast of worthless characters for this thing... DOT: No kidding.... (Cut to Plotz, who’s in his board room with Lydia Karaoke and various other CEO’s is seen gloating over sales figure projections from all this....) PLOTZ: I love it, *love it*! We’re gonna be rich rich *rich*....uh, rich-er. LYDIA KARAOKE: Lovely, sir....but there’s one snag: Ralph the guard reports that for those promos you want to make, we’re missing one thing... PLOTZ: What’s that? LYDIA: The Warners. Those naughty kids were seen bailing from the studio lot again, with that potty-mouthed policeman-turned-congressman and those laboratory mice in tow. PLOTZ: (Worried) Oh, no---they’re gonna try to destroy my
wonderful, wonderful plan like they did in that Christmas plan-thingy! Ohhh... (sucks his
thumb in panic, but sees the others staring at him, and yanks it out.) (Sternly) OK----any
means for *how* we can stop them before they mess things up for us *again*?!? (Plotz looks at a monitor...we see on it is some sort of robotic figure....) PLOTZ: Hey! That looks like... LYDIA: Yes, I know....we *were* going to create an all-new, original, and creatively different robot, but at the last minute, the other execs and I decided just to recycle an old idea under the excuse of a "creative re-interpretation" motif. So, we bring you----*GRIFFINO*! (We see on the screen that it is indeed Griffino, the evil android creation of Stewie Griffin from "Warner Academy 2", on the screen, all primed to go....) LYDIA: Reinforced with triple-titanium shielding, and lacking any visible wires or tubes to snip or fray, it’ll take out and bring back those naughty cartoon children quickly and easily, and lock them back in their little yellow water tower! And, thanks to recycling an old robot, we didn’t have to spend much money to use it! PLOTZ: Er, where did you get it? It looks a lot like something from one of our competitors.... LYDIA: We bought it at some family’s yard sale in Rhode Island for $5....some intelligent baby with a football-shaped head was selling it to raise money for "his evil scheme for totalitarian conquest of Earth and ‘Rugrats’ videos".... PLOTZ: Brilliant! We’ll write the purchase amount off on next year’s taxes as a "charitable contribution to minors"! Dispatch this "Griffino" at once.... (sinister laughter) (And as Plotz and company prepare to recycle lame old ideas in an all-too-typical corporate-minded manner, we cut back to our heroes. As we see them round a corner, to find that they apparently won’t be spared from the fate of too many extraneous characters after all, for they see....) PINKY: (Gasps; excited) It’s Fred Flintstone and his best friend Barney Rubble! NAAAARF! (Sure enough, it’s none other than Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble of the "Flintstones" fame, standing next to Fred’s car and looking over a newspaper) FRED: Can’t believe the nerve of those Warner Bros. guys.... BARNEY: Yeah, no kidding... (The gang walks up) BRAIN: At the risk of taking on our first extraneous bunch of characters, is something wrong? FRED: You bet there is, pal! Just got off the horn with Plotz, and got told that a Thanksgiving Day marathon on Cartoon Network of our old shows is bein’ pre-empted for a marathon of Christmas-oriented "Dragonball Z" episodes! (Annoyed) WHAT THE HECK’S A "DRAGONBALL Z", SOME KINDA JOUSTING CONTEST THING? BRAIN: Trust me, you don’t want to know.... FRED: Boy, 40 years of entertainment service and we get knocked aside for some show even less well animated than we were. (Rubs his forehead) If only Mr. Barbara were still here.... DOT: Well, we are! And we’re gonna try to get the public to get back to a more Thanksgiving frame of mind! (Wakko holds a picture frame up over his head) FRED: Yeah? How’s that? BRAIN: We’re not sure...but "getting the public back in that frame of mind" might be the trick! WAKKO: (Holding up a deck of cards) Here, pick a card! (Wiggles his eyebrows) (Fred does so, but Dot smacks it away; an explosion’s heard off-screen) DOT: Don’t bother...we don’t have time for this right now. BRAIN: If we were to encourage the public through some sort of reminders of the Thanksgiving elements they loved the most, we could easily turn the tide away from this Christmas commercialism onslaught and ruin Plotz’s scheme! YES! PINKY: Egad, brilliant Brain! Oh, no, wait, no---how will we do that? BRAIN: We could travel around the country to various key places and try to encourage a change in attitude! But the key will be thwarting the "Christmas Week" parade on Wednesday that Plotz is using to try to thwart all this! Football games, shopping malls, and supermarkets should be our key areas of focus of our efforts.... DOT: I dunno, Brain....we don’t have any pirate radio stations or police badges or anything! We’re just a bunch of crazy, lovable cartoon characters! AXEL: Speak for yourself.... DOT: ...that, and a politician---which in itself is probably another knock against us. (Axel mutters to himself) Besides, how will we get the media’s attention if they’re all running Christmas commercial stuff?! Especially with that parade being next Wednesday---a week away! BRAIN: Well, we must try anyway! Encouraging the public to keep true to its Thanksgiving roots is the only hope for my world domination goal---er, *our* goals! FRED: And Barney and I are willin’ to help! BARNEY: Yeah....besides, with how much Fred eats, we need all the cheap groceries we can get! (Does his trademark chuckle) FRED: Droll, Barney, very droll... (to the others) C’mon! My car awaits! (Pan over to see Fred jerking his thumb towards the Flintstone-mobile....the others look at this oddly.) DOT: Great....and to think I’ve been having nightmares about that "FlintWarners" fanfic thing we did.... YAKKO: Still? DOT: Unfortuantely. (Everyone gets into Fred’s car, and Fred does the Flintstones feet-starter thing. The car takes off down the road....) (Cut to the open road, where we see Fred’s car wind its way down the highway, with Fred at the wheel, Barney and the lab mice in the front seat, and the Warners and Axel in the back. The car radio is playing rock music (natch), specifically "R-O-C-K In the U.S.A."; Yakko is playing with his paddleballs, Dot is reading a copy of "Vague" magazine, Wakko sticks his head out the back "window", and the mice are going over Brain’s plans (with Pinky humming the "Flintstones" theme song and giggling intermittently). Axel, though, looks quite displeased.) AXEL: (Annoyed) (BLEEP) this! What do I look like, a (bleep)in’ V6 engine?! My (bleep) feet are (bleep)in’ killin’ me! This is a pain in the (bleep)in’ (bleep)---runnin’ down the (bleep) road like some sort of (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)! (Looks at the sibs) (BLEEP)! Why aren’t you (bleep)s helpin’ out here?! YAKKO: (With his feet resting on the top of the front seat) Aaaaahhhh.....I did this bit already. Remember that "FlintWarners" fanfic? DOT: (Sitting in a folded, "Indian-style" position) Oh, well, I had to read this engaging article on Celine Deon’s makeup skills... AXEL: Feh.... (The radio changes to play Richard Stone-orchestrated music....) BRAIN: (Also slightly disturbed) I must concur with Axel’s motor-related comment---just *how* are we able to obtain such a fair rate of speed when I can’t find any visible means of motorized propulsion? PINKY: Oh, um, lessee....(hums the Flintstones' theme song) "da da...da da da dah....let’s ride with the family down the street, through the---" Oh, right, Brain, it’s "through the courtesy of Fred’s two feet"! POIT! HAHAHA! BRAIN: (Slightly annoyed) How grossly unscientific...the fastest humans on Earth can only attain speeds between 25 and 30 miles per hour....besides, we’ve managed to go over hills with not much hassle... AXEL: (Rubbing one of his feet) Speak for yourself, shorty... BRAIN: ...so there must be something else this car is running on. BILLIE: Uh....fossil fuel? (She giggles, as does Pinky) BRAIN: (Rolling his eyes) Very well, then... (The music on the radio now changes to play a Sly and the Family Stone song...get the gag by now, folks?) BILLIE: Well, they did fill up for gas on occasion on the old "Flintstones" show....though I guess their cars are more actually like mopeds rather than completely human powered.... BARNEY: Uh, beats me....I’m no mechanic! Usually I just hit the side of our TV set when the picture gets all fuzzy! (Chuckles) YAKKO: (Stops playing with his paddleballs) Speaking of Flintstones mysteries, how come when you guys hit the "brakes" your legs never got torn off? FRED: (Startled) Well, gee, I.... WAKKO: And how can you guys celebrate Christmas when you live in prehistoric times, before Christ’s birth? FRED: (Startled) Er.... BRAIN: As long as they’re asking questions, how can dinosaurs and cavepeople co-exist when the dinosaurs died out approximately 63 million years before the earliest humans even first appeared? FRED: Well---- PINKY: And how did you train all those fun-fun, silly willy animals to be showers and record players and washing machines and stuff? DOT: And did you have to clean up after all those animals, or were they all potty-trained? YAKKO: And how old *is* Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm right now? One series they’re 1, the next series, they’re 16, then they’re 20-something, married and with kids of their own, then the following special, back to babies! And Brain says that *we* abuse the space-time continuum.... WAKKO: And how come you don’t use dinosaurs or animals to power your cars when you use them for everything else? DOT: How does it feel to have your record for number of seasons
in primetime for an animated show broken by the "Simpsons" and then some? WAKKO: Do you think that Homer Simpson’s shaded area around his mouth is just a ripoff of your mouth’s? DOT: Who’s cuter, Maggie Simpson or Pebbles? PINKY: How come Bamm-Bamm had super-strength? Was he from Krypton? BILLIE: Did the Rubbles ever look for Bamm-Bamm’s original parents? YAKKO: Is the "Flintstone Kids" canonical? WAKKO: How can Mr. Slate have been a "Kid" when he seemed way older than you are? BILLIE: Did Wilma’s lipstick ever smudge or come off? YAKKO: Can we meet that Schleprock guy when we're through? DOT: Why did you guys team up with the Shmoo and the Thing? YAKKO: Why weren't you in "Laff-a-Lympics"? (Pats Fred's stomach) Oh, *never mind*.... PINKY: Why were you always asking Wilma to "cook your dinner before you got home" on the original show? Didn’t you have any TV dinners or pizza delivery? POIT! WAKKO: What do bronto burgers taste like? Chicken? DOT: Why do you always quit your job to go on half-baked schemes that never work, only to return by the end of the show? PINKY: How come everything on your show had the word "rock" or "stone" or "sand" or something in its name? BILLIE: What was it like going to work every day knowing your boss could change appearance and/or names with every other episode? Or for that matter, the name of your workplace? WAKKO: Where did Barney work at on the old show, anyway? I guess he works with you at the gravel pit now, but what was he doing on the old show? DOT: Maybe he was working at McDonald’s™---excuse me, "Rock Donalds"... YAKKO: Speaking of that pun name, how’d you live down the humiliation based on your show that were those two "Flintstones" movies? DOT: Did Jackie Gleason ever try to sue you over your ripping off stuff from the "Honeymooners" so blatantly? WAKKO: You met the Jetsons, but how come you haven’t met the Simpsons? PINKY: Do you think your show really "jumped the shark" once they added that "Great Gazoo" guy? POIT! WAKKO: Where can I get some of that giant food you guys always had? (Licks his lips) BILLIE: How *did* you grow food that large, anyway? Some sort of genetic engineering? BRAIN: I’d like to know why you used animals for various gadgetry when you apparently had electricity, seeing as how your television sets worked much like conventional, modern-day ones... (Everyone starts jabbering all at once, asking more and more questions and debating the already-asked ones....we see Fred grow more and more irate, until he’s finally almost had it) FRED: (Highly annoyed) All right, ALL RIGHT! Stop asking me---I didn’t write the show, OK? Ask those hack writers of ours! I just lived there! (The car falls silent, save for the radio (now playing "Stone Temple Pilots" music---yep, stretchin’ this joke for all it’s worth, folks)....finally, Dot speaks up) DOT: Say, Fred---if you’re getting *some* exercise by all this driving through the "courtesy of your two feet", then how come you’re still so fat? Is it those bronto burgers or what? (Fred slams on the "brakes", pulling the car to a stop. He turns around, now completely irate) FRED: (Irate) OUT! *OUT*! ALL OF YOU! O-W-T, OUT!!!! BARNEY: Aw, gee, Fred, lighten up---they were only curious.... FRED: (Irate) CURIOUS, NOTHING---THEY’RE ACTING LIKE THEY’RE FROM THE FBI OR SOMETHING! WAKKO: (Looking saddened) But we were only curious....please, don’t make us get out! DOT: Yeah... we have to save Thanksgiving! FRED: Oh, yeah? Give me one good reason why I should let you stay?! YAKKO: (Pointing to something off-screen) Aaaahhhhh....well, that’s a good reason.... (They all turn to look at what Yakko’s pointing to, and gasp....it turns out to be 3 gunmen dressed in black. We hear "This Is Not America" by David Bowie, playing in the background. the first one, in a demonic voice, is the speaker of the group) GUNMAN 1: My name is Seth. I come to kill. You're (bleep)ing with Plotz's plans. You must be destroyed. AXEL: AAAAAA...Yeah, right! SETH: You don't believe me? Well, discuss that with Saint Peter. You and him will make great friends. (With this, he whips out a Saturday Night Special and launches a shot to Axel) AXEL: (Bleep)! How come it's the human element that has to die? Hold on! (A thought cloud appears above Axel's head. We see him take a bullet to the mouth, only to chew it up and spit it back out in a hail, a la "Weird" Al Yankovic in "UHF". He then looks at us as if to say "That can't happen. I'm only going halfway". With this, Axel opens his mouth to catch the bullet. He falls down as a fakery, but this manages to fool Pinky) PINKY: Axel? AXEL, WAKE UP! What did those mean people do to you? POIT! (Axel rests for a few more seconds, then opens his eyes and smiles at Pinky) WARNERS: (Facing us) Darn! We thought we were rid of him for good! (Axel spits the bullet into a garbage can, then runs over to the gunmen. He karate-chops each of them, and gives them pokes to the eyes, like the Three Stooges. Seth ends up so blinded, he shoots himself and his fellow gunmen in the feet.) SETH: Okay! I give up, but mark my words! I will be back, and you will regret it! Put down the guns, boys, and let's rest in the car! (As Seth the Gunman and his cronies head to the car, Axel gets some applause from the others.) FRED: (Laughing) With any luck, those gunmen won't return! YAKKO: Don't bet on it, Mr. "Man Called Flintstone". Now, presuming that nothing else is going on right now, let's go to the deli, figure out our plans, and get some sandwiches. PINKY: Can't we go to M*ckey---(Pinky is thwapped on the head by Brain) BRAIN: NO! (Cut to an Olive Gardener restaurant, a fine mid-priced chain dining establishment with cloth napkins and nary a "kids' meal" in sight; we see Fred's car is parked out front. Inside, the heroes are all munching away at their food. Wakko has a huge pile of food in front of him, nearly crowding out his two sibs' spots; Fred has a large plate of ribs (natch); the others have various pasta dishes and salad.) BRAIN: (Looking quite pleased) While I don't believe they quite cooked the pasta al dente as I preferred, I must state that this establishment is light years above that wretched McDonald's™ eatery... WAKKO: (Looking disappointed) Hmph...there isn't even a single plastic fork or cheaply-made toy with our meals! I don't think it's better... (takes a big bite out of his food pile). BILLIE: Sorry, but I'm siding with Eggy on this one....I think all that M*ckeyD's food was starting to give me indigestion... WAKKO: (Swallowing his huge bite of food in one gulp) Indigestion? What's that? DOT: Never mind...I'll explain later... BRAIN: We'll eat here for the remainder of our mission...they've got these restaurants all over the country! (The Warners look rather disappointed at this....) BRAIN: Don't bother with making those faces...my mind's made up. (The sibs pout) But as for our plan, I propose that we split into two separate teams... one team, led by me, shall try to stir up public support for the big nationally televised football game on Thanksgiving Day. The other team shall emphasize the meal aspects of the holiday, by encouraging people to get supermarkets to have Thanksgiving food-related sales. Both teams shall also try to stir up feelings of "family togetherness" and other manner of sentimental smarminess...we'll meet back in Burbank by the time that "Christmas Week" parade takes place on Wednesday, and try to use public sentiments to stop that parade itself! Any questions? (The sibs all raise their hands, as does Pinky) BRAIN: Any *intelligent* questions? (The hands all go down) BRAIN: Good. Now then, in light of past missions, I've noted certain aspects repeated endlessly, almost like clockwork... PINKY: Like the "two places at once" gag? HAHAHAHA! BRAIN: (Annoyed) *Yes*, Pinky, to our eternal dismay....but I was thinking more along the lines of the antagonists we face trying to thwart our efforts through some sort of help---aka, the proverbial "ninja-thugs". And for the other cliche, the gargantuan number of useless, extra characters that we always seem to accumulate on these adventures...no offense, Mr. Flintstone. FRED: (Munching on a spare rib) None taken... BRAIN: So, in light of this fact, I've decided to actually *call* for extra help that we actually *intentionally* could use, so that we don't need to pick up all manner of characters along the way. The help I've called will wage battle against any "ninja thugs" for us that we may encounter, giving us more time to actually do something constructive. PINKY: POIT! Who'd ya call, Brain? The Ghostbusters? BRAIN: Actually, more like.... (The door to the restaurant opens, and we see enter, with a bit of "martial arts"-esque theme music....) PINKY: (Gasp) JACKIE CHAN?! NARF! BILLIE: And that extra-sized friend of his, Tohru! (Yes, it is Jackie Chan and Tohru of "Jackie Chan Adventures" fame.....the two walk over to the table...) JACKIE: I'm here at the request of a Mr. Brain? BRAIN: Right here, good sir.... JACKIE: (Scratches his head at seeing the size of Brain, and the others he's with) Ahem....well, this is....different. Though no more "different" than dealing with Jade, I suppose. (To Tohru) You did make sure she isn't anywhere near here, did you? *Or* tell her we were going somewhere? TOHRU: Of course.... (Zip pan to the outside of a closet in Uncle's shop...a brief close-up shows that there's a broom stick jammed between the doorknob and the door...) JADE: Tohru will *never* find me in here....nobody plays hide-n-seek like *Jade*! (Zip pan back to the restaurant...we see Tohru walk over to the still-eating-ribs Fred...) FRED: (In between bites) Hey, pal. TOHRU: Hello. FRED: (Stops eating, holds up a rib) Spare rib? (Tohru decides to take up Fred's offer, and wedges himself in the seat, sending Axel sprawling to the floor (with a few expletives)...the two resume eating into the pile of spare ribs...) (While this is going on, we cut to the WB Studios, where Plotz is scolding the failed efforts of Seth and his men) PLOTZ: You failed?! How could you have trouble defeating those guys?! Oh, never *mind*....I'll find someone *else* to take care of them. You go back to doing security for the "Harry Potter" movie tour... SETH: Great....I think we'd be better off getting karate-chopped, guys... (the others murmur in agreement) (A short while later, we see Plotz walk onto what looks like the set for the "Jackie Chan" series; apparently, it's a Christmas episode being filmed. Everyone on the set, including Chandu (in statue form) is wearing red Santa-type caps. We see that Chandu is wearing a tag reading "fight scene choreographer" as the hired goons go over a scene...) GOON (the guy with sunglasses): OK, says here we're supposed to "jump 30 feet straight up into the air in order to grab the 'Christmas talisman' from a high perch"....how da heck are we supposed ta do that?! CHANDU: Allow *me* to show you.... (his eyes light up, and he emits flame from his mouth, aimed straight towards the rear ends of the goons...they all proceed to jump the required distance skyward....) PLOTZ: (To Chandu) Excellent work.... CHANDU: Thank you....of course, what I'd *really* like to do is *direct*.... (laughs gleefully/sinisterly) PLOTZ: I....see. (Rolls his eyes) Anyway, I'm looking for that big hulking red-haired guy we hired on as a full-time regular for the second season of this show... I have a *job* for him... (Cut to a short time later, as we see Plotz talking to both the Griffino robot and none other than....) HOK FU: (Staring at a photo of the Warners and Axel that Plotz is holding up...) PUPPY CHILDREN FACED NINJAS IN THE PAST?! Don't make me laugh.... PLOTZ: Well, it's true....they've defeated various "ninja-thugs" so often, it's become a cliche for them....but *you*, on the other hand, would certainly provide them with quite the workout...along with Griffino here. (Griffino emits a few R2D2-esque noises, chirping in agreement) So, willing to take the job? HOK FU: CRUSH PUPPIES LIKE DOGCATCHER WITH NET! PLOTZ: (Grins) I'll take that as a "yes".... get going. I want you to find those Warners, and bring them back here alive! HOK FU: Awww.... PLOTZ: Hmph...better send someone else with the two of you.... seeing as, well... (pan over to see Hok Fu punching the head off a cardboard cutout of Harry Potter, yelling "CROUCHING TIGER EATS HIDDEN DRAGON!") (Cut to several moments later, as we see two old fanfic favorites alongside Hok Fu and Griffino....) PLOTZ: So you say you've defeated various cartoon characters with your patented "ninja thug" tactics before? MIKEY: (Slightly nervous) Er...sure, pops. SHERYL: (Also nervous) Uh, yeah, you know that's right....dozens of times. MIKEY: Hundreds. SHERYL: More times than those guys in that Jet Li flick you put out awhile back.... PLOTZ: Good....now then, you'll be sure to take care of Griffino and Hok Fu there, won't you? So get going, and good luck! Ta-ta! (Plotz exits; we see Griffino display on a control panel on its chest the words "please change oil pan", and Hok standing there looking as, er, "calm" as usual; Mikey and Sheryl gulp.) MIKEY: I know we're back together and all, babe, but, uh....think this gig is worth it? Looks sorta, erm, *dangerous*, baby.... SHERYL: (Whispers back) With these guys on our team, how can we fail?! Barbed wire-wrapped bricks, a psycho ninja-guy, a killer robot....we can't fail! I even gave our group a name: TEAM NINJA! MIKEY: Cool name, babe....you're so creative. I love that. Sounds like the name for a team fulla winners to me. How'd ya think of it? SHERYL: Beats me....though I think I might've been watching some show with freakish little creatures fightin' each other at the time... (And so, "Team Ninja" sets off in search of the heroes....meanwhile, cut back to said heroes, who're standing in front of a rented van of Jackie's and Fred's car....) TOHRU: (Eyeing Fred's car) Um....a possible problem presents itself with this..."vehicle". I do not believe I can, well... BARNEY: (Eying Tohru) No kiddin', pal...Fred's legs'd probably give out before we could even pull outta the driveway... (chuckles) TOHRU: True. BRAIN: Well, it doesn't matter, since you won't be going with Fred...now then, the groups are as follows: Fred, Barney, the Warners, and Axel will be in Fred's, er, "car",for the meal-related part of the mission, while Tohru, Jackie, Billie, Pinky, and I shall be in the van for the football-related part. WAKKO: Aww, why can't we have a cool karate-knowin' guy? AXEL: Hey! Didn't you see me take out those crazy (bleep)s back there with that karate chop?! DOT: He said "cool" guy , Axel... (Axel mutters a few choice words) BILLIE: Hey, you guys have taken out those ninja-thugs with those gags of yours so many times in the past, *we're* the ones who could use the extra help! DOT: Great....guess we'll have to face potentially dangerous and homicidal thugs armed with nothing more than.... WAKKO: "Two places at---" (stops as Dot and Brain stare at him sternly, as does Tohru.) (Quietly) Erm...nevermind. BRAIN: (Flatly) Very well, then...let us depart! Good luck, everyone! (The two groups split up, get into their separate vehicles, and pull away from the restaurant, heading in opposite directions....we soon fade to the inside of Brain's van. We see that Billie and Pinky are reading magazines, while Brain is singing along rather off-key with the radio. Jackie and Tohru observe Brain's singing with interest....) BRAIN: (Singing) I hate myself for loving you/Trying to break free from the things that you do/I want to walk, but I run back to you/That's why I hate myself for loving you. JACKIE: Brain, you certainly seem a lot less, well, serious than what you led us to believe back in the restaurant... BRAIN: Actually, I'm quite serious, but when I hear Joan Jett's voice, I can't help but sing along. BILLIE: Hey, Eggy, where's our first destination? Because, if I can be honest, you're no Ron Isley! BRAIN: While I'm slightly insulted, along with your errant mixing of different musical genres, we're headed for San Francisco, home of the annual "Freeway Game". It's the Oakland Raiders versus the San Francisco 49ers to decide who is the mightiest of California football teams. There, we will spread our message of Thanksgiving, and knock down one major road block in my quest for world domination! YES! (Everyone in the van looks at him funny) BRAIN: What? You're looking at me like I have six eyes! JACKIE: Erm..."world domination"? I thought you just needed us for protection.... BRAIN: I do....but trust me, I'm nothing like the thugs you wage battle against in your movie. If you wish, Pinky and Billie can support me on my character.... (Cut to several moments later, with Jackie a bit dazed at some of the stories that Billie and Pinky have tried telling him...) JACKIE: (Waving his hands) OK, *OK*. You aren't an evil person. (Sighs) I'll assist you....but you *must* promise me one thing: that after this attempt fails, you'll try to take over the world *without* mind control and with the people's willingness... BRAIN: *When* it fails?! (Jackie shrugs) Trust me....this attempt *will* succeed. And it isn't through mind control per se, but more of the powers of suggestion. No different than that of advertising.... PINKY: Yesiree! Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven! No wait, I meant to say, "things go better with Coke"...erm, no, um.... BRAIN: You see? JACKIE: (Sighs) I don't think Uncle will believe *this*.... (Cut to several hours later, at San Francisco's Candlestick Park. We see various sports yahoos in face paint, without shirts, drinking beer, eating burnt steaks, etc. Everyone exits the van wearing football-related clothing. In the background, we can hear the song "Love Train" by the O'Jays.) PINKY: Oh, this is fun! We look like that strange spastic fellow in that concert movie...er, um..."Stop Making Sense"! NARF! BRAIN: I would prefer it if you *started* making sense. Now, Jackie and Tohru, I've already gotten tickets for you. You just get seats in the stadium, being as I'll need a lookout on this one. Myself, Pinky and Billie, will explore the premises, and make our way to the halftime show! We will interrupt the performance by (checks the game program)...the Voo Doo Dolls? Congratulations, Billie....it seems that you and Pinky will finally get to see them again, after that "Lethal Intellect" fiasco... TOHRU: "Lethal Intellect"? (* - the movie that the mice and Axel produced, in the fanfic of the same name. ---Brainatra) BRAIN: (Flatly) Don't ask...now, as they say, let's roll! (Our heroes exeunt, and we pan left to see Team Ninja. Sheryl, dressed in glasses, black lipstick and a suit that's rather conservative except for the exaggerated shoulder pads, whips out a walkie-talkie.) SHERYL: X-X, this is Black Widow. Do you read...over? Mikey: (V.O) I'm here, whaddya need? Over! SHERYL: The mice are out. The white fur will be skinned! Over!MIKEY: (V.O) 10-4, over and out, sweetheart! SHERYL: 10-4, over and out, sugar! (Sheryl lights up a cigarette. She turns to the camera.) Hey, I'm back with Mikey. I've earned the right to smoke again! (She inhales, and blows out a few rings. She then starts singing quietly) People all over the world/Join hands/Get on the love train/Love train! (Cut away from the singing villain, and back to the mice....) BILLIE: Er, Eggy, I realize you want to promote the virtues of football and Thanksgiving to dazed-and-confused sports fans, but I thought your "big game debut" was going to be held on *Thanksgiving*....which is at least several days away! BRAIN: I know, Billie....this game is to serve our mission of reinstating a sense of Thanksgiving to the sports-crazed public. The *actual* game being nationally televised on Thanksgiving Day involves the titanic clash between the New Orleans Saints against the New York Jets! BILLIE: (Trying not to snicker at the decidedly-less-than-"titanic" teams involved in that matchup) BRAIN: Erm...is there a problem? BILLIE: Oh, *no*, of course not... nothing at all. (Pauses, then doubles over with laughter) The *JETS*! HAHAHAHAHA! BRAIN: (Annoyed) Perhaps I should've stuck with Tohru and Mr. Chan...speaking of which, they should be seated in the stands looking for any sign of trouble. (Cut to the halftime point in the game, where a quick scan shows the fans growing somewhat weary, even the body-painted fanatics. We see Jackie and Tohru seated, with both wearing separate hats of each team. Down on the field, we see the halftime show's about to begin, with the cheerleaders of each team taking the field. Brain, Billie, and Pinky head for the field as well...) BILLIE: (Helping Pinky and Brain drag a cordless microphone) Eggy? You sure this will work? BRAIN: Positive...I've spliced this microphone into the sound system. While the "Stars and Stripes Forever" plays, most of the male sports fan contingent here will be focused on the, ahem, physical attributes of the teams' two cheerleading squads. With the music masking my voice, I shall read my speech....the subliminal, "masked" effect will cause the fans to accept what I say---namely, to observe anything related to Thanksgiving next Thursday, including viewing the big game! (Billie nearly breaks down into laughing over the "big" game... Brain is about to start into his speech, but we see on the billboard the image change from scantily-clad women to---) SHERYL: Give me a "N"! MIKEY: Give me an "I"! HOK FU: GIVE ME "N"! GRIFFINO: (Chirping noises) SHERYL: Give me...oh, forget it. Let's just do the motto I made up.... MIKEY: Do we have to? SHERYL: Yes! It worked on that freakish, cheapo-animated show I got this idea from... (As the entire stadium eyes the viewscreen, they're distracted by a large cloud of smoke appearing in the end zone...when it clears, we see Mikey, Sheryl, Hok Fu, and Griffino appear...music that sounds like it came from a third-generation cassette tape copy starts to play over the sound system...the two deliver their "motto" with cheap-looking video editing effects on the monitor showing various limited-movement close-ups of their faces and both of them holding roses...) SHERYL: To protect our butts from devastation... MIKEY: To get big bucks is our motivation.... SHERYL: To enjoy the song "Can't Buy Me Love"! MIKEY: To extend my credit limit to the sky above! SHERYL: Sheryl... MIKEY: Mikey.... SHERYL: Team Ninja drives faster than the speed limit! MIKEY: Surrender now, or prepare to, er, get hit! (We see the whole "Team" strike a pose on the field...Hok Fu leaps in front of the "dynamic duo", as does Griffino) HOK FU: HOK FU---THAT'S RIGHT! (The cheap-sounding music ends) SHERYL: Hmph....we'll have to work on that last line... HOK FU: Uh, OK.... MICE: (Still shocked by this) "TEAM NINJA"?! MIKEY: That's right, uh.... (reads a paper labeled "Team Ninja" script) "twerps". Now we'll have to show you who's the boss! PINKY: I thought it was Tony Danza...POIT! SHERYL: Never mind that---HOK FU, attack! HOK FU: (Leaps forward with that anime-style streaked-lines-background effect, as cheap-sounding fight-scene rock music begins playing) GIANT FELINE DEVOUR LITTLE RODENTS! (We see, however, that instead of slamming into the mice, Hok slams into---Tohru, who's managed to get to the field along with Jackie during the time it took to do the motto. Hok sends Tohru sprawling backwards, slamming into some costumed mascot...Tohru gets up quickly, though, and punches Hok Fu, sending him slamming into a goal post...) MASCOT: (Still in pain) Oooogh.....this ain't worth $6.25/hr... PINKY: Egad...what'll we do? BRAIN: *Nothing*...precisely why I hired Jackie and Tohru. While they deal with this pointless ninja-thug fight scene, I shall be reading my Thanksgiving-promoting speech. This cheesy fight scene rock music currently playing will serve just as well to aid its audience-influence effects... (taps his microphone, and begins speaking into it) (Cut back to the fight, where we see Jackie's now in the action...) MIKEY: (To Hok Fu) Guess we can't get any more help from *you*...but we still have *these*! (Whips out a barbwire-wrapped brick, and hurls it towards the heroes) And Griffino! Griffino, *attack*! (Griffino leaps forward with the streaked-lines-effect as well, with a metallic fist raised, which quickly changes into the form of a missile launcher....Jackie looks at the flying brick/robot headed towards him and panics...he runs back, but soon sees the football from the game. He tosses it towards the brick, which before it deflates has enough force to knock the brick into Griffino. Griffino's path is deflected....straight towards a banner stretched out reading "San Francisco Luvs the Raiders/49ers". Griffino and the brick are rebounded by the banner, and slam into the other half of the "team". However, all soon realize that the missile launcher Griffino had is going off underneath them. With a large explosion, we soon see the foursome flying skyward...) SHERYL: You little rats! This won't be the end of this! We'll be back! MIKEY: Maybe, but for now.... HOK FU: HOK FU BLASTS OFF LIKE SCREAMING EAGLE! SHERYL: Something like that---- (Mikey and Sheryl yell "Team Ninja's blasting off *agaaiiiinnn*..." and vanish with a cheap-looking flash of light over the horizon. The crowd all stands up and cheers, as Brain puts the finishing words on his speech.) PINKY: Egad! It worked! You managed to do something besides face ninja-thugs on an adventure! (Yelling skyward) AND WE'RE NOT RATS! BRAIN: (Smirking) YES, Pinky! Thanks to our vigilant hired help... (Tohru and Jackie, looking a bit beat, stagger back towards the mice) JACKIE: Er, you're welcome...are your adventures always this, um, bizarre? (As the crowd cheers, we hear various members murmur things such as "gee, why *is* it there's no turkey on sale?" and "shouldn't we be celebrating some other holiday besides Christmas during November?") BRAIN: (To the others) Our plan is working! Quickly...let us proceed back to the van and set forth for another football-related venue... PINKY: Which is...? BRAIN: Where else? A local *sports bar*! We'll hand out the promotional materials we gathered for the Saints-Jets game, and advertise it to as many sports-crazed fans as possible! BILLIE: (Sighs) Fine...I just hope we can get to such a place without too much traffic.... (The mice, Jackie, and Tohru (holding a box labeled "sports promotional stuff") set off, with Billie snickering "the Jets!" intermittently...) (Meanwhile, we cut back to Fred's car, now parked in front of a "Kroger" supermarket in the midwest...however, despite the presence of popular cartoon characters and a movie star/cop/politician, no one's paying them much mind, as they try to hand various shoppers Thanksgiving-related flyers, stickers, etc. One woman tells her child "don't talk to the strange...whatever-they-ares, dear"; a bobbysoxer-dressed teenaged girl with large eyes and an autograph book scoffs at Fred, saying "hey! You're not Homer Simpson!" and storms off.) YAKKO: This isn't working...we need to do something...something to promote Thanksgiving meals and family togetherness! (Snaps his fingers) I know! We slap turkey stickers on McDonald's™ food bags and resell them for 5% off! A virtual bargain after the 5% sales tax in this state's taken into account.... DOT: I don't think so.... (to the others) Any ideas? WAKKO: (Making gookie faces) Uh-uh. FRED: Er, no, sorry.... BARNEY: Ya got me.... AXEL: (Sighs) Not sure how to promote this holiday....I guess we could try going *into* the supermarket and seeing if we have better luck in there. BARNEY: Sure, why not? What could go wrong? DOT: Besides Wakko eating half the inventory, you're in one of *our* stories and you have to *ask*?! Though it better not involve gratuitous cameos, ninja-thugs *or* us breaking out into a Thanksgiving-oriented song sequence... YAKKO: Gee, Dot, you should leave the writers with *something* to work with... (They enter the supermarket....the store's background music is "Sweet Love" by Anita Baker.) YAKKO: (Observing the store music) Hey, at least it ain't elevator music! WAKKO: Oh, goody! Cake frosting! (Wakko runs towards the frosting, while the rest of our heroes ponder their plans) DOT: Guys, I have a hunch about how our message could be spread! AXEL: (Flatly) Will it involve (bleep)ing space-time distortion? DOT: No, it actually involves busting into the back offices of this establishment to find the Thanksgiving food, and then bringing it back out for sale! AXEL: Hey, not a bad idea! I'm up for it! DOT: Good, because you're going solo on this one! (Dot pinches Axel's cheek) AXEL: WHAT THE (BLEEP)? I THOUGHT WE WERE A (BLEEP)ING TEAM! (An angry old woman comes up behind Axel) OLD WOMAN: How dare you speak that way in a public place? And in front of *children*?!? (She gives Axel a swift kick in the behind) AXEL: OW! You (bleep)ing old biddy! Okay, you want me to do this solo? Fine, but you'll owe me...*BIG TIME*! YAKKO: Alright, but really, how dangerous could it be? (Dissolve to a few minutes later. Axel's wandering around with his gun. The "Animaniacs" variant on "Axel F" plays in the background. Shifting his eyes back and forth, he hopes for nothing bad to happen. All of a sudden, he slips on some ketchup and goes sliding across the floor.) AXEL: (Bleep)! (Axel crashes into a female-looking figure. He looks up, and then we go inside his mind as his eyes bug. We see a trickle of sweat, a hammer, and a demonic-looking pair of lips saying "Why did you do that?". He comes to). SORT-OF-A-MYSTERY WOMAN: Remember me, Axel? AXEL: Oh my God! It wasn't a dream! (Axel then gets a swift punch to the head. He's been cold-cocked by this Sort-Of-A-Mystery-Woman. As she runs off, we cut back to the Warners) DOT: And so that's why you need to put the Thanksgiving items. People love to eat this stuff, and if it you price it low enough, they'll buy like maniacs! STORE OWNER: Okay, you've got a deal! Let me get the items! (As the store owner, the Warners, Barney and Fred walk to the back, they stumble across Axel's face-down body). DOT: Ooh, employee laying down on the job! (Dot turns him over, and...) DOT: AXEL! ARE YOU OKAY?! (Dot shakes him) WAKE UP! WAKE UP! YAKKO: Better call an ambulance! WAKKO: Better call his parents! (Cut to a few minutes later. An ambulance rushes out of the Kroger parking lot, with Fred's car not far behind. Meanwhile, we cut back to California. The Brain's team is seen exiting "Stats-The Best Sports Bar In Cali" after handing out their promotional goodies to the bar's patrons. From the bar, we can hear the song "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.) BRAIN: (Exiting the bar with the others, waving) *No*, thank *you*! Trust me....this won't be a broadcast you'll want to forget! PINKY: Oooh, that was fun Brain! I even got to play on the pool table! (Scratches his head) Though there wasn't any water,though. BRAIN: Well, we can't all get what we want in life, Pinky... PINKY: You mean like your desire to take over the world being thwarted time and agai--- BRAIN: (Clasps Pinky's nose) Enough of that, Pinky. (Lets go, with Pinky's snout snapping back in place) BILLIE: *Ahem*... BRAIN: Oh, don't you start...besides, we've still got more work to do! BILLIE: Like luring some *families* into watching this big game? There's more than just guys who like football, Eggy. BRAIN: I suppose so... (With a PatB-theme rendition of the "The Age of Aquarius" playing, we see the mice going all around the San Francisco area trying to attract various groups of people into watching the Big Football Game....among others, we see: the family from "Full House" talking to the gang, with Brain making retching motions over the saccharineness of the Olsen Twins, with Billie telling them that football's a "vital part of family wholesomeness and togetherness". In Berkeley, a group of hippies being told that there'll be a rising of a "new age of enlightenment, peace and love" if they watch the football game's halftime show. Cut to a shot of two people who resemble TV's "Dharma and Greg" that they'll see both "a new age of enlightenment *and* masculine, hard-hittin' gridiron action."...with Pinky adding "and a big-headed mouse, NARF!" Cut to several people in Chinatown, where Brain and Billie (speaking in Chinese) urge the group that Thanksgiving is a time for "all Americans, regardless of background, class, or whatnot, to come together and gorge on excessive food and watch the Saints-Jets game on TV"; Jackie and Tohru look at the two mice's linguistic talents with shock, while Pinky laughs idiotically while eating fortune cookies. We also see Brain and Billie deliver the same speech to a group of African-American youths in Oakland, and to a group of men in a restaurant near downtown; however, one of the men (who resembles Jack from NBC's "Will and Grace") asks if they could "repeat what they just said, but in *English* this time". Brain and Billie grin in embarrassment. Finally, we see the gang take a trolley car back to where they parked the van...) BRAIN: Y-E-E-S! Our plan is working like a charm! PINKY: Would that be pink hearts or purple horseshoes? NARF! BRAIN: Not the precise analogy I had in mind, Pinky...but I suppose it'll suffice. BILLIE: What now, Brain? We reached everyone in this town from deadheads to hip-hop-heads to that restaurant with those Cher fanatics...so what now?! BRAIN: On to the rest of the country...next stop: the midwest! PINKY: Naarf...why there, Brain? BRAIN: After that run-in with "Team Ninja", I think it's best that we spread out away from the coast...New Yorkers are so inclined to think of only the coastal areas of the U.S., that they probably won't think to try stalling us by looking in the midwest...the whole "flyover country" mentality that plagues Hollywood and Madison Avenue. PINKY: Does that explain why all those TV sitcoms take place in New York City, Brain? BILLIE: Or why a snowstorm that strikes the east coast is treated
with more worthless hype than if it happened in, say, Indiana? (Cut away from the mice, to the Warner half of the team in the midwest...we see Fred's car is parked in front of a hospital. Inside, we see the Warners, Fred, and Barney are all gathered around Axel's bed, where Axel is resting in a comatose state, with giant piles of flower wreaths (that have "Rest in Piece" scrawled all over them) piled next to the Cursing One....the Warners are all wearing black funeral-type clothes. We see hooked up to Axel's arm is one of those pulse monitor machines...) WAKKO: (Sniff) Is he...gonna make it? YAKKO: (Sniff) Heard he might not.... DOT: (Sniff) This is so *unfair*! He was so---middle aged!!! (Sobs hysterically) *Please*, Axel *has* to make it!! If only there was something we could *do*! (Continues sobbing; a caption at the bottom of the screen reads "Academy judges, remember this scene come next year!") YAKKO: Gee, this is a Thanksgiving special, isn't it---so shouldn't there be some sort of magical Thanksgiving type of person we could call up for help the way we had that magical elf last Christmas?! DOT: (Stops sobbing) Sounds crazy enough to work... YAKKO: Sounds just plain crazy to *me*....but it's worth a shot! DOT: So where do we find a magical Thanksgiving-oriented person? FRED: Don't look at me, sister....we only see the Great Gazoo come reunion specials and for the staff meeting for consultin' on that awful "Viva Rock Vegas" movie thing... BARNEY: Yeah, and besides, the fans told us if he's ever shown again, well....the rest probably isn't repeatable for you kids. DOT: Great....so now what? WAKKO: (Snaps his fingers) I know! We could sing a big Thanksgiving song! DOT: How will that work? WAKKO: Dunno....it'd be fun though. YAKKO: Fine with me... (The Warners begin singing, to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"...) WARNERS: (Singing) Old McDonald's™ bought a farm, E-I-E-I-O! DOT: (Singing) And on this farm they had a chick.... WAKKO: Chicken McNuggets? (Licks his lips) DOT: (Annoyed) *No*.... YAKKO: (Singing, cutting in) ---the hottest chick I know! With a curve over here, and a curve over there----- DOT: (Annoyed) OK, that's *it*! Let's face it...there *are* no Thanksgiving songs.... WAKKO: But we needed to summon up a magical being! VOICE: (From behind the group) Did somebody say, "magic"? DOT: (Groans) Not *this* bit again....look, pal, if you're trying to horn in on this mission of ours as "being here to help", you can just...forget...it.... (Dot's voice trails off, as they all turn around and see who said that...it's none other than (and drawn in his classic "Superfriends" style)...) AQUAMAN: Yes, it is *I*----*AQUAMAN*! (We hear his cheesy 60's Filmation theme song start up) Aquaman....swift and powerful monarch of the ocean! *AQUAMAN*....defender of the sea against the forces of evil! AQUAMAN---*KING OF THE SEVEN SEAS*! (The cheesy theme music ends, as we see the sibs get all excited) WAKKO: Wow! Aquaman....here?! DOT: Can't believe it...he's *dreamy*. (Jumps into the sea monarch's arms and lays a big kiss on him) HELLOOOOO, NURSE! YAKKO: The coolest guy who ever swam really fast and talked to fish is *here*! (Sees that he has both hands intact) Aaahhh, but where's your hook-hand? Thought you had some groovy new look... AQUAMAN: Left it at home...lousy thing makes me look like some reject from the "Pirates of the Caribbean" display at D*sneyworld...stupid hack writers. Besides, it was chafing my arm. (Sees the others, and clears his throat). Anyway, I'm.... DOT: Here to help, yeah, we know. (Sighs dreamily some more) Anyway, I was wondering.... (looks at Axel for a moment, then turns her attention back to Aquaman) Are those muscles really capable of withstanding the crushing ocean depths? AQUAMAN: (Chuckles) Well, I don't like to *brag*, but... YAKKO: Hate to interrupt this, Dot, but what about Mr. Potty Mouth over here? AQUAMAN: Right! Step aside, and let the great and powerful Aquaman handle this! (Looks around) Um...we aren't located near any bodies of water, are we? (The others shake their head no) AQUAMAN: He wouldn't really happen to be a form of aquatic life capable of obeying my telepathic will, would he? WARNERS: Uh-uh. YAKKO: Though his career's spent plenty of time underwater.... DOT: Along with his English grades---all below "C" level. (Rimshot noise is heard) AQUAMAN: Drats....well, I suppose *that* will have to do. (He points to a tank full of various fish within the room. As the others watch, Aquaman uses his cool telepathic powers to summon up the various fish in the tank...they all begin to flop around, before they all leap out of the tank and smack Axel in the face. We see the clam in the tank begin to flop about as well, before it jumps out the tank, clamping Axel square on the nose. Axel yelps, and leaps up towards the ceiling before crashing back down to the bed. He yanks the clam off his nose, and clutches it in great, explitive-filled pain.) FRED: (Bending down to pick it up) Check it out, Barn---a new electric shaver! Quick----where's a beehive so I can fill this thing with some bees?! BARNEY: Sweet, Fred... (chuckles) WARNERS: HE'S ALIVE! AXEL: (Clutching his nose) AND IN GREAT (BLEEP)IN' PAIN! First that (bleep) woman puts me in here, now I'm woken up by---by---- (sees Aquaman) some (bleep) loser who swims (bleep)in' fast and talks to (bleep) fish?! How long have I been out for, since you (bleeps) are clearly startin' that "get a zillion bunch of miscellaneous characters for (bleep)in' help" (bleep) again?!? DOT: He's back to normal.... YAKKO: Or *ab*normal, in his case. AXEL: Aw, (bleep) you! (Throws a goldfish at Yakko, bouncing off his head and landing on Aquaman's shoulder) AQUAMAN: (Hearing its gasps) Great Neptune! I've got to save Goldy! (Waves to the others) Sorry, gotta run....must....save...goldfish! (With the closing notes of his theme music playing, he races out the room, yelling "Nurse! Three quarts of water and an aquarium filter, STAT!") DOT: (Sighs dreamily) Why can't all our help be like that? YAKKO: You mean by *not* hanging around after they make their obligatory lame one-joke cameos? FRED & BARNEY: HEY! YAKKO: See? DOT: Well, as soon as Axel's dressed, we can check outta here and hit the road... (But as our friends celebrate Axel's miraculous recovery at the hands of the Aquatic Avenger, we pull back to see that outside the hospital in some bushes lurks....) MIKEY: Dang, Sheryl....those landings *hurt*! SHERYL: Sorry....told you to use Griffino to inflate his air bag, but *noooo*.... "gotta be a man like Hok Fu"... HOK FU: Real men do not need air bag....LAND LIKE CAT ON ITS FEET!SHERYL: Oh, hush....(points up to a window) Look up there! It's those animated jerks and that deadbeat cop! MIKEY: Isn't he a politician now? HOK FU: THOUGHT HE WAS LAME ACTOR! "HARLEM NIGHTS" AS UNFUNNY AS MUTE HYENA! GRIFFINO: (Clicks in agreement) SHERYL: Well, *duh*....but anyway, we've got to follow them and take them out! And *I* have, as usual, another plan.... (the "Team" slinks off....soon, we see Axel and the others get into Fred's car.) YAKKO: We were worried there, Axel... AXEL: You were? DOT: Sure... somebody has to help Fred be the "engine" for the car! (All three sibs kiss Axel, who looks mortified.) AXEL: I...er....we....awww, (ble)--- (We cut away from his umpteenth curse word, as they make their way down the road, courtesy of Fred's (and Axel's) two feet...) AXEL: (Huffing a bit) Hate to pry, but do you know where the (bleep) we're goin'?! DOT: Massachusetts....thought we'd try our luck with some supermarkets there! WAKKO: Faboo! Clam chowder and seafood! AXEL: Don't mention seafood... (picks a fish still lying on his shoulder, and flicks it away) (Cut to commercials for various heavily-hyped Christmas related stuff involving Pokemon---we see various Poke-creatures in holiday colors/clothing doing their attack moves on each other. Then cut back to the story....where we see the Warner crew is somewhere on an Ohio highway. Axel's running to operate the car, and running out of breath as well. Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" is playing on the car radio...) AXEL: (Bleep)us (Bleep), I don't know how much longer I can take this (bleep)! Fred, how the (bleep) do you do this?! FRED: Well, running from Wilma's abuse does well for me! AXEL: What the (bleep) did you say? FRED: I'll admit it! I'm whipped! She's the boss of the house, and she beats me up for all that I do! *She's* Ralph Kramden, and she follows through on the threat to get me "Pow! Right in the kisser!". 12 surgeries, including 1 plastic! 3 knocked-out teeth! 2 broken bones! When it comes to whipped and abused husbands, I've gotten the same surgery as Tim Allen and Ray Romano! I run from the house, yet I have to come back time and again, or we have no future retreads of the show! AXEL: Fred, once this mission is done...promise me you leave Wilma for good and get a different woman! BARNEY: Hey, Fred, how come you never told me this? FRED: Because you would just joke about it! AXEL: I'm tired! Let's stop this (bleep)ing car! (The car pulls to a stop on the highway) AXEL: Yakko, Wakko, Dot... WARNERS: Yeeeeeeees? AXEL: Enough is enough! You're using your feet now, and I'm relaxing! It's your turn! YAKKO: But Axel... AXEL: (Low, growling voice) Do it now, or I'm abandoning these (bleep)ing adventures...and *YOU THREE*...permanently! Capice? YAKKO: If that's the way you're gonna be, then we're not moving! AXEL: Fine! YAKKO: Fine! AXEL: Lazy (Bleep) ... YAKKO: Jerk! AXEL: Stupid (Bleep)! YAKKO: Nitwit! I never thought I would do this when you were our friend! (Yakko grabs a rope that dropped out of nowhere. All of a sudden, Axel is flattened by an anvil. He crawls out and faints.) YAKKO: Okay, maybe that was uncalled for! I'm sorry, but Axel...you have to apologize, too! (No response) YAKKO: Axel? (No response) YAKKO: Axel! DOT: Not again! YAKKO: Indeed! (Yakko, all of a sudden, removes his head to reveal)... DOT: A robot skeleton? Wait a minute, if you're not Yakko, then... (We hear a voice in the background that sounds too familiar...the others look up in the sky and find...) YAKKO: (In a helicopter) Help! They got me! They're taking me away! SHERYL: (Putting a hand over Yakko's mouth) Shut up, puppy brat! Next stop, Massachusetts! Team Ninja is flying off again! (The helicopter zooms away) WAKKO: (Wearily) Hospital again? DOT: (Equally wearily) Those are the looks of it! Can we hold out 'til Massachusetts? FRED: I don't know! (They load into the car, and race down the highway, with appropo dramatic music playing in the background....) (More commercials play, with recycled stock footage of the Warners singing and dancing in place to promote the Kids WB's action-oriented Christmas show lineup of shows....adding to the humiliation is seeing Lou Bega singing with them....) (Cut back to the story, and fade in on the mice...we the van pull over to the side of the highway. From inside, we hear Brain state sardonically, "Tohru, would you care to escort our 'guests' outside?" We soon see a myriad of characters tossed out of the van: the cast of "The Producers", everyone that the mice interviewed in San Francisco, Henry Kissinger, a Little League baseball team, several players for the Indiana Pacers, and three mimes. The van then quickly takes off down the road, burning rubber doing so...) KISSINGER: Drat. I was hoping this would be the pinnacle of my career. (To the others) Anyone want to go have an expresso? (the others nod in agreement, and take off...) (Back in the van...) BILLIE: That wasn't very nice, Eggy....besides, Pinky was just trying to be *nice*.... BRAIN: I didn't hire Tohru and Jackie just for ninja-thug protection. Your point? BILLIE: (Flatly) None. Just makin' the observation. (Frowning, she peels a "Flagstaff Cacti Little Leaguers Rule!" sticker off her back....) Especially considering that we have *more* than enough "help" already, I guess there's no need to inflate the story's cast size even moreso than it already is.... BRAIN: *Precisely*. Now that that's settled, let's be on our way.... (We suddenly hear a cell phone ring. Brain reaches into his fur "pockets", and pulls out a mouse-sized cell phone. He answers it.) BRAIN: Hello? (Split-screen; the other half is seen to be Dot; the sounds of of the Flintstone-mobile can be heard) DOT: Brain? Dot here.... BRAIN: How goes your half of the mission? Is the public able to obtain cheap Thanksgiving foodstuffs? DOT: Well, yes and no. Mostly no. Sometimes yes, but... BRAIN: *Ahem*.... DOT: Oh, yeah....well, let's see: we went to the supermarket, Wakko ate a lot of frosting, Axel got knocked out and sent to the hospital, Aquaman showed up and brought 'im back to life, Axel swore like a sailor, we tried to sing, and---oh, yeah, you won't believe this----we ran into some losers calling themselves "Team Ninja". Can you believe it? BRAIN: *TEAM NINJA*?! We ran into them in San Francisco, as well....Mikey, Sheryl, some psychotic ninja named Hok Fu, and that wretched brat Stewie Griffin's robot, Griffino.... DOT: Yep, thanks for the cast recap....now, then, here's another goody: they kidnapped Yakko. Apparently they're headin' for Massachusettes like we were...oh, and they knocked Axel out again. But I think he's comin' around.... (Pan over to see Axel, still slightly dazed, has a bag of ice on his head, and is popping some aspirin.) BRAIN: Very well, then...looks as if we'd better head in your general direction, then...unless you don't need our help... DOT: Please, what could possibly go wrong in an oh-so-typical outing like ours? You just keep doin' your half of the work, Brain, and us poor, defenseless kiddies will be fine. Besides, we've got cavemen to protect us! BARNEY: Sure thing, Dot....we won't let nothin' happen to you! FRED: You said it, pal.... BRAIN: Hmm....I still don't like the sounds of this. I think we'd better join you in Massachusettes...are you heading for Boston? DOT: Oooohhh, I *knew* something was in Massachusettes! Couldn't remember what, though..... BRAIN: (Slaps his face) We'll just meet all of there, where we'll regroup and head back to Burbank together. (Brain hangs up) BILLIE: The usual problems? BRAIN: *Yes*....though they don't sound as if they've picked up any extraneous characters save for Fred and Barney. Though they assured me that they could handle those "ninja thug" rejects, I told them we're heading for Boston to join them. PINKY: Oh, goody! This'll be so much fun! Um...they do have Chunk
E. Cheezy's there, don't they? BRAIN: (Sighs) To Beantown, Mr. Chan, and step on it.... (As they change course for Boston, we cut away from the mice, and to the Warners half of the crew some time later...we see that all the occupants in the car have fallen asleep, with Fred still awake and driving/providing the car's power; they all wake up....) DOT: (Groggy) *Yawn*.... hey, Fred, are we there yet? FRED: Don't worry, kids, we're almost there! YABBA-DABBA-DOO! BARNEY: Geez, Fred, not so loud....(yawns) At least, not till we get somethin' to eat---I'm starvin'! FRED: Patience, Bernard, patience...we'll get somethin' to eat soon! BARNEY: Gee, Fred, usually you'd stop off at a half dozen places by now, but I guess you must be on a diet or somethin'... WAKKO: (Looks at the scenery) Gee, Boston sure looks funny.... DOT: Yeah...didn't think it looked this tree-filled. But I guess that's New England for you... AXEL: (Rubbing his head, looking around) Geez, those anvils hurt like (bleep)! Good thing that aspirin's kickin' in, or I... (looks at the scenery) Say, guys....we were headin' for Boston, right? DOT: Right... AXEL: Then why the (bleep) did we just pass that sign readin' "Welcome to Rhode Island"? WAKKO: Uh....I dunno. Maybe we took a wrong turn? BARNEY: Hey, Fred....we missed the turn-off for Boston! DOT: And I appreciate you not pronouncing it "Bostone".... FRED: I know....but don't worry, Barn---it's a short cut! BARNEY: Longest short cut I've ever seen..... (The car continues down its path, however, we see it pass through several small Rhode Island towns...the gang looks a bit concerned....) DOT: OK, I *know* this isn't anywhere *near* Boston... Fred, are you sure we're goin' the right way? BARNEY: Yeah, Fred, maybe you should let me drive... FRED: Sure, we're goin' the right way.... (They pass a sign, which Wakko, with his head out the "window", tears off as his head hits it....) DOT: Wakko, are you all right? WAKKO: Sure.....but this sign isn't. (Takes it out of his mouth) Hey, look! DOT & AXEL: (Reading it) "Welcome... to.... Quahog". Quahog? Say, isn't that the town where----aw, geez! AXEL: OK, Fred, we're way off-course! Stop the car! FRED: Sure! (They pull to a stop in front of a very familiar looking house, and all get out...) DOT: I know we've seen this house before.... AXEL: Yeah....but where? BARNEY: OK, Fred, what's the joke? Why'd ya drag us to, uh, wherever here is? FRED: Joke?! (Laughs; however, his eyes turn fiery red, and his laugh grows more and more maniacal) The only joke around here is *YOU*! (Laugh becomes truly frightening, as Barney, Wakko, Dot, and Axel begin to shake...) BARNEY: Uh....F-Fred?! (Fred says nothing, but grabs all four of them in headlocks and drags them into the house...once inside, we see the foursome's faces look completely shocked, as they see....) STEWIE GRIFFIN: Hello...."puppy children". (Dum-Dum-DUUUUUMMMMM....) WARNERS & AXEL: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! BARNEY: Hey, Fred, w-what's goin' on here?! Why's that baby sound like those snooty guys on PBS? STEWIE: SILENCE! Your questions will be answered soon enough.... but first: a bit of self-gratifying laughter! (Laughs for awhile) Oh, this is *too* rich....you were so *stupid*! DOT: All right, you little brat--where's the real Fred? AXEL: And I bet you have somethin' to do with those "Team Ninja" (bleep)s! STEWIE: Hush, all of you! I shall endeavour to explain: you're all here for my plan of revenge! Yes, thwarting my various schemes of evil with your madcap merriment....but anyway, my plans are as follows: you shall all remain prisoner here until your rodent friends show up to play "hero". Once here, I'll capture them and release you to, well, these guys...I assume you know them? (Presses a button; a bookcase rotates, revealing....) AXEL: TEAM NINJA! You're working with Stewie?! SHERYL: That's right... MIKEY: We can have a little freelance work on the side, can't we? Besides, Plotz just cares about capturin' you guys....he didn't say *how*. And check it out---we captured both your little friend *and* your big one! (They step aside to reveal Yakko and Fred, tied up in toon-escape-proof ropes with festive Thanksgiving colors....) BARNEY: FRED! If that's Fred, than who...? STEWIE: Nothing more than recycled stock footage, my friends...with me controlling his voice via remote control! Oh, that was funny...Team Ninja switched El Lardo with this fake one back at that hospital, and none of you even noticed! (Laughs) And you even bought that whole "I'm beaten up by my abusive wife" story! (Laughs some more) DOT: *Knew* that "my wife hits me" dialogue sounded like somethin' from your lame show... STEWIE: Anyway, once we capture your mousey friends, we'll turn
you puppy-children over to Plotz for a handsome sum....and *I'll* hang onto the mice for
further personal torment! (Laughs) AXEL: (Struggling to break free from the fake-Fred's grip) Uh....unhh.... look, as soon as I get free, you're gonna get the spankin' of your (bleep) life! We're tryin' to save *Thanksgiving* here! STEWIE: Ooooh, there's a noble cause....save a holiday that involves me eating puree turkey while watching my esteemed patriarch scarf down food like some ravenous hyena before passing out on the couch...no thank you. DOT: Well, there's one flaw to your plan...the Brain doesn't know we're in Rhode Island. We told him we were going to Boston! STEWIE: Oh, *really*? Well, we'll see about *that*! (Presses another button on his remote, and we see a stock footage Dot enter the room, with a cell phone in tow; he uses the remote to make her dial it, and talk....) "DOT": Hello, Brain? We've gotten a bit lost along the way to Boston...uh-huh....we've stopped off at a little town in Rhode Island named Quahog...yeah, I know it sounds familiar....anyway, could you meet us there? Can't miss it---Fred's car is parked out front. Anyway, gotta go. Love ya lots! Ta-ta! (Hangs up, and dismisses the recycled stock footage of Dot) DOT: Hey! .... I *never* say "love ya lots"! STEWIE: Don't talk back to me! Or the only thing you'll be saying is your life story to St. Peter! Now then, we'll all just wait.... "Fred"? ("Fred" walks the foursome over to the Team Ninja guys, and we soon see them tied up as well....). AXEL: Great...this is just beatin' all (bleep) out of hangin' up turkey decorations for Thanksgivin'..... (In walks Stewie's family...) LOIS (the mother): Aw, look....Stewie's playing Cowboys and Indians! That's so cute...he's trying to get into the spirit of Thanksgiving! DOT: (to the others) *They're* celebrating Thanksgiving? How ironic that the one group of people we *want* to avoid in our promoting efforts... PETER (the Father): Ooooh, and you can tell that *this* one's a *redskin*....because he's wearin' a Detroit Lions jacket! (Does his inane laugh at his nonsensical remark, as the heroes all frown at him) AXEL: What kind of (bleep) joke was *that*?! (Bleep) you, ya sorry (bleep)in' (bleep)! We've seen your piece of (bleep) show---it's probably the least respectful piece of (bleep) to come down the pike in years! PETER: Hey, I'm not insensitive! I have *plenty* of respect for...um...you people. (Hands Lois his wallet, and signals for her to hide it, making Axel and the others more ticked off) But that's exactly the sort of thing I'd expect from---a dirty *Commie*! (Laughs inanely) AXEL: (Shaking his seat with annoyance/rage) (BLEEP)! I'M A U.S. (BLEEP)IN' CONGRESSMAN! PETER: Sure ya are....just like I'm sure that these three are here for more than pickin' fruit.... (Yells loudly) NO SPEAK ENGLISH, YES? YOU....PICK...FRUIT....WE....PAY..YOU....NICKEL...A...DAY! YOU...NOT...STAY...HERE....AND...DRAIN...OUR....RESOURCES..BY...BECOMING...CITIZENS! DOT: (In perfect Spanish, out of spite) (I think the only waste of resources is whatever ink was used to create *you*, pal....) YAKKO: (Also in perfect Spanish) (Agreed, Dot....but is it possible that this serves not a waste of resources, but a purpose by the cosmos to remind us to be on guard against the rise of such loathsome creatures?) DOT: (In perfect Spanish) (Perhaps so, Yakko...I think Pablo Neruda had something to say about this once....) PETER: (Laughs inanely (as if he had a different way of laughing, I know....)) You silly Mexicans...I'm sure whatever you said wasn't as important as what *I* said, since I *know* English.... (Pointless "Family Guy"-style aside with Peter trying to pass himself off as "Masterpiece Theater"'s host; cut back to this scene) OK, then, I'll just stick with watchin' some old "M*A*S*H" reruns and makin' witty comments about 'em! (Whispers) I think Klinger's....you know.... (makes stereotypical hand-swishing motion) (High pitched voice) Oooh-la-laaa.... (Shocked by this rampant idiocy, the others begin to scream and try to break free of their bonds, along with yelling for help....) LOIS: Let's go, dear....we'll let Stewie play with 'em while we go have a little snack in the kitchen...maybe they can stay for a few days.... PETER: OK, then.... (they exit, Peter laughing for no good reason) BARNEY: (Panicked by the sheer wave of outrageous stupidity) Aw, geez---I can't take this! We gotta get outta here! How'd *they* even get on TV anyway?! DOT: (Greatly annoyed) Don't ask.... (sighs) I just hope Brain gets here *soon*.... STEWIE: Indeed, Missy....as do *I*! (Dum-Dum-duuummm....) (More commercials play, promoting the big "Crass Hyperconsumerist Day After Thanksgiving" sale at various sponsors' stores....then cut back to the story....) (Cut to the Brain's van. Headed towards Quahog, everyone's in a state of wonderment about the situation. "Smuggler's Blues" by Glenn Frey is playing on the radio) BRAIN: (Singing along with the radio) There's trouble on the streets tonight/I can feel it in my bones (Speaking) Boy, this doesn't sound good. Quahog, to my understanding, has the highest hate crime rate in Rhode Island. BILLIE: How can you confirm that? BRAIN: Well, the incidents all spring from the...Griffin residence? Oh, no! BILLIE: Oh, c'mon, surely there's more than one Griffin family in Quahog. BRAIN: Let's test your assumption. Jackie, please stop at that diner up ahead. JACKIE: Okay, but how much apple pie can you eat? PINKY: I was thinking the same thing! POIT! BRAIN: We need to find a local phone book. Billie, how's the money situation? BILLIE: $500...is that OK? BRAIN: More than! I'll order some food for us. BILLIE: Wow, you eat at "greasy spoons". You sing along with Joan Jett songs. What's up with you? BRAIN: (Grave sounding) I'm trying to take it a little more easy now. Nothing wrong with some relaxation. I'm finally coming to realize that maybe I should just give up on my pursuit of World Domination. Every time I try, I fail spectacularly, and you and Pinky don't offer reassurance. You call me crazy, you fault my plans, you mess with my emotions...and it's finally gotten to me. I'm abandoning my world domination plan for this adventure, and abandoning my pursuits for all time. Billie, you're the genius and I'm the fool. I give up! BILLIE: (Excitedly) *REALLY*? (Catching herself, solemnly) Really? That's too bad. I don't know why you think it should end that way. BRAIN: (Sadly, with a hint of resentment) I just told you! BILLIE: No, you didn't! BRAIN: Oh, shut up! JACKIE: Guys, can we exit the van now? (It turns out they've been parked all this time) BRAIN: (Monotone) Very well. (Our heroes enter the diner. On a jukebox, the song "Crazy" by Patsy Cline is playing.) TOHRU: Waitress? (The waitress turns around, and it turns out to be news reporter Wendy Franchetti, from "Warner Academy 2: The Infant Strikes Back.") WENDY: Whaddya want, Tall, Fat and Handsome? TOHRU: Directions to the phone booth in this place...and a cup of coffee! WENDY: Okay, phone booths are by that Pac-Man machine. Make sure to use phone 2, because Phone 1 is on the fritz and Phone 3 has been disconnected. TOHRU: Thank you! Is there a phone book there? WENDY: Yeah, you'll recognize it. It has some dried apple-pie filling on it. BRAIN: Wendy? What are you doing here? WENDY: Well, Brain, I've been bouncing from station to station across the nation. PINKY: Hey, you're a poet and you don't know it! ZORT! WENDY: I know, I know. Anyway, times are tough because of this recession. I'm still reporting, but I also have to work as a waitress to make ends meet. How WGN and the Tribune Co. managed to land me at some podunk station in Rhode Island is beyond me. BRAIN: I was about to ask. You do know that we're only a few miles away from Stewie. WENDY: Painfully aware. That crude lardbucket Peter is always in here. He orders pie and makes suggestive remarks. He keeps grabbing my butt and says: "I was looking at the rump roast", then laughs like an idiot. Worst of all, he's taking his family here for Thanksgiving. I swear, that man is a monster, and his family equals his idiocy. With any luck, I'll be transferred to South Carolina soon. BRAIN: Why South Carolina? WENDY: It's just a nice and sunny place. Anything to escape here. BRAIN: I'd help, but we're on a mission to take down this Team Ninja contingent. WENDY: Sounds like something from your former network! BRAIN: *Don't* remind me. (Tohru reappears.) Ah, Tohru....is there more than one Griffin family in Quahog? TOHRU: No. Just the one. BRAIN: (Slaps his own forehead) Ugh, I need a drink! WENDY: Tell ya what! Cup of coffee...I'll foot the bill! BRAIN: Thank you! (Cut to some time later, after the gang's had their meal...) BRAIN: Well, the highway's a-calling. We have to leave. PINKY: Oh, but this hoop on the coffee cup is so fun to jump through! NARF! WENDY: Okay, that's 30 dollars! (Billie pays Wendy, plus leaves a sizable tip...) WENDY: Thank you! Good luck on your mission! BRAIN: Good luck to you! I hope you get to South Carolina. Who knows? I might join you there someday. (Whispers to Wendy) It's not like I'd be missed. (Pan over to Pinky and Billie, laughing insanely over something. Our heroes exit the diner and enter the van) BRAIN: Next stop, the Griffin residence of Quahog! (The van zooms into the night....) (More commercials play, promoting "the top 10 ways you can save money for Christmas stuff by not spending it on Thanksgiving junk" on the late local news.....) (Cut to the following morning, at the Griffin residence....we see that the heroes are all still tied up, while Stewie and "Team Ninja" are talking on the phone to Plotz...) STEWIE: That's right, Plotz...your hired goons and I have captured those wretched puppy-children of yours. We're prepared to send them back to Burbank for you to do with as you wish, as soon as you send payment....direct deposit, preferably. (Sounds on the phone of Plotz sounding elated) Wonderful! Very well, they'll be there by tomorrow.....(listens some more) Yes, I suppose someone else can sign for them if you're not home. Very well--ta-ta! (Stewie hangs up, and clasps his fingers together) Excellent! Soon, I shall have both the financial means to aid my world domination quest, *and* have the Brain in my clutches! MIKEY: Oooh, baby, we're gonna get *paiiiid*... this "Team Ninja" thing of yours has got to be the best idea you ever came up with! SHERYL: Aw, thanks, sweetie....being evil is so much hard work, ya know.... (they smooch) STEWIE: (Makes a face) Yeurgh...take that somewhere else! (He throws a pencil at them, breaking the romantic interlude up) Hormonally-challenged twentysomethings... (Pan over to Fred, Barney, and the sibs, still tied up....Peter's trying to "entertain" them by showing them his photo album) PETER: And, oh, yeah, this one's from when we went to the Museum of Radio and Television Broadcastin' in New York....y'know, they got every episode of "Amos and Andy" on tape there! (To Axel) I could watch that for hours, couldn't you, buddy? Eh? Eh? (Laughs inanely) AXEL: (His gag falling out) (BLEEP)! I'LL "AMOS AND ANDY" *YOU*, YA TASTELESS (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)IN' (BLEEP)----(Has the gag stuffed back in his mouth by Peter) PETER: Boy, no need to be insensitive, pal. Hey, I got it...why don't we watch some of the episodes together, huh? I borrowed the episodes from the Museum....and by "borrowed", I meant *stole*...and by *stole*, I meant....er, guess that's all I meant....I'll go pop 'em in the VCR, OK? And afterwards, we can go down by that youth counseling center and yell stuff at all the homeless, depressed, and gay kids.... (Practicing) "FREAKS!" That'll teach *'em*.... WAKKO: (Very frightened-sounding) Um...teach them what? PETER: For just bein' who they *are*! (Laughs inanely) (The held-hostage 'toons and Axel look deeply frightened and disturbed by all this; Axel's gag falls out his mouth, but he says nothing; his mouth is merely gaped open in shock) DOT: (Her gag falling out; shocked) Be afraid....be *very* afraid. STEWIE: Indeed, my dear.... (vicious-sounding) *INDEED*! (Dramatic notes strike) (Cut to the mice and their van, speeding towards Quahog....we see Billie and Pinky talking in one corner of the van, Brain sitting by himself singing along to the radio, and Jackie and Tohru in the front seats...) BILLIE: Pinks! We gotta get Eggy out of the funk he's in! The stress of all this must have caused him to snap at some point on this trip.... PINKY: Yeah....I've never seen Brain like this! His ambition-thingy's to take over the world, not eat pie and listen to lite rock music! (Pan over to see Brain sing along to "My Empty Hollow Head"...) PINKY: Naaarf... (sniff) BILLIE: Follow me... (they walk over to Brain) BRAIN: If you're trying to change my mind, don't bother....my mind's made up. BILLIE: But Eggy....don't you want the entire world to worship your every step? Making the Earth into a perfect paradise for all who live on it? BRAIN: At one point, I did...but I don't see the point. It occurred to me that no matter how well things are going with this plan to date, something will inevitably go wrong, and I'll be back in that lab cage, planning, ever so futilely, for tomorrow night...and the night after that....and the night after that...ad nauseum. BILLIE: But Eggy....(thinks, then says) if you *don't* take over the world, I'm sure there's others who'd love to.... BRAIN: Such *as*... BILLIE: Well, a certain football-head-shaped baby we're about to meet might want to... BRAIN: (Raises an eyebrow) *That* miscreant infant?! He's not fit to rule a *sandbox*! I'm a much more worthy ruler than he is... BILLIE: And, of course, if *he* didn't take over, I guess there's always, well... (tauntingly) little ol' *me*. BRAIN: (In shock) *WHAT*?! BILLIE: Really...I mean, I could probably take it over easily without breaking a sweat. That, and without failing miserably night after night to the point of obsession and not bein' able to think about anything else.... BRAIN: (Jumps up) Now see *here*! My "obsession" is merely the obvious factor that I am the Earth's rightful ruler! And once I take over the world, all of humanity will be better off under my rule! BILLIE: So, you really want to... BRAIN: As if there were any *doubt*... BILLIE: Fine... (shrugs) I didn't really want to take over the world, anyway.... BRAIN: Indeed..... as if you actually *had* the ability to pull it off. (Billie looks a bit annoyed by that insult, but decides to shrug it off....) Pinky! Get me my plans and pencil, and make reservations for the nearest Olive Gardener! PINKY: No more greasy...er, forks? POIT! BRAIN: *No*...only the best in chain-restaurant eating for us from now on! Tohru! Turn that light rock music off and put my John Lee Hooker tape on! Jackie! Step on it...we've got "puppy-children" to save...and a *world* to take over! BILLIE: (To Pinky) See? Nothing says "Egghead" like Eggy's ego....works every time. PINKY: (Scratching his head) "Ego"? I don't see any waffles lying around... BILLIE: (Giggles) Oh, Pinky... (The van speeds on, and soon, we see it pull up in front of the Griffin residence....) BILLIE: You sure this is it? BRAIN: (Glaring at the house) *Positive*. Let's go.... BILLIE: Hope this plan works.... (Brain glares at her) Er, not that I'd doubt whether any of your plans would *work*, of course... BRAIN: Trust me....it's guaranteed to work. Taking advantage of the unique "nature" of this family, the complete lack of suspense, lack of grasp on how to properly use irony, and their wretched "environment".... (Cut to the inside, where we see Peter's trying to shove one of the stolen "Amos and Andy" museum archive episode tapes into the VCR....Stewie eyes all this Peter-torture with great glee...) PETER: C'mon, ya stupid....! (The tape spools out of its case) Aw, *crud*! Must be Beta or somethin'... (tosses it aside, whips out another tape) But *this* time for sure! HEROES: (Scream) (Suddenly, the door bursts open, and we see Tohru, Jackie, and the mice enter.) BRAIN: (Eyeing Stewie) Let...them...*GO*. STEWIE: Ooooh, why if it isn't the brave little mousey! Come to rescue your little friends, did we? Well, *too late*! For you're now my prisoner! (Whips out his ray gun and aims it at Brain) Now come with me quietly....or screaming in agony, your choice. BRAIN: Of course, but first... (to Peter) Why, look outside? Isn't that the entire Rhode Island chapter of the NAACP? PINKY: (Talking as if reading from a script) Why, yes, and isn't that Nathan Lane, John Leguizamo, and the National Organization for Women with them too, ha-ha-say-something-nonsensical-here..... PETER: (Racing away from the TV) Whoa---*really*?! Can't wait to call them.... (Peter gets to the door, shoving the gang aside---and true to "Family Guy"'s laws of physics, all of these people are *indeed* outside their door....) JOHN LEGUIZAMO: Calling us...*what*? NATHAN LANE: The only thing freakish around here is.... PETER: The fact that you had your own sitcom? NATHAN LANE: Erm, yeah, but *besides* that....I meant, *YOU*, and this whole house! GET THEM! (We see they're all brandishing clubs, picket signs, and various other blunt objects, and they begin to storm into the house, knocking Stewie down and sending his ray gun flying down a stairwell...we soon see Peter being pummeled by various people, with several of them doing a few pro-wrestler moves to Peter. The heroes look greatly pleased...) YAKKO: Words cannot express how grateful for this we are.... FRED: You said it, buddy...now how about us gettin' out of this freakville? BRAIN: Indeed... (Tohru unties the kidnapped heroes, who immediately race to the Flintstones' car....) YAKKO: (Feverish) We're free...*FREE*! WAKKO: (Shivering) We...are...? DOT: There, there, Wakko...it's OK, now. Those freaks won't harm you or anyone else....at least until the next sweeps month, from the looks of things. (They see a lamp go flying through the Griffin living room window, along with Peter. He tries to escape, but several women drag him back inside....) (The other heroes head for the van, and instruct Fred that they get out of town as quickly as possible....we see the van's tires screech, and Fred's car's stone wheels do so as well, as both vehicles burn rubber/stone away from the Griffin house...through the chaos, Stewie and "Team Ninja" sees this..) STEWIE: (Annoyed) CURSE IT ALL TO A THOUSAND BLOODY DEATHS! (To the "Team") Quickly! To the escape pod! We've got to get those wretched characters! SHERYL: I dunno, I.... (shrieks, as a vase narrowly grazes her head) Erm, then again...let's get outta here! C'mon, gang! HOK FU: (Eyeing the mindless chaos) Awww..... SHERYL: Come on....we can engage in pointless violent fight scenes later against those kids, OK? HOK FU: (Sighs) Oh, OK... (We see Stewie press a button against the bookcase/former hostage center, and the bookcase transforms into a basket....we soon see the roof of the house part, as a giant balloon with a Stewie-shaped head emerges, and sails off into the distance....we see Stewie's on the phone with Plotz, telling him of their failure. Cut to Plotz, who's still on the "Jackie Chan" Christmas special set, where we see that Chandu (still inside his statue and with a Christmas-type red stocking cap) is talking to Seth, who's still speaking in his demonic voice tone (and is wearing a "Harry Potter Set Tour Security" shirt)....) SETH: Aw, c'mon, Uncle Chandu....this job sucks! Those kids on that movie set tour are the *worst*! You should've seen what they did to my other pair of shoes.... CHANDU: (Eyes glowing) Quiet, you! Don't forget who obtained your present employment for you....you should be grateful, you little... PLOTZ: (Yelling at both of them) WOULD BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP?! (Listens to the "Team"'s comments on his cell phone) WHAT?! I *knew* something was going to go wrong....well, follow *them*! I'll call back.... (Hangs up) Oh, what now.... CHANDU: Trouble, Plotz? PLOTZ: Of *course*...those lousy ninja-thugs managed to snag the help of that eggheaded little baby, Stewie Griffin, and *still* manage to mess things up! And just when I was planning to roll out the latest "Christmas Week" effort in Milwaukee, too---dollars to donuts those little brats are going to go there and ruin my beautiful plan! Ooohhh.... (Chews his fingernails rapidly) CHANDU: (Eyes glowing) *Milwaukee*? Hmm.... perhaps *I* can be of assistance. PLOTZ: How so? CHANDU: (Eyes glowing some more) It just so happens that two of my demonic second cousins happen to work in that city....one of them as the owner of an eating establishment, and the other the owner of a store. I could arrange to have them confront your foes and have them *taken care of*....for a *price*. PLOTZ: (Startled by the news of Chandu's relations) Demonic *second cousins*?! CHANDU: On my mother's side.... (Pan over to several Shadowkhan ninjas, standing around a water cooler...) NINJA #1: Yeah, I'm thinking of getting into one of those Jet Li movies. With the amount of special effects in those films of his, that "slink up behind 'em" bit we can do oughta make me a shoo-in...either that, or work as one of those "ninja thugs" in some future fanfic thing---I oughta fit in with that "right behind 'em" gag of those dog-like kids... NINJA #2: I'm thinkin' of working the concert security circuit after we finish production...(chuckles) just think of how cool it'd be to be hanging out backstage with Lenny Kravitz! (The two thugs high-five each other) CHANDU: (Annoyed) Quiet, the both of you! I'm not paying you to *talk*! (the two Ninjas slink off, annoyed....) (Muttering) I *knew* letting them watch "Total Request Live" on MTV in my trailer was a *mistake*... (To Plotz) Now, you were saying? PLOTZ: Erm....um, yes.... (Shakes his head, then raises an eyebrow) Wait a minute...."price"? What sort of price? CHANDU: (Eyes glowing) Hosting my own weekend of Kids' WB programming....with recycled stock footage of Jackie Chan getting repeatedly *pummeled*. And 5% of the take from this "Christmas Week" scheme of yours so I can finance my own project... PLOTZ: *5%*?! CHANDU: Yes....for my own anime feature. Japanese animators don't work cheap. PLOTZ: Erm..well...oh, *fine*! Deal! CHANDU: *Excellent*.... very well, dial this number... (Cut to a McDonald's™ in Milwaukee, where inside the manager's office, we see a demonic-looking guy in a white shirt with a tie and name tag reading "Igor, Manager". He answers the phone) IGOR: Yes? (Flatly) Oh, *Chandu*...what a *pleasant* surprise. Let me guess....need help standing up to your siblings again, or have you developed an actual *spine* by now? (Hears fire roaring) All right, tell me why you called....uhhuh... (listens some more) Uh-huh....(Annoyed) WHAT?! Those are the same guys who plagued every McDonald's™ from here to Burbank! They *won't* interfere with our Christmas promotions just to make room for their precious *Thanksgiving*.... don't worry, they'll be taken care of. (Hangs up) Yes, taken care of... (laughs sinisterly; yells out his office at some store employee talking to another worker) You there! Quit talking and work *FASTER*! (Eyes glow, and emit a beam that sets fire to a trash can near the guy) EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir.... (To his fellow worker) The boss seems to be in a pretty good mood today... (Cut to an "Enormo-Mart", one of those giant retail-and-grocery-stores-in-the-same-building sort of stores....we see the owner of this store, another demonic-looking guy with a name tag reading "Akom", is talking to Chandu...) AKOM: Do not worry, my demonic bretheren---er, second cousin. Those cretins will *not* destroy my profitable store with their Thanksgiving revelry. (Hangs up, and laughs sinisterly....) (Cut to the van and the Flintstone-mobile, working their way down the road...once again, Axel's helping power Fred's car, though he looks more relieved just to be getting away from Quahog/the grasp of the Griffins...) DOT: (Into a cell phone) So, where do we go now, Brain? I'd like to get as far away from Rhode Island as I can right now.... BRAIN: (Into his phone) I can't blame you, Dot. Well, while perusing this morning's newspaper, I discovered in the business section a giant effort being planned by Plotz to blitz the entire city of Milwaukee with their brand of crass commercialism! We'll head there, and thwart their efforts by attempting to spread Thanksgiving elements....now, onward to Milwaukee! (The vehicles speed down the road, cuing yet another typical Fanfic Montage: stops at various Olive Gardener restaurants (with Wakko longing for M*ckeyD's), the Warners harassing Axel and Fred with various old *and* new gags of theirs, etc. etc. Soon, we see both vehicles speed down the highway, entering the city of....) PINKY: (Gasps) Naaarf....Milwaukee is so...so..... BILLIE: (Shrugs) Midwestern? PINKY: Yes! NARF! (Points out a window) Look! The Harley Davidson factory! BILLIE: (Excitedly) And the Milwaukee Brewers' stadium! (Cut to a shot of the siblings skipping down a sidewalk, dressed in 50's-style clothes....) WARNERS: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight--- MR. DIRECTOR: (Standing in front of them on the sidewalk) Schlameel! Shlamatza! Freudlaidenhoivenshoil! (The sibs look at each other, and shrug, as we fade into a parody rendition of the "Laverne and Shirley" theme song....we zoom in on a clock tower....) WARNERS: (Singing, voiceover) (A final shot of the sibs trying to pedal a bicycle, of which Tohru is seated on the handlebars, only to topple over. Fade to black, and to a residence in Milwaukee....fade in, to see the residence's family at the dinner table, with the family bearing a strong resemblance to the Cunningham family of "Happy Days" fame....) FATHER: (Eating meatloaf) Dear, why can't you find any turkeys on sale? Thanksgiving's only a few days away! MOTHER: I know, dear, but for some reason, all I see at the grocery store's a ton of Christmas merchandise....very strange. REDHEADED SON: Yeah, mom....Potzie and the guys couldn't find a single can of cranberry sauce. Weird.... FATHER: Well, at least this meal's conventional.... (we hear a knock at the door....) Oh, for goodness sakes, why don't those salesman come back after dinner hours? (He opens it, only to find the heroes all on the doorstep) AXEL: Are you the man of the house? FATHER: Why, yes, I am... AXEL: (Holds his ID) Axel Foley, US Congressman. These are my associates. (They all wave) We're here to help ensure that Thanksgiving isn't eradicated in Milwaukee. FATHER: Eradicated? Does this have something to do with why the stores don't have any turkeys on sale? BRAIN: Hmph...it's worse than I thought. Plotz is moving quickly...tell us, where do you do your grocery shopping? MOTHER: (Walking over) At the Enormo-Mart... BRAIN: Could you take us there? FATHER: I dunno...this is all very unusual! MOTHER: Oh, come now, dear....it's no more unusual than letting Fonzie waltz in whenever he feels like it....or hang out with our son....and there must be *some* reason why these people....(eyeing the sibs)...erm, whatevers.... (the sibs frown) are the only ones who seem to remotely care! BRAIN: No one else even is taking notice? Looks as if Milwaukee will be a tougher nut to crack than I figured.... MOTHER: Please, dear? FATHER: (Sighs) Very well....let's get going...I'll warm up the Rambler. (To his daughter) Get your coat, sweetie...we're going to the store. DAUGHTER: But Chachi's coming over.... FATHER: Well, take a raincheck....nobody's cheating *me* out of my right to have all the affordable bread rolls and pumpkin pie I can eat! (The family and heroes all head for the Enormo-Mart, unaware of the evil that lies in store...get it? "In store"? And it's a *store*? And....oh, forget it....) (Cut to commercials, pushing a video of one of the zillion Flintstones' Christmas specials....) (Fade into the parking lot of the Enormo-mart in Milwaukee.... the Warners and co. are seen standing in the lot in front of their various vehicles.) BRAIN: Well, gang, here we are. Upon entry of the store, we're going to look for people who need the Thanksgiving message...with the exception of your family, Mister... FATHER: Mr. Cunningham, thank you. BRAIN: Right, you and your family just try and shake down the store manager for some Thanksgiving food. They *are* holding out on you. Remember what happenned a few states away from here, Axel? AXEL: (Tiredly) Shut the (bleep) up...I don't want to be reminded of it. YAKKO: (To the Cunninghams) He took a beating, and almost died. We never figured out who did it, though! AXEL: I tell ya, it was that woman from my nightmare! She's real! She's (bleep)ing real! WAKKO: Do they sell sedatives here? MOTHER: Yes, next to the double-king-sized cans of cake frosting! WAKKO: More cake frosting? Yay! (They all enter the store, then part ways after the security monitors. All throughout the store, a cheesy Muzak version of "Weird Al" Yankovic's song "The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota" is playing on overhead speakers.) BRAIN: Now...Yakko, Wakko and Dot, you're working the home entertainment areas. Axel, you'll be patrolling the auto parts section. Jackie and Tohru, you're in clothing. PINKY: Well, of course, Brain! If they weren't, they'd be naked! NARF! BRAIN: I'll deal with you in a moment. (Shakes his head) I meant, you'll work the clothing section with Barney and Fred. As for myself, Pinky and Billie, we'll make our way to the P.A system, and get the message out that way. Okay...now go! (Our heroes split up. The Warners are fiddling around with various gaming systems and talking to customers about the fun of viewing Thanksgiving football games on big-screen TVs.) DOT: Oh, sure, you *could* use your big-screen TV for that Yule Log videotape, but wouldn't you rather see football teams fighting it out on an 80 inch screen instead? CUSTOMER: Yeah, you're right. It is too early to celebrate Christmas. (Wakko splits from the group, upon sight of a suspicious pile of blue video cases. He walks over and...) WAKKO: Oh no! It sold that poorly? (Yes, it's 500 copies of "Wakko's Wish", left over from the holidays of several years ago. Above it is a sign that reads "We need to get rid of these videos. More Pokemon is on the way. Buy, barter, steal, hold us up at knifepoint...just help us get rid of these videos. Pretty pretty please? It'll make a great Christmas present!") WAKKO: (Slightly distraught) Yakko, Dot...you have to see this! YAKKO: What's up, Wakko? (Sees the overstock) Boy, what a way to go out. DOT: Look on the bright side...um, er, ooo, uh...Okay, you got me! There is no bright side! YAKKO: What's this sticker? "Featuring those lovable spokespeople for 'Pokemon'?" What, I'm nobody's spokesperson now! DOT: Let's just walk away! (Cut away from this, and to Fred and Barney, who've made their way to the home appliances section instead of the clothing section...they stare at the devices oddly...) FRED: Gee, what strange-lookin' stuff they got here. (Picks up a blender) What d'ya suppose this thing does, Barn? BARNEY: Beats me, Fred....maybe it's some sorta megaphone? (Picks up the pitcher and tries to talk into it) HELLO? FRED: Pretty sorry megaphone, if ya ask me. (Picks up a toaster) Says here this is supposed to be a toaster....but I don't see any tiny dragon inside makin' the fire to cook the toast! BARNEY: Yeah, and they call this a *microwave*?! Where's the electric eel inside to cook the food? Boy, this sure is a strange place.... FRED: You said it, pal. Bet they don't even got any baby elephants bein' sold in the vaccuum cleaner section.... (Move away from Fred and Barney's disappointment with the modern world, and fade to Axel....he's looking for people in the parking lot next to the auto shop. All of a sudden, an engine in a car thunderously starts up. Axel turns around, and his jaw drops. He starts to run, out of fear of being run over. That female figure appears again). SORT-OF-A-MYSTERY-WOMAN: Come back here and take it like a man, you son-of-a-(bleep)! (Axel runs into the store, chased by the car. Background music-"I Can't Turn You Loose" by the Blues Brothers Band. He runs into clothing.) JACKIE: Now, as you can see, these suits are perfect for Thanksgiv---(sees Axel and the car barreling towards him) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Jackie flips to avoid Axel's hyper-speed running. The clothing section is torn up and knocked down) TOHRU: Um...Do we hold a fire sale now? (Cut to Yakko, Wakko & Dot, engaging a few people in conversation about football and food, when they turn around and see...) YAKKO: Axel, what are you doing here? AXEL: She's coming to kill me! (He races through, followed in close step by the runaway car. Cut to the Cunningham family, who're trying to get some turkey and stuffing from one of the store employees...) FATHER: Now, give us the food, or we'll never shop here again! AXEL: (Running by as the food aisles fall down) I may never live again! (Axel comes to a sudden stop to catch his breath. The car does, too, ramming into Axel, sending him flying through the air and crashing head-first into a glass mirror. Axel falls down...). AXEL: (Dazedly screaming) Is there a problem, medics? (He then passes out. The Warners and the rest come running) YAKKO: Not again! (Yakko checks him out) Great, knocked out...for the third time! (Cut to Akom, watching this all from the back) AKOM: (Demonically) Ha ha! A "Three-KO"! If that crash doesn't kill him, I don't know what will! y girl's done good! Now to get the rest! MINION: Um, not to bug you, sir, but they're already on their way to the hospital! AKOM: (Furiously) WHAT? I THOUGHT I COULD GET THEM! BAH...NO MATTER...MY BROTHER HAD BETTER COME THROUGH! (Cut to the hospital. Axel is once again on life support.) YAKKO: You know, his constant injuries are starting to irritate me. FRED: Oh, come now, he's on the death line, and you still can't find a nice thing to say about him?! DOT: Well, he has good foot power. Say, do you feel like we're forgetting a few people? (Cut back to the Enormo-Mart, its insides now in ruins. Brain, Pinky and Billie peer out over it all) PINKY: This isn't good! NARF! AKOM: (Demonic Voice, lurking in a shadow) You'd better believe it! Think I'll call my brother Igor to come over and help out on this one....save him the risk of seeing *his* restaurant torn apart like my Enormo-Mart has been. (Yells at a few minions to get to work cleaning up....). (Cut back to the hospital, where the rest of the gang stand over the comatose Axel...) YAKKO: (Showing Axel's congressional medical plan to his sibs) Check out this copayment and tell *me* they can't give us mere mortal taxpayers universal health care... MRS. CUNNINGHAM: Oh, that poor Mr. Foley....it's too bad we can't do anything to help him.... VOICE: (From behind the group) Who *says* we can't? (All turn around, and find standing there...) ALL: THE FONZ?! FONZ: (With his thumbs-up gesture; 50's-style doo-wop music plays in the background) Heeeeyyy...you're correct-a-mundo! I, Arthur Fonzarelli, got wind of what was goin' down at that Enormo-Mart thingamajig.... DOT: (Eyeing Fonzie dreamily, them jumps into his arms) And you came down here to help, all heroic-like? (Sighs) FONZ: Hey, little lady....do *not* touch the Fonz unless he asks. DOT: (Removing her hands) Aww.... FONZ: (Shrugs) All right, I'm askin'... (Dot clutches him again) Now then, let's eye the situation here.... WAKKO: The nice doctor-person says that he's in a deep coma.... YAKKO: Yeah, and this time, no sign of any superheroes around here... MR. C: Well, how do we wake him up? BARNEY: Gee, well, when my Magnarocks TV set's on the fritz, givin' it a whack with my club often helps.... (whips out a club) YAKKO: Aaaaaahhhhh....no. DOT: We could make him look all *adorable*! YAKKO: How will that help? DOT: Help with what? FONZ: I think I know what to do here....step aside, everyone. Time for Dr. Fonz to go to work... (as the 50's doo-wop music plays, Fonzie walks over to Axel's bed, sticks out his elbow, and gives a whack in Axel's forehead. Axel sits up, clutching his head....) ALL: AXEL! AXEL: (Grabbing his forehead) You're (bleep) right I am! (Looks around) (BLEEP)! I'm in the (bleep)in' hospital again! What a pain in the (bleep)in' (bleep).... FONZ: (Shrugs, sarcastically) You're *welcome*... AXEL: Ah, shove it, "Monty"... (gets out of the bed) Can we get goin' before Tom Daschle has a (bleep)in' cow over my medical bills?! JOANIE: (Covering her face) Sure, Mr. Foley....but, um, could you change into some clothes first? That hospital gown isn't very flattering... AXEL: (Stares down at his gown, and grumbles... the sibs snicker) (Cut to some time later, as we see Igor show up at the Enormo-Mart...he's greeted by Akom.) AKOM: Ah, my demonic bretheren, how goes it? IGOR: (a bit annoyed) Sure, fine, whatever....let's just get this over with. Lousy Chandu sticking us with his work....no wonder his brothers and sisters give him the cold shoulder...thinks he's such a "big shot" Hollywood actor. All right, who're we wiping out? AKOM: From what I can tell, the doglike infidels hauled the screaming, cursing infidel off to the infidel....er, hospital. Apparently leaving behind their three rodent friends. IGOR: Mere *mice*?! What threat can they pose for us? We who are of demonic stock! Two of the most fearsome beings in all creation! AKOM: (Proud) Yes! Our importance truly cannot be matched! (Sees a minion hand him an re-order form for two cases of mouthwash; he signs it, initials two boxes, and hands it back to the minion) Erm...let's go get started. IGOR: We shall, as soon as their foes I was contacted by arrive....some beings calling themselves "Team Ninja". (Akom looks at him perplexed) I know, sounds like something from those videos you sell... (Cut over to the mice, standing near the entrance of the Enormo-Mart....Brain's talking into a cell phone) BRAIN: Excellent....see you here. (Hangs up) Axel's made a rapid and "miraculous" recovery, *again*....apparently to the help of a Mr. Fonzarelli. They'll be back here soon... PINKY: Um, how soon? AKOM: (Off-screen) NOT SOON ENOUGH! (The mice turn and see the presence of both Akom and Igor, with their eyes glowing....they shoot a few energy beams over the mice's heads....standing off to the side are Team Ninja, with Stewie in tow.) IGOR: It ends *here*, for the both of you! (Cut to the Flintstone-mobile, Cunningham Rambler, and Jackie's van, which're all speeding into the Enormo-Mart parking lot....we see various customers race out the store, screaming, as sounds of energy blasts are heard....) DOT: Ooooh, sounds like someone's *mad*.... BARNEY: (sees a blue beam blast through a window) Either that, or a blue-light special.... (They all disembark and head inside....where we see the mice are racing about the main foyer, trying to dodge the energy beams....) BRAIN: (Eyes Stewie, while trying to dodge the energy beams) *Stewie*....you're behind this!? STEWIE: Oh, *please*....as if I could have come up with a plan *this* evil. (Brain stares coldly at him) Well, so I lied. But these two demonic types are pretty impressive, wouldn't you say? IGOR: Hold still, you miserable rodents! YAKKO: (Now inside, with the others) Oooh, now *that's* an original line....let me guess, "Mr. Jinx, circal 1959"? IGOR: (Eyeing the sibs) Ah, the ones who have destroyed many a McDonald's™ with their insipid antics.... WAKKO: Actually, we only blew up just one....but maybe today you'll get lucky! (Dot jabs him) IGOR: Well, you won't get the chance to destroy *my* lucrative franchise! My minions are working overtime to ensure I have a bank account the size of Lake Michigan... YAKKO: Which explains those M*ckeyD workers looking like they're about to drop from exhaustion. Well, let's see....since calling the Wisconsin occupational standards board on our two demonic friends here wouldn't make for amusing story material.... DOT: Like *this* stuff is better? YAKKO: Ahem. Anyway, looks like we'll have to resort to an old standby to take out these goons.... (grabs a rope next to him,and pulls it. An anvil drops down on the two of their heads, which only temporarily dazes them....) YAKKO: A-ha. As I was saying, that old standby---- (Wakko hands the demons a playing card, but the demons disintegrate the card, causing it to blow up in Wakko's face) YAKKO: Erm...*as* I was *saying*, that old standby---- DOT: Oh, *no*. YAKKO: Sorry....no other choice. (Yakko points to behind the two demonic managers; they turn around, and find standing there the Warners....Yakko and Wakko smile for the two while Dot reads a magazine out of boredom.) AKOM: Oh, *please*. We're long-lived demonic beings....and even *we* think that gag is ancient. YAKKO: No way... (whips out a carbon-dating kit) See? Only dates back to "older than dirt"! Right, Dot? DOT: (Ignores Yakko; mumbles something with disinterest and flips a page) YAKKO: Er, right....well, then, only one thing to do....aaaahhhhh, let Brain handle this! BRAIN: (Proudly) Very well, then..... I do happen to have made up a plan for this situation. Maestro? (We hear music start up from out of nowhere, to the tune of "Monster Mash"...cut to a shot of Brain in ACME Labs, working at something....) BRAIN: (Singing) I was working in the lab, late one night, when my eyes beheld a bloodshot sight...with a desire for Visine I stepped out to buy, but see only, to my surprise--- (Cut to a shot of Brain standing admist a stream of strip malls/chain stores/etc. along a stretch of highway) WARNERS, PINKY & BILLIE: (As backup singers) It was the *mash*! BRAIN: It was the "chain store" mash.... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: It was a franchised smash... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: They did the chain store mash... BACKUP: Dooo-wah, dooo.... (Cut to scene of the heroes, save for Brain, beginning to dance....) BRAIN: From my laboratory in Manhattan east, to the sunny shores of San Diego's beach, the chain stores came spreading like a cold, with loss-leader wares for young and old... BACKUP: It was the *mash*! BRAIN: It was the "chain store" mash.... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: It was a franchised smash... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: They did the chain store mash... BACKUP: Dooo-wah, dooo.... BRAIN: The Warners were having *fun*.... the store sprawl had just begun.... (Shot of the Warners playing with a volleyball set at the Enormo-Mart, with Wakko scarfing down McD's burgers...) BRAIN: Guests included *Flintstone*.... Rubble, and his son. (Shots of Fred and Barney enjoying themselves, with Barney holding baby Bamm-Bamm) BRAIN: The chains were spreading, with lot of bucks all around... Igor on chains backed by his minions' sounds (Shot of Igor (with chains rattling) getting down, with using his various minions' heads being used as bongo drums....) BRAIN: The zoning board was about to arrive, with plans to build.... a strip mall or five! (Shot of Milwaukee's zoning board showing up, with city district plans in their hands and contracts with strip mall constructors in another, and they begin dancing as well...) WARNERS, PINKY & BILLIE: (As backup singers) It was the *mash*! BRAIN: It was the "chain store" mash.... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: It was a franchised smash... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: They did the chain store mash... BACKUP: Dooo-wah, doo.... BRAIN: Out from his Rambler Dad's voice did ring....seems he was troubled by just one thing.... rolled down the window, and shook his fist, and said: MR. C: (In his car) Whatever happened to my local pharmacist?! BACKUP: They all got mashed! BRAIN: They got chain store mashed.... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: And it's a franchised smash! BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash.... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: The chain store mash.. BACKUP: Waa-dooooo.... (Cut to a shot of everyone jamming to the music.....) BRAIN: Now everything's cool, Dad's a part of the plan, and the chain stores have come to rule all of the land... for you mom-and-pops, this song was meant, too. Try to compete, or else you'll be *through*.... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: It's called the chain store mash... BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: And through my franchise *smash*.... (shot of a dancing Akom inadvertently smashing up a few things inside the Enormo-Mart) BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash....BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH! BRAIN: They did the chain store mash... BACKUP: Waa-dooooo.... IGOR: (Gnashing his teeth on a canister of oatmeal he'd taken a bite out of) Mmm! Mush...good! BRAIN: (Chuckling) Easy, Igor, you impetuous young manager, you.... IGOR: (Still munching, making grunting noises) Mmmm! Mush...good! Mmmmf! (The music continues, as Brain leads the still-dancing Team Ninja, Stewie, Igor, and Akom to a back room near Team Ninja's blimp....they see that the Warners and lab mice are all aboard. They quickly surround them, preventing their escape....) MIKEY: Cool! We've got the mice *and* those crazy kids! SHERYL: Too sweet....back to Burbank! Plotz will be *pleased*.... HOK FU: HOK WANT TO DO MASH AGAIN! YAKKO: No problem...hit it! (The music starts up again, with the mice and Warners dancing in step...) MIKEY: (Giggling insipidly) Aw, *yeah*! (Begins dancing) Um....did those kids always have those dreadlocks? SHERYL: Who knows.... let's haul it to Burbank! STEWIE: Agreed.... (begins dancing and humming the tune, as we see the blimp roar off to L.A....cut back to the outside of the Enormo-Mart, where we see---the Warners and mice?!?) DOT: Great plan, Brain.... BRAIN: You're welcome. BILLIE: Um, any idea how long before those guys catch on to the fact that they're "getting down" with recycled stock footage of the Warners from that "reggae" Pokemon promo they made awhile back?* (* - actually, back in "Radio Free Warners" ---Brainatra) BRAIN: Let's hope they don't notice before we can high-tail it back to Burbank. That "Christmas Week" parade is scheduled to start the day after tomorrow...we've got no more time to waste spreading the Thanksgiving message and stopping that parade! (Sees the Cunninghams and Fonz) I thank you for your help....but now, we must be on our way... DOT: (Clings to Fonz's leg) Aww...can't we take Fonzie at least? He'd be a great asset! .... for *me*. BRAIN: No. We've made it this far without accumulating more worthless characters... FONZ: Whoa, hold on...*nobody* calls the Fonz *worthless*... (picks Brain up) capish?! BRAIN: Erm...."capish". FONZ: Good....no offense, but I got my honor to defend, y'know? (Smiles, sets Brain down) BRAIN: (Flatly) Very well....you may come. But be warned, this won't be pretty. Those two demonic creatures in tow, "Team Ninja" and that brat Stewie won't make this easy. Now *come*....we're off to Los Angeles. The fate of Thanksgiving lies in our hands! PINKY: (Looking at his hands) Um, all I see in my hands are little fingerprint thingies, Brain... (Brain clasps Pinky's snout, and drags him off towards the van...the others walk to their respective vehicles to follow.....). (Commercials promoting Has-Been Toys' new line of shape-shiftin', overpriced, easily-breakable Japanese-animated robot toys play....then cut to "Team Ninja"'s blimp. Mikey is grooving to the "Chain Store Mash" song, while Sheryl is looking out over the land. ) SHERYL: Hey, Mikey! Look at the country...isn't it amazing from up here? MIKEY: (Singing) It was the mash! It was the chain store mash! The chain store mash! It was a... SHERYL: (Slightly annoyed, Noo Yawk accent growing stronger) C'mon, Mikey, look at the view! It's amazing! It's romantic! It's... MIKEY: (Singing) The mash! It was the chain store mash! The chain store mash! It was a... SHERYL: (Extremely peeved) MIKEY, GET YOUR SORRY (BLEEP) AWAY FROM THOSE STUPID WARNERS AND LOOK AT THIS ROMANTIC VIEW, (BLEEP)IT! (Calmed down) Mikey...Mikey...(Sheryl notices the jerky motion of "The Warners" and "The Mice") Aw, (bleep)! Mikey, we got the shaft! MIKEY: (Singing) It was the...(Jolted out) What? SHERYL: Mikey, you idiot---look! (Jerks Mikey's head towards the "Warners"/"mice") See how jerky they're movin'?! MIKEY: Yeah, so? SHERYL: (Slaps the back of his head) You fool! Don't you get it?! Those losers stuck us with.... STOCK FOOTAGE! MIKEY: (Bleep)! I feel hosed! (Sighs) Guess this means we gotta catch them, right? (Sheryl nods) So, how long will it take to get to California? STEWIE: Well, if my calculations are correct...and they always are...We should be there in 2 hours! (Grows sour upon staring at the recycled-stock-footage Brain) BLAST! I can't believe we fell for the most loathsome, vile, repetitive, and cost-effective trick in the book! And especially a trick that *I* used in a previous fanfic! (Kicks the recycled-stock-footage-Brain, sending him landing near the still-dancing-in-place "Warners".) IGOR: (Disappointed) Hmph....and I so liked that song. AKOM: (Also sounding disappointed) Me, too. GRIFFINO: (Chirps in disappointment as well) MIKEY: (Holds up a miniature tape recorder) Not to worry, dude...I like, taped it and junk. (Hits "play", and the "Chain Store Mash" song plays....) AKOM: Excellent. Then these "imposters" won't be necessary... (Akom fires up his eyes, and blasts the faux-sibs/mice into a pile of ashes.) IGOR: If only we could do that to the *real* rodents who tricked us... (Suddenly, Sheryl's cell phone rings....she answers it.) SHERYL: Hello? Ah, *boss man*..... well, we had the Warners and mice and stuff, but they like, tricked us by usin' that stock footage stuff, and.... (hears lots of yelling through the cell phone) OK, OK! We're on it! (Hangs up) Mikey, sweetie, we gotta capture those guys for the boss! MIKEY: No fooling.... but how do we do it? SHERYL: Well, not to worry..."Team Ninja" is more than capable of coming up with an original plan. Right, team? (The rest of Team Ninja seems a bit distracted...Hok Fu, Mikey, and Griffino are busy jamming to the "Chain Store Mash" song. Stewie rolls his eyes at all this.) STEWIE: Oh, blast it all...don't worry, Miss Sheryl.... I've faced those wretched cretins before...and I think *I've* got the perfect plan. (Laughs sinisterly...) Very well---Griffino! Take notes! (Griffino produces a stenographer's machine and prepares to type) Now, here's what we'll do.... (Cut away from the villains, and back to the heroes. Once again, Jackie's van is speeding down the highway. Brain is confidently mapping out plans and singing along to the radio. ) BRAIN: (Singing his heart out) I love rock 'n' roll! So put another dime in the jukebox, baby! I love rock 'n' roll so come on, take your time and dance with ME! RADIO DJ: Hey there! It's Casey Casem, and you just heard "I Love Rock 'N' Roll" by Joan Jett...and soon it will be covered by that adorable teen pop princess Britney Spears! BRAIN: (Shocked) What? CASEY: Oh, by the way, Spears will also be the grand marshall of the "Christmas Week" Parade tomorrow in California, where she will debut her cover! (Zombie-like) I'm eliminating Joan Jett's version effective now...you will buy Britney's new song for your family this Christmas! BRAIN: (Annoyed) As if I didn't have enough reasons to stop this parade, now the fate of airplay of Joan Jett's biggest hit is in dire straits! PINKY: Why would they want to have anything to do with it, Brain? NARF! BRAIN: (Sighs, then brightens up) Wait a minute! Joan Jett is playing a concert in the area near the parade, but it doesn't have any thing to do with the festivities! I have to alert her, somehow! BILLIE: Brain, don't you think that's a little stupid? BRAIN: Please...surely, you like a certain musical artist enough to help them! BILLIE: Well, I was a big fan of Diane Russ and the Sublimes...Yeah, I guess you're right! BRAIN: Thank you! Now to figure out how to get the message to her... (Cut to the Fonz's motorcycle. Dot's riding on the back, with doo-wop music playing in the background.) DOT: So, which one did you date, Laverne or Shirley? FONZ: Hey, the Fonz does not discuss his personal life! DOT: I thought you were great in "Night Shift", but why did you do "The Waterboy"? FONZ: Heeeyyy, the Fonz needs the dough! Bike repair doesn't come cheap! DOT: Can I spend Hanukkah at your place? FONZ: I'll think about it! (Cut to the Flintstone-mobile, which once again is being powered by Fred (and Axel's) two feet....) YAKKO: Ah, this is the life....the crisp, fall air....the sounds of the humming...um.... (glances at Axel, who looks slightly annoyed) "engine"....the rush of the open wind...and of course, the best part of all.... DOT: Hunky guys? (Glances at the Fonz, who's riding alongside their car on his bike) WAKKO: Getting some turkey for Thanksgiving once this is all over? Um, if not *sooner*. YAKKO: Nah.....I mean, *the INTERSTATE*! W&D: Of course! The *Interstate*! (Music starts up, to the theme of Nat King Cole's 1940's classic, "Route 66"...) WARNERS: If you ever want to head out west, (Jazzy music continues, as we see a montage of sights along the gang's stretch of highway, with various images of billboards, Interstate signposts, and those "caution, bridge may be icy in winter" signs.) WARNERS: It winds from New York to *L.A.*... (Cut to a shot of the gang stopped off at a gas station, where we see Axel's resting his feet in a bucket of water (with epsom salts added), and the Warners pleading and begging Brain to go into a McDonald's™, but to no avail, as he herds all of them (with a wooden ruler) into a nearby Olive Gardener...) WARNERS: Gee, it's great.... the big Interstate. (The jazzy music ends, as we see the gang puttering down the road...we cut back to the villains, engaged in implementing their Evil Scheme...) STEWIE: (Dialing a cell phone) Time to call one of my allies-in-evil to serve as assistance...(Speaks into the phone) Hello? Get me the trailer of... *BRITNEY SPEARS*! (Dum-dum-duuuummm....) (Cut to Britney's trailer in Hollywood, as we see her practicing the Jett-remake song number....) BRITNEY: (Sounding "perky") OK, and one, and two, and.... BODYGUARD: (Who looks quite muscular looking; Hands her a cell phone) Phone for ya. BRITNEY: (Drops her perkiness, and sounds rather, well, evil) Don't bother me, you *fool*! I was practicing for my musical number for that stupid parade of Plotz's. Once I'm done remaking that insipid has-been's bargain-bin song number, I'll be able to rake in even *more* money from those brainless zombie teenaged girls that think I look "adult". (Smirks, grabs the phone; perky voice) Yes? STEWIE: Miss Spears?! Stewie Griffin here.... BRITNEY: (Back to nonperky voice) Oh, it's *you*...what do *you* want?! STEWIE: Don't take that tone with me, lady...don't forget who helped you win all those "teen choice" awards! BRITNEY: Yeah, yeah....so what is it this time, pint-size? STEWIE: I need you to ensure that that, even if those Warners show up, they won't be in any position to stop *squat*! If you see them, be sure you use your, ahem, "physical attributes" to stop them cold. BRITNEY: Excellent. Should I get Christine Aguillera, as well? She might want in on this... STEWIE: I suppose she owes me too after helping *her* with getting all that radio airplay....but I don't think that'll be necessary. You'll suffice on your own...no, wait, be sure your bodyguard's with you as well. Must take out that wretched Warner *sister*, Dot, as well. BRITNEY: No prob.... (hangs up) C'mon....we got a musical number to prepare for...and to prepare for a bunch of mutt-lookin' kids that might try to screw this up for me. (Perks back up) Time for America to meet its biggest "Christmas Week" superstar! (Laughs perkily, which changes to a sinister laugh....dramatic music plays.) (Commercials for "GI Jane" action figures are shown....) (Cut back to the heroes. As scenes of the group speeding to get to California play, we hear the Warners sing a parody of "Christopher Tracy's Parade" by Prince) WARNERS: Everybody, please avoid Plotz's Christmas Week Parade. Think about the money you've lost on the lame items that you paid! Remember that turkey isn't bad...or have your brains been frayed? Now, come along, the timing's wrong...please avoid this parade! (Just music, as the group finds time to go into yet another Olive Gardener) Stop buying Pokemon videos...cheap toys and big pianos. Save it for the proper time. There's cranberry sauce to eat. Everybody please avoid Plotz's Christmas Week Parade. You'll thank us very much for avoiding the Christmas Week Parade (Avoiding the Christmas Week Parade...Avoiding the Christmas Week Parade!) (Cut to a small building somewhere in L.A., apparently Stewie's latest hideout. We see Stewie, Mikey and Sheryl tending to a hostage.) STEWIE: Now that we have you...how do you wish to die? (The hostage turns out to be...) JOAN JETT: I don't wish to die at all. Let me go, you sadistic monster! STEWIE: Don't take that sniping tone with *me*, you caterwauling has-been! Besides, how do you know I'm sadistic when you haven't even seen me in action yet? JOAN: I've just read scripts that have been sent to me from your show. It's just not funny. Besides, you're just a rip-off of The Brain! STEWIE: Why, how dare you, you tempestuous virago? JOAN: Hey, no one calls me a virago and gets away with it! STEWIE: Virago, Virago, Virago! JOAN: (Bleep) you! (Joan kicks Stewie across the room) 1st and 10, *yeah*! STEWIE: Oh, I'll definitely have to punish you now! (Looking sinister) *Severely*! (Dramatic chords strike) (Cut back to the mass gathering of heroes....in case you've forgotten, consisting of: the Warners, the mice, Jackie Chan, Tohru, Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble, the Fonz, and Axel Foley. In their various vehicles, we see them speeding through various northern California farms...cut to the mice, in their van...they're making plans for spreading the Thanksgiving message, taking on the bad guys, and freeing the captured singer...) BRAIN: Now then, Jackie and Tohru shall use their martial arts prowess to take out "Team Ninja" and any other potential obstacles, while Billie and I shall free Ms. Jett.... PINKY: Erm, what should *I* do, Brain? BRAIN: You shall be spreading the tidings of Thanksgiving throughout the Los Angeles area alongside the Warners, those cavemen, Mr. Fonzarelli, and Mr. Foley...(sees Pinky's reaction) Don't even try it, Pinky....I'll be reunited with you soon enough, and I'm sure your..."talents"...will work for this mission nicely. Afterwards, we shall all regroup and put an end to that "Christmas Week" parade, and encourage anyone viewing at home to tune in for Thanksgiving Day's Patriots vs. Saints football game the following day, where I shall read my subliminal message of world domination, and *TAKE OVER THE WORLD*! BILLIE: Eh, sure thing, Eggy.... BRAIN: (Hands Billie some clothes) We'll likely need stealth to deal with the likes of those cretins.....and class. Put these on.... (Cut to some time later...as we see the mice step out from behind seperate blinds...Brain's wearing a derby hat, suit, and a carnation boutonniere, and is wielding an umbrella...Billie is wearing a black turtleneck, black pants, and boots....her hair's done up in a 60's "Mary Tyler Moore"-ish hairstyle as well...) (Cut to a parody of the opening credits of the classic 60's TV show "The Avengers": As the theme music starts up (the PatB theme set to the "Avengers" theme style), we see the words "The Lab Mice: IN COLOR" in the "Avengers" title font on the screen, and then the sight of Brain putting on his derby hat and adjusting his suit, followed by the sight of Billie poking her head up from behind a mouse-sized seat cushion (holding a mouse-sized water pistol, apparently used in some game she was playing with Pinky) ... we see Brain remove his carnation, and hand it to Billie; Billie takes it, then produces a carnation of her own. Brain looks puzzled, as Billie walks over to a small dummy resembling Stewie that's been set up, and sticks the carnation on the dummy. She pulls the stem, and a ticking sound is heard, followed shortly by an explosion, which renders the dummy into a smoldering ruin. Brain raises an eyebrow at all this, as Billie merely shrugs; the "Avengers"-style music comes to a crescendo, as we see a shot of the previous scene as a silhouette.) BRAIN: (Clutching his umbrella in one hand, and slapping it in the palm of his other hand) *Eh-hem....* BILLIE: Oh, that? Well, I planted a tiny-yet-powerful explosive inside a few carnations for your outfit, Eggy...I decided that given how many times we get captured in these things, I'm sick of being competely defenseless. Not to worry, though...I'll carry a few carnations as well. With that Stewie monster on the loose, I'm not takin' any chances this time... BRAIN: (Flatly) Funny....I don't recall Mrs. Peel being this..."agressive"... BILLIE: (Smiles, and shrugs) (Cut away from this, to the evil that is Stewie Griffin, who is seen still hiding inside of his location-unknown hideout in the L.A. area; he's at a desk, making plans with "Team Ninja", Igor and Akom...Britney Spears and her bodyguard are also present. In another room, we can hear Ms. Jett murmuring through a gag...) STEWIE: Brilliant! With these plans, I shall be able to crush the Brain and his cohorts with an *iron fist*! (Crushes a paper cup) IGOR: Heh...I like your style, Stewie. Have you ever considered a career in the world of fast food restaurant management? STEWIE: Hmm... (pointless "Family Guy" aside involving Stewie as a McDonald's™ manager) Perhaps someday...but for now, I must eliminate our main competion for taking over the world! (Pan over to Akom, who's chatting with the "Team Ninja" members.) AKOM: Yeah, Chandu looks like he's such a big shot on that "Jackie Chan" TV show---but take it from me, among us demonic forces of evil, he's a complete wuss. Ever see on that show how he never stands up for himself against most of his own siblings half the time when they're around, yet acts all tough once he's alone with those hired goons of his? HOK FU: Um..... AKOM: Don't answer that. Won't even go into that get-together of ours on New Year's once....it wasn't pretty. Demons, six cases of cheap fermented grape juice from the "clearance" aisle of my store, and a bunch of siblings with serious family relations problems.... (Shudders). Though between you and me, the only reason they probably even got on the second season of that show was that they pestered Chandu to death to ask that Plotz guy to give 'em some parts, and so they could pad the rest of the show's episode order.... SHERYL: (Shrugs) Who knew? AKOM: And that time when he was on this one "Space Ghost" interview show along with Godzilla and that Char-whatsits thing from that "Poke"-show... he got so upset when they asked him about that time he lost all his money back in '87 on that S&L venture that he stormed off the set, torched his dressing room and then took off for the bars. (Shakes his head) Short temper, that guy... IGOR: (Nearly snickering) Don't forget Chandu's quote-unquote "date". AKOM: Ah, yes. His "date" for the prom. We all went together.....and check out *this* beauty. (Shows them a picture of all of them wearing tuxedos, and Chandu's "date"...who even for demon standards isn't pretty. Said date resembling a version of his frog-looking sister, only a thousand times less attractive...) STEWIE: (Makes a face, covering half his face with his hand) Yeurgh. Looks like a cross between a casserole of Hannibal Lecter's and unkempt roadkill. (Shakes his head) But enough idle chitchat. We must prepare for our "guests'" arrival! Britney, you and your bodyguard shall seek out and intercept those walking excuses for mutts and stop them dead in their tracks with your physical attributes. The rest of you shall remain here and be dispatched to go after the rest of those cretins as needed....plus, I have the feeling that the Brain shall attempt to make a "heroic" rescue attempt at freeing that caterwauling singer Ms. Jett. But we *will* be waiting.... (shot of Stewie, along with Igor, Akom, and "Team Ninja" all laughing sinisterly, as we fade to black....) (Commercials for "Turkey (Pay) Day" scratch-'n-win tickets for the state lottery play....) (Cut back to the villains....we see Stewie's inside a master control room similar to the one he had in "Warner Academy 2", with Igor, Akom, and "Team Ninja" in tow...) MIKEY: Cool digs, man... STEWIE: Why, thank you....it was a little gift from Rupert in favor of ensuring a quick and merciful end to that "Wolf Lake" series on CBS. A few temperament shots for the entire cast sucked the horror out of *that* threat to Fox's ratings....but now, on to a scheme far more evil than that one! Even despite our might, there's a possibility of those cretins not only evading us, but carrying out their precious "mission"...so, I'm bringing in another ringer to ensure that both Plotz's plans and *our* plans succeed. IGOR: How so? SHERYL: Ooooh, not sure I like where *this* is goin'... STEWIE: With Griffino having recorded the schematics of the Histeria time machine, I used the equipment in this lab to reconstruct the machine, which we shall use to perform a time-tested villain tactic---- SHERYL: Lemme guess: the old "bring a character out of the past and into the present" bit? STEWIE: Why, yes...how did you know? SHERYL: (Thinking back to the "Harley Awards" fanfic story) Don't *ask*. So, like, who're ya bringin' here? MIKEY: Hope it isn't that Dr. Burrows guy. (Shudders) STEWIE: No, not him. But someone far less villainous....rather, the epitome of all that is wholesome and nauseously goody-goody about America. By any chance, are you all familiar with the legend of a certain caped wonder who currently has his own WB "teen drama"? MIKEY: Aw, man, you don't mean.... STEWIE: Yes. The key to your aiding in Plotz's plans to decimate the holiday of Thanksgiving, promote his "Christmas Week" parade, and ultimately aid in my revenge on Brain and take over the world, shall be---- *SUPERBOY*! (Dum-dum-duuuuummmm) SHERYL: But I thought, like, those comic book guys got rid of Superboy....and besides, they have that "Smallville" TV show-thingamajig on now where he doesn't even *wear* a costume. STEWIE: Indeed.....all shall be revealed---in *time*. (Chuckles at his joke) Ha! I made a funny. Now follow me..... (They all do so; cut to a room containing a replica of the H! time machine, and some sort of ray aimed at its entrance pad. We see Stewie is standing on top of a stool, monkeying with the controls to the time machine....) STEWIE: My plan is simple: I shall bring the Teen of Steel out of the dark recesses of disposed comic-book character concepts, and into the world of 2001. Once here, I shall place him under mind control and brainwash him with the personality of a typical WB "teen drama" character, as well as to obey only *me*. With his personality perverted so horriibly, I shall then use him to destroy the plans of those asinine animated altruists, and use him as a template for my actual means of global conquest. IGOR: "Template"? STEWIE: Yes...his various actions shall be recorded digitally on my equipment, and once he's performed enough of his usual super-powered actions, I'll have all the footage I need to create---(points to a blueprint lying on a table nearby) my own army of *RECYCLED STOCK FOOTAGE SUPERBOYS*! (Dum-dum-duuuummmm) After gathering the footage, I'll send the Pubescent of Steel back to the past, with no memory of what's happened to him here in 2001. Then, I shall use the stock footage technology to create based on the real Superboy's actions an army of stock footage clones, each of them capable of ensuring my established rule over all humanity, *and* all of them obeying only *me*! (Laughs) Ah, sometimes I *do* surprise even *myself* with my genius. (Sighs) but now---to *work*! Now, then....how many years ago in "comic book" time would those DC comic hack writers put the Teen of Steel's so-called "career"? SHERYL: (Using a calculator) Um....uh....somewhere around 13 to 15 years ago, I think. Give or take... STEWIE: Close enough. (As dramatic music plays, Stewie punches in time and location coordinates into the time machine's controls: "Thanksgiving Day, 1988, Smallville Kansas", and presses a button to activate. The time machine begins shaking, and activates....) (We see a beam eminate from the time machine, hurtling skyward, and through what looks like the time stream itself, as it passes various calendar pages with the years printed on them, finally breaking through a calendar page labelled "1988", and streaks towards a small two-story house in rural Smallville, Kansas...) (Cut to the inside of the small house, as we see the Kent family is plopped down in front of the TV set; apparently, they've just eaten Thanksgiving dinner, and look quite stuffed.) TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next--- what happens when the boys are faced with stopping a massive load of illegal Halloween candy being shipped through P.S. 58? Stay tuned for---(thumping rock music) "MIAMI VICE KIDS"!!! (Shots of two 10-year-olds, one of them dressed like Don Johnson on "Miami Vice", is seen, along with shots of them in a hot "pursuit" of some kids on bicycles....). CLARK: (Bored) I think this "kiddification" of adult characters thing is getting out of hand.... MA KENT: Well, it's surely better than "Star Truck: The Next Examination"...no show with that annoying teenage ensign could possibly ever succeed. Bet it gets cancelled by next fall---or they bring back, I don't know, Spock for a season-ending-cliffhanger or something. PA KENT: (Glumly) I miss the "Dukes of Hazzard". MA KENT: (Pats Pa on the shoulder) There there, Jonathan. Don't you remember that we taped the whole thing? (Points to a bookcase stuffed with Beta-formatted videotape copies of the show) PA KENT: (Perks up) Oh, yes... (chuckles, as Ma and Clark smile back) What memories. Say, remember that episode when Boss---- (Pa's statement is cut off, as Clark is struck by the time-travelling energy beam, which manages to tear off his Clark clothes and reveals his super-costume underneath. The beam then teleports him away, to Ma and Pa's distress. We see Clark travel across the timestream, with the same calendar pages, until he finally lands in 2001. Back at the H! time machine-ripoff, we see Stewie eye the results gleefully, as we see materializing on the pad is Superboy himself....) SUPERBOY: (Bewildered) Wha---where am I?! Last thing I recall is watching some stupid TV show, then... STEWIE: Welcome, Superboy---I am the one who's brought you here. All the way to the amazingly futuristic year----*2001*! (dum-dum-duuumm.... Stewie shifts his pupils back and forth) SUPERBOY: What th---?! *2001*?!? (Looks annoyed) OK, that's it....I'm gonna--- (however, before he does anything, Stewie activates the brainwashing/mind-control ray device, rendering Superboy into a stupor.) STEWIE: You'll do nothing, young man, except for serving my every *whim*, as your very psyche is converted into that of your Tom Welling namesake on that wretched new program of yours! (Presses a few buttons, and uses the ray to begin beaming concentrated datastream doses of various WB "teen dramas" like "Dawson's Creek", "Seventh Heaven", and even "Smallville" into Superboy's noggin. Dramatic music plays....) IGOR: He's...*capable* of taking this stress? STEWIE: Apparently so, considering he's absorbing the contents of multiple seasons' worth of WB primetime programming---*including* a few episodes of "Unhappily Ever After" just for the heck of it! HA! Now *that's* what I call resilience. (We see flashing in Superboy's pupils the images of various WB-drama teens angsting over something or other...) Ah, yes. Soon, the process shall be complete. And the teen of steel shall become---the *Teen of Angst*! (Laughs sinisterly, as dramatic music continues to play....) (Cut away from the writer's making this story even more ludicrous than it already is, and to the rest of the heroes save for Brain and Billie (the Warners, Pinky, Jackie, Tohru, Fred, Barney, Axel, and Fonzie if you've forgotten), who're on their way to rescue Joan Jett from Stewie's clutches; the heroes are standing in front of a "Not-So-Lucky" supermarket, trying to encourage passersby to demand the store sell Thanksgiving goods. Jackie's talking to someone on his cell phone---namely, Uncle.) UNCLE: (in a cheesy split-screen effect; calmly) Jackie....I have given you something of great use for this effort...the *turkey talisman*. JACKIE: (Perplexed) The *turkey* talisman? (Fishes for it in a
bag of his, and finds it) JACKIE: Hmm.... (aims it at a Christmas Santa decoration on the corner; a beam zaps from the talisman, turning the Santa into a turkey decoration. He aims it again at boxes of candy canes and cans of Christmas-colored frosting on display in the supermarket, which converts them all into boxes of macaroni shells and cans of cranberry sauce.) Thank you, Uncle. This *might* prove of some use... UNCLE: (Calmly) One more thing....bad men may try to take this talisman. You must persevere. JACKIE: I know, Uncle... UNCLE: (Growing more shrill) Oh, and *one more thing*....how could you lock Jade inside a closet like that?! *Bad* influence! JACKIE: Uh....er...ah....Tohru--- UNCLE: (Now completely shrill) *ONE MORE THING*----why are you working with all those characters?! You're being *overshadowed* by a cast that dwarfs half of *CHINA*!!! JACKIE: Erm....of course...goodbye, Uncle. (Hangs up) Well, guys, it looks as if we've got another ace in the hole.... WAKKO: Really? I thought we already *had* one of those.... (whips out a deck of cards, and wiggles his eyebrows; Dot slaps it out of his hand and knocks the deck off-screen, with an explosion heard, followed by someone saying "AAAAH! My car!") JACKIE: I mean, that thanks to *this* (holds up the talisman) we might be able to stem the tide of all this Christmas hard-selling somewhat. (The others all cheer) VOICE: Wouldn't go around cheering just *yet*, pals.... (They all turn around, and find standing there none other than Britney Spears...) DOT: Oooh, look---talentless people. AXEL: Yeah, I know...I'm lookin' at three of 'em right now. (Staccato laugh, as the sibs frown at this zinging) DOT: (Still annoyed) Ick...Britney Spears. Look, sister, why don't you go take your little sleazily-dressed, opportunistic self back to whatever high school you dropped out from, 'K? BRITNEY: Sorry, "sister", but I've got orders from a very, ahem, personal source to take you Warners down. DOT: Lemme guess...from a certain large-headed baby? BRITNEY: Er, somethin' like that. And besides, I've got plenty of talent....I'm still goin' strong, moreso than *you* has-beens! And *I've* been on a recent "Simpsons" episode---so *there*! DOT: (Makes a face) You and *Gary Coleman*. I've heard enough----(about to grab onto a rope appearing out of nowhere) looks like it's anvil time. Right, guys? (Silence) Guys? (Pan over to see that her sibs are too busy leering/slobbering at the scantily-clad "singer"....) DOT: (Waves her hand in front of their faces) Well, looks like they're gone. Of course, there's still *me*.... (Britney whistles loudly, and in walks her bodyguard, who begins flexing in front of Dot. Dot goes into hysterics, yelling "HELLOOOOO, NURSE!") BRITNEY: (Into a walkie-talkie) OK, I've captured these losers. Now what?! STEWIE: Just stand right there. (The ground begins shaking, just as Fred and Tohru were about to move forward to grab onto the bodyguard/Sleazy One.) FRED: What th--?! (Panicks) ASTEROID! Quick, Barn, get all the dinosaurs into the house before our gadgets and way of life are completely wiped out! (Sees the others' reactions) Er, sorry...always something of a fear of mine. (We soon see what's causing the rumbling...namely, drilling straight up through the parking lot is none other than a giant digging machine resembling Stewie. Stepping on top of the machine's main cab is none other than---) ALL: TEAM NINJA?! MIKEY: (Wearing his usual clothes, save for a t-shirt with a large "N") That's right, um, (looks at his "Team Ninja" script again) "twerps", and I think it's time to prepare for trouble! (Cheap-sounding music starts to play) SHERYL: (Wearing her exaggerated shoulder-pad clothes, now with a large "N" painted on the front) Make it double! HOK FU: MAKE ME DOUBLE MOCCHA TRIPLE GRAND ESPRESSO LATTE! (his teammates stare at him) SHERYL: Well, I think we've figured out *why* Hok's so high-strung. (Mikey and Griffino nod) (Continuing) To protect our butts from devastation... MIKEY: To get big bucks is our motivation.... (The villains continue the motto, as the rest of the heroes look extremely bored...) DOT: You'd think we'd get villains who were inspired by something *other* than that Poke-show.... YAKKO: Nah....too much work for the "esteemed" writers. (The villains finish the motto) MIKEY: (Looks at his script) Oh, yeah. Erm... "I choose you----HOK FU!" (Cut to a cheesy shot of Mikey looking like he's pointing towardsd Hok, as Hok streaks forward with that cheesy lines effect in the background) MIKEY: Hok Fu---use, um..... (reads the script) doesn't say what sort of "attack" moves he has. SHERYL: Oh, nevermind---Hok Fu, Griffino---take care of those guys! (Hok Fu leaps towards the startled heroes on the ground; a series of cheap-o still shots of Hok slamming into Fred, Barney, Axel, Fonzie, and Jackie are seen. Meanwhile, an equally series of cheap shots of Griffino using an electrode to shock Tohru is seen) PINKY: Um.... (looks around at his comrades looking pained on the ground) NARRRRF. (Suddenly, a pair of mechanical hands extends from the machine, and grabs onto the Warners) HEY! Give them back! MIKEY: (Laughs) I don't think so....got orders to bring these three back so that we can turn 'em into Plotz and get *paaaaiiid*! (High-fives Sheryl, as the machines imprison the still-going-beserk-at-Britney-and-bodyguard sibs are put inside toon-escape-proof stasis tubes) And now, we'll all bid you adieu---ta-ta! (the Team, Britney, and the bodyguard all get into the machine) (The machine's wheels start up, and it takes off down the street, back towards Stewie's lair....Pinky eyes his unconscious comrades on the ground, and utters one feeble "troz". Dramatic music chord plays.) (Commercials for K-Tel Records Christmas music records play.....) (Cut to the hospital. With the Brain looking for vengeance back at the site, Billie (still in her "Mrs. Peel" clothes) and Pinky are keeping watch over the human characters. ) BILLIE: Every turn brings a new step to torment. The Warners are indisposed...our human friends are teetering on the edge of life...I'm so confused. PINKY: Gee, they look so peaceful. I hope they recover. (Wavy lines cover the screen, and we see Fred, Barney, Axel, Fonzie, Jackie and Tohru in an odd area. All are dressed in white, and surrounding them are scary and just plain odd images. Beheadings, starved children, the footage of kittens boxing that you see every so often on recent episodes of "Saturday Night Live", and the meat grinder and the grade-school teacher from "Pink Floyd: The Wall" are projected on black walls. In the background, words ring from all over. "Help the children"..."For crimes against humanity"..."How can you eat your pudding if you don't finish your meat"..."Death"..."I am the succubus"..."Come to Crazy Larry's! The prices are *INSANE!*") FONZIE: Heeeyyy, where are we? AXEL: I think the (bleep)ing question should be, "how'd we all end up in the same dream?" FRED: I'm stumped. Barn? BARNEY: Don't look at me. Jackie? JACKIE: The closest I come to drugs are the cigars I smoke. I'm clueless myself. Tohru? TOHRU: I'm scared. (The marching hammers, another "Pink Floyd: The Wall" reference, rumble by to the tune of "Another Brick In The Wall, Part 2". Snakes fly through the air, exploding like bombs but not killing anything. A pair of shoes dances across the scene to a fragment of the showtune "Puttin' On The Ritz", while a giant Oreo cookie almost runs the group over. Freakaoid's head floats by, saying "I want to be paid in cash. Huggbees!". All of a sudden, flames shoot through the skies and land on the ground, materializing in the form of...) AXEL: Holy (bleep), it's you! LISA: (a.k.a. the "sort of a mystery woman" from earlier in the story. The background music becomes "Sympathy For The Devil" by the Rolling Stones) Yes, Axel. This is revenge for stiffing me in that never-completed fanfic story, "Spaced-Out Warners"... AXEL: You want to blame somebody? Blame Captain Caps! (Pointlessly, Caps the author comes floating by, and just as fast disappears from the picture) LISA: You said you could get me back in contact with my father, God rest his soul...but nothing ever happenned. AXEL: Alright, sorry. The story stopped dead...I didn't have anything to do with it, I swear! FRED: Now, that's an understatement... AXEL: (Bleep) you, stony! Look, Lisa, what's the point? LISA: The point is...you're dead. (Lisa's hand sprouts Freddy Kruegger-like talons, which Axel swiftly defies with a sword he grabbed out of mid-air during Lisa's morph) AXEL: Dodge, spin, parry, ha, thrust (Axel's nose turns up, much like Daffy's in "Robin Hood Daffy") Ouch! LISA: Feel the hand of justice (Lisa scrapes skin off of Axel's arm, but it just as mysteriously grows back) AXEL: Pop goes the weasel (Axel puts the sword under Lisa's feet, and with a mighty heave, she flies off into the stratosphere) JACKIE: Good work, Axel! AXEL: No (bleep)ing problem! (Axel gives the gang his O.K, a la "Beverly Hills Cop") Now, to get something to eat! (All of a sudden, the dream world brightens up. We see midgets jumping around on pogo sticks, shriners in little cars, and for some reason, William Shatner) SHATNER: Rocket...Man! I think its gonna be...a long, long time! (Axel grabs a rope and drops an anvil on him. Candy then starts flying all around.) AXEL: Hey, guys! Eat up! (The gang starts stuffing their mouths with gum and chocolate. Wavy lines out back to Pinky) PINKY: I hope they're alright! (Meanwhile, we cut back to Brain....we see him using his cell phone) BRAIN: How soon can you be over here? V.O: "Judge Judy" is ending in 3 minutes. Once I get the verdict, I'll be over. Those putzes are going to get blown up real good! (Commercials promoting every piece of Harry Potter merchandise under the son conceivable, save for the actual *book*, play; then, cut to the villains' lair; we see Stewie's on the verge of completing the WB-drama-brainwashing of Superboy. Igor and Akom, along with Team Ninja and Britney Spears, watch with glee....we also see, holed up in the same room that Joan Jett is in, are the Warners, locked away in toon-escape-proof stasis chambers.) DOT: Hmph....look where our hormones landed us *now*.... (Cut back to Stewie & co....) MIKEY: (Hangs up a cell phone) The big P says that as soon as we're done here, we can deliver these losers to him for those "Christmas Week" promotional commercials he wants to use 'em for... STEWIE: Excellent! (Eyes a computer progress bar showing the amount of brainwashing needed in a program labeled "I Don't Brainwash Windows™, version 2.0a, for Windows 98 and up". The bar fills completely, and the computer makes a beeping noise. Stewie deactivates the brainwashing device, and implants something in Supes' ear...) STEWIE: Now that I've added this homing device, I shall be able to control and see your every movement from my lair! Arise, my slave, *arise*! SUPERBOY: (Clutching his head) I feel so...so.....*angst-ridden*.... (has a sulking look on his face like, well, your average WB teen-drama star) STEWIE: (Starting the teen-angst progress) You know, I'm sure most teenagers your age would love to take Lana Lang to the *prom*---(fake gasp) Oh, that's right....she'll probably want to go with someone else. Besides, she probably isn't your "true love", anyway. SUPERBOY: (Angst-ridden) NOOOOOO! (Smashes some random equipment on a desk) I can't believe that! Lana...we were meant to *be* together! But *why*...*WHY*?!? STEWIE: Well, maybe you could just go hang out with your friends.... SUPERBOY: Pete Ross?! I don't *think* so...he never returned that ruler I loaned him! STEWIE: And how long ago was that? SUPERBOY: Um, yesterday. (Gets more irate upon thinking about it) And *WHY* couldn't I have the last slice of pepperoni pizza?! Ma and Pa had *plenty* of pizza already!!! (Angst continues) And *WHY* did those stupid scalpers have to buy all the tickets to that Janet Jackson concert?!? *WHY*?! (Screams) STEWIE: (Grinning evil-like) *Excellent*. The brainwashing's even more thorough than I thought....he's now completely in the mode of his "Smallville" and "Dawson's Creek" TV show counterparts! (To Superboy) Very well, Superboy....it's time to begin! For your first task, I'd like for you to drop off those puppy-brats to Mr. Plotz....then, you'll await further orders... SUPERBOY: Yes, sir. (Grits his teeth in more angst, as he storms off into the room the Warners are in...they gasp upon seeing who it is) YAKKO: It's....*Superboy*?! Must be for that new WB "teen drama" of his.... SUPERBOY: (To Dot) Stop it! I didn't do anything... (looks sulking/sad) DOT: Um, we *know* that.... SUPERBOY: Just leave me alone! None of you could possibly understand my situation! WAKKO: And *that* is---? SUPERBOY: I'm *invulnerable*! (They all stare at him) JOAN JETT: And this is bad, *because*....? SUPERBOY: *Because*....well, it makes me look like a *freak*, that's what! I don't fit in with the other kids! WAKKO: Uh-huh. DOT: Ever think that maybe this might be a *good* thing? I mean, at least you'll never have to worry about paper cuts...or getting beaten up by the school bully.... SUPERBOY: (Sulks) Yeah---but Ma and Pa won't let me play *football*! AAAAH! I wanna play!!! YAKKO: Well, Kal, maybe they don't want you to play because.... SUPERBOY: WHY?! GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON!!! DOT: Well, pumpkin, if you're capable of knocking someone's head clean to the moon, I don't think that a heavy contact sport like, oh, I dunno, football, might be a good idea. 'K, hon? SUPERBOY: SHUT UP! You're no different than all the others! I thought you could be my *friends*.... WAKKO: Your *special friends*? (Wiggles his eyebrows) SUPERBOY: No way, man....you're just trying to get loose. Don't think you can fool me----I saw that "Roger Rabbit" movie! (Gasps upon realizing something) And the *popcorn* was too *BUTTERY*! YAKKO: Aaaaah, actually---- SUPERBOY: SHUT UP! I'm sick of talking to you! Let's just go.... (Before the sibs can say anything, Superboy hoist the three in their stasis chambers over their heads, and is about to fly them off, when Stewie's voice burst forth) STEWIE: Hold it right there, Superboy....just got off the horn with Plotz. Apparently, he doesn't want us to return them to the studio right away. WARNERS: He doesn't? STEWIE: No, he has much better plans for you. You know that Christmas Week parade is being held this afternoon, and he'd like for you three to make your debut promotional appearance *there* to help promote the event, before you start your lucrative new promotional filming careers....I'm sure you're familiar with that reggae Poke-promos you produced? Well, your float in the parade shall consist of doing your singing-and-dancing-in-place routine from that promo. (Snidely) Don't forget your crudely-animated dreadlock wigs! (Laughs) WARNERS: AAAAAHHHHH! STEWIE: We'll all be heading to the parade as special guests of Plotz....but first, I have a little *rodent problem* to resolve... (sinisterly laughs) Come, Superboy...I've got a few tasks for you to perform... (Cut to the hospital once more; we see Billie (still dressed in her "Avengers" Mrs. Peel-esque clothes) and Pinky standing near the room housing Jackie, Tohru, Fred, Barney, Axel, and Fonzie...) BILLIE: Y'know, I wonder if this would be a bad time to start thinking about the merits of universal health care....seein' what the insurance bills for these guys is gonna be like after this mission's done... (Suddenly, Brain walks in the room...he's still dressed in his "Avengers" Jon Steed clothes.) BRAIN: (Tipping his derby hat) Greetings. BILLIE: Eggy, you're back! (Nods to the guys) No change in their states, I'm afraid. BRAIN: Indeed. As for discovering where that wretched Stewie's holed up *this* time, I haven't had much luck, though I did bring in assistance.... BILLIE: You said no more characters... BRAIN: I know, but she *is* an expert on explosives far surpassing these exploding carnations you made (Fingers his carnation on his blazer). And thus, I presumed she might aid us in defeating whatever vile plot Stewie has up his sleeve. I have a feeling that this time, it'll be on an even worse scale than the last one.... (We see walking into the room is....Slappy Squirrel.) SLAPPY: No need to applaud....(sees no one responds) *Ahem*. OK, I've got the VCR tapin' "Secrets of Brady Bunch Stars Revealed" marathon....so, what's up this time? Another one of these flippin' "gazillion characters chasin' some shadow-hidden whatchamacallem" thingamajig? PINKY: Um, that, and some of those gazillion characters lying in a coma, POIT! (Points to the unconscious guys) SLAPPY: Ahhh, they're just sleepin'.... (goes through her purse) Lesse what I got here....pens, lipstick, ticket stubs to "Walnuts on Ice"....ah, here we go: (pulls out an enormous air horn, aims it at the beds, and presses the button. An ear-splitting, window-shattering screech eminates, jolting the pained heroes back into consciousness...) JACKIE: (Eyes wide open) What---where----how---?!? AXEL: (BLEEP)! We were havin' the most wonderful dream! SLAPPY: "We"? Look, pal, I don't ask about your dreams, and you throw some clothes on so we can figure out what to do next.... (Cut to some time later, as we see the large entourage in the hospital cafeteria, gathered at a table near a TV set....we see Brain is making plans of some sort.) BRAIN: All right, this is the way I see it...the Warners... PINKY: And Joan Jett, NARF! BRAIN: *Yes*, Pinky, her too....are being held by Stewie, no doubt to be turned over to Plotz soon, if they haven't been already. In addition, Stewie and "Team Ninja" no doubt are going to plan *something* to lure Billie, Pinky and I into some sort of trap, and to ensure that Thanksgiving doesn't go off as planned....but *what*? (Suddenly, the TV picture changes to an image of Stewie, with "Team Ninja", Igor, and Akom standing with him.) BRAIN: (Seeing this) What th---?! STEWIE: Greetings, Brain. My, these battles do get old, don't they? I hit you, you blow me up, I kidnap your friends, you undermine my best efforts....but *this* time, that won't be. Oh, no no *no*. This time, I, along with my associates, including Plotz, will be victorious.... BILLIE: (Rolling her eyes) Here comes the long-winded explanation of his "brilliant scheme". BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow) You say that as if you were used to such things. BILLIE: (Pauses) Um.....let's just watch the TV, Eggy, OK? BRAIN: Erm....fine. STEWIE: First of all, I shall be turning your friends over to Plotz at the "Christmas Week" parade being held this afternoon, a parade which my friend Britney Spears (off-screen, we hear Britney yell "hi") will be headlining, seeing as Ms. Joan Jett is indisposed and all... (pan to see her tied up, along with the Warners). Meanwhile, I shall also undermine your Thanksgiving-saving plans thanks to the efforts of "Tean Ninja" (sounds of the Team yelling "we rule!") and my *newest* ally.... (Superboy walks into the shot...the heroes gasp) PINKY: Egad...Superboy---*HERE*?! And he's...gulp...evil? SUPERBOY: (Angst-ridden) AAARGH! How do I ask Lana to the *prom*?! STEWIE: As you can clearly see, I pulled our angster-of-steel out of the past and into 2001 via my duplication of that Histeria time machine, and that he's been implanted with the personality of a typical WB teen-drama star....and is under my control! Superboy, would you please execute the plan we discussed? (To the camera) Watch closely, everybody! (Through the homing device in Superboy's ear, we see the teen of steel zip out of Stewie's lair, and fly at super-speed to a regional food storage facility for various supermarkets within the southern California area. Breaking inside, the teen of steel then utilizes his super-cold breath and freezes within a large, solid block of ice every turkey within the facility. He then flies at super-speed to various other facilities within the region, and either freezes the inventory even further or roasts them to a burnt crisp with his heat vision. The heroes all gasp at this sight.) STEWIE: You see, Brain? Even despite your encoruagements of the public, I've just taken out every ounce of Thanksgiving-related foodstuff in the Los Angeles area! There'll be no turkey, no cranberry sauce, no *nothing* this year for the local citizenry....even if they could defrost it all in time---and while there's no time to do the same for every city in the country, I *will* take care of the other goal in your little plan! (Into a microphone) Superboy? Execute plan "B".... (We see through the teen of steel's homing device Superboy fly clear across the country to New Jersey...specifically....) BRAIN: (Gasps) NO! Not the---- STEWIE: (V.O.) Yes, the big Saints-Jets game! The teams are already at the stadium practicing...but it'd be a *shame* if something were to happen to them, say....unable to get *out* of their locker rooms? (We see Superboy use his heat vision to weld shut the locker room doors, and disable the locks so the teams can't get out....we also see Superboy directed by Stewie to rip both goalposts out of the ground, set them down, and carve into the field with heat vision a large drawing of Stewie's head.) BRAIN: (Faintly) *No.....* STEWIE: Helpful, isn't he? Not to worry....we'll be sending him back to his native decade soon enough....but not until I have enough footage of him in action to create my own *army* of....SUPERBOY STOCK FOOTAGE CLONES! (Dum-dum-duuuuummmm) (The heroes all gasp) Just think of it, Brain: a whole legion of superheroes at my control...a legion of *angst-ridden adolescent Kryptonians* serving my every whim! All the better to, dare I say it, let me easily rule the world? (Laughs) Oh, don't bother congratulating me, Brain....you'll have your place in my administration....I could always use a court jester...or someone to test cosmetics on! Oh, wait----you probably do that *now* at your little lab, HA! PINKY: Only that *one time* before those nice animal-rights people came along, you mean baby you, NARF! STEWIE: So, let's see: your puppy-kid friends are captured, you've lost Thanksgiving, and you're going to lose the world. Gee, guess this really *does* make you a....loser. (Snickers) Now if you'll excuse us, we'll be taking off for the "Christmas Week" parade....and I *do* mean *all* of us. (Pan to see the sibs and Joan Jett, still tied up, being carried by the suddenly-returned Superboy and the members of Team Ninja.) If you wish to attempt another one of your feeble "Final Confrontation™" efforts at this festival, just *try*. We'll be *ready*... (Superboy melts down a piece of steel with his heat vision) See you at my coronation, *Brain*....from a *stockade*! (Laughs sinisterly, as does the rest of the villains and the mind-controlled Superboy...however, the image soon cuts off, as we see a ticking carnation hurled towards the screen, exploding in short order and demolishing the set. Pan over to see Brain clutching his umbrella with rage...) BILLIE: Eggy....don't let him get to you. We'll beat him like before, even if it won't be easy, with the superpowered leverage they've got. OK? BRAIN: (Calms down) Of course. (Angrily) So...who here is up for a little game of "humiliate the baby at a Final Confrontation™"? (All cheer, as Brain and Billie pull out some carnation-explosives and put them on) Very well...let's go see a *parade*.... PINKY: But what about the food? And the football game-thingy? BRAIN: We'll worry about those later....right now, we've got to stop a power-crazed infant poised to ruin Thanksgiving and take over the world with the help of a mind-controlled Kryptonian teenager infused with the personality of a (makes a wretching noise) WB teen drama actor. I can't think of anything more dangerous than *that* right now, so I fear that there's no time to waste. Let's move! (They all enter their seperate vehicles (Jackie's van, the Flintstone car, Fonz's bike) and take off....cut to the van, where Brain and Slappy are talking to each other.) BRAIN: (Describing the story-to-date) It's been tough, and as strenuous as our Christmas adventure. SLAPPY: I've been trying to forget that flippin' thing for as long as I can...along with all the other things we've done. BRAIN: What time is it? SLAPPY: (Glancing at her watch) It's...(Loud music is heard in the background) almost time for that parade! PINKY: No! We're too late! BRAIN: Not until I say so...pull over. I see a costume store that could help us. (Fade to a few minutes later. The mice, Slappy, and the rest of the guys are decked out in fancy Elton John-like costumes. Slappy looks irritated) SLAPPY: Remind me to drop an anvil on you when this is finished. BILLIE: Yeah, what are we doing again? BRAIN: With these bright costumes and the mirrors I've attached, we'll blind the villains and make a rush for the Warners and Ms. Jett. AXEL: This is (bleep)ing stupid! BRAIN: We'll sort it out at the end. Now, let's march. (Cut to the Warners. The crudely-animated dreadlocks have been attached to their heads...the sibs look completely humiliated as a result.) WAKKO: Why, Lord, why these stupid dreadlocks? YAKKO: Don't worry...just because we're in the dreadlocks doesn't mean we can't get our message out. STEWIE: (V.O) What message, you puppy (bleeps)? DOT: WE'RE NOT PUPPIES! YAKKO: (Fake and forced) Why, promoting Christmas and Pokemon, our football-headed friend. STEWIE: (V.O) Thank you...I think! YAKKO: (Muttering) I feel so sleazy! DOT: (Whispering) As long as he's fooled, it's okay. YAKKO: Are you okay, Joan? JOAN: No way. I can't believe I agreed to let that song be covered by that synching strumpet. Now, I'm a prisoner and I don't know what they'll do with me. I was just on the brink of a comeback, too. I thought that things would turn for me again...then I'm kidnapped by a baby, a group of morons and the trollop who's covering my song. I should not have come to California this year. YAKKO: It'll be okay...things always are in the end...usually after a violent and completely pointless Final Confrontation™. DOT: When will we get that? JOAN: Whatever it is, I hope it comes soon. ANNOUNCER: The Christmas Week parade will start in 5 minutes. (Cut to Brain) BRAIN: It's time...Thanksgiving, the Warners, the world and Lord knows what else is in our hands. FONZIE: How many times do I have to jump the shark? I look like an idiot in this outfit. BRAIN: I'm serious when I say it'll be okay. FONZIE: It'd better be...I'm tired of looking stupid. If only I hadn't done those stupid cartoons twenty years ago.... travellin' in some time machine with some stupid-lookin' *dog*---(Bleep)! (Fonzie snaps his fingers in irritation. Objects suddenly start lifting into the air) PINKY: Narf! FRED: Hey, do that again! (Fonzie snaps again, and a car drops on a display saying "A Very Pokemon Christmas---Airing Tonight...followed by A Very Yu-Gi-Oh Hanukkah!" A few warped "Pika-pikas" sound off) BRAIN: You know, Mr. Fonzarreli, I think we have a good new weapon. Keep the rhythm! (Commercials for money-wasting, all-plastic Christmas toy junk play....then cut to the parade....we see the main float consists of a giant Pikachu statue, with a sleigh sitting in front of it. Inside the sleigh, we see seated are Plotz and Stewie; also on the float we see the Warners, wearing their dreadlocks and standing on slightly elevated platform. Standing near the platform are Team Ninja, Igor, and Akom, all of whom are wearing various Christmas-themed outfits over their usual clothes. We see various corporate-themed floats for McDonald's™, Enormo-Mart, Pokemon, various supermarket chains, etc. All, save for the Warners, look quite pleased.) PLOTZ: Splendid work, Griffin. The Warners are captured, and there's nothing that will rain on my parade! How ever did you do it? STEWIE: (With a candy cane in one hand) Oh, let's just say that I had a little...super-help. (Laughs) (Cut to a broadcast booth overlooking the street, as various spectators are seen lining it. Since it's southern California, we also see various people laying down fake snow to make it look more "Christmas-y". The announcer is none other than...) FATHER TIME: The place....Burbank, California. The time: 2001---Thanksgiving Eve, to be exact. Welcome, viewers, to the first annual "Christmas Week" parade. I'm Father Time, and I *truly* resent being roped into doing this....lousy stupid contract obligations. (Clears throat) Anyway, this parade is brought to you by various corporate sponsors, all of whom wish to remind you to buy, buy, *buy*, to "keep America rolling" and fuel the economy. Remember: if you don't buy worthless junk and go into debt, the economy will fall flatter than an elephant sitting on a pancake. And *now*, here's our grand marshall float, headline by Mr. Plotz himself, and....those singing Poke-promoters, the *WARNERS*! (Music starts up---namely, cheap-sounding Christmas music with a reggae beat mixed in. Igor aims his energy blasts at close proximity to the Warners' rear ends, and the sibs against their will begin singing and dancing in place....) WARNERS: (Glumly singing and dancing-in-place) POKE-MON! IT'S ON EIGHT TIMES EVERY DAAAAY, MON! POKE-MON.....IT'S ON EIGHT TIMES EVERY DAY, MON! PLOTZ: Wonderful.....our ratings will skyrocket! WARNERS: (Giving a glance at each other, and winking; they begin
singing to the tune of the song "Under the Sea"): (The audience begins applauding...) PLOTZ: (Irate) WHAT?! (Growls; to the minions) Get those Warners back in line, or *else*! DOT: We're singing to the tune of a D*sney song? Thought this couldn't get any worse.... YAKKO: It was this or an N'Sync number. DOT: Like I said, carry on.... WARNERS: (Singing a few more verses) (The crowd cheers some more, just as Team Ninja arrive on the platform to prod the siblings back into order....) JOAN JETT: (Who's merely been silent this time) Um, nice song, guys. Now what? YAKKO: (Points to the audience) Now, we let Brain do his stuff....good thing I set my phone to "vibrate" or those goons'd get his call. (into his cell phone) HIT IT! (We soon see bright lights shine on the main float, blinding Team Ninja and the hired goons...*almost* all of them, anyway. Griffino, being a robot, automatically places a pair of sunglasses on him, and presses forward....) WAKKO: It's working! (Sees Griffino) Um, almost. What now, guys? YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, I favor....we run. (The Warners jump up and kiss Griffino, who sputters in disgust. The sibs and Joan Jett bolt for the source of the bright lights....namely, the other heroes, who're standing in an alleyway near an array of Christmas-colored searchlights in their shiny, reflective clothes.) BRAIN: That's enough, guys. (Fred and Barney shut down the search lights, and all tear off their costumes). BILLIE: (Tearing off her shiny clothes, exposing her "Avengers" clothes one more) Now what, Eggy? BRAIN: (Tears off his clothes revealing his "Avengers" clothes) *Now*, it's time for...the Final Confrontation™. (All nod in agreement, and proceed to walk out into the street in front of Plotz and Stewie's float, stopping the parade procession in its tracks.) STEWIE: What's the meaning of this?! (Sees Brain) Ah, *Brain*. How good of you to arrive. (Snaps his fingers, and we see Team Ninja, Akom, Igor, Britney Spears, and her Bodyguard surround Stewie...) We wouldn't want you to be late for your funeral, now, would we? (Chuckles) This shouldn't take long, Mr. Plotz. PLOTZ: It'd *better* not... STEWIE: Well, you heard the man....no time to waste. Let's get this Final Confrontation™ started, shall we? DOT: (Sighs) Just think...someone looking back on this story will think of it as the holiday story with demons, hyperintelligent infants, and people constantly being hospitalized....and now, once again, the obligatory Final Confrontation™. Let's get going... JOAN JETT: Fine with me.... (glares at Britney) The no-talented twit is *MINE*! (Screams loudly, and leaps towards Britney, tackling her...we hear the two slug it out off-screen) FRED: Erm, you guys go ahead. Barn and I will catch up.... BARNEY: Fred, what're you talking about? FRED: We gotta fix the food situation for those guys, Barn. And I know who to ask for a bit of help.... (whips out a "cellular bone", a bone with phone buttons on it and a stick sticking out of the top as an antenna; Fred dials) Hello? Bedrock Butcher Shop? We er, have a *really* big rush order.... (Cut to the Final Confrontation™ itself...the villains and the heroes have all paired off against each other...cut to Fonzie, who with Axel are facing Hok Fu....the cheesy fight music from "Pokemon"'s Team Rocket battles play....) AXEL: (BLEEP)! How're we gonna stop this crazy (bleep)er?! He put us all in the hospital last time, remember? HOK FU: (Leaping towards the two, screaming) HOG SLINGS MUD AT CORRUPT WARHAWK! AXEL: (Bleep) you, man! I only voted for *8* boosts in military spending... (Screams, and ducks Hok Fu's flying attack. Hok Fu quickly gets back up, however....) FONZ: Hmm....wish that I'd never even thought of that stupid old cartoon show of ours....but as long as we're assumin' the Fonz is capable of doin' a *lot*----which, of course, I *am*.....here goes. (Fonz snaps his fingers, and we see a giant Squirtle statue standing on a pillar over head all-but-magically slide off its pillar, and falls straight down towards Hok....Axel and Fonzie stand back. Hok Fu looks up, only to see Squirtle's feet heading straight toward him, with various "Squirtle-Squirtle" utterances heard from the statue. A loud CRUNCH sound is heard, followed by seeing the statue roll off to its side....Hok's down for the count.) SLAPPY: Yo, guys...throw 'im back on the float... I got a special surprise planned! Try to cut off *my* Thanksgiving-day marathon of old war movies for some flippin' parade-thingamajig, will they.... (Fonz and Axel toss the unconscious Hok Fu onto the float....zip pan to Father Time.) FATHER TIME: Yes viewers, hard to believe, but a Final Confrontation™ has broken out in the parade.....and quite frankly folks, it's far more interesting than the parade itself. (Slyly to his co-anchor) $5 on the goon squad gettin' blown from here to Saint Louis.... LOUD KIDDINGTON: (His co-anchor) $10 on bein' blown back to New York. FATHER TIME: You're on! (Cut back to the fight....we see Jackie and Tohru facing off against Chandu's demonic second cousins, Akom and Igor....they both look quite irate.) AKOM: Ah....the man who professes to be a challenge for my demonic second cousin, Chandu. Prepare to face the full wrath of our combined demonic fury! (His eyes begin to glow) JACKIE: Um....uh..... (to Tohru) Any idea how to stop these guys? TOHRU: (Shrugs) JACKIE: Wonderful. (An energy blast hits Jackie's feet, barely missing him.) If only Uncle were here.... (an energy blast knocks Jackie down; while semi-conscious, he has a vision before him of Uncle's floating head) UNCLE'S HEAD: Jackie...you must defeat these two demons. JACKIE: I know. UNCLE'S HEAD: One more thing....remember to use the magic you have at hand. JACKIE: The...turkey talisman? Of course! UNCLE'S HEAD: (Sounding shrill) *One more thing*....why did you let Hok Fu put you in the hospital like that?!? Do you know what your medical bills are going to run you?!? JACKIE: (Shakes his head, dispersing the image of Uncle's head, and gets back up; to the demons) Hi, demons....got something for you.... AKOM: What could *you* have that we'd want, pathetic mortal? JACKIE: Oh, *this*. (Holds up the talisman) IGOR: Look...the turkey talisman. Brother, with it, we could pervert it with our dark energies and use it on our store and restaurant merchandise! Think of the wholesale savings... AKOM: Moreso than what we'll get by laying off a third of our workers come December 26th? IGOR: That and cutting their salaries *by* a third starting two weeks before Christmas. AKOM: Sounds like a plan to me, brother. Let's get it.... (they both proceed to walk towards Jackie, but Jackie fires the talisman at something above the two---a giant candy cane statue hanging overhead. The beam converts it into a turkey statue, before bouncing off and hitting checks in the two demons' pockets. They look at their shirts wondering what happened, before whipping out the checks to look at them) IGOR: (In complete shock) Brother....that Chan. He's....he's converted our early, plush, and skimmed-off-our-workers'-paychecks' Christmas bonuses into---*standard day-off-for-Thanksgiving pay*....or *non-pay*, as the case may be!!! (Points to a giant "$0" figure in the "BONUS" section of their paystubs) AKOM: WHAT?! BOTH DEMONS: NOOOOOOO!!! (The two pass out from the shock) JACKIE: (Blows on the talisman) Turkey...in the straw. (Tohru stares at him) Sorry...couldn't think of a closing wisecrack that involved the word "turkey". (Tohru sighs, before dragging the unconscious demons onto the float....) (Cut to the Warners, who're facing down the remaining members of "Team Ninja", Mikey Sheryl and Griffino....) YAKKO: Oooh, check it out, guys. They've gone from being generic ninja-thugs to Pokemon ripoffs of characters that ripped off Boris and Natasha's schtick. How low can one's career sink? MIKEY: Hey! "Team Ninja" is nothing to sneeze at. Or need I remind you of who kidnapped you all those times? DOT: All those times? Not exactly guaranteed work there...then again, I guess Plotzie isn't one to splurge or anything on *quality* minion-help. SHERYL: Oh, shut up! Now we'll see who has the last laugh, twerps! (Points to Griffino) Griffino---I choose *YOU*! GO! (Griffino leaps forward with typical Poke-attack sequence effects, as the Poke-fight music continues to play) DOT: What'll we do? WAKKO: Oooh, ooh, can I do something, huh, huh? YAKKO: Erm, sure, Wakko. (Wakko whips out from his shirt a giant tennis racket, and sets it up for Griffino to bounce off of.) DOT: Brain says they've already stopped Griffino by doing this. It'd have to be pretty stupid to fall for the same trick *twice*. (Indeed, Griffino doesn't....he blasts a hole through the net) DOT: Guess he *isn't* as dumb as he looks. (Indeed, Griffino passes through the hole, plowing on towards the sibs.) WAKKO: Um....I know! DOT: If it's that "two places at once" bit, you can--- WAKKO: Noooo....um, *this*! (Wakko orders the sibs to duck, as the robot grazes over head. Griffino lands, and takes off again....however, he doesn't get too far off the ground. Something's stuck to his foot....namely, a piece of a candy cane wrapper. Said piece is attached to other pieces as part of a rope tied to something off-screen.) WAKKO: See? Those things *never* come off your hands or body easily! (Griffino struggles to get the wrapper off his foot, but can't. The robot turns a hand into a buzzsaw, and attempts to saw it off, but the saw winds up breaking. Finally, he gives his foot a good yank...which finally undoes the wrapper, but results in the sound of something falling. Griffino looks up and emits a feeble chirp, as he's soon smashed by a giant anvil. He's down for the count....) DOT: Congratulations, young man, for *not* resorting to hackneyed old gags. Well, not counting the anvil. Or the near-mention of the "two places at once" bit. Or.... YAKKO: Aaahhhh, I think we get the point, Dot. (As the sibs drag Griffino to the float, we see the final showdown: Stewie vs. the lab mice.) BRAIN: (Fingers his carnation; whispers to the others) This should be a cinch..... (to Stewie) Give it up, Stewie. It's over. STEWIE: I think not. BRAIN: I'd say so....very, ahem, *explosively*. (Chuckles, as he tosses the carnation at Stewie. It lands on the ground in front of the baby, not exploding.) HUH? STEWIE: Oh, that's right, you've forgotten one thing.... (Whistles; a blurring figure enters the scene, and grabs the mice.) Had a little remote help in disabling the explosive detonator in that carnation of yours thanks to the heat- and x-ray vision of.... MICE: (Gasp) SUPERBOY?! STEWIE: Yes, that'd be it. He isn't going to be as easy to defeat as the rest of my help, now *will* he? (Laughs) Kal-El, please destroy them. SUPERBOY: (Still angst-ridden; begins very slowly crushing the mice) I remember you guys! You never came to visit me after we met each other for that space...shuttle....sabotage, uh, thing!* And I'm *lonely*! Nobody likes me! AAAHH! (* - that "thing" happening back when the mice and Superboy met in "Brain's Mission For President Reagan" ---Brainatra) BILLIE: (Constricted) He's...acting like his "Smallville" counterpart, all right! Moody....sullen....immature-acting... PINKY: (Constricted) Um, so nothing like....a real teenager...POIT? BRAIN: (Constricted) Unhh....too bad....no...kryptonite..... PINKY: (Constricted) Or...jelly beans....narf.... BILLIE: (Constricted) Have...plan.....S-Superboy! SUPERBOY: (Angsty, slightly loosening his grip) What do *you* want? You mean little person, you. (Pouts) BILLIE: (Breathes a bit in relief) Look....we know being a teenager is tough. We all had to face our adolescent challenges. But you can't let that get to you. You're the world's greatest hero! You set an example for teens everywhere by *not* acting all angst-ridden and tormented! SUPERBOY: (Pouts) You're just sayin' that to make me feel better.... BILLIE: No, I mean it. Now, would the Superboy *we* know want to harm others? STEWIE: (Irate) YES! YES, HE WOULD! DON'T LISTEN TO THESE SIMPLETONS! SUPERBOY: Um...uh....but he says.... BILLIE: Please....forget him! You shouldn't go around letting what other people think dominate you like that. (Adjusting her Mary Tyler Moore-hairdo) Now then, am I right? SUPERBOY: (Looks a bit saddened) Um...I guess so. BILLIE: I thought so. Now, why don't you put us down, and help us stop the *real* bad guys, here? (Supes does so) STEWIE: NO! YOU KRYPTONIAN CLOD! I *ORDER* YOU TO DECIMATE THESE THREE! DO YOU HEAR ME?!? SUPERBOY: I...uh..... (grips the sides of his head) AAARGH! BILLIE: I hope it works....Superboy's enhanced intellect allowing himself to be freed from the likes of Stewie's probably-bargain-basement mind control... STEWIE: I'll have you know it required *two* box tops from my breakfast cereal, thank you very *much*.... SUPERBOY: AAARGH....ACK...APTHPH..... (Writhes in agony, with dramatic music playing, as he continues making "Bill the Cat"-esque noises; Stewie frantically tries to regain control over Superboy. Finally, Kal-El stops writhing, and stands back up, with a trumpet fanfare playing.) SUPERBOY: (Sounding normal) All right....time to take out a futuristic Thanksgiving hijacking! MICE: (Cheer) PINKY: All right! Superboy's back to normal! Or as normal as a superpowered teenager gets, NARF! SUPERBOY: Right, Pinky.....but now, I'll have to----eh? (Sees Stewie inside the sleigh with Plotz) STEWIE: You'll never catch me! (Superboy tries to approach the sleigh, but is warded off by a piece of kryptonite strapped underneath it) I was prepared for *all* possibilities....and I won't be thwarted! (Holds up his videotape of Superboy's activities) Once I get back to my lab, I'll turn *this* into my clone army! (Stewie's pleased look fades, as we see Superboy's heat vision fry the tape; Stewie looks angry) BLAST IT ALL TO BLOODY (BLEEP)! BRAIN: Superboy, try to see if he's....(mutters something so low that only Superboy's super-hearing can pick it up) SUPERBOY: Right. (Scans Stewie with his x-ray vision, and seeing something, fries his front overall pocket, revealing another now-ruined videotape) BRAIN: Figures he'd try making a duplicate copy. The low-life worm.... STEWIE: Ah, but the worm shall now *turn*. (Presses a button on the console, and we see the sleigh tip itself skyward.) None of you will capture me! (We see rocket engines on the back of the sleigh lift it off into orbit....) SUPERBOY: I can... BILLIE: No, Superboy---you go undo all the damage Stewie forced you to do. We can take care of Stewie. SUPERBOY: Well, if you insist. (Takes off skyward for the various food facilities/the Saints-Jets game stadium) YAKKO: Aaaaah....who wants to stop 'im? AXEL: Let me! Let me! YAKKO: Um, sure, why not? (Axel yanks the turkey talisman out of Jackie's hand, and aims it at the flying sleigh....the talisman turns the sleigh into a giant ordinary cart, filled with fake Thanksgiving corns-on-the-cob door decorations. Stewie and Plotz quickly plummet to Earth, crashing into the float.) AXEL: Take *that*, you (bleep)ers! (We see nearby on the same float Britney Spears and Joan Jett are at their final blows....) BRITNEY: OK, you....bet you never learned *this* move! (Whips out a "Bob Dole for '96" letter-opener, and leaps Joan; she holds the opener to Joan's throat) JOAN: Please....you're such an amateur. Give it up. BRITNEY: What for? I'm younger, richer, and way more popular with slobbering teenage *and* elderly guys everywhere than *you* are! JOAN: (Grunting to break free) Maybe so, but frankly, Miss Spears, I find all those factors to be....very..... *irrelevant*! (Breaks free) It's the music that counts, baby...*not* looking like, well....whatever *you* are. BRITNEY: OK, that's it....you're gonna get it now, missy! JOAN: Doubt it. (Hands Britney a carnation) BRITNEY: Huh? What's this? (Hears the carnation ticking; it soon explodes, knocking the Pepsi-pushing "singer" out and flinging her into the huge, half-dazed pile of defeated baddies...) BRAIN: YES! JOAN: Thanks for the assist, Brain. BRAIN: And now, for the coup d'grace....Slappy? SLAPPY: With pleasure. Stand back, everybody.... (They all do so....Slappy hits a detonator attached to the giant Pikachu doll on stage; a cheesy cutaway reveals it's stuffed with electrical generators and dynamite. The charge shocks everyone on stage....) STEWIE: (While being shocked) I'm getting too old for this.... (The shock finishes, as the dynamite explodes, sending the entire float soaring skyward, along with the cast of villains.....) MIKEY: Didn't see this coming, did you? SHERYL: Actually, I did. (Sighs) Just say the line.... MIKEY: Oh, right... (sighs) MIKEY & SHERYL: TEAM NINJA'S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAIIINNNN! STEWIE: (Yelling downward) CURSE YOU, BRAIN! BUT I'LL BE BACK! I'LL BEEE BAAAAAAAAA----* (Is cut off as they vanish over the horizon. Down on the ground, the heroes all cheer.) FRED: (Laughing) Heh....heh...heh. Way to go, kids. And you three short guys especially. BRAIN: Well, I couldn't have done it alone.... PINKY: Egad, Billie....you did great! The way you treated Superboy all lovingly...you'd make a *great* mother! BILLIE: (Slyly) *Really*? BRAIN: (Annoyed, holding his derby hat with one hand) *Ahem*. I'm sure Pinky appreciated your talents, Billie, as did I. Now, to encourage the crowd at this parade and watching on television at home to tune into tomorrow's football game and to celebrate Thanksgiving.... YAKKO: No problemo...leave that to Ms. Jett and us! (Takes off the fake dreadlocks, as does his sibs; the Warner sibs then do a little softshoe, dressed in pilgrim clothes, and sing a ditty to the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy", with JOAN on electric guitar:) WARNERS: (Singing) I've got buckles on my shoes, BRAIN (watching the number): Rather fourth-grade...still, taking the mentality of the turkey-addled masses into account, it may be rather effective. (pauses) I'm torn as to whether that's a bad or good thing. BILLIE: Careful, Eggy. You know how often you fail because you underestimate the masses' intelligence. PINKY: Got you there, Brain. Poit! BRAIN: True...yet conversely, I fail equally as often because I overestimate the mass' mental acumen. BILLIE: Wow....you're right. I've got to get to work drafting some sort of algebraic equation to represent all possible outcomes and factors influencing them. (Cut back to the "stage" where a pantomime is occurring. The WARNERS, wearing football helmets made of hollowed-out pumpkin shells, kick and pass a turkey about as if a football. The background music is "Freddy the Freshman". YAKKO tosses it to FRED, who goes on tiptoe, assuming his bowling stance, then bowls the turkey to BARNEY. BARNEY takes it in the belly and gets knocked down. FONZ intercepts, holds in in one hand, and snaps his fingers with the other. Like magic it vanishes, and appears in SLAPPY'S hands. She stuffs the bird with TNT and tosses it to JACKIE, who looks scared of it, plays a quick game of hot potato with AXEL and FONZ, then drops on his back and kicks it into the air. It blows up, spelling in lights WATCH T-DAY FOOTBALL, EVERYBODY!) (Cut to UNCLE's shop, interior. Background music is "Chopsticks", which fades into the strings/windchimes used on the show's soundtrack. UNCLE is facing a shelf, counting some old pieces of pottery and making notes on a clipboard. TOHRU is seated on a chair by the counter, sipping tea from a teacup, which is so tiny he has to pinch it between thumb and forefinger. JADE is lackadaisically cleaning some artifact in the foreground, but her attention is trained on the TV. When she hears something explode onscreen, she drops her feather duster and runs to the set, grinning broadly....the exploding object apparently some part of the Warners' Thanksgiving promo show....) JADE (excited): Holy (bleep)! Did you get a load of that (bleep)ing fireball? (UNCLE is so shocked his hand jerks and knocks a small pot to the floor, shattering it. TOHRU's eyes widen mid-sip.) UNCLE (furious): Ja-aaa-aaa-aade! Such potty talk from a young mouth! You get that from your mother. (Shakes his head) Tohru! Take her into the bathroom and wash her mouth out with soap! (TOHRU obliges, tucking the tiny child under one arm and heading for the rear of the shop. JADE struggles and mutters inarticulate protests.) TOHRU: She reminds me of Mr. Foley, sensei--that Detroit officer I told you about. Such anger I have never seen in one soul. I recommended he study the martial arts and learn discipline, as it did wonders for me after I left Valmont's employ. UNCLE: And did he appreciate the suggestion? What did he say? TOHRU (uncomfortable): I...don't wish to repeat it. UNCLE (indignant): Feh! This Western culture! All its favorite words have four letters or less! Not good for an impressionable girl! (sighs) One more thing. We are buying a TV with one of those new-fangled V-chips in it to censor all the naughty channels! Nothing but Big Bird and Mr. Rogers and Nick Jr. for *Jade*! JADE: Awwwwwwww, (bleep)! (catches self, looks shocked, claps hand over mouth. TOHRU exits, still carrying her. Pan to UNCLE, smiling and winking at camera.) (Cut to an overhead pan of the desolate parade street at sunset, littered with paper, dark smoke billowing through the air, a fire hydrant geysering water in the distance, and a siren audible. The opening guitar chords and first few lines of Dylan's "Desolation Row" play on the soundtrack. Pan in closer. YAKKO is talking to FRED near the remains of a float.) YAKKO: So where was Pebbles in that "On the Rocks" thing? Is she still with Bamm-Bamm, and if not--(clicks teeth lustfully)--can you give me her phone number? FRED: Listen, bub, I thought we got all that question stuff out of your system back in act one. But, eh--(lowers voice)--in answer to that one question...uh...Tarpit #5 dye. Been touchin' up my temples since Rockson went down during Waterslate. (winks) YAKKo: And Barney-boy? FRED (chuckles): Cheap rug. BARNEY (overhearing): Hey! This ain't a cheap rug! (points to head) I'll have you know I paid over 200 mammoth skins for this baby! (YAKKO and FRED share a good laugh.) (Pan over to DOT and JACKIE. DOT is looking amorously at him, though he's absorbed in the turkey talisman.) JACKIE: I must get this rock back to Section 13. (pauses) Or at least to the WB prop closet. DOT: So...are you and that Viper girl serious? If not...well...(falls into JACKIE's arms)...I'm not the innocent lass I look to be, Mr. Rush Hour...and I'd make a great aunt for that troublesome niece of yours. JACKIE (flustered): I--no--but that is--um--Viper and I are just friends. I mean, coworkers. Casual acquaintances. I don't even know her real name. And I don't date--I mean, work with--thieves. DOT: Ex-thief, honey. WAKKO: Though I think she did steal something--your heart. Kissy-kissy-kissy! (The WARNER SIBS make smooching noises; JACKIE flushes and turns away, trying to vanish into the pavement.) (Pan to SLAPPY and JOAN JETT a bit further down at the end of the wrecked float.) JOAN: Some fight, eh Slap? SLAPPY: Eh. A couple of Team Rocket wannabes throwing bricks wrapped in chicken wire, a baby with a noggin like a casaba melon, a couple of cut-rate demons, some flippin' bucket of bolts that *looks* like that melon-headed brat, and a big mug whose name sounds like the noise I make spitting a loogie. Bah. These days any sissy-Mary who had a lousy childhood or got cut off in traffic or ate a bad kreplach can call himself a bad guy. In my day we had *real* villains--like in my 1940 cartoon, "Sour Krauts". I dressed up as a shoeshine boy and wiped nitroglycerine-laced polish on the shoes of Schicklegruber, Hirohito, and Mussolini in a bunker...then I disguised myself as an oompah bandleader and got them to do a polka so their shoes'd hit the floor and blow up. (chuckles) Wanna watch? (whips out an old-fashioned two-reel film projector) JOAN (visibly revulsed yet trying to be polite): Umm...no thanks. I'll wait for it to be released on the new Looney Tunes DVD. (Cut to interior of Warners soundstage, where CHANDU, PLOTZ, and LYDIA sit around a semidarkened Jackie Chan Adventures set. The background music is a slow-tempo "Shuffle Off to Buffalo".) CHANDU: So my fleabrained relatives failed, I take it? LYDIA: Yes, I'm afraid so. The Warners and Mr. Chan are quite resourceful on their own--put them together and it's like mayonnaise meeting cheese. (noting how smug PLOTZ looks) Sir, you don't seem concerned that everything's kerflooie. PLOTZ: Eh. Perhaps. But I'm a pragmatist. There's many obscure and untapped holidays out there. I'm considering an Arbor Day Parade for 2002! (stands; spreads arms wide, voice becomes louder and more excited) I can see it now--every plant Pokemon I can lay my hands on as marshals. Captain Planet and Poison Ivy riding the head car. 24-hour marathons of environmentally-friendly episodes of every cartoon in our archives, from The Planeteeers to Max Steel in the rainforest to having R.L. Stine hammer out a new Nightmare Room script with giant monster flesh-eating trees! What do you think? (is drooling a bit; looks hopeful) LYDIA (again, visibly revulsed yet trying to be polite): Ahh...sir, there...are no words. CHANDU: So, Ms. Karaoke--care to accompany me to Impetago's this evening, say seven-thirty? Though my demon form is infinitely more powerful, this stone number is much better for getting a good table, especially on a busy night. LYDIA (revulsed yet polite): No, thank you. I have a date this evening. CHANDU (sulky, sotto voce): It's just as well. I'd be afraid to kiss you with those cheekbones. Yours are more chiseled than mine. LYDIA (wary): Eh? CHANDU (quickly): Oh...nothing. (Cut back to the street. BRAIN looks at the skywriting overhead and appears pleased. An instrumental P&B theme plays.) BRAIN: If not the most subtle of messages...it appears to be getting the proletariat's attention. The world will be in my pocket by Friday morning. (Cut back to the Warners and Joan. A hard-rock version of the "Mary Tyler Moore" theme song starts playing, while the crowd is cheering) JOAN: (Speaking) I'd like to dedicate this to Dot Warner and the
rest of her friends, whom I helped save Thanksgiving with! (Singing, as she furiously goes
at the guitar while her band rocks hard:) (Cut to the Warners.) YAKKO: Great concert, huh? DOT: Oh, I'll say! (Cut to the Brain, talking with Wendy on a telephone, via split-screen outside the arena) BRAIN: So Peter and Stewie are going to prison? WENDY: Yes, 140 people, including me, filed a class action lawsuit against Petey-boy! He's going to jail for five years! The baby will be out in one, or at least until your next adventure. BRAIN: I guess that's good news...except for the Stewie-potentially-escaping thing. WENDY: But it gets better...I'm finally moving to South Carolina, to be the head anchor of a news program there! BRAIN: Congratulations. I'll have to visit you there, once I take over the world... WENDY: Feel free to! I'll wire you my new phone number and address, so you can come visit me! BRAIN: Wonderful.... WENDY: Well, I'll see you soon, I hope! BOTH: Farewell! (Brain gets off the phone, and walks over to Billie and Pinky...the "Avengers"-ish PatB theme music starts up once more) BRAIN: (Sweeping his derby hat) Well, Ms. Billie, Pinky...another adventure is complete. BILLIE: (Touching up her "groovy" sixties hairdo slightly) Yeah...so it is....now can we ditch the retro-British duds? Don't have a desire to become another Uma Thurman... BRAIN: Of course....but first, I thought we'd go out to a celebratory pre-Thanksgiving/pre-global conquest meal. PINKY: Oooh, great idea, Brain! NARF! BILLIE: (Grabs Pinky's arm) I agree, Eggy...I'm starved! BRAIN: (Hands Billie a (non-explosive) carnation) Wonderful. I know of the perfect place.... BILLIE: (Takes the carnation and pins it to Pinky's ear) You mean, the Olive Gardener we passed on the way here? BRAIN: (Taps his hat with the curved part of his umbrella) Yes. As good a place as any to celebrate disposing of that brat once again---and it won't involve plastic children's meal toys. Come...let us be off! (The theme music strikes its closing chords, as the mice walk off, Pinky fingering his carnation and laughing....) (We cut to Brooklyn. Mikey and Sheryl are back in their apartment, with Sheryl back in her Madonna look-alike clothing. Griffino and Hok Fu are lounging on their couch, watching the Thanksgiving celebration on TV...all seem to have recovered from being blown to kingdom come.) SHERYL: (Sighing) So much for "Team Ninja"! MIKEY: No payment, no respect, no nothing! What a stupid (bleep)ing idea that was! SHERYL: Well, there's always tomorrow night! MIKEY: What are we gonna do tomorrow night? SHERYL: Same thing we do every night...French-kiss and shout at each other! P&tB CHORUS SINGERS: They're Mikey and Sheryl and they're jerks, jerks, jerks, jerks, jerks! SHERYL and MIKEY: Shut the (bleep) up...we've still got bricks! (Commercials encouraging living-from-paycheck-to-paycheck Americans to go even further into debt than they already are to "keep America rolling" play....then, cut to the city of Detroit, on Thanksgiving Day. We see Axel's apartment, which is now decorated thoroughly for Thanksgiving: turkey decorations, etc. etc. are seen. We see in the dining area a large table set up, and in the kitchen, the smells of food being prepared....in the living room, in front of a big-screen TV set, we see playing the traditional Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. We also see, sitting in front of the set on various couches, are: the Warners, Axel's "Krump"-esque family, Jackie, Tohru, Uncle, Jade, Slappy, Skippy, Joan Jett, Fred, Barney (with Betty), Fonzie, Superboy, Pinky, and Billie. Missing from this large group gathering are Axel and the Brain.... (Cutting to the kitchen, we see Axel's there, along with Wilma Flintstone...) AXEL: (Looking in the oven) I dunno about this, Wilma....I mean, I appreciate Fred orderin' that food for my dinner, and Superboy *did* manage to unthaw all the frozen Thanksgiving food for Los Angeles, but--- WILMA: (Waves her hands) Oh, don't worry about a *thing*....with my cooking skills, this meal will be one you all won't forget. (Calls out) Fred? FRED: Yeah, honey? WILMA: Did you remember to have those gravelberry pies shipped to Axel's apartment? FRED: Oh, yeah, sure.... (watches a float, laughs) Heh, heh, heh...Bullwinkle's antlers sprung a leak. (We hear a knock on the door, and Axel answers it. We see someone in Flintstones-esque clothes walk in, carrying eight enormous pies. Everyone's jaws drops at this sight.) FRED: See? Wilma was right---between this and the turkeysaurus cookin' in the oven, there'll be enough leftovers to last us through... BARNEY: (Eying Fred licking his lips, along with Axel's family and Wakko doing the same) ....the post-game show tonight? (Chuckles) BILLIE: (Laughs, as does Pinky) Yeah....guess so.... (We suddenly see Brain walk into the apartment, looking extremely disappointed.) PINKY: Egad....is something wrong, Brain? BRAIN: (Saddened) Yes, Pinky....once again, my dreams of world conquest have been undermined. PINKY: (Frowns) It's not that naughty baby again, is it? BRAIN: *No*.... it seems that after Superboy freed the players from the stadium locker rooms and repaired the football field, the players got a glimpse of the Thanksgiving performance the Warners and Ms. Jett put on in Burbank yesterday. They were so enamorated of it, that they all decided to call the game off to go home to their families. PINKY: Awww.....that's so *sweet*! BRAIN: (Kicks a small bottlecap on the floor) Please.....Thanksgiving was supposed to be about my conquest of humanity for the benefit of all, *not* to spend time with *family*! BILLIE: Oh, Eggy....now you *know* that no matter what happens, we'll be here for you. Right, guys? (Everyone nods in agreement, even Slappy begrudgingly) BRAIN: That still doesn't make me feel better. What good is not having the respect of a mass...group....of...people? (Looks over the other guys in the room) Well...I suppose you may have a point. BILLIE: See? What'd I tell ya? And to prove my point, look who we *invited*.... (points to a group of people standing in the doorway) BRAIN: (Expression looking even less eager) Oh, *no*.... BRAIN'S MOTHER: (Wearing her pensamphalavox(sp?) device) Brain! Son, how are ya? BRAIN'S FATHER: (Also wearing said device) Whatsa matter? Too "grown up" to give your old man a hug? BRAIN: Erm... uh, no. (Does so, extremely quickly) BRAIN'S MOTHER: (Holds up a newspaper with grass clipping and twigs sticking out of it) We brought some nuts and berries for the occasion, straight from Florida....hope nobody minds. BRAIN'S FATHER: I expect you to eat it all this time, too, son.... remember last year's meal? BRAIN: Indeed..... (looks behind his parents, to see....) PINKY'S MUM: TROZ! We're here! PINKY: (Excited) Mum? Dad?!? Sis?!? (Eyes Billie, the one who apparently invited them; runs over) Oh, this is going to be the bestest Thanksgiving *ever*! PINKY'S DAD: Thanksgiving? Do we go around and give some thanks? I don't think we brought any. PINKY'S MUM: Well, I *did* bring some nice Yorkshire pudding! Made it meself.... (pulls into the room a wagon full of the stuff) And some candy canes, and caramel apples, and jelly beans, and---oh, yes, lots and lots of *pancakes*! (Points to another wagon behind the previous one, loaded with pancakes) Hope I brought enough... WAKKO: (Licks his lips) Mmmm....(whips out some syrup and butter and approaches the wagon, but is stopped by Pinky and Brain's mothers standing in the way. Wakko bends down, and they each hold onto one of his ears) PINKY'S MUM: Now see here....we're waiting until the big meal-thingy to eat these. I thought you looked hungry like a giant metal birdie! BRAIN'S MOTHER: Yeah....and look at those hands! (Pinky's mum "tsk, tsk"s) You go into the bathroom right now and wash up.... WAKKO: Awww..... (They sternly stare at him) Oh, *fine*! (Walks off, looking upset) BRAIN: (Sitting on the couch) Well, I suppose that ends my part of this adventure...but what about the rest of you? FONZ: Heeeeyyy, the Cunninghams have their Thanksgiving all set, thanks to you! Thought I'd hang out here for awhile, though....and I had shipped her *courtesy* of the Fonz, some authentic Arnold's burgers and fries for everyone! (Everyone looks at him oddly, as Fonz points to various bags of the stuff on the dining room table) Hey, don't laugh....it's *very* traditional food for Mr. Fonzarelli! DOT: (Sitting in Fonz's lap) I'm not complaining. JADE: (Annoyed) I am upset that I got locked in that closet and didn't get to help the Jackinator on this way-awesome adventure... (Softens) But, well, it will be nice to have an *authentic* Thanksgiving dinner, instead of just Chinese food.... UNCLE: *What* is wrong with Chinese?!? Very healthy....much moreso than the usual fatty American diet! Fortunately, I brought some food of my own....*Tohru*?! (Tohru walks in, carrying a huge pot of that Chinese noodle-based food we always see them eat on "Jackie Chan") JACKIE: I'm glad we could spend time with each other....and *that* is what this holiday is all about. Moreso than world conquest or demon-creatures or talismans.... JADE: Awww, but they're so *cool*! JACKIE: *Jade*.... JADE: I know, I know.... JOAN JETT: I'm glad that you guys helped boost my career again....there's talk of giving me some sort of special on TV, even. I was going to spend today with some guys from New York I knew, but told them they could come here instead... AXEL: (Muttering) That's it, just keep packin' em in here like some (bleep) cattle.... (We see walking into the apartment are the Cher-loving restaurant guys we saw earlier on in the story...they're carrying various cases of cheesecake and strawberry sorbert....) PINKY: Yummy....*cheeese*-cake! (Seeing who's with the guys) NAARF--and *CHER*?! CHER: Hey, all....(sees Joan) Joan.... this looks like it's gonna be the *best* Thanksgiving *ever*! (High-fives Joan) *Owww*! SLAPPY: I'm just glad ...that I didn't have to get involved with this story as much as usual. And aside from that football-headed brat, none of 'em seemed worth usin' dynamite on. Now, I'm just gonna kick back and watch some gridiron action. (Brain winces at the thought) Well, they are showin' like six or seven other games, there.... BRAIN: Six or *seven*?! (Slaps his face at the missed opportunities for his plan) *oooohhh....* SLAPPY: Oh, and I brought some walnut fig-dough surprise. Ya want some, get it yourself 'cause I ain't playin' waitress for you guys. SKIPPY: Aunt Slappy, that must be the nicest thing you've done in....uh.... (counts on a calendar, until Slappy sternly stares at him, making him stop) BRAIN: (Sees Superboy) You're still here....you've destroyed Stewie's Burbank lab and that time machine he built, yes? SUPERBOY: Yes... BRAIN: And you've fixed all the damage you've done while under that infantile monster's control, yes? SUPERBOY: Yes.... BRAIN: And we agreed that once you used your superpowers to return to your own era via breaking the time barrier by flying at light speed clockwise around the Earth, you'd use super-self-hypnosis on yourself to erase all memory of your trip here, so as not to disrupt the space-time continuum, correct? SUPERBOY: Erm, yes.... BRAIN: So my question is: why are you still here? SUPERBOY: Well, the truth is....after all that went down with that strange football-shaped-head baby and those demons and that one singer who seems to be 2001's version of Debbie Gibson, I, erm, kind of wanted something to eat. That, and hang out with you guys some more... Oh, yeah, and I did bring something. Could you look out the window? (They all go to the window, and we see Superboy is flying upwards, carrying a giant strawberry-frosting cake) Baked this up myself as a surprise a little earlier on today. Didn't count on all those guys bringing cheesecake, though. CHER-LOVING GUY #1: Don't worry-----we'll manage. CHER-LOVING GUY #2: Besides hitting the treadmill afterwards for (looks the cake over), oh, about three weeks? WAKKO: Treadmill? DOT: Some people actually have to *exercise* after eating enough food to feed the entire state of Florida, Wakko. WAKKO: Oh, yeah, exercise....what a funny word. DOT: *Sigh*.... (Superboy enters the apartment, carrying half the cake) SUPERBOY: Saw some individuals in a church homeless shelter ten blocks away via super-vision. Thought I'd give them half the cake to go with the church's Thanksgiving day meal for them.... AXEL'S MOTHER: You *are* thoughtful.... SUPERBOY: (Blushes) Thanks, Mrs. Foley... AXEL'S MOTHER: *Axel*! Why can't you be more like him?! AXEL: Well, for starters, I don't gain superpowers when exposed to Earth's yellow (bleep)in' sun, *Ma*.... AXEL'S MOTHER: That's just an *excuse*! AXEL: Aw, (bleep) it, ma, cut it *out*! SUPERBOY: (Chuckling) Guess I'll have to see that "Nutty Professor" movie Pinky told me about...after I check out that incredible-sounding World Wide Web thing! Between that, portable digital assistants, MP3's, everyone carrying cellular phones, the fall of the Soviet Union, and an entire cable network devoted to cartoons, the world of 2001 sure is an amazing place... not as amazing as the Legion of Superheroes' 30th century, but still, well, amazing....(remembers something) well, *almost* totally amazing. A certain new-for-the-21st-century TV show with some twentysomething guy trying to play some warped, angst-ridden and costumeless version of *me* aside... BILLIE: Let's not go there, OK Superboy? (Superboy nods) Good. AXEL'S MOTHER: (Looks over a large pile of food on the counter in the kitchen) Let's see....I brought a huge pot of collard greens, three turkeys, six sweet potato pies, five cases of Diet Coke, three pots of macaroni and cheese shells, four pans of lasagna, eight dozen bread rolls....wonder if I should've brought somethin' for the *others*.... WILMA: (Eyes the oven) Looks like the turkeysaurus is about done....(hears a ping noise from a timer) Wonderful! (Grabs a giant oven mitt, and we soon see Wilma walk into the dining area carrying an enormous turkey, which makes everyone's jaws drop once more....) SLAPPY: Ooooh, haven't seen a turkey like *that* since "Battlefield: Earth" came to the box office, heh, heh.... WILMA: (Sets the turkeysaurus down on the table) Dinner is ready, everyone! Let's gather around! (Everyone does so, all of them excited; Fred is given a fork and knife to do the carving) FRED: (Laughs) Heh, heh, heh.....*happy Thanksgiving*, everybody! (Loudly) *YABBA-DABBA-DOO!!!* OTHERS: HAPPY THANKSGIVING! (They all dig into the massive bounty of food, as the final orchestra music strikes up---to the tune of the closing music of the end of the old "Flintstones" episodes....) WAKKO: (Eyes a giant turkeysaurus leg placed on his plate with glee) Now, *this* is a meal! DOT: No foolin'.... YAKKO: Yeah....well, happy Thanksgiving, everybody! (The final orchestra chords for this scene strike, as we fade from Detroit to....the Quahog Maximum Security State Prison. Stewie has been placed in a small cage resembling a crib, while Peter is in a cell with a racially and ethnically mixed group of hard-bitten criminals. The background music is "Swamp" by Talking Heads) PETER: Boy, this must be like D*sney World for all of you, eh heh! WHITE THUG: (Holding a knife to Peter) Shut the (bleep) up! You don't talk (bleep) to a guy like me! BLACK THUG: Yeah, man. I don't like racists! They put me in here for life because I assaulted the local chapter of the Ku...Klux...Hey, boys, we have the Klan leader right here! PETER: What do you mean? Your time in the ghetto must have blinded you! Care for some chitlins? (Inane laugh) HISPANIC-GERMAN THUG: (With a mixed H-G accent) We're going to have fun with you. We're gonna staple a picture of Hitler to your chest and Riverdance on it! We'll put a gun to your (bleep)ing head and pull the trigger 'til it goes click! ITALIAN-ASIAN THUG: It's gonna be your worst (bleep)ing nightmare! It's all catching up to you now! PETER: GAH! (Everyone in the cell starts beating him up. Cut to Stewie) STEWIE: Blast it all it to bloody (bleep)! I can't even get one lousy crayon. PRISON GUARD: Stewart Griffin... STEWIE: Yes? PRISON GUARD: You've been freed! Apparently, we mistook you for someone else. While your father stays, someone is here to pick you up! STEWIE: Oh, goody! (Cut to the outside of the prison. Stewie climbs into his rescuer's car, and sees...) STEWIE: Oh my God, it's you! (Yes, it's....) HANNIBAL LECTER: Yes! Thanks to some forged papers, I've managed to spring you from your sordid confinement, *and* become your new legal guardian. Will you require some assistance in taking over the world in the future? STEWIE: Indeed I would, just so long as you don't prove to be as incompetent as my previous assistants have been. How can you help? HANNIBAL: I'll reveal how soon enough, but first....would you like to go to California soon? I have a beef...no pun intended...to settle with the Warners, and I think a visit from me would be a great Christmas present! STEWIE: That would be wonderful! HANNIBAL: You seem intelligent enough. How about I buy you your first bottle of Chianti? STEWIE: You're not serious, are you? HANNIBAL: But of *course*, I am.... STEWIE: Oooh, this is so much better than being fed that cow-udder-derived cereal-fodder by Peter and Lois... (points forward) *let's roll*! I've got a score to settle with those rodents, and a *world* to conquer! (The two drive off, as dramatic chords play....) ANNOUNCER: And *finally*, that's the end, folks. Here's the fates of our massive cast of characters: THE WARNERS returned to their Water Tower from Axel's place, with enough leftovers to last an average family for weeks. However, not being an average *anything* by any means, with Wakko around, said leftovers lasted until the following morning. THE LAB MICE returned to ACME Labs in New York City, relieved at the thought of Stewie being thrown in jail (thanks to Rhode Island's stringent new "we're truly, honestly, *really*, seriously gettin' tough on crime here" laws that lowered the tried-as-an-adult age limit to six months, thereby ensnaring Stewie). However, upon hearing that he'd gotten out, Brain whapped his head against a test tube for a few minutes, followed by some therapeutic A&S (aspirin and Spinatra records). Meanwhile, Brain and Pinky's parents headed back to their respective homes following the Thanksgiving feast, with Brain insisting that "he has much work to catch up on". SLAPPY and SKIPPY returned to their treehouse home in Burbank, eating leftovers brought back with them over the course of the days following Thanksgiving, while awaiting a story with villains worthy of Slappy's time and ACME explosives. AXEL FOLEY spent the following day cleaning up from the meal, followed by soaking his feet in a warm tub of water after playing "Flintstone car engine" for the past week. House majority leader Tom Daschle paid him a visit, insisting that Axel explain how he could spend *that* much on hospital bills in such a short period of time; Daschle, upon hearing the words "the Warners", quickly retracted his complaints and increased Axel's coverage threefold. Meanwhile, AXEL'S FAMILY took off for home, their appetite for once actually satiated thanks to Wilma's colossial-sized prehistoric food portions. JOAN JETT took off for home to party down with CHER and the CHER-LOVING RESTAURANT GUYS, her career boosted by her participation in this story ("Well, at least *somebody*'s career actually didn't suffer by mere association with this thing", noted Dot). JACKIE, TOHRU, UNCLE and JADE took off for San Francisco, to rest up until filming on the remaining batch of "Jackie Chan Adventures" episodes begins. Uncle bought a new V-Chip containing TV set, much to Jade's dismay. Meanwhile, CHANDU scored respectable ratings with his KWB stock-footage-promo weekend, pleasing PLOTZ. Future plans include finishing production on the remaining JCA episodes and attending his relatives' New Year's Eve party; he awaits hearing back from LYDIA KARAOKE to see if she wishes to attend. His nephew SETH is expected to bring the drinks (courtesy of the Enormo-Mart clearance aisle). LISA (a.k.a. THE SORT-OF-A-MYSTERY WOMAN) has been banished to fanfic character limbo, taking her ranks alongside all other unfinished fanfic stories...however, she hopes to extract from Akom backpay for evil services rendered unto Axel during the story. SUPERBOY, thanks to his superpowers, returned to the 1980's and erased his memory of the events of this story, and all the knowledge about the future that he gained, for the sake of the space-time continuum. "Wish *we* could wipe out our memories of this flippin' story", noted Slappy. Superboy did promise to leave in a mental note to attend a Joan Jett concert once he returned to the Smallville of his time. You'll see Superboy again whenever Brainatra gets another nostalgic twinge/brain-dead time-travel-using idea, or DC either needs to renew his trademark, milk some more cash from him, and/or if "Smallville" starts to crash-and-burn...don't miss it! AKOM and IGOR returned to their respective businesses in Milwaukee. Akom, in an attempt to make back the money he and Igor lost re: their Christmas bonuses, is peddling tapes of the "Chain Store Mash" theme song with little fake bows stuck to them. Sales are so far tepid. THE FONZ returned to Milwaukee as well, deciding to use his newfound finger-snapping prowess to....pick up chicks. Eventually, though, as soon as Fonz realized how *uncool* that cartoon was (with that stupid time machine, "Mr. Cool" the dog and all), the powers immediately vanished. FRED and BARNEY returned to Bedrock, where they await their next TV special or movie. Barney looked into the "Hair Club for Cavemen", while Fred feigned off phone calls from Yakko begging for Pebbles' phone number and Wakko to see if he can get any more of that oversized food. BRITNEY SPEARS, after nursing her wounds from the pummeling by Joan Jett/being blown to bits in the Final Confrontation™, has resumed her "music" career. You can catch the little sleazoid in a future "Simpsons" cameo. MIKEY and SHERYL, disappointed with "Team Ninja"'s lack of success, disbanded the team, sending GRIFFINO the robot back to Quahog and HOK FU back to Burbank to finish production on the JCA episodes. AQUAMAN is gearing up for his appearance on the Cartoon Network JLA series. He wants everyone to tune in so that we all know how cool he really is. WENDY is enjoying her new job at a South Carolina television station, and is striving to make the station's news the best it can be in the face of competition from the other stations and reruns of "She's the Sheriff". As for STEWIE, his whereabouts are currently unknown.....but, of course, the little monster will probably be back in some future story, to Brain's dismay. PETER, meanwhile, was sprung from the hoosegow by RUPERT MURDOCH, who needed him to help with production advice on the latest tacky Fox reality special, "Who Wants to Marry Some Accountant Making $50K a Year?" (Final orchestra chords strike, signaling...) THE END ---- CREDITS: Yakko, Pinky, Cher-Loving Restaurant Guy #2: Rob Paulsen All "Animaniacs", "Pinky and the Brain", "Smallville", and "Histeria" characters and related indica © 2001 Warner Bros., used without permission. "Capt. Planet and the Planeteers" © Turner Broadcasting, used without permission. Pokemon © Nintendo. "Jackie Chan Adventures" and related characters/indica © Columbia/Tristar Television, used without permission. "The Flintstones" and related characters © Hanna-Barbara, used without permission. "Family Guy" and related characters © 20th Century Fox, used without permission. "Will and Grace" © NBC. "Dharma and Greg" © ABC. "The Avengers" and related characters/indica © Canal+ Image International. Axel Foley, "Happy Days", and related characters/indica © Paramount Studios, used without permission. Aquaman, Superboy, Poison Ivy, Smallville, Ma Kent, and Pa Kent © DC Comics, used without permission. Hannibal Lecter © Thomas Harris and MGM, used without permission. Lisa, Seth, Mikey, Sheryl, and Wendy Franchetti created by Capt. Caps. Griffino, Akom, and Igor created by Brainatra. "Chain Store Mash", "The Big Interstate", "We'll Make Thanksgiving Dreams Come True", "Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving" written by Brainatra. "Plotz's Christmas Week Parade", "Reggae Pokemon Promo Song", written by Capt. Caps. Aquaman's First Comics Appearance: Superboy's First Comics Appearance: Watch for A VERY WAKKO ARBOR DAY, featuring much of the same kind of jokes as this story, only more tree-and-plant centered! Don't miss it! |
