(We open on the WB Studio lot at some number of months ago, namely some
time after the "senses-shattering" events of "39 Characters In Search of A
Plot"...cutting to the water tower and fading into its interior, we see the Warners
are sitting around in their water tower, looking through the want ads for yet another
NARRATOR: (From the "Bullwinkle" cartoons) Yes, in other words, looking for
*work*! Dot deftly circles the classified ads, Yakko swiftly types up resumes, and Wakko
scans the phone book for employment agencies with the utmost *finesse*!
YAKKO: Great...our first sequel, and the writers hire *this* guy for commentary.
NARRATOR: Hey, don't knock my verbal deftness! Besides, I need the money...
DOT: Don't we all... why do you think we're looking through the *want ads* Mr.
Omnipotent Narrator-man? (Reaches off-camera, pinches what seems to be the narrator's
cheek, which we see part of stretch into the camera shot before Dot lets go, letting it
NARRATOR: *OW*! Now cut that out! I really *must* find other work...maybe as an
operator for the phone company! (Imitates an operator) If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and dial again...if you need help--
DOT: Um...just stick with the occasional scene comments, OK?
NARRATOR: Very well... (mumbling) as if those scene descriptions in *brackets* were any
adequate substitute for my skillful supporting commentary...
(Suddenly, we hear a knock on the water tower door...the sibs all freeze in
mid-activity, and begin scrambling for the door...)
YAKKO: I'll get it!
DOT: No, *I'll* get it!
WAKKO: I never get to get it!
(The sibs scramble towards the door, with the inevitable cartoon fight cloud breaking
out... a flurry of mallets, paddleballs, and spitwads are seen...we finally see Dot emerge
from the fray, brush off her skirt, and reach for the door...)
DOT: (Sweetly) *I'll* get it...
NARRATOR: As Dot opens the water tower door, we see standing there is none other than
that harbinger of the apocalypse, that cad of comedic wit, that staccato-laughing stand-up
AXEL FOLEY: OK, OK! They all get the (bleep)in' point! Who the (bleep) hired *this*
(bleep)in' narrator anyway?!
WARNERS: (Screaming) AAAAAAH!! *AXEL*!!
(The Warners immediately tackle Axel, and a cloud of dust forms; when it clears, we see
Axel's hogtied and gagged; he looks very annoyed. The Warners stand around the captured
Axel, with all three siblings holding mallets above their heads.)
YAKKO: (Removing Axel's gag) All right, Mr. Potty Mouth, tell us *why* you're here! Are
you planning on sticking us inside P*k*mon characters again?! (Cue a flashback cloud over
their heads, displaying the image of Axel holding a Pokéball and a "scrooch"
gun, as seen in "39 Characters In Search Of A Plot".)
DOT: Or sending us on a one-way trip into the far future again?! (The flashback cloud
changes to an image of Axel running around with a Verminator robot on the WB Studio lot of
the year 2015, yelling loudly and creating chaos, as seen in "The Once and Future
WAKKO: Or giving us more copies of "Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue"?!
Even if that tape *did* taste pretty good . . . mmm, Memorex! (The flashback cloud changes
to an image of Wakko eating mass quantities of food at a McDonald's, as seen in the
original "Warner Academy".)
DOT: (Looking at the cloud) Um . . . yeah. (Dot takes out a hairpin, and pops the
flashback cloud, making it vanish.)
AXEL: (Annoyed) No, none of that, ya crazy (bleep)s!
YAKKO: Then why are you here, then?
AXEL: Well, after that (bleep)ing pointless "39 Characters-P*k*mon" thing, I
got to thinking . . . working with those loser villains like Walter Wolf made me realize
that I don't wanna end up like those (bleep)ing losers, spending my whole life on trying
to get back at you guys for some stupid, petty reason like doing stupid voiceovers!
Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to be a villain anymore, *and* I
wanna ask you puppy-kids if you'll . . .
WAKKO: If we'll what?
AXEL: If you'll . . . forgive me. Besides, every cartoon I've ever seen never shows the
(bleep)ing bad guys winning, anyway . . . and being around those villains in that
"P*k*mon" thing was kind of annoying, to be honest . . . (Muttering) especially
that red-headed animal-abusin' little brat . . . should've called the (bleep)in' ASPCA on
her . . .
YAKKO: (Sounding unconvinced) Hmmm . . . how do we know this isn't another trick? We've
before . . .
AXEL: It's the (bleep)in' truth! Look, would I lie? (Grins broadly)
WARNERS: (Flatly) *YES*!
AXEL: OK, OK . . . just put me through a (bleep)in' lie detector test! I'll show you
I'm tellin' the truth!
YAKKO: Sure . . . *Wakko*?
(Wakko pulls out his "wacky sack", and pulls out from it a lie detector
device. The Warners untie Axel, make him sit down on the curb, and attach the device to
YAKKO: (Imitating "Dragnet"'s Sgt. Friday) OK, Foley . . . spill it. Are you
*really* willing to become a good guy again?
AXEL: (Mildly annoyed) Yeah, you crazy punk!
(The lie detector's buzzer doesn't go off.)
YAKKO: (Still doing "Dragnet" imitation) And are you willing to do whatever
it takes to get back on our good sides again?
AXEL: Um, yeah, I guess so.
(The lie detector's buzzer still doesn't go off.)
DOT: And do you regret having made the oh-so-huge box office smash "Life"
with a co-star whos even cruder than *you* are?
AXEL: (Nervously) Um . . .no.
(The lie detector's buzzer goes off loudly at this last statement. Axel briefly looks
surprised, then does his trademarked "heh, heh, heh" laugh again in a sheepish
fashion. Yakko and Dot don't look surprised by this . . . Wakko, however, still looks very
WAKKO: I know! It's a "Scooby Doo" kind of setup! This isn't *really* Axel .
. . it's---a *mask*! (Wakko reaches over and pulls hard on Axel's nose, but the only
result of this action is Axel yelling loudly.)
WAKKO: Oh . . . guess not . . . sorry! (Wakko grins sheepishly)
YAKKO: Well, guys, I guess Axel's telling the truth, after all . . .
DOT: Who knew?
(Yakko detaches the lie detector from Axel.)
AXEL: Well, even though *I'm* willin' to forgive you guys, I'd still like an apology
from you for turnin' against me just because I did work for your (bleep)ing competitors!
YAKKO: But they're . . . they're . . . D*sney! How did you expect us to react once we
learned that someone who was working alongside us was doing work for . . . *those* guys?
AXEL: Um, I'm guessing that you guys haven't actually *watched* "Mulan", have
WARNERS: Um, *nooo* . . .
AXEL: Well, when I was working on doing a voiceover for that film, I was working with
someone *else* you puppy-kids have known for a really long time . . . someone who's
considered to be one of the greatest female voice artists of all time!
DOT: Um . . . Tress MacNeille?
WAKKO: Julie Kavner?
YAKKO: Cree Summers? (Y&W in unison) HELLOOOOO, "A Different World"
NURSE! (Dot glares at her brothers)
AXEL: Nope, someone a lot more experienced than those two; does the name "June
Foray" ring a bell?
(The Warners gasp in shock)
YAKKO: Our "Granny" and "Rocket J. Squirrel" June Foray?! But she's
one of the greatest voice artists *ever*!!
AXEL: That's what I said! Anyway, here's her name in the (bleep)in' credits; she did
the voice of the grandmother in the film! By the way, I really liked working with her on
that film, and hearing her talk about what it was like working on "Rocky and
(Axel grabs from his car's glove compartment a copy of the "Mulan" script,
and flips to a page with the voice cast's credits. The Warners read the page . . . )
AXEL: See? Not to mention another old favorite voice artist, Frank Welker, did work on
that (bleep)in' film, too. So all in all, that's why I think I'm owed a little (Stressing
each syllable) a-po-lo-gy, *heh . . . heh . . . heh*. Besides, why blow me up and turn me
down as a friend just for workin' for those guys when *June Foray* worked for them, too? I
*know* you wouldn't think of blowin' *her* up! Besides, *you* of all people should know
that voice artists aren't loyal to just one (bleep)in' studio! If that were true, Mel
Blanc's career and the world of animation wouldn't be as rich as it had been!
YAKKO: (Sighs) As much as I hate to admit it---you're actually . . . right.Besides, not
that we'd even think of doing something like that to June Foray, but blowing her up would
pretty much be cartoon *blasphemy*---if we did that, we wouldn't be hired in this town for
so much as a crudely-done promo for "P*k*mon"!
(Wakko and Dot nod in agreement)
DOT: Well, Axel, I suppose we can forgive you for doing the "Mulan"
voiceover, if you promise not to bring up any mention of any of your work with that . . .
*other* studio . . . ever again.
AXEL: Um, sure!
YAKKO: Aaaaah, but for all that
"trying-to-bring-on-the-apocalypse-in-the-future" stuff and all those times you
called us "blankety-blank puppy brats" and said you "hate us blankety-blank
Warners so much" and stuff like that, I'm afraid you're gonna have to do a lotta
things to get back on our *good* sides. (Yakko wiggles his eyebrows)
AXEL: (Sighs) Fine, you name it . . . just as long as it's not bein' subjected to that
crazy "two places at once" (bleep) again!
YAKKO: Don't worry, nothing *that* pathetic . . . (To his sibs) at least at this point
in the story, anyway . . .
AXEL: Fine . . . (Pats the sibs on their shoulders) Heh, heh, heh, don't worry, you
kids wont regret havin' the main man back on your sides....
(The sibs look at each other with worried looks on their faces...)
NARRATOR: And indeed, the siblings *didn't* regret having Axel back on their
sides....as the months passed, Axel proved his worth in such fanfic outings as "Have
Yourselves a Wakko Little Christmas" (Cue a clip of Axel jumping into a pit, saying
"I've had enough of this (bleep)! See you in Hades!"), and, um, that's pretty
much it. Yes, that concludes the harrowing tale of Axel Foley's reformation! And now, on
to, um, the actual *story*... (Mutters) that was the *prologue*?! Good heavens, I can only
imagine what the actual *story*'s going to consist of...oh, geez, the microphone's still
on, isn't it? (Sighs)
(Fade back to the present, where we see the Warners are walking down the street, en
route to yet another job opening...)
DOT: OK, I'm sure that trying to get hired as grease monkeys, mid-level executives,
school bus drivers, and the CEO of Apple Computer didn't work out, but I'm *sure* that
getting hired as *this* can't fail...
WAKKO: I dunno, Dot...I mean, isn't things getting kinda desperate to want to
work---*there*?! (Wakko points to the want ad, which indicates that sales staff are needed
at a Warner Bros. Super Store)
YAKKO: Desperate times call for desperate...um...stuff, Wakko. Besides, if we work
there, we get our own merchandise for a *whole* 10% off! Just think of the savings after
shelling out for state and local sales taxes!
WAKKO: Faboo! I want some cheaply-made keychains with the Brains face on it that
run for 8 bucks!
DOT: I want a beanbag toy that marginally looks like me!
YAKKO: I want an animation cell of Minerva Mink...
Y&W: *HELLOOOOO, NURSE*!
(The sibs finally reach the WBSS, but what greets them is a horrific sight: various
people are seen picketing in front of the store, waving various signs reading "Puppy
Kids Go Home", "Warners: Not Ready For Daytime Players", and "Dot, the
WAKKO: (Shocked) Yakko, what's goin' on?!? Why are those people angry at *us*?!
YAKKO: *Good* question! Let's find out!
(The sibs walk over to the picketers...)
PICKETER: It's them! The *Warners*! The worst monsters of our time!
(The picketers begin yelling and growing quite angry)
DOT: I'll handle this... (Curtseys in front of the group) Hi there! I'm the----
PICKETER #2: Immoral and traitorous leach of our country, that's what!
DOT: Um, *no*, I'm the cute one...remember? "Tee-hee"? "Curtsey
laugh"?! (Grows nervous when she sees shes not having any affect) Um...Wakko?
WAKKO: Uh...want to see me make funny noises with my hands?
(The picketers completely lose it, and begin running amok...they begin to chase after
the Warners, who decided to run for it...)
WAKKO: (Running) Yakko, what's going *on*?!?
DOT: Yeah, usually they dont get this angry until *after* they get to know us!
YAKKO: I dunno, guys, but I bet it has something to do with that telegram we got from
the police academy!
DOT: *Those* guys?! When did you get this telegram?
YAKKO: I was savin' it in case this job didn't wash out... (Looks back, to see the
protesters are still angry) Which seems to be the case... besides I figure gettin' this
thing from the academy couldn't be a *complete* coincidence with bloodthirsty
DOT: Well, what're we waiting for? Let's get going...
(The Warners run off, as the protesters continue to protest outside the WBSS...)
NARRATOR: Yes, things look bad for the Warners' popularity...but they aren't the *only*
ones to face such "Q" rating quibbles...as we cut to a certain laboratory in New
York City, we see Pinky, Billie, and Brain deal with an equally venomous reaction!
(We see the mice are watching a news report on TV, showing various protesters looting
and trashing a WBSS in Manhattan...we see various individuals hurl bricks through windows,
a man setting a pile of Brain and Pinky dolls on fire, a protester ripping the head off a
Billie doll (with a tag reading "Last One In Stock *Anywhere*!"), and a
disgruntled fan trading in his PatB merchandise for a refund. The store staff look quite
panicked, as chaos reigns...)
BRAIN: (Shocked) I cant believe what Im seeing!
PINKY: (Shocked) Oh, yes! The idea that they still had merchandise of us at the stores
is *astonishing*! *NARF*!
BILLIE: (Shocked) No, Pinky, Eggy means that for some reason, the public's turned on
us! What did we do to deserve this?! Um, besides Eggys usual nightly mission being a
possible cause, of course...
BRAIN: I don't know, Billie...but this telegram we received from that police academy
Pinky and I enrolled in months ago may give us some clue! (Walks over to the telegram,
reading it) It says we're requested to return to the academy as soon as possible, with
"the state of the nation" in our hands! Hmm...Pinky, are you pondering what I'm
PINKY: I think so, Brain, but isnt vaudeville dead?
BRAIN: No, Pinky, I mean, if we were to put an end to whatever is causing this
nationwide chaos, we'd not only restore our reputations, but also gain such acclaim, that
we'll be demanded to ascend the highest office of the land!
PINKY: Um...were going to be the CEOs of Microsoft? (Brain clasps Pinky's mouth
BRAIN: Come, you two, we must catch the first plane to *Burbank* at once! (The three
mice exit the scene...)
(We do a "checkerboard" wipe from ACME Labs to the Burbank, California police
academy headquarters, where see the Warners heading toward the office...however, they soon
run into none other than Axel "(bleep)ing" Foley himself...)
AXEL: Hey, ya crazy (bleep)s! You got the same telegram, too?
WAKKO: Yeah...whats going on? Why does everybody *hate* us?!
AXEL: Beats me...when I left the main Detroit P.D. headquarters, there were all these
angry people protestin outside! Said I was a "bad influence"... (the
Warners snicker at this) At any rate, its gonna make what I plan to do even harder
if we dont resolve this (bleep)!
DOT: Whats that?
AXEL: Kids, you are looking at the newest, independent candidate runnin for the
U.S. House of Representatives for the state of Michigan for this years elections!
(The Warners take one look at Axel, before breaking down into laughter; Axel looks
AXEL: HEY! I was bein serious!
YAKKO: (Laughing) Sorry...just that...that... *YOU*! (The Warners laugh some more,
until petering to a stop) OK, so why are you running? (Snickers some more)
AXEL: My home state of Michigan needs the strong candidate! Someone who can clean
things up in (bleep)in D.C.! And *Im* it! And I want *you* crazy guys to help
me run as my campaign staff! Just think... "Representative Foley"! Just like
that "Distinguished Gentleman" movie...er, only without the con artist (bleep)
stuff, of course....so, what do you say?
YAKKO: Aaaaaahhh.... (To his sibs) What do you think?
DOT: Well, this police assignment will probably end with us still unemployed...and it
beats working as cab drivers...and maybe well get to meet that hunky George
Stephanopolous guy when we get interviewed by the media! *HELLOOOO, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL
AID NURSE!* (Yakko and Wakko roll their eyes)
WAKKO: Plus, we can ask Don Knotts to donate money to the campaign fund!
YAKKO: OK, then...I guess it beats wallowing in *complete* boredom... (To Axel) OK,
Axel, youve got a campaign staff! (Shakes Axels hand) Youll never live
to regret it! (Axel looks a bit worried about that remark)
AXEL: Great! Cmon...lets go inside and see why we got called here!
(The Warners and Axel walking into the office of Sgt. Small, where we see gathered
various characters: Slappy Squirrel; Pinky and the Brain; Billie; the Sargent himself; and
. . . Roz the bailiff, from the 1980's sitcom "Night Court". Slappy, Pinky,
Brain, Billie, and Roz are all wearing standard police officer uniforms. On the wall of
the office hangs a photo of the buried-at-sea, late Capt. Caps.)
SGT. SMALL: Welcome back, Warners! And you too, Mr. Foley . . . I am Sgt. Small, the
replacement for my dear departed brother, Captain Caps . . . (* Capt.
Caps-the-Academy-head died of a heart attack and was buried at sea at the end of the
original "Warner Academy" mission---Brainatra, pointless continuity referencer)
(Sighs) Anyway, with that formality out of the way, let's get down to business. I'm sure
you're acquainted with everyone in the room here except for our newest recruit, Rosalyn.
You've all been chosen for this mission for both your handling of the Beanie Baby case and
for your unique talents . . .
DOT: (Rolling her eyes) Like abusing a certain spatial distortion gag that hopefully
*won't* be rehashed to death in this story?
SGT. SMALL: *Ahem* . . . um, yes. Be that as it may, all of you are our only hope to
stem the tide of chaos that has swept the nation!
DOT: (To Roz) I remember you from that old TV sitcom! But I thought you were just a
ROZ: Well, I was, but I wanted to go on and do something different, something other
than working with the same creeps and weirdoes practically every week . . . (Stares at the
Warners and Axel) . . . (Flatly) then again, maybe it *won't* be so different . . .
SLAPPY: (Laughs) Heh, heh . . . (To Yakko) I like her, don't you?
YAKKO: Aaaaaaah . . . yeah.
SLAPPY: (To Roz) Hey, I like your style, there . . . rude, yet observant . . .
ROZ: Thanks; wanna go get somethin' from the police academy commissary after we're done
SLAPPY: Sure, why not? I need somethin' to take my mind off what happened when I went
to the store this mornin' for some more walnut cola...I stepped one foot in the door, and
the entire checkout staff nearly tore my head off! Lousy minimum wage brats...fer some
reason, they kept yellin' about my bein' "unstable" or something, and told me
not to come back...its not like I wasnt going to pay for all those tabloids!
ROZ: All that happened *this* morning?
SLAPPY: Yeah...and on the way over here, I saw some schmoe with a steamroller running
over those "Branimaniacs" boxes with my face on em...yeesh, I knew they
tasted *bad*, but...
SGT. SMALL: (Annoyed) *Enough* of this! Now, as I was saying before, we need your help
on this important case! We need you to find and stop the evil duo that're ruining your
reputations *and* flooding stores from coast to coast with... *FOX MERCHANDISE*!
(Orchestra music: Bum-bum-buuuummmm....)
DOT: Fox merchandise? Who would want to fill stores with *Fox* merchandise?!
SGT. SMALL: Why, none other than . . . Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch and "Family
Guy""s Stewie Griffin! (Bum-bum-BUUUUUMMMM...)
(The Sarge flashes to the group a picture of Stewie, in a typical grimacing pose,
posing with Rupert Murdoch.)
PINKY: Gee, Brain, he sure looks a lot like *you*, especially with that oversized head,
BRAIN: I fail to see any resemblance, Pinky . . . besides, whoever heard of someone
with such a ridiculously disproportionate-sized head ensconced atop such a small body?!
(The others in the room attempt to stifle their laughter at Brain's remark; Brain looks
perplexed by the others' response.)
AXEL: Hold the (bleep)in' phone! Why would Murdoch be working with Stewie? Among other
things, "Family Guy" got yanked by Fox! Last I checked, they're just burnin' off
the old episodes of that (bleep) show as fast as they can...
BILLIE: Axel's gotta point; why work with a character from a series that's been given
SGT. SMALL: Apparently, Murdoch only yanked "Family Guy" in order for Stewie
to have time to help implement this evil scheme! According to our agents, Murdoch and
Stewie plan on using the wake left by all of your ruined reps to build popularity for his
Fox series as part of Murdoch's plan to take over all broadcasting media on Earth, and
transform our world's media to an all-Fox lineup! In addition, Murdochs renewed that
wretched "Family Guy" program, unfortunately. And to top it off, Stewie's plans
for *WORLD DOMINATION*! (Same orchestra music as before plays)
BRAIN: *WORLD DOMINATION*?!? (Brain does a slow burn)
SGT. SMALL: Yes, Mr. Brain . . . we even got reports of the possibility of an
"all-Family Guy" channel and "The Stewie Network" as two planned
"features" of this brave new broadcasting world. As for how they're ruining your
reputations, um, take a look at this tape... it seems to be some sort of fabricated
"interview" with you, and it's been airing all over the dial for the past few
days! Be warned, this is only a *sample* of the worst that Stewie and Murdoch have in
store if their mission succeeds...
(Sgt. Small turns a television set on...we see on the screen a Jerry Springer-lookalike
host, with the "Fox" logo in the corner of the screen...)
HOST: Good evening, and welcome to "World's Most Dangerous Entertainers"!
Tonight, we'll be looking at the dark side to some of our favorite entertainers, through
our conversation with: animated inkblots Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner, the so-called
"Warner siblings"; genetically-altered lab mice Pinky, the Brain, and Billie;
Slappy Squirrel; Detroit, Michigan police detective and famed comedian Axel Foley; *and*,
in special appearances, Fox's very own Bender the robot of "Futurama" and Homer
J. Simpson of "The Simpsons"! Welcome to all of you!
(Cut to a shot of all the mentioned characters, seated in chairs...however, they all
look rather, um, less-than-their-normal-animated selves. Instead of being the *real*
characters, it looks as if they're actually...*recycled stock footage* of the characters!
VOICEOVER: (*Really* quickly read) Please note that all dialogue in this interview has
actually been uttered by the characters themselves. Fox assumes complete freedom to edit,
splice, recycle or otherwise slice-and-dice any and all footage as it wishes. The
following may be inappropriate for sensitive viewers, viewer discretion blah blah blah...
(Back to normal speaking speed) and now, back to the show!
HOST: Let's start with the Warner siblings...siblings, we have footage that suggests
you may be up to nefarious activities involving the use of your water tower *and* your
"Warner Academy" police training...is that true?
YAKKO: (Recycled dialogue/footage from "Wakko's New Gookie") Yesiree
HOST: I see...so you don't deny that you're plotting to run some sort of covert
militia-like operation from your water tower? If needed, we have proof right here! Do you
wish to see it?
WAKKO: (Recycled dialogue/footage from (any # of A! episodes)): Faboo!
HOST: Good! Roll the film!
(Cut to a jerkily-moving, black-and-white film footage of various clips of the Warners
in police/army gear from "Of Course You Know, This Means Warners", "Warner
Academy", and that A! episode where they accidentally join the army.)
VOICEOVER: Exclusive! Ever wonder what the Warners *really* have been up to since their
show has been canceled? Fox presents proof that the Warners have been secretly organizing
their own militia!
(Cut to footage of the Warners marching in army gear, followed by footage of the
Warners pulling the infamous "two places at once" gag on McDonald's
workers in "Warner Academy". We also see footage of Yakko running down a guy in
a Donald Duck costume at Disneyworld, without any remorse, from the unedited version of
"Warner Academy", as well as the Warners behind sandbags from "Baloney and
VOICEOVER: See for yourself...Yakko Warner planning to take over the world, *one*
*country* *at* *a* *time*! (Cut to a shot of Yakko singing "Yakko's World",
while pointing at the countries on the map)
VOICEOVER: Also see that Wakko himself plans on recruiting members for this
organization, one state at a time! (Cut to a shot of recycled footage of Wakko jumping on
a map from Baton Rouge, Louisiana to Indianapolis from "Wakko's America). From the
sultry bayous of Louisiana to the crown jewel of the Hoosier state, Wakko's recruitment
drive knows no bounds. Of course, Wakko is also *more* than capable of going on a
*psychotic rampage*! (Recycled footage of Wakko going berserk from "Potty
Emergency", as well as footage of Wakko's coffee-fueled rampage from the unedited
version of "Package Deal", including part of the infamous "Wakko vs.
Mindy" chainsaw fight scene.)
VOICEOVER: And Dot, well...talk about equal opportunity for females! (Cut to footage of
Dot going beserk in "Cutie and the Beast"). The cute one, or the *traitorous*
one?! All in all, could this be an animated army being organized?! (Cut to a shot of the
sibs' Water Tower, with dramatic music playing heavily)
(Cut back to the "interview" session...)
HOST: There you have it! Beloved out-of-work cartoon stars, lashing out at the world
for their recent cancellation? Perhaps...but let's ask the sibs! Warners, what do you have
to say about this retched covert operation of yours?
WAKKO: (Same recycled footage as above) Faboo!
YAKKO: (Recycled dialogue/footage from one of the A! title scenes) Aaaaaaaahhhhh....
DOT: (Recycled dialogue/footage from "Cutie and the Beast") (That scene of
Dot swearing/yelling angrily in frustration)
HOST: My goodness, you siblings certainly are angry at the world! I can only wonder if
that "two places at once" spatial distortion gag of yours was developed for some
WARNERS: (Recycled from (some random A! episode)): Yes.
HOST: Any comments about this, Mr. Bender?
BENDER: (Close-up of Bender's face; however, it's recycled footage of Bender sitting
perfectly still and not moving an inch, with crudely dubbed-in dialogue) Bite me,
HOST: (Chuckles) OK, Bender, let's settle down, all right? Now, we'll hear from Mr.
Simpson...any comments, Homer?
HOMER: (Recycled footage of Homer (from the first season of the "Simpsons",
no less) sitting absolutely still and not moving an inch) (Dialogue recycled from that
"Simpsons join a cult" episode) Shut up, jerk@$$!
HOST: Whoa, there, Homer, let's keep the language to a minimum, OK? Save it for your
next highly amusing and wacky episode next week, where classical Greek mythological
creatures will be helping you run the power plant!
HOMER: (Same motionless footage; dialogue from the episode where Lisa was born) *Yes*!
HOST: All right, just one more question, Warners: can I assume that you're not planning
on including your infamous missing *fourth* sibling, "Sakko", as a member of
(Holds up a picture of "Sakko", from the extremely-less-than-mediocre A!
comic book story "The Fourth Warner")
YAKKO: (Recycled footage/dialogue) Aaaaaah...not really.
HOST: Figures...I suppose when *this* revolution comes, folks, the Warners' own sibling
Sakko will *not* be spared...let alone even *acknowledged* as being their own flesh and
blood! But we'll be taking a look at what "true circumstances" led to
"Sakko"'s origins and current whereabouts on the upcoming special, "Cartoon
WAKKO: (Same recycled bit) Faboo!
HOST: Well then, let's move on to Misters Brain and Pinky, and Miss Billie. Now then,
Mr. Brain, is it true that you don't truly care for the people of this world, and that you
plan on turning all of humanity into your own personal slaves while ruling over them in a
repressive, fascist manner?
BRAIN: (Recycled footage from (any PatB episode)) (Fist clenched) *YES*!
HOST: And is it true that you wouldn't mind using brutal force, as these photos prove?
(Cut to still-shots of Brain with his giant vegetables from "Brain Acres", and
hitting Pinky on the head with a pencil (from any random episode)) Aside from your obvious
approval of the highly controversial genetic modification of vegetables---
BRAIN: (Same recycled/dialogue footage as above) YES!
HOST: ---it's obvious that your contempt for humanity as a whole is leading you to lash
out through your intent to spread a fascist, repressive regime throughout the world!
BRAIN: (Recycled footage of Brain looking sullen (from any PatB episode); dialogue from
"Meet John Brain") I promise to rule in a fair and *just* manner...
HOST: Yeah, right. Fair and just for *yourself*...with a merciless, cruel iron *fist*!
BRAIN: (Same footage; dialogue from any PatB ep) *Indeed*...
HOST: Of course, you've probably already had such experience through your treatment of
your so-called "friend" Pinky. Your treatment of Pinky obviously proves that you
don't *truly* care about him. Isn't that true?
BRAIN: (Recycled footage/dialogue from (some episode of PatB)) I am only cruel to be
(Recycled footage of Brain hitting Pinky on the head with a pencil.)
HOST: *Ahem*...ah...I see. That'd explain your obviously fascist and repressive ideals
in store for humanity once you take over the world as well, I suppose...
BRAIN: (Same dialogue/footage as before) *YES*! (From "Meet John Brain") When
I take over the country, *everyone* will work for me...if anyone opposes me, I'll teach
*them* a lesson...so surrender quietly, and no one will be hurt!
HOST: How *sickening*. To think that such a great intellect would use his talents for
such acts of totalitarianism is utterly...(Squints to read a cue-card off-stage) *evil*,
BRAIN: (Recycled footage/dialogue from (some episode)) *Bah*! (Dialogue spliced in from
"Meet John Brain") ...once I take over the world, remind me to publicly snub
HOST: (Rolling his eyes) Of course. Now, Pinky...isn't it true that you're actually the
one who constantly thwarts Brain's plans to take over the world, for your *own* career
PINKY: (Recycled footage of that "Cartoon Secrets Revealed" promo) I secretly
thwart Brain's plans because if he succeeded, the show would be over, wouldn't it?
HOST: I'm appalled! Of all the self-centered things to do, but to think of your own
*acting career*! While I admit that stopping such a potentially ruthless dictator as Brain
would be for the best, it's still a shocking notion that you'd only cross your own friend
to boost your own career options! Is this actually *true*?!
PINKY: (Recycled footage from "Snowball") (Sobbing) It's true! Troz! *TROZ*!
BENDER & HOMER: (More motionless recycled footage/dialogue) Hey, shut up!
PINKY: (Recycled footage/dialogue) 'K!
HOST: Now now, Homer, Bender, let's not be cruel towards Mr. Pinky...we all know you're
more highly developed characters than *this*...
BENDER: (Same facial close-up, motionless footage/dialogue as before) Bite me,
HOMER: (Recycled footage/dialogue of hitting himself on the head with a plate from
"Homer vs. Patty and Selma") No, I'm not!
HOST: Um...yeah. Now, then, we have exclusive footage presenting what nefarious deeds
the lab mice are plotting...roll the clip!
(More black and white jerkily-moving imagery with melodramatic music plays...)
VOICEOVER: Brain...high-minded would-be ruler (Display a still-screen of Brain smiling
broadly, from "Fly") or cruel, iron-fisted despot? (Cut to recycled footage of
Brain whapping Pinky on the head with a pencil) See for yourself, how this lab mouse plans
on reducing all of humanity to mind-slaves lacking all free will!
(Cue various clips of Brain's multitude of "zombie slave"-oriented plans...)
VOICEOVER: A potential version of this "Brain new world" might resemble
something like this:
(Cue a clip of recycled footage of depressed denizens on Apokolips from a Superman:TAS
episode...we see a giant statue of Darkseid in the background, with Brain's head crudely
spliced over Darkseid's. A caption reads "Projected Prediction. Potential margin of
error + or - 95%.")
VOICEOVER: And also see what effect Brain will have on our nation's *children*: actual
proof that the Brain has accepted gross sums of aid from the tobacco industry in exchange
for providing certain "services"! Even after he promised to take on an
(Cue a still-shot of Brain standing with various tobacco executives in "Inherit
the Wheeze", followed by a clip of his "Brainy Cigarettes" commercial.)
(Back to the "interview"...)
HOST: My goodness, that's awful! Brain, how much money have you received from the
tobacco companies for your schemes?
BRAIN: (Same fist-clenched recycled footage, with dialogue crudely dubbed in from
"Brainania") $14 million dollars!
HOST: I see...and how much of that do you currently have left?
BRAIN: (Recycled footage/dialogue from "Dangerous Brains" of him clenching
several dollar bills) ...just under three bucks...
HOST: Indeed...but either way, your promotion of cigarettes to children is the most
disgusting thing I've seen since...
PINKY: (Recycled footage/dialogue from "T.H.E.Y.") The Senate Ethics
HOST: Um...actually, yes. (Sternly) What do you have to say about all this tobacco
BRAIN: (Recycled footage of him smoking from "Wheeze", as well as dialogue)
...I need a cigarette! (Inhales) Ahh...
HOST: I see...Mr. Bender, Simpson, comments?
BENDER: (Same motionless footage/dialogue) Bite me, fleshbag! (Cut to footage of Bender
lighting up a cigar and exhaling)
HOMER: (Footage of Homer with a cigar from "Homer vs. Patty and Selma", with
dialogue from same episode) Oh, yeah, I'm in flavor country...
HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, this is truly one of the saddest sights I've had the
misfortune of seeing...but not nearly as sickening and frightening as what Billie has to
reveal to us! Now, Billie, are the rumors true that you don't *really* care about Pinky,
and that you're only using him to get to Brain so that *you* can take over the world?
BILLIE: (Recycled footage/dialogue from "World Can Wait") Yeahhh, I guess
PINKY: (Recycled footage/dialogue from some episode, sounding sad) Really?
BILLIE: (Same footage/dialogue as above) Yeahhh... (Crudely edited dialogue from
"Brain Noir") ...I was just using you...Pinky!
PINKY: (Recycled footage of Pinky crying)
HOST: This is *so* *sad*. But perhaps the most frightening aspect of all this rodent
trauma is in the footage I have to present...I must warn you that the following footage
you are about to see may not be suitable for sensitive viewers...(muttering) not that
that's much of a concern for *this* network...(Sounds of the stage director hissing at the
host are heard) Uh, and so, here it is!
(Cue to various recycled clips of Billie-as-Sheila yelling at Brain from "Food
Pellets", Billie cueing for Brain to be dropped off the top of the water park by a
goon from "Brain Noir", and Speedy Gonzales kissing her hand in "Fastest
HOST: And we also have exclusive photos of Billie's *true* beau...the clone of Pinky
and Brain known as *Romey*! Oh, the irony, folks... (Cut to various shots of panels of
this alleged Billie-Romey "affair" from the Pinky and the Brain comic book story
"Acme Valley P.T.A.") Billie, why would you choose a *clone* of Pinky over the
BILLIE: (Recycled footage/dialogue from "Food Pellets") Uh...I dunno...
HOST: Um, yes. Now then, moving along to Slappy Squirrel...Miss Squirrel, do you truly
feel fit to raise a child, especially in light of your "episode"?
(Cue various clips of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo Clock")
SLAPPY: (Recycled from that episode) Shrimp boats and the women who love them! TOOT
HOST: Between that and her penchance for violent behaviour, it's a wonder that Skippy
*isn't* still living with a foster family, Miss Squirrel.
SLAPPY: (Recycled dialogue/footage) Ahhh, stuff it, ya putz...
HOST: Um, yes. Now then, moving on to Axel Foley...what do you think of your cohorts
AXEL: (Recycled footage/dialogue of Axel from "Warner Academy") ...a pain in
the (bleep)in' (bleep)!
HOST: I see...and any animosity still felt towards the Warners?
AXEL: (Recycled footage from "Once and Future Warners", facing the Warners)
...I'm gonna find a way to send you (bleep)s all the way to one million years from now,
where you'll *never* come back!
(Recycled footage of the Warners gulping)
HOST: Whoa, there, Axel, no threats, all right?
AXEL: (Recycled footage/dialogue of Axel laughing from the original "Beverly Hills
Cop" film...in this case, made more obvious than normal due to the fact that this
film was from 16 years ago and Axel's aging since then) (Bleep) you!
HOST: Um...yeah. So, there you have it folks... (Waves his hand at a scene of all the
characters, who're sitting absolutely motionless/unanimated) the Warners plotting militia
actions against our fair nation, Brain plotting even *worse* for humanity as a whole,
Pinky thinking only of his own now-ended acting career, Billie plotting global domination
and *worse* with someone *other* than Pinky at her side, Slappy still mentally agitated,
and Axel Foley still planning on double-crossing the Warners at some point!
AXEL: (Recycled from (any of his movies/fanfic stories)) (Bleep) yeah!
HOST: And, according to certain sources, plotting to deal in illegal narcotics, as
AXEL: (Recycled from (any of his movies/fanfic stories)) (Bleep) yeah, ya crazy
HOST: Gads! That's worse than Brain's plan to sell cigarettes to children!
BRAIN: (Recycled from "Wheeze") ...I'm just...taking advantage of a bad
HOST: *Indeed*, Brain...I'll *bet* you are. Well, any comments from our Fox-based
BENDER: (Similar motionless footage/recycled dialogue as before) *Noooo*... bite me,
HOMER: (Recycled from that sub-par Mel Gibson-makes-a-movie episode) Shut up, shut
HOST: What, none of your amusing witticisms?
HOMER: (Recycled) Uh... (Using recycled footage from "Trash of the Titans",
Homer pushes the completely motionless stock footage of Slappy out of her chair, and sits
in her seat) (Recycled dialogue) Hee hee hee...
HOST: Oh, Homer... (Shakes his head)
HOMER: (Crudely looped footage/dialogue of him slapping his head three times in a row)
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
HOST: Indeed...anyway, that's our show for tonight. We'd like to thank all our guests
for having the guts to admit to their misdeed on national television. Any parting words,
WARNERS: (Footage of them in army fatigues, dialogue from one of the Mr. Director
episodes) Be afraid...be *very* afraid...
BRAIN: (Same clenched fist footage) YES! (Dialogue from "Brinky") Be
afraid...be *very* afraid...
HOST: I see...any plans after this show tonight, guys?
YAKKO: (Recycled from "Macbeth") Aaaaahhhh, let's send out for pizza!
WAKKO: (Recycled from TBCS title sequence) Cheese and pepperoni! (From "A Very
Special Cartoon") But let's take the car!
YAKKO: (Recycled from that same ep) We'll have to stop and fill it up with gas,
though...that pig sucks gas like water!
HOST: (Shaking his head) And to think, with the price of gasoline where it is these
YAKKO: (From some old ep) Who cares? (From "PPPGALF") ...GET A LIFE!...
BILLIE: (From "WCW") Yeahhh...
(The "Warners" leave the stage)
HOST: Lemme guess, Brain...back to the tobacco companies to hit them up for more money
for tonight's plan?
BRAIN: (Clasped fist footage) YES! (Pulls money out of pocket) ...I have just under
HOST: Yes, yes, we've already determined that...but I'm sure the companies will give
you more, *lots* more, especially since it's apparent you've retracted your anti-tobacco
PINKY: (Recycled from "Wheeze") But you promised you weren't going to sell to
the kiddies! You-you-hippopotamus! (Runs off stage crying)
BILLIE: (Recycled from "Food Pellets") Get out and stay out, ya bum! (Points
to something off-stage) My one *true* love... (Pan over to
standing-perfectly-still-and-not-moving-an-inch footage of Romey-the-clone) *Ahhhh*...
("Brain" and "Billie" walk off-stage)
AXEL: (Recycled from "Once and Future Warners") Just wait'll I get those
Warners, and those (bleep)in' lab mice! This saga isn't over yet! (Walks off-stage)
("Slappy" tetters off-stage, yelling "Toot, toot!")
HOMER: (Recycled footage) That's it, I'm outta here! (Shot of Homer from the
"Simpsons"'s first season walking off-stage in a crudely-animated-looking
manner) (Dialogue from the cult episode) Outta my way, jerk@$$!
BENDER: (Same motionless footage/dialogue) Bite me, fleshbag! (Cut to a shot of Bender
walking off stage)
HOST: (Moans and slaps forehead) (Thinking) Even *this* feels like a new low point for
Fox to me... (Speaks up) Well, that's all for tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Join us
tomorrow for "Secrets of Cartoon Characters Revealed", with a secret expose of
the behind-the-scenes moments on the set of "Pokemon"! See what *really* happens
back-stage! (Cut to a shot of Charmander frying Brain, from the Pokemon promos) Now stay
tuned for "Has-Been Actresses: Where Are They Now?" and "When Lab Mice
Attack", later on tonight! (Cut to a shot of an unflattering black-and-white picture
of Roz, with the caption "Roz: Has-Been Comedianne or Convenience Store
Robber?", and a picture of Billie with her mouth hanging open, with Pinkys leg
crudely spliced in as if he was being "attacked".) So long for now!
(Cut to the TV screen in the police academy HQ; we see a remote control hurled at the
screen, smashing it. Pan over to see that the person who threw the remote is none other
than Billie herself...*everyone* looks *extremely* irate, with Billie the most irate one
of all; she looks as if she's about to explode.)
YAKKO: (Seething) Militias...
WAKKO: (Seething) Rampages...
BRAIN: (Seething) Repressive fascist...
AXEL: (Seething) Still seekin' (bleep) revenge...
SLAPPY: (Seething) Mentally unstable...
ROZ: (Seething) Convenience store robber...
DOT: (Seething) All a bunch of half-truths and lies, guys...
(Billie says nothing, but is huffing and puffing from both rage and from the effort
involved in throwing the remote...all are silent for a moment. Finally, Billie speaks up)
BILLIE: (*Extremely* enraged) Guys?
REST: (Angered) Yeah?
BILLIE: (Narrowing her eyes at the now-destroyed TV screen) Stewie and Murdoch are
(All cheer wildly in agreement...)
SGT. SMALL: Indeed! This is by no doubt the most despicable part of their plan...by
ruining your reputations, they'll be sure to prevent the public from giving you any
respect ever again, and thus make it easier to take over all media for themselves! Now
hurry---there's no time to waste!
(Cheering, all race out of the room, and towards their police cars...)
(Cut to a darkened room, with various computer equipment, monitors, etc. about...we
fade into two figures at an elaborate control panel--none other than this story's main
villains, "Family Guy"'s Stewie Griffin and Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch, who've been
eyeing this fake interview's zillionth rebroadcast on Fox News gleefully...we see Stewie's
stroking a stuffed toy cat a la the James Bond movies' Mr. Blofeld...)
STEWIE: Excellent! This is surely my most evil, clever plan yet! By using these
recycled clips from those animated morons' old episodes, those zany cretins can't deny
having actually said those lines!
MURDOCH: Yes, and those spliced-in false rumors should guarantee those losers' ruin!
With the public in strife at these accusations, people will riot! Anything with the name
"Warner" in it will be burned and trashed! Chaos shall reign! Ratings will
skyrocket above the levels of my ill-fated-but-profitable "Who Wants to Marry a
Multi-millionaire?"! And soon, I'll be free to spread my reign of
lowest-common-denominator material across the globe!
STEWIE: Yes! We *will* succeed! And Kesley Grammar's "must-see" days *will*
be numbered! (Both figures laugh maniacally, as the background orchestra music builds to a
crescendo . . .then, Stewie punches a button on a remote control, changing the display to
an image of the Heroes racing towards the patrol cars...)
STEWIE: Hmmm...if those genetically modified rats and those three rejects from a
Rin-Tin-Tin movie think they can defeat our deviously elaborate scheme, *or* find our
secret lair here in Chicago, the Windy City, then they're *clearly* mistaken! Fortunately,
I have a few aces up my sleeve . . . (Looks at sleeve, and shakes it; a few crumbs fall
out) Well, a few pieces of Cheerios, anyway . . . time to send after those madcap fools
the...AGENTS OF DESTRUCTION!
(Orchestra music: dum-dum-dummmm . . . a quick zoom-in on Stewie's face shows Stewie
rapidly shifting his eyes' pupils left and right . . . )
(Stewie whips out a cell phone, and begins dialing . . . )
(Cut to the "state" of North Tacoma, and its most famous town,
Springfield...we see it looks normal (and no longer in a post-apocalyptic state a la
"The Warners Meet the Simpletons" fanfic story). Fading to the now-rebuilt Moe's
Tavern, we see Moe pick up the ringing phone)
MOE: Moe's...uh-huh... (Writing something down on a pad) Ooooh, yeah....*yeah*... why,
those little---! I've been meaning to get a chance to do those little pests in for the
longest time, after they blew up half the town and my bar with it! I'll be there! (Hangs
up) Well, I'm off to team up with pseudo-Russian spies in some podunk Minnesota town to do
those puppy-brats in fer ruinin' my bar! Good thing I was able to rebuild it with the
deposits from Barney's empty beer bottles and a few "deals"...
BARNEY: Glad to help out, Moe! (Belches)
MOE: (With a suitcase) I'm outta here! Barney, beat it!
BARNEY: Aw, Moe, can't I stay? I promise not to touch anything! (Looks at the beer taps
MOE: I don't think so... *am-scray*!
BARNEY: (Trudging out the empty bar) Aww... back to sucking empty beer cans from
recycling bins, I guess... (Moe locks up the bar, and takes off for the Springfield
(Cut to a seedy looking part of Minneapolis, and fade to the inside of a run-down
tenement . . . we see various blueprints plastered all over walls, including one blueprint
labeled "Stolen Apple Computer Blueprints; Deliver to Mr. Gates". A short,
shadow-ensconsed figure answers the phone.)
FIGURE: (With a pseudo-Russian accent) Hello? . . . speaking . . . oh . . . I see! OK,
then . . . goodbye! (Hangs up) Hey, honey, we've gotten our assignment from the boss . . .
to kill some "puppy children" and a comedian cop! And we're supposed to meet up
with some bartender named *Moe*!
FIGURE #2: What a strange name!
FIGURE: Not as strange as the name "Puppy-children"!
NARRATOR: Yes, indeed folks, once more it's those deplorable spreaders of human misery,
those loathsome larcenous losers, those fiends in human form, *Boris Badenov* and *Natasha
BORIS: (To the camera) You were expecting maybe Team Rocket? Come on, Natasha, let's
go! (Boris picks up a suitcase with a skull-and-crossbones logo on it, and the two spies
head for the door. . . )
(Fade to the inside of a messy looking house, with various newspapers, magazines, and
soda cans lying about. We see boxes of P*k*mon merchandise in a corner, with labels
reading "For eBay auctioning only", and an older looking computer with a printer
attached; the monitor displays eBay's web page. A few copies of the "Hill Valley
Telegraph" are seen lying around the room. The figure in this room is talking on the
phone to Stewie, while watching a football game on TV . . . )
FIGURE: Uh-huh . . . yeah . . . gotcha . . . a *big reward*? Buddy, you've got yourself
a bounty hunter! OK, goodbye! (The figure hangs up, and looks at his computer, which is
signaling a new e-mail message . . . the figure clicks the keyboard's buttons, and up pops
a picture of the Brain, Pinky, and Billie. )
NARRATOR: As this dimwitted figure prints off a copy of the lab mice's picture, we
finally see that it's none other than "Back to the Future"'s main villain and
all-around family-sized pain-in-the-butt, *Biff Tannen*!
BIFF: Ha! This is gonna be sweet! Big bucks for baggin' a bunch of mice! (Glancing at
the picture) Especially this big-headed one! He looks like the dumbest-lookin' one of the
whole bunch! All this, and a free trip to Chicago, too! I'm gonna make like a tree, and
get outta here! HAHA! (Biff grabs a suitcase, and begins preparing to head for the airport
. . . )
(Fade to another figure, speaking with Stewie on the phone . . . the surroundings for
this figure's home looks slightly run down; a poster of Andrew "Dice" Clay hangs
in the background.)
FIGURE: Uh-huh . . . yeah . . . you want me to take care of Slappy and a bailiff named
Roz? OK, then . . . no problem! So long! (The obligatory Shadow-Ensconsed Figure figure
hangs up the phone, and, still ensconced in shadows, laughs maniacally . . . )
(Fade back to the police academy, where we see Our Heroes inside separate police
cruisers; the mice's cruiser has a mouse-sized steering wheel and accelerator/brake pedals
on a pile of phone books, rigged up to the main car controls a la the tractor in
"Brain Acres". All, except for Axel, are wearing police officer uniforms. We see
the Sargent standing off to the side of the three cruisers.)
SGT. SMALL: Well, you all have your orders, so I wish you the best of luck . . . and
remember, the future of quality news and entertainment *and* your reputations ride on your
efforts at stopping the "Ally McBeal" network's dastardly duo!
YAKKO: Don't worry, you can count on *us*! Just dont try using the square root
function, though...Wakkos batteries are wearing down! (Wakko pulls two
"AA" batteries from his shirt)
SGT. SMALL: (Nervous) Um...yes...now, given that we've received reports of rioting and
massive chaos spreading through three main locations as we speak, you must go to these
locations to prevent the country from breaking out into chaos *completely*: Las Vegas,
Chicago, *and* Minnesota!
(The Sarge whips out a portable TV, and turns it to a news program: we see that rioting
is indeed amok in these places...in Las Vegas, we see a large crowd of people hurling eggs
at a poster of Slappy Squirrel, raiding a local TV station airing "Night Court"
reruns, and running amok at the various casinos; in Minnesota, we see a shot of people
tearing down a large statue of the Warners at a WB Studio Store, as well as burning a pile
of Axel Foley's movies; and in Chicago, general chaos reigns, with various people running
amok in the streets, and a large pile of Pinky and the Brain merchandise being run over by
someone in a monster truck, with people cheering the driver on...that wacky
"Simpsons" riot music plays throughout. The heroes look shocked, then quickly
SGT. SMALL: As you can see, it must be stopped before things get worse! The law
enforcement agencies in these places are overwhelmed by this rioting, and thus appreciate
our help! Therefore, you should all split up: Slappy and Roz, you take on Vegas, the
Warners and Axel, you go to Minnesota, and Pinky, Billie, and Brain, you head for the
Windy City! Restore the public's opinion of you, stop the rioting, *and* find and shut
down Stewie and Murdoch's bases of operation in each location! That Fox merchandise must
not reach the stores! Got it?
REST: (Angrily) Got it!
SGT. SMALL: Good . . . now, since you'll all have police academy financial account
privileges on this mission, remember to keep all expenses at a *REASONABLE* level . . .
ALL: Ummmm . . . .
SGT. SMALL: (Annoyed) *AHEM*!
ALL: (Sheepishly grinning) *YES*!
SGT. SMALL: *Good* . . . and remember, I'll be contacting all of you by cell phone to
check on your progress! Now, after handling each of your targets, I suggest you all
regroup at a specific location . . .
BILLIE: Hmmm . . . how about we all meet up at that "Rock and Roll
McDonald's" place in Chicago?
(The others, except for Brain, utter sounds of agreement with Billie's meeting place
BRAIN: (Sarcastic) Goody . . . *another* trip to McDonald's . . . can't we go to
Burger King instead? At least that low-cost eatery offers a marginally better
selection of salads! (The others stare at him) *sigh* . . . never mind . . .
SGT. SMALL: Good, then, you're all agreed . . . now go, and *good luck*!
(The cruisers all take off, and head for the Interstate; once there, they take three
separate directions, each team heading for their respective destinations . . . )
(Cut to the Warners' car, heading down a stretch of Interstate highway . . . the
background music softly plays an A!-variant version of the "Hill Street Blues"
YAKKO: Hey, can we stay at the Hilton while in Minnesota? I mean, we *are* getting
"police benefits" on this mission . . .
AXEL: (Sighing) We'll see, though I doubt a town as small as Frostbite Falls is gonna
have a Hilton . . . but if you kids behave, I might take ya to that "Mall of
America" place, though . . .besides, if we do a good job, think of the publicity and
donations well get for my campaign! Ive got the bumper stickers, Ive got
the campaign buttons, Ive got a platform, Im *ready*! What more do I need?!
AXEL: Rhetorical question, ya crazy (bleep)s!
DOT: Gee, guys, I guess helping Axel run for election means that we *will* be listening
to campaign speeches...
WAKKO: In the year 2000...
YAKKO: With Al Gore and the son of George Bush... (All shudder at the thought of their
prediction from the fanfic story "Package Deal" having come to pass...)
(Cut to a shot of their cruiser speeding off down the road, towards the
former-pro-wrestler-governed state, as do the other cruisers to their destinations...)
NARRATOR: Well, our heroes are finally on their way towards thwarting whatever foul,
sinister, and infantile deeds Stewie and his co-conspirator Murdoch are up to . . . will
Stewie and Murdoch's plan succeed?! Will public opinion against the Heroes prove to be
their undoing?! Will we see even *more* recycled gags from the first "Warner
Academy" story before this sequel is finished?! We'll find out next time in:
"THE LAND OF 10,000 FLAKES", or: "NOTHING VENTURA-D, NOTHING
(Commercials for the oh-so-exciting new CNN series "DC Smackdown!" play, a
new series designed by Turner to appeal to the apathetic, nonvoting portion of the
American electorate, with the "main event" being "Puny Human #1" vs.
"Puny Human #2" (a.k.a. George W. Bush and Al Gore) in "The Presidential
Debate Ring", moderated by everyones favorite big-headed green alien newsanchor
from "Futurama"...dont miss it!)
(Cut back to the Warners' police car, with Axel at the wheel. They zoom past a sign
that reads "Welcome to Minnesota (not to be confused with Cherry Soda)." We cut
to interior to see Wakko sitting, looking rather bored. He rips out a chunk of the foam
from inside the car's seat and stuffs it in his mouth, chewing on it like a cow.)
YAKKO: Are we almost there? We sit in the car with this living garbage disposal much
longer, and we won't have any car left...
WAKKO: (Turning to Yakko; stink lines come out of his mouth as he speaks.) Hey, I can't
help it...that triple-A brochure just didn't fill me up...
YAKKO: Eeew, foam breath! Here, try this! (He grabs the little pine tree
good-smell-making thing off from the mirror, and shoves it into Wakko's mouth. Wakko
swallows and breathes into his hand.)
WAKKO: Ah, much better! Thanks!
YAKKO: Don't mention it.
(We go to the front, where we see Axel driving--and he's wearing eyeshadow, rouge, a
pink dress, a redheaded wig, and sloppily-applied lipstick. We see Dot holding a mirror up
behind Axel, so he can see the reflection of the back of his head in the car mirror.
Apparently, she's been giving him a "makeover." He's obviously agitated, but
trying very hard not to explode, due to his promise to "reform.")
DOT: There! Now, don't you just look absolutely fetching?
AXEL: (Very sweetly.) Eh-heh...now, listen, you cute (bleep)in' little kid, you...why
don't you sit your (bleep) down in the (bleep)in' seat? Mr. Foley can't see where the
(bleep) he's goin', and you don't wanna wind up in a (bleep)in' accident...anyhow, we're
here in Minnesota! Why don't you read your (bleep)in' tourbook, and try to learn somethin'
about this lousy (bleep)in' (bleep) hole?
DOT: Well, since you put it sooo nicely...aside from the inevitable R-rated patois...okay!
(She slips back to the back seat, next to her brothers.) Hiya, guys! Where's that book?
YAKKO: (Pulling it out of his pocket and handing it to her.) Here...and you'd better
appreciate it...had a heck of a time keeping this bottomless pit from stomaching it.
(Jerks his thumb at Wakko, who's leaning out the window.)
DOT: What's his problem?
YAKKO: Ah, he's feeling carsick. I warned him not to eat the travel Scrabble... (Wakko
pulls his head into the car and coughs up five small squares with letters on them. They
land on the floor and spell out "BLECH.")
DOT: (Flipping through the book.) Hm...oh, wow...lookit that...oh, keen...ah, I didn't
DOT: (Closing the book.) Wow...Minnesota must be the most boring state in the
world...nothing happens here!
WAKKO: Ah, I'm sure there's more boring...
YAKKO: Sure...there's Indiana! (Yakko grabs the book.) Hey, this doesn't look like such
a terrible place... (We cut to a shot of the book, as Yakko runs down a column on
"General Info.") Says here they're also known as the "Gopher State"
(Picture of the Looney Tunes "Goofy Gophers", holding up a little banner
that reads, "Gopher It!"), the state flower is the Pink-and-White Lady's Slipper
(Shot of a shapely female leg, with a pink & white bunny slipper on), the state bird
is the common loon (Shot of Daffy Duck, doing his "hoo-hoo!" act), the state
drink is milk (That "Bob Dole with a milk mustache" ad from the 1996 election),
the state muffin is blueberry (Shot of said muffin, with the caption, "Part of this
incomplete breakfast"), and the state seal is Kevin. (Shot of Kevin Seal, former MTV
WAKKO: (Suddenly breaking into song, as the band swells up.):
Minnesota, hail to thee
Hail to thee our state so dear
Thy light shall ever be
A beac-- (His siblings tackle him.)
DOT: Hey! Remember what we said: no singing this time!
WAKKO: Sorry...I can't help breaking into song when I'm hungry.
YAKKO: (Reaches into a box.) Here...eat some of Axel's campaign pins! (He pulls them
out, and Wakko opens his mouth and dives for them. Yakko pulls his hand away, leaving the
pile of pins floating in mid-air for a moment, before Wakko gulps them down.)
WAKKO: Mmm...ow! Oh! Ouch! Eep! ...aaaah.
AXEL: HEY! WATCH THOSE THINGS, YA (BLEEP)IN' SONS A'--
(The three Warners tap their feet and "tsk tsk tsk.")
AXEL: Er...I mean, uh...here, help yourselves to some bumper stickers! (Forces a grin
as he hands them another box.)
WAKKO: (Pushing it away.) No thanks...those always stick to the roof of my mouth, and
won't come off for days...besides, the glue you used tastes funny.
AXEL: Hmph... (He takes the box back, and pulls one of the stickers out. He analyzes
it, sniffs it, then at last licks it.) (Grumbling.) Tastes fine to me...best (bleep)in'
glue I ever tasted...hmph...
YAKKO: (Shifting through some of the boxes of campaign material in the back of the car;
he holds up a poster that reads, "VOTE FOR JEFF JOHNSON," with the name crossed
out, and "AXEL FOLEY" rather sloppily substituted.) Hey, who's Jeff Johnson? And
why is your name written over his on all these posters and bumper stickers?
AXEL: Er...that's a rather long story, kiddies...and at any rate, we're here! (They
pull up to a rustic-looking motel called the "Bread & Butter Inn.")
YAKKO: Oh, how quaint...
DOT: If you'd be so kind as to get the bags, Axel, dear?
AXEL: Well, actually, I am a bit tired after that drive...I was hoping maybe I could go
to the room and rest, and you kids...could...unpack... (He notes that the three are all
brandishing mallets.) Er...that is to say...ah, (bleep). (He tiredly walks to the trunk,
and starts taking out the suitcases.)
WAKKO: See you in the room! (The three run off. Axel mumbles some fouler-than-usual
obscenities under his breath.)
(We cut ahead to the Warners in their room. Yakko is lying on the bed with the remote,
flipping through the TV stations so fast he can't even see what's on. Wakko is on the
phone, and Dot is flipping through the Gideon's Bible.)
DOT: ...and Jechonias begat Salathiel; and Salathiel begat Zorobabel; and Zorobabel
YAKKO: Wait, wait...who begat Jechonias again?
YAKKO: This story is confusing...the cast is too large! We hardly get a chance to get
acquainted with any of the characters!
DOT: Hm...well, all the reviews called it "the greatest epic ever!" Maybe it
WAKKO: Could you guys keep it down? I'm trying to conduct a business transaction here!
(To the phone.) Yes, that's right...five of everything on the menu! ...well, it's just a
sampler...once I decide what I like, I'll order a larger amount. ...right...and could you
include about 50 mustard packets? Thanks! (Hangs up.) (Dramatically.) I'm going to live
through this, and when it's all over, whether I have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill, I'll
never be hungry again!
YAKKO: Look, Wakko, if you're gonna start quoting old movies, you can go sleep in the
WAKKO: Sorry...I'll be better once the food gets here!
(Suddenly, someone knocks at the door.)
YW&D: (Running up to the door.) Who iiiiis iiiiit?
AXEL: (From outside; grunting from the weight of all the luggage.) Axel. Open the door,
quick! I'm gonna collapse...
YAKKO: But how do we know it's really you?
AXEL: Open the (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)in' (bleep) son-of-a-(bleep)in' (bleep)y door, ya
DOT: Yep...that's Axel!
(Yakko grabs at the knob and turns it. The whole door falls off its hinge, and into the
room. Axel collapses onto the bed, dumping the luggage on the floor, as the Warners stare
at the door.)
DOT: Lovely...how much d'ya suppose the Academy paid to send us here? (The three pick
the door up with some effort, and slam it back into place. Unfortunately, this also causes
the west wall to collapse, crushing Axel in bed.)
AXEL: (Under wall.) Ah, (bleep).
(The three kids shrug at us.)
NARRATOR: As we fade to the following morning, and see the sun start to rise, we find
the Warners and that rouge-turned-good-turned-politician, Axel Foley, are having breakfast
in a small restaurant in Frostbite Falls!
(Cut to this scene, where we see that Wakko's scarfing down pancakes like nobody's
business...his siblings and Axel watch this with a slightly disturbed look...)
WAKKO: (In mid-scarfing) Um...yeah?
DOT: How about saving some for the *rest* of...the restaurant?
AXEL: Yeah! Besides, this ain't "all you can eat"! Do you know how much all
this is (bleep)in' costin' us?!
WAKKO: Aw, don't worry...I charged it to the police academy's account! They're supposed
to be paying for our trip, remember?
REST: Oh...right! (They all order some more food of their own, with this in mind...)
AXEL: (Glancing over at the other side of the room) Hey, check it out...Jesse "the
Body" Ventura! Must be givin' some sort of governor's speech or somethin'...think
I'll go talk to him. Y'never know...he might be willing to lend support to my little
WAKKO: Weren't we supposed to be looking for Stewie's base of operations and restoring
YAKKO: Ooooh, somebody remembered the plot!
WAKKO: Really? Faboo! (Glances out the window) Hey, look over there, guys! I see moose!
DOT: Moose? Where?! I could use some for my hair after that long trip...
WAKKO: No, not *that* moose...*that* one!
NARRATOR: Yes, walking into the restaurant were none other than those stalwart heroes
of the Land of 10,000 Lakes, Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose!
ROCKY: Gee, Bullwinkle, the restaurant owner said the governor wanted to see us for
BULLWINKLE: To show him my half-nelson?
ROCKY: No, it can't be *that*...
BULLWINKLE: Yeah...probably just to referee his next match!
ROCKY: Bullwinkle, he's a *politician* now!
BULLWINKLE: Well, maybe he's going to wrestle the state treasurer? They keep talking
about "budget wrangling" and all...
(The Warners approach the moose and squirrel...)
YAKKO: (Singing) Hello...
DOT: (Singing) Hello....
WAKKO: (Singing) *Hello*.....
ROCKY: Hey, waitaminute....aren't you the Warners?
BULLWINKLE: Yeah, and why aren't you wearin' those army togs I saw ya in on that TV
YAKKO: Because that "interview" is about as fake as your governor's wrestling
WAKKO: Yeah, we've been framed! (Whips out a picture frame, until Dot slaps it out of
his hands) We've gotta clear our names! (Whips out a deskplate reading "Wakko
Warner", and wipes some smudge off it)
BULLWINKLE: Gee, you guys do bad puns, too, huh?
DOT: Good thing nobody here's reacted to our presence here so far...
ROCKY: Well, all the ruckus I read about was mostly down in the Twin Cities! But if all
of you really *are* innocent---
YAKKO: And we *are*...
ROCKY: Then we'll *help*! Right, Bullwinkle?
BULLWINKLE: Absotively...um...what's the problem again?
ROCKY: Oh, *Bullwinkle*....
NARRATOR: And as the siblings explain the whole situation to the dimwitted moose and
his plucky squirrel ally in full, we pan over to see that the governor and Axel are having
words with each other over issues of the utmost importance to politicans...
AXEL: I keep tellin' you (bleep), I'm *not* out to subvert our nation's youth, *or* get
revenge on the Warners! They're my (bleep)in' campaign staff for cryin' out loud! That TV
interview's a (bleep)in' lie!
JESSE: Yeah, right...I called that moose and squirrel here for a photo op---er, to give
them an award...*not* to see some foul-mouthed jerk like *you*!
AXEL: Look, I need the political campaign support...and if I don't clear my (bleep)in'
name, things aren't going to look too bright for *anyone* in the country before long!
JESSE: Well...tell you what: you show me your best wrestling move, and if you can pin
me to the ground, I'll give my support to you and those weird doglike-things...
DOT: (Off-screen, annoyed) *WE'RE NOT DOGS!*
JESSE: Eh, sure ya aren't....like I was saying, I'll give you my support!
AXEL: (Bleep)in' great! OK, then, let's go!
(The Warners grab Wakko's wacky sack, and pull out a wrestling ring from it...they then
begin coaching Axel, with Wakko and Dot massaging his shoulders, and Yakko (in a
turtleneck sweater and derby hat) playing "coach"...)
YAKKO: (sounding like a grizzled old coach) OK, Axy, yer gotta beat this bum into pate!
Flatten 'em like a pancake! Julianne 'em like...uh... (whips out a cookbook, and scans
it)...well, like a really finely-chopped onion!
AXEL: No problem...OK, let's go!
(The bell rings...we see the restaurant crowd swarm around the ring, and cheer their
governor on...Axel lunges for Ventura's legs, and tries to trip him; however, Jesse picks
up Axel, and begins spinning him around, hurling him into one of the poles. Axel, however,
only looks a bit dazed...)
AXEL: Looks like I'm gonna have to use a bit o' strategy here...Wakko! Get me that
(Wakko hands Axel his binder...Axel walks back over to Jesse, and shows its interior to
him. Jesse begins looking quite ill, before finally fainting to the floor. Axel steps one
foot on Jesse's chest, and the bell rings. Dot, in a referee's outfit, declares Axel the
DOT: The *winner*, and still *ob-scene*...*AXEL FOLEY!*
YAKKO: Eh, what'd ya show him?
AXEL: The reviews for all those "B"-movies he used ta do...
AXEL: (Helping Jesse get up) Anyway, we've got his support...now, let's get goin' after
that Stewie guy!
BULLWINKLE: (Holding a suitcase) And we're comin' along!
AXEL: Really? Why?
ROCKY: Because we're *heroes*, and heroes always help out someone in need!
AXEL: Oh...well, OK!
(The group exits the restaurant, head for their police cruiser, and take off...some
distance outside of Frostbite Falls, we see hiding behind a billboard reading "The
Stewie Channel: Coming Soon!" are Moe, Boris, and Natasha...)
MOE: OK, they're comin' this way...so, what's your plan? It doesn't involve CGI does
BORIS: (Remembering CGI's use in that R&B movie) Oooogh! Of *course* not! Here's
the fiendish plan: puppy children are more hormonally charged than whole fraternity put
NATASHA: Hmm...I guess.
BORIS: Puppy-children always shout "hellooo, nurse!" at anyone attractive and
do what they say, right?
BORIS: So, here's the plan... (whispers it to Moe and Natasha, who react delightedly)
NATASHA: (Delighted) Oh, Boris, you're the Frankenstein of cartoon assassination!
BORIS: Beh-heh-heh...I try!
NARRATOR: As the three villains put their plan into motion, we return our attention to
the heroes, cruising in this direction in their patrol car!
WAKKO: Can we stop somewhere? I'm *hungry*!
AXEL: AGAIN?! Dang, you eat like a *moose*!
BULLWINKLE: *HEY*! ...Besides, I'm on a *diet*...
AXEL: Oh, sorry...
YAKKO: Hey, what's that?
NARRATOR: Axel stops the car, and the heroes all get out...to see standing before them
are two familiar-and-muscular-looking lifeguards!
(We see Boris and Natasha, dressed as such...Boris is wearing fake-looking muscles and
shorts, while Natasha's merely dresssed in a one-piece swimsuit...)
BORIS: (Waving at the heroes) Hey there! Allow me to in-tro-dooce myself...Davey
Hurlemoff, at your service, and this is my fellow highly attractive lifeguard, Pamela
WARNERS: *HELLOOOOO, NURSE*! (They go into the usual hysterics, to Rocky and
ROCKY: Say, haven't we seen you somewhere before?!
BORIS: Not in *this* story, buddy...anyway, how would you all like a free swimming
lesson? My treat!
YAKKO: (Dazed) Sure thing...as long as *she*'s teaching CPR!
NATASHA: Whatever you vant, puppy child dahling...
DOT: (Dazed) Ooooh, him too, I hope...
BORIS: Very well, all of you come vith me!
(The spies and Warners walk off, as do R&B...Axel races after them...)
AXEL: WAIT! We've gotta get back to work here! This ain't no summer camp trip!
NARRATOR: But too late...as we see the spies lead them to a nearby lake...
BORIS: First lesson: the backstroke! All of you get in the water, and we'll get
DOT: (Dazed) Sure thing....*sigh*...
BULLWINKLE: OK...good thing I ate an hour ago!
(The Warners do a spin-change, and emerge in bathing suits)
NARRATOR: But as the Warners, Rocky, and Bullwinkle dive into the water, they fail to
see that the lake is filled with hungry, ravenous *sharks*! Will the Warners' hormonally
influenced poor judgement do themselves in?! Be sure to be with us next time for:
THIS BITES, or THE LONE SHARK!
(Commercials with a disgusted-looking Daffy Duck being forced to hawk bathroom cleaning
NARRATOR: As we turn our attention to Slappy and Roz, we see that theyre driving
into that gilded kingdom of decadence, the wonderland of wedding chapels, the epicenter
for Elvis impersonators, the shelter of Siegfried and Roy...
SLAPPY and ROZ: We get it, we get it, we're in Las Vegas!
(We see a montage of the sights and people mentioned above, with Slappy and Roz
glancing around in bemused wonderment. The Anita Baker song with the lyrics "From
beginning to end, 365 days of the year..." plays in the background.)
ROZ: If the chaos I heard about in New York City is any indication, we must remain
inconspicuous if we want to survive!
SLAPPY: Although this demeans me, I have an idea to help us get past anyone. What
happens is: you pose as a highly sophisticated woman...I'm thinkin' Joan Collins on
"Dynasty"...You following me?
ROZ: So far, yes!
SLAPPY: Good...next, I'll pose as your pet squirrel!
ROZ: You...as a pet?
SLAPPY: Yeah, it is a pretty stupid idea, but do we want to live by doing something
stupid, or die by doing something even more stupid?
ROZ: Well, when you put it that way, then we should do it! One more problem, though...
ROZ: I don't have makeup, a fur coat, or a cage to put you in!
(Slappy glances out the window, and much to her surprise, she finds...)
SLAPPY: A shopping center! They have a furrier (Aside to the camera) Animal activists
will be calling me "Hitler's Second Coming"...and I'm Jewish! Where was I? Oh,
right! They also have a makeup department, and a place to purchase pet supplies.
ROZ: God truly works in mysterious ways!
SLAPPY: You're off by a lot! The person who's working in mysterious ways is 17 years
old, overweight, depressed, and working on a movie of his own when he isn't working at the
(Cut to sometime later, outside the shopping center...we see Roz wearing a lovely
dress, while Slappy is wearing a dog collar, a tag reading "Slappy Doo", and is
being held on a leash by Roz. Slappy looks rather annoyed...)
SLAPPY: I'm gonna get that flippin' Caps fer this "idea"...
ROZ: Oh, stop complaining! Besides, it was *your* idea, not his!
SLAPPY: I know, I know...dunno what I was thinkin'...
ROZ: Um... (Glances across the street, where we see a horde of people burning a pile of
Slappy Squirrel videos) us *living*?!
SLAPPY: Oh, yeah...anyway, let's hit the casinos!
ROZ: To rebuild our popularity and destroy Stewie's scheme, right?
SLAPPY: Um...sure. C'mon...I hear Pharoah's Palace is offerin' half price on drinks
(The two walk off, and head for Pharoah's Palace...however, they fail to see that
they're being followed by a sinister, shaded-looking figure...namely, Stewie's Vegas-sent
thug. Yes, folks, hes doing the old Shadow-Ensconsed Villain bit...)
FIGURE: Ha! That squirrel's costume can't fool *me*! She's going to meet her doom at
the Palace...and I don't mean at blackjack!
(Cut to Pharoah's Palace sometime later, as we see Roz and Slappy are at a table with
people similar to the ones at James Bond's Vegas table in "Diamonds are
Forever"...jazz music plays in the background.)
CLERK: (To Roz) Hey, we don't allow dogs inside, miss...
ROZ: But she's a, um, very special dog---I need her for good luck!
CLERK: Yeah? How so?
SLAPPY: Um...I can talk, see? So, gimme $20 on number 36, black, or I'll send *you* to
the dogpound, OK?
CLERK: *Sigh*...whatever...at least you aren't as bizarre as that Hunter S. Thompson
(Unknown to our heroes, the sinister figure seen earlier is lurking beneath the
table...he/she laughs sinisterly at what he/she's about to pull on the unsuspecting
cops...the figure plants what looks like a plastic explosive underneath the number that
Slappy placed her bet on, and a magnet to draw the roulette ball towards it.)
NARRATOR: Well, whoever this figure is, they'll have to reveal themselves sooner or
later...um...I hope! Will Slappy's gambling be the end for her and Roz-the-ex-bailiff? Be
with us next time for:
YOU BET YOUR LIFE, or DIE-MONDS ARE FOREVER!
(Cut to commercials with Sylvester and Tweety promoting mayonnaise...then go back to
(We fade in on Biff Tannen, wandering the streets of Chicago. He's glancing up at the
citys various skyscrapers and not looking where he's going. Suddenly, he bumps into
BIFF: Hey! Watch where you're going, butthead! You wanta start something?! (The
stranger straightens himself up to his full height--6'4". He slides a .32 out of his
STRANGER: Sure...I'll be glad to start something. Around these parts, they call
me...Leroy Brown. (Biff gasps in surprise, and stumbles backwards into the street. As
Leroy and the crowd laugh at him, a car zooms by and runs him over. We cut to the inside
of the car, where we see the mice...)
BILLIE: Eggy, I think we hit something back there...shouldn't we check it out?
BRAIN: Whatever it was, the crowd will take care of it. We can't afford to stop...after
seeing that Fox special, any crowd that recognizes us will eat us alive. You saw what
happened when we made that pit stop in Kansas! They nearly beat us to death with stalks of
PINKY: Oh, yes...I still have grain behind my ears. POIT!
BRAIN: Well, here we are...Chicago. What do you think, guys?
PINKY: Oh, it's--look! Omigosh, Brain! It's the Kraft Food Headquarters! Oh, someone,
quick, get a camera!
BILLIE: (Flipping through a tourbook.) Hey, Eggy, get this: according to this, the
first McDonald's restaurant ever was built right here in this city! (Brain grimaces
PINKY: (Glancing over Billie's shoulder at the book.) Candy capital of the world,
"The Taste of Chicago" food festival, the Oceanarium, the Lincoln Zoo...oh, this
is definitely my kind of town, Brain!
BRAIN: Well, I suppose you two may as well do a bit of sightseeing...once we get to the
hotel, we'll have a good night's sleep. Then tomorrow, I'll scout out the area and see if
I can flush out Stewie and Murdoch's base of operations, as well as trying to quiet the
riots. You two can go off and have some fun for a day or two until I need you. Okay?
PINKY & BILLIE: Okay!
BRAIN: Wonderful. Frankly, I have no idea how the Sergeant expects us to restore the
public's former good opinion of us...judging by the look of this mob, they'll lynch me on
sight... (They pull up in front of a hotel called the "Billy Sunday Bed &
Breakfast." Brain brakes, and they all hop out. They enter the hotel, and Brain
speaks with the guy at the main desk.) Greetings, good sir...I am Mr. The Brain...I have
reservations for room 293? (The clerk checks the computer records.)
CLERK: (In Droopy Dog-type voice.) Oh, my, you are a short one, aren't you? Ah, here we
are...Mr. Brain, from New York. Here on business or pleasure?
BRAIN: Actually, I am a laboratory rodent intent on dominating the globe. My associates
and I are former stars of television, who have come to restore our good name with the
public, after having been badmouthed by Rupert Murdoch and a hyper-intelligent baby named
Stewie, star of the mercifully short-lived Fox television series, "Family Guy."
CLERK: Don't get smart, now...if you don't want to tell me just say so. Pushy
Easterners... Your key, sir.
BRAIN: Um...actually, it would probably be easier for us to just slide underneath the
door, if it's all the same to you...that key would be a bit bulky for us to lug around
CLERK: Very well. I hope you find your stay enjoyable, sir. Breakfast is from 6 to 9.
(The three march off.) Queer folk, those Easterners...
(The mice arrive at an elevator.)
BRAIN: Hm...uh...who'd like to push the button?
PINKY: Oh, me! Me! (Pinky begins reaching for the button. Unfortunately, due to his
small size, he doesn't come anywhere near it. But he doesn't let this deter him, and
continues to reach up.)
BILLIE: Here, I'll get it! (She rushes to a corner, where the janitor has brushed all
the trash from the floor. She digs through and pulls out a long piece of string and a
paperclip. She ties the paperclip to the end of the string, and uses it as a grappling
hook, to pull herself to the top of a nearby banister. From there, she unties the
paperclip (nearly losing her balance on the banister for a moment as the knot comes
undone), then ties the string into a lasso and throws it. It hooks onto a screw directly
above the elevator button. She ties the other end to the banister, and hooks the paperclip
onto the string. She slides across, putting her feet forward. Her feet hit the
"Up" button head-on, and the elevator comes down and opens. Billie lets go of
the paperclip, and lands down on the floor next to the others.)
PINKY: Oh...just like on "Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers"! TROZ!
BRAIN: (Shocked.) Yes, well, er...let's hurry! The door is closing! (The three dash
into the elevator.)
(We cut ahead to the hotel room. Brain is in front of a TV showing a news report of
another riot at a nearby WBSS. Open near him are newspapers, each with reports on the
riots as well. He's busy transcribing his latest plan in his "BIG BOOK OF WORLD
DOMINATION." In the adjacent bathroom, the sink has been filled near to the top with
tepid water, and steam is coming out. Pinky and Billie are sitting happily on the edge,
dangling their feet into it like a hot tub.)
PINKY: Oh...watch this, Billie! (He puts his right hand on the surface of the water,
and clasps his fingers to his hand quickly. This causes a surge of water to pop out the
top of his fist. It splashes up on Billie.)
BILLIE: (Laughing.) Oh, that's neat! (She playfully splashes him with her tail.
However, when he tries to manipulate his tail around into the water, he slips and falls
into the sink.)
PINKY: Halp! Halp! I can't swim! Glub! Wa-ha-haaa--*GLUB!* (Billie reaches in, grabs
his hand, and helps him out.)
BILLIE: (Smiling) Better watch out...if anything happens to you, I'll be stuck here
alone with boring ol' Eggy!
BRAIN: (From the next room.) I heard that.
(Both Pinky and Billie laugh for a bit. Brain slams his book shut in the next room.)
BRAIN: Well, I think it'd be best if we all got some sleep...I've got to get up early
tomorrow and figure out what I'm going to do to cleanse our tarnished reputations, and you
two have to---do...whatever you do.
BILLIE: Guess he's right...c'mon, Pinky! Let's set up pillows by the window so we can
watch the stars!
BILLIE: Hee hee...sure. (She pulls the sink plug, draining the sink, and the two run
(We see the mice settling in for the night. Brain lies in one of the beds, the covers
pulled up over him. He lies, awake and restless, his brain still hard at work. Pinky and
Billie have laid two pillows by the window. Pinky is curled up in a ball in his pillow, as
Billie lies on her back contentedly looking up at the sky.)
PINKY: (Sleepily.) Nighty night, Billie.
BILLIE: (Tenderly.) G'night, Pinky.
(We fade away from the hotel, and return to rural Minnesota...)
NARRATOR: Well, when we last left the Warners, we found that they were up to their
necks in shark-infested waters!
(We see the Warners, Rocky and Bullwinkle are swimming around in the water, with Boris
and Natasha standing closeby, in their "Baywatch"-esque disguises.)
WAKKO: Gee, does something about this water feel odd to you?
DOT: Like what?
WAKKO: Like, I dunno...*sharp*?!
BULLWINKLE: Now that ya mention it, it *does* feel a bit jagged...must be
"hard" water or somethin'...
(We see a shark swim around the swimming group, as the "Jaws" theme music
plays...the music builds to a crescendo as the sharks move in on the group, but just as
theyre about to attack, Bullwinkle pulls something out of the water...)
BULLWINKLE: Here's what's been pokin' me...lousy fish!
(Bullwinkle throws the fish with the utmost moose-strength, and it hurls towards the
opposite side of the lake; the sharks immediately take off after it.)
BORIS: (Surprised) *WHAT*?! (Fuming) Come on, Natasha...time to go talk with a certain
(Later on, we see the Warners and R&B back at the car with an annoyed Axel...)
AXEL: Where have you (bleep)s been?!
YAKKO: We were looking for that dreamy lifeguard to get her phone number, but she
vanished...must be applying more sunscreen or something.
WAKKO: Wish we could've helped her... (The boys wiggle their eyebrows at each other,
while Dot rolls her eyes)
AXEL: If you're all finished acting like wild and crazy (bleep)s, we can get goin' to
Minneapolis! Accordin to the radio, the riots there are gettin *worse*!
(They all get in the car, and take off...cut back to the spies, speaking to Moe.)
MOE: I told ya, it was supposed to have worked! But accordin' to this book (Whips out a
book titled "Shark Basics, by S. Lady") sharks seem ta prefer eatin' seafood
over humans, or somethin'...
BORIS: Blasted sea trivia! Especially when I could've used it while playing along with
"Jeopardy" at home last night...
NATASHA: Well, Boris, what now? Puppy children, moose, and squirrel are getting away!
BORIS: Don't worry...I've got another plan...
NATASHA: Will this new plan work?
BORIS: Well, *one* of my plans are bound to! Come on...let's get it set up!
(Cut back to the car, as we see it driving to the Twin Cities...the
all-too-typical-and-familiar-by-now Fanfic Montage is seen: McDonalds pit
stops, the Warners pestering a group of tourists from Germany to vote for Axel, the sibs
harassing Axel with various gags, etc. Finally, we get to the Twin Cities...the car pulls
to a stop in downtown Minneapolis, and all get out.)
DOT: Wow....Minneapolis. Its so...so...*Minnesotan*.
YAKKO: Oooh, well put, Dot! Id have said "all trees-y" myself....
DOT: Um, so what now, guys?
AXEL: We get this crazy (bleep)in' crowd under control, that's what!
DOT: Fine with me...
YAKKO: Yeah, and we can start with takin' care of those guys!
WAKKO: What guys?
(Yakko points to an approaching crowd of people...)
YAKKO: Aaaaaah, them.
(As the angry mob swarms in, the Heroes begin looking fairly frightened...)
DOT: So, what do we do now?!
AXEL: Um...kiss our (bleep)s goodbye?!?
BULLWINKLE: Cut to a commercial?
DOT: Dont quote lines from that movie of yours, please...
BULLWINKLE: Oh, *sorry*...
YAKKO: (Looking at a piece of paper on a clipboard.) Let's see..."two places at
once"..."right behind 'im"...that "exploding cards" bit...the
"turn the room upside down" thing..."hail of anvils"...erm...we could
use gookies, maybe?
DOT: Gimme that! (She grabs the clipboard.) This is our entire repertoire?! What about
all those great gags we did back when we had our show?
YAKKO: Well, eh...actually, I've been meaning to go back over our old cartoons and
write some of those down...
DOT: Great...now what?
WAKKO: (Thinking heavily, then getting an idea.) Don't worry...leave everything to me!
(He suddenly hops from the center of the crowd, to a high spot on a ledge.) My
friends...let us end this madness now! Hasn't it gone far enough? If we take away your
threatening protest signs and fancy guns and murderous knives and nooses fit to the sizes
of our respective necks, what are you? You're living, breathing, sentient beings, just
like me, or my siblings, or these freakishly two-dimensional animals of the wild, or this
foulmouthed misfit from Detroit...
YAKKO: (Whispering to Wakko.) A word of advice...somehow I think comparing them to us
isn't going to exactly improve matters.
WAKKO: As I say: hasn't this gone far enough? You gave it to Joey and Dugan and
Charley. Charley was one of your own!
GUY IN THE CROWD: (Suddenly breaking into tears.) Oh, Charley...I didn't mean to bump
ya... It was dark! I thought you was that Capone guy! Oh, Charley...
GUY # 2: (Comfortingly.) We all liked Charley...but we don't hold ya's responsible.
GUY # 3: Yeah, you're only human...you're gonna make mistakes on the job. Can't be
GUY # 1: Well, the odd little fuzzy kid with the face paint and the turtleneck is
right...it ends here. (He steps up to Wakko.) Thank you, oh small one, for showing us the
error of our ways. We are forever in your debt.
WAKKO: Um...can I have an I.O.U. for that?
YAKKO: (Pulling Wakko by the arm.) Erm...well, I think it's time we be on our merry
little way...thanks so much for seeing it our ways, folks!
BULLWINKLE: (Standing in front of a group brandishing knives, nooses, and guns.)
Uh...well, you're all a real bunch of *cutups*. Sorry we couldn't *hang around* longer,
ROCKY: Geez, Bullwinkle, don't give 'em any ideas...
AXEL: Can't say it hasn't been a little piece a' (bleep)in' heaven, 'cause it hasn't!
Bye! (The six dash off *VERY* quickly.)
GUY # 1: Heeey...waitaminnit...I never knew any Charley!
GUY # 3: And besides, weren't those the guys we-- (Realization dawns on the crowd. They
suddenly take off after our heroes. Meanwhile, we fade to the main hired villains of our
(The dastardly trio hides behind some bushes, making final adjustments to their latest
disguises. Boris is dressed as the Brain, Moe as Pinky, and Natasha as Billie. They're all
wearing whitewashed M*ckey M*use hats, white bodysuits with cheesy pink tails, and various
accessories like hair and noses.)
BORIS: These disguises are so perfect they cannot fail! The boss was kind enough to
send me a picture of three of those kids' friends--some goofy-looking rodents. With these
ingenious disguises, the children will think we're them, and will trust us so that we'll
have chance to bump them off. I even got some sample dialogue... (Hands pieces of paper to
the other two.) Now, practice your lines!
MOE: (Dressed as "Pinky," but reading off a sheet labeled
"Brain"--apparently, Boris got the pages mixed up.) Eh..."City-zens of de
world...you'se undah my control. You'll do whatever's I sez." Oh, this is corny
stuff...what is this loser, some sorta freak?
NATASHA: (Reading "Pinky.") "Narf. Troz. Glub." I do not
understand. What is character's motivation?
BORIS: Never mind...step back and watch some real acting! Ladies and gentlemen...the
Brain! (Reading off the "Billie" sheet.) "Pinky is the only one who could
love me for who I am! Howabout it, big boy...wanna take over *MY* world?" (Boris
looks a bit shocked at what he's just read.)
MOE: (Realizing that he's "Pinky.") Now, wait a minute...just what kinda gang
am I getting into here?!
BORIS: Alright, alright, calm down...we'll figure things out later. Come on, let us
find those Warners... (They step out of the bushes. The crowd that was chasing the other
six suddenly spots them.)
GUY # 2: Hey! It's those mice! The Warners' friends!
CROWD: Get 'em! (They immediately alter their course from the Warners to the
"mice." Our three villains turn tail and run...cut back to our heroes,
whore still on the run from the angry mob. They duck into, and soon emerge from, a
trendy clothing shop called "The Gap Stop Measure", wearing an oh-so-original
disguise of sunglasses....the crowd passes all of them by.)
AXEL: *Sunglasses*. Thats all that it took to make those (bleep)s not recognize,
among others, some (bleep)in six-foot-tall guy with *antlers* and three
YAKKO: Aaaaah....guess so. (Pulls Axel down to his level) Oh, and by the way... (Yells
into Axels ear at the top of his lungs) WERE NOT PUPPIES!
DOT: I think thats my line.
YAKKO: Oops. Sorry. (Grins)
AXEL: (Slapping the side of his ear) Ill say ya are....
DOT: Well, speaking of costumes, Id hate for *this* one to go to waste.... (Does
a spin-change, and emerges in Mary Tyler Moore-esque clothing) (Singing) "Who can
turn the stove on with her *smile*?!" (Shes about to toss a blue-colored knit
cap up in the air a la the MTM Shows opening credits, but pauses, as she hears a
voice come from behind her...)
(Dot turns around, and finds standing there is Mary Tyler Moore herself...)
MARY: Theres where my hat went...Ive been looking for it *everywhere*! (Dot
hands Mary back her trademark blue-colored knit cap, and grins sheepishly) Thank you!
(Turns around to leave, but pauses a moment) By the way...nice outfit! (Winks, and
exits...Dot looks pleased, while Axel looks impatient with all this)
AXEL: Great....we don't have time for (bleep)in' song parodies, we've gotta take care
of Stewie's operations! So far, all we've done here in Minnesota is beat up some pro
wrestler-turned-governor, meet some (bleep)in' flyin' squirrel and moose, and now we're
makin' fun of some old 70s TV show when some (bleep)in' *mob*'s after us! (Glances
back at the approaching mob) I think wed better haul (bleep) to (bleep)in
BULLWINKLE: (Making a face at this language) Boy, you sure got a potty mouth there...
AXEL: Ah, (bleep) it, ya moose...
ROCKY: (Also makes a face) I havent heard language like *that* since Robert
DeNiro got the reviews for that film we made...but anyway, Axels right: wed
better go to Chicago!
(The group all race for their police car, as do the others, and they take off...)
(Meanwhile, we cut back to the sinister lair of Stewie Griffin and Rupert
Murdoch...they seem to be annoyed at their Minnesotan assassins
incompetence...theyre speaking to their hired Minnesotan assassins via a two-way
STEWIE: Blast! You've not eliminated those annoying animated idiots like you promised!
BORIS: Of course not...I promised I'd *try*...I didn't say I'd *succeed*! (Groveling)
Er...no hard feelings, Stewie, boss, buddy?
STEWIE: (Narrowing eyes) Well, *TRY HARDER*! Or it'll be *YOUR* lives that'll meet an
untimely end! (Turns off the monitor) (To Murdoch) You know, I really hate yelling at him
like that and all...not having had much experience with owning underlings and
all...especially since that Boris fellow's a good 4 decades older than me and
all...*sigh*...ah, well. Are those pancakes finished yet?
MURDOCH: Right here, Stewie.... (A random minion brings in some pancakes, and Stewie
starts in on them) And soon, the *bigger* project will be complete, as well...
STEWIE: (With his mouth partially full) Oh, yes, of course... (Presses a button with
his fork, and we see on a monitor an image pop up) ...my means of conquering all
mankind...the *TESLA DEATH RAY*!
(Orchestra music: BUM-BUM-BUMMMMMMM! A zoom in on Stewie's face shows him shifting his
eyes back and forth. On the screen, we see various scientist-types racing around the ray,
working on its construction...)
STEWIE: When finished, it will be capable of taking out entire cities...no one will be
spared! And soon, I'll take over the Earth!
MURDOCH: And *I* will have control over *ALL* media! HA! I've already begun airing some
of our "fine" new shows! (Presses a button, and we see an image on the screen
emerge: various heavily-looped-and-repeated stock footage of various Fox stars/characters
running about, including of Maggie falling rapidly/repeatedly, Stewie standing and
shifting his eyes back and forth, and Bart laughing...the title of this "show"
reads: "The Bart and Maggie Baby Stewie Ally McBeal Big Fox-roonie Show")
STEWIE: Excellent! Between that, and your plans for a "Family Guy" channel,
our rule *will* be *TOTAL*! And those toons shall meet their *deaths*, if not
now....*SOON*! Oh, and I can't *wait* for that Tannen fellow to bring me *the Brain*
personally, so I can take care of that big-headed rat myself! I shall prove myself
smarter, superior, and more *clever* than he is in my *sleep*!
(Dramatic orchestra music plays, as we see the two villains laugh sinisterly....cut
away from their evil den, and return to the Warners' car, as it cruises along the highway
AXEL: (at the wheel) Hey, would someone tell Wakko to quit eating all that (bleep)in'
(Pan over to see that Wakkos sticking his head out the window, chomping away at
all the corn stalks they pass.)
YAKKO: Now, now, Axel, don't worry....everything's being taken care of---by the
Academy's charge account. Remember?
AXEL: (Flatly) Oh, yeah...besides, we're stopping at the next restaurant, remember? My
cell phone needs new batteries, and we've gotta call Sgt. Small to tell 'im how the
RADIO: ...and the citizens of the nations Windy City react with a blase attitude
towards the change of their fair citys name to *Griffinopolis*...
YAKKO: Aaaaaah, on second thought, better tail it there, Axel...
AXEL: Gotcha...soon as I get some more gas...
(They pull into the restaurant, which is attached to a motel and service station...a
sign reads "Cornhusker Inn...Eats/Gas/Lodging"...the car pulls up at the first
AXEL: (Yells out the window) YO, SERVICE GUY! HOW ABOUT SOME (BLEEP)IN' GAS?! (The
others stare at him) Hey, I never pump my own gas myself...I'm a *star*! (Staccato laugh)
DOT: (Flatly) *Right*...
NARRATOR: An attendant comes out to the car, as the others go inside the
restaurant...however, the attendant looks an awful lot like that devil in a non-blue
dress, Natasha Fatale!
NATASHA: (Wearing a straw hat and overalls) Fill 'er up, y'all?
AXEL: Yeah, and make it snappy!
NATASHA: No problem! (Her "assistants", resembling Moe and Boris and dressed
similarly, come out and begin waxing the car, changing the oil, etc.)
AXEL: Hey, what's all *this*?!
BORIS: Friendly small-town service, that's what! This isn't Amoco station/convenience
NARRATOR: But Axel fails to see that the villains have placed a bomb underneath the
transmission...a bomb rigged to blow up the entire car if it goes over 55 miles an hour!
AXEL: Thanks, bub... (the group drive off...)
BORIS: (To the camera, away from Axel's earshot) Yes, and with the first high-speed
chase they engage in, *BOOM*!
NARRATOR: Now come on, that's just a ripoff of "Speed"!
NATASHA: No it's not, dahlink....they go *over* 55 in movie, here, we obey speed limit!
NARRATOR: Oh....uh, I see. Very well, then... will Boris' plan succeed where countless
other attempts have failed? We'll find out in:
SPEED KILLS, or THE THIRD TIME'S THE HARM!
(Commercials with Elmer Fudd and Gossamer hawking Rogaine are seen...)
NARRATOR: As we cut back to the high stakes world of Las Vegas once more, back at the
Pharoahs Palace casinos roulette table, death is imminent for Roz and
Slappy...or is it?!
CLERK: (As the ball lands on a number) 35 Red...The house gets the money!
SLAPPY: For the love of Soupy Sales, we lost 20 dollars!
ROZ: Are you a cheapskate?
SLAPPY: Hey, Social Security's payin' jack-squat, and I blew some dough on one of these
gosh-awful games! C'mon, let's go to the slot machines. We'll have better luck there!
(Our heroes head towards the slots. The sinister Shadow-Ensconsed Villain under the
table is quite peeved now.)
VILLAIN: Blast that faulty dollar store magnet! (Realizes something) Holy crow, the
bomb's going off in a minute! How do I get rid of it?
(The villain glances towards the parking area, where a parking attendant is driving
Slappy and Roz's car into a several-story-tall parking garage.)
VILLAIN: That's it!
(As "99 Red Balloons" by Nena plays in the background, the villain runs to
the parking garage. The figure positions the explosive, along with several others in the
center of the parking garage. The figure runs out and hides in a sheltered spot.)
(A gigantic explosion levels the parking garage, and sends cars flying and flaming all
over Vegas. Cars get sent through buildings, and crash into slot machines. Quarters are
dispensed, and ravenous old ladies gather them up.)
ROZ: (Walking to the bathroom) What was that?!
SLAPPY: I don't know, but I have a feeling that we might die before this story is over.
That was just a warning.
ROZ: From the villains?
SLAPPY: From the stupid writers...
(Slappy glances at a TV positioned at the bar. A news reporter is talking about the
REPORTER: Reginald Thompkins here, and it looks as if somebody's trying to destroy
Vegas. The two lunatics primarily suspected by authorities are Slappy Squirrel, legendary
cartoon star and recent target of much derision, and Roz, comedienne, actress, and
bailiff. Authorities advise the public to take whatever measures necessary to destroy them
before they strike again. More information as it comes. This is Reginald Thompkins, and we
now return you to the movie "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The Eighth
(Reginald walks off camera.)
REGINALD: (To the cameraman) I refuse to believe any of this. Slappy was a cartoon hero
of mine when I was growing up, and Roz was a tremendous talent. I think it's all bull, and
I won't stand for it.
(Reginald runs out into the parking lot, jumps into his news van, and burns rubber to
get to the casino where Slappy and Roz are. He arrives as quickly as he left.)
REGINALD: (Running up to Roz and Slappy) Hello!
ROZ: Look, we didn't do anything, so just back off!
REGINALD: I'm not here to harm...I'm here to help! You and Slappy are wonderful people,
and I'm sorry I delivered that news. It was just reported to me by some anonymous person.
I'll tell my superiors to verify all information in the future. I have morals, and you
have a problem.
REGINALD: Look, I'll drive you out of town, and help you on your quest. I've been
following the news on all the lies being told about you. Just come with me, and I'll get
you out of here safely.
SLAPPY and ROZ: Can we trust you?
SLAPPY: Fine with me...especially since it looks as if our "disguise"
aint foolin this crowd after all... (Jerks her thumb back, to see that the
casino crowd isnt fooled by the guise of "Slappy Doo")
ROZ: (Nervously glances back) No kidding...let's go!
(They run to Reginalds van, and speed away, with an angry mob following
them...moments later, we cut to a stretch of highway outside of Las Vegas...we see a van
labelled "KVGS-TV Channel 11 Eyewitless News" speeding down the desert highway,
with Reginald at the wheel...however, Reggie sees a red convertible swerving across the
roadway, weaving into their lane...)
REGINALD: What in the name of Walter Cronkite?! That nut's going to crash into us!
(Reggie swerves, and narrowly avoids colliding with the car...panning over, we see the
people in said car is "Doonesbury"'s Uncle Duke (not under the influence of
*anything* other than his own insanity, for the sakes of keeping this thing vaguely
G-rated ;-) and his ever-respectful-and-devoted assistant, "Honey".)
DUKE: Holy crud...what the (bleep) was *that*?! That nut was way over on *our* side of
the road! And it looked like some flippin *squirrel*s in the back! Whats
goin on here?!
HONEY: (Speaking a lot like "Peanuts"s Marcie) I think that we just
made a brief fan fiction cameo, sir...along with a completely pointless reference to a
movie one of the writers watched recently...
DUKE: Aw, not *that* "Fear and Loathing In Las Whatever" flick again! (Bleep)
it, Honey, I'm sick and tired of everyone sayin' I look like...like...
HONEY: ...like *who*, Sir?
DUKE: (Annoyed) ...*Johnny Depp*. Lousy has-been actor... (Duke shakes his head, and
(Cutting away from this pointless comic strip character cameo and back to the van, we
see it move across the desert landscape...Slappy looks out the back window, at a
scenic-looking sunset, before turning around to address Reginald.)
SLAPPY: Hey, Reggie, how's about a pit stop somewheres? If I'm going to be travellin'
2,000 miles to meet up with some diaper-wearin' brat in Chicago, I'm going to need a few
walnut colas ta tide me over!
REGINALD: Yeah, yeah...(sighs) and on top of all this, theres all the stress I've
been under at my station. The station told me that if I don't score an interview from all
this "riot" buisness with one of the supposed "instigators", the
station plans on putting me on the most humiliating timeslot of them all!
SLAPPY: Which is...?
REG: Hosting those "Wacky World of Tex Avery" cartoons...
SLAPPY: *Oogh*...that *is* bad...well, for your sake, I guarantee that when we get to
Chicago, there'll be one *heck* of an interview...with *me*! Ya can call it...
"Portrait of a Squirrel Who Blew a Fox Exec Ta Kingdom Come"! Heh, heh...
ROZ: Either that, or you can interview that Axel Foley guy...that alone oughta make
that "amusing moments" bit you newsguys throw in at the end of the newscasts...
(As Reginald smiles at this prospect, the van continues on its merry, deserted path
towards the Chicago rendezvous...)
(Open the streets of Chicago early the next morning, the sun shining down upon the
city. The mice's car zooms down the street. They zip past Michigan Avenues glorious,
upscale Water Tower Mall...)
PINKY: Oooh, that looks like a nice place! Can we go shopping there, Brain?
BRAIN: (Scoffing.) If I let you loose in there, you'll wind up blowing twice the amount
of our hotel bill on a gold-tipped diaper pin at Marshall Fields...besides, given
the current hatred against all things "Animaniacs", I fear the "Water
Tower" might well be a sitting target for an angry mob...here, now, this looks like a
place where you can spend a more sensible amount of money on frivolous, unnecessary items!
(He pulls up in front of a dingy, run-down looking place, with a sign that reads
"Shicago Outlet Mall--Great Bargains!--Spiffy's White-Out World is now here!"
Brain jumps on the button that unlocks the doors.) Well, have fun! Remember to keep the
spending on a budget.
(Pinky & Billie nod, then eagerly pull the door open (with a bit of effort), and go
running towards the mall.)
BRAIN: Now, down to business. Murdoch must have some of his hired goons out here who
would lead me right to him...the question is, how to find them...
(Suddenly, a hand reaches into the car and pulls Brain out. We see that it's Biff
Tannen--the guy that was hired to capture the mice, in case you've forgotten. ;-))
BIFF: Sure, I'll lead you to him...like a horse to slaughter! (Laughs.)
BRAIN: Erm...I believe the saying is "like a horse to water"?
BIFF: Oh...really? Well, that doesn't sounds nearly as threatening...
BRAIN: Just who are you, anyhow?
BIFF: Never mind that...who are *YOU*?
BRAIN: You're capturing me for Murdoch, and you don't even know my name?
BIFF: Well, I lost the fax I got when I was run down by a car yesterday...but I spotted
you on the road this morning, and I recognized that big head from a mile away! Didn't you
have some friends, though?
BRAIN: Uh...no, no...no friends! I'm a loner...
BIFF: (Shrugging.) Well, you were the one that big-headed kid demanded I bring back
BRAIN: (Eyes widening.) Big-headed kid...?
BIFF: Yeah, Soupy or Stevie or something...real freak...looks kinda like you, actually.
BIFF: I'm sick of talking to you! Shut up and let's go. We'll take your car... (He
dumps Brain back inside, and then attempts to climb into the driver's seat, but finds it
rather difficult with Brain's complex setup.) Hey! How am I supposed to get into this
BRAIN: How about this: I'll drive, and you tell me the way to go?
BIFF: Well, er...I guess...
BRAIN: Good! Climb in the passenger's side and let's go... (Biff looks a bit confused,
but obediently climbs in.)
BIFF: I don't have a lot of experience with kidnapping...is this how kidnappings are
supposed to go?
BRAIN: (Grinning.) Oh, believe me...I've been kidnapped enough times to know what I'm
talking about... (He slams the gas and zooms off. Biff is wrenched backwards in his seat.)
BIFF: (Confusedly.) This always looked so easy in the movies...
(We fade in on Pinky & Billie in the mall. They're surrounded by stores such as
"William's Glass Menagerie," "Webby's Vest World," and "Lava Lamp
Land." The mice are on a stretch of wet floor, near a sign reading "Caution: Wet
Floor," with the message repeated in Spanish. They use the water to
"skate." Billie seems to have mastered the technique, and performs several fancy
moves. Pinky isn't having quite as much luck, and finds himself slipping and sliding.)
BILLIE: Hey, look, Pinky! A triple lutz! (She jumps up and spins around thrice.
However, before she can land, Pinky comes sliding by, out of control, and instinctively
grabs onto her, sending them both head-on into the janitor's bucket. The bucket tips and
spills all over the place. The two are now absolutely drenched, and their fur looks
downright ridiculous. They look up at each other and laugh and laugh. Finally, they calm
PINKY: So, um...what now?
BILLIE: Well, I guess we'd better dry off...um...oh, I know just the thing! (She grabs
Pinky's arm and drags him to a pizza place in the mall's excuse-for-a-food-court. The two
sneak past the proprietor and customers, and arrive at the back of the restaurant, and a
door labeled "Da John." Billie sneaks up through the vent in the door, and
beckons Pinky to follow. Once they're in, she climbs up on the sink, and manages to pull
herself up on top of one of those electric hand-drying blowing thingees.) I saw a human
use of these things once...
PINKY: What is it?
BILLIE: Wait and see... (She helps Pinky up too, and then she reaches down and hits the
button as hard as she can. She then jumps off and grabs onto the nozzle thing. Pinky
follows. They slide down and hang on right at the rim of it. They're pelted with warm air,
and hold on for their lives. They're also having a heckuva lot of fun, though.)
PINKY: (Shouting above the noise of the dryer.) Oooh, this is lots of fun!
Waaaa-haaaa-haaaaaaaaaa! (Pinky slips and Billie grabs his arm. The two wind up being
blown right into the wall, and fall to the floor, laughing hysterically.)
BILLIE: (Looking at Pinky's fur, which is now puffed up after being dried.) (Gasping
for air.) Hey...you look like Eggy that time he fell in the dryer!
PINKY: Oh, yeah...he couldn't do anything with his fur for a week! (The two laugh some
more, and then Pinky suddenly stops.) Say, I'm feeling a mite peckish...
BILLIE: Well, we're right here in the pizzeria...c'mon, Sgt. Small's treat! (They both
walk up to the counter.)
COUNTER DUDE: Whoa, what's up with you, Shorty? Haven't had your growth spurt? (Laughs
COUNTER DUDE: Oh, oh, I got it--you're from the Diminutive Republic! (Laughs even
BILLIE: (Ahem.) If we could--
COUNTER DUDE: Don't slouch, now...stand up straight and tall! (Laughing hysterically.)
BILLIE: As I was saying--we're here for the Burbank Police Academy. Now are we gonna
get a pizza or not?
COUNTER DUDE: Sure, sure...
BILLIE: That's better. Now, if you'll just charge it to the Academy...
COUNTER DUDE: Oh, I see, your money's a little...short? (More derisive laughter.)
Alrighty...where's your badge, "officer"?
BILLIE: (Annoyed.) Now, listen...do I look like I have a badge on me? That badge is
nearly the same size as me! I can't lug it around wherever I go... Just call Sgt. Small.
He'll vouch for us.
COUNTER DUDE: Oh, sure, sure...listen, I don't want no deadbeat dwarves here! Either
pay your money up front, or beat it!
BILLIE: (Angrily.) Aw...c'mon, Pinky... (She leads him off. Pinky looks a bit
COUNTER DUDE: (Chuckling to himself.) Hee hee..."a little short"...
PINKY: But I wanted pizza, Billie!
BILLIE: Don't worry, you'll get your pizza...follow me! (She runs around behind the
counter. The guy is just about to pick up a slice off the oven with his big-spatula-thing.
The mice quickly grab the slice and run off. The Dude feels around with the
big-spatula-thing, and when he can't find the pizza by touch, looks to find that it's
gone. He scratches his head perplexedly.)
(Cut to the mice, sitting in a hidden corner of the room, munching happily on the
pizza. Pinky is pulling all the cheese off and trying to eat it, and winds up getting
caught up in it.)
BILLIE: Oh, this is the most fun I've ever had in my life! You sure know how to show a
gal a good time...
PINKY: (Struggling with the cheese.) Thanks! So, um...what'll we do now?
BILLIE: Well, we could go shopping...does "Kal's Kaleidoscope Kingdom"
PINKY: Not as much as Alvin's Plastic Palace...but I can understand if you're not up to
all that excitement. Zort!
BILLIE: Oh, I don't mind...it's entirely up to you! (She grabs onto the cheese and
pulls Pinky out.) Say, there's a CD store...we could go in and listen to the sampler
headphones if you like!
(Cut to the interior of the store. Several unsavory types are gathered around the
"Pop" section; the rest of the store is pretty much empty, aside form a
bored-looking woman behind the counter. The two climb up onto a table, and begin looking
at the selections.)
BILLIE: We could listen to Fred Spinatra's "Songs for Cukoo Lovers"--.
PINKY: Oh! Oh! "It's Time for Regis!"
BILLIE: (Reading through the selections.) Somehow, Regis Philbin singing "Toot
Toot Tootsie" wasn't exactly what I had in mind...but, if you say so.
(Cut ahead...they've got the same set of headphones squeezed over both their heads.
They're singing along.)
PINKY & BILLIE: Swanee! Swanee! I'm comin' back to you, Swanee... (Billie smiles at
PINKY: Oh, I do hope Brain's having as much fun as we are...
BILLIE: Nah...Eggy doesn't know how to have fun. With him it's always business...
(We cut briefly to Brain, who's doing about 90 MPH.)
BRAIN: (Shouting above the wind.) Lovely day for a kidnapping, eh, Mr. Tannen? (Biff
doesn't hear Brain, as he's occupied leaning out the window, surrendering his breakfast to
the street below.)
(We fade back to the other two.)
BILLIE: He just doesn't know how to have fun...
NARRATOR: And as we fade from Pinky and Billies completely pointless and
story-padding shopping spree in the Windy City, we return once more to our storys
master villains, Murdoch and Stewie!
STEWIE: (Laughing) Oh, this is too *rich*! (Watches a TV newscast showing a group of
politicians vowing to not lend support to Axel's campaign for the House) That Axel
fellow's going to have a rougher time of running for public office than that Hillary
person! HA! And the rest of those animated idiot's careers are in the *landfill* by this
point! Soon, very soon---*VICTORY WILL BE MINE*!! (Dum-dum-DUUUMMMM!)
MURDOCH: Yes...but now, it's time to put the rest of this plan into action! I don't
want us to go the way of the rest of those so-called "villains" those Warners
faced! (Points to a list of several names they've faced: Wally Faust, Dudley Puppy, Dr.
Gene Burrows, Snowflake, Snowball, and M*ckey M*use)
STEWIE: Right, of course...this isn't that "Fastest Mice Alive" story, after
all...time for us to go "shopping"...
MURDOCH: Right you are...I'm already buying out TV stations in L.A. and Minneapolis,
but according to those villains we've sent, those heroes are en route to Chicago at this
minute! But if they *should* survive, they're in for a frightening, yet fantastic sight...
STEWIE: Yes, as the Windy City shall soon be known as---the *STEWIE CITY*!
(Dum-dum-duuuummmmm! Stewie does that "shifting his pupils left and right" bit)
And I've got plenty of tricks left up my sleeve *if* those imbecillic inkblots show
up...and a *special* one for the *Brain*! (Both villains laugh...)
NARRATOR: And as the two villains pick up the phone, we see a montage of businesses
contacted by the villainous pair!
(Cut to a "happy music"-filled sequence where we see various businessmen
dealing with hired thugs of Stewie's and Murdoch's, as they sell their businesses to the
villains for rock-bottom prices...we see a sign on the Chicago Sun-Times building changed
to read "Chicago Stewie-Times", with Roger Ebert being kicked out of his office
in favor of a Fox agent...we also see the Art Institute change its name (thanks to a large
"anonymous" cash donation) to the Griffin Institute (with a giant statue out
front of Stewie Griffin)...the Water Tower shopping mall is turned into the "Ally
McBeal" shopping mall, with giant signs of the Warners behind the prohibition symbol
a la the "Ghostbusters" logo posted around the facility...the Shedd Aquarium
displays a sign reading "Man Eating Shark Exhibit Today...Free Swimming Lessons!
Courtesy of Stewie Griffin, Your *New* Overlord"...Michigan Avenue's name is seen
changed to read "Murdoch Avenue"...Wrigley field's name is changed to
"Murdoch Field"...even the "Rock and Roll McDonald's" is changed
to read "Rock and Roll McGriffin's", with its decor changed to promote
kids meals with Fox-themed prizes.)
(Cut to a shot of Chicagos Mayor Daley, as he's talking to Murdoch on the phone.)
DALEY: You're saying if I don't comply, you won't donate *any* money to my next
campaign?! But I *need* that money! Dangit, Murdoch, you said you were going to be great
for local business!
MURDOCH: (On the phone) I *am*...by dominating the city's media, and soon the world's,
I'll be a *great* person for local, heh, heh, "competition"...just think: if you
do what I suggest, you'll get all the free political commercial air time you want! Not
that itll matter since youll be our *puppet* and all, but still...
DALEY: No sale...
STEWIE: (Taking the phone from Murdoch) Oh, blast it all! Now *see* here---if you don't
change the name, we'll be forced to *blow up* your city statue of your beloved
athlete/merchandising bonanza, Michael Jordan, with a *TESLA DEATH RAY*! (From the phone,
we hear the sounds of "dum-dum-duummmm" play at a tinny level)
DALEY: *WHAT*?! YOU *MADMAN*! (Sighs) It looks as if we have no choice...you win!
(Hangs up, and dials up his secretary) Mary, issue this executive order to
the..."press"...at once...though they're probably already well "aware"
of this already...I hereby order the name of Chicago to be changed to... *Griffinopolis*!
(Dramatic music plays...)
(Back at the lair, Stewie and Murdoch are ecstatic over all this...)
STEWIE: Excellent, *excellent*! Now, it's time to make my announcement to the public!
(Presses a few buttons, and a camera is pulled down in front of Stewie...)
(In the city, we see TV sets in a store window display Stewie's face...a crowd gathers
around the set, curious.)
STEWIE: Attention, denizens of Cook County and surrounding outlying areas! We have
*taken control* of this city, and have changed its name to "Griffinopolis"! You
*will* comply with my every demand, and be (bleep) grateful for the opportunity! Now,
then, as for those Warner Bros. characters you all despise, I am taking care of them
personally. Maintain loyalty to any and all Fox products, and you'll never see or worry
about those "immoral" miscreants again!
(A crowd outside the store watching this all cheer loudly, and begin shouting
"Stewie! Stewie! Fox! Fox!", and rush off to a just-newly-opened "Fox Super
Store" down the street (displaying a line of "Cops" action figures and a
"MAD TV" video collection in the window); a guy in a Jar Jar Binks suit stands
by the main door, welcoming all inside...))
(Pan to the outside of the city, as we see that workers are changing a sign reading
"Welcome to Chicago" to read "Welcome to Griffinopolis", with a
picture of Stewie's face on it....)
(Cut to the speeding-through-the-city Brain, with a still-slightly-nauseous Biff Tannen
in the car....Brain's on Michigan Avenue, but stops the car as soon as he sees something
to his horror...)
BRAIN: (At a newspaper stand nearby being restocked) "Chicago *Stewie*-Times
Welcomes New Owners, Name Change Of Fair City To---*GRIFFINOPOLIS*?!?" Good heavens,
things are taking a turn for the *worse*...
BIFF: Correction, chump...(Grabs Brain) *Now* they are! *HA*! (Gets out of the car, and
trys to hail a taxi) You aren't getting away from me now, butthead!
BRAIN: Please...anyone who could add two and two could outwit the likes of *you*...
BIFF: Oh, so ya like math, huh? Then add *this* up, chump: I'm capturing you...and
turnin' you in for a huge reward! *HA*!
(Biff finally hails a taxicab, and the taxi speeds off, carrying Biff to the location
of the villains' hideout...)
(We cut away from "Griffinopolis", and return once more to Minnesota, where
we see the heroes driving away from the gas station...)
NARRATOR: Well, when we last left our Minnesotan portion of the team, we found them in
a potentially explosive situation...one made "Badenov" by Boris himself!
BORIS: (Taking off his disguise) Beh-heh-heh! Hurry, Natasha...now, we follow them and
make them go over 55 miles per hour, and *KABOOM*! End of moose, end of squirrel, end of
NATASHA: Oh, Boris...you've got most deadly mind in all animated world!
BORIS: I try my best, poopsie...
(The villains climb into a van, and follow in pursuit...)
MOE: (At the wheel) I just got off da phone with that Stewie kid...he says if this plan
doens't work, he wants us to report to Chicago---er, "Griffinopolis", right away
to regroup and launch a new attack once those brats get there!
BORIS: Don't worry...nothing could possibly thwart plan now... (Moe speeds up, and the
villains begin yelling out of the van's window at the heroes car in front of
ROCKY: (Looking out the back window) Hokey smoke, *look*, guys! More angry people! I
wonder who *they* are?
BULLWINKLE: Um...Axel's rival campaign staff?
ROCKY: I don't think so...better speed it up a little, Axel...
AXEL: Sure thing!
NARRATOR: Axel punches the gas, and we see the speedometer slowly inch its way towards
the critical life-ending speed...51...52...53...oh, will those two loathsome spies
*finally* get what they've been longing for all these years?
VOICE: (From above the car) Don't *bet* on it!
YAKKO: Aaaaah, who said *that*?!
VOICE: (Off-screen) *I* did...stop the car!
(They do so...the villains' van pulls to a stop as well...all get out, and look up to
see that the voice belongs to none other than---)
ALL: *WONDER WOMAN*?!
NARRATOR: Yes, it's true, it *is* none other than the Amazon Princess herself, Wonder
(We see Wonder Woman's standing on the wing of what is presumably her invisible jet,
with golden lariat in tow...she jumps down to the ground. A snippet of the 70s
"Wonder Woman" TV show theme song plays in the background...)
WONDER WOMAN: Yes, it's *me*! I've come to help! I've been trying to stop the riots
occuring in Washington, D.C. as well, but with no success! Even that freakish,
blue-colored person in the red costume was able to do nothing...so, I propose a teamup: we
help each other stop this threat at its source!
DOT: (Ecstatic) Wow, a *female* superhero...glad to have you aboard...it'd be a nice
change...of...pace... (Trails off, as we see her siblings, noticing Wonder Woman's
physical attributes, are going beserk...Dots cheerfulness changes to a look of
YAKKO & WAKKO: *HELLOOOOOO, NURSE*! (They jump into WWs arms)
WONDER WOMAN: Great Hera! I'm no *nurse*...though I *have* done secretary work in the
YAKKO: Too bad...we were hoping you could teach us CPR, after that lifeguard we ran
into vanished... (Wiggles his eyebrows at the camera; Dot makes a gagging face...)
WONDER WOMAN: (Rolling her eyes) I don't think so...I've got to do something more
important right now...
DOT: (Flatly) *Throw up*?
WONDER WOMAN: No, *this*!
NARRATOR: And with great Amazonian strength, Wonder Woman lifts the front end of the
heroes' car off the ground single-handedly, and tears the bomb attached to the bottom of
the car off!
WONDER WOMAN: Someone attached a bomb to the bottom of your car! While stopping off at
that gas station for some wiper fluid for the invisible jet, I saw those attendants over
there doing some highly unauthorized-looking work! Thought I'd trail them for a little
NATASHA: Nice vork, Boris...what do we do now?
BORIS: What else can we do? *Run*!
(The villains leap back into their van, and drive right past Wonder Woman herself,
knocking the bomb from her hands and lodging itself in the rear bumper...the van speeds
up, but as it hits 55 miles per hour, a ground-shattering KABOOM! is felt...)
WONDER WOMAN: Hmph...so much for *that*...I suppose now, it's off to Chicago...or
"Griffinopolis", as I've had the misfortune of hearing it "renamed"...
AXEL: Yeah, and the sooner we get there, the sooner we can shut those (bleep)s down!
And clear our names so I can conduct my campaign more effectively!
WONDER WOMAN: Very well...let's go!
YAKKO: (Clinging to WWs leg) Can we ride with you? *Pleeease*?!?
WONDER WOMAN: (Frowning slightly) I don't think so...
WAKKO: Aw, *c'mon*! Pretty *Pleeeeeease*?!? (Makes a pouting face)
WONDER WOMAN: Oh, *fine*! But only if your *sister*'s with us to keep you under
control...or else I'll have to use my magic lariat on the two of you...
YAKKO: Yippee! (Wonder Woman grabs the three, and with a graceful leap, she hops back
into the hovering-overhead invisible jet...the heroes all take off, leaving the
still-smoldering-from-the-explosion villains behind...)
MOE: Aw, great! Now what do we do?
BORIS: Vhat else?! *Take the bus*...
NARRATOR: And as the villains take off for the nearest Greyhound bus station, we fade
away from this scene, and go to Chicago---er, "Griffinopolis", where we see that
Brain's still in the clutches of taxi cab-ensconsed Biff Tannen!
BIFF: D'ya know what I'm gonna do with all the money I'm getting for your bounty?
BRAIN: (Flatly, and ensconsed in Biffs fist) *No*, what?
BIFF: Buy a new swimmin' pool...and maybe one of those big-screen TV's...ooh, ooh! And
a minidish system! And maybe some Internet spam...er, "advertising" for my auto
BRAIN: (Flatly) I'd have never guessed....
BIFF: Yeah, cause I'm a lot more clever than *you* are, Einstein!
BRAIN: That's *Brain*...and you probably barely finished *high school*, while I have
the mental powers of a *score* of geniuses in my cranium!
BIFF: (Barely comprehending what Brain said) Oh, yeah? Well, Mr. Smartypants, I'll have
you know that I graduated *next to* last in my class! (Whips out a copy of his Hill Valley
High School diploma, class of 1956)
BRAIN: I see that 1950's educational standards rewarded you *well*...ever hear of
BIFF: Ha! Who needs that?! That's for chumps! I had *better* things ta do with *my*
BRAIN: (Rolling his eyes) As nearly a half-century of auto detailing probably proved...
BIFF: Hey! Shut up! Ive gotta get you back to headquarters...um...er...
BRAIN: Whats wrong? (Slightly tauntingly) Forget where your oh-so-secret
headquarters is? (Realizes that Biff actually *has* forgotten, and looks annoyed) Let me
BIFF: Hey, dont sweat it, Ill get us there...uh, lessee...I think it was
near a street with a lamppost on the corner...er, or somethin...um...
BRAIN: (Thinking) Hmph...its obvious I cant rely on Biff to take me to
Stewies lair...I suppose the proverbial plan "B" will have to suffice...
(to Biff) Well, Mr. Tannen, besides geography, Ill wager to guess you've not learned
about the natural defense features of the common field mouse in your school studies!
BIFF: Uh, *what* defense features?!
BRAIN: Oh, like *this*... (Bites down on Biff's hand, causing him to yelp, shaking his
hand and freeing Brain...Brain then hops out of the cab's half-rolled-down window, and
lands in a small puddle of water...)
BRAIN: Not the most intellecutally-derived escape, but I do have to thank my pre-lab
woodland days for *that* one...now, to get back on the trail of that infantile Stewie and
his ruthless Australian cohort Murdoch...and keeping a step ahead of that ruffian Biff
Tannen! (Shakes his head) "Griffinopolis"... (Brain shudders at this, and
scurries off...meanwhile, back in the cab, we see Biff is speaking to Stewie on a cell
STEWIE: (On the phone) You *dunderhead*! The Brain's the most important person to
thwart out of all those nimcompoops! Very well...report back to headquarters at once! I'll
give you something I obtained from Mr. Badenov that'll help you capture that rat once and
for all...something he calls---*GOOF GAS*! (Dum-dum-duuummmmm!)
BIFF: Really? Then I'll get my reward?! No problem! (Hangs up) Keep goin, driver
guy! That new TVs as good as *mine*! HA!
(Pull back from the speeding cab, to an aerial shot of Griffinopolis (nee
Chicago)...then cut to a shot of Brain moving down the street, wearing a pair of
sunglasses to avoid detection by angry mobs...he's speaking into a mouse-sized cell phone
to Billie and Pinky...)
BILLIE: (On the phone) So what's our next move, Eggy?
BRAIN: To be honest, I'm at a loss. We can't even be sure that capitose suckling is
quartered in the City of the Big Shoulders. Murdoch and Stewie may well be on the beach in
Acupulco, sunning themselves and laughing at us.
PINKY: (Speaking over Billie's shoulder into the phone) POIT! It's a darn pity we don't
have, like, a magic crystal globe that can use cosmic rays to tell us (in spooky voice)
all secrets of the universe.(giggles)
BRAIN: Honest to Chuck Jones, Pinky, I swear your brains must be made out of--
(brightens) Yes! That's the answer! Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: (On the phone) Yeah, I guess so--but Cheech and Chong haven't worked together in
BRAIN: No, you imbecile--listen. I'll go to the Chicago public library and log onto the
Internet. I'll perform a people search. If either of these weasels has bought a house,
gotten married, or even owns a dog anywhere in this state, it'll all be a matter of public
record. There's bound to be a paper trail to sniff out. Even an old phone number could be
gold. Any questions?
PINKY: (On the phone) One. Why do those big manly football players wear girly black
mascara under their eyes?
BILLIE: (On the phone) I've always wondered that myself, now that you mention it.
BRAIN (exasperately digs at his eyes with thumb and forefinger): I feel an urge to try
out some of Mr. Foley's more colorful words. Anyway, I'll speak to you later...and I
suggest you be careful on your sightseeing tour...with those cretins having bought out
half the town, we don't know what to expect next! I'll try to call you later, and also the
rest of our cohorts to see if they've arrived in the former "Windy City" yet...
(Hangs up, and races off down the street...)
(Cutting to Billie and Pinky, they hang up as well...)
BILLIE: Things are gettin' pretty hairy around here, Pinks...with that brat Stewie
buyin' more stuff than *we* have!
(Pull back to see they're standing in front of a U-Haul center next to the outlet
mall...one of the U-Haul trailers is loaded with plastic trinkets, various scarves, tomato
slicer thingamabobs, etc.)
PINKY: Oooh, that'd explain why all the stations in that electronics store were playing
Fox Kids' stuff...and all those Jar Jar dolls at that just-opened "Fox Super
BILLIE: C'mon...let's go meet Brain at the library, and then meet the rest of the gang
at the Rock and Roll...(Cringes) *McGriffin's*... we'll come back for the U-Haul
later! (The two mice exit...)
NARRATOR: And as we see the two mice scurry off towards the city formerly known as
Chicagos main library brnach, we return once more to our preschool mastermind behind
this whole scheme, who appears to be having second thoughts about his most recent orders!
STEWIE: Hmm...wait...what the bloody *deuce* am I *doing*?! *Why* should I trust
something of as great importance as this to that Tannen fellow?! Especially after he
failed me in his mission! I think I should leave this in hands that belong to an agent
whos actually *competent*!
MURDOCH: Good idea, Stewie...
STEWIE: Why, thank you, Rupert! (Picks up the phone, and dials up Biff; Biff answers)
Mr. Tannen? Mr. Griffin here. Disregard last message. I think in light of your recent
failures, I'll put the mission in the hands of a more competent being--*LIKE A TRAINED
MONKEY*! Report back here at once for a *new* assignment! (Slams phone down, picks up
reciever, dials another number) Fortunately, gracias to this unwashed ape and his
eavesdropping on Brain's conversation, I have an idea where he's headed. And gracias to
Murdoch, my operatives are everyplace.
(Chicago Public Library, interior. Pan to desk. A phone rings, and a lady's hand picks
it up. It's DR. PHRANKENSTEIN from the A! short "Phranken-Runt". We see her pet
rat SQUEAK scurry through the frame.)
DR. P. (in Madeline Kahn voice from "Blazing Saddles"): Vilkommen. Bienvenue.
STEWIE: (On phone) Am I addressing the good Dr. Phrankenstein?
DR. P.: (Back in her normal voice) Why, Mr. Gwiffen, I'm so happy to hear fwom you. Do
you wish to check out another book from our Dr. Seuss collection? Perhaps some Mauwice
STEWIE: Hmmm...well, I *have* been meaning to read Suess's captivating account of
Bartholomew Cubbins--but not today. Did you recieve the package Mr. Murdoch sent you
several days ago?
DR. P.: Why, yes. (holds Goof Gas gun aloft) What a pwetty little toy gun it is.
STEWIE: Grr! It is not, a toy, you insipid little virago! It's a weapon that causes its
victim to experience disorientation by impairing cerebral functions, similar to a
barbiturate but without somnambulent effects!
DR. P.: You mean it makes you stupid?
STEWIE (tersely): Are you sure you weren't accidentally exposed to it's effects?
(sighs) No, I'm sorry. At any rate, a short man with a large head will come into the
library. He may be looking to rendezvous with his associates there, and they are dangerous
DR. P.: Wow! Danny Devito's in the Windy City and he's coming hewe?
STEWIE: No...though I don't like him either. I'll make a note about him too. (Scribbles
on doodle pad with red crayon) Now when you see this man, *spray him*. Leave the phone off
the hook so I can hear every detail. Understand?
DR. P. Absowutewy, Mr. Gwiffen. Woger-dodger. (to MR. SQUEAK, who is at the
photocopier) Squeak! Get over here! We have work to do! (breaks into song)
We've work to do-ooo-oo-o,
Some dirty business, me and you!
A warge-headed man plans a naughty wendezvous,
But we'll be ready for him--yes, we two!
(She is instantly hushed by the irate library patrons.)
Dr. P. (embarrassed grin, whispers): Sowwy.
(Cut to exterior. BRAIN sees the Chicago Public Library (with a paper sign with the
word "Griffinopolis" written on it taped over the word "Chicago") in
the distance and runs toward it. He bounds up the steps with superhuman--or is it
superrodent?--energy, pauses to catch his breath, and enters the building. Cut to
interior, where he addresses the desk clerk, alias DR. PHRANKENSTEIN, whos wearing a
lame disguise---a MARILYN MONROE mask.)
BRAIN: Pardon me, madame, but I'd like to use the Internet, please.
DR. P.: Absowutely. You must sign in first. Wet me get you a pen. (Cut to behind the
desk, where DR. P. removes the caps from several Goof Gas gun bullets and, holding her
breath, fills an empty pen with the liquid inside. She caps the pen and passes it to MR.
SQUEAK, who hands it to BRAIN along with the sign-in sheet.)
BRAIN: Thank you--ah--friend. (with a barely-disguised grimace of disgust, she attempts
to write his name, but the pen doesn't work.) Pardon me, madame, but the pen--
DR. P. (a touch too hastily): Cwick it twice! Yes! that activates the--uh--thing!
BRAIN (eyebrow raised) I see. Gracias. (Clicks it twice--and is sprayed. Instantly he
turns to a slavering, snaggletoothed moron. In a Pete Puma voice rather than normal Orson
Welles voice) D-uhh, what happened! My head feels funny! (goofy laugh)
DR. P.: Perhaps your bwood sugar is wow. Would you wike something to eat? (proffers
bowl of candy) Caramel wumps, perhaps?
BRAIN: Duh, yeah! I likes caramels!
DR. P.: And how many wumps would you like?
BRAIN: Gimme a lot of lumps! A who-ooo-oo-ole lotta lumps! (goofy laugh)
DR. P.: (Removing her mask) Gwad to obwige! (SQUEAK raises a ball-peen hammer over
STEWIE: (on phone) No! Stop! If you're doing that old bit from "Rabbit's
Kin", you'll be sorry!
(Cut to STEWIE, notably irate)
STEWIE: Aside from "goof gas" lasting only 48 hours, a trauma to the frontal
lobe can also counteract the effect of the gas by stimulating the neurons to affect a
release of endorphins! (Darts eyes back and forth) (bleep)! I hope no goody-goodies
overheard that! The last thing I need is to inadvertantly reveal the method by which my
plan can be undone! Oh, (bleep) fate that I am hamstrung by ancient cliches! (Slams phone
down and sulks)
(PINKY and BILLIE enter the library about then. DR. PHRANKENSTEIN and SQUEAK slip out
through a door in the rear marked "Archives--no unauthorized persons
allowed"...a short time later, we see that Dr. Ps on the phone with Stewie)
STEWIE: (In his lair) Hmm...while I preferred you to have brought me the Brain in
person to ensure he doesnt "recover" in time to provide any assistance to
those goody-goodies, I suppose he wont be of any help to those paint-and-ink
partners of his anytime soon...that is, soon enough for me to do them all *in* with a few
"surprises"! HA! Soon, theyll discover that the former Windy City is
also---the *DEADLY CITY*! (Dum-dum-duummmmmm....)
(Cut back to the interior of the library...)
BILLIE: Sorry we're late, Eggy, but you had the car, so we hitched a ride in the
sidecar of a Chicago rookie cop's motorcycle, and I-- (sees BRAIN's condition) Oh, by Paul
Dini's beard! Pinky! Eggy's been *drugged*!
PINKY (gasps): POIT! No! He knows not to touch the stuff! This isn't one of those
preachy morality show scripts, is it? Besides, there werent *really* any drugs in
the *last* "Warner Academy" story-thingy, remember?
BILLIE: No way, Pinks...he didn't do it to himself! Somebody must have put something in
his food or drink! Those bums slipped him a M*ckey!
PINKY: No! He'd never do that! Hs contract with Warner Brothers means the world to him!
And besides, we got rid of M*ckey M*use in the *last* story, too! Oh, it was fun, with the
Warners dropping all those anvils and Sams Clubs and Puff Daddy and---
BILLIE: No, no--I mean, somebody *other* than that bowling ball-eared mouse did this!
Most likely, a certain infant were after... (pats BRAIN's hand) Eggy! Can you hear
me! Do you know who I am?
BRAIN: Duhh, yeah, sure I do! You're that little blonde girl from "Saturday Night
Live"! I watch you all the time! (goofy laugh)
PINKY: TROZ! It's worse than I thought! He finds "Saturday Night Live" funny!
(bawls) Oh, Brain! Brain! Brain! Don't go towards the light! Come back to me, Sheba!
BILLIE: (Sulkily, to self): I don't sound nothing like that Victoria Jackson woman.
She's a bimbo. (comes back to self) C'mon, Pinky. We gotta figure out what it is those
losers gave Eggy! (Each mouse takes an arm and drags BRAIN, drooling and babbling, toward
PINKY: (Eyeing Dr. Ps candy bowl) Um--can I go back a sec for a caramel? I love
those things! NARF! (Begins pouting again) Oh, who can think about gooey, yummy treats
when that mean baby *hurt* Brain! (Frowns) When we see him, Im going to give him a
piece of my *mind*!
BILLIE: (Frowning) You and me *both*, Pinks...
PINKY: Um...maybe that gunlike object has somethin to do with it? (Points to
something behind Billie)
BILLIE: *What* gunlike object? (Turns around, and sees that Pinky's pointing towards
the "goof gas" gun) *PINKY*! I know what that is! Remember that time Boris
sprayed Rocky with some gas on the old "Bullwinkle" Show?
PINKY: Oh, yes, I *loved* that one! He sprayed him with---*gasp*---
PINKY & BILLIE: (In Unison) *GOOF GAS*!
PINKY: Egad, now what'll we do?! It took 48 hours on that episode for the gas stuff to
wear off! Stewie might have bought out various outlying suburbs of Chicago by then! POIT!
BILLIE: Don't worry, Pinks, I'll think of somethin'...in the meanwhile, we'll have to
try to get Eggy to fight the effects of this stuff! C'mon, Egghead! It's us, your friends!
We know youre in there!
BRAIN: (Dazed) Dah...Moe? Larry? Where's the cheese?!
BILLIE: (Sighs) We'll have to keep trying...and hope that somewhere in there, our
Egghead's still inside! In the meantime, call the rest of the guys, Pinky, and tell 'em
we'll be at the Rock and Roll "McGriffins" like we planned for our
(The mice walk off, dragging the goof gas gun and the dazed-and-extremely-confused
Brain with them...)
NARRATOR: Well, the heroes will finally all have their rendezvous in the
once-Windy-and-now-Stewie City after all...will Brain be pulled out of his addled mental
state in time to help his comrades? We'll find out in:
THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T TRY, or HONEY, I SHRUNK THE NEURONS!
(Commercials play, this batch featuring Daffy promoting meat tenderizer while lying in
a broiling pan...he looks quite upset...)
(We return once more to the "Griffinopolis" Public Library, where we see that
Biff's stopped off to ask for directions to Stewie's hideout from Dr. Phrankenstein...)
BIFF: Can't believe that big-headed kid would ask *you* to give that guy the goof gas
stuff! What was he thinkin'?! I could've done it myself and got me a new big-screen TV!
DR. P: *Pwease*...someone who looks like they haven't stepped foot in a library since
the Eisenhower administwation?!
BIFF: It hasn't been *that* long...more like since JFK, actually...I needed to find a
trash can to toss my empty soda bottle back in 62, and...
STEWIES VOICE: (From out of nowhere) ENOUGH OF THIS! BLAST! The last thing I need
is for my Agents of Destruction fighting like---like---
BIFF: Babies?! (Biff and Dr. P snicker)
STEWIE: (V.O., sarcastically) Yes, exactly...
BIFF: Really? Hey, I got it *right*! *Cool*!
STEWIE: (V.O.) SHUT UP! Now see here...the first thing I want you to do is to turn
BIFF: Turn around? What the heck for--?! (They do so, and find standing behind them is
Stewie himself, with Boris, Natasha, and Moe with him...Biff and Dr. P. scream)
DR. P: YAAAAAAH! How long have you been standin' there?!?
STEWIE: Long enough, sister...though I must apologize for pulling that insipid
"right behind them" trickery of those asinine rejects from a pet shop. I came
here to survey the wonders of my glorious new domain of Griffinopolis...and because I
needed to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. I'm not one of those bloody insipid
(Speaks sarcastically) "Shadow Ensconsed Villains" those animated cretins always
go up against, for heaven's sake...
BIFF: Um...OK. So, uh...what now?
STEWIE: *Now*, we lay out a trap for those hapless heroes at the biggest festival
currently going on in this fair city---the *TASTE OF CHICAGO*! (Dum-dum-duummmm...)
BORIS: Um, you mean "Griffinopolis", right?
STEWIE: Well, in this case, it can keep its former name..."Taste of
Griffinopolis" didn't fit into a 10-second TV soundbite as well as I thought...you
know, once I take over the world, I really must hire a few copywriters...but enough of
that for now! Come, let us depart...those losers are going to just *love* the special
"surprise" I have in store for them! (Stewie, and the rest of the villains,
NARRATOR: As we fade from this wretched scene, we go back to the now-fully-regrouped
heroes, who're ensconsed inside the "Rock and Roll McGriffins" and
are admiring the newly-named "M*ckey D"s with looks of shock!
(Cut to the inside, where we see the whole eatery's decked out in Fox merchandise
instead of rock music memorabilia...we see the heroes are looking around in disgust, and
tending to the still-dazed-and-confused Brain...)
SLAPPY: (Shocked) Holy son of George Bush Senior....I didn't think M*ckey D's could get
any *worse*, but those losers found a *way*...
AXEL: Yeah...I mean, what the (bleep)'s the deal with offering "Stewie Griffin
Happy Meals" prizes like *this* to *KIDS*?! (Holds up a Stewie Griffin doll, and
pulls a string, which says "(bleep) you all!")
PINKY: Or coupons for $5 off Saban animation videos?!
BILLIE: Or only hanging pictures from the worst recent Simpsons episodes on all the
walls?! (Makes a face at a "Grimey" photo, and of Homer yelling at someone
senselessly from "Trash of the Titans")
PINKY: Or making the local TV stations only play recent syndicated Simpsons reruns? Oh
no, wait, no, they do that on their own already, POIT!
DOT: Guys, this must *end*...I mean, being stuck in traffic on the way in here was bad
enough, but for it to be on the "Ally McBeal" Expressway instead of the
"Eisenhower Expressway"?! *Ugh*...I'm not even gonna get into what that little
monster did to the "Water Tower" shopping mall...
BILLIE: I agree, Dot, but first, we've gotta get Eggy's head back! (To R&B) So, you
guys don't have any idea how to fix this?
ROCKY: I got sprayed with that stuff once, but it wore off after about 2 days...I don't
know what else to tell you...
BRAIN: (Staring at the TV) HA! "Skinner's not the real Skinner"...that's
rilly funny, d00d!
PINKY: Egad, he's starting to talk like a teenaged Internet chat room *user*! (Panicky)
We've got to get him back to *NORMAL*!
BULLWINKLE: Oh, wait, now I remember...I tried to get Rocky to remember I'm his best
buddy...y'know, all the old good times we had, and stuff...
BILLIE: Did it work?
BULLWINKLE: Um...no. But it was worth a shot!
BILLIE: (Sighs) Well, I suppose thats all we can hope for at this point... (To
Brain) Listen to me! It's me, *Billie*!
WONDER WOMAN: Hmm...perhaps my lasso might be of assistance...stand back! (WW takes off
her glowing magic lasso, places one end in Billie's hand, and wraps the other around
Brain) There! Now, perhaps your concentrated advanced brainpower combined with the lasso's
mystical effects will be capable of overpowering that gas effects!
BILLIE: (Sighs) Its worth a try... (To Brain) Listen to me: your name is the
*Brain*...you live in ACME Labs in New York City...and *Pinky* is your best *friend*...
(We cut to the inside of Brain's head...we see Brain's head floating about a myriad of
distorted colors, shapes, and equations, looking confused)
INSIDE BRAIN'S HEAD: That...voice....it sounds...familiar....but who?
PINKY: (Grabbing onto the rope) BRAIN! It's me, PINKY! You know, the one who you liked
to bop on the head whenever your great big head got really cranky and overworked from
thinking all the time, NARF!
INSIDE BRAIN'S HEAD: "NARF"....that sounds....familiar...and...idiotic...it
makes me want...to...to... (the music builds to a crescendo)
(Cutting back to the outside of Brain's mind, we see that he struggles to make one of
his hands into a fist, and slowly raise it into the air...it comes down on top of Pinky's
head, making a hollow sound. Pinky giggles, and gets up)
PINKY: BRAIN! Are you...are you all right?!?
BRAIN: Why...*YES*! (Raises his fists into the air, then removes the lasso) I'm back to
normal! But how did I wind up here? The last thing I recall is writing my name on an
Internet signup slip...
NARRATOR: Well, we know what happened, so let's cut to a few minutes later, as we see,
post-explanation-to-Brain, the heroes exiting the "restaurant"...
BRAIN: Those cretins are *somewhere* in this city, I just know it! So, we'll have to go
look all over the city for them...Rocky, I want you and Wonder Woman to search over the
entire city for anything extraordinarily unusual...the rest of us will set off to explore
on our own...
WAKKO: Oooh! Ooh! Can we go to the Taste of Chicago?! Huh?!
BRAIN: Very well...I suspect the cuisine *here* at "McGriffin's" is
probably even *worse* than it normally would be, anyway, by mere association with those
weasels...come, let's be off!
(We see Wonder Woman jump into her invisible jet, and take off into the air...we also
see Rocky being held like a football by Bullwinkle...)
BULLWINKLE: Ready, Rock!
ROCKY: Then alley---
NARRATOR: And with mighty moose strength, Bullwinkle hurls Rocky into the air...faster
and faster he goes, zooming past the John Hancock center and the Sears Tower with the most
(Bullwinkle joins the heroes in their cars, and they all take off for the Taste, by the
waterfront, which we immediately cut to.)
NARRATOR: The Taste of Chicago, one of the biggest events to occur each summer in the
"Chicagoland" metropolitan area! Yes, annually, block after city block of
barbecued ribs, elephant ears, and other delicious goodies can be had by eager tourists
and locals alike!
(We cut to the heroes walking down the main way, all of whom are wearing
sunglasses...Wakko has a huge pile of barbecued ribs, barbecued hot dogs, cotton candy,
and other assorted junk food in his arms, piled 10 feet high...he tosses the whole thing
in the air, then opens his mouth wide, and swallows everything in one bite. He then burps,
saying "Excuse me" afterwards...his sibs roll their eyes...)
YAKKO: C'mon, guys...I want some elephant ears!
DOT: I want to get some bumper stickers from a local radio station that claim
theyre the best station anywhere despite having the exact same lineup as the
stations back home!
WAKKO: I want some barbecued...uh...*everything*!
PINKY: Oooh, I think they sell those a few blocks down, *NARF*!
(The sibs race off...Brain yells "wait!", but it's too late...)
BRAIN: Blasted kids! At least they're wearing those sunglasses of theirs...
AXEL: Yeah, yeah...anyway, we've gotta flush out that little (bleep)in' brat and his
Australian boss ...*and* save my political career! We don't have time for any of this
BRAIN: Indeed...plus, I have a feeling that those scumbags are lurking around this
festival *somewhere*...let's just hope that if it's so, we get the jump on them *first*...
(The group of heroes, sans the Warners, walk along the festival grounds...they walk
past a radio station's booth, where the two main DJ's (both dressed in sunglasses and
sweatsuits with gold chains around their necks, and have on backwards baseball caps) stand
in front of a sign reading "WETS: The Omnipotent Voice of Griffinopolis"...one
of the DJ's calls out to the group.)
DJ #1: (With a pseudo-Russian accent) Hey, kids! What's happening? Eh? Allow me to
introduce myself.... "M.C. Sledgehammer", the, uh, hippest DJ around! This is
my, er, "main man", uh, "Queen Moesha"!
BRAIN: (Annoyed) *Charmed*...now if you'll excuse us, we've got more important things
DJ #1: Aw, c'mon! Stay awhile...we won't even ask you what your favorite radio station
is or make you sing lame ad jingle!
PINKY: Aw, *pleease*, Brain?! Can we, huh, huh?! *NARF*!
BRAIN: Perhaps...but those DJ's look rather familiar...and there's something about
those call letters that's suspicious...
BULLWINKLE: Yeah, you sure we havne't seen you fellows before?!
DJ #2: (with a feminine mock-Russian accent) Of course not, uh, "dawg"
(Suddenly, the Warners run past the group, and stop, as they see the female DJ...the
Warner males begin to go into their "hello, Nurse!" hysterics, while Dot merely
DOT: (to "Queen Moesha") Tell me, do boys *ever* mature?
DJ #2: (Trying to sound hip) I wouldn't know, uh, "girlfriend"...
WAKKO: (Jumping into DJ #2's arms) Tell me, do you happen to be related to a certain
lifeguard we once knew?
YAKKO: (Also jumping into her arms) Tell *me*...are you doing anything tonight?!
(Wiggles his eyebrows at her)
DJ #1: OK, enough chit-chat...our first contest is called..."Survivor"! Based
on very popular TV program! Just go through that gate, and we begin contest on other side
BULLWINKLE: I just hope it doesnt involve roastin our mousey friends on a
stick.... (Brain shoots a look at the moose)
PINKY: Oh, boy oh boy oh boy! WAHAHAHA! (Grabs Billie's arm, and they race off...Axel,
Bullwinkle, Brain, Reggie, Roz, Slappy, and the Warners, reluctantly follow...)
(Cut to the other side of the fence...we see the group standing in the middle of an
BRAIN: There's nothing here! Hmm...it's either a lame radio station promo prank, or
(The gate slams behind the group, and sounds of locks being put on are heard)
BRAIN: (Flatly) ...*trap*.
DOT: (Flatly) Great...I suppose this means what I think it means is coming up...another
lame voiceover non-appearance by the main villains while they hide in shadows, followed by
a pointless ninja-thug fight scene...
VOICE: *WRONG*! (Dropping down from a tree branch in front of the group is none other
than Stewie Griffin himself...)
STEWIE: In the *flesh*...but *you* won't be for long! HA! Oh, my, all of you do have a
bit of a problem, don't you? Between those pesky militia allegations, accusations of money
laundering and that little Warner-revenge business, eh? (Laughs)
ROZ: (Angry) That was all a bunch of lies, and you *know* it! C'mon, guys...let's get
'em right here!
SLAPPY: (Angrily) *Glad* to... (the Warners whip out mallets, and Slappy whips out some
dynamite...all begin moving in on Stewie...)
STEWIE: I don't think so...I have something better in store than me being pummelled to
death by you losers...*Rupert*?
RUPERT: (Also leaping down from a tree branch, but landing less gracefully than his
partner) *OOF*! Lousy tree...shouldnt be trying some move like this at my age...
(Dusts himself off)
SLAPPY: (Angrily) Yeah, no kiddin'...usin recycled stock footage like you did can
be *so* risky to yer *health*, jack! (The group continues to move in...)
STEWIE: (Mock-scolding) Uh-uh-*uhhh*...just see what Stewie Griffin, ruler of
Griffinopolis, has in store for the likes of all of *you*!
YAKKO: Lemme guess...*ninja-thugs*? Oooh, we're *so* scared...
STEWIE: *Wrong*, Fido...say hello to my means of creating bad press for you bunch of
has-beens... (Pulls out a remote control-like device, and presses a button...a whole troop
of figures materializes in front of the group...figures that look just like the Heroes,
STEWIE: Say hello to my... *RECYCLED STOCK FOOTAGE CHARACTERS*!
(Dum-dum-dummm....Stewie shifts his pupils back and forth) Thanks to the miracle of
holographic imaging, some scissors and paste, and your old episodes and fanfics, I was
able to piece these pseudo-characters together for that "interview"! They're
programmed with a multitude of your best lines, catchphrases, and running gags, and
they'll do my *bidding*! Such as, oh, I dunno... *DESTROYING YOU OBNOXIOUS CRETINS*!
(Presses another button on the remote control device, and the stock footage troops jerkily
move in on the real heroes...)
YAKKO: (Shocked) *Recycled stock footage*...?
DOT: (Shocked) Attacking...*us*?!?
BRAIN: (Angrily) This...is...*SICK*! You're *worse* than Snowball was on a *bad* day,
you atrocious *brat*! When we lay our hands on you...
STEWIE: Not likely...the only thing you'll be laying hands on will be...your *HALOS*!
I'll watch your untimely demise from afar...come along, Rupert! (Stewie presses a button
on his remote device, and a rope instantly drops down, which the villains grab onto;
theyre hoisted out of the scene...)
NARRATOR: This is sickening, indeed! The heroes forced to wage battle against
PINKY: (Frightened) Um, Brain...normally, I'd think our being in two places at once is
funny, or ask if these are our alternate universe counterparts, but *not* right now!
BRAIN: (Angrily) *Indeed*....(to the stock footage) Time to clean up this artistic
"YAKKO": (Recycled from the original WA) My friend, you need something to
calm you... (An huge anvil falls on the real Brain, smashing him flat) That oughta do it.
Don't you feel much better now?
BRAIN: (Moaning) To coin the phrase, "ouch"...
YAKKO: (Angrily) You can't rip off *our* best gags to hurt Brain like that! C'mon,
"YAKKO": (Recycled from a past fanfic) Aaaaah, I don't think so...Wakko?
"WAKKO": (Recycled footage of Wakko smashing something with a giant mallet,
in this case, the "real" Warners...)
YAKKO: (Flat) What Brain said....ooogh....
SLAPPY: (To her doppelganger) That's it! I'm endin' this nonsense right here! (Whips
"SLAPPY": (jerkily moving/speaking, to the real Slappy) Eh, stuff it, ya
putz... (Hands the real Slappy a bomb...Slappy calmly tries to extinguish the fuse, but it
doesn't go out...the bomb explodes, smoldering Slappy...)
SLAPPY: Lousy...freakin'...*brat*...gonna...*PAY*! (Faints)
AXEL: (To "Axel", "Roz", and "Reg") HEY! Thats *my*
curse words, ya sliced-and-diced (bleep)! Lousy brat! No way you're ruinin' my (bleep)in'
life and rep with these (bleep) ripoffs of us!
"AXEL": (Recycled from a past fanfic) (Bleep) you! (Recycled footage of Axel
from O&FW picks up the "real" Axel, and body-slams him into a wall...)
(The Heroes all regroup, though still a bit in pain from the stock footage character
YAKKO: OK, guys...these stock footage ripoffs of us have all our best moves programmed
into em...so, any ideas how to stop 'em?!
DOT: We could give them all makeovers...
WAKKO: Uh---two places at once?!
BRAIN: (Annoyed) I *dont* want to hear any more of that infernal---wait...if
these doppelgangers have *all* of our trademark gimmicks, then that means... (Looks
frightened) oh, no...oh, *NO*! (Turns around, and looks at the stock footage characters;
yelling and pointing) EVERYONE, LOOK OUT!
(The rest turn around, and see that there's (recycled from the first WA story) the
"Warners" standing next to ropes that appeared from nowhere...)
BRAIN: (Frightened) RUN!! (The heroes try to do so, but find they arent getting
anywhere; their feet are slipping on axle grease that's suddenly appeared from out of
nowhere...pan over to see that "Slappy"'s holding a can of Acme brand axle
grease, the whole bit recycled footage from Slappys Halloween episode)
"WAKKO": (recycled from WA) Are we gonna drop an anvil...?
"YAKKO": (Also recycled from WA) Yes, along with a few surprises!
(The heroes all scream.)
(The "Warners" pull their ropes (recycled from Radio Free
Warners)...instantly, anvils start raining down on the heroes, followed in rapid
progression by oil tankers, the remains of the Titanic, bombs, a Sam's Club, and a car
with Puff Daddy and his entourage in it (after which an anvil drops on Puff's car), all
recycled from the original WA...)
"SLAPPY": (Recycled from the original WA) And now, the coup de grace...
(Recycled footage of her pulling a rope)
(A 20 ton payload of dynamite (recycled from WA) blows up the entire group of heroes,
leaving a giant crater in the ground and sending the heroes/wacky objects flying...the
stock footage heroes all cheer. We see stepping back into the scene are all the villains
themselves, who also cheer...Stewie de-activates the stock footage characters with his
remote control device.)
NARRATOR: (Shocked) Good *heavens*!
STEWIE: Yes, I figure that's where they ought to be right about now... (Chuckles)
NARRATOR: (Still shocked) You...you've blown them *all* sky-high! You...you
insufferable monster! You...you fiends in human form! You...
BORIS: Please, dont waste your breath...we're all very flattered! (All the
NARRATOR: (Angry) *NEVER* in my entire *life* have I seen such a shameless, cowardly,
cruel display as what just occurred! I have half a mind to reveal *where* your hideout's
STEWIE: (Whips out a ray gun from behind his back 6and aims it at the camera and,
presumably, the narrator) You *do* and your next narration will be for the A&E
Biography episode on the *PEARLY GATES*!
NARRATOR: Oh, hmph...fooey... (Mumbles annoyedly, as we pan upward to see that the
heroes, blown up and half-knocked-out, are still flying up into the air) (Worried) Well,
will our heroes survive this catastrophically gross misuse of a Final Confrontation
ending tactic by these miscreant scuzzbuckets?! Or will they find themselves done in by
STEWIE: (V.O.) *GRIFFINOPOLIS*!
NARRATOR: ...(Annoyed) *Griffinopolis*... (Worried) in a lethal way?! Be sure to be
with us next time for:
THE BIG SMASH OF THE SEASON, or, er... THE NEW FALL HITS!
(As we see our heroes still whizzing skyward, we cut to a commercial with Beaky Buzzard
forced to promote Layover Airlines, the airline that says, "Come fly the friendly
holding patterns"...then cut back to the story, where we see that our heroes have
reached the uppermost reaches of the stratosphere.)
YAKKO: We knew those gags would come back to haunt the writers, but we didn't think
DOT: Speak for yourself, Mr. "two-places-at-once"...
(Yakko pouts, but quickly ceases doing so as the heroes, having reached the zenith of
their skyward trajectory, start to plummet.)
DOT: Uh...going down?
AXEL: (Bleeping) good eye-sight!
SLAPPY: Great...death in a *fanfic* story...what a way to go...
BRAIN: (Sees something) Wait---do you see that airplane down there?!
SLAPPY: Yeah, so?
BRAIN: Good, because *there*s our key to salvation! Heres the plan: we'll
have to maneuver ourselves into a chain, and then grab ahold of the door! We'll then open
the door and make our way in!
AXEL: Capital idea, but who's gonna open the (bleep)ing door?
BRAIN: Either you or Reginald.
REG: I'll do it! (Reg rips off his shirt to reveal a muscular physique)
DOT: (Excited) *HELLO, NURSE!* (Goes into the usual hysterics, while her brothers roll
REG: Thank goodness for the gym by my television studio! Everybody, grab onto each
other in descending order of height!
(Our heroes do so as they plummet towards the plane. Reg grabs the door, and opens it
with all his might. As it opens, Reg swings the chain of heroes towards the open door, and
our heroes climb in; Wakko closes the door behind them.)
BILLIE: Oh, Lord, I hope they don't think of us as hijackers. They already want our
blood as it is.
PASSENGER: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's the evil toons! We're going to die!
PASSENGER #2: I don't want to go to Heaven...well, not right now, anyway!
BILLIE: Don't tell us you believe that Fox special!
PASSENGER #3: Why not?
BILLIE: Because Rupert Murdoch and Stewie Griffin are master manipulators. You want sex
on TV? Murdoch manipulates your need for it with shows going as far back as
"Married...With Children" and "Studs"! You hunger for bloodshed? He
manipulates your violent needs with those "animal attack" specials! You want to
feel like there's nothing good left in the world? I have 5 words for you: "MAD TV and
Family Guy"! Which leads me to Stewie, who plays upon your need for unoriginality!
You see Eggy over here? *He* was the original megalomaniac with a small body, large head
and a yen for world domination! (Her fellow comrades applaud this thoughtful speech,
except for Brain, who didnt appreciate the description of him...)
FEMALE PASSENGER: (Off-screen) I hate Fox with all my soul!
BRAIN: Who said that?
FEMALE PASSENGER: (Stepping forward) I did! My name is Wendy Franchetti. I long for
quality on television, and I feel that the Warners and their friends have provided us with
so much great entertainment in so little a period of time! Fox has just generated these
lies so they can make more money! I won't stand for it, though! If there's anything I can
do to help, let me know!
DOT: Um...could you help us actually eliminate Stewie and Murdoch?
WENDY: Are you kidding? I would love to! Truth and goodness shall prevail once we get
YAKKO: Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but now it's called
WENDY: "Griffinopolis"? Ugh...we must defeat them! If Chicago falls, that
could start a chain reaction that would turn the USA into a subsidiary of News
Corporation! We can't allow that to happen!
YAKKO: Thanks for joining our side! We're going to need all the help we can get!
BRAIN: (Annoyed) As if having enough characters to field our own football team
wasnt *enough* "help" already...
(Cut to Dot, whos still going beserk over Regs physique)
DOT: (To Reg) Ooooh, say, maybe *we* could do a "Survivor" show of our *own*
someday...just us, on a deserted island... (Dot jumps into Regs arms, but the
resulting force slams Reg into the airplane's not-fully-latched closed door...the door
blows open, and the resulting gush of wind blows all the Heroes, several trays of food,
and Wendy out the plane, and all begin a descent towards "Griffinopolis" once
WENDY: (Raising an eyebrow) Um...didn't close that latch fully, *did* we?
REG: It wasnt me who was supposed to latch it, it was *him*!
WAKKO: (Eating the falling trays of airline food) Er... (BURP!)...*sorry*...
BULLWINKLE: Oh, finky-foo...
BILLIE: *Great*...here we go again, doomed to be killed by that brat turning a Final
Confrontation tactic against us...(Grabs the falling Pinky's arm) It was nice
knowin' ya, Pinks... (Gives him a big mid-air kiss...dramatic music plays. When the kiss
ends, Pinky breathes in and out rapidly...)
PINKY: (Panting) Um...*thanks*?! POIT!
BILLIE: I'd give ya an even *longer* smooch, but...(glances earthward) it looks like
we've got bigger things to think about!
NARRATOR: But as our heroes continue to accelerate towards the ground at 9.8 meters per
second squared, we pan across the sky, and find, still zooming over the city, is Rocket J.
ROCKY: (Glancing upward, and seeing the falling heroes) *GASP*! *HOKEY SMOKE*! How'd
they get up *here*?!
NARRATOR: With that, Rocky veers upward, and with a whooshing sound of wind, flies
towards our falling heroes!
(Cut back to the gang...)
YAKKO: Say, what's that high-pitched whistling sound?
REGGIE: (Pointing at an approaching speck) Look...up in the sky...its a bird!
DOT: Its a *plane*!
PINKY: Um... (gasps) Its *SUPERMAN*? Oh, goody, goody! NARF!
BRAIN: *No*, Pinky...look! It's...
(Rocky catches up to the falling heroes...)
BULLWINKE: Boy, am *I* glad to see ya, Rock! Um...we've got a bit of a problem
here...if ya get the "gravity " of the situation, heh-heh... (Stops laughing, as
he sees the others arent smiling)
ROCKY: Yeah, I can see that...
BRAIN: Quick, do something to save us!
ROCKY: Um...I'll see what I can do!
NARRATOR: So saying, Rocky flies off to find some way of preventing the previous bogus
"next episode" titles from becoming a *reality*!
(We see Rocky zoom downward at a rapid clip, across the Taste of Chicago...grabbing
onto a flaming piece of BBQ on a stick, Rocky pulls up at a sharp angle, and veers back
into the sky...)
NARRATOR: Faster and faster Rocky races, carrying with him the smoldering piece of
barbecue! Then, performing the most graceful aerial moves this side of the Man of Steel,
our plucky squirrel begins using the smoke to write a message across the sky!
(We see Rocky's indeed skywriting with flight maneuvers thatd impress Kal-El
himself...across the sky, we see the words: "HELP---FALLING CELEBRITIES!" ...)
ROCKY: Gee, I hope this works!
NARRATOR: With that, Rocky zooms back towards the still plummeting heroes...however,
he's soon joined by a group of other fellow aviators...several U.S. Air Force jets, a few
TV news copters, and Wonder Woman herself, in her invisible jet!
AIR FORCE PILOT #1: (Static) Now there's something you don't see every day, Chauncey...
AIR FORCE PILOT #2: (Static) What's that, Edgar?
PILOT #1: (Static) A flying squirrel racing towards the rescue of falling laboratory
mice, a squirrel, an ex-bailiff, three doglike children, one Detroit policeman, a moose,
and some guy and woman...with Wonder Woman in tow, no less
PILOT #2: (Static) Whaddya know...nice work of the little furry feller!
(We see the pilots fly past Rocky, with both giving Rocky a "thumbs up"...the
theme from "Top Gun" plays briefly in the background...the pilots veer off to
one side, allowing one of the news copters to get closer to the flying squirrel...one of
them tosses to Rocky what looks like a parachute, which he grabs...meanwhile Wonder Woman,
standing on the wing of her jet, is twirling her magic lasso around over her head...)
WONDER WOMAN: Merciful Minerva! I've got to time this just right...or else, you'll all
wind up with your spines broken!
AXEL: Great...*theres* an optimistic thought...
YAKKO: Yeah, well, you didnt seem to mind telling *us* that once as an empty
threat a few fanfics back...
AXEL: Thats *different*! We werent fallin from a zillion miles up
YAKKO: *Riiiight*... (Axel frowns)
NARRATOR: Flailing her lasso towards the heroes, Wonder Woman manages to grab onto all
but one of the falling heroes inside her lariat...with her invisible jet on autopilot, it
races at a speed towards the ground just steady enough for her to pull all the heroes on
board! However, the one missing hero still plummeting towards the ground is none other
than *Wendy* herself! (Wendy is seen still plummeting...Rocky flies towards her, and
straps the parachute onto her. Wendy unfurls it, allowing her to float gently towards the
(Moments later, all are back Earthside once more, standing in the middle of a park...)
WONDER WOMAN: Good thing I *was* in the air...I thought I saw something odd on the
ground! First, some sort of explosion, then various individuals flying high into the air!
ROCKY: (Panting) Boy, that was some *flying* I had to do there! I haven't had to do
maneuvers *that* complex in *years*!
BRAIN: Well, were all extremely grateful for that dual bout of aerodynamics...but
now, we should set forth after those craven monsters that did this to us in the first
WENDY: Stewie and Murdoch, right?
SLAPPY: Well, it ain't Madonna, sister...
BRAIN: And I have a pretty good guess as to *where* that brat might be holed up! Those
radio station call letters..."WETS"...it's "STEW" spelled backwards!
If we can find a station with those call letters in the city, we'll be sure to find the
secret fortress of that brat! Come, let us be off!
DOT: Wait...what about the rioters?! We still need to take care of our reputation!
BRAIN: Hmm...good point...if only there were some way to get our message out to the
public under neutral conditions that we *aren't* what Fox makes us out to be...*and* if we
can present proof that they're using recycled stock footage of us, we'll easily be able to
prove our innocence!
WENDY: No problem...I happen to be a staff writer for WGN news...was heading back from
the coast just about now before our impromptu "run-in" with each other. I'm
*sure* we can get you guys an impromptu press conference thanks to its news division and
national cable feed!
BRAIN: Very well, then...Warners, you, Axel, Rocky, and Bullwinkle go with Wendy to the
WGN building...the rest of you, come with me, so we can locate where Murdoch and Stewie
are hiding! Once we locate them, we'll all meet together and engage those thugs in a Final
Confrontation those two *won't* forget...
REST: (Angrily) *Yeah*...
SLAPPY: (Angrily) And once I get through with 'em, they'll wish they *hadn't* messed
with *us*...let's go!
(The two groups split up...meanwhile, we cut back to our villains, who're once more
ensconsed back in their lair, celebrating their purported "victory"...)
STEWIE: (Waving a wine glass full of juice) Oh, and did you see the *looks* on their
faces before they went sky-high! (Laughs) *Oh*, I haven't laughed *that* hard since I got
that Emmy award!
MURDOCH: (Laughs as well) Ooh, yeah... (Realizes something) Say, we didn't get that
flyin' squirrel or Wonder Woman, though...what if they actually *rescued* those dumb
STEWIE: Don't worry...if they actually *did* survive that Final Confrontational blast,
we *still* have a few more traps in store for them....*Badenov*! *Fatale*! Get in here!
(Boris and Natasha enter, still dressed in their "M.C. Sledgehammer" and
"Queen Moesha" costumes)
BORIS: Yes, chief?
STEWIE: If those losers *did* survive, they may be hot on the trail of our hideout!
Make sure they *don't* find our hideout, ensconsed deep below this mid-powered, age 18 to
34 demographic-appealing radio station! *Tannen*, *Phrankenstein*!
(Dr. P and Tannen enter...Biff's eating a hot dog.)
BIFF: (While eating) Yo?
STEWIE: I want you to go to every station in town, and make sure that, if those losers
*did* survive, they aren't trying to gain favor with the press! Just what *I'd* do if I
were in such a situation, I suppose...make sure the only mention of those cretins are as
the fatal "Top Story" on the evening *news*!
BIFF: (With his mouth still full of food) Yes, *sir*!
STEWIE: (Annoyed) How *dare* you...I won't have my Agents of Destruction talking with
their mouths full like some uncivilized *rube*! Bend down! (Biff does so; Stewie smacks
him with a glove) *There*! Now, get the (bleep) out of my sight and get to work, or
*ELSE*! (Biff and Dr. P take off for the various "Griffinopolis" radio/TV
MURDOCH: Say, what about Moe?
STEWIE: Im saving Mr. Syzslak for backup...not sure whether to send him out with
one of the teams yet or not...
MURDOCH: Great plan, Stewie...and if they *are* alive, I've got a few traps in store
right here if they *do* find this station! HA! If they survived that recycled stock
footage attack, what we have in store for 'em will make them wish the stock footage *had*
offed the expendable, well-made losers! (Both villains laugh)
NARRATOR: Well, the chase is back on! Will Biff, Boris, Natasha, and the Doctor nail
the heroes before they find Stewie's hideout?! We'll find out in:
TANNEN-ED, BIFF-ED, and READY, or: THE EXTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN!
(Commercials play, with Brain hawking "Spin City" syndicated reruns...footage
from the first "Warner Academy" story of Brain whacking Stewart with #2 pencils
and rulers is seen, only with a cheap graphic promoting this as being on "five nights
a week!" crudely spliced in. We then go back to the story...)
(We open on the WGN Building glistening in the early-morning sun. We fade to the
interior, where we see our heroes sitting at a desk, with Wendy standing next to them.
Various reporters, cameramen, and executives stand by.)
CAMERAMAN: Five...four...three...two...one...you're on! (Signals with his index finger,
and starts the camera rolling.)
YAKKO: Ladies and gentlemen, I am Yakko Warner, and these are my siblings. The
gentleman (and I use the term loosely) behind me is Axel Foley (Axel mutters one of the
more colorful selections from his vast vocabulary.), and these two are classic television
stars and media personalities Rocky & Bullwinkle. We're here today to set the record
straight. You've been led to think that we're a bunch of murderous, dangerous, rebellious,
anti-establishment, communistic, unpredictable, out-of-control, lawbreaking lunatics. But
the truth is, we're not communistic--and very rarely murderous!
DOT: (Muttering.) Great...we may as well have let Wakko do the talking...
WAKKO: Oh, I've still got lots more classic movie speeches left! (He turns around to
the camera.) I promise I'll never leave you again, because after Salome we'll make another
picture, and another. This is my life, and it always will be-- (Dot gives him a swift
elbow to the stomach. He takes the hint and sits down.)
ROCKY: Yakko's right...they don't mean you any harm! And neither do we!
BULLWINKLE: Yeah...our only crime against humanity was making that turkey with Robert
DeNiro. And even that film wasn't as bad as it got credit for...
AXEL: (Bleep) straight! I'll admit I nearly destroyed the whole (bleep)in' world at one
point, but let bygones be bygones, huh? The real (bleep)in' crooks here are the two guys
who have gained your full trust, and at this moment are working to take over the world
themselves--Rupert Murdoch and Stewie Griffin!
DOT: Yeah! And when they take over the world, they'll give you something worse than war
and murder and chaos and all the other things they accused us of plotting!
ROCKY: Every channel will be themed to Fox shows! There'll be the "Fox Reality
Special" Channel, "The Simpsons Season 8 and Up" Channel, the "Married
with Children" Channel, and possibly the worst of all--the "Shows That Were Too
Lame Even for Fox" Channel, which will play reruns of Monty, Damon, The
Sinbad Show, Herman's Head, Pauly, and Party Girl twenty-four
hours a day!
AXEL: Hey, I *liked* Sinbads show... (the others stare at him) Er, sorry...
WENDY: (Playing reporter.) So, you don't plan on destroying the Earth?
WENDY: Or enslaving humanity?
WENDY: Or going on a psychotic rampage and eating several innocent bystanders?
WAKKO: What, this early in the day? (Both sibs nudge him.) Er, um, I mean...no. (Grins
WENDY: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen--the Warners and their cohorts do not
intend to overthrow humanity.
DOT: Well, Brain does.
WAKKO: But he's a good guy, anyway.
WENDY: Uh...at any rate, it's plain to see that these creatures intend us no harm!
YAKKO: Heck, no...we're just a buncha fun-loving scamps!
DOT: We can save the world--but only with your help!
WAKKO: Yes, remember: every penny counts! Make a donation in the next half hour, and
you'll get this lovely embroidered airsick bag with the "Animaniacs" logo on it!
(He holds up said item. Dot slaps it out of his hand.)
DOT: Cut that out!
YAKKO: So, please...resist Murdoch's brutal grip! Show them that you won't take it
lying down while they abuse your TVs and cheapen your world! Get out there and show 'em
what-for! If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the suspension!
AXEL: And if you're watching from Michigan, vote Foley! (The cameraman switches the
WENDY: Very, um...interesting. Let's hope we got our message across...
(Cut to an average suburban dwelling, with a concerned mother feeding her child.)
MOTHER: Oh, my, those little fellows are right...those Fox shows are a terrible
influence on today's youth... (Suddenly yelling offscreen.) Yo, kids! Git the heavy
artillery out! We're gonna go blow Murdoch's brains out! (Sound of children cheering
(Cut to your average susceptible TV viewer, male, age 18 to 49.)
MALE: Wait...first TV told me to watch World's Funniest Telephone Pole Accidents 3
1/2...then it told me that such shows were bad and must be stopped. (Speaking like
computer.) Conflicting information...file overload...overheating... (He takes a sip of a
beer on a table next to him.) Cooling...catastrophe averted...aaah.
(Cut to "Big Jake" in Virginia, from "The Pinky Protocol.")
BIG JAKE: Those little fellers is right! It's all part of the conspiracy! (He pulls a
rifle out from behind his couch and gets up.) Let's see that Clinton feller explain his
way out *THIS* one...
(Fade back to our heroes.)
REPORTER #1: OK, so you *aren't* trying to overthrow humanity...uh...but what about
that interview? We *saw* you telling the whole world you were starting your own militia!
YAKKO: Oh, *that*....that's just part of Stewie's plans! He used recycled stock footage
of us to make us look bad! Watch!
(Wendy hands Yakko a cassette from WGN's Kids' WB programming archives...he plugs the
cassette into a VCR...instantly, the title scene from the "Cat and Bunny Alphanumeric
Data Entry Amazing Colossial Man Show" starts up, complete with the recycled footage
of the Warners singing/dancing in place...the tape cuts to the myriad of other stock
footage promos from KWB's past, including the infamous
"Brain-fried-by-Charmander" footage, that "Backstreet Boys" day
footage, the "Lou Bega Day" footage of Superman and Kalibak "doing the
mambo", and the worst of them all, the dreaded and now infamous "Thanksgiving
Day 1998 promo" footage with all the KWB characters "present". The
reporters all look at each other, and murmur...the tape soon ends.)
YAKKO: As you can see, Kids' WB themselves have made use of this "technique"
numerous times....and with the use of our old gags and lines spliced in, Murdoch and
Stewie Griffin have done the same!
REPORTER #1: Egad...
ROCKY: (Pressing the button on the VCR, and the "interview" starts up) See
how jerkily they're moving? And how everything seems like you've heard it before? That's
obviously not the Warners! Trust me, I *know* limited animation when I see it!
REPORTER #2: So it *is* true...
REPORTER #3: I agree...but there's still a few more questions to ask...Mr. Foley, per
that "take over the world" tidbit you mentioned earlier....sources indicate
that, though they couldn't for some reason determine *when* said attempt *occurred*, you
once acquired a... (trying to pronounce it) "vermicelli"...to use for
AXEL: OK, OK...first of all, that's "Verminator"...repeat after me,
"Ver-mi-na-tor"...big rodent cyborg robot thingamajig...K?
REPORTER #3: Um...OK.
AXEL: And second of all, he didn't destroy *too* much stuff....and I paid everyone
back! It was while I was having a "spat" with the Warners over there!
REPORTER #3: Very well, then...my next question, Mr. Foley: do you think that your
movie career, your campaign funding partially coming from a former pro wrestler, and your,
um, "colorful" language might keep you from gaining popularity with the voters
in your home state? Especially on a policy to install all K-12 Michigan state schools with
the aformentioned Verminator robots as hall monitors and lunchroom aids?
AXEL: No way! I'm no different than the next (bleep)in' politician! At least *I'm* up
front about usin' high-tech cyborg rodents to do my bidding---do ya think the Dems or
Repubs would be that (bleep)in' honest? *No*! But *I* am...that's the way the main man is!
REPORTER #3: (Raising an eyebrow) I *see*...
(Pan over to Axel's campaign staff, who're discussing their employer's chances this
November with a CNN reporter...)
CNN REPORTER: How would the three of you sum up Mr. Foley's campaign overall for this
(The sibs glance over at Axel, whos ranting about someone questioning him on
WARNERS: (Flatly) Be *afraid*...be *very* afraid...
CNN REPORTER: Um...yes...I, uh, see...(To the camera) "Be afraid...be *very*
afraid"...an interesting campaign slogan, no doubt for this Detroit
policeman-turned-actor-turned politician...will Mr. Foleys policies win over Joe and
Jane Michigan-State-Average-Voter? We'll find out in the upcoming weeks before Election
Day, but so far, Mr. Foley's campaign seems to be off to a harrowing, explosive start!
(Glances over at the still-ranting Axel) This is Flip Brickman, reporting live
AXEL: (Whos finished ranting) Well, now that that's done...let's go get Brain and
find those (bleep)ers' hideout!
NARRATOR: And as the WGN-station half of the Heroes have managed to more-or-less
salvage their popularity and prepare to reunite with their comrades, let's catch up on
where the other facets of this epic story are at currently, shall we?
(Cut to the villains hideout, where all the above mentioned villains, along with
Moe, are present. Murdoch looks annoyed.)
MURDOCH: What do you *mean*, you couldn't find them?!?
BIFF: We looked everywhere, boss...but, uh, we couldnt find em! That Final
Confrontation stock footage...whatever...stuff must've killed 'em off good! (The
MURDOCH: Well, if you *had* been watching TV, *or* stopped off at WGN, you would've
seen those losers are actually *alive*! And worse, they're turning the tide of public
opinion *against* us! Plus, at least half of them apparently are honing in on our hideout,
according to their little media conference speech! (Turns on a monitor, where we see
Axel's image is displayed; a caption at the bottom of the screen reads "Axel Foley,
candidate for Michigan U.S. House/ex-Harbinger of the Apocalypse".)
BORIS: Moose is *alive*?! Hooo-boy....
MURDOCH: Indeed...which is why we're using our backup plans!
STEWIE: Right, right...Boris, Natasha, go upstairs and tend to the station's
"guests" if and when they get here...Dr. P, I want *you* to finish setting up
the Tesla Death Ray! I have the perfect use for *that* little ace-in-the-hole...*Tannen*!
STEWIE: (Annoyed) My diaper's getting to a state soggier than those "Huggies"
commercials *claimed* they wouldn't reach...now *CHANGE ME*!
BIFF: Change you? Eewwww...I was never any good at that sort of stuff...my ex-wife
always did that sort of thing for the kids, and....
STEWIE: Do it *now*, or *else* I'll be forced to test my Tesla Death Ray on *YOU*!
BIFF: (Sighs) Yes, sir...(Grabs a diaper from a box nearby...panning over to Murdoch,
we see him speaking to Moe)
MOE: So, anything you want me to do, boss?
MURDOCH: Yeah...as you know, the recycled stock footage technology's something we made
use of here...but moreso, we've managed to actually *refine* the technology to an even
more proficient state! Your job will be this: kidnap Pinky, bring him here, and when those
losers aren't looking, replace him with---*THIS*! (Presses a button, and we see entering
from another room what looks like Pinky himself...)
MOE: Whoa...how'd ya get him *here*?
STEWIE: (While being changed) That's *not* him, you dimwit, it's recycled stock footage
of him! The same footage as seen in that "interview", but refined to eliminate
any "jerkiness" in motion! He'll be indistinguishable from the real rodent!
Plus, with the added features I've made to him, that love-smitten mouse Billie won't grow
suspicious until it's too *late*, when we use this ersatz mouse to lead them to their
(Murdoch presses a button, and instantly, "Pinky" goes into action)
"PINKY": (Recycled footage spliced together more smoothly) Oh,
*Billie*...I...I love you! (Reaches out into nothingness in a hugging manner, and makes a
"kissing" motion; the villains turn the stock footage Pinky off)
STEWIE: She'll be so overwhelmed by the object of her affection *returning* said
affection that she and those other dimwits won't realize they're walking right into the
*trap* I've embedded in this phony Pinky! HA! Oh, this is *too* delightful... (to Biff,
annoyed) I said *LIGHT* talcum, you dunderhead! (Whips out a rattle, and bops him with it)
BIFF: OW! Dah...sorry!
STEWIE (to Murdoch): Rupe, old man, we have quite a bit in common, you know. We're both
megalomaniacal devils, we're both darned handsome, and we both wear diapers! (malicious
MURDOCH (indignantly): I only had to wear them once or twice, during hospital stays,
and by no means on a regular basis. (clears throat and rises to feet; as he stands a
suspicious plastic-like crinkle is heard)
STWEIE: As you like it. (to BIFF) Oh, blast your ham-fisted roughness! Perhaps it takes
a woman's touch. (looks at DR. PHRANKENSTEIN)
DR P. (shakes head vigorously and waves hands in a "no" gesture): Who! Me? Do
I wook wike a wetnurse? I'm no fwigging Mawwy Poppins! How about Squeak hewe? (points to
her pet rat) He's fathered some six hundwed childwen! I bet he knows what to do!
(MR. SQUEAK squeaks and grins broadly. STEWIE and the others shudder and grumble
STEWIE: Eyurgh...as if this lackluster diaper-servicing situation wasnt annoying
enough, that that New York City-native quote-unquote "ninja-thug" still
hasnt reported back from Las Vegas...where the *deuce* is he?!
(Cut to a desert outside Vegas, where we see the thug in question that tried to get
Slappy earlier is revealed to be none other than Mike (as seen in "Radio Free
Warners")...hes sitting on a bench by a road, and looks quite saddened)
MIKE: *Sigh*...this just ain't the same without Sheryl...maybe I shouldn't have broken
up with her! I mean, who *else* can I hurl barbed-wire-wrapped bricks and engage in
idiotically pointless fight scenes *with*?! (Moaning) Oh, *Sheryl*...*Sheryl*...wherefore
art thou, Sheryl?! *SHERYL*! (Begins sobbing)
(Cut back to the villains, where we see Moe pick up the fake Pinky, and carry him
NARRATOR: Oh, this is indeed a *sick* moment...those vile villains' lowest point yet!
Taking advantage of a love-smitten mouse and *replacing* our beloved Pinky with his
recycled stock footage *doppelganger*?!
STEWIE: (Now fully changed, no thanks to the clumsy efforts of Biff) Yes, yes...but
all's fair in "love" and war, HA HA! (Wiping a tear from his eye) Oh, *God*, I'm
NARRATOR: (Muttering) Yeah, right...
STEWIE: (Wielding his ray gun) WHAT WAS THAT?!
NARRATOR: (Nervous) Uh...I said, "we'll be right back" soon, with:
WHEN PINKY MET BILLIE, or SLEEPLESS IN CHICAGO!
STEWIE: (Annoyed) Thats *GRIFFINOPOLIS*! *Imbecille*...
(Cut to commercials with Porky Pig hawking a new long-distance calling
circle...however, hes disturbed and horrified to find that its Christopher
Walken at the other end of his "circle"s line. Cut back to the story,
where we fade into the heroes, now fully regrouped, at the WGN building...)
YAKKO: So we've worked the P.R. front...but Murdoch and Griffin still have the muscle
and the money.
SLAPPY: No kiddin. We have squadoo.
WAKKO (reaches in pocket): I've got a nickel.
DOT (holds up little box): I've got my pet.
AXEL: Oh, that ain't gonna cut it! What we need is some rich benefactor to bail our
(bleep)s outta the fire and buy back this burg, or were cooked!
YAKKO: What about using some of your campaign money to---(Trails off, as Axel glares at
Yakko with an irate look in his eye) OK, *OK*! Throw your campaign dough down a sinkhole
if you want! (To his sibs) Yeesh...whatta potty-mouthed grouch...
(The WGN PROGRAM MANAGER, who is nearby, overhears.)
PM: Oh, you're in luck. One of the members of our board of directors is visiting today.
His name is Quincy Magoo. He's richer than dark chocolate, but (pitches voice low) he's a
little crackers. He's very vain about his looks and won't wear his glasses. He's
(MR. MAGOO enters just then, swinging his walking stick.)
MAGOO: Well, hello, there! Nice to see you today, Mr.--uh--Miss---(squints at
MANAGER)--oh, these haircuts today! Who can tell! But glad to meet you regardless!
PM: (shakes Magoos hand) Glad to see you too, sir. How was your flight?
MAGOO: Oh, marvelous, marvelous! But I can't say much for first class! That cabin was
much too tiny, and the seat was very hard and damp! My bottom was in a puddle! But I did
have access to a water cooler, so I didn't go thirsty, thank Hal Roach. (AXEL and the SIBS
trade glances that say, "Our savior just spent his entire flight in the bathroom and
doesn't realize it?!") Ah! A boy selling puppies! (apparantly mistaking AXEL for a
twelve-year-old) How much you asking, sonny?
AXEL: What? I ain't no (bleep)ing kid! I'm a grown man! A member of the Detroit Police
Dep-- (YAKKO nudges him)
YAKKO: (sotto voce) You mouth off to the nice nearsighted man, Axy boy, and you'll blow
the deal. You'll end up as Stewie Griffin's diaper-washer.
(Sweat beads on AXEL's forehead. He clams up.)
MAGOO: Hmmm--I have been looking for a good guard dog for my estate. Is this a boy or a
girl? (Tries to lift up Yakkos tail to "check", but Yakko grabs his tail
from Magoos hands)
YAKKO: Boy...definitely a boy... (Glances at Wonder Woman, wiggles his eyebrows, and
jumps into her arms...the Amazing Amazon is quite annoyed)
DOT: (Also annoyed) No kidding...
MAGOO: Oh, I see. Pardon me.
DOT: (Rolling her eyes at Yakko) Quite all right, Mr. Magoo. Look, we need your help.
It seems there's this mean baby named Stewie--
(Cut to an office elsewhere in the building. BRAIN is using a computer, pressing
buttons with a pencil. BILLIE is seated nearby, eating hard candy from a dish. Every few
minutes she cruches a piece loudly, and BRAIN flinches.)
BRAIN: A few more keystrokes...(crunch)...and the data we need will float to the
surface like the first biped from the primordial ooze...and (crunch) yes! I have it!
BILLIE (mouth full): Got what, Eggy? (puts in another piece)
BRAIN: An address. I believe this is where Stewie, Murdoch, Tannen, and that old woman
with the German accent and the speech impediment are quartered. All we need to do
is--(Another crunch. BRAIN is visibly irked.) Could you please stop indulging yourself and
BILLIE: Yeah, yeah. (crunches another piece and looks at the screen. Bored.) That's
nice. Good work, Eggy.
BRAIN: I have a feeling you don't even-- (crunch) --care anymore.
BILLIE (crunching, mouth full): Concerning what?
BRAIN: Concerning our lives are in danger.
BILLIE: (Swallowing her candy) Sorry, Eggy...didnt mean to sound flippant...of
*course* I care! That brats a menace to the extreme! But its not that...I
guess its just...that...well... (Sighs, and looks a bit down) Im startin
to get a bit *tired*, I guess. All the long nights of helpin you try to take over
the world...with no success...a lack of sleep...
BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow) "Tired"?! Billie, how could you possibly grow
weary of assisting in my destiny of taking over the world?!?
BILLIE: (Sighs) Maybe thats just it...*youre* the one whos obsessed
with it, and all...Im glad to help you as a friend, but I guess Im getting
kind of worn out from all this. I think I need a...vacation. Take some time to think,
pursue some of my own interests, that sort of thing...
BRAIN: A *vacation*?! But we travel all the time! Remember our trip to the Himalayas?
BILLIE: Some "vacation" that was: two weeks climbing Mount Everest in a
failed attempt to stick a broadcasting tower on top of Mount Everest! (Sighs) Sorry, Eggy,
but I guess I need the time off...after we take care of this mission, maybe me and Pinky
could go somewhere for a few weeks, like upstate New York, or some romantic little place
in New England... (giggles a bit)
BRAIN: Presuming, of course, that Pinky wishes to go with you on this vacation, rather
than aiding *me*, of course...
BILLIE: Of *course* hed like a break, too! Well just have to ask him who he
wants to spend the next few weeks with after all this blows over...plus, this trip will
give me the chance to start pursuin a new interest of mine...*writing*!
BRAIN: (Raising his eyebrow again) *Writing*?!
BILLIE: Yeah...was considering becoming a writer...you know, being beaten on the New
York Times best sellers list by the latest Pokemon book...seein my books
overordered by colossial bookstore chains and thrown on the discount rack with
cover-ruining discount stickers on them...watchin only a third of my books
material get turned into a Hollywood movie script... uh... (looks concerned) Hmm...then
again, maybe Id better think *those* aspects over...
BRAIN: So, you wish to become the next Emily Dickinson? Maya Angelou? Sappho?
BILLIE: Yeah, maybe so... (Brains about to say something) Hey, dont worry,
Eggy---Ill still be willin to help you and everything. I still have *some*
interest in science...in fact, I was considerin makin my first story a science
fiction novel! And maybe with a little research on *my* part, Ill be able to make
what I write come *true*! Nothin wrong with havin more than *one* pursuit in
life, Eggy... (Giggles, as Brain looks mildly annoyed) Though I guess Ill have to do
some research into interstellar travel theories and inertial forces...hmm...maybe building
a rocket sled and runnin it through the center of the Earth would help...
BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow)Uh...I *see*. (Shakes his head) Anyway, I suppose if
thats your wish, then...I suppose I have no choice but to support you on it. As long
as it doesnt take too much time away from aiding my goal...
BILLIE: (Smiling) Oh, thank you, Eggy! Ill dedicate my first book to you! (Hugs
Brain; Brain smiles a bit, before Billie breaks her embrace) Guess Ill have to order
a few things...paper, erasers...a computer! Hmm...I think SGI Computers are havin a
sale on a few models in the several hundred thousand dollar range---a virtual bargain!
With their virtual reality capacities, I could easily simulate the spacecraft I needed to
BRAIN: (Annoyed) *Why* would you need a supercomputer advanced enough to conduct
*virtual reality* scenarios with?! Whats wrong with a $100 word processor?!
BILLIE: (Nervously) Well...uh....maybe Pinky and I might want to have a bit of
recreational downtime between world domination and writing sessions, and...er....Pinky
liked that simulator ride we went on at that amusement park once? (Giggles)
BRAIN: (Rolling his eyes) Of *course*...never *mind*... (Grabs the paper with the
address of WETS radio on it) Speaking of Pinky, lets get him, and ask *him* if
hed rather spend two weeks galavanting around the backwoods of New England over
assisting in my lifelong dream---
(A shadow falls over the floor.)
BRAIN: Ah, Pinky. I was just asking about you. I have found the address of the
malefactors' hideout. Let us be gone.
(Sinister music plays, as we cut back to the rest of the heroes, whore wondering
where the mice are...)
MR. MAGOO: Ya say it's three little fellers?
MR. MAGOO: About yay tall?
MR. MAGOO: (Cheerful) Then by *George*, that's one of *them* right there! (Points to a
D*nald D*ck plush toy sitting on top of a computer)
YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, I don't think so...
PINKY'S VOICE: (OFF-SCREEN) Here I am! POIT!
NARRATOR: Everyone sees that what looks our little friend Pinky, with Billie and Brain,
wander back into the room...however, through the magic of cheap cartoon zip pans, we see
that the *real* Pinky is being carted off by a vengeful Moe Syzslak! Yes, the
"Pinky" our heroes are greeting is in actuality finely-honed recycled stock
MOE: (To Pinky, who's in his fist) HA! That brat says this'll get rid of all your
friends, including those Warner brats! Oooh, this is gonna be *good*! (Hails a taxi, gets
in, and they speed off for Stewie's hideout...zip pan back to the heroes, where
"Pinky" is conversing with Billie)
"PINKY": (Recycled dialogue) NARF! POIT! Wa-hahaha!
BILLIE: Oh, Pinks...you say the cutest things!
BRAIN: (To "Pinky") Nice to hear your usual intellectual commentary...anyway,
we must head for the address of radio station WETS...the self-proclaimed "omnipotent
voice of Griffinopolis", and the home of those villains' lair, no doubt!
"PINKY": (Recycled dialogue) Egad, *brilliant*! Oh, no, wait, no...where
would we find rubber pants our size?
BRAIN: (Sighs) Pinky, I'm going to have to hurt you... (Whaps "Pinky" on the
head, which cues recycled stock footage of "Pinky" laughing) Now enough of this!
Let's get going!
WAKKO: I call shotgun!
DOT: Aw, no fair!
WAKKO: Sorry, but I called *first*! (Jumps on Mr. Magoo's shoulders, who becomes quite
startled) C'mon! Giddyap!
MAGOO: You carnsarned whippersnapper! That's the trouble with you kids today! Why, I
(All leave, with Magoo griping about kids' lack of respect these days; however, cutting
back to the villains' lair, we see that Stewie and Murdoch are watching the heroes'
progress thanks to a miniature sensory device embedded in the recycled stock footage
STEWIE: (Laughs) Oh, this is *too* marvelous! They bought that ersatz Pinky hook, line,
and sinker! HA! Soon, those fools will fall right into my trap! Come, Rupert, let's get
our things "ready" for our guests! Do we have everything?
MURDOCH: (Whips out a clipboard with a checklist on it) Um...let's see...lasers?
STEWIE: (Whips out his ray gun, and fires off a few blasts) Check...
MURDOCH: Boiling acid pit with an escape-proof cage in which to lower a few of our
"guests" into said acid?
STEWIE: (Points to a monitor showing a room where this is contained) *Check*!
MURDOCH: The Tesla Death Ray?
STEWIE: (Looks at another monitor, where Dr. P begins warming up the Death Ray)
MURDOCH: That rat Pinky secured in "position"?
STEWIE: (Looks behind him, where they see that Pinky's locked in a cage, bound and
gagged) Oh, dare I say it...? *CHECK*!
MURDOCH: Assistant villains in position, ignoring that inept no-show "Mikey"?
STEWIE: (Looks at Boris, Natasha, Moe, Dr. P., and Biff, all in other parts of his
facility; they all give a "thumbs up at the camera") Check! Oooh, ooh, let me do
one! Let's see....oh, yes...the Recycled Stock Footage?
MURDOCH: Oooh, yeah, that's definitely a "check"...and one last thing left:
the secret *weapon*...our deux ex machina, should even the might of the Tesla Death Ray
fail... (points to a monitor) the ultimate in technological supremity, surpassing even
Nikolai Tesla's great maniacal genius...drawing from the resources of Dr. Phrankenstein,
that well-conceived-but-fatally-flawed-in-execution "39 Characters" thing, and a
few old "Justice League of America" comic books: I give you---*GRIFFINO*!
(Ominous music plays, as we see the monitor displays a standing figure about average
height, with a muscular build, a white muscle shirt, and green tights, with Stewie's face
on it...various scientists are testing it on some spare recycled stock footage of the
Warners. We see "Griffino" pull out of nowhere a pack of dynamite, and blow the
Dot-dummy up with it...it also curses a la Axel Foley at the Wakko dummy, making it
disintegrate, and it causes the Yakko stock footage to run away screaming as it whips out
from nowhere a TV set playing reruns of "Full House", while blaring NPR from a
built-in-radio at the same time...)
STEWIE: Oh, the best part *yet*! Within this cybernetically deadly figure, we've
duplicated all the most lethal traits of that horde of figures: the Warners' inane spatial
distortion gags and general cartoon chicanery...the Brain and Billie's intellectual
capacities...Axel Foley's in-your-face aggressiveness and street-smarts...the media
savviness of those Reginald and Wendy persons...the unlimited explosives supply of Slappy
Squirrel...even flying abilities like that Rocket J. Squirrel! With this mighty golem, and
the rest of our deadly traps, this Final Confrontation will be *most* Final indeed!
(The villains all laugh, as ominous music plays)
(We cut to see the Warners, lab mice, Slappy, Axel, Reggie, Wendy, Roz, Wonder Woman,
Mr. Magoo, Rocky and Bullwinkle, who're all walking down the street...a few passers-by
jump out of the way, as the group by this point is so large, it makes the usual size of
one of Chicagos frequent parades look like a small church picnic...)
DOT: (at the rear of this massive procession) Gee, I get the feeling
something's...*wrong*... (Stops at a door in front of a building, and opens it; suddenly,
a whole mess of miscellaneous people come spilling out.)
BRAIN: (Annoyed) All right, that's *IT*! No more characters to lend us
"assistance"! We've already got enough help as it is!
BILLIE: (Annoyed) Yeah...go apply at *Manpower* or somethin'!
(The wannabe characters all trudge off, muttering about wanting a "big fanfic
BRAIN: Now that that's settled...let's be off! To radio station WETS...and our
inevitable Final Confrontation with those loathsome individuals...
SLAPPY: Yeah...I'm usin' the *premium grade* explosives for that Murdoch guy once I lay
my hands on 'em...
NARRATOR: Our gargantuan cast finally heads off for WETS radio and their rendezvous
with those loathsome Fox villain masterminds! Will the "Pinky" trap be Billie
and Brains undoing? Will "Griffino" and recycled stock footage do the
Warners in in a lethal combination? Just what sinister purpose does Stewie plan on using
the Tesla Death Ray for, anyway?! Be with us next time for:
THE CALVACADE OF FANFIC STARS, or MANY A THOUSAND CHARACTERS GONE!
(Cut to commercials, promoting Sniffles the mouse taking the lead role in an
off-Broadway production of "King Lear"...we see Patrick Stewart standing off the
side of the stage, fuming at being passed over for the lead role...cut back to the
(Fade into the villians hideout, interior. Stewies ray gun, the Tesla Death
Ray, GRIFFINO (standing still as stone in a heroic pose) and the acid pit are all ready,
and PINKY is still in his cage. MURDOCH, and crew are having a final celebratory toast.
All have champagne, except STEWIE, who has grape juice in his wine glass, and BIFF TANNEN,
who is drinking from a beer stein.)
MURDOCH: The champagne is from my private stock. (pours BORIS and NATASHA a portion
each) The finest in the land.
MOE (sips, makes an approving noise): A frigging sight better than the toilet water I
pass off as imported beer on my customers, Rupe. (Chuckles to himself) Heh, heh...
"Düff from Sweden"...boy, that was a great scam.
BIFF (slurps his drink, belches, wipes mouth on wrist. To DR. PHRANNKENSTEIN): Hey,
doll. What say we go out bowling after this is all over. Maybe hit a couple of clubs, or
that all-night tattoo joint on Ruegger Street?
DR. P. (tiredly): Thank you, Mr. Tannen, but I pwefew my men a wittle wess--how do you
BIFF: Aw, c'mon. You know what they say, toots--once you go Biff, you never--uhh--aw,
something seductive-like that rhymes. You get my point.
DR. P.: The onwy point you possess is the one atop your cwanium. (saunters off, leaving
a dejected BIFF)
(Pan to BORIS and NATASHA.)
BORIS: My little kreplach...all these years we've worked together, and I don't think
I've ever noticed your eyes. How they are sparkling like the sun upon the Volga River back
in our homeland.
NATASHA, touched: It's the champagne, dahlink, that makes them glitter.
BORIS: Whatever, is lovely. (romantic music starts up in background, as the two spies
lean in as if to kiss, but STEWIE cuts it short, and a needle scratching on a record is
STEWIE: None of that. I've just had strained peas for lunch, and they're not sitting
well. You'll make me spit up.
(The door creaks open just then, and a figure enters, havily backlit. It's MIKEY,
looking worse for the wear--hair messed up, the knees of his jeans covered in dirt and
grit, the armpits of his shirt damp with sweat, cheeks and forehead sunburned. It appears
he's seen hard travelling. The villians look at him, open-mouthed.)
MIKE: I've...something...to say...very...importannn-- (collapses in dead faint before
he can finish)
NARRATOR, hushed tone: The prodigal son has arrived home at last. Will Murdoch's lost
little sheep be welcomed with open arms, or callously tossed into the meat wagon and sold
for a buck eighty-nine a pound?
(Meanwhile, on the street, the WARNERS and
large-enough-to-require-scientific-notation-sized cohorts are about to head into WETS
radio...well, sort of...)
WONDER WOMAN: (Talking to the others, as they stand on the sidewalk) So anyway, like I
was saying, I was getting tired of being passed over time and again for these fanfic
adventures...Batmans shown up in your fanfics, *Superman*s shown up,
*Freakazoid*s shown up, more than *once* I might add...by Olympus, even *Superboy*
has made a story appearance, but not *me*! (Sighs) I suppose not having had any major
media exposure since that old television program hasnt helped my career much...the
most media exposure *Ive* had latelys been for that mediocre macaroni and
cheese commercial, and I didnt even get to *talk*...
BRAIN: (Sounding vexed) Well, we all have our problems, Wonder Woman. But our *current*
problem is the most pressing issue at the moment. Ladies and gentlemen, if we go in to
attack Stewie without a concrete plan, we'll be crucified. That much is for certain.
AXEL: (Bleep)! We should just (bleep)ing give in now and let that pumpkinhead baby win.
SLAPPY: Ah, you kids today, giving up when the heat's on. Lemme tell you a thing or
three, junior. I was entertaining the troops overseas in World War II when your pappy was
AXEL: Uh, actually, dad was in middle school durin the war and all...he used ta
tell us all the time about the (bleep)in food rationing and... (Sees Slappy glaring
at him) Yeah, yeah, continue your (bleep) speech...
SLAPPY: Thank you. Anyways, me and Sonny Tufts took on the Hays office in the thirties.
They made Murdoch and Griffin look about as tough as used tissue. I ain't giving up.
(The others shout their approval.)
MAGOO: Huzzah! Brilliant speech, madame. Very full of that old jingo spirit!
SLAPPY: Uh, thanks. But talk to me, not the fireplug, would'jah, bud?
(Camera pans to reveal MAGOO squinting at a fire hydrant. He mumbles embarrassedly.)
BRAIN: We need to divide responsibilities and attack them from all points. (takes up a
stick and draws in the dirt) Billie, Pinky and I are the strategists. We will examine the
structure for ingresses, egresses, and weak points and formulate the best way to gain
"PINKY": (Recycled from "Welcome to the Jungle") A stick is my
BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow) Ye-ees. It is. Now, Warners and Axel, you are our first
line of defense. You go in and draw their fire.
AXEL: (Bleep)! So we die first! That's a brilliant plan?!
WAKKO: Disguises? (wiggles eyebrows)
BRAIN: Yes, camoflague may be of advantage. Utilize it wisely. Once the villians are
spent, Wonder Woman, Slappy, and Bullwinkle are the second line, moving in to mop up
WONDER WOMAN (gives an Amazonian salute, with fist to breast): By Hephestaes' hallowed
BRAIN: Now, Roz and Wendy and Reggie will be stationed on the street to mop up the
stragglers. Anyone who runs out of the building trying to escape--(swats ground with
stick)--crush them. (ROZ and REGGIE nod.) Rocky will be our air force, scouting the
perimeter from above and will alert the ground troops to unforeseen problems. (ROCKY nods)
Finally, Magoo will be ready, after all is said and done, to buy out all the properties
that Murdoch bought with his checkbook. Like a defeated German chancellor, Murdoch will
probably be willing to unload his white elephants very cheaply. (Magoo nods and murmurs
ALL (slapping hands together): Are we ready? (pulling them apart) Break! (Brain glances
at the Warners with annoyance, whore standing next to a water cooler that appeared
from nowhere, eating donuts and chatting...theyre wearing office workers
YAKKO: Oh, yeah...that was so hilarious, or would be if we werent swamped with
work. Oh, and did you hear what Aaron in marketing *said* this morning? He----
BRAIN: (Annoyed) What th---?!?
DOT: Were on a *break*, silly.... (whips out a contract) Were
(Cut to radio station WETS, which appears to be a small, rundown looking station; one
of the call letters making up the stations sign is seen leaning off its hinges, on
the verge of falling to the street. Through the miracle of a cheesy cartoon cutaway,
however, we see that Stewie and Murdoch's actual headquarters/facilities are a sprawling
underground complex beneath the station. Inside of WETS' main floor, we see that Boris and
Natasha, still in their DJ guises, are standing ready to engage the heroes as per Stewie
and Murdoch's plan...)
STEWIE: (Through a two-way wrist TV on Boris' wrist) Are the two of you ready? Our
cameras mounted outside the station's perimenter indicate that those madcap morons are
heading this way!
BORIS: Hoo-boy, are we ready? Are we *READY*?!
STEWIE: Well, *are* you?
BORIS: Um, no. (Natasha jabs Boris) I mean...ready as we'll ever be! Beh-heh-heh!
(Signs off) Natasha, we're finally going to succeed once and for all!
(Cut to the Warners and Axel, heading towards the station's main entrance...we hear
ominous music play...)
WAKKO: Gee, where's that music coming from? (Glances at the speakers mounted to the
station's exterior) Oh...
DOT: Guys...normally at this point, I'd be concerned about this winding up like a lot
of our other stories' battles...or of us repeating the same gags...but in this case, those
two have got to be the toughest guys we've actually faced!
YAKKO: Yeah...those two are actually...*competent*! Not the usual batch of baddies we
AXEL: Yeah, yeah...enough of this analysis stuff! Let's go in...
NARRATOR: And as the foursome enter the station, they are greeted by none other than
"M.C. Slegehammer" and his assistant "Queen Moesha"...
BORIS: Hey, if it isn't big contest winners!
YAKKO: Yeah, if ya count gettin' blown to kingdom come as a "prize"!
BORIS: No way...we only had enough explosives to blow someone to a mere princedom!
DOT: (Misinterpreting Boris) Princeton? Ick...we're more of Purdue fans
ourselves...(The Warners do a spin-change, and emerge in Purdue University cheerleaders
WARNERS: (Singing to the tune of Purdue's fight song) Hail, hail, to old Purdue, all
hail to our old gold and *blaaaack*...hail, hail to old Purdue, located off the beaten
track...(Hold up a map indicating the podunk west-central-Indiana town of Lafayette that
Purdues located in)
NATASHA: Very cute, dahlinks...but we've got another surprise for you all!
WAKKO: *SURPRISE*?! Uh...so do I! (Spin-changes into the costume of Purdue's mascot,
Purdue Pete, complete with hard-hat and sledgehammer, which he wields over his head)
Uhh...(Giggles) Do ya *really* want it?
AXEL: (Whispering harshly to Wakko) What the (bleep) are you *doing*?!
WAKKO: (Whispering back) Don't worry, this never fails! (Snickers; to the villains) I
said, do ya *really* want it?
BORIS: (Rolling his eyes) Oh, yes! Geeve it to me!
WAKKO: (Giggling wildly) OK, here goes!
NARRATOR: But as the Boilermaker-clothed Warner is about to deliver the hardest
sledgehammer this side of an off-campus Purdue student bar, Boris presses a button on his
desk, opening a panel in the side of the room, out of which comes a most hideous sight!
(We see smoke billow out, and as ominous music plays, we see entering the room are what
looks like Homer Simpson, the "Dancing Baby" from Ally McBeal, and Bender the
Robot...however, the four Heroes take one guess at what these "figures" really
HEROES: *RECYCLED FOX STOCK FOOTAGE*?!
NATASHA: Actually, the baby's the real deal, dah-link...hard to tell difference, I
BORIS: That's right! And all of them special delivery, courtesy of Stewie Griffin
himself! Play nicely!
(The vile stock footage and dancing infant move in on the heroes...each hero takes on
one of the stock footage characters...cut to Wakko, who's facing the Dancing Baby, as it
keeps doing its dancing thing while moving in on the now-non-Purdue-clothing-clad
WAKKO: Uh...care to dance? (Grins broadly, and grabs the baby's arms...they whirl
around the room like a miniature tornado, with Wakko spinning the baby around, before
finally letting go...it hurls into a wall, and slumps to the floor looking a bit dazed,
but soon bounces back. Looking angry, it begins to do its dance even harder, pounding its
fists angrily while moving towards Wakko.)
WAKKO: Gee, guess you didn't meet that Arthur Murray guy...he was loads of fun! But
here's someone else who'd *love* to meet ya! (Reaches off-screen, and pulls in none other
than Maggie Simpson herself...she makes a few pacifier sucks, glares angrily at the DB,
and launches into a karate attack...when the smoke clears, we see Maggie standing
triumphant, with the Dancing Baby hogtied. However, Maggie soon loses her balance, and
(Cut to Dot and Axel, facing off against the Bender stock footage...)
BENDER: (Recycled) Bite me, fleshbag!
AXEL: (Bleep)! Those guys Stewie and Murdoch don't know *what* depth to stop sinking
to! They've got *no* limits!
DOT: Yeah...time for one of our less-repetitive gags... (Grabs Axel's hand, and they do
a spin change...when they stop, Dot's dressed like Mary Tyler Moore, and Axel's dressed in
a bad Lou Grant bald wig.)
AXEL: (Shocked) What the (bleep) is this?!
(To "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"-esque music playing in the background, Dot
does her MTM dance routine, but when she tries to throw up her hat into the air, she
realizes that she doesn't have it on her)
DOT: Ooops...I forgot I gave that blue hat back to Mary in Minneapolis...uh... but
this'll do! (Rips Axel's bald wig from his head, making him yelp and curse loudly. She
throws it up into the air, and we see a Frigidaire land on top of the
now-recycled-footage-of-him-smoking Bender; a recycled moan eminates from underneath the
(Cut to Yakko, facing off against "Homer"...however, it's not footage of the
Homer we all know and love, but none other than "jerk@$$" Homer himself from the
past few seasons of the "Simpsons"..."Homer" looks quite angry.)
YAKKO: Say, did anyone ever tell you you used to sound just like the late Walter
"HOMER": (Recycled from that helping-Mel Gibson episode) Shut up, SHUT UP!
(Moves in on Yakko in a recycled shoving motion reused from "Trash of the
Titans", and hurls him into Wakko, Dot, and Axel, slamming them into a wall. All look
dazedly at the moving-in "Homer") (Recycled) Out of the way, jerk@$$! (Recycled,
waving his fist at the heroes) Don't make me divorce *you*!
DOT: This has to be the sickest recycled stock footage *yet*! He's out of character,
obnoxious, and his "dialogue" seems to come from another solar system! Hes
AXEL: A (bleep)in' *(bleep)*, that's what! And I ain't going to take this from some
poorly-written recycled (bleep) like that!
YAKKO: For once, I agree, Mr. Potty Mouth...let's go! (They whip out various blunt
instruments, and move in on the badly-written, out of character
"Simpson"...however, we see that "Homer"'s now standing next to some
button on the wall.)
"HOMER": (Recycled, angry) I'll show *you*!
(The ersatz Homer presses the button, which opens a trap door underneath the heroes,
sending them all sprawling down a slide...we hear recycled-Homer say "Super fun happy
slide!", as the heroes sprawl downward....)
AXEL: (While falling) The one line he says from a *good* episode, and it has to be that
NARRATOR: Eventually, they land in a cage; however, we see that the cage is suspended
over a pit of boiling acid, and is beginning to sink ever so slowly towards the pits
AXEL: Those monsters are gonna (bleep)in' pay for this!
(Suddenly, Stewie's face appears on a monitor near the pit)
STEWIE: Greetings, friends! Hope you enjoy a little "dip" in the pool! I got
the idea after watching that "Roger Rabbit" movie the other night...that Lloyd
fellow was quite inspiring...anyway, I couldn't make actual dip, but I'd say that highly
caustic boiling acid makes a nice substitute, wouldn't you say? Hmm?
YAKKO: Aaaaaactually, I'd say... (Sees Wakko throw his Purdue sledgehammer into the
pit, which disintegrates upon contact)
ALL: (Gulping) *YES*!
STEWIE: Good! See you around...no, wait, I guess I *won't*! (Laughs sinisterly, as the
monitor's image turns off and begins lowering very slowly into the pit)
NARRATOR: Well, the first team to enter the hideout have wound up in a deadly
predicament! But what else does Stewie have in store?
(Cut back to Stewie and Murdoch...they're warming up Griffino for its deployment
against the second team...)
STEWIE: Yes, my mighty golem will provide those losers with quite a tussle! A
tussle...of *DEATH*! (Dum-dum-dummm...) (Stewie fires up Griffino, and it begins marching
towards the rear entrance, where we see Wonder Woman, Slappy, and Bullwinkle entering WETS
(Cut to the outside of the building, where we see the strategist mice monitoring
things...we see Billie and Pinky talking to each other; however, things don't seem quite
BILLIE: Oh, Pinky, I knew you always cared about me! Your telling me that "I have
a head like a really clean carrot"...that "love is, dot-dot-dot"
line...that's so charming!
"PINKY": (Recycled) I dont know how to say this,
but...Billie...I...love...you! (Moves in, and recycled-ly kisses Billie on the lips; we
see Billie's arms flail, and Brain look utterly and completely shocked by this)
BRAIN: *PINKY*...you're actually *returning* Billie's affections?!?
BILLIE: (Breaking free of Pinky's embrace, breathing heavily)
What's...wrong...with...Pinky...finally..realizing...what we have?! (Gasps, and smiles)
"PINKY": (Recycled) Oh, goody, goody! I know, POIT! Let's
BILLIE: (Ecstatic) Oh, *Pinky*, I knew you'd come through! You know what my answer is!
"PINKY": (Recycled) Uh...I do?
BILLIE: Silly! It's "yes"! After this blows over, we can start planning
things right away! Cake, caterers, a church....oooh, you've made me the happiest mouse on
*Earth*!Thank you! (Hugs "Pinky"; however we see an evil gleam in Pinky's eye
that Brain and Billie don't see, and cut away to Murdoch and Stewie. We see that they've
been playing this dialogue for "Pinky" from their lair, and laughing all the
STEWIE: (Laughing extremely hard) Ohh, ho ho! (Wipes a tear from his eye) This
is...this is too *much*! (Imitiates Billie) "Pinky finally sees what we have"!
(Laughs hard again) Oh, I'd better stop before I spit up! (Falls out of his chair in
MURDOCH: (Laughing as well) This is great! I've got to get footage of this to use on my
"World's Funniest" show! HAHAHA!
(Cut back to the mice...we see that Billie's managed to obtain from a nearby newsstand
a copy of "Bride" magazine, and is showing pictures to "Pinky"...Brain
stands there, with his mouth agape at all this...he finally speaks up)
BRAIN: Billie...do you realize what you're doing?!
BILLIE: Huh? Oh, yeah...better send out *1,000* invitations instead of just *999*...
BRAIN: *No*...I mean, don't you think it's a bit..."sudden"...for Pinky to
react like this?
BILLIE: Well, like I said, he must've realized what we had, and all...
BRAIN: Perhaps, but a wedding this soon? And don't you recall that *I* was the one who
told you that you had a "head like a really clean carrot"?
BILLIE: Gee...now that ya mention it, I do...
BRAIN: It's because...because...(sighs, and stares at the ground)...Pinky was the one
who told me that line to say to you when I originally tried to woo you, in the tradition
of Cyrano de Bergerac... (muttering) Sorry I had to admit that....it was the only way I
could think of to win you over at the time, since you wouldn't give me the time of day...
if this hurts your feelings any, I apologize...
BILLIE: Pinky, you gave that line to *Eggy* to say?
"PINKY": (Recycled) Oh, yes sir! NARF!
BILLIE: Oh, Pinks...that's so *sweet*! You really *are* a true friend! (To Brain) I
guess I don't have any hard feelings, Eggy...it's all in the past. And besides, with Pinks
and I gettin' hitched, how can I be mad?!
BRAIN: (Concerned) But that's not all...isn't it odd that Pinky would propose
*marriage* this soon after finally giving you a passionate *kiss* after all these months
of your attempting to court him? And that proposal is so unlike Pinky...he'd at least
throw in a few "narf"s or compare you to Betty White or somesuch pop-cultural
nonsense! And instead of just standing there, he should be asking me if I'll...(Sighs) be
his...best man. (Sounding depressed) Or at least if I want to pick out colors for the
bridesmaid's dresses....(To Pinky) Is there something you aren't telling me, Pinky? Did I
do something to create offense?! *Tell me*!
"PINKY": (Recycled) Narf!
BRAIN: "Narf"?! (Growing annoyed) I just gave an uncharacteristically
emotional speech, and all you can say is *NARF*?! *NARF*?!? (Now irate) Not even espousing
some dribble about your best friend being concerned over whether or not you're rushing
*into* all this?!? (Suddenly, his eyes grow wide, as he realizes something) Billie....this
*isn't* the real *Pinky*...
BILLIE: (Annoyed) Eggy, if this is over how sudden he's proposed to me...
BRAIN: No, Billie...this isn't our Pinky! It's some sort of clone, or copy or...or...
(Shocked) *Recycled stock footage*...
"PINKY": (Recycled) That's right! *NARF*! (Laughs insanely)
BILLIE: (Shocked) Pinky...is this...true? (Tears welling up)
"PINKY": (Laughs insanely, with his laughter eventually changing into the
evil laughter of Stewie Griffin.)(Stewie's voice) Did you really think that that
dunderhead would actually want to marry you?! The "characters getting married"
schtick is one of the oldest fanfic cliches in the book, and you just fell for it!
(Laughs) Oh, that's *hilarious*!
BILLIE & BRAIN: *STEWIE*?!
BRAIN: (Angry) Where is Pinky, you little snot-nosed....
"PINKY": (Stewies voice) Don't worry, you'll find out soon enough...
BILLIE: (Now angry) Yeah...because as soon as I lay my hands on you for pulling such a
vile trick, I'm gonna...
(Before she can finish, we hear a beeping noise eminate from "Pinky", and see
that he begins to shift shape a la a shapeshifter...the stock footage changes shape,
ensnaring he two genius mice inside a spherical-shaped bubble, and said bubble begins to
float above the ground, with the two mice trapped inside...it shimmers out of sight, and
rematerializes inside the lair, next to Pinky's cage; the bubble shifts into a cage
STEWIE: (Walking over to the mice) Yes! I've finally got him...welcome to the
*endgame*, Brain....*YOUR* endgame! Before I finish you off, you'll get the privilege of
watching all your friends *die*! (Points to monitors, showing the three teams'
locations...specifically, to the Slappy/Bullwinkle/Wonder Woman team heading for a
surprise rendezvous with Stewie's robot, Griffino...)
NARRATOR: The most loathsome part yet, folks! Playing on the emotions of a love-smitten
mouse! But worse is *yet* to come...be with us next time for:
AMERICAN GRIFFINO, or: GOLEM FOR BROKE!
(Commercials play, this batch showing the Looney Tunes promoting "Baby Looney
Tunes" merchandise, with all wearing baby clothes and looking quite
humiliated...breaking continuity with the infantile "setting", Buster and Babs
walk into the shot, and try to "burp" "baby Taz"; chaos quickly
ensues...cut back to the "action"...)
(Cut to the Bullwinkle-Slappy-Wonder Woman part of the team, standing inside the rear
entrance of WETS...)
BULLWINKLE: Uh, gee, guys...er, gals...are we gonna wear a disguise like that Brain
SLAPPY: Eh...I dunno...they seemed to see right through my "Slappy Doo"
get-up and all...
BULLWINKLE: Aw, c'mon! It'll be fun, *please*?!? (Bends down on one knee) I'm beggin'
ya! Proposin' ya! (Searches around) Now where'd I put that ring...?!
SLAPPY: Ah, fer the love 'a Mike...*fine*! Ladies and gentlemen... (Does a spin-change,
and emerges as a tour guide, with hat and a pocket stuffed with maps) The unofficial WETS
(We see Wonder Woman do the "spin-change" bit as well...she emerges in her
classic "Diana Prince" alter ego: she's wearing a grey blazer and skirt, black
high heeled shoes, round black glasses, and her hair's done up in a bun with those
pin-like-thingies sticking out from the bun part.)
WONDER WOMAN: (To Bullwinkle) I'm set...but where's *your* costume?
BULLWINKLE: Costume? Oh, uh...lessee here...uh... (looks around, before shrugging, and
whips out a towel and boxing gloves...) Just call me---"Raging..."
SLAPPY: Yeah, yeah, we get the pun, let's get goin'...
(We see Slappy, "Diana Prince", and "Raging Bullwinkle" head into
the studio's rear door...once inside, they enter a door leading down a stairwell, and to a
dimly lit hallway...)
(Cut to Stewie and Murdoch, who are glancing over their monitors, and pausing to see
that this "Tour Group" is in unauthorized territory...)
MURDOCH: What th--?! That tour group's not authorized to go there!
STEWIE: Indeed...I thought the tour guides were supposed to only show those banal
suburbanite tourists of Griffinopolis the few main rooms in the studio, a few videos of
the station's history, and the bloody *gift shop*! (Squints at the "tour guide")
What the *deuce*?! That "tour guide" bears an awfully close resemblance to that
flea-infested old squirrel we've seen before---*TOO CLOSE*! It must be that other
"team" sent to "flush us out"! Well, the only thing that'll be flushed
around here will be...*THEM*! Time to send after them my mighty golem, *GRIFFINO*!
(Presses a button on his console, and we see Griffino's eyes light up...the robotic
creature begins marching towards the location of the Slappy part of the team...)
(Pan over to the captured lab mice...Billie looks somewhat saddened, however.)
PINKY: Brain, I'm glad to see you're alright...but uh, why is Billie so sad?
BILLIE: (Frowning) I thought that was *you* that was with us, Pinks...but it turned out
to just be recycled stock footage of *you*! (Sighs) I can't believe I was that *foolish*
to fall for such a dirty trick...
PINKY: It's OK, Billie...I fall for things all the time! Like the time I fell off that
stool when it was spinning really fast! *NARF*!
BILLIE: (Smiles a bit) Yeah...I guess so... (Reaches through the bars of her cage to
Pinky, and touches his shoulder) At any rate, I'm glad to see the *real* you's OK,
BRAIN: As am I, I suppose...(sighs) but it seems with our capture, things do look quite
bleak... (looks a bit down) At times like this, there's only one thing to do...
PINKY: (Gasps, sounds elated) You mean...?!
BRAIN: *Yes*, Pinky... (Begins singing, as music swells up) To *scheme*, the improbable
BILLIE: (Joining in) To *plan*, the unthinkable *plan*...
PINKY (Joining in): To build when your arms are too tiny.... (All three mice in unison)
To walk, in the suit of a *man*!
STEWIE: (Turning around, hearing this singing) Stop that singing! What the devil do you
think this is, amateur night at the Apollo Theater?! (Listens to the song) My word, that's
almost...relevant...especially in light of the number of my schemes that have backfired
due to my short stature...(continues listening to the singing)
BRAIN, BILLIE, & PINKY: (Finishing the song) *TO SCHEEEEME...THE IMPROBABLE
SCHEEEEEME*! (Music builds to a crescendo)
STEWIE: (Clapping) Bravo! Well done! I suppose *that* qualifies as your swan song as
much as any!
BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow) "Swan song"?!
STEWIE: Oh, my, yes, because you see...you're all about to *die* very shortly! Just as
soon as you finish watching your friends perish! Ha! (Goes back to his monitors)
BRAIN: (To Billie/Pinky) There must be a way out of here...*and* more importantly,
defeating that brat Stewie in a Final Confrontation once and for all!
PINKY: Oooh, I'll help! Um, let's see here...ooh, I know! We'll get a lot of
newspapers, and build a giant paper-mache copy of the Earth like we did before! NARF!
BRAIN: That didn't really happen, Pinky, that was just an episode we did for our
television series...don't you remember? Plotz wanted to market a massive line of
merchandise of us, *including* globe-scale models of that scientifically-improbable
"Chia Earth"...however, after we finished filming that episode, he and the head
honchos of Warner Bros. decided to scrap our merchandised line in favor of mass quantities
of materials promoting... (shudders) *Scooby Doo*...idiot executives...besides, the lack
of any molten core or atmosphere on such an ersatz Earth *alone* should've dawned on the
"writers" that such a thing as "Chia Earth" sounds like something
purely cartoonish rather than belonging with my more scientifically-derived plans as...
PINKY: Stopping the Earth's rotation with a giant rope and magnet-thingie and thus
throwing everyone off?
BRAIN: Exactly! (We hear Billie giggling to herself a bit over this idea, and mumbling
"stopping the Earth's rotation with a giant rope...*right*...". Brain merely
raises an eyebrow) It's things like that, along with our poor marketing and seeing
recycled stock footage of ourselves abused to promote the latest programming
fad-of-the-moment, that makes me wonder *where* they get their ideas from...theyre
almost dangerous enough to be used as weaponry---wait, that's *IT*! Pinky, Billie, are you
pondering what I'm pondering?!
PINKY: I think so, Brain, but you said we could use the lab's satellite dish to watch
the CBC's coverage of the Olympics instead of NBC's, remember?
BRAIN: *No*, Pinky, my way of defeating that brat once and for all! (Glances over to
see that Stewie and Murdoch are too busy plotting a way of using recycled-stock-footage of
Digimon to ruin the reputation/popularity of Pokemon) Utilizing the equipment used to
construct that android Griffino plus some spare recycled stock footage, I shall build my
*own* golem, one similar to my mechanical suit, which I shall steer and use to destroy
Stewie once and for all! But first, I must escape from this cage...
BILLIE: No problem! I've been studyin' the makeup of this thing, and I think I can get
us out of here...(Whips out a bobby pin from her hair, and wraps it around one of the
bars) I figure a high frequency vibration transmitted through this bobby pin might be
enough to disrupt the morphed structure of these bars and revert our cage to a gelatinous
PINKY: Um...what does that mean?
BILLIE: It means, we've gotta find somethin' loud enough ta set this thing off! Hmm...I
know! (Whispers into Brain's ear, who gets the message; we see Brain cup his hands around
his mouth, and begin to yodel) *RI-CO-LAAAAA*!
(We see the soundwaves vibrate on the bobby pin, which begins to rattle and shake the
cage....the villains, distracted by this noise, turn around, and see that the cage is
beginning to buckle, until it completely dissolves...the two genius mice race over to
Pinky's cage door...)
STEWIE: (Irate) WHAT THE DEUCE?! How *dare* you escape from my cleverly laid trap! I
guess I'll have to dispense with dramatics, and finish you off right here! (Whips out his
ray gun, and begins firing, but misses the mice...we see Brain's used his tail to unlock
the cage door, releasing Pinky, and the three mice scurry off, with lasers zapping behind
them at a rapid clip...they squeeze through the bars of a heating grate, and vanish from
MURDOCH: Blast! We've got to find those mice, or they'll ruin the whole operation!
STEWIE: True, true... sounds like a job for our "prodigal son", Mikey!
(Yelling towards off-screen) *MIKEY*! Get in here!
(Mikey enters, carrying a pile of diapers, safety pins, and talcum powder)
MIKEY: (Sighing) Is it time to change your diaper, sir?
STEWIE: No, not just yet...I've got something even better in store for you! Those
wretched-yet-talented-singingwise rodents have escaped! I need you to find them at *once*!
And when you do, I don't care what you do with the tall skinny pair, but let the Brain
live---I wish to finish him off myself!
MIKEY: (Dropping the diaper stuff) Yes, sir! (Whips out his trademark wire-wrapped
brick and a bat, and exits, beginning his search for the lab mice...)
(Cut to another room in the facility, sometime later...it appears to be the room Stewie
used to assemble Griffino and the recycled stock footage...we see Brain and Billie are
finishing up work on some sort of human-sized object under a sheet, with piles of old
"Animanaics" and "Pinky and the Brain" videos, robotic parts, and such
lying nearby...Pinky merely plays with a spring like a Slinky, laughing all the while.)
BRAIN: Did you finish adjusting the fluxometric adjuster?
BILLIE: *Yes*, Eggy...
BRAIN: And the stock footage imaging matrix?
BILLIE: (Sighs) *Yes*, Eggy...
BRAIN: *And* the duotronic isolator?
BILLIE: (Rolling her eyes) *Of course*...
PINKY: Oooh, and did you remember to put fuses in? They never put those in on
"Star Trek"! *NARF*!
BILLIE: Of course! But thanks for the reminder, Pinks!
BRAIN: Then I think we're ready...if that Stewie brat thinks that he's the expert on
robotics, then let's see him face...(Pulls off the sheet)---*STOCKTRON*!
(Dramatic music plays, as we see "Stocktron": a robotic figure that resembles
some combination of a Transformer, Brain's mechanical suit, and a Verminator cyborg...it
gleams in the light. We see there's a hole in the top for Brain to sit in, a la his
BRAIN: Pieced together from old recycled stock footage, the plans for the Verminator
cyborg, and (Billie grunts)...yes, a few technological innovations from Billie...we've
constructed a figure capable of taking on both that android Stewie built *and* Stewie
himself! But first, let's test it out...I've set up a piece of recycled stock footage of
those Warner siblings across the room! (Points at standing-perfectly-still footage of
(Brain scurries up the suit, and enters the opening at the top...we see him press a few
controls, and Stocktron fires up...)
PINKY: What about us, Brain?
BRAIN: Of course... (Presses a button inside his control area, and we see Stocktron's
arms pick up the mice and place them inside a "rumble seat" of sorts behind
BRAIN: Ready.... (Pressing a few more buttons, we see the suit fly through the air
towards the fake-siblings with a streaked-line-effect in the background, with Pinky
singing to the theme from "Voltron" all the while...the suit slams into the
fake-Wakko, demolishing the ersatz sibling. Pressing a few more buttons, Brain enlargens
his suit's left hand into a giant spatula, and slams it down on the other two
"siblings", smashing them flat as a pancake.)
BRAIN: (Smirking to himself) Try to drop an anvil on *me* in our last comic book
adventure, will you? (Chuckles, until he sees Pinky and Billie staring at him)
Um...er...at any rate, I think our first mission is to find and defeat Griffino before it
reaches Wonder Woman and the others!
BILLIE: Sure thing, Eggy! (We see there are controls in Billie's seat, on which she
presses a few buttons, and Stocktron begins moving towards the door...Pinky continues to
sing the "Voltron" theme, until Brain whaps him on the head to shut him up...)
NARRATOR: And speaking of cybernetic beings, let's cut back to Team Slappy, which is
about to have an unfortunate run-in with Stewie's robotic Agent of Destruction!
(Cut back to these heroes, as Slappy seems a bit concerned...)
SLAPPY: Hmph...something's wrong here...we should've run into some sort 'a baddie by
WONDER WOMAN: What sort of..."baddie"?
SLAPPY: Dependin' on who's writin' this part...if it's Brainatra, probably some sort of
stupid ninja-thug melee outta some Van Damme flick ...if it's Robert, probably some
villain pulled from the end of the Final Confrontation of a past adventure into the
future by abusin time-travel...if it's Craig--- (Shudders) I don't even wanna
*think* about it...let's keep goin'.... (They keep moving, but Bullwinkle pokes Slappy on
SLAPPY: Yeah, what is it?
BULLWINKLE: Um...would someone with metal-feelin' hands, beady laser-red-like eyes and
looks like that Stewie kid be a "baddie"?
SLAPPY: Eh, I guess so...why?
BULLWINKLE: Oh...then I guess this guy ain't it, then, is he? (Pull back to reveal that
following the group is none other than Griffino itself...)
SLAPPY: (Flatly) This is bad...
WONDER WOMAN: Don't worry, I'll take care of it! (Spin-changes out of her "Diana
Prince" guise back into her full superhero costume, and whips out her magic
lariat...she flails it in the direction of Griffino, but Griffino suddenly vanishes before
the lariat connects) (Surprised) Great Hera! Where in Zeus' name did it go?!
SLAPPY: Geez...good question...where the heck did it...(something dawns on her) Lemme
guess...that brat's boiled all our gags into that hunk of junk...and I think I know where
it *is*...(slowly feels behind her, and her fingers touch a metallic surface) um,
everybody...whatever ya do, *don't* turn around...
(Slappy reaches slowly for her purse, and pulls out an explosive...she hurls it over
her shoulder, and turns around...we see that Griffino's holding the explosive, but in a
jerkily-recycled-manner, swallows the explosive a la Wakko. It goes off inside of
Griffino, who does that expanding-and-contracting stomach-bit...Griffino hiccups, then
continues to move in towards the heroes...)
WONDER WOMAN: Well, that didn't work, but maybe *this* will! (Tries to land a punch on
Griffino's face, but it merely staggers slightly, before punching back, sending Wondy
slamming into a wall...) (Slightly dazed) Unhh...that punch should've pulverized a
*Buick*! This thing's tougher than it looks...
BULLWINKLE: Oh, foo...so what do we do now?
NARRATOR: Good question! Will Slappy, Bullwinkle, and the heroine formerly known as
Diana Prince finally perish at the hands of Stewie's robot assassin? Will Brain, Billie,
and Pinky with the aid of Stocktron reach them in time to lend a metallic hand?!? And what
of Axel and the Warners possible acidic fate?!? Be with us next time for:
HEY LOOK, ANOTHER RO-BUT, or: PENDING FOR A BENDING!
(Cut to commercials featuring the Hoboken Penguin and Batman forced to hawk fudge
popsicles that look marginally like them; the Penguin looks fairly pleased, but Bruce
looks even more sullen than normal, and mumbles "first those emergency car rescue
system commercials, and now *this*...". Then go back to the "plot"...)
(Cut to a shot of a long hallway, where BRAINs robot "Stocktron"
clatters, slightly ungainly, towards the second team. Cut to interior, with BRAIN pushing
a lever and muttering under his breath.)
BRAIN: The device's mechanics are crude, but serviceable. It should make short work of
Stewie's little toy.
PINKY (giggling): Narf! If we win, Brain, I know what would be fun. We can go on that
show on Comedy Central with those mean-looking fighting robot droids. Bang! Zoom! To the
moon! (makes punching gestures)
BILLIE (giggles also): Yeah! "Battlebots"! I bet we'd make a killing!
How'zabout it, Eggy?
BRAIN (scoffs): Battling mechanical droids using car parts and buzzsaw blades. By Carl
Stalling's metronome, what a waste of a half hour of TV. Besides, if I ever went on Comedy
Central again, I would invest the time wisely--by testing my mental acumen against the
great Mr. Ben Stein himself. (*- Brain last went on Comedy Central for the "Daily
Show", back in "39 Characters In Search of a Plot". ---Brainatra,
makin comic book-style editorial notes)
BILLIE (bored): Yeah, yeah. And use the prize money to try to take over the world. For
all your smarts, Eggy, you're so short-sighted I wonder if you can see two inches in front
of your face sometimes. You know, you can be--
BRAIN: Shh! (distant clattering is heard) I believe it came from that direction.
Buttonhook left. (pushes lever; the robot jerkily makes a turn) Head straight twelve
(POV shot of a barren, grey-tiled parlor-type area, with GRIFFINO and the second team
squaring off. SLAPPY is rooting through her purse and tossing aside all sorts of clutter
ranging from a foam rubber "We're #1" glove to a six-pack of walnut soda to an
anvil. BULLWINKLE is checking WONDER WOMAN's wrist to make sure it isn't broken.)
WONDER WOMAN: (To Bullwinkle) Im fine, thank you...Ive taken on the
Cheetah, evil mythological creatures, and even Darkseid himself on occasion...this bucket
of bolts is nothing in comparison. By Minerva, I wont give up. (Stands back up)
BULLWINKLE: Thats funny...didnt think Amazon princesses would look up to
blond-haired minks... (Wonder Woman looks at Bullwinkle with an odd expression on her
(Cut back to the mice...)
BILLIE: (Quickly forgetting her spat with BRAIN) There's Griffino now! Wow, he's a
BRAIN: There's an old saying concerning the ratio between an opponent's bulk and his
impact when encountering terra firma. (pushes the lever forward with a determined grunt)
(STOCKTRON lurches forward, clanking monstrously. GRIFFINO turns his head slightly to
acknowledge its presence and snorts.)
WONDER WOMAN: Good Diana's diadem. What is that?
SLAPPY: Hmm--stiff, clunky, no personality. He reminds me of a very young Al Gore.
BULLWINKE: Wait--that's that big-headed lab rat fella in that doohicky thingamajig!
WONDER WOMAN: Hmm...maybe that ingenious little fellow can succeed where we've failed.
BULLWINKLE: Impossimoo! Griffino's built like a--well, like a bull moose! (thumps
(STOCKTRON and GRIFFINO encounter each other, lock hands, and grapple for several
moments. Cut to BRAIN inside STOCKTRON, sweating and pushing hard on the lever. BILLIE is
holding PINKY's hand fearfully with one hand and nibbling the nails of the other
nervously. PINKY is silently cheering BRAIN on.)
BRAIN: Perhaps *this* will sweeten your temper, you buzzard. (hammers his fist on a
button on a console in front of him. A stream of hot coffee squirts from one of
STOCKTRONs fingers into GRIFFINO's face, irking him but doing no further damage.)
PINKY: Oops. Sorry, Brain, I borrowed a couple of parts from a Mr. Coffee in the
BRAIN (grunts): Remind me to annihalate you later.
PINKY: I'll make a note of it. ZORT!
(The two robots are Greco-Roman wrestling now, evenly matched. STOCKTRON manages to
turn GRIFFINO about, so its back faces the others. WONDER WOMAN's face brightens.)
WONDER WOMAN: (To her cohorts) Look there. (points) Where Griffino's neck joins the
upper back. That tube. I wonder... (Unsheaths a golden knife, flips it in her hands, and
lets it fly. The blade neatly slices the feed tube, and a green fluid gushes out. The
GRIFFINO robot coughs, sputters, and weakens. Brain orders Stocktron to execute a pin and
places an elbow at the small of his opponent's back.)
BULLWINKLE: Jumpin' gee-horsefat! How'jah do it, Wondy?
WONDER WOMAN: I recalled the tale of Achilles and his heel, a story I was told a
thousand times as a girl. No matter how formidable the opponent, he always has a weak
point to exploit.
SLAPPY: Hmph...that green gunk must be what kept that walking toaster going.
BRAIN: Yes. Some sort of pseudo-cerebral-spinal fluid that powers automic brain
functions in the android. (Griffino twitches on the floor as his "lifeblood"
runs all over the floor, then becomes still) I believe he's, for all practical purposes,
PINKY: What do you mean?
BRAIN: Deceased. Expired. Terminated. Bought the farm. Doing the dirt dance.
PINKY: I still don't get it. He bought a farm and wants to celebrate by going out to
BRAIN (exasperated): Late. Passed on. Pushing up daisies. Worm food. Maggot bait.
PINKY: Oh. I thought he was right on time. Maybe he was busy feeding all those maggots
and worms and tending the flowers on his new farm. Oh, it's nice even a mean old robot
thingie can enjoy gardening.
(BILLIE is awash in a gale of giggles, her hand clapped to her mouth to stifle her
mirth. BRAIN looks at her quizzically.)
BILLIE (between laughs): Oh, it's...it's a bit from a comedy album. From Monty Python.
They're English comedians who wear dresses and do funny stuff, and--oh, I'll tell you
later. Don't be such a crabapple.
BRAIN (resigned sigh): Very well. Suffice to say Griffino is no longer a concern.
BULLWINKLE: Say, this stuff looks like green motor oil. Wonder if it'll run good in my
car. (He reaches out to touch it, but WONDER WOMAN stops them with sharp
WONDER WOMAN: Don't. It could be corrosive.
(BULLWINKLE pulls back his hand with a sharp gasp.)
BULLWINKLE: Don't know what it means, but it sounds a mite bad.
(Cut to exterior. ROZ and MAGOO are on the sidewalk. ROZ is speaking into a
ROZ: Roz to Reg. All quiet on my perimeter. The fourth blind mouse and I haven't seen
so much as a flea jump. How about you? Over.
(Cut to REGGIE and WENDY on the other side of the building.)
REG: Not much. Some movement on the inside--some guy carrying a stack of diapers walked
past a window a few minutes ago, and a couple of big guys lumbering around in there, but
not at the same time. Looked like wrestlers. Over.
ROCKY (shouting down): The roof is secure. One more sweep and then I'm coming down.
ROZ (shouts back): Fine by me, squirrel boy.
ROCKY: A-OK. Roger dodger. (swoops wide and doubles back for final loop)
(Cut to interior. DR. PHRANKENSTEIN is monitoring all points. ROZ and MAGOO are on one
screen, REG and WENDY a second, and the hall containing the destroyed Griffino is on a
DR. P.: Oh, Mr. Gwiffen, Gwiffino's down. They swit his thwoat.
STEWIE: Oh, good Gehenna. Well, ready a repair crew or something to assess the damage.
He may be salavageable. I want to see Mikey find those rats--
DR. P.: Mice.
STEWIE: --and turn them into pulp. Brain, of course, is my privilage. Send Tannen to
check on that gutter-mouthed cop and those three little monkeys. I suppose we must at
least feed them. Blasted Geneva convention. And I want Boris and Natasha at the ready to
take care of the third-stringers with one of their little disguises. Understand?
DR. P.: Yes, sir. Anything else, sir?
STEWIE: Yes, A jar of butterscotch pudding. I'm feeling a mite peckish. (rubs belly)
MURDOCH (from corner): Make that two, my dear.
DR. P.: Immediatewy if not sooner, chief...and chief.
(Pan over to one of the monitors, showing an overhead shot of WONDER WOMAN, BULLWINKLE,
SLAPPY, and the mice (seated inside of STOCKTRON) proceeding down a dark corridor. BG
music is "In the Hall of the Mountain King" by Edvard Grieg.)
(Cut back to the infant known as Stewie and the elderly man known as Murdoch, as
they're exiting their lair to go to the laboratory where the Tesla Death Ray is being
kept...we soon see the various technicians are putting the finishing touches on the Death
Ray, and Stewie, Murdoch, and Dr. P are tending to the out-of-commission Griffino...)
STEWIE: (To Dr. P) Adjust the stock footage imagaing matrix, and realign the power
couplings! There, that should do it...(Griffino gets back up, but sputters around a bit,
before collapsing back on the floor) *BLAST*! (Whips out a hammer and wrench) Once I get
Griffino back on line, I'll use him to make the Brain pay! If *he* can make a suit that he
can control, so can *I*! I'll modify Griffino so that *I* shall be the one steering him,
and take on that oversized rodent in a mechanized Final Confrontation to end *all*
Final Confrontations! As soon as Mikey finds those losers...
DR. P: Meanwhile, what about the Death Ray?
MURDOCH: (To one of their miscellaneous scientist minions) Get it warmed up...I'd like
to make a few tests!
MINION: No problemo, sir! (They warm up the device, as ominous music plays...Murdoch
eyes the machine gleefully,then enters a few coordinates into the machine, and presses
(Cut to the ceiling of WETS, where we see a small hole part in the roof, and see that
it leads down into where the Death Ray lies....Murdoch presses a red button, and we see it
fire its deadly, fiery might up to an orbiting News Corp. satellite in space...the
satellite redirects the Death Ray's beam back to several different locations on
Earth...outside of WETS, the remaining heroic crew see this sight....)
ROCKY: (Gasps) Hokey smoke! Look!
ROZ: Looks like someone's built themselves an authentic Nikolai Tesla Death Ray...(All
look at her oddly) I read about it in "Painful & Destructive Weapons
Monthly"...and from what I heard about that thing, it looks as if the rest of the
guys must not be doing too well!
REG: C'mon, let's go lend 'em a hand!
WENDY: Wait---I thought we were supposed to take care of stragglers!
ROCKY: Somehow, I think we've got bigger problems! Let's go find the others! (Grabs
Magoo, who's talking to a mailbox he think's a police officer, and they exit the scene...)
NARRATOR: And as these third-stringers enter the station to find their teammates, let's
see just what it is that those deadly rays are setting their sights on, shall we?
(Cut to Bobby Knight's house in Bloomington, Indiana, as he's mulling over his recent
removal from Indiana University...hes raking his yard, but looks up to see that a
death ray is coming down upon his house. He runs away, as it is blown to bits a la the
White House in "Independence Day". We see a large supply of folding chairs
hurled in all directions....)
(Cut to Tokyo, Japan, where we see a second Death Ray strike down, demolishing half a
city block...the natives, however, shrug, and say (dubbed from Japanese) "wish
Godzilla'd take some stress reduction courses"...)
(Cut to New York City, namely Times Square...we see Loud Kiddington and Charity are
seeing the sights...)
CHARITY: This is supposed to be the site where all those guys got kidnapped for that
"39 Characters" thing...still, not quite as evil as our own bunch of villains...
LOUD: (Speaking calmly) Or as bad as my popularity being assaulted *again* in some
so-called "interview"...did you see that Fox special where they claimed I'm
promoting "early deafness in our nation's youth" and am secretly promoting
"explicit and hateful music lyrics"?! They spliced some footage of me yelling
with some Eminem video footage! Good thing things have died down back to normal, though...
CHARITY: (Looking at something off-screen) Um...I wouldn't say that just yet...
LOUD: Why's that?
CHARITY: Oh....maybe...*that*. (Points to a giant TV screen showing a promo for
D*sney's new direct-to-video film "Pocahontas III: Children of the Maize", which
is being blown to bits by one of the Death Rays striking it...the other TVs instantly
change to images of recycled stock footage of Bart Simpson telling Internet users to
"get a life" and that "they owe" the "Simpsons" producers
LOUD: (Cringes) Guess things *could* get worse...
(Cut away from this, and back to the villains' lair...we see that Stewie's finally
finished with his modifications to Griffino, which consists of Griffino's head being
removed and replaced with a hole in the top of the android with a booster seat covering
it, with a myriad of controls at the helm...Stewie climbs into this seat, and begins
manipulating the cybernetic warbots new controls...)
STEWIE: (Pressing some controls/pulling levers) YES! Success at last! Once Brain sees
this, he'll just simply *die*! (Pauses) Oooh, I made another funny! (Laughs) (Glances at a
few monitors, showing the results of the Death Ray's test run) Oooh, and it seems as
thought our little take-over-the-world helper's all set to go!
MURDOCH: Indeed it is! And as soon as we get rid of those losers, we'll be on our way
to total media control!
STEWIE: Indeed! (All the villains laugh...)
NARRATOR: This is grave, indeed...but not as grave as the Warners' situation, for back
at the acid pit...
(Cut back to the acid pit room, where the cage is now only a few feet above the pit's
AXEL: (Half-panicked) Quick, ya crazy (bleeps)! Don't just stand there, *do* somethin'!
WAKKO: Like what?
AXEL: (Still panicked) You know, somethin' *crazy*! Like that crazy (bleep) ya did on
your (bleep)in old TV show!
YAKKO: Ohhhhh, *that* sort of stuff!
DOT: No problem!
AXEL: Finally...(turns around, and finds that the sibs are standing on the other side
of the cage) (Irate) YAAAAAH! NOT *THIS* STUPID (BLEEP) AGAIN!!!
YAKKO: Well, you *did* want us to do *something* from TV...and besides, this *is* a
sequel...we're contractually obliged to recycle at least *some* jokes from the original
(Axel goes ballistic due to this nonsense, grips the bars of their cage, and rattles
them, cursing all the while and pounding his head against the bars...pan over to Wakko and
WAKKO: Youre not upset at our reusing that gag, Dot?
DOT: Not this time...I'm too concerned about what this boiling acid steam's *doing* to
YAKKO & WAKKO: *Girls*...go fig...
AXEL: (Stops his self-abuse; still half-panicked) You crazy (bleep)in' (bleep)s! We
don't have time for this! We've gotta get outta here! (Suddenly, Biff walks in) YOU!
Wait'll we get our hands on you!
BIFF: (Carrying some "McGriffin's" fast food bags) Dah, the boss says we've
gotta feed you, so, here you go! (Throws the bags into the cage) Don't see the point, I
guess, if you're all gonna die...
WAKKO: (Reaches into a bag, and pulls out a toy) Wonder what it is...oooh! Look! A Bart
DOT: (Seeing her prize) Ick...an "Ally McBeal" doll made from pipe
YAKKO: Lessee...I got...(Looks at it) A talking Stewie doll with 8 different off-color
AXEL: I've got...(looks into his bag, then at Biff) *oooh*, bet ya'd love to see what
the (bleep) I've got!
BIFF: Yeah, right...you're just tryin' to trick me...
AXEL: But it's a really *good* prize! In fact, I heard it's such a hot toy, it's
burnin' up the charts on eBay!
BIFF: (Startled) Whoa! Really?! I could use somethin' like that to sell to those chumps
that's buyin' all that Pokemon junk I'm sellin' at triple the price!
AXEL: Get us out, and it's yours!
BIFF: Geez, wait...the boss said I shouldn't let them out...um...but he's got somethin'
valuable...*and* the boss wouldn't pay me that bonus for catchin' that mouse...uh...I
guess it wouldn't hurt to let you down for a little while... (Goes over to some controls,
and manipulates the cage back to the ground, beside the pit; he opens the door, but when
he does that, the Warners jump on Biff and plant a big comedy kiss, before yelling
"Goodbye, nurse"! and racing off...Axel runs off as well, tossing their bags to
BIFF: *BLECH*! Disgusting! But at least I got this money-makin toy... (Reaches
into the bag, and pulls out the toy) Lessee....what th--?! *DIGIMON*?!? (Looks annoyed)
Those scammin' chumps! Nobody's gonna pay anythin' for *this* on eBay! (Pauses)
Hmm...*unless*.... (Picks up the Ally McBeal "doll", and twists the pipe
cleaners on his toy) Hmm...that *sorta* looks like Pikachu...I can say it's a "rare
factory error"! Heh, heh...
(Cut to Slappy, Bullwinkle, and Wonder Woman, now joined up with our third-stringer
heroes from the outside...Brain, Billie, and Pinky (still seated inside of Stocktron) look
a bit dismayed at the story the third-stringers have to tell...)
BILLIE: Yeesh! Guess we know where we'd better get back to...
PINKY: Right! Back to...uh...good old-fashioned working values?
BRAIN: *No*, Pinky...the main control room! There, we might be able to shut down that
wretched Death Ray *and* finish off Stewie and Murdoch!
BULLWINKLE: Hooray! Uh...but where's the Warners?
WONDER WOMAN: I dont know...or think Id *like* to know... (Suddenly, we see
the sibs emerge from her tiara, and jump into the air; Dot lands in Reggies arms,
while Yakko and Wakko land in Wonder Womans...the Warners give both startled heroes
a big comedic kiss)
WARNERS: HELLOOOO, NURSE!
WAKKO: Didja miss us?
YAKKO: Yeah...we never stopped thinking about you that whole time we were in
danger....you were the most important person in our minds!
DOT: (Rolling her eyes) What about that female lifeguard?
WAKKO: Well, can't we think about *two* women at the same time?!
WONDER WOMAN: (Flatly) I'm *flattered*... (Drops them on the floor, with Reggie doing
the same to Dot)
AXEL: (Walking up, looking a bit exhausted) About (bleep)in' time I caught up with you!
Those crazy puppy-(bleep)s are wilder than...uh....than....
YAKKO: Party night at Al Gore's house?
VOICE: (From behind the group, sounding a bit monotone) I do throw the best parties, I
(They all turn around, and see none other than Al Gore himself's standing there,
looking as unanimated and stiff as ever)
SLAPPY: AAAH! Must be more recycled stock footage that brat's sent after us! (Whips out
a big wad of explosives and moves towards the Veep, but is held back by Axel)
AXEL: STOP! No way that's (bleep)in' stock footage!
YAKKO: I dunno...look at that stiff motion...the stilted dialogue...that lifeless,
robotic look...sounds like stock footage to me!
AXEL: I'm tellin' ya, it's *not*!
SLAPPY: Ah, ferget it...I'm not gonna waste premium-grade explosives on some stock
GORE: But I *am* the real Al Gore! I was just here to give some speech on TV!
SLAPPY: Yeah, sure bub... (They all walk off down the hallway...)
AXEL: He's the real deal!
SLAPPY: No way...did you see how jerkily he moved his hands? That *had* to be stock
AXEL: But he got a *bit* excited over our callin' him that! He had to be real!
(They continue this debate, as Al Gore slumps off, and pouts, mumbling "But I *do*
throw the most exciting parties...*really*...")
(Cut to the villains' lab, where we see Stewie's called all the "troops" back
in one spot)
STEWIE: (Pointing at a monitor showing the massive group of heroes) Look at this! Do
you see what I see? They're walking right towards the master control room! Tannen, how
could you let those Warners escape?!
BIFF: Uh...they had this? (Holds up his "Pikachu" doll)
STEWIE: (Mocking) Oh, that's cute, I'll remember to buy it off you (Irate) AFTER I TEAR
YOUR BRAIN OUT AND USE IT AS AN ERASER! Now see here---
MURDOCH: (Interrupting) Hey, Stewie...
STEWIE: Yes, Rupert?
MURDOCH: I'm getting pretty tired of all this playing around...I think it's time to
move our plan into its final stages!
STEWIE: You don't mean...?
MURDOCH: Yes, I do...the *FINAL CONFRONTATION*! (Dum-dum-duuummm...)
STEWIE: Oh, really...do you think it's time for *that* quite just yet? I mean, so far,
we've only sent our thugs after those losers about 4 or 5 times, chased them halfway
across the country, finished setting up the Tesla Death Ray....waitaminute, you're
*right*! (Claps his hands, and grins) Oh, goody! This is the best part of these stories!
Like an ancient Greek tragedy...a Shakespearean play...the last episode of the
"Fugitive", the inevitable final showdown between good and evil! Only *this*
time, the winner of this grudge match shall be---EVIL! (DUm-dum-duuuumm...we see Stewie's
eyes shift back and forth rapidly...)
MURDOCH: Very good, then...(To Dr. P) It's time to launch Operation Media Saturation!
DR. P: Vewy well, Mr. Murdoch!
(Meanwhile, we cut to our Heroes, who've finally reached the empty main control center
of Stewie and Murdoch...the minute the Warners enter, though, they begin racing around in
a typical frenzy...with zany music playing, we see Yakko tossing a list of approved
"Simpsons" celebrities into a shredder, Wakko unraveling various cassettes of
"COPS" episodes, and Dot is busy pressing buttons like mad on the main
BRAIN: (Annoyed) Stop this at once! We don't have time for this mindless nonsense...we
must make sure that Stewie's operations are rendered ineffective once and for all!
YAKKO: What d'ya think we're doin?
BRAIN: Behaving like normal?
BRAIN: (Rolling his eyes) Very well, then...you may continue...
(Pan over to Dot, who's busy deleting files from the main computer...Yakko and Wakko
WAKKO: Faboo! See if they can pick up the CBC---I wanna watch the Olympics!
AXEL: Aw, c'mon...I can watch the (bleep)in' CBC from my house in Detroit! The
advantages of livin' near the Canadian border and all...
DOT: Can we watch it at your house, then, after this all blows over?
AXEL: I dunno...
WAKKO: Aw, but it'll be *live*!
YAKKO: We'll make a big party of it!
WARNERS: PLEEEEZE?! (They make really big eyes at Axel)
AXEL: ACK! OK, OK! All of you (bleep)s can watch it at my house...but you're payin' for
PINKY: Oooh, goody goody! Can we get the food from---
BRAIN & SLAPPY: *NO*!
(Cut back to the Warners at the computer...they continue deleting files...)
DOT: Hmm..."All Files Pertaining to CGI imagery for Jar Jar Binks"?
WAKKO: (Presses "Delete") Bye, bye!
DOT: (Reading the screen) "Plans to change the name of the L.A. Dodgers to 'L.A.
SLAPPY: (Makes a face) Wanna bet? (Presses "Delete" herself)
WAKKO: (Grins broadly) Faboo!
(Suddenly, we see all the monitors change to the image of Stewie and Murdoch...)
DOT: Whoa...talk about your ugly test patterns...(tries changing channels, but the
image remains the same)
BULLWINKLE: What's goin' on?
MAGOO: (Squinting at the screen) Yeah...I thought Sam Donaldson came on in the evening!
WENDY: Must be part of the bad guys "master plan"...
NARRATOR: A guess our WGN employee couldn't have been more dead on about, for fading
back to the villains...
STEWIE: (In front of a camera, which leads to a massive communications array hooked up
to the Tesla Death Ray) Um, is this thing on? Testing, one two three...*People of the
Unites States*! Rupert Murdoch and I have taken over every television channel in the
country! Every television and radio station from this moment on shall feature *our*
presence! No one will be able to avoid our massive conglomerate's influence! And if anyone
dares protest, as those of you in the Hoosier State and New York City have seen earlier,
our Tesla Death Ray is capable of demolishing any foolish hopes of retaliation! Yes, this
time, Stewie Griffin has *won*! Now, then, first, I'll---
(Suddenly, the door bursts open, and we see all the Heroes enter; the mice are still
inside of Stocktron)
WONDER WOMAN: First, you'll release control of the nation's media!
ROCKY: Hokey smoke! Murdoch and Stewie!
BORIS: (Stepping into sight, with all the other hired foes...Mikey tucks his talcum
powder into his belt) And of course, yours truly....
BULLWINKLE: Gee, now that everyone's here, I guess it's time for one of those Final
Confrontation thingamajigs, huh?
YAKKO: Already? Gee, we had so much more mindless stalling to do! Like...aaaaaah....
WAKKO: (Trying to help) Yeah! Like, uh, er....
DOT: (Trying to help) Uh...er....well...
SLAPPY: I think we've run outta things to do...besides, I've been itching for this
moment for this whole thing! (to Murdoch) You've got a lot of nerve, tryin' to make me
look unstable! (Whips out some explosives) Do I *LOOK* unstable to you chumps?! Well, *DO
I*?! (Her cohorts look at her) (Tucks her explosives back into her purse) Er....rhetorical
question? (All roll their eyes)
STEWIE: The dimwitted moose was correct! It *is* time for a Final
Confrontation...and *this* time, the villain *shall* prevail! We've already managed
to take over the entire nation's media, Murdoch still owns control over most of
Griffinopolis...and I've got my Tesla Death Ray poised to take control of all of
PINKY: Um, whys that? TROZ!
STEWIE: (Snidely) So I can take over the rest of this nation of TV-watching,
media-addicted addlebrained denizens through my iron fist, *that*'s why! Once said city
and all its corrupted politicians are under my sway, I shall force them to make *me*
leader of the United States! And from there, I'll use the Tesla Death Ray's might in
conjunction with the U.S. military's forces to conquer the rest of this fetid planet!
AXEL: What?! How *dare* you try to influence (bleep)in' Congress before I have a chance
to get in there to influence em first?! You're goin' down hard, ya (bleep)!
BILLIE: For once, I agree with Axel! That "Pinky" trick of yours just bought
you a heap of trouble!
SLAPPY: Yeah..."Trouble" with a *T*, as in *TNT*!
REST: (Mumble irately in agreement)
BRAIN: (Irate) This plan of yours is *sick*! There's no way we're allowing *you* to
place all of Earth under your totalitarian thumb!
STEWIE: Oh, *please*...you'd do the same thing if you were in my place!
BRAIN: Hardly...(Growing more and more upset) My desires to take over the Earth are
based on far more altruistic reasons than your own! If I'm ruler, all of humanity's
problems would be resolved...along with ensuring for the well-being of...of...(Glances at
Billie and Pinky) ...the ones I..."tolerate". Though we have our disagreements,
and as much as some of them have driven me up the proverbial wall (glances at the Warners
and Axel) I still hold their dreams and hopes with more respect than *you've* ever shown
for anyone other than yourself! What do you plan to do once you've taken over the Earth?
Do *you* plan to actually do anything positive for anyone *you*...."tolerate",
or share anything with them in anyway? Or do you just plan on behaving in a manner
befitting your chronological age and one-dimensional persona?
(The other heroes look stunned by this heartfelt speech of Brains...)
DOT: Gee, Brain...nice speech...did ya really mean that about us?
BRAIN: (Nervously) Well, I...er...may have said a few things in the heat of the
moment....(Coughs into his fist) But the meaning of my message is clear! Well, Stewie,
what do you have to *say* for yourself?
(We see the heroes glare at Stewie, who looks stunned by this thoughtful
speech...however, his stunned expression soon gives way to his usual angry look)
STEWIE: (Irate) How *DARE* you believe I should actually *SHARE* such power with anyone
but myself! The only thing I plan on sharing with the Earth's other 6 billion people is
*PAIN*! And more *PAIN*! And eternal reruns of "Parker Lewis Can't Lose"!
BRAIN: Just as I expected...the response of someone written for such a one-dimensional
television program that ripped off various elements of existing shows! You myopic,
STEWIE: Addlebrained rodent!
BRAIN: Dimensionally singular spoonfed infant!
STEWIE: Cranially-excessively-sized mouse!
PINKY: Uh....really really bad baby? POIT!
STEWIE: That's it! I've had enough of this...it's time for you all to *DIE*! On a
nationwide broadcast no less!
ROZ: You're airin' this on TV?
MURDOCH: Of course...think of the ratings! "Media exec and infant eliminates
annoying characters"! This'll more than make up for that "Who Wants to Marry a
Multi-millionaire" fiasco! And there'll be plenty of clips to rebroadcast on
"World's Deadliest Final Confrontations"!
(Murdoch presses a few buttons, and we see cameras activate all around the
facility...on TV sets across the country, the image of this Final Confrontational meeting
BRAIN: Very well, then...let this showdown *commence*! (Narrowing his eyes at Stewie)
You in particular I shall face myself!
STEWIE: Very well, then...in the other room?
BRAIN: Fine...(To Billie and Pinky) I think it'd be best if you stayed here...
PINKY: But Brain, we wanna help you!
BILLIE: Yeah...you might need it against this guy!
BRAIN: Help the others take care of Murdoch and these thugs...I wish to settle Stewie
*myself*! Besides, this *could* get ugly, and I dont want you to risk being hurt!
BILLIE: I think the rest of the guys can handle these losers...besides, I helped build
this thing! (Glares at Stewie) And I owe this kid somethin *big*...
PINKY: Yeah, and I helped do its nails, POIT! Oh, *please*?!?
BRAIN: (Sigh) Oh, very *well*, then...(uses his arms to lift the mice and put them into
the extra seats) Let us proceed with this final grudge match... (the mice and Stewie exit)
NARRATOR: Well, this looks like the end, everybody...a nationwide broadcast of epic
final confrontational proportions! Will the heroes be able to defeat Stewie, Murdoch, the
hired goons, and the might of the Tesla Death Ray? We'll find out in:
FINAL CONFRONTATION CRAM SESSION, or: PLEASE PICK UP YOUR #2 DEATH RAY!
(Commercials play promoting the WBs prime-time shows...we see that Terry McGinnis
in full Bat-gears scheduled to show up on "Dawsons Creek"...we see
recycled stock footage of him and Oblique from "Batwarners Beyond" slapping
around the various teenyboppers for undefined reasons...cut back to the story...)
(Open on an overhead shot of the heroes squaring off against the villians in the Death
Ray room. Spaghetti western-style music plays in the background, with the whole scene
DOT: (Admiring the black bars on the top and bottom of the screen) Oooh, nice
AXEL: So who wants to (bleep)in draw first? (To Boris) Lets get this
(bleep) on, then, ya (bleep) Cold War reject (bleep)s!
YAKKO: (Imitates Eastwood) Yeah...you feeling lucky, *punk*?!
BORIS: Raskolnikov, no! I am, how you say, lover, not fighter! Coward, too---*bye*!
(Turns to run off)
NATASHA: *Boris Badenov*, you would turn and run away during a Final
BORIS: Beh-heh-heh...I am professional villain! What do you think?
NATASHA: I think...that youd run off from comedian policeman when chips are down?
BORIS: Beh-heh-heh---youre right! (Runs off)
NATASHA: Wait, Boris, cowardly dahlink! I am coming with you! (She follows him to a
door in the rear.)
NARRATOR: But before these Bolshevik baddies can reach the back door, Rocky goes into
action! Zooming low over a tabletop, he seizes some industrial-strength power cable and
whirls around the villianess vixen in a counterclockwise pattern, thereby tying up loose
WAKKO: Faboo! Just like in the movie! (Axel stares at Wakko, then shakes his head)
ROCKY: (finishing up tying NATASHA) Get Boris, Bullwinkle!
BULLWINKLE: How, Rock?
ROCKY: Good Posonby Britt, I don't know! Use your head!
NARRATOR: Which he does. (BULLWINKLE charges towards BORIS head-first, and slams him so
hard into the wall his antlers stick, as well as trapping BORIS' wrists securely between
BORIS: (slumping and weeping openly) I hope Fearless Leader does not catch wind of
ROCKY: Brilliant, Bullwinkle!
BULLWINKLE: Jumping gee-horsefat, my head hurts.
DR. PHRANKENSTEIN: (glances about furtively) Things are going sour for us, Mr. Squeak.
Wet us take our weave. (SQUEAK squeaks in agreement, and the two make for a quick exit.)
NARRATOR: But before the bad doctor can reach safety, she finds her path blocked by
Wonder Woman's Amazonian bulk!
WONDER WOMAN: (looks into camera, eyebrow raised) "Amazonian bulk"?
NARRATOR: (nervous) Um... I just read the copy, lady. Don't kill the messenger...'kay?
WONDER WOMAN: (dismisses the possible crack concerning her weight) You're under arrest
for conspiring with known felons to commit slander, libel, murder, and global domination
using illegal technology. Not to mention the dozens of outstanding warrants on you from
the ASPCA for your experiments involving splicing dog brains.
DR. P.: (sobs) Oh, be merciful, Amazon goddess! (mournful violin music plays) I wasn't
always wike this! I was a sweet wittle girl! It all started when I was six and my puppy
Mr. Schnapps died! So I spwiced his bwain with an electwic can opener! (pauses) He wasn't
too bwight after
that--but he was the only dog on the bwock who could open a can with his teeth!
WONDER WOMAN: (Revulsed) Fascinating. (ties DR. P. and SQUEAK up with her lasso.)
MR. SQUEAK: Squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak!
WONDER WOMAN: What did he say?
DR. P.: He says, don't worry--you don't look fat in that costume!
NARRATOR: (befuddled) I never said that--I mean, that is--aagh! Skip it! (camera pan to
SLAPPY and AXEL, whore facing MIKE and BIFF. SLAPPY isn't impressed by her foes.)
SLAPPY: Get this--Tweedledum and Tweedle-crud-for-brains. (chuckles) Have a party
favor, mooks. (tosses a bomb with a burning fuse. BIFF and MIKE emit girlish shrieks of
fear and protect their faces with their hands. The bomb explodes in a colorful burst of
streamers and a jack-in-the box SLAPPY pops out. BIFF and MIKE exhale with relief. Then a
pink gas shoots out of the mouth of the toys head, enveloping them. A strain of
"Beautiful Dreamer" plays as the two goons lose consciousness, clonking their
heads together as they slump to the floor.)
SLAPPY: (to ROZ and WENDY) Old gag, new twist.
AXEL: What, no explosives? (Tauntingly) Whats the matter, losin your
*touch*? (Staccato laugh)
SLAPPY: Nah, just didnt feel like wastin em on these two losers...but here,
have one on me... (Tosses a bomb into Axels hands, which explodes in short order,
leaving Axel looking dazed and smoldered)
AXEL: (Annoyed) *That* was un(bleep)in called for!
SLAPPY: No, but *this* is... (hands Axel *another* explosive, which explodes, leaving
Axel even *more* smoldered...he utters a few choice expletives, before storming off...)
(ROZ and WENDY cuff the two sleeping uglies' hands behind their backs.)
WENDY: So this is police work?
ROZ: Well, this and the free doughnuts. Care for an application?
(ROZ and WENDY shake hands, smiling.)
(Zip-pan over to REGGIE, cornering MOE.)
REGGIE: Come quietly, bar-man. I don't feel like dirtying my knuckles on a piece of
dung like you.
MOE: I'm dung, huh? Well, take this, fella! (smashes a beer bottle over REGGIE's head.
REGGIE is annoyed but unfazed. Whining:) Ah, geez...it always works on the Three Stooges!
(REGGIE seizes MOE's collar, and the camera pans away, so as not so show the violence
of this thorough pummeling, suggested by the smacks and screams....)
(Cut to MURDOCH, whos leaning over to address YAKKO, WAKKO, and DOT.)
WAKKO: (Whispering) We arent gonna drop "a few surprises" on this guy
like what we did to M*ckey in the original "Warner Academy" story, are we?
YAKKO: (Whispering) *Nah*...but watch this!
MURDOCH: You little--ah--whatevers can't defeat me.
DOT: And what makes you say that, handsome? (blinks coquettishly)
MURDOCH: Because you're children. And because (indicating the machinery to the Death
Ray) Ive got an ace in the hole!
YAKKO: Re-hee-heeeee-lly? I've got *two* Aces. (reaches fingers into the tops of his
gloves and whips out two dogs who look like Ace from "Batman Beyond", who
proceed to maul Murdoch off-camera. Much ripping and growling and screaming is heard,
while the Warners make faces at all this carnage.)
DOT: He used to be a winner--
YAKKO: --now he's just the doggy's dinner. (Does a bit of a double-take at this
DOT: (To the camera) Hey, it rhymed.
YAKKO: (To the camera) We dont write em, we just say em.
DOT: Unfortunately for us...Im still tryin to figure out the meaning of
that "can we share a pie with Newt Gingrich" line from the *original* story...
WAKKO: (Whining) Oh, please don't mention food. I haven't eaten in twenty minutes.
(lifts his shirt to show his ribs)
MURDOCH (In a fight cloud with the two dogs): Please--call them off! *GAAH*! I--I give
up!! YAAAAH! You win! Oh, for the love of Peg Bundy, *PLEASE*! AAARGHH!
(The Warners whistle for the dogs to cease their attack, and the canines do
so...Murdoch looks decidedly worse for wear, as the letterbox effect disappears.)
REGGIE: Ha, ha. Well, I was saving this for myself, but you boys deserve it. (Reg
reaches into his back pocket, and takes out a "McGriffin's" barbecue rib
sandwich, divides it, and gives half to each dog. WAKKO slavers profusely, eyeballs
shrinking to dots, as he sees the sandwich halves pass by him.)
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, the myopic billionare Magoo has wandered over to the Tesla Death
Ray, and seems to be within a button's push of annihilation!
MAGOO: (mumbling to self) Well, well, what have we here? Oh, these confounded
new-fangled microwave ovens! (mistaking the device's fuel intake chamber for an oven, he
opens the door and removes a chunk of kryptonite-like rock from it, then reaches into his
suitcoat and takes out a bag of marshmallows. P.O.V. shot of bag with word MARSHMALLOWS
clearly written upon it.) Ah, delicious. Popcorn! Ha, ha! Oh, Magoo, you're a hungry one,
yes, you are. (inserts the bag and presses some buttons on the console. It hums to life.)
(All look over at Magoo, and scream)
ROZ: Mr. Magoo! No! That isn't what you think it is! Stop!
MAGOO: Eh? (squints at them) Am I overcooking my popcorn? (The Death Ray is
activated--but since its fuel chamber is loaded with marshmallow fluff, all it does is
glow overbrightly, make a thick flatulent-esque noise, smoke, spit some sparks, and then
overheat and die. Melted marshmallow drips out of the device's coils. EVERYONE gathers to
shake MAGOO's hand and congratulate and hug him; he looks thoroughly confused but pleased.
WAKKO falls to eating the fluff greedily with both hands; "Mama's Little Baby Likes
Shortening Bread" plays.)
REGGIE: OK, Rupert...youre finished! Now sign over all that bought-out property
of yours to Mr. Magoo here, or Ill have to get rough with *you*!
WENDY: Really...you should be ashamed!
DOT: (Irate) Yeah...it was *your* network that aired "Tiny Toons",
"Animaniacs", "Taz-Mania", that "Plucky Duck Show" thing,
"Batman: the Animated Series", and those Merrie Melodies cartoons! Our shows
helped your networks childrens programming division get its firm footing, and
*this* is how you repay us?! For *shame*... (Melodramatically touches her hand to her
head) Well, this is *one* girl thats not watching the "Simpsons" any
WAKKO: But I thought you stopped watching that show when you said it was getting
"dumber than that Critters episode of Batman"
DOT: (Whispering) Dont think this is the time to bring that up, Wakko.
MURDOCH: Hmph...well, youre just *one* viewer...I doubt any of our loyal viewers
of such fine shows as "When Gas Tanks Explode" will cease watching! (Speaks into
one of the cameras still on) Do you hear me?! Youll *never* bring yourselves to
change the channel! As long as I keep feeding this stuff to you, Ill still *win*!
ROZ: (Sighs) Well, it is your right to air whatever you want, thanks to the First
Amendment, even if you show such flagarant abuse of it in the name of makin a
buck...but still, youre still going to sign over control of Chicago to us!
MURDOCH: Ha, and if I refuse?
YAKKO: Well, then, well just have to resort to every old gag in the book to stop
DOT: As if we hadnt resorted to those old gags enough as is *anyway*...
MURDOCH: (Nervously) I say... (Suddenly looks irate) I wont do it! Ive come
too far to actually lose *control*! Now Id suggest you keep your distance, because
Ive got---a *bomb*! (Presses a button on a console, and instantly, recycled stock
footage of a dinky cartoon bomb materializes in his hand)
SLAPPY: Please, thats not a bomb... (Whips out a premium-grade ACME explosive 10
times the size of Murdochs bomb) THATS a bomb! (Tosses it to Murdoch, and it
explodes, leaving Murdoch looking 10 times as smoldered as Axel was; resignedly) OK...you
*win*...Ill sign. (Magoo holds out the contract, and Murdoch signs it before passing
SLAPPY: (Chuckles) Now *that*s...a Final Confrontation.
MURDOCH: (to himself, as Axel and Reggie grab hold of his arms) I was a fool to
associate myself with that boy. I've gambled away a mutibilliondollar empire--and for
what? A glorified campfire to toast marshmallows!
AXEL: Well, I hear that Joliet, Illinois is pretty nice this time of year....especially
(A pan of the heroes enjoying the fruits--er, marshmallows--of their labor. However,
while this celebration goes on, we cut to the main control room just moments earlier...we
see the lab mice and Stewie, inside their respective robots, are standing at opposite ends
of the room...they squint their eyes at each other, preparing for this part of the Final
STEWIE: So, it has come to this...the proverbial "showcase showdown", the
"ultimate game", the slugfest to end all slugfests----the *FINAL
CONFRONTATION*! Televised across the country, no less!
(Cut to some average guy's living room...namely, the "average guy" seen
earlier on during the WGN segment...)
AVERAGE GUY: Gee, first Fox tells us that those guys are violent and evil, then in that
WGN interview thingy that they *aren't*, *NOW* they're fightin' in one a 'those Final
whatsits...mind...overloading....too...much...contradicting...data...(glances off to the
side of the couch) oooh, RC Cola! (Begins drinking it down) Aaaah...the soothing
relief of Americas third-favorite cola beverage...
(Cut back to the two geniuses)
BILLIE: (Angry) Time to take care of you once and for all, you little brat! After that
cruel trick, Im going to show you a thing or three...
BRAIN: Indeed, this *is* the end; it's all over, Stewie! We've already wiped out all
your data, including all of your sinister backup plans. And as you'll see on those
monitors, it seems as if my allies have put the finishing touches on Murdoch, your hired
goons, *and* the Tesla Death Ray...(pan over to see that the heroes are leading the
defeated foes out of the facility...)
STEWIE: (Glancing at this) WHAT?! *NOOOO*! *BLAST IT ALL TO A THOUSAND WRETCHED INNER
CIRCLES OF (BLEEP)!* That's it...I demand *vengeance*! No, wait...(Glances slyly at Brain)
Ah, Brain...I know I've done a myriad of nasty things to you during this outing, but after
seeing Rupert fail to aid me in my scheme, what say I were to team up with another
BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow) *What*?
STEWIE: OK, OK, just hear me out...um, what if I were to promise you control of half
the world in exchange for your assistance in my backup plan?
BRAIN: *What* backup plan?
STEWIE: Namely, this one! (Presses a button...we see on the monitors the Tesla Death
Ray ruins flips under the floor on one of those turner-things, and a *NEW* Tesla Death Ray
emerges...the mice look shocked)
BRAIN: You had *ANOTHER* Death Ray all this time?! But...but....
STEWIE: Of course! I had a feeling this one might be destroyed, so I made a spare...it
was "2 parts for the price of 1" day down at Home Depot...so what say you,
Brain? I won't end your miserable existence if you'll lend a hand...*and* I'll even let
you name who you'd like to get rid of first!
BRAIN: "Get rid of"?!
STEWIE: You know, kill, exterminate, that sort of thing, hmm? So, what do you say?
BRAIN: I still say you're *sick*! As if I hadn't made my point clearly enough earlier
on, I don't wish to kill *anyone* or see permanent harm come to anyone's way in order to
take over the world! Seeing someone die in order for me to become world ruler isn't worth
it! Unlike you, I still harbor some ethics...
STEWIE: Oh, *really*? That's not how it sounded when I used that footage of you talking
about "snubbing Pinky" or "if anyone stands in your way, I'll teach *them*
BRAIN: (Nervously) Well, I, uh...
PINKY: He didnt mean it, you mean baby! Uh...did you, Brain?
BRAIN: Well, I---
STEWIE: (Interrupting) Admit it...you'd be just as willing as I am to do *anything* to
get control of the Earth...so, why not team up with me, then? I admire such ruthlessness
in a potential partner!
BRAIN: (Overcomes his nervousness) *NO*! I admit I've lost my patience with Pinky on
occasion, *and* expressed frustrations over not being able to achieve my goals, but I
still hold my acquaintances with more respect than you've even given your own mother on
that awful show of yours! Plus, I plan to rule the world in a benevolent manner...
STEWIE: But what about your stating "surrender quietly and no one gets hurt"?
HA! Sounds like you're not that far removed from myself, my friend...
BRAIN: Hardly! (Sounding muted) I admit I've said some things I've come to
regret...including that, I suppose...but overall, my standards are what you've seen...I
won't succumb to barbaricness to take over the Earth, or rule it in such a selfish manner
as you would! My answer is still *no*, my "friend"...
(Pinky and Billie cheer)
STEWIE: Oh, blast this attempt to reason with you! I guess I'll just have to finish you
off right here... (Presses a few buttons, and Griffino lurches forward...)
BRAIN: Very well, then... (presses a few buttons, and Stocktron lurches ahead
jerkily...the two robots break out into a running motion, and leap into the air towards
each other, with that Pokemon-esque streaked-lines-effect in the background....rock music
plays in the background. The two being clash, and begin to pound each others' armor with
STEWIE: Surrender, Brain! I have the tactical advantage! My golem is stronger, more
well-assembled, *and* is deadlier than yours!
BRAIN: (Struggling to pull a lever in an attempt to put Stewie/Griffino in a choke
hold) Hardly...*nnh*! (Pants) Must...stop...you..for..sake...of...world! (Finally pulls
his lever, putting his arm around Stewie's booster-chair seat...however, Stewie motions
for his robot to kick Brain's robot in the chest, sending "Stocktron" sprawling
back into a wall...Brain looks a bit dazed, with his "hair" messed up a la
"Welcome to the Jungle". His passengers also look similarly frayed.)
STEWIE: Ah, Brain...no wonder that delightful hamster you faced constantly in your TV
show enjoyed sparring with you! Oh, wait...you don't *have* a TV show anymore, do you? Ha!
While *my* show's just been renewed thanks to Murdoch for another season! It's in
prime-time, in a much better timeslot than your Nickelodeon-exiled reruns, *and* will be
sure to garner me another Emmy! I'm sure in time, I'll be the "tiny genius baby"
who'll be remembered, while *you* wallow in the same realm of forgottenness as a myriad of
other "kidvid" creations! (Pulls a few levers, and recycled stock footage of a
rope appears next to Griffino's arm) But I'm sure you'll at least get a nice postmortem
marathon by that wretched "Rugrats" network once I'm done... (Pulls the rope,
and we hear an anvil begin to fall...)
BRAIN: (Thinking) Must do something quickly...(glances at the monitors showing the
Tesla Death Ray) That's it!
BILLIE: Whats it?
BRAIN: I have a plan...lets move!
(Presses a few buttons, and we see the stock footage of Stocktron jerkily race towards
the door leading to the facilities' lab, just as recycled stock footage of an anvil clangs
down where Brain was a moment earlier...Stewie utters a "BLAST!", and begins
pursuing Brain/Stocktron into the next room, firing lasers from Griffino's fingers all the
(Fade to the next room a few moments later, where we see Brain's at the controls of the
Tesla Death Ray...using Stocktron's hands, he's typing into the control panel some sort of
BRAIN: (Typing) There must be some way to install a self-destruct sequence that'll
destroy both this laser *and* the facilities, ending that brat's plans for good!
BILLIE: Let me handle that... (hops out of the robot, and begins jumping on the
VOICE: (From off-screen) This "brat"'s only plans are for you to be welcomed
to the next cemetary! Ha! (Presses a few buttons, and Griffino's arms whip out from behind
it a giant bazooka) Now, then, prepare to perish, you!
BRAIN: Very well, then...but *first*...a little, er..."musical number".
STEWIE: *What* musical number?!
(Brain presses a button on a console, and we see recycled stock footage of the Warners
singing and dancing emerge from behind a panel...along with footage of Pinky and Sylvester
dancing in place...we hear cheesy rock music break out, a la the infamous KWB promos)
BRAIN: While I hate these recycled promos as much as anyone else, for once the footage
from them may come in handy...*HIT IT*!
(We see the "Warners", "Pinky", and "Sylvester" dance so
closesly to Stewie that the "Warners"'s constant fingers-poking-in-the-air and
the dancing-back-and-forth motions of Sylv/Pinky cause Stewie to be knocked
off-balance...the characters begin dancing all over the toppled Rhode Islander despot)
STEWIE: Stop it! Stop I say! *GAAAAH*! BLAST! (Stewie presses a few buttons, and we see
Griffino get back up with a vengeance...he aims its bazooka at the dancing figures, and
demolishes them into 27 zillion particles of dust) Now then, where was I? Ah, yes....your
BILLIE: Not so fast, football-head... (presses a final button)
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Detonation of Tesla Death Ray in one minute....
BILLIE: It's over, Stewie! I've programmed in an auto-destruct sequence in your death
ray's control panel! By the time even your intellect figures out a way to override it,
it'll be too late!
STEWIE: *WHAT*?! That's it...enough fooling around! I will prevail! (Griffino's hand
grabs Brain by the neck, yanking him partially out of the suit, and begins strangling him)
To paraphrase that delightful Faust fellow, do you know what asphyxiation feels like,
Brain? Well, I guess you're about to find out, aren't you?
BRAIN: (Gasping for air) We've got to...get out of here!
STEWIE: Oh, no! If I go down, you're going with me! You've cost me everything, and now,
you're going to *pay*! (Begins laughing insanely)
VOICE: Self-destruct in 45 seconds...
BRAIN: Get out of here, Billie and Pinky---NOW!
BILLIE: No way...Ive got one ace-in-the-hole built into this suit! (To Stewie)
*This* is for trifling with the emotions of a love-smitten mouse, as a close friend of
mine might say...
(Scrambles back up to the "rumble seat", and presses a few control panel
buttons; we soon see an electromagnetic discharge emerge from the suits left arm,
which grasps Stewies suit, and sends both robotic figures clinging to the side of
the Death Ray. Stewies grip on Brains released as a result)
BILLIE: Just magnetized both our suits---sticking us to the side of this ray like---
PINKY: ...that refrigerator magnet thingie I was playing with earlier? POIT!
BILLIE: Yeah...thanks for that idea, Pinky...now lets move!
STEWIE: (Still partially crazed) Ha! Not a chance! Only 10 seconds until detonation! HA
HA! Ill win, Brain, if not in life---in *DEATH*! (Laughs insanely)
BRAIN: HURRY! (The mice activate a few controls in the suit, release themselves from
the side of the ray, and try to move out at top speed, as Stewie/Griffino are still stuck
on the side of the ray)
(Cut to the outside of the WETS station/villains' lair, where we see all the other
characters/captured foes are present...)
DOT: Gee, hope the mice have gotten rid of that brat...
REG: Well, Im sure theyre all ri---
(Suddenly, we see a tremendous explosion wrack the facility, sending smoke spiraling
outward...all the heroes gasp)
DOT: (Gasps) *Brain*...
WAKKO: (Gasps) *Pinky...Billie*...
SLAPPY: (Astonished) Holy son 'a George Foreman....
WONDER WOMAN: Great Hera...
(All the heroes lower their heads in mourning...)
(We soon see, however, some sort of object flying outwards from the smoke...namely,
Stewie himself, still inside what's left of Griffino...)
STEWIE: (Yelling downward) (BLEEP) YOU ALL! I'LL BE BACK! I'LL BEEE BAAAAAACKKKKK....
(Disappears over the horizon)
ROZ: (Glumly) I guess I'd feel like cheerin', if I knew that your little friends were
(Soon, however, we see another figure emerge from the smoke/ruins...namely, the lab
mice themselves, in what's left of Stocktron. Brain in particular looks pretty dishelved,
and is coughing a bit...he climbs out of the ruined robot, and walks slowly towards the
heroes, followed by Pinky and Billie...)
PINKY: Dont forget us, NARF! (All rush over to congratulate the mice)
DOT: Are you OK?
BRAIN: (Coughs) I'm quite all right, Dot...just a little roughed up. Suffice it to say,
that "Griffinopolis" is now and forever forth, no more.
BILLIE: Thanks for letting us help you out there, Eggy! (Hugs Brain, as does Pinky)
BRAIN: I appreciate your assistance, Billie. And I thank you as well, I suppose.
(Suddenly, various police cars and fire trucks pull up, including a police car with
California license plates...we see climbing out is none other than Sgt. Small himself)
SGT. SMALL: There you all are! Congratulations for defeating those villains once and
MURDOCH: (Still in cuffs) Bah! You haven't heard the last of me! I'll be back...with
more reality specials, and even more money to buy even more stuff! No one will be
WENDY: Ick...get 'em outta here... (one of the Chicago officers does so, while others
haul the other hired thugs off as well.)
MOE: Stupid Final Confrontations! Why can't I ever do 'em right?! Youse Warners
are gonna *pay*! Do ya hear me?! I'll get you for wreckin' my bar! Uh, even if I did get
it rebuilt and all... (The officer shoves his head into the back of the car)
SGT. SMALL: Now then, I suppose a reward would be in order...
SGT. SMALL: (Irate) ...*would* be, that is, if you all hadn't spent so much of the
academy's money on this blasted mission! Look at this---(whips out a pile of bills) Bills
for McDonald's fast food stops, pizza parlors, hotels, explosives, Mary Tyler Moore
clothing, anvils, robotic
parts...even items from some sort of outlet mall! (Billie and Pinky look at each other
nervously, and giggle) Not only won't there be any reward, but I suppose I'll have to let
all of you go *and* close the Academy until we rebuild our funds!
WAKKO: Aw, there goes another job...
DOT: That's OK, we still have Axel's campaign...so this time, we *arent* ending
another story back in the unemployment line...
AXEL: That's (bleep)in' right! And you (bleep)s can start helpin' me right now!
YAKKO: Sure...we've got that Olympics-watching party to throw back at your place!
DOT: Don't you remember? Big party...big screen TV...(glances at Reg; dreamily) big
*hunks*... (Reg gulps)
WAKKO: Yeah, you promised! (Begins making a sad face)
AXEL: AAH! Cut it out! Thats (bleep)in sick! OK, well throw a
(bleep)in party, already...sheesh...
WARNERS: YAAAY! (Begin singing) Were going to have a party, were going to
have a party! (Dash into Axels car, and begin fighting over who gets to ride
shotgun; sounds of Mr. Magoo from inside said car complaining about "bizarre dogs
crawling all over him" can be heard from off-screen. Axel starts to look upset, then
figures the "shotgun" bit was sort of funny and emits a staccato laugh.)
(Axel and the rest of the heroes bid Sgt. Small farewell, and climb into their seperate
cars/the invisible jet...they drive/fly off for Axel's pad in Detroit for the final
celebration...we hear the strains of an A! variation of the "Beverly Hills Cop"
theme, and hear some of the characters arguing...)
BRAIN: No, we are *not* ordering food from that restaurant! Order something else!
WAKKO: OK...uh, how about food from *every other* restaurant?
PINKY: Can we stop off at that outlet mall before we leave Griffinop---er, Chicago?
Billie and I need to, uh, pick up some, er, stuff that we bought...
BILLIE: (Nervously) Uh....yeah....
BRAIN: Very well... (sighs) At least we defeated that brat, Stewie. I suppose some
reward is in order for ourselves. Besides, it looks as if all this effort only merely
restored our names with the public...it failed to actually allow me to gain *enough*
popularity to take over the world! After this brief celebratory dinner, we must return to
the Lab and pursue a new plan for global domination!
BILLIE: Yeah, I guess, Eggy...as long as I get to do what I want to do, remember?
BRAIN: Of course. If theres one thing I learned from all this, its that I
hope never to become as selfishly one-dimensional as that infernal brat was...he actually
offered me a share of his power if Id help him take over the world! Including
stating that I could "eliminate" whoever I wished once I was granted half his
ROZ: Whoa...so did you....?
BRAIN: Of *course* I said "no", Rosalyn. As I stated to him repeatedly, I
wish not to rule in such a manner as he does, since, aside from not wishing to kill to
achieve my goals, I actually have respect for the desires of the ones
*I*..."tolerate". (Glances at Billie and Pinky, who both smile) Something I
sometimes forget, I suppose, but still an aspect I hold to a far higher degree than that
incorrigible little monster does. Stewies attitudes and mechanizations were truly
horrific...on a Wally Faust level, I must say. Needless to say, I wont be forgetting
this outing anytime soon.
BILLIE: Agree with ya on that "Wally Faust" comparison... (Shudders) After
playin with my emotions like that, *I* wont be forgettin Stewie too soon
either. Well, dont worry, Eggy...no matter what happens, youll always have me
and Pinky to back you up...and keep you in check, if needed! (Smiles) Sorry if I was a bit
harsh with you earlier, though...I didnt mean to sound mean or anythin...
BRAIN: Its OK, Billie...I suppose some things needed to be stated.
BILLIE: Thanks, Eggy...
PINKY: (Sniffing) Im so happy...this is just like the end of that two-part
episode of "Whos the Boss"! Oh, Brain! (Hugs Brain tightly; Brain gasps
for air, while Billie giggles...pan over to Rocky and Bullwinkle.)
ROCKY: Gee, Bullwinkle, looks like we did it...another successful mission!
BULLWINKLE: Yeah....too bad we didn't get the name of those lifeguards, though...I was
hopin' they'd refer me to be cast for a spinoff!
ROCKY: What spinoff?
BULLWINKLE: What else? *Moosewatch*!
ROCKY: Oh, *Bullwinkle*...
NARRATOR: And as our heroes drive off to celebrate their victory, we leave this story
with much relief that it's all over...until the next fanfic! Don't miss the further
adventures of...Slappy, the Aging Squirrel!
ROCKY: Hey, that's supposed to be *me* they're referring to!
SLAPPY: What can I say? He needed the money, I needed the publicity, so it all worked
out in the end...(tucks a few bills back into her purse) Heh, heh...
(Fade in on Axel's pad in Detroit...all are enraptured by the live Olympics coverage on
Canadian TV...we see piles of food gathered about, with pizzas sitting next to the
Warners, a bowl of walnuts in Slappy's lap, and a pile of Greek food and a bottle of wine
near Wonder Woman...all look contented)
AXEL: Anyone want somethin' else to eat?
ROZ: I can honestly say I'm stuffed...
BULLWINKLE: Me, too! And not by a taxidermist, thank goodness...
SLAPPY: Wanna see how bad NBC's coverin' this?
BRAIN: (Shudders) Please! Their coverage is akin to that slice-and-diced "Kitty
Bunny...Ravioli...Super Friends-y..." *GAARH*! Well, you get the point...
SLAPPY: Fine with me...
WONDER WOMAN: Yes...besides, Greece and the U.S. are about to engage in the women's
400-meter three-legged racing...(does a bit of a take) I didn't even realize that was an
event...guess this CBC coverage *is* thorough...
(Pan to the Warners, watching this coverage on the floor in front of Axel's big-screen
YAKKO: Well, sibs, we've reached the end of another story...we've beaten the baddies,
avoided *most* of the cliches of a sequel, *and* came up with a decent Final
Confrontation! (Tosses a slice of pizza to Ace the Bat-hound, lying nearby; Wakko
briefly looks longingly at the dogs slice)
WAKKO: Uh...yeah! (Grabs a whole pizza, shoves it into his mouth, and swallows) But do
you know what the best part is?
DOT: No, what?
WAKKO: We've got jobs!
DOT: (Grinning slyly) At least until Election Day...
AXEL: (Off-screen) I *heard* that!
YAKKO: Nah, that's not the best part... (jerks his thumb towards something behind
them...they jump up into the air, and soon come back down, with Yakko landing in Wonder
Womans lap, Wakko landing in Wendys lap, and Dot in Reggie's lap...)
DOT: (Ecstatic) The *babe* factor in this story was the *highest* ever!
YAKKO: No foolin'!
(They all plant big kisses on the laps' mortified-looking owners, and yell,
"HELLOOOOO NURSE"! Axel emits a staccato laugh at all this...)
(We cut to a series of still-shots of the characters, with dialogue a la the ending
fates of the original "Warner Academy" story...)
NARRATOR: And that's our story...here are the fates of all the characters:
BRAIN, BILLIE, and PINKY returned most of the items Billie and Pinky purchased to the
outlet mall in Chicago, under Brain's urgings that the Academy could use the money. Upon
Billie's request, Brain did promise to buy Billie the advanced virtual-reality-simulating
SGI supercomputer she longed for for her writing hobby, figuring he may be able to borrow
it for some future world domination planning. Pinky was allowed to keep a plastic soup
"strain-a-majig" from the outlet mall, and $2.98 worth of mint-flavored dental
THE WARNERS returned to their Water Tower in Burbank, under orders from their
campaigning boss AXEL to construct a promotional election website...however, after 3 days,
it soon dawned on the sibs that posting pictures of Axel yelling over the party's bill and
of Axel wearing clothing from Dot's "makeover" wasn't the best way to get
votes...Dot claimed that "I thought political campaigns were supposed to be
honest". Currently, a "whistlestop" tour of Saginaw, Lansing, and Ann
Arbor, Michigan is being planned.
SLAPPY returned to her tree in Burbank, enjoying the salary earned from her "bomb
expert advisor" role for the Academy during this outing.
SGT. SMALL has closed the ACADEMY temporarily due to the characters spendthrift
treatment of academy funds for their mission...until funds rise back to adequate levels,
he plans to spend his time teaching basic policeman investigation tactics and basic
financial budgeting skills at UCLA.
ROZ decided to return to New York City, due to the Academy's financial troubles putting
a temporary hold on her police officer training...she's working as a jujitsu-practicing
REGGIE returned to KVGS-TV in Las Vegas, and earned much respect with his superiors at
the station for his coverage of this epic tale; he's now the head anchorman of the
stations evening news.
WENDY is currently pondering whether or not to enroll in the Academy once it's on solid
ground again...she's returned to her job at WGN-TV in Chicago, and assisting in the
post-Stewie cleanup of the Windy City.
WONDER WOMAN returned to Washington, D.C., and is pondering whether or not to change
her costume to a more flattering skirt instead of a one-piece suit. She's also spent an
inordinate amount of time erasing answering machine messages containing constant calls
from Wakko and Yakko asking if she'll come visit them sometime.
ROCKY and BULLWINKLE returned to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, and are preparing to hype
the release of their ill-fated theatrical movie on video and DVD big-time, in order to
make up for its low box office sales.
AL GORE threw a party in an attempt to prove hes not a piece of recycled stock
footage; however, the only person to show up is someone from Warner Bros. who thought that
Gore really *was* stock footage that escaped from the latest degrading Kids WB promo
thats in the works, a salute to the 2000 presidential race consisting of Bush
dancing in place and looped footage of Gore kissing his wife, all while Big Fat Baby runs
MR. MAGOO turned over the bought-out-from-Murdoch properties to their proper owners,
after a bit of a mixup in thinking that Wrigley Field belonged to the Chicago Bears and
Soldier Field belonged to the Chicago Bulls...
RUPERT MURDOCH was cleared of all charges thanks to his coterie of well-paid lawyers;
you'll see more of his "work" on the next FOX reality-based special,
"Temptation Island 2: Electric Boogaloo"...
The hired goons (MIKEY, MOE, DR. P, SQUEAK, BORIS, NATASHA, and BIFF) were all
eventually sprung by the released Murdoch and his lawyers, Murdoch citing he needed Moe at
least for this fall's big Simpsons episode where Homer and Moe accidentially discover that
they're half-brothers, promting Homer to start up yet another wacky money-making scheme
and randomly yell insults at everyone, including Marge. They've all returned to their
And as for STEWIE...
(Cut to Stewie, who's seated in a Greyhound bus station in East Moline, Illinois, where
he finally landed...we see GRIFFINO, or what's left of him, is sitting next to him...)
STEWIE: (Scowling) *BLAST IT ALL TO A THOUSAND*...no wait, I've already said that line
before once. Oh, no matter...when I get "things back together", as they say, I
*will* take over the world, and make all of those zany cretins *PAY*! (Checks his watch) I
guess our bus back home to Rhode Island will be here shortly... (Pats Griffino) There
there, my mighty golem...you served me well...it's not your fault that wretched Brain
ruined the greatest cybernetic warrior of our time... but don't worry, I'll have you back
in action in no time! I still have someone *else* I can always practice killing off...
(Stewie pulls out a picture of his mother, and glares at it...ominous music plays...)
(Cut to Murdoch's headquarters in New York...we pan through the facility, finding such
aspects as Murdoch fuming over his recent defeat, and finally stop at a small, dingy room,
where we see Peter Griffin's at a typewriter typing...he stops every so often to chuckle
inanely...suddenly, the door bursts open, and we see the real, honest-to-goodness Homer
Simpson walk in, eating a hot dog.)
HOMER: (Talking while eating) Murdoch said he wanted me to look over the new scripts,
and---(Sees Peter, he drops the hot dog and swallows) OH MY GOD! It's *YOU*! (Grows angry)
You're the one who's ripped off all my best stuff! My laugh, my *clothes*, my
overbite...probably even the way I try to find "Where's Waldo?" !!
PETER: (Inane laugh) Now hold on! I'm a very original character! Look at my wonderful
ideas for your new seasons' batch of episodes! (Hands Homer a pile of papers)
HOMER: (Reading through them) "Crayon stuck in brain makes Homer dumb"...
"Homer divides the entire town in half over area codes"... *A HALF BROTHER OF
MOE*?!? (Tears the papers up) That's it! You can't force me to be more like you!
PETER: (Laughs a la Homer) That's because you never noticed...the *poison* you just
drank! (Laughs again)
HOMER: Boy, this guy makes me look like *Lisa*...and I don't want to wear a little red
PETER: That's OK...I won't hold it against you...though you *know too much*! (Looks
HOMER: (Annoyed) What the heck are you talking about?! That's it, I'm outta here...
(Turns to leave)
PETER: (Yelling mockingly) Hey, Homer, here's somethin' for your next season! (Imitates
poorly Mr. Burns) Hmm....still cant recall the name of that, uh, really, really fat
HOMER: (Losing it) Why you *LITTLE*----!! (Jumps on Peter, and begins knocking him
PETER: (Sounding addled) *OOF*! OW! Geez! (Between blows) By the way, are you related
to those kids on "Doug"? Since some of them had purple skin and stuff, I thought
maybe you were related somehow...(Gets punched again by Homer over this insipid remark)
MARGE: (Suddenly at the door, with the rest of the Simpsons brood) HOMER! What are you
HOMER: (Grunting) Just---teaching---this---knockoff---some---*manners*! GRRR!
MARGE: (Looking at the scripts for next fall) Oh, *my*...he's the one who's helped to
come up with all that stuff for us this fall?! Mmmm...no wonder you're upset, honey...
(Homer gets up, and Marge kisses him) Let's go home, and we'll try to forget about this...
HOMER: (Sounding wounded) OK...can we make warm cocoa with little lima beans in it?
MARGE: Sure, why not? (Laughs)
HOMER: Aw, thanks, Marge... (the two kiss)
(The entire Simpsons clan leaves, but is blocked at the door by the Griffin family,
this time with Stewie in tow...ominous/dramatic "Simpsons"-style notes play.)
LOIS: We just saw what you did to my husband, you brute! How *dare* you do such a
thing? Especially just because his ideas were a little "different"?!
MARGE: He made the most tasteless, insensitive remarks about us! And his
"ideas" are garbage!
BART: (Looking at the script) Yeah, man...since when did I become a second cousin to
LISA: (Looking at another script) It says here that I'll suffer amnesia and think I'm
*Krusty the Clown*?! Huh?! And Maggie's hardly even *in* any of these episodes!
MAGGIE: (Sucks sadly on her pacifier)
LOIS: Well, that still doesnt justify your husband beating mine senseless! (Walks
over to Peter, who's by now pretty badly bruised) Honey, are you all right?
PETER: No freakin' way, Lois! Those "Simpsons" punks think they're so hot!
Well, underneath that yellow, I'm sure they're *red*...*red Commies*!
LISA: (Flatly) *What*?!
PETER: You know...yellow paint...red...Communism...it's pretty obvious...isn't it?
Isn't it obvious? Huh? Huh? Isn't it?
CHRIS: (Laughing insipidly) Heh, you guys look like *freaks*! No wonder Bart's bad! His
mom must not be a good mom because she's a *freak*! My mom did a great job on me!
LOIS: Aw, thank you, honey... (To Marge) you know, Chris *does* sort of have a
point...at least my children aren't bad apples like that Bart is... (doesn't see Stewie
unsuccessfully trying to throw a knife at her and missing)
BART: (Annoyed) Mom, can we do that Final Confrontation thingamajig?
HOMER: (Annoyed) Yeah, can we, "Mom"?!
MARGE: Mmmm...I dunno...those things are always so *violent*...
PETER: (To Marge) Whoa, check it out! That's one hot-lookin' freak! Wonder what's
holdin' that green dress up, heh? Maybe I oughta see for myself...just hold still for a
moment, OK? (Moves towards Marges dress while laughing inanely) Heh-heh-heh....say,
you wouldnt have any nude pictures of you on the Internet, would you? I wouldn't
have to touch your dress or nothin then...
MARGE: (Now completely angry) Oh, thats it...Homer? (Homer, now seething with
rage at this, pounces Peter once more; the other Simpsons shrug, and begin to face off
against their Griffin counterparts, with Marge facing Lois, Lisa facing Meg, Bart facing
Chris, and Maggie facing Stewie...the "Dancing Baby" walks by in the hallway,
looks at all this, shrugs, and continues to walk off...that wacky "Simpsons"
riot music plays.)
(We fade out from this scene with the sounds of the Griffins coming out on the losing
side of this not-pointless fight scene...we hear Stewie yelling "Ow! Stop it! Bad
Maggie! Uh...want to see what they've got in store for you next season? Oh, wait---that's
right, *nothing's* in store for you, since youll be appearing less often than a blue
moon! Ha! (Screams) YAAAAH! Not the karate flying kick! (Sounds of Maggie pummelling
Stewie) *GAAAAH*! BLAAAST!!!")
(Cut away to one last epilogue: the obligatory Axel Foley-centered epilogue. We see
Axel standing in his apartment, surveying the damage done by the Olympics-viewing party
sometime after it ended...empty pizza boxes lie everywhere, furniture is overturned, a few
javelins are jabbed into the walls, half-eaten gyros lie in a puddle of walnut cola and
Greek wine, miscellaneous stains cover the walls and carpet, and we see smoke eminating
from the kitchen. Axels TV is playing static. We hear in the background the A!
version of the "Beverly Hills Cop" theme...)
AXEL: (Looks thorougly upset) Awwwww----(BLEEP)! Those (bleep)in Warners are
gonna *pay* for this! Im gonna send that "Tweetys High Flyin
Adventure" (bleep) video to em, and stalk em, and chase em in a
DeLorean, and... (realizes something) wait, what the (bleep) am I sayin?!
Thats what I said at the end of the *last* (bleep)in "Warner
Academy" thing, and it just led to all that stupid future apocalypse (bleep)! Stupid
writers cant even keep track of their own (bleep) continuity and just want to keep
rehashin the same (bleep) jokes... (Yelling skyward) IVE TURNED OVER A NEW
(BLEEP)IN LEAF! GOT IT? (Does his "OK" sign with his fingers) OK! (Grabs a
broom, and tries sweeping up the mess, before realizing that the source of the smoke is a
bigger priority. Axel grabs a fire extinguisher, and heads for the kitchen, as the sounds
of the final orchestra music plays, signalling THE END.)
Yakko/Pinky/Roulette Wheel Clerk:/Pilot #2: Rob Paulsen
Wakko: Jess Harnell
Dot/Billie: Tress MacNeille
Slappy: Sherri Stoner
Brain/Fox Announcer/Pilot #1: Maurice LaMarche
Axel Foley: Eddie Murphy
Roz: Marsha Warfield
Rocky/Natasha: June Foray
Narrator/Bullwinkle/Boris: Keith Scott
Mobs Members/Airplane Passengers: Various Hollywood hopefuls currently employed by
the good people at "Extras 'R' Us"
Sgt. Small: Capt. Caps real-life brother
Fox "Interview" Host: Jerry Springer
Bender: "Bite me, fleshbag!"
Pizza Counter Dude/Stewie Griffin: Seth McFarlane
Rupert Murdoch: Purveyor of 10+ Years Worth of "Cops" episodes
Moe Syzslak: Hank Azaria
Barney Gumble/Homer Simpson: Dan Castellaneta
Biff Tannen: Tom Wilson
Jesse Ventura: himself
Mr. Magoo/Chicago Hotel Clerk: Jim Cummings
Reginald Thompkins: Bernie Mac
Duke: Dazed-and-confused former ambassador to China
Honey: Tired of people asking if shes related to "Peanuts"s Marcie
Dr. Phrankenstein: Adrienne Alexander
Squeak/Ace: Frank Welker
Wendy Franchetti: Debi Mazar
Mikey: Andrew "Dice" Clay
Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Pinky, the Brain, Billie, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Foghorn Leghorn,
Chicken Boo, Big Jake, Dr. Phrankenstein, Squeak, Slappy Squirrel, Beaky Buzzard, Elmer
Fudd, Yosemite Sam, Gossamer, Verminator, Sylvester, Tweety, Warner Bros. Super Stores,
"Animaniacs", "Looney Tunes", "Tiny Toon Adventures",
"Pinky and the Brain", and all related indica © 2000 Warner Bros., used without
Superman, Batman, Ace the Bat-Hound, and all related indica © DC Comics, used without
Axel Foley, Geordi LaForge, "Star Trek" © Paramount Studios, used without
"Mulan" © Disney, used without permission.
Mr. Magoo © UPA, used without permission.
"Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue" © MGM, used without permission.
"The Distinguished Gentleman" © Touchstone Pictures, used without
Duke, Honey, "Doonesbury" © Gary Trudeau/Universal Press Syndicate, used
"Dragnet", Sgt. Joe Friday © Universal Pictures, used without permission.
Stewie Griffin, the Griffin family, Brian, Moe Syzslak, Barney, Homer Simpson,
"The Simpsons", "Futurama", "Family Guy" © Fox, used
Rocky, Bullwinkle, Boris, Natasha, Frostbite Falls, "Rocky and Bullwinkle" ©
Ward Productions, used without permission.
Marcie, "Peanuts" © Universal Press Syndicate, used without permission.
Kentucky Fried Chicken © Pepsico, Inc., used without permission.
McDonalds © McDonalds Corporation, used without permission.
Pokemon © Nintendo, Inc., used without permission.
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" © MTM Productions, Inc./Fox, used without
"99 Red Balloons" by Nena, used without permission.
"The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai In the Eighth Dimension" © 20th Century
Fox, used without permission.
Superman created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.
Batman created by Bob Kane.
Wonder Woman created by William Marston Moulton.
Doonesbury created by Gary Trudeau.
"Peanuts" created by Charles Schulz.
Sgt. Small, Reginald Thompkins, Wendy Franchetti created by Captain Caps.
That Billie/Pinky "Hot-Tub" Hotel Scene:
Given "seal of approval" by the Billie Fan Club