The Histeria! Parody
|(The movie begins. We see opening credits in the sky.)
Scene #1: Stalin's car
(QC to Stalin (played by Joseph Stalin) in his car going through the rain and the wind
toward a mansion that is Soviet House. It is a house that looks like Joseph Stalin's
fortress from "Megalomaniacs". Stalin unlocks the gate and drove in. He stopped
at the door.)
Scene #2: Front Door
(Stalin got out of his car, holding some sort of bag. There are guards dog, both look like
Russian huskies that are guarding the door. They noticed Stalin and jumped at him.
Luckily, Stalin throws a steak at them at the last minute. The dogs ate at the steak like
mad. Stalin descends their chain so they wouldn't reach the door. He started to go toward
the door when he smells something. He sees something at the bottom of his shoes. Don't
ask. He looks annoyed at the dogs, whose aren't paying attention to him; He, still
annoyed, walked in.)
Scene #3: The Hall
(The Hall is just that. A Hall. There are doors leading to other rooms in the mansion.
Left: Lounge and Dining Room. Right: Study, Library, and Billiard Room. At the end:
Conservatory, Ballroom, bathroom (which isn't that important) and the Kitchen. We see by
the staircase is the door to the basement (also isn't that important). The music
"Peace Land and Bread" is heard in the background. Stalin closes the door and
got ridden of "it", and hangs up his coat. The text on the screen reads: New
England, 1954 (after WWII). Stalin heads toward the Library.)
Scene #4: Library
(Look, I don't need to describe every one. So forget it! We see Molly (played by Molly
Pitcher), a beautiful yet French-learn maid, dancing to the music while cleaning a glass.
Stalin, however, came in and turned the radio off.)
Stalin: What in the blazes are you doing?!
Molly: Dancing to the music. Why?
Stalin: You are supposed to be ready when the time comes!
Molly: I am! I am just keeping myself busy!
Stalin: Ridiculous American. Do you at least have your instructions?
Molly: Qui, Qui, monsieur.
Stalin: Stop that. That French guy got into trouble once with the censor. Don't get
yourself into that.
Molly: Qu...I mean yes, sir.
(Stalin left. Molly sniffs.)
Molly: Stalin must have forgotten to take a bath this morning.
Stalin: (VO) I heard that!
Scene #5: Kitchen
(Mrs. Tress, played by World's Oldest Woman, who is the Cook, is sharpening a knife. Joe
McCarthy, who we don't give a care about, is on the TV. Stalin came in.)
Stalin: Is the meal almost ready, Mrs. Tress?
(Mrs. Tress turned around.)
Mrs. Tress: Stop bugging me, all right?! Dinner will be ready when it is ready!
Stalin: All right! I was just asking!
Mrs. Tress: Just get out and let me continue on, willya?
(Stalin nodded and left when the doorbell rang.)
Scene #6: Front Door (again)
(A man, who looks little to be someone important, is there. He is being growl at by the
dogs from earlier. He tries to calm down. He is play by Froggo. by the way.)
Scene #7: Hall (again)
(Stalin opens the door.)
Stalin: Hello, my dear, uh, sir?
(The man came in.)
Man: I don't know if you know me, but...
Stalin: I know who you are. I will take your coat. (Did so.) Your name is Colonel Froggo,
Froggo: No it isn't! My name is Colonel....
Stalin: No, I insist that you are to be called Colonel Froggo for my employer's insists it
to be so.
Froggo: You know you are bigger enough to be my big buddy!
Stalin: Thank you, sir. (Rolls eyes while Froggo isn't looking.)
(Froggo also sniffs something.)
Froggo: What is...?
Stalin: Don't ask. Follow me.
(Froggo did so as they go down the hall to the library.)
Froggo: Excuse me, but I didn't get your name.
Stalin; I am Stalin, the butler.
Froggo: What, you handle butts?
(Rimshot courtesy of BFB.)
Scene #8: Library (again)
(Molly is still there as Stalin and Froggo arrived.)
Stalin: Molly, may I present Colonel Froggo? Will you attend to him while I wait by the
door for the "other guests"? Within reason, of course.
Molly: Yes sir.
(Stalin left, closing the doors doing so. The doors look like a library shelf so it is
difficult to tell the difference.)
Froggo: Stalin may I...
(He stopped noticed the doors now closed.)
Froggo: Where's the door?
Molly: That's the door.
Froggo: No it isn't! It is a library shelf!
Molly: Maybe you miss it.
Molly: One second ago.
(Rimshot courtesy of BFB again.)
Scene #9: Front Door (part 3)
(The door had rung again. When we get to the door, we see a woman in black. Stalin
answered the door, of course. The woman is play by Miss Information.)
Scene #10: Hall (part 3)
Stalin: Ah, do come in. You are expected.
Woman: I bet ya all don't know who I am.
Stalin: Then you lost.
(Rimshot courtesy of BFB.)
Stalin: You are, throughout the night, to be called Mrs. Info.
Info: It did say so in the letter, but why?
Stalin: Do you know when Hitler raised to power?
Stalin: My point proving.
(He took her coat and put it away. Mrs. Info also sniffs.)
Stalin: Let's not go into that, okay? Let head to the Library.
Part 11: Library (part 3)
(Froggo and Molly are still there. Since alcohol is not allowed, he is drinking soda.
Stalin and Info came in.)
Stalin: I like to introduce you to Mrs. Info. Mrs. Info, this here is Colonel Froggo and
Info: (angrily) We met.
Molly: Oh, so we have?
Info: (angrily) Don't tempt me, all right.
Stalin: Well, that's something you don't see everyday. But then, it usually does.
(Info walked over to Froggo.)
Froggo: Hello, madam.
Scene #12: A road.
(A woman, who looks like Pepper Mills, is by her now broken-down car. She tries to start
it up. No luck. A car appears and stopped. The woman notices and went over to it. A man is
there. The only thing unusual about him is...he hide in his pants.)
Man: Um, hello. Do you want a lift?
Woman: Why thank you so much! (Laughing maniacally and got in.)
Man: Uh, you're welcome?
Scene #13: Inside man's car.
Woman: Can you drop me off somewhere? I am late.
Man: Um, same here. Where are you going?
(Woman took out a piece of paper.)
Woman: Oh, nothing much. Just a place called the Soviet House, somewhere off...
Man: Wait a minute! I am going there too!
(Both looks surprised.)
Scene #14: Outside of man's car.
The car pulls away as the rain continues on.
Scene #15: Library (part 4)
A new woman is there now. She looks like Lydia Karaoke.
Stalin: (VO) May I introduce you to Mrs. Karaoke.
Froggo: Hello madam.
Karaoke: I am glad someone here has some manners. Those dogs outside growl at me!
Stalin: I will have them "fixed".
Karaoke: What?! Sir must I remind you that this is a Kids WB parody! We won't talk about
Stalin: Ugh, whatever! Molly, do me a favor and see if Mrs. Tress is done with dinner.
Molly: Yes sir!
(As she lefts, Lydia looks disapproved at her exposed, uh, whatever the French calls it.
As usual, the doorbell rang.)
Scene #16: Front door (I think we get the picture by now!)
(The rain is now coming down now. A man is there, with brown hair and a coat. The dogs are
in their doghouses, still growling of course. Stalin answers the door.)
Man: HELLO! IS THIS THE HOUSE WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO MEET MR. TESLA?
(Stalin cringes and calms down.)
Stalin: Ah yes sir, and you must be Mr. Loud.
Loud: YES SIR!
Stalin: (to dogs) Sit!
Stalin: I am talking to the dogs.
Loud: ARE YOU A DOCTOR?
Stalin: No, a butler.
Loud: OH! SO YOU HANDLED BUTTS!
Stalin: Knock it off. Come in.
Scene #17: Man's car.
(They arrived at gates.)
Woman: Well, there it is. (Laughing maniacally.)
(We see a scary view of the mansion for a minute.)
(Again with the scary view.)
Woman: Why isn't the car moving? Is it frightened?
Man: No, I took out the key.
Woman: (annoyed: Well, get it going!
Man: Yes madam!
(The car drove to the mansion.
Scene #18: Library
(As lightning crashes, Loud looks nervous.)
Scene #19: Front door.
(The two got out of the car and go to the door.)
Man: Geez, and I thought snow was bad!
Woman: Same here.
(He tries to do, uh, something but the woman slaps him. Stalin answers the door.)
Stalin: Why, Professor Smartypants and Ms. Mills! I don't know you are together!
Mills: (annoyed) We aren't.
(Smartypants looks sheepishly as they went in.)
Scene #20: Library
(The three came in.)
Stalin: Here are the last two guests. Prof. Smartypants and Ms. Mills.
Mills: Please to meet you. (Screaming insanely.)
Smartypants: Uh, hello, I guess.
(They took their soda from Molly.)
Stalin: I must inform you that while you are invited here, no one is addressed by their
Info: Yes I was wondering about that.
Stalin: And why you ask?
Froggo: How should I know? I just got here.
Scene 21: The Hall
(We see Mrs. Tress banging the bong very loudly)
Scene 22: Library
(The gong was heard again. Mr. Loud jumps up and accidentally spill his drink on Mrs.
Karaoke. She looks upset)
Stalin: That must be the dinner bong.
Loud: (embarrass) Sorry about that. I am accident-probe.
Info (while reading a dictionary): Accident-probe means you sometimes trip and stuff. Ok?
Loud: Thank you Mrs. Info.
Stalin (annoyed): If you are done talking, we shall go to the Dining Room for dinner.
Loud: WHAT A GRUMP!
Scene 23: The Hall
(The guests are walking to the Dining Room. Boring!)
Scene 24: The Dining Room. (More like the DIE-ing Room. Get it?)
(The guests came in.)
Stalin: You will find your seats by the papers with your names on it.
(The guests found their seats and sat down, except for Col. Froggo. Stalin gave Ms. Mills'
drink to her. Froggo notices something.)
Froggo: Uh, is this seat for you?
Stalin: No. I am just a butler. (Annoyed) And no butt jokes!
Loud: WHAT A NUT!
Smartypants: And they say Hitler was crazy.
Info: You are correct, sir!
(Everyone stare at her.)
Info: What? Lucky Bob isn't in this movie!
Froggo: Forget it. What does a butler do, by the way?
Stalin: I buttle.
Karaoke: Sir, you shouldn't say that! This is a Kids WB parody!
Stalin: Actually, the butler is the head of the Kitchen and Die--I mean Dining Room. I
want everything tidy. (Annoyed again) So no tracking mud in the mansion or I will have you
Froggo: Calm down! And you can't purge anyone in this movie!
Stalin: I can't?
Karaoke: Sorry to interrupt further, but is this a dinner party?
Stalin: "Ours is not to reason why...Ours is but to do and die."
Everyone (except Stalin): Huh?!
Stalin: Just something I read from a book once.
(Froggo sat next to Mills.)
Froggo: I rather read Kipling. There's one book that says "The female of the species
is more deadly than the male."
Mills: That's so true! (Laughing insanely but stop when Froggo is staring at her) What?
(Molly came in carrying a tray.)
Info: Eeew! What is it?
Molly: Sharks' Fin Soup, Madame.
Karaoke: (with a frown) We are going to get letters.
Froggo: Let me guess, that last chair is for our host, right?
Stalin: Actually (thinks for a minute) no. It's for our last guest, Mr. Tesla.
Info: Isn't Mr. Tesla our host?
Info: So who IS our host?
Stalin: I will tell you but I will have to kill you.
Stalin: (laughing) That is a jokefsky! Better start eating or your food will get cold!
Karaoke: What about our guest?
Molly: I will keep something...warm for him.
Karaoke: Young lady, you behave yourself!
Molly: I mean food.
Loud: WHAT A NUT!
(Everyone starts eating their food. Pauses keep happening. It repeats for a few seconds.
Karaoke: I might have well start talking since I am here. I love being a hostess. It's
part of what my husband do. While I have no idea...
Loud: WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?
Karaoke: Don't interrupt! Anyway, while I have no idea why we are here, it's fine to meet
new faces and etc. By the way, this soup is good.
(Everyone stare at her.)
Info: You enjoy being a hostess because of what your husband does? What does he do?
Karaoke: I can't say that! We can't say who we are!
Froggo: She's right.
Loud: HA! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Karaoke: What...what are you talking about?
Loud: I WORK IN WASHINGTON TOO!
Karaoke: Wait a minute...you are young!
Loud: SO IS BRUNO THE KID!
Smartypants: He's right. Stupid show though. So you're a politician's wife, huh?
Froggo: Who is he, anyway?
(Everyone stop talking as Stalin opens a door from the kitchen. He left and they started
Karaoke: I will tell you later. So Mrs. Info, what does...
Info: He, uh, does nothing but sits on his bum all day.
Mills: What a lazy bum! (Laughing maniacally)
(Molly, while in the kitchen, opened that weird window thingy. Thunder was heard while she
is doing it. Mr. Loud jumps up again, this time spilling his drink on Ms. Mills. Now she
(She cleans herself off. Molly appears and started serving their food.)
Molly: Dinner is served.
(The guests start eating)
Karaoke: Mmm! I must tell you! THIS is one of my favorite recipes!
Stalin: Of course...I know.
(Dum, Dum, Dum!)
Karaoke: Err, Mr. Loud, what do you do in Washington?
(No answer at first)
Mills: (annoyed) Maybe he doesn't want to share anything with you!
Karaoke: Well, if he doesn't share, it's considered rude!
Smartypants: You must have a bad childhood, huh?
Karaoke: Why you ask?
Smartypants: Well, you suffered a lot from your childhood and because of it you don't want
anyone to do bad things or say any bad words either.
Mills: Are you a psychologist?!
Smartypants: Of course! I am an expert in psychological medicine.
Mills: Way cool! (Laughs maniacally)
Info: Are you a doctor?
Smartypants: Yes and no.
Info: Which one?
Smartypants: Yes, I do no practice.
(Rimshot courtesy of Big Fat Baby)
Mills: Practice makes perfect. Even Mrs. Karaoke should know that!
(Karaoke looks annoyed at her.)
Info: Anyway, what do you do besides being a shrink?
Smartypants: I work for the UNO.
Info: Ooh! Is that a new band?
Smartypants: Uh, exactly it stands for the United Nations Organization.
Froggo: Great. Another politician.
Smartypants: I exactly work for a branch of the UNO called the W. H. O.
Smartypants: No what, Who.
Info: That's what I want to know! What branch do you work for?
Info: The branch you are working for!
Loud: NOW WE GETTING SOMEWHERE!
(Rimshot courtesy of BFB)
Smartypants: Mrs. Info, it means the World Health Organization.
Info: Why didn't you say so?
Smartypants: Like I said before...who.
Karaoke: Dare I ask what area of special concern?
Smartypants: Family planning.
Mills: You arranged family trips?!
(Smartypants stares at her.)
Smartypants: Forget it. Tell me Colonel Froggo. Are you a real colonel?
Froggo: You darn right I am.
Mills: Let me guess...you live in Washington too right?
Froggo: Wait a minute...how did you know that? Have we met before?
Mills: Err, I seen you before.
Loud: YOU LIVE IN WASHINGTON TOO?
Mills: Yes! (Laughing maniacally)
Karaoke: Stop that! You are scaring me! Isn't there anyone here who doesn't live in
Smartypants: Uh, I don't.
Loud: BUT YOU WORK AT THE UNITED NATIONS! THAT'S A GOVERNMENT JOB! AND WE ALL KNOW WE
LIVED IN A GOVERNMENT TOWN! ANYONE HERE NOT EARN THEIR LIVING FROM THE GOVERNMENT?
(Froggo stands up annoyed.)
Froggo: Stalin! Where is our host and why in heck are we bought here?!
(The doorbell rang. Stalin left to answer it. We hear the door opened and Stalin talking.)
Stalin: (VO) Ah, good evening! You are expected of course!
Man: (VO) Wait a minute...why are you locking me in??? Give me the key!
Stalin: (VO) Over my dead body. Let me take your bag.
Man: (VO; annoyed) I'll leave it here if you don't mind!
Stalin: (VO) Let me guess, evidence?
Man: (VO) That's none of your concerns!
(Stalin came in followed by the man. The man who likes...)
Stalin: Everyone, please welcome Mr. Tesla.
(Dum, dum, dum!!!!!!!)
Mr. Tesla: What in blazes are they doing here?!
Stalin: Eating dinner, of course. Please sit down, Mr. Tesla.
Tesla: Don't tell me what to do!
(he sat down anyway. Molly begins to serve him)
Tesla: Don't worried. I already ate, Molly.
(Mrs. Karaoke hits the table, angry obvious)
Karaoke: Look, I don't want to be rude here, but I want to know why we are here in
Loud: HEY! YOU LEAVE MY ROOM OUT OF THIS!
Stalin: I think she meant this place. But to answer Mrs. Karaoke's question, you each got
a letter, which says, "It will be to your advantage to be present on this date
because Mr. Boddy will bring to an end a certain long-standing confidential and painful
financial liability." It signs a friend.
Froggo: Who? The postman?
Stalin: That's none of your business. (Realizes) I mean, it's signed by someone else!
Loud: WELL I RECEIVED SUCH A LETTER.
Mills: Ditto here, right? (Nods to Prof. Smartypants)
Tesla: I also received a letter, which is scary.
Froggo: Is it a death threat?
Tesla: No. There's a butterfly on it.
(Molly tries to serve him again)
Tesla: I told you Molly! I already ate!
Loud: WHAT A SECOND! HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?! YOU JUST GOT HERE!
Tesla: Oh, we known each other, right Molly?
Molly: Maybe so, but if you try to do what that other guy did in the real movie, I will
whack you on the head you know!
Loud: WHAT IS THIS, FOOTBALL?!
Stalin: Excuse, Mr. Tesla, if you don't mind me by asking. Did your letter say the same
Tesla: Heck no.
Froggo: Heaven yes!
Tesla: Shut up!
Stalin: Before we start an argument here, does anyone wants any desert?
Karaoke: No thanks. I am on a diet.
Mills: But you are on a chair.
Karaoke: No, I mean I can't eat any fat food.
Info: The food doesn't look fat!
Stalin: Enough! Let's get to the Study or we will never end this story!
Smartypants: Uh, what story?
(Stalin slapped his head. QC to Study; Note: I am getting sick of saying scene!)
(Everyone arrives at the Study. Everyone realizes...)
Loud: HEY, OUR HOST ISN'T HERE!!!
Stalin: Don't worry. Just sit down, comrades, and help yourself to some refreshments.
(Stalin goes to a desk that is in the Study and takes some sort of envelope. It says,
"For Stalin, open AFTER dinner.")
Mills: Does anyone smoke?
(Prof. Smartypants took out his lighter (from his pants!))
Mills: Don't bother. I don't smoke.
Smartypants: But why do you ask??
Mills: Because the censors don't allowed smoking! (Laughing insanely)
(Smartypants sighs. Meanwhile, Stalin opens the envelope and is now holding what is in
Stalin: Ladies and gentlemen...(to Smartypants)...and in your case I will use the term
(Smartypants frowns (how on earth can you see it???))
Stalin: You, of course, have one thing in common.
Froggo: We are all actors posing as game characters in a movie parody?
Stalin: No! Unless, of course, you want to do the honors, Mr. Tesla, hmmm?
Mr. Tesla: Why? Am I on trial here???
Stalin: No. You never say who you are.
(Tesla stands up angrily)
Tesla: How dare you accused me! I suggested we all leave!
(He made a break for the door. Stalin chases after him)
Stalin: I'm sorry, sir, you cannot leave this house!
(QC to Hall. Mr. Tesla goes to the door. Stalin is also there with the other guests.)
Tesla: Try to stop me, you Georgia freak!
Stalin: (smiling) Go ahead. Try it.
(Mr. Tesla tries to open the door, but is not successful)
Stalin: You cannot get out. All the doors are locked and the windows had bars on them.
Tesla: What?! You are holding us prisoner?!
(The guests look confused, while shouting.)
Stalin: Please, please! Please return to the Study. All will be explained!
(The guests did so. All except Mr. Tesla who ran past Stalin.)
Stalin: You too, Mr....(Notices Tesla running away) Hey! You are going the wrong way!
(Chases after Mr. Tesla.)
(QC to Conservatory. To explain, three of the walls are brick, while the last one is made
of glass leading outside. We hear rain outside. Mr. Tesla runs in, finds a brick, and
decides to break the glass. Stalin arrives)
Stalin: I wouldn't try that if I were you.
Tesla: Well, you are not me!
(Just before he tries to break the glass, a big nasty looking dog jumps at the glass,
barking like a maniac. Tesla looks shocked and surprised at the same time.)
Stalin: You were saying?
(Tesla, surrenderly, drops the brick. QC back to Study. The guests are still there, as
Tesla and Stalin rejoins them. Stalin takes the envelope again.)
Stalin: Ladies and gentlemen, like I said before, until I was rudely interrupted...(glares
annoyed at Tesla, who pretends he doesn't existed)...you got one thing in common. You are
all being blackmailed.
(Dum, dum, dum, as everyone except Stalin and Mr. Tesla gasps.)
Mills: Wait...I am not even black!
Stalin: No, what I mean is you all are paying the blackmailer because of...your
embarrassing secrets. (Smiles as he says it) You don't know who is blackmailing you all,
(Everyone glares at Stalin)
Karaoke: Don't be ridiculous! No one is blackmailing
me! My life is an open book!
Smartypants: Oh, I think I got it in my pants
Karaoke: (angrily) That's NOT what I meant!
Stalin: Does anyone else wishes to deny it?
(No one answers)
Stalin: Very well. We are all in the same boat here.
Loud: BUT WE ARE IN A HOUSE!
Stalin: (annoyed) NO! I MEAN WE ARE IN A SITUATION! (Calms down) Okay. Now then, I will
reveal some minor, I mean, some details. I got instructions to do so. You may go, Molly.
(Molly nodded and left. Tesla's eyes follow her out)
Karaoke: (annoyed) What are you doing?!
(Tesla catches himself)
Tesla: Err, nothing! Don't scare me like that! That is scary!
Froggo: I thought you are scared of round things?
Tesla: My character isn't!
Stalin: May we get on with the movie please?!
(Everybody stops talking)
Info: Why? So you can embarrass us some more?
Stalin: I'm sorry, I must. Prof. Smartypants.
Smartypants: Uh, yes?
Stalin: You are once a professor of psychiatry, dealing with the psycho and who-know-what.
Smartypants: Err, yes. But now I worked for the United Nations!
Stalin: So your work has not changed. There's one reason why you didn't practice medicine
at the UN. His license has been stripped from him.
Stalin: (smiling) Do you what know doctors aren't allowed to do with their lady patients?
Stalin: He did it.
(Smartypants looks embarrassed)
Mills: Eeew, yuckosis!
Karaoke: Really, Prof. Smartypants!
Stalin: You think that is bad, Mrs. Karaoke? Perhaps you want to explain why you are
Karaoke: What are you talking about?!
Stalin: You been taking bribes in return for your husband Senator Karaoke's vote for
Karaoke: My husband is a paid consultant!
Stalin: Not publicly declared, maybe. But can you explained the transaction of payment
being slipped cash in envelopes under the men's room?
Mills: Eeew, double yuckosis!
Karaoke: How should you know?! It probably was...someone else!
Smartypants: So! It's true!
(Mrs. Karaoke angrily stands up)
Karaoke: No! It's a lie!
Stalin: You like to think so. But you have been paying the blackmailer so you won't get
Info: Well, I believe ya. I am too being blackmailed for something that isn't even my
Loud: SAME HERE!
Stalin: Hey! No Pokemon references!
(Rimshot. Note: Hey! I am not bashing Pokemon. I like the show, the toys, even the games!
So knock it off!)
Mills: Well not me.
Stalin: (disbelieved) Your not being blackmailed?
Mills: Oh, I am being blackmailed all right. Because guess what I did?
Smartypants: Uh, what?
Mills: Well, I ran some sort of hotel and a telephone, which supplies a man with a woman.
Karaoke: (annoyed) Oh! So it's some sort of whorehouse!
Smartypants: (interested) Really?! (Pulls out pen and notepad from his pants) What's the
Mills: Don't you have phone book in there?
Karaoke: Don't ask him! It's probably best we don't know!
(Smartypants looks annoyed)
Loud: HOW DO YOU KNOW COLONEL FROGGO, BY THE WAY? IS HE ONE OF YOUR CLIENTS?
Froggo: Is not!
Loud: I WAS ASKING MS. MILLS, NOT YOU!
Froggo: (to Ms. Mills) You tell him that's not true!
Mills: It's not true.
Smartypants: What not true?
Mills: That he's one of my clients.
Loud: SO IT'S TRUE!
Stalin: Two negatives in one night! What are the odds?
Stalin: You lose.
Froggo: What a second! If you say you known me, does that mean you have (whispers to Ms.
Stalin: I heard that! You gave yourself away, I'm afraid.
Froggo: Of what?
Stalin: None of your business!
Froggo: (angrily) You are trying to make me look stupid in front of everyone, are you?!
Everyone else: Too late!
Smartypants: I don't see why Colonel Froggo visiting a, uh, "infamous" house in
Washington is bad. Most soldiers do, don't they?
Mills: (standing up) Why should I tell you?!
Stalin: But he holds a serious job in the Pentagon!
Info: I thought the terrorists bombed it!
Stalin: No 911 reference either! (911 is the date that the terrorists bombed the World
Trade Center and the Pentagon) (To Froggo) And you! You drive a high-price car for someone
who lives on your paid, even though you are sort!
Froggo: Not true! I inherited my money when my parents died!
(Stalin looks confused for a minute, and shook his head.)
Stalin: Okay...Mrs. Info, you been paying the blackmailer ever since your husband died
Mills: (laughing insanely)
Info: What so funny?!
Mills: Now I see what you mean by sitting on his bum...in his coffin.
Info: I didn't kill him!
Froggo: Why are you paying since you didn't do it???
Info: I don't want a scandal! My husband happened to be a total psychopath! He never liked
me! He once threatened to kill me in public!
Mills: Why does he want to kill you in public?
Stalin: I do believe she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Mills: Oh. (Pauses) Are those his final words, may I dare ask?
Info: Well, being killed IS final, don't you think?
Stalin: He did die instead of you, however.
Mills: What does he do for a living, besides sitting on his bum?
Info: He was a scientist. Nuclear physics.
Mills: And he's a psychopath?!
Info: Well, all scientists are psychopaths. Take Dr. Gene Burrows for an example.
Info: Oops, sorry.
Mills: What is he like?
Info: While he is stupid...
Stalin: Says you.
Info: Shut up. Anyway, it's a shock when I discovered he died. He was found dead at home,
with his head cut off, including his...well, you all know!
(The men in the room crossed their legs. Don't ask!)
Info: I liked spending evenings at the movies.
Mills: Do you miss him?
Info: Not really. It's matter of life after death. Now he's dead, I now have a life.
Froggo: Since when?
Info: Since three weeks ago.
Stalin: He is, however, your second husband. Your first husband has disappeared.
Info: He's an illusionist! That is his job!
Stalin: But he never reappeared!
Info: Well, I never say he's THAT good.
(Nothing else nothing.)
Stalin: (to Loud; annoyed) Well?
Stalin: Aren't you going to do the next scene?
Loud: YOU MEAN...(realizes) NO WAY! I AM NOT SAYING THAT I AM GAY!
Karaoke: Good! Because the censors at the WB will have a field day if you do!
Loud: CAN WE SKIP THIS PART, PLEASE?!
Stalin: (annoyed) Oh, all right! But I really like to see you humiliated!
(Note from author: I don't, you stupid commie!)
Stalin: Hey! I heard that, you American author!
(Note from author: Don't make me kill you early, Stalin!)
Stalin: (shaking) I'll be good. (Mouths) Not!
(Prof. Smartypants stands up and walks to Mr. Tesla)
Smartypants: Well, that leaves only Mr. Tesla. What is your secret, may I ask?
Stalin: Oh, haven't you guess by now? He is the one who is blackmailing you all!
(Lightning crashes while Mr. Tesla smiles evilly. Froggo stands up in anger)
Froggo: Why you no good...!
(The guests advance on Tesla, while Froggo attempts to knock his block off. Tesla,
however, steps on his toes and poke him in the eyes)
Loud: HEY, KNOCK IT OFF!
Froggo: I demand you fight fair!
Mr. Loud and the others try to stop him while Tesla attempts to hurt Froggo again. Mrs.
Info, however, stops him...by kneeing him where it hurts. Tesla groans a little)
Loud: GEEZ, WHAT A NUT! WAS THAT EVEN NECESSARY?!
Stalin: Stop what you are doing and listened!
Guests (except Tesla): Why?
Stalin: The police are coming!
Guests (except Tesla again): What?!
Stalin: Listen, you have admitted that he is blackmailing you all, correct? All you had to
do is tell the police and Mr. Tesla will be behind bars forever.
(Tesla stands up, still in pain when Mrs. Info knees him)
Tesla: Ha! You'll never tell the police! You all don't got the guts!
Stalin: If they don't, then I shall! The evidence I had will work. Plus, I am having this
whole conversation tape-recorded!
(QC to Molly in the Billiard Room, listening to the tape recorder. Like Stalin said, it is
recording the conversation. (Though I don't know how they connected it to the Study!))
Loud: (V/O) WHAT A MINUTE! TAPE RECORDING CAN'T BE EVIDENCE!
(Molly winces as he said it. QC to the Study)
Stalin: Listen, the police will be here in (checks watch) forty-five minutes. Just tell
them the truth and, well you get the picture!
(Mr. Tesla, however, has another idea. He goes for the Hall when Stalin stops him)
Stalin: Where do you think you are going?
Tesla: They want to decide? I definitely know how to help them out.
Stalin: What makes you think they can trust you?!
Tesla: At least let me get my bag from the Hall.
(He left. QC to the Hall; Mr. Tesla picks up his bags that he left there. He returns to
the Study. QC to Study; He opened the bags.)
Froggo: Hey! You say you are getting one bag!
Tesla: A very important object is in one of these bags.
Mills: What, a weapon?
Tesla: No, my pills.
Tesla: But that isn't important. Now, can anybody guess what is in here?
Info: More pills?
(Mr. Tesla snickers and shook his head at the same time. He takes out some boxes.)
Mills: Wait a second. Do you know that we are meeting tonight???
Info: How do you know?
Tesla: What I know is that I don't show, Stalin (nodded to Stalin) will tell the cops
about everything. At least, I know what to do in this situation.
(He hands each package to a guest and goes to the door.)
Tesla: Well, what are you waiting for?
Tesla: (annoyed) I mean, open them!
Mills: Oh coolly cool! Presents! (Laughing insanely as she opens her package. Inside is a
Candlestick) Candlestick??? What I'm supposed to do with this? Have a romantic dinner?
Info: Oh you wish!
(However, she opens her box. Her eyes are wide-opened. Inside is a Rope. Loud opens his
box. Inside is a Lead Pipe. Froggo opens his box to reveal a Wrench. Prof. Smartypants
found a Revolver in his. Finally, we see that Mrs. Karaoke open to find...a Knife.)
Karaoke: (annoyed) Great. Just what I need. Another kitchen accessory.
Tesla: Not really. What you all have is a lethal weapon.
Mills: Oh I love that movie! Mel Gibson is dreamy!
Tesla: Shut up! Now then, if you turned me over to the police now, you will also be
Karaoke: Hey! Hey! We will have none of that!
Tesla: I mean revealed.
Tesla: Anyway, I will make sure you will be embarrassed even more. (Pauses) But...if one
of you kills Stalin now, (Stalin look shocked as he said this) no one but the seven of us
will ever know. (He smiles evilly at Stalin as he says the next line) He, as you remember,
has the key to the front door, snicker, which he says he will open "over his own dead
body". I think we should take him off on his offer.
(He closes the door to keep people from escaping. He drinks his...soda.)
Stalin: Now then, the only thing to prevented a scary thing like being in the newspaper is
one of you to kill Stalin...now.
(He turns off the lights)
(We hear noises. Someone hales like a guy choking on a dead cat. (Mills: Eew Yuckosis!) A
gunshot was heard, as well as some screaming while something shatters. Someone turns the
lights back on. It is Mrs. Karaoke who is still holding the dagger. She looks down in
shock. Mr. Tesla is on the floor, very still.)
Froggo: Stalin isn't killed???
Stalin: (mumbling) Thank Lenin.
(Everyone stares at him)
Stalin: Well, I can't say the lord name in vain, even if I am a communist!
Info: Never mind that! What are we to do?!
Smartypants: Stand back! Give him some air!
(He kneels next to Mr. Tesla to check to see if he is still alive. He looks up in shock)
Smartypants: He's dead!
Info: Now let's not all panicked. Who had the gun?
Smartypants: Uh, me.
Mills: You did?! (Laughing insanely)
Karaoke: Then you shot him!
Smartypants: I didn't!
Karaoke: Don't give me that! You had the gun!
Smartypants: But I didn't shoot him! Someone tries to grab my gun in the dark and it went
off! (He turns Tesla around) Look! No one shot him! (Notices something) Hey! That gunshot
must have broke that vase!
Stalin: Blast! That vase costs me $5000 bucks!
Loud: WELL NOW IT COST $0 BUCKS!
Info: What does deer had to do with this?
(Everyone went to see the hole in the wall)
Froggo: There's a bullet hole in the wall!
Karaoke: (annoyed) Well who could miss that?
Loud: (to Smartypants) HOW DID HE DIED?!
Smartypants: Dang it! I am a doctor, not a miracle worker!
Froggo: But doctors are miracle workers!
Smartypants: Not all the time!
Info: One of us must have done the deed!
Mills: Of what?
Loud: SHE MEAN KILLING HIM AND I DIDN'T DO IT!
Karaoke: Well I need a drink to calm my nerves.
(She took the drink Tesla was drinking and sip it. Just then...)
Smartypants: Maybe he was poisoned!
(Mrs. Karaoke freaks out and shouts very loudly. She didn't stop. Loud took her to the
sofa, sat her down, and slapped her. Finally she stopped, shunned. Everyone look at him,
Loud: WELL, I HAD TO STOP HER FROM SCREAMING! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?! YOU ARE SUCH
Froggo: We are not!
Smartypants: Forget that! Was her drink poisoned?
Loud: HOW SHOULD I KNOW?!
(Mills pick up the glass. The drink is now gone)
Mills: We may never find out! (Laugh manically)
Loud: MAYBE SHE WILL DIE TOO!
Karaoke: You wish!
(Then more screaming. It is from another room! The guests look shocked and ran from the
Study. They ran to the Billiard Room, where the screaming is coming from. They try to open
Loud: IT'S LOCKED!
Mills: There are gang members here?!
Stalin: Shut up!
Smartypants: The murderer must be in there!
Loud: WHY WOULD HE SCREAM?
Info: He must have Molly in there!
Froggo: Like you ever liked her!
(Info sticks her tongue out at Froggo.)
Loud: OH MY GOSH! OPEN THE DOOR!
Stalin: Stop shouting, loud person!
(The door is now open and the guests ran in. We are now in the Billiard Room where the
guests and an annoyed Molly is.)
Stalin: You are alive!
Molly: No thanks to you idiots!
Stalin: What on earth are you talking about?!
Molly: You lock me up with a murderer, you psycho!
Karaoke: Don't say that movie out loud! Mr. Plotz still isn't recovering after that flop!
Info: (whispering) We are still in the movie, Lydia.
Karaoke: (whispers back) Oops, sorry Melissa.
Info: (whispers) No problem. (Speaking) So the murderer is in this room?
Loud: BUT WHERE IS HE OR SHE?
Molly: What do you mean where?! Here!
(Loud looks behind the door, confused)
Molly: We are all looking at him or her! (Whimpering) It's what Mrs. Info says in the
Study, "one of you is the killer!"
Smartypants: Uh, how did you know she said that?
Molly: I was listening!
Info: But why did you scream?
Molly: I freaked out. I also drank that soda! (Moans) Don't leave me here.
(Mills and Froggo go over to Molly to comfort her)
Mills: There, there. Come to the Study with us.
Molly: With the murderer?! Are you crazy?!
Mills: No, my name is Mills.
Molly: I mean are you nuts?!
Froggo: No, she is a human being.
Froggo: (shaking the Wrench) Anyway, you are safe with us.
Mills: (confused) But I thought she is a human being!
(The guests leave the room. As they do it, Stalin takes the tapes from the thingys and
also left. QC to Study)
Loud: IS THERE NO INDICATION OF HOW HE DIED?
Smartypants: Not that I know of.
Stalin: I can't believe this! This isn't supposed to happen! Oh my gosh...
Info: What do you all mean?
Mills: I thought you were a butler.
Stalin: I'm not the butler, but rather a butler. In fact, I was once his butler.
Smartypants: Why was he late if he told you to invite us?
Stalin: He didn't. I invited you. I wrote the letters. The whole thing was my plan.
Info: I don't understand.
Stalin: When did you figured that out?
Info: I mean, why did you invite us here to see your former employer? Are you helping him
Stalin: I didn't!
Info: I think you better tell us everything.
Stalin: (sighing) I guess I should. Sit down.
(Everyone sits except for Loud. He decides to lean against a table.)
Stalin: Like I said before, I was once his butler. What I said before was both true and
misleading. But it wasn't his death that makes me no longer working for him!
Froggo: What really happened?
Stalin: My wife...killed herself.
Info: But you aren't even married!
Stalin: My character is! Anyway, that man blackmailed her because he hated her the same
reason he hated all of you!
Loud: BECAUSE WE HUMILTATED HIM ON OUR SHOW?
Stalin: Stick to the movie! The reason is he believed you are all...*Un*American!
(Dum, dum, dum as the cast except Stalin gasp. The table that Loud is leaning on collapses
and he almost fell. He quickly stands up.)
Stalin: No harm done. Anyway, Mr. Tesla believes that it's not right for a senator to have
a corrupt wife, for a doctor to do something wrong with his female patients, for a wife to
do...something bad to her husband, and well you get the picture!
Mills: But there isn't even a camera in here!
Loud: BUT I DON'T GET IT! IF HE BELIEVES ALL THAT, WHY DIDN'T HE REPORT US TO THE
Stalin: Well, he decided to put his information...
Info: No relation.
Stalin: Shut up. Anyway, he decided to put it to good use and make some cash out of it. He
Smartypants: Uh, I guess that might be true. But why are you involved?
Stalin: I was...a victim, too. At least my wife was. (Sighs) The reason he is blackmailing
her is because she has friends who are...(cringes) socialists!
(Dum, dum, dum again!)
Stalin: Well, I must confess.
Guests: Too late.
Stalin: Forget it.
(Info gives a tissue to Stalin so he wouldn't cry too much.)
Stalin: (sniffle) Thank you. Anyway, Mr. Tesla threatened to give my wife's name to the
Stalin: The House Un-American Activities Committee. He threatened to reveal her unless she
named her allies. She refuses, so he blackmailed her! Since we have no money, we must work
for him for free. Well, to make long story short...too late!
Stalin: Got ya! Anyway, my wife's death drove me to this! I wanted justice! I decided that
it is up to me to put Tesla away forever! In order to do that is to invite all his victims
here so I can also free you from his blackmailing forever, confront him with his crimes
and...turn him over to the police.
Smartypants: Well, uh, that pretty much explained everything, I guess.
Mills: No it doesn't! We still don't know who kill him! (Laughing insanely)
Stalin: Well, we have only 39 minutes to find out who before the cops get here!
Karaoke: Oh my gosh! If they come here and see this body...
Loud: WELL, HOW CAN WE TELL WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT?
Smartypants: (suspiciously) What do you mean which one of us? What about you?
Loud: I DIDN'T DO IT!
Stalin: Well one of us must have done the deed. We all have the reason to do it, we also
have the chance also!
Mills: Oh no! We are all going to the chair! (Laughing maniacally)
Smartypants: Well, maybe none of us did it. I mean, who else is in the house?
Stalin and Molly: Only the Cook.
(Everyone then realizes...)
All: The Cook?!
(The guests ran from the Study to the Kitchen. QC to Kitchen; Loud managed to get in while
the guests are still trying to get through the door. He looks around and decided...)
Loud: SHE'S NOT HERE!
(The door to the freezer then opens when he yells. Ms. Mills screams maniacally. The Cook
fell out of the freezer...and onto Loud! She has a dagger in her back, which means she is
Loud: HELP ME!
Karaoke: I thought you were supposed to say you didn't do it?
Loud: NOT WHEN THE VICTIM IS ON ME!
(They help get Mrs. Tress off of Loud. He got up.)
Froggo: Don't touch the knife! You might get fingerprints on it!
Info: Well, we still got to know who killed her.
Froggo: What is going on Stalin?!
Stalin: (surpised) Why are you asking me?
Loud: WHO WANTS TO KILL HER?
Mills: She didn't smell that bad.
Froggo: How can you tell jokes at a time like this?
Mills: Uh, six o'clock?
Froggo: Grrr. If I were the killer, I would get you for that stupid joke!
(Everyone looks shocked as Froggo quickly catch himself)
Froggo: I say if! I mean, it couldn't been me! I bet it was her! (Points to Mrs. Info)
Info: You can't all proved anything!
Froggo: Oh yeah?! How many husbands do you have?
Info: Since my last one, or before that?
Froggo: (impatiently) Before that!
Info: Definitely five.
Karaoke: Wrong show.
Froggo: You lured men to their deaths like Stalin did to Trotsky!
Stalin: Hey! You can't prove I kill him!
Info: At least he had the sense to admit it.
Froggo: Well if it isn't you, then who did. Who have the knife last? I bet it was you!
(Points to Mrs. Karaoke)
Karaoke: It can't be me! I put it down on a table somewhere. One of you could have picked
Info: Another kitchen accessory, huh?
Stalin: Now before anyone else freaks out, let's take the Cook's body to the Study.
Stalin: I am the butler. I like to make the Kitchen tidy.
(QC to the Study. Everyone was carrying the dead Cook's body in when...)
Smartypants: The body is gone!
(Everyone dropped the Cook in confusion)
Karaoke: What are you looking at?
Froggo: No body.
Stalin: He means that Mr. Tesla's body is gone!
Info: Maybe he isn't dead.
Smartypants: He is! I explained him myself!
Info: Uh, nothing personal, Prof. Smartypants. But how do you managed to work in those
Smartypants: I have a very different kneecap.
Karaoke: Maybe we should have cut his head off to make sure.
Mills: Eew, Yuckosis!
Loud: WHAT A NUT!
Mills: Where is he now?! (Screaming insanely)
Smartypants: Better look for him, I supposed.
(Everyone looked around)
Loud: LIKE MRS. INFO SAY, MAYBE HE ISN'T DEAD!
Smartypants: He was last I check! But now, who knows?
Mills: Maybe there is...(look creepily at the camera) life after death! (Laughing
Stalin: Stop that!
Mills: Hey! I am always like this!
Info: Maybe something else must have happened to him!
Loud: HEY! MAYBE MR. TESLA KILLED THE COOK!
Mills and Info: Yes!
Stalin: How, Sherlock?
Loud: MY NAME IS MR. LOUD!
Stalin: I mean, how he managed to do it while we aren't looking?
(Loud pauses for a minute, then gave up)
Karaoke: Well, if you don't mind, I am going to...uh (to Molly) Is there a girl's room
Molly: Qui, qui, madam.
Karaoke: Now we will have none of that! This is a Kids WB parody.
Molly: Sorry. There is a bathroom in the Hall.
Karaoke: Thank you.
(After Mrs. Karaoke left, Ms. Mills noticed something on the desk and pick it up)
Mills: Hey, Stalin, what's this?
Stalin: Photos that Froggo mentioned earlier.
Froggo: What?! (Tries to grab them and miss)
Mills: Are you trying to blackmail him, Stalin?
Stalin: No! I was going to give them back to the colonel when Mr. Tesla is turned over to
Mills: Oooh...cute! Hey Molly! Want a look? They will freak you out! (Laughing insanely)
Molly: No way! I am not that tense!
Mills: (smiling) Oh? And how do you know?
Molly: Hey! Why should I tell you???
Smartypants: What kind of pictures do you have?
Froggo: Mine! Now give them back!
Mills: Not on your live! They concern me too!
(Smartypants, however, grab them and take a good look at them. His eyes turned wide)
Smartypants: Holy cow!
Info: Now no one can get into that position!
Smartypants: Sure they can. Let me...
Karaoke: (V/O from Hall) Prof. Smartypants! Don't you dare do anything you wouldn't live
to tell later!
Loud: HOW DID SHE DO THAT???
(We then hear a scream from the Hall. It is from Mrs. Karaoke. The guests ran out. QC to
Hall; Mrs. Karaoke is freaking out. Just now, she has just opened the door to the bathroom
and Mr. Tesla's body fell out and is falling onto her. He is, definitely, dead now thanks
to the bloody spot on his head. The party runs to help her.)
Smartypants: It's Mr. Tesla!
Loud: HE IS TRYING TO KILL HER! WHAT A NUT!
(They knock Mr. Tesla's body off of Mrs. Karaoke)
Stalin: Oh my ***, they killed Mr. Tesla...again!
Loud: YOU B******S...AGAIN!
Karaoke: Oh my...(about to faint)
Stalin: She is going to faint!
Smartypants: Quick! Catch her!
(Stalin tries to catch her. He fails as she fell to the floor.)
Stalin: Sorry, comrade.
Info: (to Loud) Uh, you got blood on your hands.
(Loud looks shocked)
Loud: I DIDN'T DO IT! (Wiping blood off hands with a cleanest)
Stalin: Well, this time he had been hit on the head with something.
Smartypants: Duh, like we didn't know that.
Stalin: Well, he's dead this time. But who wants to kill him twice?
Mills: But he isn't even Barney!
Stalin: No! I mean why would anyone try to kill Mr. Tesla twice?
Froggo: Total overkill, I say.
Smartypants: It is something we doctors call "psychotic".
Loud: MAYBE HE DIDN'T DIE BEFORE!
Smartypants: Who cares?
Stalin: (shouting) I do! There's a murderer in this house! We got to find where who he or
she is, what weapon they were using, and what room they did it in!
Smartypants: Stop shouting!
Stalin: (still shouting) I'm not shouting! (Pause) Oh right, I'm shouting! I'm shouting,
I'm shouting, I'm shout--
(A Candlestick fell out of nowhere and hit him on the head. Stalin felled. QC to Study.
Mrs. Karaoke has recovered and is now helping the guests bringing Mr. Tesla's body in.
They first though put the cook's body on the sofa. They are nearly out of breath doing
Froggo: Ok, now it's Mr. Tesla's turn.
(A few breaths later and Mr. Tesla's body is on the sofa. Stalin, by the way, has come
back with a bag of ice on his head.)
Stalin: Please, no blood on the sofa! I had just bought it!
Mills: But you didn't die yet!
Froggo: Now who...(looks disgusted at Mr. Tesla and shut his staring eyes)...now who has
the Candlestick last time I checked?
Mills: I did but I put it down.
Mills: On a table somewhere; one of you must have picked it up.
(Stalin, on the other hand, picked up the weapons that are still on the floor.)
Stalin: The remaining weapons are...the Revolver, the Rope, the Wrench, and the Lead Pipe.
I shall lock them all up in the cupboard so that psycho won't use them again!
Info: Well, do it already!
(He puts the weapons in the cupboard, close it, and lock it up. He was about to put the
key in his pocket when...)
Loud: HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Stalin: Putting the key in my pocket. Why?
Karaoke: Hey, the loud kid might have something. What if you are the murderer?!
Stalin: I am not!
Froggo: She might be right! You can opened the cupboard at any time and use those weapons.
Stalin: Tell you what: I am tossing the key away so I won't get the opportunity. But I am
telling you I am not a murderer!
(QC to Hall. The guests had now runs from the Study. Stalin ran to the door and opened it.
He was about to toss the key away...when he stopped. A man is there shocked. Stalin looks
embarrassed and put the key away. The man is wearing some sort of raincoat. He looks like
Stalin: Sorry about that. May I help you?
Man: Err, yes. My car broke down and I need to use your phone.
Stalin: Well, hold on a second...
(The guests discussed it along with Stalin. The Motorist, as we may call him, looks
Stalin: All course, you can use the phone. Please come in.
(He did so. Stalin closes the door.)
Motorist: Where is it?
Stalin: The body?
Motorist: (alarmed) Wait! What body??
Stalin: Err, I mean no body. There's nobody in the Study. (Chuckled nervously) Anyway,
there's a phone in the Lounge, which we used to "lounge" around.
Mills: Bad joke.
Loud: WHAT A NUT!
Motorist: (confused) Thanks, I guess.
(QC to Lounge. Stalin and the Motorist had just arrived. Stalin nodded to the phone that
is in there.)
Stalin: When you are done with your call, perhaps you should stay in here.
Motorist: Uh, okay?
(Stalin left. QC to Hall; Stalin closes the door to the Lounge and locked it. Froggo came
up behind him and tapped on his shoulder. Stalin jumped and turned around.)
Froggo: Where is it?
Froggo: The key.
Stalin: In my pocket, why?
Smartypants: Not that key. The other key!
Stalin: You mean the one to the cupboard with the weapons?
Stalin: You still want me to throw it away?
All: (loud) Yes!
(QC to front door outside. Stalin opens the door and throws it away. He closes the door.
QC to Hall; Stalin closes the door. Info started to get nervous)
Info: Stalin, let me out!
Info: Why not?
Stalin: Listen, the murderer is probably still in this house, comrades! We must team up
Karaoke: Fine, but if you try to leave, I will say you killed them both!
(Everyone else agreed. Mrs. Info looks angry.)
Info: This is your fault! When we get alone together...
Stalin: Mrs. Info, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you. Especially
since you are dumb as a rock!
Info: Your wrong! A rock's I. Q. is 5.5!
Froggo: Forget it about it! I am thirsty. Let's go the Library and get a soda.
(He then takes a look in the Study.)
Froggo: Good, still there.
Karaoke: What still there?
Froggo: Two corpses. Everything's fine.
(Rimshot. QC to Library; Froggo is pouring himself a cup of soda.)
Froggo: Everybody else wants some?
Karaoke: Sir! That's cruel, not to mentioned bad for our young viewers!
Froggo: I mean soda.
Karaoke: Oh, in that case, no.
Mills: I do! (Laughing insanely)
(He pours out the soda in her cup, as well as three more.)
Froggo: Listen up, people. That murderer is still in this house. (To Stalin) Stalin, am I
right in thinking that there are no one else in this house?
Froggo: So there's somebody else in this house!
Stalin: I say yes, there is no else in this house!
Froggo: What are you talking about, Stalin?!
Stalin: No Different Strokes references either!
(Info freaks out)
(Everyone stopped and looked at her)
Info: Shouldn't we get rid of that psycho before he realizes what is going on here?!
Mills: Yes! (Laughing maniacally)
Smartypants: Why should we toss him out of the house?
Mills: If we leave him in here, he will be suspicious!
Smartypants: If we toss him out, he will be even more suspicious!
Froggo: If I were him, I will be suspicious already!
Karaoke: Oh who gives a hoot? Let him stay for at least a few minutes! The police will be
here soon and we still have two dead bodies in the Study!!!
(Everyone hushed her, since the Motorist is still in the Lounge.)
Froggo: Well, there is still some confusion about if there is anyone else in this house.
Stalin: I told you there isn't!
Froggo: There isn't any confusion or there isn't anyone else in this house?
Froggo: Give me a ****ing answer!
Karaoke: No language!
Froggo: Sorry. Tell me your answer.
Stalin: Err, what is the question?
Froggo: (impatiently) Is there anybody else in this house?!
Everybody else: No!
Froggo: You know that, I now know that, but do we really do know that? I think it is best
that we search the house in a military way.
Froggo: We split up and search the house.
Karaoke: Split up?! Are you crazy?!
Froggo: No, I am Froggo.
Smartypants: Uh, are you suggesting we split up into pairs?
Smartypants: Now wait a minute! One of us might be the murderer! So one of the partners
will get kill by their partner!
Froggo: Then we will know who the murderer is!
Mills: But their partner will be dead! (Screaming psychically)
Loud: WHAT A GYP!
Froggo: Look this is war! Deaths always happened!
Karaoke: This is supposed to be a Kids' WB parody!
Froggo: Ah, shut it, willya?
Loud: ARE YOU SAYING WE SHOULD STILL SPLIT UP?!
Froggo: Do we have a choice?
Loud: HE IS RIGHT!
Molly: But I am scared of the dark! Does anyone want to come with me?
Froggo/Smartypants: I will.
Loud: NO THANKS!
Stalin: I think we should draw straws for partners.
Mills: We can't draw at a time like this! There is a murderer in this house!
Stalin: I mean cut up straws and whoever matches is their partner.
(QC to Kitchen. Stalin has cut up the straws into different sizes matching some. He then
put the straws in his hand so they can't be seen. He turned to the guests.)
Stalin: Ready? The two shortest together, the next two shortest together. Agreed? And I
suggest the two shortest search the cellar, and so on, up.
(The guests nodded and take a straw. They look for another straw that matches theirs. So I
won't take too long: Colonel Froggo and Ms. Mills' straws match and they are going to
check the main floor. Stalin and Mrs. Info's straws match and they are going to check the
upstairs rooms. Mr. Loud and Molly's match so they are going to check the attic. Prof.
Smartypants found out his match with Mrs. Karaoke. He smiled nervously)
Smartypants: Well I guess it is just you and me madam.
(Mrs. Karaoke looked disgusted)
(QC to Hall. All the guests have arrived. Stalin, Mrs. Info, Mr. Loud, and Molly had
started to go up the stairs. Stalin had shown Prof. Smartypants and Mrs. Karaoke to the
cellar. We go to Ms. Mills and Colonel Froggo)
Froggo: Well, the bodies are in the Study, we left the library, and my...I mean the
stranger is locked in the Lounge. So I guess we should checked all the rooms down here.
Mills: Way cool! (Laughing insanely)
Froggo: Stop that! Let's check the Billiard Room again.
Mills: Hey! I was going to suggest that! Meanie! (Stick her tongue out at Froggo)
(Prof. Smartypants and Mrs. Karaoke have just gotten to the door of the cellar. Mrs.
Karaoke has turned on the lights. They went in very carefully. QC to the second floor.
Stalin and Mrs. Info are checking the rooms on the second floor while Molly and Mr. Loud
goes to the Attic door. We heard thunder and other stuff while they are doing so. QC to
the attic; Mr. Loud had turned on the lights. However, he and Molly are afraid to go up
Molly: Well what?
Loud: AREN'T YOU GOING TO GO UP?
Molly: No way! It's scary up there!
Loud: DON'T BE RIDICULOUS! THERE'S NO ONE EVEN UP THERE!
Molly: Then why don't you go up there!
Loud: OH RIGHT! GEEZ WHAT A NUT!
(However, he didn't move and neither did Molly. QC to cellar; Mrs. Karaoke and Prof.
Smartypants had just arrived.)
Smartypants: Uh, ladies first?
Karaoke: I must refuse. You go first.
Smartypants: No, I insist.
Karaoke: Well, I insisted better. You go first!
Smartypants: What are you afraid of?
Karaoke: What you can scare me with whatever is coming out of your pants!
Smartypants: Just go!
(QC to the second floor again. Stalin and Mrs. Info had opened doors to separate room.
They looked at each other nervously)
Stalin: Err are you going in there?
Info: Why yes! Are you all going in there?
Stalin: You are correct.
Info: What, you Lucky Bob now?
Stalin: Never mind. Did you need any...
Info: No! (Recovers) I mean, no thank you.
(They started to go into the other room then both jumped out suspiciously. Note: Geez,
they people are idiots!)
(QC to Billiard Room. Col. Froggo and Ms. Mills is there. They are looking around (if you
weren't paying attention, shame on you!). Froggo grabs a cue stick. Mills looks alarmed.
Froggo motions with the stick to looked under the pool table. They both do. Nothing is
Froggo: What is with this guy?
Mills: Beats me.
Froggo: Don't tempt me.
(QC to attic. Mr. Loud and Molly still hadn't set foot in there.)
Molly: Go on! I'm right behind you!
Loud: I'M NERVOUS, OH RIGHT?! WHAT A GROUCH!
Molly: (sighs) Then we go together.
(They go up the stairs. Problem is they went up the same time so it is a tight fit. QC to
cellar. Mrs. Karaoke and Prof. Smartypants are still going down the stairs. Karaoke has
turned on the lights there. Smartypants, however, has slipped on the steps. Karaoke
quickly ran down the stairs to avoid being run down. Smartypants managed to regain his
Karaoke: (angrily) Are you crazy?! Watch where you are stepping!
Smartypants: Sorry. It's hard to get around in these pants.
Karaoke: (sarcastically) Geez, I wondered how that can be.
(QC to Hall. Froggo and Ms. Mills are there. Froggo has just opened the closet door.
Nothing is there. QC to master bedroom. Stalin is lost in the dark---literally.)
Stalin: If anyone is in here, then look out! Because I will have you purge and sent to
(QC to another bedroom. Mrs. Info is there, also lost in the dark)
Info: (frightfully) Is anyone there??? Hello???
(QC to Ball Room. Froggo and Mills had just arrived.)
Froggo: What kind of room is this?
Mills: Search me, and don't do it literally!
Froggo: Are you crazy?! I liked Aka!
(Note from JusSonic: Stick to the movie!)
(QC to cellar. Karaoke saw a rat and screams like that girl from Scream did.)
Smartypants: What happened?
Karaoke: Nothing. I saw a rat.
(QC to Ball Room. Froggo has turned on the lights, surprising Mills)
Froggo: No one's here.
Mills: Maybe he's behind those curtains.
(She points to the curtains near a piano that looks like the one Beethoven uses)
Froggo: Err, you go look. I'll search the Kitchen.
(Note from JusSonic: Hint, hint!)
(Froggo leaves and Mills started to freak out. She calms down. She notices the curtains
moving and thought it was her imagination. She decided to check it out and search the
curtains. Nothing's there)
Mills: Nothing! Gypola!
(Note from JusSonic: What about the window that is broken?)
Mills: It is?! Stalin is going to be peeved!
(Note from JusSonic: (Sighs.))
(QC to roadside. The Motorist's car is still there and is still broke. It is still
raining, by the way. A police car stops so the Cop inside can see what is
going on. Back to Study in the mansion. We see photographs, tapes, and other evidences
that Stalin mentioned earlier. A gloved hand picks them up...and threw them in the fire!)
Voice: No duh, Sherlock.
(Note from JusSonic: I am the author here, not you!)
Voice: Well, at least leave me alone!
(Note from JusSonic: Can't. I am telling the story here.)
Voice: What story?
(Note from JusSonic: Aargh!)
(He (still unknown to us, but those who seen the real movie gets the idea) then uses the
key to open the cupboard. Wait a second...wasn't the key thrown away?)
Voice: That's none of your business!
(Note from JusSonic: Hey wait a second! I am the author! You are supposed to ignore me)
(Note from JusSonic: Never mind)
(QC to Motorist's car. The Cop, whose looks like Martin Luther King Jr., looks through the
car with his flashlight he is carrying. QC to Lounge in the mansion. The Motorist is still
making his car)
Motorist: I'm very nervous, you see...
(Unknown to the Motorist, however, the fireplace started to open.)
Motorist: I'm in...some sort of house. I don't know. Must be out of a horror movie. For
some unknown reason, I'm locked in the Lounge. (Pauses) Yeah, I know. It's strange to me
(As he said the next line, a person holding a Wrench comes up sneaking up behind him)
Motorist: The funny thing is, there's a whole group of people here having some sort of
party. And one of them is my old boss from--
(However, he didn't finished his sentence; ever again as the Wrench whacks him on the
head. The phone falls. So is the Motorist. Dead. A gloved hand puts the phone back on its
mandle with an evil chuckle.)
Voice: That will teach him to inform on me.
(Note from JusSonic: Hey! Don't give away the answers!)
Voice: Oh shut up.
to Part 2