| As you may recall from the original "Warner
Academy", the Warners enrolled in the Burbank Police Academy to become police
officers...they teamed up with Slappy, the lab mice, and a certain expletive-abusive
policeman named Axel Foley, who they quickly turned against, leading Axel into a bout with
villainy. Now, Axel Foley has reformed, and is ready to team up with our heroes once more!
But how did this reform come about? And when Axel *does* re-team up with our favorite
trios of lab mice and puppy-children, what happens when the public that once lukewarmly
supported them *turns* against them, viciously?! Read on, and find out!WARNER
ACADEMY 2 The Infant Strikes Back by: Brainatra, Craig, Capt. Caps, and Dr. BELCH (We open on the WB Studio lot at some number of months ago, namely some time after the "senses-shattering" events of "39 Characters In Search of A Plot"...cutting to the water tower and fading into its interior, we see the Warners are sitting around in their water tower, looking through the want ads for yet another post-Animaniacs-cancellation job...) NARRATOR: (From the "Bullwinkle" cartoons) Yes, in other words, looking for *work*! Dot deftly circles the classified ads, Yakko swiftly types up resumes, and Wakko scans the phone book for employment agencies with the utmost *finesse*! YAKKO: Great...our first sequel, and the writers hire *this* guy for commentary. NARRATOR: Hey, don't knock my verbal deftness! Besides, I need the money... DOT: Don't we all... why do you think we're looking through the *want ads* Mr. Omnipotent Narrator-man? (Reaches off-camera, pinches what seems to be the narrator's cheek, which we see part of stretch into the camera shot before Dot lets go, letting it snap back) NARRATOR: *OW*! Now cut that out! I really *must* find other work...maybe as an operator for the phone company! (Imitates an operator) If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial again...if you need help-- DOT: Um...just stick with the occasional scene comments, OK? NARRATOR: Very well... (mumbling) as if those scene descriptions in *brackets* were any adequate substitute for my skillful supporting commentary... (Suddenly, we hear a knock on the water tower door...the sibs all freeze in mid-activity, and begin scrambling for the door...) YAKKO: I'll get it! DOT: No, *I'll* get it! WAKKO: I never get to get it! (The sibs scramble towards the door, with the inevitable cartoon fight cloud breaking out... a flurry of mallets, paddleballs, and spitwads are seen...we finally see Dot emerge from the fray, brush off her skirt, and reach for the door...) DOT: (Sweetly) *I'll* get it... WAKKO: *Darn*... NARRATOR: As Dot opens the water tower door, we see standing there is none other than that harbinger of the apocalypse, that cad of comedic wit, that staccato-laughing stand-up comic, that--- AXEL FOLEY: OK, OK! They all get the (bleep)in' point! Who the (bleep) hired *this* (bleep)in' narrator anyway?! WARNERS: (Screaming) AAAAAAH!! *AXEL*!! (The Warners immediately tackle Axel, and a cloud of dust forms; when it clears, we see Axel's hogtied and gagged; he looks very annoyed. The Warners stand around the captured Axel, with all three siblings holding mallets above their heads.) YAKKO: (Removing Axel's gag) All right, Mr. Potty Mouth, tell us *why* you're here! Are you planning on sticking us inside P*k*mon characters again?! (Cue a flashback cloud over their heads, displaying the image of Axel holding a Pokéball and a "scrooch" gun, as seen in "39 Characters In Search Of A Plot".) DOT: Or sending us on a one-way trip into the far future again?! (The flashback cloud changes to an image of Axel running around with a Verminator robot on the WB Studio lot of the year 2015, yelling loudly and creating chaos, as seen in "The Once and Future Warners".) WAKKO: Or giving us more copies of "Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue"?! Even if that tape *did* taste pretty good . . . mmm, Memorex! (The flashback cloud changes to an image of Wakko eating mass quantities of food at a McDonald's™, as seen in the original "Warner Academy".) DOT: (Looking at the cloud) Um . . . yeah. (Dot takes out a hairpin, and pops the flashback cloud, making it vanish.) AXEL: (Annoyed) No, none of that, ya crazy (bleep)s! YAKKO: Then why are you here, then? AXEL: Well, after that (bleep)ing pointless "39 Characters-P*k*mon" thing, I got to thinking . . . working with those loser villains like Walter Wolf made me realize that I don't wanna end up like those (bleep)ing losers, spending my whole life on trying to get back at you guys for some stupid, petty reason like doing stupid voiceovers! Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to be a villain anymore, *and* I wanna ask you puppy-kids if you'll . . . WAKKO: If we'll what? AXEL: If you'll . . . forgive me. Besides, every cartoon I've ever seen never shows the (bleep)ing bad guys winning, anyway . . . and being around those villains in that "P*k*mon" thing was kind of annoying, to be honest . . . (Muttering) especially that red-headed animal-abusin' little brat . . . should've called the (bleep)in' ASPCA on her . . . YAKKO: (Sounding unconvinced) Hmmm . . . how do we know this isn't another trick? We've seen that "villain-reforms-and-then-goes-back-to-his-old-tricks-by-the-story's-end" cliche before . . . AXEL: It's the (bleep)in' truth! Look, would I lie? (Grins broadly) WARNERS: (Flatly) *YES*! AXEL: OK, OK . . . just put me through a (bleep)in' lie detector test! I'll show you I'm tellin' the truth! YAKKO: Sure . . . *Wakko*? (Wakko pulls out his "wacky sack", and pulls out from it a lie detector device. The Warners untie Axel, make him sit down on the curb, and attach the device to Axel.) YAKKO: (Imitating "Dragnet"'s Sgt. Friday) OK, Foley . . . spill it. Are you *really* willing to become a good guy again? AXEL: (Mildly annoyed) Yeah, you crazy punk! (The lie detector's buzzer doesn't go off.) YAKKO: (Still doing "Dragnet" imitation) And are you willing to do whatever it takes to get back on our good sides again? AXEL: Um, yeah, I guess so. (The lie detector's buzzer still doesn't go off.) DOT: And do you regret having made the oh-so-huge box office smash "Life" with a co-star who’s even cruder than *you* are? AXEL: (Nervously) Um . . .no. (The lie detector's buzzer goes off loudly at this last statement. Axel briefly looks surprised, then does his trademarked "heh, heh, heh" laugh again in a sheepish fashion. Yakko and Dot don't look surprised by this . . . Wakko, however, still looks very skeptical.) WAKKO: I know! It's a "Scooby Doo" kind of setup! This isn't *really* Axel . . . it's---a *mask*! (Wakko reaches over and pulls hard on Axel's nose, but the only result of this action is Axel yelling loudly.) WAKKO: Oh . . . guess not . . . sorry! (Wakko grins sheepishly) YAKKO: Well, guys, I guess Axel's telling the truth, after all . . . DOT: Who knew? (Yakko detaches the lie detector from Axel.) AXEL: Well, even though *I'm* willin' to forgive you guys, I'd still like an apology from you for turnin' against me just because I did work for your (bleep)ing competitors! YAKKO: But they're . . . they're . . . D*sney! How did you expect us to react once we learned that someone who was working alongside us was doing work for . . . *those* guys? AXEL: Um, I'm guessing that you guys haven't actually *watched* "Mulan", have you? WARNERS: Um, *nooo* . . . AXEL: Well, when I was working on doing a voiceover for that film, I was working with someone *else* you puppy-kids have known for a really long time . . . someone who's considered to be one of the greatest female voice artists of all time! DOT: Um . . . Tress MacNeille? WAKKO: Julie Kavner? YAKKO: Cree Summers? (Y&W in unison) HELLOOOOO, "A Different World" NURSE! (Dot glares at her brothers) AXEL: Nope, someone a lot more experienced than those two; does the name "June Foray" ring a bell? (The Warners gasp in shock) YAKKO: Our "Granny" and "Rocket J. Squirrel" June Foray?! But she's one of the greatest voice artists *ever*!! AXEL: That's what I said! Anyway, here's her name in the (bleep)in' credits; she did the voice of the grandmother in the film! By the way, I really liked working with her on that film, and hearing her talk about what it was like working on "Rocky and Bullwinkle"! (Axel grabs from his car's glove compartment a copy of the "Mulan" script, and flips to a page with the voice cast's credits. The Warners read the page . . . ) AXEL: See? Not to mention another old favorite voice artist, Frank Welker, did work on that (bleep)in' film, too. So all in all, that's why I think I'm owed a little (Stressing each syllable) a-po-lo-gy, *heh . . . heh . . . heh*. Besides, why blow me up and turn me down as a friend just for workin' for those guys when *June Foray* worked for them, too? I *know* you wouldn't think of blowin' *her* up! Besides, *you* of all people should know that voice artists aren't loyal to just one (bleep)in' studio! If that were true, Mel Blanc's career and the world of animation wouldn't be as rich as it had been! YAKKO: (Sighs) As much as I hate to admit it---you're actually . . . right.Besides, not that we'd even think of doing something like that to June Foray, but blowing her up would pretty much be cartoon *blasphemy*---if we did that, we wouldn't be hired in this town for so much as a crudely-done promo for "P*k*mon"! (Wakko and Dot nod in agreement) DOT: Well, Axel, I suppose we can forgive you for doing the "Mulan" voiceover, if you promise not to bring up any mention of any of your work with that . . . *other* studio . . . ever again. AXEL: Um, sure! YAKKO: Aaaaah, but for all that "trying-to-bring-on-the-apocalypse-in-the-future" stuff and all those times you called us "blankety-blank puppy brats" and said you "hate us blankety-blank Warners so much" and stuff like that, I'm afraid you're gonna have to do a lotta things to get back on our *good* sides. (Yakko wiggles his eyebrows) AXEL: (Sighs) Fine, you name it . . . just as long as it's not bein' subjected to that crazy "two places at once" (bleep) again! YAKKO: Don't worry, nothing *that* pathetic . . . (To his sibs) at least at this point in the story, anyway . . . AXEL: Fine . . . (Pats the sibs on their shoulders) Heh, heh, heh, don't worry, you kids won’t regret havin' the main man back on your sides.... (The sibs look at each other with worried looks on their faces...) NARRATOR: And indeed, the siblings *didn't* regret having Axel back on their sides....as the months passed, Axel proved his worth in such fanfic outings as "Have Yourselves a Wakko Little Christmas" (Cue a clip of Axel jumping into a pit, saying "I've had enough of this (bleep)! See you in Hades!"), and, um, that's pretty much it. Yes, that concludes the harrowing tale of Axel Foley's reformation! And now, on to, um, the actual *story*... (Mutters) that was the *prologue*?! Good heavens, I can only imagine what the actual *story*'s going to consist of...oh, geez, the microphone's still on, isn't it? (Sighs) (Fade back to the present, where we see the Warners are walking down the street, en route to yet another job opening...) DOT: OK, I'm sure that trying to get hired as grease monkeys, mid-level executives, school bus drivers, and the CEO of Apple Computer didn't work out, but I'm *sure* that getting hired as *this* can't fail... WAKKO: I dunno, Dot...I mean, isn't things getting kinda desperate to want to work---*there*?! (Wakko points to the want ad, which indicates that sales staff are needed at a Warner Bros. Super Store) YAKKO: Desperate times call for desperate...um...stuff, Wakko. Besides, if we work there, we get our own merchandise for a *whole* 10% off! Just think of the savings after shelling out for state and local sales taxes! WAKKO: Faboo! I want some cheaply-made keychains with the Brain’s face on it that run for 8 bucks! DOT: I want a beanbag toy that marginally looks like me! YAKKO: I want an animation cell of Minerva Mink... Y&W: *HELLOOOOO, NURSE*! DOT: Hmph...*boys*... (The sibs finally reach the WBSS, but what greets them is a horrific sight: various people are seen picketing in front of the store, waving various signs reading "Puppy Kids Go Home", "Warners: Not Ready For Daytime Players", and "Dot, the *Un*cute One".) WAKKO: (Shocked) Yakko, what's goin' on?!? Why are those people angry at *us*?! YAKKO: *Good* question! Let's find out! (The sibs walk over to the picketers...) YAKKO: Aaaaah---- PICKETER: It's them! The *Warners*! The worst monsters of our time! (The picketers begin yelling and growing quite angry) DOT: I'll handle this... (Curtseys in front of the group) Hi there! I'm the---- PICKETER #2: Immoral and traitorous leach of our country, that's what! DOT: Um, *no*, I'm the cute one...remember? "Tee-hee"? "Curtsey laugh"?! (Grows nervous when she sees she’s not having any affect) Um...Wakko? WAKKO: Uh...want to see me make funny noises with my hands? (The picketers completely lose it, and begin running amok...they begin to chase after the Warners, who decided to run for it...) WAKKO: (Running) Yakko, what's going *on*?!? DOT: Yeah, usually they don’t get this angry until *after* they get to know us! YAKKO: I dunno, guys, but I bet it has something to do with that telegram we got from the police academy! DOT: *Those* guys?! When did you get this telegram? YAKKO: I was savin' it in case this job didn't wash out... (Looks back, to see the protesters are still angry) Which seems to be the case... besides I figure gettin' this thing from the academy couldn't be a *complete* coincidence with bloodthirsty protesters... DOT: Well, what're we waiting for? Let's get going... (The Warners run off, as the protesters continue to protest outside the WBSS...) NARRATOR: Yes, things look bad for the Warners' popularity...but they aren't the *only* ones to face such "Q" rating quibbles...as we cut to a certain laboratory in New York City, we see Pinky, Billie, and Brain deal with an equally venomous reaction! (We see the mice are watching a news report on TV, showing various protesters looting and trashing a WBSS in Manhattan...we see various individuals hurl bricks through windows, a man setting a pile of Brain and Pinky dolls on fire, a protester ripping the head off a Billie doll (with a tag reading "Last One In Stock *Anywhere*!"), and a disgruntled fan trading in his PatB merchandise for a refund. The store staff look quite panicked, as chaos reigns...) BRAIN: (Shocked) I can’t believe what I’m seeing! PINKY: (Shocked) Oh, yes! The idea that they still had merchandise of us at the stores is *astonishing*! *NARF*! BILLIE: (Shocked) No, Pinky, Eggy means that for some reason, the public's turned on us! What did we do to deserve this?! Um, besides Eggy’s usual nightly mission being a possible cause, of course... BRAIN: I don't know, Billie...but this telegram we received from that police academy Pinky and I enrolled in months ago may give us some clue! (Walks over to the telegram, reading it) It says we're requested to return to the academy as soon as possible, with "the state of the nation" in our hands! Hmm...Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? PINKY: I think so, Brain, but isn’t vaudeville dead? BRAIN: No, Pinky, I mean, if we were to put an end to whatever is causing this nationwide chaos, we'd not only restore our reputations, but also gain such acclaim, that we'll be demanded to ascend the highest office of the land! PINKY: Um...we’re going to be the CEOs of Microsoft? (Brain clasps Pinky's mouth shut) BRAIN: Come, you two, we must catch the first plane to *Burbank* at once! (The three mice exit the scene...) (We do a "checkerboard" wipe from ACME Labs to the Burbank, California police academy headquarters, where see the Warners heading toward the office...however, they soon run into none other than Axel "(bleep)ing" Foley himself...) AXEL: Hey, ya crazy (bleep)s! You got the same telegram, too? WAKKO: Yeah...what’s going on? Why does everybody *hate* us?! AXEL: Beats me...when I left the main Detroit P.D. headquarters, there were all these angry people protestin’ outside! Said I was a "bad influence"... (the Warners snicker at this) At any rate, it’s gonna make what I plan to do even harder if we don’t resolve this (bleep)! DOT: What’s that? AXEL: Kids, you are looking at the newest, independent candidate runnin’ for the U.S. House of Representatives for the state of Michigan for this year’s elections! (The Warners take one look at Axel, before breaking down into laughter; Axel looks dejected) AXEL: HEY! I was bein’ serious! YAKKO: (Laughing) Sorry...just that...that... *YOU*! (The Warners laugh some more, until petering to a stop) OK, so why are you running? (Snickers some more) AXEL: My home state of Michigan needs the strong candidate! Someone who can clean things up in (bleep)in’ D.C.! And *I’m* it! And I want *you* crazy guys to help me run as my campaign staff! Just think... "Representative Foley"! Just like that "Distinguished Gentleman" movie...er, only without the con artist (bleep) stuff, of course....so, what do you say? YAKKO: Aaaaaahhh.... (To his sibs) What do you think? DOT: Well, this police assignment will probably end with us still unemployed...and it beats working as cab drivers...and maybe we’ll get to meet that hunky George Stephanopolous guy when we get interviewed by the media! *HELLOOOO, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL AID NURSE!* (Yakko and Wakko roll their eyes) WAKKO: Plus, we can ask Don Knotts to donate money to the campaign fund! YAKKO: OK, then...I guess it beats wallowing in *complete* boredom... (To Axel) OK, Axel, you’ve got a campaign staff! (Shakes Axel’s hand) You’ll never live to regret it! (Axel looks a bit worried about that remark) AXEL: Great! C’mon...let’s go inside and see why we got called here! (The Warners and Axel walking into the office of Sgt. Small, where we see gathered various characters: Slappy Squirrel; Pinky and the Brain; Billie; the Sargent himself; and . . . Roz the bailiff, from the 1980's sitcom "Night Court". Slappy, Pinky, Brain, Billie, and Roz are all wearing standard police officer uniforms. On the wall of the office hangs a photo of the buried-at-sea, late Capt. Caps.) SGT. SMALL: Welcome back, Warners! And you too, Mr. Foley . . . I am Sgt. Small, the replacement for my dear departed brother, Captain Caps . . . (* Capt. Caps-the-Academy-head died of a heart attack and was buried at sea at the end of the original "Warner Academy" mission---Brainatra, pointless continuity referencer) (Sighs) Anyway, with that formality out of the way, let's get down to business. I'm sure you're acquainted with everyone in the room here except for our newest recruit, Rosalyn. You've all been chosen for this mission for both your handling of the Beanie Baby case and for your unique talents . . . DOT: (Rolling her eyes) Like abusing a certain spatial distortion gag that hopefully *won't* be rehashed to death in this story? SGT. SMALL: *Ahem* . . . um, yes. Be that as it may, all of you are our only hope to stem the tide of chaos that has swept the nation! DOT: (To Roz) I remember you from that old TV sitcom! But I thought you were just a bailiff! ROZ: Well, I was, but I wanted to go on and do something different, something other than working with the same creeps and weirdoes practically every week . . . (Stares at the Warners and Axel) . . . (Flatly) then again, maybe it *won't* be so different . . . SLAPPY: (Laughs) Heh, heh . . . (To Yakko) I like her, don't you? YAKKO: Aaaaaaah . . . yeah. SLAPPY: (To Roz) Hey, I like your style, there . . . rude, yet observant . . . ROZ: Thanks; wanna go get somethin' from the police academy commissary after we're done here? SLAPPY: Sure, why not? I need somethin' to take my mind off what happened when I went to the store this mornin' for some more walnut cola...I stepped one foot in the door, and the entire checkout staff nearly tore my head off! Lousy minimum wage brats...fer some reason, they kept yellin' about my bein' "unstable" or something, and told me not to come back...it’s not like I wasn’t going to pay for all those tabloids! ROZ: All that happened *this* morning? SLAPPY: Yeah...and on the way over here, I saw some schmoe with a steamroller running over those "Branimaniacs" boxes with my face on ‘em...yeesh, I knew they tasted *bad*, but... SGT. SMALL: (Annoyed) *Enough* of this! Now, as I was saying before, we need your help on this important case! We need you to find and stop the evil duo that're ruining your reputations *and* flooding stores from coast to coast with... *FOX MERCHANDISE*! (Orchestra music: Bum-bum-buuuummmm....) DOT: Fox merchandise? Who would want to fill stores with *Fox* merchandise?! SGT. SMALL: Why, none other than . . . Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch and "Family Guy""s Stewie Griffin! (Bum-bum-BUUUUUMMMM...) (The Sarge flashes to the group a picture of Stewie, in a typical grimacing pose, posing with Rupert Murdoch.) PINKY: Gee, Brain, he sure looks a lot like *you*, especially with that oversized head, NARF! BRAIN: I fail to see any resemblance, Pinky . . . besides, whoever heard of someone with such a ridiculously disproportionate-sized head ensconced atop such a small body?! (The others in the room attempt to stifle their laughter at Brain's remark; Brain looks perplexed by the others' response.) AXEL: Hold the (bleep)in' phone! Why would Murdoch be working with Stewie? Among other things, "Family Guy" got yanked by Fox! Last I checked, they're just burnin' off the old episodes of that (bleep) show as fast as they can... BILLIE: Axel's gotta point; why work with a character from a series that's been given the axe? SGT. SMALL: Apparently, Murdoch only yanked "Family Guy" in order for Stewie to have time to help implement this evil scheme! According to our agents, Murdoch and Stewie plan on using the wake left by all of your ruined reps to build popularity for his Fox series as part of Murdoch's plan to take over all broadcasting media on Earth, and transform our world's media to an all-Fox lineup! In addition, Murdoch’s renewed that wretched "Family Guy" program, unfortunately. And to top it off, Stewie's plans for *WORLD DOMINATION*! (Same orchestra music as before plays) BRAIN: *WORLD DOMINATION*?!? (Brain does a slow burn) SGT. SMALL: Yes, Mr. Brain . . . we even got reports of the possibility of an "all-Family Guy" channel and "The Stewie Network" as two planned "features" of this brave new broadcasting world. As for how they're ruining your reputations, um, take a look at this tape... it seems to be some sort of fabricated "interview" with you, and it's been airing all over the dial for the past few days! Be warned, this is only a *sample* of the worst that Stewie and Murdoch have in store if their mission succeeds... (Sgt. Small turns a television set on...we see on the screen a Jerry Springer-lookalike host, with the "Fox" logo in the corner of the screen...) HOST: Good evening, and welcome to "World's Most Dangerous Entertainers"! Tonight, we'll be looking at the dark side to some of our favorite entertainers, through our conversation with: animated inkblots Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner, the so-called "Warner siblings"; genetically-altered lab mice Pinky, the Brain, and Billie; Slappy Squirrel; Detroit, Michigan police detective and famed comedian Axel Foley; *and*, in special appearances, Fox's very own Bender the robot of "Futurama" and Homer J. Simpson of "The Simpsons"! Welcome to all of you! (Cut to a shot of all the mentioned characters, seated in chairs...however, they all look rather, um, less-than-their-normal-animated selves. Instead of being the *real* characters, it looks as if they're actually...*recycled stock footage* of the characters! (Orchestra: Dum-dum-duuuummmmm....)) VOICEOVER: (*Really* quickly read) Please note that all dialogue in this interview has actually been uttered by the characters themselves. Fox assumes complete freedom to edit, splice, recycle or otherwise slice-and-dice any and all footage as it wishes. The following may be inappropriate for sensitive viewers, viewer discretion blah blah blah... (Back to normal speaking speed) and now, back to the show! HOST: Let's start with the Warner siblings...siblings, we have footage that suggests you may be up to nefarious activities involving the use of your water tower *and* your "Warner Academy" police training...is that true? YAKKO: (Recycled dialogue/footage from "Wakko's New Gookie") Yesiree bob-a-rooney! HOST: I see...so you don't deny that you're plotting to run some sort of covert militia-like operation from your water tower? If needed, we have proof right here! Do you wish to see it? WAKKO: (Recycled dialogue/footage from (any # of A! episodes)): Faboo! HOST: Good! Roll the film! (Cut to a jerkily-moving, black-and-white film footage of various clips of the Warners in police/army gear from "Of Course You Know, This Means Warners", "Warner Academy", and that A! episode where they accidentally join the army.) VOICEOVER: Exclusive! Ever wonder what the Warners *really* have been up to since their show has been canceled? Fox presents proof that the Warners have been secretly organizing their own militia! (Cut to footage of the Warners marching in army gear, followed by footage of the Warners pulling the infamous "two places at once" gag on McDonald's™ workers in "Warner Academy". We also see footage of Yakko running down a guy in a Donald Duck costume at Disneyworld, without any remorse, from the unedited version of "Warner Academy", as well as the Warners behind sandbags from "Baloney and Friends".) VOICEOVER: See for yourself...Yakko Warner planning to take over the world, *one* *country* *at* *a* *time*! (Cut to a shot of Yakko singing "Yakko's World", while pointing at the countries on the map) VOICEOVER: Also see that Wakko himself plans on recruiting members for this organization, one state at a time! (Cut to a shot of recycled footage of Wakko jumping on a map from Baton Rouge, Louisiana to Indianapolis from "Wakko's America). From the sultry bayous of Louisiana to the crown jewel of the Hoosier state, Wakko's recruitment drive knows no bounds. Of course, Wakko is also *more* than capable of going on a *psychotic rampage*! (Recycled footage of Wakko going berserk from "Potty Emergency", as well as footage of Wakko's coffee-fueled rampage from the unedited version of "Package Deal", including part of the infamous "Wakko vs. Mindy" chainsaw fight scene.) VOICEOVER: And Dot, well...talk about equal opportunity for females! (Cut to footage of Dot going beserk in "Cutie and the Beast"). The cute one, or the *traitorous* one?! All in all, could this be an animated army being organized?! (Cut to a shot of the sibs' Water Tower, with dramatic music playing heavily) (Cut back to the "interview" session...) HOST: There you have it! Beloved out-of-work cartoon stars, lashing out at the world for their recent cancellation? Perhaps...but let's ask the sibs! Warners, what do you have to say about this retched covert operation of yours? WAKKO: (Same recycled footage as above) Faboo! YAKKO: (Recycled dialogue/footage from one of the A! title scenes) Aaaaaaaahhhhh.... DOT: (Recycled dialogue/footage from "Cutie and the Beast") (That scene of Dot swearing/yelling angrily in frustration) HOST: My goodness, you siblings certainly are angry at the world! I can only wonder if that "two places at once" spatial distortion gag of yours was developed for some nefarious means... WARNERS: (Recycled from (some random A! episode)): Yes. HOST: Any comments about this, Mr. Bender? BENDER: (Close-up of Bender's face; however, it's recycled footage of Bender sitting perfectly still and not moving an inch, with crudely dubbed-in dialogue) Bite me, fleshbag! HOST: (Chuckles) OK, Bender, let's settle down, all right? Now, we'll hear from Mr. Simpson...any comments, Homer? HOMER: (Recycled footage of Homer (from the first season of the "Simpsons", no less) sitting absolutely still and not moving an inch) (Dialogue recycled from that "Simpsons join a cult" episode) Shut up, jerk@$$! HOST: Whoa, there, Homer, let's keep the language to a minimum, OK? Save it for your next highly amusing and wacky episode next week, where classical Greek mythological creatures will be helping you run the power plant! HOMER: (Same motionless footage; dialogue from the episode where Lisa was born) *Yes*! HOST: All right, just one more question, Warners: can I assume that you're not planning on including your infamous missing *fourth* sibling, "Sakko", as a member of your militia? (Holds up a picture of "Sakko", from the extremely-less-than-mediocre A! comic book story "The Fourth Warner") YAKKO: (Recycled footage/dialogue) Aaaaaah...not really. HOST: Figures...I suppose when *this* revolution comes, folks, the Warners' own sibling Sakko will *not* be spared...let alone even *acknowledged* as being their own flesh and blood! But we'll be taking a look at what "true circumstances" led to "Sakko"'s origins and current whereabouts on the upcoming special, "Cartoon Scandals Revealed"! WAKKO: (Same recycled bit) Faboo! HOST: Well then, let's move on to Misters Brain and Pinky, and Miss Billie. Now then, Mr. Brain, is it true that you don't truly care for the people of this world, and that you plan on turning all of humanity into your own personal slaves while ruling over them in a repressive, fascist manner? BRAIN: (Recycled footage from (any PatB episode)) (Fist clenched) *YES*! HOST: And is it true that you wouldn't mind using brutal force, as these photos prove? (Cut to still-shots of Brain with his giant vegetables from "Brain Acres", and hitting Pinky on the head with a pencil (from any random episode)) Aside from your obvious approval of the highly controversial genetic modification of vegetables--- BRAIN: (Same recycled/dialogue footage as above) YES! HOST: ---it's obvious that your contempt for humanity as a whole is leading you to lash out through your intent to spread a fascist, repressive regime throughout the world! BRAIN: (Recycled footage of Brain looking sullen (from any PatB episode); dialogue from "Meet John Brain") I promise to rule in a fair and *just* manner... HOST: Yeah, right. Fair and just for *yourself*...with a merciless, cruel iron *fist*! BRAIN: (Same footage; dialogue from any PatB ep) *Indeed*... HOST: Of course, you've probably already had such experience through your treatment of your so-called "friend" Pinky. Your treatment of Pinky obviously proves that you don't *truly* care about him. Isn't that true? BRAIN: (Recycled footage/dialogue from (some episode of PatB)) I am only cruel to be kind... (Recycled footage of Brain hitting Pinky on the head with a pencil.) HOST: *Ahem*...ah...I see. That'd explain your obviously fascist and repressive ideals in store for humanity once you take over the world as well, I suppose... BRAIN: (Same dialogue/footage as before) *YES*! (From "Meet John Brain") When I take over the country, *everyone* will work for me...if anyone opposes me, I'll teach *them* a lesson...so surrender quietly, and no one will be hurt! HOST: How *sickening*. To think that such a great intellect would use his talents for such acts of totalitarianism is utterly...(Squints to read a cue-card off-stage) *evil*, Mr. Brain. BRAIN: (Recycled footage/dialogue from (some episode)) *Bah*! (Dialogue spliced in from "Meet John Brain") ...once I take over the world, remind me to publicly snub you. HOST: (Rolling his eyes) Of course. Now, Pinky...isn't it true that you're actually the one who constantly thwarts Brain's plans to take over the world, for your *own* career ends? PINKY: (Recycled footage of that "Cartoon Secrets Revealed" promo) I secretly thwart Brain's plans because if he succeeded, the show would be over, wouldn't it? HOST: I'm appalled! Of all the self-centered things to do, but to think of your own *acting career*! While I admit that stopping such a potentially ruthless dictator as Brain would be for the best, it's still a shocking notion that you'd only cross your own friend to boost your own career options! Is this actually *true*?! PINKY: (Recycled footage from "Snowball") (Sobbing) It's true! Troz! *TROZ*! BENDER & HOMER: (More motionless recycled footage/dialogue) Hey, shut up! PINKY: (Recycled footage/dialogue) 'K! HOST: Now now, Homer, Bender, let's not be cruel towards Mr. Pinky...we all know you're more highly developed characters than *this*... BENDER: (Same facial close-up, motionless footage/dialogue as before) Bite me, fleshbag! HOMER: (Recycled footage/dialogue of hitting himself on the head with a plate from "Homer vs. Patty and Selma") No, I'm not! HOST: Um...yeah. Now, then, we have exclusive footage presenting what nefarious deeds the lab mice are plotting...roll the clip! (More black and white jerkily-moving imagery with melodramatic music plays...) VOICEOVER: Brain...high-minded would-be ruler (Display a still-screen of Brain smiling broadly, from "Fly") or cruel, iron-fisted despot? (Cut to recycled footage of Brain whapping Pinky on the head with a pencil) See for yourself, how this lab mouse plans on reducing all of humanity to mind-slaves lacking all free will! (Cue various clips of Brain's multitude of "zombie slave"-oriented plans...) VOICEOVER: A potential version of this "Brain new world" might resemble something like this: (Cue a clip of recycled footage of depressed denizens on Apokolips from a Superman:TAS episode...we see a giant statue of Darkseid in the background, with Brain's head crudely spliced over Darkseid's. A caption reads "Projected Prediction. Potential margin of error + or - 95%.") VOICEOVER: And also see what effect Brain will have on our nation's *children*: actual proof that the Brain has accepted gross sums of aid from the tobacco industry in exchange for providing certain "services"! Even after he promised to take on an anti-tobacco stance! (Cue a still-shot of Brain standing with various tobacco executives in "Inherit the Wheeze", followed by a clip of his "Brainy Cigarettes" commercial.) (Back to the "interview"...) HOST: My goodness, that's awful! Brain, how much money have you received from the tobacco companies for your schemes? BRAIN: (Same fist-clenched recycled footage, with dialogue crudely dubbed in from "Brainania") $14 million dollars! HOST: I see...and how much of that do you currently have left? BRAIN: (Recycled footage/dialogue from "Dangerous Brains" of him clenching several dollar bills) ...just under three bucks... HOST: Indeed...but either way, your promotion of cigarettes to children is the most disgusting thing I've seen since... PINKY: (Recycled footage/dialogue from "T.H.E.Y.") The Senate Ethics Committee? HOST: Um...actually, yes. (Sternly) What do you have to say about all this tobacco talk? BRAIN: (Recycled footage of him smoking from "Wheeze", as well as dialogue) ...I need a cigarette! (Inhales) Ahh... HOST: I see...Mr. Bender, Simpson, comments? BENDER: (Same motionless footage/dialogue) Bite me, fleshbag! (Cut to footage of Bender lighting up a cigar and exhaling) HOMER: (Footage of Homer with a cigar from "Homer vs. Patty and Selma", with dialogue from same episode) Oh, yeah, I'm in flavor country... HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, this is truly one of the saddest sights I've had the misfortune of seeing...but not nearly as sickening and frightening as what Billie has to reveal to us! Now, Billie, are the rumors true that you don't *really* care about Pinky, and that you're only using him to get to Brain so that *you* can take over the world? BILLIE: (Recycled footage/dialogue from "World Can Wait") Yeahhh, I guess so... PINKY: (Recycled footage/dialogue from some episode, sounding sad) Really? BILLIE: (Same footage/dialogue as above) Yeahhh... (Crudely edited dialogue from "Brain Noir") ...I was just using you...Pinky! PINKY: (Recycled footage of Pinky crying) HOST: This is *so* *sad*. But perhaps the most frightening aspect of all this rodent trauma is in the footage I have to present...I must warn you that the following footage you are about to see may not be suitable for sensitive viewers...(muttering) not that that's much of a concern for *this* network...(Sounds of the stage director hissing at the host are heard) Uh, and so, here it is! (Cue to various recycled clips of Billie-as-Sheila yelling at Brain from "Food Pellets", Billie cueing for Brain to be dropped off the top of the water park by a goon from "Brain Noir", and Speedy Gonzales kissing her hand in "Fastest Mice Alive") HOST: And we also have exclusive photos of Billie's *true* beau...the clone of Pinky and Brain known as *Romey*! Oh, the irony, folks... (Cut to various shots of panels of this alleged Billie-Romey "affair" from the Pinky and the Brain comic book story "Acme Valley P.T.A.") Billie, why would you choose a *clone* of Pinky over the "real" deal?!? BILLIE: (Recycled footage/dialogue from "Food Pellets") Uh...I dunno... HOST: Um, yes. Now then, moving along to Slappy Squirrel...Miss Squirrel, do you truly feel fit to raise a child, especially in light of your "episode"? (Cue various clips of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo Clock") HOST: Well? SLAPPY: (Recycled from that episode) Shrimp boats and the women who love them! TOOT TOOT! HOST: Between that and her penchance for violent behaviour, it's a wonder that Skippy *isn't* still living with a foster family, Miss Squirrel. SLAPPY: (Recycled dialogue/footage) Ahhh, stuff it, ya putz... HOST: Um, yes. Now then, moving on to Axel Foley...what do you think of your cohorts here? AXEL: (Recycled footage/dialogue of Axel from "Warner Academy") ...a pain in the (bleep)in' (bleep)! HOST: I see...and any animosity still felt towards the Warners? AXEL: (Recycled footage from "Once and Future Warners", facing the Warners) ...I'm gonna find a way to send you (bleep)s all the way to one million years from now, where you'll *never* come back! (Recycled footage of the Warners gulping) HOST: Whoa, there, Axel, no threats, all right? AXEL: (Recycled footage/dialogue of Axel laughing from the original "Beverly Hills Cop" film...in this case, made more obvious than normal due to the fact that this film was from 16 years ago and Axel's aging since then) (Bleep) you! HOST: Um...yeah. So, there you have it folks... (Waves his hand at a scene of all the characters, who're sitting absolutely motionless/unanimated) the Warners plotting militia actions against our fair nation, Brain plotting even *worse* for humanity as a whole, Pinky thinking only of his own now-ended acting career, Billie plotting global domination and *worse* with someone *other* than Pinky at her side, Slappy still mentally agitated, and Axel Foley still planning on double-crossing the Warners at some point! AXEL: (Recycled from (any of his movies/fanfic stories)) (Bleep) yeah! HOST: And, according to certain sources, plotting to deal in illegal narcotics, as well? AXEL: (Recycled from (any of his movies/fanfic stories)) (Bleep) yeah, ya crazy (bleep)! HOST: Gads! That's worse than Brain's plan to sell cigarettes to children! BRAIN: (Recycled from "Wheeze") ...I'm just...taking advantage of a bad situation... HOST: *Indeed*, Brain...I'll *bet* you are. Well, any comments from our Fox-based actors? BENDER: (Similar motionless footage/recycled dialogue as before) *Noooo*... bite me, fleshbag! HOST: Homer? HOMER: (Recycled from that sub-par Mel Gibson-makes-a-movie episode) Shut up, shut *up*! HOST: What, none of your amusing witticisms? HOMER: (Recycled) Uh... (Using recycled footage from "Trash of the Titans", Homer pushes the completely motionless stock footage of Slappy out of her chair, and sits in her seat) (Recycled dialogue) Hee hee hee... HOST: Oh, Homer... (Shakes his head) HOMER: (Crudely looped footage/dialogue of him slapping his head three times in a row) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! HOST: Indeed...anyway, that's our show for tonight. We'd like to thank all our guests for having the guts to admit to their misdeed on national television. Any parting words, guys? WARNERS: (Footage of them in army fatigues, dialogue from one of the Mr. Director episodes) Be afraid...be *very* afraid... BRAIN: (Same clenched fist footage) YES! (Dialogue from "Brinky") Be afraid...be *very* afraid... HOST: I see...any plans after this show tonight, guys? YAKKO: (Recycled from "Macbeth") Aaaaahhhh, let's send out for pizza! WAKKO: (Recycled from TBCS title sequence) Cheese and pepperoni! (From "A Very Special Cartoon") But let's take the car! YAKKO: (Recycled from that same ep) We'll have to stop and fill it up with gas, though...that pig sucks gas like water! HOST: (Shaking his head) And to think, with the price of gasoline where it is these days...sheesh. YAKKO: (From some old ep) Who cares? (From "PPPGALF") ...GET A LIFE!... BILLIE: (From "WCW") Yeahhh... HOST: Hmph! (The "Warners" leave the stage) HOST: Lemme guess, Brain...back to the tobacco companies to hit them up for more money for tonight's plan? BRAIN: (Clasped fist footage) YES! (Pulls money out of pocket) ...I have just under three bucks... HOST: Yes, yes, we've already determined that...but I'm sure the companies will give you more, *lots* more, especially since it's apparent you've retracted your anti-tobacco stance, Brain. PINKY: (Recycled from "Wheeze") But you promised you weren't going to sell to the kiddies! You-you-hippopotamus! (Runs off stage crying) BILLIE: (Recycled from "Food Pellets") Get out and stay out, ya bum! (Points to something off-stage) My one *true* love... (Pan over to standing-perfectly-still-and-not-moving-an-inch footage of Romey-the-clone) *Ahhhh*... ("Brain" and "Billie" walk off-stage) AXEL: (Recycled from "Once and Future Warners") Just wait'll I get those Warners, and those (bleep)in' lab mice! This saga isn't over yet! (Walks off-stage) ("Slappy" tetters off-stage, yelling "Toot, toot!") HOMER: (Recycled footage) That's it, I'm outta here! (Shot of Homer from the "Simpsons"'s first season walking off-stage in a crudely-animated-looking manner) (Dialogue from the cult episode) Outta my way, jerk@$$! BENDER: (Same motionless footage/dialogue) Bite me, fleshbag! (Cut to a shot of Bender walking off stage) HOST: (Moans and slaps forehead) (Thinking) Even *this* feels like a new low point for Fox to me... (Speaks up) Well, that's all for tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Join us tomorrow for "Secrets of Cartoon Characters Revealed", with a secret expose of the behind-the-scenes moments on the set of "Pokemon"! See what *really* happens back-stage! (Cut to a shot of Charmander frying Brain, from the Pokemon promos) Now stay tuned for "Has-Been Actresses: Where Are They Now?" and "When Lab Mice Attack", later on tonight! (Cut to a shot of an unflattering black-and-white picture of Roz, with the caption "Roz: Has-Been Comedianne or Convenience Store Robber?", and a picture of Billie with her mouth hanging open, with Pinky’s leg crudely spliced in as if he was being "attacked".) So long for now! (Cut to the TV screen in the police academy HQ; we see a remote control hurled at the screen, smashing it. Pan over to see that the person who threw the remote is none other than Billie herself...*everyone* looks *extremely* irate, with Billie the most irate one of all; she looks as if she's about to explode.) YAKKO: (Seething) Militias... WAKKO: (Seething) Rampages... BRAIN: (Seething) Repressive fascist... AXEL: (Seething) Still seekin' (bleep) revenge... SLAPPY: (Seething) Mentally unstable... ROZ: (Seething) Convenience store robber... DOT: (Seething) All a bunch of half-truths and lies, guys... (Billie says nothing, but is huffing and puffing from both rage and from the effort involved in throwing the remote...all are silent for a moment. Finally, Billie speaks up) BILLIE: (*Extremely* enraged) Guys? REST: (Angered) Yeah? BILLIE: (Narrowing her eyes at the now-destroyed TV screen) Stewie and Murdoch are going down...*HARD*! (All cheer wildly in agreement...) SGT. SMALL: Indeed! This is by no doubt the most despicable part of their plan...by ruining your reputations, they'll be sure to prevent the public from giving you any respect ever again, and thus make it easier to take over all media for themselves! Now hurry---there's no time to waste! (Cheering, all race out of the room, and towards their police cars...) (Cut to a darkened room, with various computer equipment, monitors, etc. about...we fade into two figures at an elaborate control panel--none other than this story's main villains, "Family Guy"'s Stewie Griffin and Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch, who've been eyeing this fake interview's zillionth rebroadcast on Fox News gleefully...we see Stewie's stroking a stuffed toy cat a la the James Bond movies' Mr. Blofeld...) STEWIE: Excellent! This is surely my most evil, clever plan yet! By using these recycled clips from those animated morons' old episodes, those zany cretins can't deny having actually said those lines! MURDOCH: Yes, and those spliced-in false rumors should guarantee those losers' ruin! With the public in strife at these accusations, people will riot! Anything with the name "Warner" in it will be burned and trashed! Chaos shall reign! Ratings will skyrocket above the levels of my ill-fated-but-profitable "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-millionaire?"! And soon, I'll be free to spread my reign of lowest-common-denominator material across the globe! STEWIE: Yes! We *will* succeed! And Kesley Grammar's "must-see" days *will* be numbered! (Both figures laugh maniacally, as the background orchestra music builds to a crescendo . . .then, Stewie punches a button on a remote control, changing the display to an image of the Heroes racing towards the patrol cars...) STEWIE: Hmmm...if those genetically modified rats and those three rejects from a Rin-Tin-Tin movie think they can defeat our deviously elaborate scheme, *or* find our secret lair here in Chicago, the Windy City, then they're *clearly* mistaken! Fortunately, I have a few aces up my sleeve . . . (Looks at sleeve, and shakes it; a few crumbs fall out) Well, a few pieces of Cheerios, anyway . . . time to send after those madcap fools the...AGENTS OF DESTRUCTION! (Orchestra music: dum-dum-dummmm . . . a quick zoom-in on Stewie's face shows Stewie rapidly shifting his eyes' pupils left and right . . . ) (Stewie whips out a cell phone, and begins dialing . . . ) (Cut to the "state" of North Tacoma, and its most famous town, Springfield...we see it looks normal (and no longer in a post-apocalyptic state a la "The Warners Meet the Simpletons" fanfic story). Fading to the now-rebuilt Moe's Tavern, we see Moe pick up the ringing phone) MOE: Moe's...uh-huh... (Writing something down on a pad) Ooooh, yeah....*yeah*... why, those little---! I've been meaning to get a chance to do those little pests in for the longest time, after they blew up half the town and my bar with it! I'll be there! (Hangs up) Well, I'm off to team up with pseudo-Russian spies in some podunk Minnesota town to do those puppy-brats in fer ruinin' my bar! Good thing I was able to rebuild it with the deposits from Barney's empty beer bottles and a few "deals"... BARNEY: Glad to help out, Moe! (Belches) MOE: (With a suitcase) I'm outta here! Barney, beat it! BARNEY: Aw, Moe, can't I stay? I promise not to touch anything! (Looks at the beer taps longingly) MOE: I don't think so... *am-scray*! BARNEY: (Trudging out the empty bar) Aww... back to sucking empty beer cans from recycling bins, I guess... (Moe locks up the bar, and takes off for the Springfield Airport...) (Cut to a seedy looking part of Minneapolis, and fade to the inside of a run-down tenement . . . we see various blueprints plastered all over walls, including one blueprint labeled "Stolen Apple Computer Blueprints; Deliver to Mr. Gates". A short, shadow-ensconsed figure answers the phone.) FIGURE: (With a pseudo-Russian accent) Hello? . . . speaking . . . oh . . . I see! OK, then . . . goodbye! (Hangs up) Hey, honey, we've gotten our assignment from the boss . . . to kill some "puppy children" and a comedian cop! And we're supposed to meet up with some bartender named *Moe*! FIGURE #2: What a strange name! FIGURE: Not as strange as the name "Puppy-children"! NARRATOR: Yes, indeed folks, once more it's those deplorable spreaders of human misery, those loathsome larcenous losers, those fiends in human form, *Boris Badenov* and *Natasha Fatale*! BORIS: (To the camera) You were expecting maybe Team Rocket? Come on, Natasha, let's go! (Boris picks up a suitcase with a skull-and-crossbones logo on it, and the two spies head for the door. . . ) (Fade to the inside of a messy looking house, with various newspapers, magazines, and soda cans lying about. We see boxes of P*k*mon merchandise in a corner, with labels reading "For eBay auctioning only", and an older looking computer with a printer attached; the monitor displays eBay's web page. A few copies of the "Hill Valley Telegraph" are seen lying around the room. The figure in this room is talking on the phone to Stewie, while watching a football game on TV . . . ) FIGURE: Uh-huh . . . yeah . . . gotcha . . . a *big reward*? Buddy, you've got yourself a bounty hunter! OK, goodbye! (The figure hangs up, and looks at his computer, which is signaling a new e-mail message . . . the figure clicks the keyboard's buttons, and up pops a picture of the Brain, Pinky, and Billie. ) NARRATOR: As this dimwitted figure prints off a copy of the lab mice's picture, we finally see that it's none other than "Back to the Future"'s main villain and all-around family-sized pain-in-the-butt, *Biff Tannen*! BIFF: Ha! This is gonna be sweet! Big bucks for baggin' a bunch of mice! (Glancing at the picture) Especially this big-headed one! He looks like the dumbest-lookin' one of the whole bunch! All this, and a free trip to Chicago, too! I'm gonna make like a tree, and get outta here! HAHA! (Biff grabs a suitcase, and begins preparing to head for the airport . . . ) (Fade to another figure, speaking with Stewie on the phone . . . the surroundings for this figure's home looks slightly run down; a poster of Andrew "Dice" Clay hangs in the background.) FIGURE: Uh-huh . . . yeah . . . you want me to take care of Slappy and a bailiff named Roz? OK, then . . . no problem! So long! (The obligatory Shadow-Ensconsed Figure figure hangs up the phone, and, still ensconced in shadows, laughs maniacally . . . ) (Fade back to the police academy, where we see Our Heroes inside separate police cruisers; the mice's cruiser has a mouse-sized steering wheel and accelerator/brake pedals on a pile of phone books, rigged up to the main car controls a la the tractor in "Brain Acres". All, except for Axel, are wearing police officer uniforms. We see the Sargent standing off to the side of the three cruisers.) SGT. SMALL: Well, you all have your orders, so I wish you the best of luck . . . and remember, the future of quality news and entertainment *and* your reputations ride on your efforts at stopping the "Ally McBeal" network's dastardly duo! YAKKO: Don't worry, you can count on *us*! Just don’t try using the square root function, though...Wakko’s batteries are wearing down! (Wakko pulls two "AA" batteries from his shirt) SGT. SMALL: (Nervous) Um...yes...now, given that we've received reports of rioting and massive chaos spreading through three main locations as we speak, you must go to these locations to prevent the country from breaking out into chaos *completely*: Las Vegas, Chicago, *and* Minnesota! (The Sarge whips out a portable TV, and turns it to a news program: we see that rioting is indeed amok in these places...in Las Vegas, we see a large crowd of people hurling eggs at a poster of Slappy Squirrel, raiding a local TV station airing "Night Court" reruns, and running amok at the various casinos; in Minnesota, we see a shot of people tearing down a large statue of the Warners at a WB Studio Store, as well as burning a pile of Axel Foley's movies; and in Chicago, general chaos reigns, with various people running amok in the streets, and a large pile of Pinky and the Brain merchandise being run over by someone in a monster truck, with people cheering the driver on...that wacky "Simpsons" riot music plays throughout. The heroes look shocked, then quickly turn angry...) SGT. SMALL: As you can see, it must be stopped before things get worse! The law enforcement agencies in these places are overwhelmed by this rioting, and thus appreciate our help! Therefore, you should all split up: Slappy and Roz, you take on Vegas, the Warners and Axel, you go to Minnesota, and Pinky, Billie, and Brain, you head for the Windy City! Restore the public's opinion of you, stop the rioting, *and* find and shut down Stewie and Murdoch's bases of operation in each location! That Fox merchandise must not reach the stores! Got it? REST: (Angrily) Got it! SGT. SMALL: Good . . . now, since you'll all have police academy financial account privileges on this mission, remember to keep all expenses at a *REASONABLE* level . . . ALL: Ummmm . . . . SGT. SMALL: (Annoyed) *AHEM*! ALL: (Sheepishly grinning) *YES*! SGT. SMALL: *Good* . . . and remember, I'll be contacting all of you by cell phone to check on your progress! Now, after handling each of your targets, I suggest you all regroup at a specific location . . . BILLIE: Hmmm . . . how about we all meet up at that "Rock and Roll McDonald's™" place in Chicago? (The others, except for Brain, utter sounds of agreement with Billie's meeting place suggestion.) BRAIN: (Sarcastic) Goody . . . *another* trip to McDonald's™ . . . can't we go to Burger King™ instead? At least that low-cost eatery offers a marginally better selection of salads! (The others stare at him) *sigh* . . . never mind . . . SGT. SMALL: Good, then, you're all agreed . . . now go, and *good luck*! (The cruisers all take off, and head for the Interstate; once there, they take three separate directions, each team heading for their respective destinations . . . ) (Cut to the Warners' car, heading down a stretch of Interstate highway . . . the background music softly plays an A!-variant version of the "Hill Street Blues" theme...) YAKKO: Hey, can we stay at the Hilton while in Minnesota? I mean, we *are* getting "police benefits" on this mission . . . AXEL: (Sighing) We'll see, though I doubt a town as small as Frostbite Falls is gonna have a Hilton . . . but if you kids behave, I might take ya to that "Mall of America" place, though . . .besides, if we do a good job, think of the publicity and donations we’ll get for my campaign! I’ve got the bumper stickers, I’ve got the campaign buttons, I’ve got a platform, I’m *ready*! What more do I need?! WARNERS: Um... AXEL: Rhetorical question, ya crazy (bleep)s! WARNERS: Oh... DOT: Gee, guys, I guess helping Axel run for election means that we *will* be listening to campaign speeches... WAKKO: In the year 2000... YAKKO: With Al Gore and the son of George Bush... (All shudder at the thought of their prediction from the fanfic story "Package Deal" having come to pass...) (Cut to a shot of their cruiser speeding off down the road, towards the former-pro-wrestler-governed state, as do the other cruisers to their destinations...) NARRATOR: Well, our heroes are finally on their way towards thwarting whatever foul, sinister, and infantile deeds Stewie and his co-conspirator Murdoch are up to . . . will Stewie and Murdoch's plan succeed?! Will public opinion against the Heroes prove to be their undoing?! Will we see even *more* recycled gags from the first "Warner Academy" story before this sequel is finished?! We'll find out next time in: "THE LAND OF 10,000 FLAKES", or: "NOTHING VENTURA-D, NOTHING GAINED" (Commercials for the oh-so-exciting new CNN series "DC Smackdown!" play, a new series designed by Turner to appeal to the apathetic, nonvoting portion of the American electorate, with the "main event" being "Puny Human #1" vs. "Puny Human #2" (a.k.a. George W. Bush and Al Gore) in "The Presidential Debate Ring", moderated by everyone’s favorite big-headed green alien newsanchor from "Futurama"...don’t miss it!) (Cut back to the Warners' police car, with Axel at the wheel. They zoom past a sign that reads "Welcome to Minnesota (not to be confused with Cherry Soda)." We cut to interior to see Wakko sitting, looking rather bored. He rips out a chunk of the foam from inside the car's seat and stuffs it in his mouth, chewing on it like a cow.) YAKKO: Are we almost there? We sit in the car with this living garbage disposal much longer, and we won't have any car left... WAKKO: (Turning to Yakko; stink lines come out of his mouth as he speaks.) Hey, I can't help it...that triple-A brochure just didn't fill me up... YAKKO: Eeew, foam breath! Here, try this! (He grabs the little pine tree good-smell-making thing off from the mirror, and shoves it into Wakko's mouth. Wakko swallows and breathes into his hand.) WAKKO: Ah, much better! Thanks! YAKKO: Don't mention it. (We go to the front, where we see Axel driving--and he's wearing eyeshadow, rouge, a pink dress, a redheaded wig, and sloppily-applied lipstick. We see Dot holding a mirror up behind Axel, so he can see the reflection of the back of his head in the car mirror. Apparently, she's been giving him a "makeover." He's obviously agitated, but trying very hard not to explode, due to his promise to "reform.") DOT: There! Now, don't you just look absolutely fetching? AXEL: (Very sweetly.) Eh-heh...now, listen, you cute (bleep)in' little kid, you...why don't you sit your (bleep) down in the (bleep)in' seat? Mr. Foley can't see where the (bleep) he's goin', and you don't wanna wind up in a (bleep)in' accident...anyhow, we're here in Minnesota! Why don't you read your (bleep)in' tourbook, and try to learn somethin' about this lousy (bleep)in' (bleep) hole? DOT: Well, since you put it sooo nicely...aside from the inevitable R-rated patois...okay! (She slips back to the back seat, next to her brothers.) Hiya, guys! Where's that book? YAKKO: (Pulling it out of his pocket and handing it to her.) Here...and you'd better appreciate it...had a heck of a time keeping this bottomless pit from stomaching it. (Jerks his thumb at Wakko, who's leaning out the window.) DOT: What's his problem? YAKKO: Ah, he's feeling carsick. I warned him not to eat the travel Scrabble... (Wakko pulls his head into the car and coughs up five small squares with letters on them. They land on the floor and spell out "BLECH.") DOT: (Flipping through the book.) Hm...oh, wow...lookit that...oh, keen...ah, I didn't know that...ooo... YAKKO: Well? DOT: (Closing the book.) Wow...Minnesota must be the most boring state in the world...nothing happens here! WAKKO: Ah, I'm sure there's more boring... YAKKO: Sure...there's Indiana! (Yakko grabs the book.) Hey, this doesn't look like such a terrible place... (We cut to a shot of the book, as Yakko runs down a column on "General Info.") Says here they're also known as the "Gopher State" (Picture of the Looney Tunes’ "Goofy Gophers", holding up a little banner that reads, "Gopher It!"), the state flower is the Pink-and-White Lady's Slipper (Shot of a shapely female leg, with a pink & white bunny slipper on), the state bird is the common loon (Shot of Daffy Duck, doing his "hoo-hoo!" act), the state drink is milk (That "Bob Dole with a milk mustache" ad from the 1996 election), the state muffin is blueberry (Shot of said muffin, with the caption, "Part of this incomplete breakfast"), and the state seal is Kevin. (Shot of Kevin Seal, former MTV moron.) WAKKO: (Suddenly breaking into song, as the band swells up.): WAKKO: Sorry...I can't help breaking into song when I'm hungry. YAKKO: (Reaches into a box.) Here...eat some of Axel's campaign pins! (He pulls them out, and Wakko opens his mouth and dives for them. Yakko pulls his hand away, leaving the pile of pins floating in mid-air for a moment, before Wakko gulps them down.) WAKKO: Mmm...ow! Oh! Ouch! Eep! ...aaaah. AXEL: HEY! WATCH THOSE THINGS, YA (BLEEP)IN' SONS A'-- (The three Warners tap their feet and "tsk tsk tsk.") AXEL: Er...I mean, uh...here, help yourselves to some bumper stickers! (Forces a grin as he hands them another box.) WAKKO: (Pushing it away.) No thanks...those always stick to the roof of my mouth, and won't come off for days...besides, the glue you used tastes funny. AXEL: Hmph... (He takes the box back, and pulls one of the stickers out. He analyzes it, sniffs it, then at last licks it.) (Grumbling.) Tastes fine to me...best (bleep)in' glue I ever tasted...hmph... YAKKO: (Shifting through some of the boxes of campaign material in the back of the car; he holds up a poster that reads, "VOTE FOR JEFF JOHNSON," with the name crossed out, and "AXEL FOLEY" rather sloppily substituted.) Hey, who's Jeff Johnson? And why is your name written over his on all these posters and bumper stickers? AXEL: Er...that's a rather long story, kiddies...and at any rate, we're here! (They pull up to a rustic-looking motel called the "Bread & Butter Inn.") YAKKO: Oh, how quaint... DOT: If you'd be so kind as to get the bags, Axel, dear? AXEL: Well, actually, I am a bit tired after that drive...I was hoping maybe I could go to the room and rest, and you kids...could...unpack... (He notes that the three are all brandishing mallets.) Er...that is to say...ah, (bleep). (He tiredly walks to the trunk, and starts taking out the suitcases.) WAKKO: See you in the room! (The three run off. Axel mumbles some fouler-than-usual obscenities under his breath.) (We cut ahead to the Warners in their room. Yakko is lying on the bed with the remote, flipping through the TV stations so fast he can't even see what's on. Wakko is on the phone, and Dot is flipping through the Gideon's Bible.) DOT: ...and Jechonias begat Salathiel; and Salathiel begat Zorobabel; and Zorobabel begat Abiud... YAKKO: Wait, wait...who begat Jechonias again? DOT: Josias. YAKKO: This story is confusing...the cast is too large! We hardly get a chance to get acquainted with any of the characters! DOT: Hm...well, all the reviews called it "the greatest epic ever!" Maybe it gets better... WAKKO: Could you guys keep it down? I'm trying to conduct a business transaction here! (To the phone.) Yes, that's right...five of everything on the menu! ...well, it's just a sampler...once I decide what I like, I'll order a larger amount. ...right...and could you include about 50 mustard packets? Thanks! (Hangs up.) (Dramatically.) I'm going to live through this, and when it's all over, whether I have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill, I'll never be hungry again! YAKKO: Look, Wakko, if you're gonna start quoting old movies, you can go sleep in the hallway. WAKKO: Sorry...I'll be better once the food gets here! (Suddenly, someone knocks at the door.) YW&D: (Running up to the door.) Who iiiiis iiiiit? AXEL: (From outside; grunting from the weight of all the luggage.) Axel. Open the door, quick! I'm gonna collapse... YAKKO: But how do we know it's really you? AXEL: Open the (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)in' (bleep) son-of-a-(bleep)in' (bleep)y door, ya (bleep)in' (bleeps)! DOT: Yep...that's Axel! (Yakko grabs at the knob and turns it. The whole door falls off its hinge, and into the room. Axel collapses onto the bed, dumping the luggage on the floor, as the Warners stare at the door.) DOT: Lovely...how much d'ya suppose the Academy paid to send us here? (The three pick the door up with some effort, and slam it back into place. Unfortunately, this also causes the west wall to collapse, crushing Axel in bed.) AXEL: (Under wall.) Ah, (bleep). (The three kids shrug at us.) NARRATOR: As we fade to the following morning, and see the sun start to rise, we find the Warners and that rouge-turned-good-turned-politician, Axel Foley, are having breakfast in a small restaurant in Frostbite Falls! (Cut to this scene, where we see that Wakko's scarfing down pancakes like nobody's business...his siblings and Axel watch this with a slightly disturbed look...) YAKKO: Wakko... WAKKO: (In mid-scarfing) Um...yeah? DOT: How about saving some for the *rest* of...the restaurant? AXEL: Yeah! Besides, this ain't "all you can eat"! Do you know how much all this is (bleep)in' costin' us?! WAKKO: Aw, don't worry...I charged it to the police academy's account! They're supposed to be paying for our trip, remember? REST: Oh...right! (They all order some more food of their own, with this in mind...) AXEL: (Glancing over at the other side of the room) Hey, check it out...Jesse "the Body" Ventura! Must be givin' some sort of governor's speech or somethin'...think I'll go talk to him. Y'never know...he might be willing to lend support to my little political campaign! WAKKO: Weren't we supposed to be looking for Stewie's base of operations and restoring our popularity? YAKKO: Ooooh, somebody remembered the plot! WAKKO: Really? Faboo! (Glances out the window) Hey, look over there, guys! I see moose! DOT: Moose? Where?! I could use some for my hair after that long trip... WAKKO: No, not *that* moose...*that* one! NARRATOR: Yes, walking into the restaurant were none other than those stalwart heroes of the Land of 10,000 Lakes, Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose! ROCKY: Gee, Bullwinkle, the restaurant owner said the governor wanted to see us for *something*... BULLWINKLE: To show him my half-nelson? ROCKY: No, it can't be *that*... BULLWINKLE: Yeah...probably just to referee his next match! ROCKY: Bullwinkle, he's a *politician* now! BULLWINKLE: Well, maybe he's going to wrestle the state treasurer? They keep talking about "budget wrangling" and all... ROCKY: *Sigh*... (The Warners approach the moose and squirrel...) YAKKO: (Singing) Hello... DOT: (Singing) Hello.... WAKKO: (Singing) *Hello*..... WARNERS: *HELLO*! ROCKY: Hey, waitaminute....aren't you the Warners? BULLWINKLE: Yeah, and why aren't you wearin' those army togs I saw ya in on that TV interview? YAKKO: Because that "interview" is about as fake as your governor's wrestling moves? WAKKO: Yeah, we've been framed! (Whips out a picture frame, until Dot slaps it out of his hands) We've gotta clear our names! (Whips out a deskplate reading "Wakko Warner", and wipes some smudge off it) BULLWINKLE: Gee, you guys do bad puns, too, huh? DOT: Good thing nobody here's reacted to our presence here so far... ROCKY: Well, all the ruckus I read about was mostly down in the Twin Cities! But if all of you really *are* innocent--- YAKKO: And we *are*... ROCKY: Then we'll *help*! Right, Bullwinkle? BULLWINKLE: Absotively...um...what's the problem again? ROCKY: Oh, *Bullwinkle*.... NARRATOR: And as the siblings explain the whole situation to the dimwitted moose and his plucky squirrel ally in full, we pan over to see that the governor and Axel are having words with each other over issues of the utmost importance to politicans... AXEL: I keep tellin' you (bleep), I'm *not* out to subvert our nation's youth, *or* get revenge on the Warners! They're my (bleep)in' campaign staff for cryin' out loud! That TV interview's a (bleep)in' lie! JESSE: Yeah, right...I called that moose and squirrel here for a photo op---er, to give them an award...*not* to see some foul-mouthed jerk like *you*! AXEL: Look, I need the political campaign support...and if I don't clear my (bleep)in' name, things aren't going to look too bright for *anyone* in the country before long! JESSE: Well...tell you what: you show me your best wrestling move, and if you can pin me to the ground, I'll give my support to you and those weird doglike-things... DOT: (Off-screen, annoyed) *WE'RE NOT DOGS!* JESSE: Eh, sure ya aren't....like I was saying, I'll give you my support! AXEL: (Bleep)in' great! OK, then, let's go! (The Warners grab Wakko's wacky sack, and pull out a wrestling ring from it...they then begin coaching Axel, with Wakko and Dot massaging his shoulders, and Yakko (in a turtleneck sweater and derby hat) playing "coach"...) YAKKO: (sounding like a grizzled old coach) OK, Axy, yer gotta beat this bum into pate! Flatten 'em like a pancake! Julianne 'em like...uh... (whips out a cookbook, and scans it)...well, like a really finely-chopped onion! AXEL: No problem...OK, let's go! (The bell rings...we see the restaurant crowd swarm around the ring, and cheer their governor on...Axel lunges for Ventura's legs, and tries to trip him; however, Jesse picks up Axel, and begins spinning him around, hurling him into one of the poles. Axel, however, only looks a bit dazed...) AXEL: Looks like I'm gonna have to use a bit o' strategy here...Wakko! Get me that binder! (Wakko hands Axel his binder...Axel walks back over to Jesse, and shows its interior to him. Jesse begins looking quite ill, before finally fainting to the floor. Axel steps one foot on Jesse's chest, and the bell rings. Dot, in a referee's outfit, declares Axel the winner...) DOT: The *winner*, and still *ob-scene*...*AXEL FOLEY!* AXEL: Woo-hoo! YAKKO: Eh, what'd ya show him? AXEL: The reviews for all those "B"-movies he used ta do... YAKKO: Oh... AXEL: (Helping Jesse get up) Anyway, we've got his support...now, let's get goin' after that Stewie guy! BULLWINKLE: (Holding a suitcase) And we're comin' along! AXEL: Really? Why? ROCKY: Because we're *heroes*, and heroes always help out someone in need! AXEL: Oh...well, OK! (The group exits the restaurant, head for their police cruiser, and take off...some distance outside of Frostbite Falls, we see hiding behind a billboard reading "The Stewie Channel: Coming Soon!" are Moe, Boris, and Natasha...) MOE: OK, they're comin' this way...so, what's your plan? It doesn't involve CGI does it? BORIS: (Remembering CGI's use in that R&B movie) Oooogh! Of *course* not! Here's the fiendish plan: puppy children are more hormonally charged than whole fraternity put together, right? NATASHA: Hmm...I guess. BORIS: Puppy-children always shout "hellooo, nurse!" at anyone attractive and do what they say, right? NATASHA: *Right*... BORIS: So, here's the plan... (whispers it to Moe and Natasha, who react delightedly) NATASHA: (Delighted) Oh, Boris, you're the Frankenstein of cartoon assassination! BORIS: Beh-heh-heh...I try! NARRATOR: As the three villains put their plan into motion, we return our attention to the heroes, cruising in this direction in their patrol car! WAKKO: Can we stop somewhere? I'm *hungry*! AXEL: AGAIN?! Dang, you eat like a *moose*! BULLWINKLE: *HEY*! ...Besides, I'm on a *diet*... AXEL: Oh, sorry... YAKKO: Hey, what's that? NARRATOR: Axel stops the car, and the heroes all get out...to see standing before them are two familiar-and-muscular-looking lifeguards! (We see Boris and Natasha, dressed as such...Boris is wearing fake-looking muscles and shorts, while Natasha's merely dresssed in a one-piece swimsuit...) BORIS: (Waving at the heroes) Hey there! Allow me to in-tro-dooce myself...Davey Hurlemoff, at your service, and this is my fellow highly attractive lifeguard, Pamela Undertow! WARNERS: *HELLOOOOO, NURSE*! (They go into the usual hysterics, to Rocky and Bullwinkle's surprise) ROCKY: Say, haven't we seen you somewhere before?! BORIS: Not in *this* story, buddy...anyway, how would you all like a free swimming lesson? My treat! YAKKO: (Dazed) Sure thing...as long as *she*'s teaching CPR! NATASHA: Whatever you vant, puppy child dahling... DOT: (Dazed) Ooooh, him too, I hope... BORIS: Very well, all of you come vith me! (The spies and Warners walk off, as do R&B...Axel races after them...) AXEL: WAIT! We've gotta get back to work here! This ain't no summer camp trip! NARRATOR: But too late...as we see the spies lead them to a nearby lake... BORIS: First lesson: the backstroke! All of you get in the water, and we'll get started! Beh-heh-heh! DOT: (Dazed) Sure thing....*sigh*... BULLWINKLE: OK...good thing I ate an hour ago! (The Warners do a spin-change, and emerge in bathing suits) NARRATOR: But as the Warners, Rocky, and Bullwinkle dive into the water, they fail to see that the lake is filled with hungry, ravenous *sharks*! Will the Warners' hormonally influenced poor judgement do themselves in?! Be sure to be with us next time for: THIS BITES, or THE LONE SHARK! (Commercials with a disgusted-looking Daffy Duck being forced to hawk bathroom cleaning products play...) NARRATOR: As we turn our attention to Slappy and Roz, we see that they’re driving into that gilded kingdom of decadence, the wonderland of wedding chapels, the epicenter for Elvis impersonators, the shelter of Siegfried and Roy... SLAPPY and ROZ: We get it, we get it, we're in Las Vegas! (We see a montage of the sights and people mentioned above, with Slappy and Roz glancing around in bemused wonderment. The Anita Baker song with the lyrics "From beginning to end, 365 days of the year..." plays in the background.) ROZ: If the chaos I heard about in New York City is any indication, we must remain inconspicuous if we want to survive! SLAPPY: Although this demeans me, I have an idea to help us get past anyone. What happens is: you pose as a highly sophisticated woman...I'm thinkin' Joan Collins on "Dynasty"...You following me? ROZ: So far, yes! SLAPPY: Good...next, I'll pose as your pet squirrel! ROZ: You...as a pet? SLAPPY: Yeah, it is a pretty stupid idea, but do we want to live by doing something stupid, or die by doing something even more stupid? ROZ: Well, when you put it that way, then we should do it! One more problem, though... SLAPPY: What? ROZ: I don't have makeup, a fur coat, or a cage to put you in! SLAPPY: Darn! (Slappy glances out the window, and much to her surprise, she finds...) SLAPPY: A shopping center! They have a furrier (Aside to the camera) Animal activists will be calling me "Hitler's Second Coming"...and I'm Jewish! Where was I? Oh, right! They also have a makeup department, and a place to purchase pet supplies. ROZ: God truly works in mysterious ways! SLAPPY: You're off by a lot! The person who's working in mysterious ways is 17 years old, overweight, depressed, and working on a movie of his own when he isn't working at the library. (Cut to sometime later, outside the shopping center...we see Roz wearing a lovely dress, while Slappy is wearing a dog collar, a tag reading "Slappy Doo", and is being held on a leash by Roz. Slappy looks rather annoyed...) SLAPPY: I'm gonna get that flippin' Caps fer this "idea"... ROZ: Oh, stop complaining! Besides, it was *your* idea, not his! SLAPPY: I know, I know...dunno what I was thinkin'... ROZ: Um... (Glances across the street, where we see a horde of people burning a pile of Slappy Squirrel videos) us *living*?! SLAPPY: Oh, yeah...anyway, let's hit the casinos! ROZ: To rebuild our popularity and destroy Stewie's scheme, right? SLAPPY: Um...sure. C'mon...I hear Pharoah's Palace is offerin' half price on drinks tonight! (The two walk off, and head for Pharoah's Palace...however, they fail to see that they're being followed by a sinister, shaded-looking figure...namely, Stewie's Vegas-sent thug. Yes, folks, he’s doing the old Shadow-Ensconsed Villain bit...) FIGURE: Ha! That squirrel's costume can't fool *me*! She's going to meet her doom at the Palace...and I don't mean at blackjack! (Cut to Pharoah's Palace sometime later, as we see Roz and Slappy are at a table with people similar to the ones at James Bond's Vegas table in "Diamonds are Forever"...jazz music plays in the background.) CLERK: (To Roz) Hey, we don't allow dogs inside, miss... ROZ: But she's a, um, very special dog---I need her for good luck! CLERK: Yeah? How so? SLAPPY: Um...I can talk, see? So, gimme $20 on number 36, black, or I'll send *you* to the dogpound, OK? CLERK: *Sigh*...whatever...at least you aren't as bizarre as that Hunter S. Thompson guy was... (Unknown to our heroes, the sinister figure seen earlier is lurking beneath the table...he/she laughs sinisterly at what he/she's about to pull on the unsuspecting cops...the figure plants what looks like a plastic explosive underneath the number that Slappy placed her bet on, and a magnet to draw the roulette ball towards it.) NARRATOR: Well, whoever this figure is, they'll have to reveal themselves sooner or later...um...I hope! Will Slappy's gambling be the end for her and Roz-the-ex-bailiff? Be with us next time for: YOU BET YOUR LIFE, or DIE-MONDS ARE FOREVER! (Cut to commercials with Sylvester and Tweety promoting mayonnaise...then go back to the story...) (We fade in on Biff Tannen, wandering the streets of Chicago. He's glancing up at the city’s various skyscrapers and not looking where he's going. Suddenly, he bumps into someone.) BIFF: Hey! Watch where you're going, butthead! You wanta start something?! (The stranger straightens himself up to his full height--6'4". He slides a .32 out of his pocket.) STRANGER: Sure...I'll be glad to start something. Around these parts, they call me...Leroy Brown. (Biff gasps in surprise, and stumbles backwards into the street. As Leroy and the crowd laugh at him, a car zooms by and runs him over. We cut to the inside of the car, where we see the mice...) BILLIE: Eggy, I think we hit something back there...shouldn't we check it out? BRAIN: Whatever it was, the crowd will take care of it. We can't afford to stop...after seeing that Fox special, any crowd that recognizes us will eat us alive. You saw what happened when we made that pit stop in Kansas! They nearly beat us to death with stalks of wheat! PINKY: Oh, yes...I still have grain behind my ears. POIT! BRAIN: Well, here we are...Chicago. What do you think, guys? PINKY: Oh, it's--look! Omigosh, Brain! It's the Kraft Food Headquarters! Oh, someone, quick, get a camera! BILLIE: (Flipping through a tourbook.) Hey, Eggy, get this: according to this, the first McDonald's™ restaurant ever was built right here in this city! (Brain grimaces at this.) PINKY: (Glancing over Billie's shoulder at the book.) Candy capital of the world, "The Taste of Chicago" food festival, the Oceanarium, the Lincoln Zoo...oh, this is definitely my kind of town, Brain! BRAIN: Well, I suppose you two may as well do a bit of sightseeing...once we get to the hotel, we'll have a good night's sleep. Then tomorrow, I'll scout out the area and see if I can flush out Stewie and Murdoch's base of operations, as well as trying to quiet the riots. You two can go off and have some fun for a day or two until I need you. Okay? PINKY & BILLIE: Okay! BRAIN: Wonderful. Frankly, I have no idea how the Sergeant expects us to restore the public's former good opinion of us...judging by the look of this mob, they'll lynch me on sight... (They pull up in front of a hotel called the "Billy Sunday Bed & Breakfast." Brain brakes, and they all hop out. They enter the hotel, and Brain speaks with the guy at the main desk.) Greetings, good sir...I am Mr. The Brain...I have reservations for room 293? (The clerk checks the computer records.) CLERK: (In Droopy Dog-type voice.) Oh, my, you are a short one, aren't you? Ah, here we are...Mr. Brain, from New York. Here on business or pleasure? BRAIN: Actually, I am a laboratory rodent intent on dominating the globe. My associates and I are former stars of television, who have come to restore our good name with the public, after having been badmouthed by Rupert Murdoch and a hyper-intelligent baby named Stewie, star of the mercifully short-lived Fox television series, "Family Guy." CLERK: Don't get smart, now...if you don't want to tell me just say so. Pushy Easterners... Your key, sir. BRAIN: Um...actually, it would probably be easier for us to just slide underneath the door, if it's all the same to you...that key would be a bit bulky for us to lug around anyway. CLERK: Very well. I hope you find your stay enjoyable, sir. Breakfast is from 6 to 9. (The three march off.) Queer folk, those Easterners... (The mice arrive at an elevator.) BRAIN: Hm...uh...who'd like to push the button? PINKY: Oh, me! Me! (Pinky begins reaching for the button. Unfortunately, due to his small size, he doesn't come anywhere near it. But he doesn't let this deter him, and continues to reach up.) BILLIE: Here, I'll get it! (She rushes to a corner, where the janitor has brushed all the trash from the floor. She digs through and pulls out a long piece of string and a paperclip. She ties the paperclip to the end of the string, and uses it as a grappling hook, to pull herself to the top of a nearby banister. From there, she unties the paperclip (nearly losing her balance on the banister for a moment as the knot comes undone), then ties the string into a lasso and throws it. It hooks onto a screw directly above the elevator button. She ties the other end to the banister, and hooks the paperclip onto the string. She slides across, putting her feet forward. Her feet hit the "Up" button head-on, and the elevator comes down and opens. Billie lets go of the paperclip, and lands down on the floor next to the others.) PINKY: Oh...just like on "Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers"! TROZ! BRAIN: (Shocked.) Yes, well, er...let's hurry! The door is closing! (The three dash into the elevator.) (We cut ahead to the hotel room. Brain is in front of a TV showing a news report of another riot at a nearby WBSS. Open near him are newspapers, each with reports on the riots as well. He's busy transcribing his latest plan in his "BIG BOOK OF WORLD DOMINATION." In the adjacent bathroom, the sink has been filled near to the top with tepid water, and steam is coming out. Pinky and Billie are sitting happily on the edge, dangling their feet into it like a hot tub.) PINKY: Oh...watch this, Billie! (He puts his right hand on the surface of the water, and clasps his fingers to his hand quickly. This causes a surge of water to pop out the top of his fist. It splashes up on Billie.) BILLIE: (Laughing.) Oh, that's neat! (She playfully splashes him with her tail. However, when he tries to manipulate his tail around into the water, he slips and falls into the sink.) PINKY: Halp! Halp! I can't swim! Glub! Wa-ha-haaa--*GLUB!* (Billie reaches in, grabs his hand, and helps him out.) BILLIE: (Smiling) Better watch out...if anything happens to you, I'll be stuck here alone with boring ol' Eggy! BRAIN: (From the next room.) I heard that. (Both Pinky and Billie laugh for a bit. Brain slams his book shut in the next room.) BRAIN: Well, I think it'd be best if we all got some sleep...I've got to get up early tomorrow and figure out what I'm going to do to cleanse our tarnished reputations, and you two have to---do...whatever you do. BILLIE: Guess he's right...c'mon, Pinky! Let's set up pillows by the window so we can watch the stars! PINKY: Ooohhh...sparklies! BILLIE: Hee hee...sure. (She pulls the sink plug, draining the sink, and the two run off.) (We see the mice settling in for the night. Brain lies in one of the beds, the covers pulled up over him. He lies, awake and restless, his brain still hard at work. Pinky and Billie have laid two pillows by the window. Pinky is curled up in a ball in his pillow, as Billie lies on her back contentedly looking up at the sky.) PINKY: (Sleepily.) Nighty night, Billie. BILLIE: (Tenderly.) G'night, Pinky. (We fade away from the hotel, and return to rural Minnesota...) NARRATOR: Well, when we last left the Warners, we found that they were up to their necks in shark-infested waters! (We see the Warners, Rocky and Bullwinkle are swimming around in the water, with Boris and Natasha standing closeby, in their "Baywatch"-esque disguises.) WAKKO: Gee, does something about this water feel odd to you? DOT: Like what? WAKKO: Like, I dunno...*sharp*?! BULLWINKLE: Now that ya mention it, it *does* feel a bit jagged...must be "hard" water or somethin'... (We see a shark swim around the swimming group, as the "Jaws" theme music plays...the music builds to a crescendo as the sharks move in on the group, but just as they’re about to attack, Bullwinkle pulls something out of the water...) BULLWINKLE: Here's what's been pokin' me...lousy fish! (Bullwinkle throws the fish with the utmost moose-strength, and it hurls towards the opposite side of the lake; the sharks immediately take off after it.) BORIS: (Surprised) *WHAT*?! (Fuming) Come on, Natasha...time to go talk with a certain shark-buying bartender... (Later on, we see the Warners and R&B back at the car with an annoyed Axel...) AXEL: Where have you (bleep)s been?! YAKKO: We were looking for that dreamy lifeguard to get her phone number, but she vanished...must be applying more sunscreen or something. WAKKO: Wish we could've helped her... (The boys wiggle their eyebrows at each other, while Dot rolls her eyes) AXEL: If you're all finished acting like wild and crazy (bleep)s, we can get goin' to Minneapolis! Accordin’ to the radio, the riots there are gettin’ *worse*! WARNERS: OK! (They all get in the car, and take off...cut back to the spies, speaking to Moe.) MOE: I told ya, it was supposed to have worked! But accordin' to this book (Whips out a book titled "Shark Basics, by S. Lady") sharks seem ta prefer eatin' seafood over humans, or somethin'... BORIS: Blasted sea trivia! Especially when I could've used it while playing along with "Jeopardy" at home last night... NATASHA: Well, Boris, what now? Puppy children, moose, and squirrel are getting away! BORIS: Don't worry...I've got another plan... NATASHA: Will this new plan work? BORIS: Well, *one* of my plans are bound to! Come on...let's get it set up! MOE: Fine... (Cut back to the car, as we see it driving to the Twin Cities...the all-too-typical-and-familiar-by-now Fanfic Montage is seen: McDonald’s™ pit stops, the Warners pestering a group of tourists from Germany to vote for Axel, the sibs harassing Axel with various gags, etc. Finally, we get to the Twin Cities...the car pulls to a stop in downtown Minneapolis, and all get out.) DOT: Wow....Minneapolis. It’s so...so...*Minnesotan*. YAKKO: Oooh, well put, Dot! I’d have said "all trees-y" myself.... DOT: Um, so what now, guys? AXEL: We get this crazy (bleep)in' crowd under control, that's what! DOT: Fine with me... YAKKO: Yeah, and we can start with takin' care of those guys! WAKKO: What guys? (Yakko points to an approaching crowd of people...) YAKKO: Aaaaaah, them. (As the angry mob swarms in, the Heroes begin looking fairly frightened...) DOT: So, what do we do now?! AXEL: Um...kiss our (bleep)s goodbye?!? BULLWINKLE: Cut to a commercial? DOT: Don’t quote lines from that movie of yours, please... BULLWINKLE: Oh, *sorry*... YAKKO: (Looking at a piece of paper on a clipboard.) Let's see..."two places at once"..."right behind 'im"...that "exploding cards" bit...the "turn the room upside down" thing..."hail of anvils"...erm...we could use gookies, maybe? DOT: Gimme that! (She grabs the clipboard.) This is our entire repertoire?! What about all those great gags we did back when we had our show? YAKKO: Well, eh...actually, I've been meaning to go back over our old cartoons and write some of those down... DOT: Great...now what? WAKKO: (Thinking heavily, then getting an idea.) Don't worry...leave everything to me! (He suddenly hops from the center of the crowd, to a high spot on a ledge.) My friends...let us end this madness now! Hasn't it gone far enough? If we take away your threatening protest signs and fancy guns and murderous knives and nooses fit to the sizes of our respective necks, what are you? You're living, breathing, sentient beings, just like me, or my siblings, or these freakishly two-dimensional animals of the wild, or this foulmouthed misfit from Detroit... YAKKO: (Whispering to Wakko.) A word of advice...somehow I think comparing them to us isn't going to exactly improve matters. WAKKO: As I say: hasn't this gone far enough? You gave it to Joey and Dugan and Charley. Charley was one of your own! GUY IN THE CROWD: (Suddenly breaking into tears.) Oh, Charley...I didn't mean to bump ya... It was dark! I thought you was that Capone guy! Oh, Charley... GUY # 2: (Comfortingly.) We all liked Charley...but we don't hold ya's responsible. GUY # 3: Yeah, you're only human...you're gonna make mistakes on the job. Can't be helped. GUY # 1: Well, the odd little fuzzy kid with the face paint and the turtleneck is right...it ends here. (He steps up to Wakko.) Thank you, oh small one, for showing us the error of our ways. We are forever in your debt. WAKKO: Um...can I have an I.O.U. for that? YAKKO: (Pulling Wakko by the arm.) Erm...well, I think it's time we be on our merry little way...thanks so much for seeing it our ways, folks! BULLWINKLE: (Standing in front of a group brandishing knives, nooses, and guns.) Uh...well, you're all a real bunch of *cutups*. Sorry we couldn't *hang around* longer, but...*shoot*! ROCKY: Geez, Bullwinkle, don't give 'em any ideas... AXEL: Can't say it hasn't been a little piece a' (bleep)in' heaven, 'cause it hasn't! Bye! (The six dash off *VERY* quickly.) GUY # 1: Heeey...waitaminnit...I never knew any Charley! GUY # 3: And besides, weren't those the guys we-- (Realization dawns on the crowd. They suddenly take off after our heroes. Meanwhile, we fade to the main hired villains of our epic...) (The dastardly trio hides behind some bushes, making final adjustments to their latest disguises. Boris is dressed as the Brain, Moe as Pinky, and Natasha as Billie. They're all wearing whitewashed M*ckey M*use hats, white bodysuits with cheesy pink tails, and various accessories like hair and noses.) BORIS: These disguises are so perfect they cannot fail! The boss was kind enough to send me a picture of three of those kids' friends--some goofy-looking rodents. With these ingenious disguises, the children will think we're them, and will trust us so that we'll have chance to bump them off. I even got some sample dialogue... (Hands pieces of paper to the other two.) Now, practice your lines! MOE: (Dressed as "Pinky," but reading off a sheet labeled "Brain"--apparently, Boris got the pages mixed up.) Eh..."City-zens of de world...you'se undah my control. You'll do whatever's I sez." Oh, this is corny stuff...what is this loser, some sorta freak? NATASHA: (Reading "Pinky.") "Narf. Troz. Glub." I do not understand. What is character's motivation? BORIS: Never mind...step back and watch some real acting! Ladies and gentlemen...the Brain! (Reading off the "Billie" sheet.) "Pinky is the only one who could love me for who I am! Howabout it, big boy...wanna take over *MY* world?" (Boris looks a bit shocked at what he's just read.) MOE: (Realizing that he's "Pinky.") Now, wait a minute...just what kinda gang am I getting into here?! BORIS: Alright, alright, calm down...we'll figure things out later. Come on, let us find those Warners... (They step out of the bushes. The crowd that was chasing the other six suddenly spots them.) GUY # 2: Hey! It's those mice! The Warners' friends! CROWD: Get 'em! (They immediately alter their course from the Warners to the "mice." Our three villains turn tail and run...cut back to our heroes, who’re still on the run from the angry mob. They duck into, and soon emerge from, a trendy clothing shop called "The Gap Stop Measure", wearing an oh-so-original disguise of sunglasses....the crowd passes all of them by.) AXEL: *Sunglasses*. That’s all that it took to make those (bleep)s not recognize, among others, some (bleep)in’ six-foot-tall guy with *antlers* and three puppy-kids?!? YAKKO: Aaaaah....guess so. (Pulls Axel down to his level) Oh, and by the way... (Yells into Axel’s ear at the top of his lungs) WE’RE NOT PUPPIES! DOT: I think that’s my line. YAKKO: Oops. Sorry. (Grins) AXEL: (Slapping the side of his ear) I’ll say ya are.... DOT: Well, speaking of costumes, I’d hate for *this* one to go to waste.... (Does a spin-change, and emerges in Mary Tyler Moore-esque clothing) (Singing) "Who can turn the stove on with her *smile*?!" (She’s about to toss a blue-colored knit cap up in the air a la the MTM Show’s opening credits, but pauses, as she hears a voice come from behind her...) VOICE: *Ahem*... (Dot turns around, and finds standing there is Mary Tyler Moore herself...) MARY: There’s where my hat went...I’ve been looking for it *everywhere*! (Dot hands Mary back her trademark blue-colored knit cap, and grins sheepishly) Thank you! (Turns around to leave, but pauses a moment) By the way...nice outfit! (Winks, and exits...Dot looks pleased, while Axel looks impatient with all this) AXEL: Great....we don't have time for (bleep)in' song parodies, we've gotta take care of Stewie's operations! So far, all we've done here in Minnesota is beat up some pro wrestler-turned-governor, meet some (bleep)in' flyin' squirrel and moose, and now we're makin' fun of some old 70’s TV show when some (bleep)in' *mob*'s after us! (Glances back at the approaching mob) I think we’d better haul (bleep) to (bleep)in’ Chicago already! BULLWINKLE: (Making a face at this language) Boy, you sure got a potty mouth there... AXEL: Ah, (bleep) it, ya moose... ROCKY: (Also makes a face) I haven’t heard language like *that* since Robert DeNiro got the reviews for that film we made...but anyway, Axel’s right: we’d better go to Chicago! REST: Right! (The group all race for their police car, as do the others, and they take off...) (Meanwhile, we cut back to the sinister lair of Stewie Griffin and Rupert Murdoch...they seem to be annoyed at their Minnesotan assassins’ incompetence...they’re speaking to their hired Minnesotan assassins via a two-way monitor link...) STEWIE: Blast! You've not eliminated those annoying animated idiots like you promised! BORIS: Of course not...I promised I'd *try*...I didn't say I'd *succeed*! (Groveling) Er...no hard feelings, Stewie, boss, buddy? STEWIE: (Narrowing eyes) Well, *TRY HARDER*! Or it'll be *YOUR* lives that'll meet an untimely end! (Turns off the monitor) (To Murdoch) You know, I really hate yelling at him like that and all...not having had much experience with owning underlings and all...especially since that Boris fellow's a good 4 decades older than me and all...*sigh*...ah, well. Are those pancakes finished yet? MURDOCH: Right here, Stewie.... (A random minion brings in some pancakes, and Stewie starts in on them) And soon, the *bigger* project will be complete, as well... STEWIE: (With his mouth partially full) Oh, yes, of course... (Presses a button with his fork, and we see on a monitor an image pop up) ...my means of conquering all mankind...the *TESLA DEATH RAY*! (Orchestra music: BUM-BUM-BUMMMMMMM! A zoom in on Stewie's face shows him shifting his eyes back and forth. On the screen, we see various scientist-types racing around the ray, working on its construction...) STEWIE: When finished, it will be capable of taking out entire cities...no one will be spared! And soon, I'll take over the Earth! MURDOCH: And *I* will have control over *ALL* media! HA! I've already begun airing some of our "fine" new shows! (Presses a button, and we see an image on the screen emerge: various heavily-looped-and-repeated stock footage of various Fox stars/characters running about, including of Maggie falling rapidly/repeatedly, Stewie standing and shifting his eyes back and forth, and Bart laughing...the title of this "show" reads: "The Bart and Maggie Baby Stewie Ally McBeal Big Fox-roonie Show") STEWIE: Excellent! Between that, and your plans for a "Family Guy" channel, our rule *will* be *TOTAL*! And those toons shall meet their *deaths*, if not now....*SOON*! Oh, and I can't *wait* for that Tannen fellow to bring me *the Brain* personally, so I can take care of that big-headed rat myself! I shall prove myself smarter, superior, and more *clever* than he is in my *sleep*! (Dramatic orchestra music plays, as we see the two villains laugh sinisterly....cut away from their evil den, and return to the Warners' car, as it cruises along the highway through Iowa...) AXEL: (at the wheel) Hey, would someone tell Wakko to quit eating all that (bleep)in' corn?! (Pan over to see that Wakko’s sticking his head out the window, chomping away at all the corn stalks they pass.) YAKKO: Now, now, Axel, don't worry....everything's being taken care of---by the Academy's charge account. Remember? AXEL: (Flatly) Oh, yeah...besides, we're stopping at the next restaurant, remember? My cell phone needs new batteries, and we've gotta call Sgt. Small to tell 'im how the mission's progressing... RADIO: ...and the citizens of the nation’s Windy City react with a blase attitude towards the change of their fair city’s name to *Griffinopolis*... ALL: *GRIFFINOPOLIS*?! YAKKO: Aaaaaah, on second thought, better tail it there, Axel... AXEL: Gotcha...soon as I get some more gas... (They pull into the restaurant, which is attached to a motel and service station...a sign reads "Cornhusker Inn...Eats/Gas/Lodging"...the car pulls up at the first pump.) AXEL: (Yells out the window) YO, SERVICE GUY! HOW ABOUT SOME (BLEEP)IN' GAS?! (The others stare at him) Hey, I never pump my own gas myself...I'm a *star*! (Staccato laugh) DOT: (Flatly) *Right*... NARRATOR: An attendant comes out to the car, as the others go inside the restaurant...however, the attendant looks an awful lot like that devil in a non-blue dress, Natasha Fatale! NATASHA: (Wearing a straw hat and overalls) Fill 'er up, y'all? AXEL: Yeah, and make it snappy! NATASHA: No problem! (Her "assistants", resembling Moe and Boris and dressed similarly, come out and begin waxing the car, changing the oil, etc.) AXEL: Hey, what's all *this*?! BORIS: Friendly small-town service, that's what! This isn't Amoco station/convenience store, buddy! AXEL: Oh.... NARRATOR: But Axel fails to see that the villains have placed a bomb underneath the transmission...a bomb rigged to blow up the entire car if it goes over 55 miles an hour! AXEL: Thanks, bub... (the group drive off...) BORIS: (To the camera, away from Axel's earshot) Yes, and with the first high-speed chase they engage in, *BOOM*! NARRATOR: Now come on, that's just a ripoff of "Speed"! NATASHA: No it's not, dahlink....they go *over* 55 in movie, here, we obey speed limit! NARRATOR: Oh....uh, I see. Very well, then... will Boris' plan succeed where countless other attempts have failed? We'll find out in: SPEED KILLS, or THE THIRD TIME'S THE HARM! (Commercials with Elmer Fudd and Gossamer hawking Rogaine are seen...) NARRATOR: As we cut back to the high stakes world of Las Vegas once more, back at the Pharoah’s Palace casino’s roulette table, death is imminent for Roz and Slappy...or is it?! CLERK: (As the ball lands on a number) 35 Red...The house gets the money! SLAPPY: For the love of Soupy Sales, we lost 20 dollars! ROZ: Are you a cheapskate? SLAPPY: Hey, Social Security's payin' jack-squat, and I blew some dough on one of these gosh-awful games! C'mon, let's go to the slot machines. We'll have better luck there! (Our heroes head towards the slots. The sinister Shadow-Ensconsed Villain under the table is quite peeved now.) VILLAIN: Blast that faulty dollar store magnet! (Realizes something) Holy crow, the bomb's going off in a minute! How do I get rid of it? (The villain glances towards the parking area, where a parking attendant is driving Slappy and Roz's car into a several-story-tall parking garage.) VILLAIN: That's it! (As "99 Red Balloons" by Nena plays in the background, the villain runs to the parking garage. The figure positions the explosive, along with several others in the center of the parking garage. The figure runs out and hides in a sheltered spot.) VILLAIN: 5...4...3...2...1...Kaboom! (A gigantic explosion levels the parking garage, and sends cars flying and flaming all over Vegas. Cars get sent through buildings, and crash into slot machines. Quarters are dispensed, and ravenous old ladies gather them up.) ROZ: (Walking to the bathroom) What was that?! SLAPPY: I don't know, but I have a feeling that we might die before this story is over. That was just a warning. ROZ: From the villains? SLAPPY: From the stupid writers... (Slappy glances at a TV positioned at the bar. A news reporter is talking about the damage.) REPORTER: Reginald Thompkins here, and it looks as if somebody's trying to destroy Vegas. The two lunatics primarily suspected by authorities are Slappy Squirrel, legendary cartoon star and recent target of much derision, and Roz, comedienne, actress, and bailiff. Authorities advise the public to take whatever measures necessary to destroy them before they strike again. More information as it comes. This is Reginald Thompkins, and we now return you to the movie "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The Eighth Dimension". (Reginald walks off camera.) REGINALD: (To the cameraman) I refuse to believe any of this. Slappy was a cartoon hero of mine when I was growing up, and Roz was a tremendous talent. I think it's all bull, and I won't stand for it. (Reginald runs out into the parking lot, jumps into his news van, and burns rubber to get to the casino where Slappy and Roz are. He arrives as quickly as he left.) REGINALD: (Running up to Roz and Slappy) Hello! ROZ: Look, we didn't do anything, so just back off! REGINALD: I'm not here to harm...I'm here to help! You and Slappy are wonderful people, and I'm sorry I delivered that news. It was just reported to me by some anonymous person. I'll tell my superiors to verify all information in the future. I have morals, and you have a problem. SLAPPY: Obviously. REGINALD: Look, I'll drive you out of town, and help you on your quest. I've been following the news on all the lies being told about you. Just come with me, and I'll get you out of here safely. SLAPPY and ROZ: Can we trust you? REGINALD: Yes! SLAPPY: Fine with me...especially since it looks as if our "disguise" ain’t foolin’ this crowd after all... (Jerks her thumb back, to see that the casino crowd isn’t fooled by the guise of "Slappy Doo") ROZ: (Nervously glances back) No kidding...let's go! (They run to Reginald’s van, and speed away, with an angry mob following them...moments later, we cut to a stretch of highway outside of Las Vegas...we see a van labelled "KVGS-TV Channel 11 Eyewitless News" speeding down the desert highway, with Reginald at the wheel...however, Reggie sees a red convertible swerving across the roadway, weaving into their lane...) REGINALD: What in the name of Walter Cronkite?! That nut's going to crash into us! (Reggie swerves, and narrowly avoids colliding with the car...panning over, we see the people in said car is "Doonesbury"'s Uncle Duke (not under the influence of *anything* other than his own insanity, for the sakes of keeping this thing vaguely G-rated ;-) and his ever-respectful-and-devoted assistant, "Honey".) DUKE: Holy crud...what the (bleep) was *that*?! That nut was way over on *our* side of the road! And it looked like some flippin’ *squirrel*’s in the back! What’s goin’ on here?! HONEY: (Speaking a lot like "Peanuts"’s Marcie) I think that we just made a brief fan fiction cameo, sir...along with a completely pointless reference to a movie one of the writers watched recently... DUKE: Aw, not *that* "Fear and Loathing In Las Whatever" flick again! (Bleep) it, Honey, I'm sick and tired of everyone sayin' I look like...like... HONEY: ...like *who*, Sir? DUKE: (Annoyed) ...*Johnny Depp*. Lousy has-been actor... (Duke shakes his head, and drives off...) (Cutting away from this pointless comic strip character cameo and back to the van, we see it move across the desert landscape...Slappy looks out the back window, at a scenic-looking sunset, before turning around to address Reginald.) SLAPPY: Hey, Reggie, how's about a pit stop somewheres? If I'm going to be travellin' 2,000 miles to meet up with some diaper-wearin' brat in Chicago, I'm going to need a few walnut colas ta tide me over! REGINALD: Yeah, yeah...(sighs) and on top of all this, there’s all the stress I've been under at my station. The station told me that if I don't score an interview from all this "riot" buisness with one of the supposed "instigators", the station plans on putting me on the most humiliating timeslot of them all! SLAPPY: Which is...? REG: Hosting those "Wacky World of Tex Avery" cartoons... SLAPPY: *Oogh*...that *is* bad...well, for your sake, I guarantee that when we get to Chicago, there'll be one *heck* of an interview...with *me*! Ya can call it... "Portrait of a Squirrel Who Blew a Fox Exec Ta Kingdom Come"! Heh, heh... ROZ: Either that, or you can interview that Axel Foley guy...that alone oughta make that "amusing moments" bit you newsguys throw in at the end of the newscasts... (As Reginald smiles at this prospect, the van continues on its merry, deserted path towards the Chicago rendezvous...) (Open the streets of Chicago early the next morning, the sun shining down upon the city. The mice's car zooms down the street. They zip past Michigan Avenue’s glorious, upscale Water Tower Mall...) PINKY: Oooh, that looks like a nice place! Can we go shopping there, Brain? BRAIN: (Scoffing.) If I let you loose in there, you'll wind up blowing twice the amount of our hotel bill on a gold-tipped diaper pin at Marshall Field’s...besides, given the current hatred against all things "Animaniacs", I fear the "Water Tower" might well be a sitting target for an angry mob...here, now, this looks like a place where you can spend a more sensible amount of money on frivolous, unnecessary items! (He pulls up in front of a dingy, run-down looking place, with a sign that reads "Shicago Outlet Mall--Great Bargains!--Spiffy's White-Out World is now here!" Brain jumps on the button that unlocks the doors.) Well, have fun! Remember to keep the spending on a budget. (Pinky & Billie nod, then eagerly pull the door open (with a bit of effort), and go running towards the mall.) |