Fan Fics

HISTERIA NIGHT LIVE 3
By Robert Dougherty, Pokejedservo, and JusSonic

{Opens with an outside view of a house. A caption reads "Jeff Bennett's house. A.K.A Lucky Bob's voice" We now go inside to see the voice actor himself, Jeff Bennett, relaxing on a living room chair.}

Bennett: Ah, this comfy chair is yet another reason why I wish I didn't have such short time to take breaks. I've done about half the upcoming episodes for shows I'm in already, 8...or was it 7 or 9, there's so many I can't keep track. Well, whatever half of the real number is, I've done them, and now to sit back for about, oh, a couple more minutes until one of them calls me.

{Naturally, a phone nearby is heard ringing just then}

Bennett: Heh, I should have voiced Nostradamus on Histeria with phrases like that.{Picks up phone}Hello? Who is this? Wait, you want me to say something in my voice that sounds like John Cleese? Well, okay, American sounding person.

{Bennett starts talking in his John Cleese voice}

Bennett: Hello, are you some sort of pet shop man, because I've had bad luck with them. The parrot I got for them is no more and has ceased to be, and my fish called Wanda has disappeared somehow, whether the cat or some crazy guy ate it is the thing I can't figure out.{Normal voice}Was that good, but then again I've done it for years so it must be.{Pause}What do you mean that's why you're calling, and how did your voice change to being British?{Pause again}Oh no.

Voice:{From the telephone}I believe oh yes would be the proper comeback for that, being in the comic business for 30 years does give you the insight to see that.

{in the middle of the response, we cut to the studio of Histeria Night Live and see someone saying this stuff on a cell phone: it is, if you didn't know, John Cleese himself}

Bennett:{Nervous laughter}Heh heh, I guess it does, Mr Cleese. Now I guess you want to get to the obvious reason why you're calling me.

Cleese: Yes, you know, the old saying in life is ignorance is bliss. But while doing research on the past history of these self proclaimed histerical people, I found when it comes to having your voice used endlessly, you see that ignorance being bliss has never been proved more right.

Bennett: So you're angry with me for all those times I impersonated you on the Histeria show?

Cleese: No, just concerned actually. It's easy not to be angry for being mocked when you were on a sketch comedy show that mocks itself all the time. And I thought the Python troupe was bad at it, I mean did you see those last two shows Histeria Night Live did, and the one I'm about to be on seems no better.

Bennett: Um, yeah, anything that gets us off topic and into more pleasant conversation.

Cleese: Sorry, that would be easy to do since Python did it endlessly, but I only have a few minutes left here. Now, you've been doing impressions of me a lot over the years and not just on Histeria. I'm one of your most often used voices I've heard, but at least my voice wasn't as intimidating as the other celebrity you've mocked famously, the walking guy, right?

Bennett: Whatever you say, now what's the concern here? I don't have much time myself you know. Cartoon Network and Disney keeps a tight leash on their performers even though in Disney's case they never use us for their movies, always the celebs, it never fails. Oh, and don't be mad for me getting us off topic, it's forgivable when the point is correct and satirical.

Cleese: I would know that more than anyone, I suppose. Now, you do realize that the old WB shows are gone and comedy there is dead, right? And you can't always rely on Cartoon Network to give you roles on their shows that allow you to do impressions.

Bennett: But they did give me the only lead role I've ever had.

Cleese: And what a complex one it was, a macho chavinest pig, good role I must say.

Bennett: Okay, fine, I guess I deserved that. Wait, did I?

Cleese:{Speaks before Bennett can continue}Yes yes, now for my point. You may not have any shows in the future that allow you to impersonate people, who knows if you'll be in another ensemble wacky voice cast, there's no guarantee. So don't rely on my voice to get cheap laughs because who knows if you'll have the chance again.

Bennett: That's it? That's the weak punchline to this conversation? You know bad endings to sketches were a lot funnier on your shows when I wasn't in them. Well this was a letdown, I must say.

Cleese: I guess Americans don't have the whimsy to appreciate good stuff before it comes crashing down like us Brits do then.

{A studio guy then comes on and taps Cleese on the shoulder}

Studio guy:{Sad}2 minutes to showtime, Mr Cleese.

Cleese: Thank you good sir. Wait, what's with the long face?

Studio guy: That was my only line.

Cleese:{Talks on the phone again}Sigh, well I guess I can't be so angry at you after all for mocking me when I'll have to deal with it for 90 minutes, in person this time, starting soon.

Bennett: Okay, so long then, oh and to show you I do have some appreciation for letdowns, why don't we do the most obvious, predictable ending there is for a bit like this?

Cleese: Read you loud and clear, as they say. On 3...

Bennett/Cleese:{With Bennett in his Cleese voice}Live from Burbank, it's Histeria Night!

{Now the SNL spoofed title shots from "Writiers of the Purple Prose" "Inventors Hall of Fame, Part II" and a few other episodes starts to play. The Don Pardo esq voice speaks}

Voice: It's Histeria Night Live{Pictures of the people names are shown as they are named}With Aka Pella. Big Fat Baby. Bill Straitman. Charity Bazaar. Cho-Cho. Father Time. Froggo. Loud Kddington. Lucky Bob. Miss Information. Pepper Mills. Toast. World's Oldest Woman. Featuring Chit Chatterson. Sammy Melman. The Histeria band. Our first ever musical guest, Tim Curry! And your host.....John Cleese!

{Cut to the main set}

Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, John Cleese!

{John Cleese runs onto the set to the audience's applause as the opening music comes to a close}

Cleese: Thank you, thank you. It has been a...unique experience to be here this week, even though it is strange casting for me to be the host. This is because even though this show parodies Saturday Night Live, I am, of course, most famous for my work with Monty Python.{Applause}Hmm, I wonder if you'd have done that if the sign hadn't told you to? Anyway, the explanation I got was that although they're staying with the SNL humor, they needed a sort of adrenaline from another source since they are running out ofmaterial from there. And I suppose they thought it'd be funny to have someone from Britain's famous comedy show help spoof America's favorite. Unfortunately, Benny Hill has been dead for some time and the cast of "Absolutely Fabulous" was busy, so I guess I'm the next best thing. But seriously, there has been concern that I couldn't handle this since they drove their other hosts and guests up the wall with their insanity. Well, all I can say is that's the easy way to tell that someone has never watched Monty Python that I've ever seen. I can safely say that I am desensitized to mocking of myself and the bits I was in, which I have been for....how long has it been since my phone call ended, 2, 3 minutes? Yes, that seems accurate. So with that, any attempts to drive me crazy and make feel not all right, crazy crazy crazy keep me up all night, or however that inane song goes, will be of no avail. Which means the kids that were scheduled to come here and parody the Knights Who Say Ni bit will get little laughs.

{Toast, Froggo, and Lucky Bob come out in knights costume yelling "Ni! Ni! Ni!"}

Cleese: Those helmets don't let you hear very well, do they boys?

Toast:{Takes off his helmet}What was that, heh, even if we did have a shot to hear you, it'd be drowned out by the laughs on that bit, comedy legend dude.

Froggo: I don't think sucking up will get any additional laughter to the little we've gotten already.

Lucky Bob: Ni! Ni! Cut down this studio with a herring! Ni!

Cleese: Yes, we get it, and also boys, I think that was a strange thing to do when I don't think that I was even in that bit in that movie.

Toast: Well you already covered your parrot thing and the fish thing in that phone call, dude with no sense of humor, what's left?

{To answer that Chit comes on stage walking a very silly walk, and succeeding in it marginally}

Cleese: Ah, now there's a bit I was in, though I did it a tiny bit better back then.

Chit:{Tired} Yeah, thanks for making this part too hard for anyone else to do, case in point.{Chit falls down}Well, at least this is better than the tired jokes about me being sleazy that they'll certainly make later.

Cleese: True. Speaking of which, anyone else want to get their Python inspired bits over with?{Sammy runs in}

Sammy:{Stuttering}Mr Cl....Mr Clee.....Mr Cl....

Cleese: Oh come on, aside from writing the script I had little to do with Michael Palin's stuttering joke in A Fish called Wanda! All right then, someone get a Kevin Kline lookalike to eat his fish, and quickly before we have to cut a few sketches. Although that may not be a bad thing.

Sammy:{Recovering}Stop being so annoyed, I'm doing that for the both of us with the lawsuits coming in from SNL! We can't swamp the show with parodies of your show, maybe we can get one or two more in later on, but stop this now before we lose that right!

{Bill comes on looking like Kevin Kline}

Bill: I hate the English, I hate the English, tell me where the jewels are, K-K-K-Ken! All right, down the hatch, Wanda!

Cleese: All right, that will be quite enough of that, we've got a long show filled with SNL stuff to do.

Bill: But it's one of the few chances I get to be funny without an annoying co-star. Ah, you're no fun anymore.

Sammy: Thank you so much!{Ringing is heard and Sammy gets out a cell phone}Oh come on, that was a very tiny reference, I don't think many people got it!{Walks off}

Cleese: And now for something completely....slightly less crazy than this, the actual show! Tim Curry is here, so stick around, we will be right back!

MR TIME/SUBLIMINAL

{Opens inside a meeting room where Cleese, Sammy, Chit, and Bill are sitting at a table}

Cleese: All right people, it'll only be one more moment before the man responsible for a product he insists will be a new moneymaker for us comes in.

Bill: I hope this is good, I don't want to look like the audience that saw...hey, which of the movie bombs of the last few years would be fitting to mention, there are so many.

Sammy: Yes, we all are well aware of that, but I'd like to be sure I'm aware of the fact this guy used to work in subliminal advertising.

Chit: Is that good or bad? I don't like having someone get into my mind and controlling me, but who does?

Cleese: Okay, we'd better start this before any more bad jokes come in. Mr Time, would you yourself come in now?{Father Time enters}

Father Time: Hello board members. Well, let's get right to it and let's be introduced to the product that will make millions.{He pulls out a small shaver}It's an ear hair remover! There are so many old people in the world like me, and so I would know that they get very annoyed with extra hair in their ears. If there is a device that can trim nose hair, why should ear hair be left alone when it can join nose hair in the great beyond? With the strong numbers in the old age demographic, we will make a fortune for sure! So, what am I bid?

{The board is a bit speechless for a while until Sammy speaks}

Sammy: Um, Mr Time, heh, I have to say that you may have just spent lots of time wasting it, time that is. True, it's a nice idea, but you can just as easily use nose hair trimmers to trim ear hair, can't you? Therefore there is no need to build millions of that thing you're holding when the resources are avaliable.

Bill: I hate when my worries are correct, you did waste our time today, sir.

Father Time: I did? Well, if he says I did, I did-{speaks in a low and fast voice}tax evasion-{normal}I mean he is very respectable, and therefore reliable- embezzlement- so he is the best one to judge if something is good or not- plagerist.

Sammy: I wouldn't say that, rumor has it he's bad with taxes, and I think I heard somewhere that he was stealing from our company! Looking back, that may not be so far fetched.

Bill: Hey, that's not true!

Cleese: Good retort, steal it from anyone like you did from...whoever you stole an idea from! Get this scum out of our sight!

{Goons then come in and drag Bill out kicking and screaming}

Chit: Glad that trash has been taken out, now back to Mr Time's idea. I just don't think it's that workable. I mean we're only going for one demographic here, our sales will be very limited. Therefore, it can't fully work in the long term.

Father Time: Fair enough- affair- this guy seems like the guy who would always speak his mind and tell the truth- illicit affair- so he can be believed in what he says- office secretary affair- and there's nothing wrong with that- potential lawsuit.

Sammy: Good, now let's get on to new business then. I think we should address this stuff I've been hearing about office affairs, Al, you I believe are a prime suspect in that. You know darn well that will result in a lawsuit by someone!

Chit: Hey, that's not true!

Cleese: Hah, and he sticks together with the embezzler too, no one would use that line after a cheat said it except in a dried out comedy sketch, which this is not! Take him away!{Chit is then dragged out like Bill}

Sammy: Mr Time, perhaps this isn't the best time to talk about this product of yours, we're quite busy now.

Father Time: I understand- sexual harrasser- you have much better things to do right now- dirty stuff not meant for human ears to hear about- so I should get out of your way.

{Father Time leaves the office. Once out of it, he goes over to Lydia who is sitting at a desk nearby}

Lydia: Did that go well for you, sir?

Father Time: Man, were those guys likable- slap Bob- they were so supportive of me it's unbelievable- slap Bob silly- I had lots of fun- accuse him of harrassment- really I did- sue the jerk.

Lydia:{Angry}Excuse me, I have to go now and take care of business.

{She enters the office and slaps Sammy}

Lydia: You pig, you selfish pig named Bob, have you no decency?! I will not stand here and be treated this way, see you in court!{She slaps him again and leaves}

Cleese: I don't believe it, my suspicions are confirmed! Those harassment rumors were true after all, someone get this bum out of here!

Sammy: Hey, that's not...

Cleese:{Interrupting}That line's getting very annoying, I shall stop it now by having you dragged out!

{Sammy is dragged away as Father Time reenters}

Father Time: Just came back for my useless product.

Cleese: No, wait a minute. Those three people that said it was bad turned out to be really bad at judgement, so if they say it's awful, it might really mean we may have a winner on our hands. You've got a deal!

Father Time: Wow, how unexpected and unplanned, thanks!

Cleese: You're welcome, and now although I've said nothing funny of my own I shall leave to do whatever else I do around here, good bye.{He leaves}

Father Time:{Stares straight ahead}Works everytime-great sketch- never fails to amaze me- best laughs of the night- each time in inventive ways- don't change the channel- now, off to enjoy my fortune!- applaud loudly.{He leaves as the off screen audience applauds}

HITLER'S "ZORAK" SONG

(We now see Tim Curry dressed as Adolf Hitler about to come into the stage into one of his many concentraition camps. The audience is all the histeria cast members, VA's and authors dressed as imprisoned jews, except for the main kids in H! kid chorus as Hitler's chorus.)

Cleese (in a mixture of a germanic accent with his voice if that is possible): Good evening captured Jews! You are about to be actually honored by an amazing singing performance from our own Mer' Fuhrer himself.

(The audience cheers...well sort of.)

Curry (sounding like a mix of german accent and Joe Bowen's "Manly voice"): Thank you...*ahem*

(The music is now about to start...)

Curry: My heart is full of hatred & loathing.
Your shaven faces with barely any clothing.

(Music is now about to become a bit more upbeat)

LIKE I SAID, I CASTRATE YOU JERKS!
WHAT A BUNCH OF STUPID JERKS!

We'll smack you up! And stomp you down, stomp you out of your ugly towns AND MAYBE I'LL GIVE YOU MY GAS!

I am hitler, your in my trap...

(more guitar music is played)

Help me out I have no clue, why the heck should I spare any of you...

You all ain't my rank which means you shall all be dead. Soon you can't tell the butts from your heads...

Chorus: From your heads...

Curry: NOW BEND DOWN AND TAKE MY GREEN GAS!

Chorus: GAS!

(The guitar music continues til it ends. Now the audience is rather hesistant to apllaud to that, but after some gun-cocking persuasion from the "soldiers" they try to applaud like crazy.)

Curry: Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here til' the mid 1940's where I'll end up burning myself alive. And then years later I'll be shown in movies like Ralph Bakshi's "Wizards" and documentaries like that 2001 one for Walt Disney. (Though don't ask me what we really have in common other that we were skinny black-haired men.) Until then keep geting cruelly tortured and murdered. Buh-bye for now!

Toast: Dude, was that thing really necessary?

(The soldiers throw him out of the set.)

Toast: SORRY!

(Meanwhile Zorak & Brak from "Space Ghost" are watching this on TV in Brak's room.)

Zorak: Brak, I never thought I'd admit this but your right, THOSE NAZI'S WERE EVIL!

Brak: Because they systematically killed a great amount of people in the world?

Zorak: NO YOU MORON! THAT HACK HITLER RIPPED OFF MY SONG!

Brak: Oh right, sorry.

Zorak: S'right.

(Now back in the set as Cleese & the kid chorus)

Aka Pella: Mr. Cleese?

Cleese: Yes, what is it?

Froggo: What does this have to do with SNL?

Cleese: Well we could've had Neil Diamond or Will Ferell playing as Neil Diamond here in this sketch, but they thought it was too contrived.

Charity: Oh...why are you playing as a Nazi?

Cleese: British actors can play german villians, Curry had done voices like this before, so can I.

Loud: Yeah but he is a lot more convincing than you are.

Cleese: SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BRATS! And besides you kids don't exactly look like Nazi material yourself.

Aka Pella: Good point, especially for me. Hey gang lets get out of here.

The other KC members: Right!

Cleese: For once I agree, lets go.

(And they did)

TUFFETS
{Opens with Swedish music playing against a TV forum}

Announcer: Truffets. Truffets. Swedish Television presents Truffets. And now, your host, Magnus.

{Loud comes on dressed in whatever trademark Swedish clothing there is. He then sits down on one of the three chairs in the set}

Loud:{Swedish accent}God dag, good day, I am Magnus, and velcome to Truffets. Today is a very special Truffets because ve have a guest that could very well give Sweden something to brag about other than dog racing, polka, and Peter Forsburg. We have a comic genius here that could probably also show me how to think of a funnier way to end sentences like that last one. Please velcome Mr Gustav Johanssen!

{Cleese comes in and sits next to Loud}

Cleese: Gutentaag, Mr Magnus. Sorry that didn't have a punchline, but even us comics have to let the audience get their sides fixed from being split for a second!{Laughs}

Loud:{Deadpan}Your analogy is delicious and foreshadowing. What other Swedish comedy have you brought us?

Cleese: Someone put a polka in my hand and I'll show you.{A polka is handed to him on cue}Ladies and gentlemen, the world's first dancing polka player!

{Cleese starts high stepping while playing the polka. After a while his knee rises up and knocks the polka from his hands. He goes under it to catch it, but the plastic in the middle instead goes through his head, leaving him wearing the polka as a kind of neckbrace. He then plays a few more scrambled notes before stopping and sitting back down}

Loud:{Still deadpan}Your funny brilliance has made me looney.{Pause}There, now I am hopelessly lost to sanity. Please give me more.

Cleese: What, that didn't satisfy you enough? Um, um, okay, here's a joke for you. Did you hear the one about the dog racer who got stuck in the lake? His chances for victory then got ice cold, ha ha!

Loud: Not quite jaw dropping, but chuckle worthy. Next.

Cleese:{Stammering}Well, um, here's my imitation of a certain Colorado hockey player who isn't named Joe.{Starts talking in Swedish and then laughs again}

Loud: And the English version for our watchers in the States?

Cleese: We have what in the States? Oh boy, that wasn't a promising thing to say to me.

Loud: The boredom has started to creep into my physche, Mr Johanssen, and it's very boring.

Cleese: Well I can't be faulted if you have a poor attention span, can I?!

Voice: Okay Dad, the time to quit while you're only a little bit behind is now.{Charity walks in}

Loud:{Impressed}Well, hello there little lady, who are you?

Charity: Erika, Mr host, now could you let my father leave before you lose ratings from his unfinished act?

Cleese: And who's fault is that, mine or the Swedish comic community for having no comedy topics for me to pick on?

Loud: Who knows, but perhaps your daughter knows, sit down my dear.{Charity does}Say, would you like to touch my birdie?{A bird is seen sitting on a pedestial next to Charity}

Charity: I'd be, well, not that happy since that's hard for me, but I'll do it out of courtesy.{She reaches over to touch the bird}

Loud: Touch it! Love it! Liebe mein affe-mienke!{Pause}I got that one from my stay in Germany, no big whoop.

Charity: Wow, that is a pretty big bird.

{Just then a caption reading "Please Stand By" is seen followed by elevator music and Lydia's voice}

Lydia:{V.O}This is your friendly network censor, who just hit upon the idea of voicing my objections to material via voiceover and graphics instead of wasting my breath on those who think they can get away with offensive innendo. Heh, this is much easier than my previous methods. Well, I think they're done, back to clean words now.

{Cut back to the set}

Loud: Now I am as happy as someone like Mr Johanssan's daughter.

Cleese: As a comic who would like to get back in the spotlight of this show, I know what that means. And sadly, in the case of my little Erika, happiness isn't so easy.

Loud: Well perhaps an age old art will help a bit.{Goes over to Charity and starts tickling her}

Cleese: Hey hey, that's uncalled for!!

Loud: But since you're not using that polka now, this isn't.

{He grabs the polka and goes through the hole in it, then plays some notes while he makes it slide through his body, and them jumps out as he puts it on the floor. Charity is ROTFL}

Cleese: I can't say you laughing at him doing it and not me doesn't hurt, now can I?

Charity: But he tickled me, so I was in the mood for it that time! Now there's a funny guy right there!

Loud: You know I am versitile in other areas.

Cleese: Okay, you already stole the skit, or scene, or whatever comic farce we're in, just don't push your luck, k?

Loud: I'm so lucky to have seen something so vunderful that you couldn't possibly drive it all away.

Charity: Boy, you weren't kidding on that versitile spot.{Under her breath}Thank goodness those writers finally got a scene right, i.e any one that allows this to happen.{Normally}I have talents as well, which I would like to show you as reward for laughter, funny and cute boy.

{Charity runs over to Loud: but before anything happens the Please Stand By caption shows up and Lydia speaks again}

Lydia:{V.O}Ha, this thing is good! It certainly did the job of not showing some, what looks like partically unsettling passion between those underage kids. Blasted writers for giving in to those Loud/Charity love ideas. Okay, I think Mr Cleese stopped them, enjoy the rest of the sketch and please keep the letters to a minimum.

{Back on the set, an outraged Cleese is growling at Loud}

Loud: Um, technically she went to me, have any memory of that?

Cleese: Thoughts of retaliation for scene and child stealing from your guest do tend to drive memory out, I think.

Loud: Okay. Now's the time on Tuffets when we run in circles!{Loud runs around the set with Cleese chasing him until he comes up to the camera}That's all the time for Tuffets, my name is Magnus, my guest is an unfortunatly preoccupied Gustav Johanssen, hye da, goodbye!

{Loud skips away just as Cleese comes near him, and Cleese therefore winds up bumping into the camera and falling to the ground, making both the kids laugh just before they walk off together

In "Halen" something toasty or Better off Bread and all those other groan-inducing puns

(Meanwhile in the back room while the writers & Sammy & Lydia work on something for the show.)


Sammy: Alright people! People! People! We need to have a new gimmicky line in order to make this "fresh & original".

Robert: Well here is something Sammy why not we actually "do" something original instead of one of our "reasonable facsimiles"?

PJS: Yeah and doesn't that "gimmick" thing only work for movies?

Sammy: Eh who asked you pokey? I mean its not like you wrote anything by yourself lately.

PJS: To quoth thy Crow & Tom Servo "Bite me its fun!"

Lydia: This isn't another one of your "innuendos" isn't it!?

PJS: Duh....no...

Lydia: Oh good I already had enough trouble with robert's "delinquincy" on tht last skit. The last thing I need from you Mr. PJS is another one of your "bits of comedy".

PJS: Geez, don't blow an artery Lydia.

Lydia (while oddly enough holding a gun to my neck): WHAT WAS THAT?!

PJS (while covering his neck): Aw c'mon miss K, I said for YOU to not blow an artery, not one of mine!

JS(whispering to robert): Somebody's being a real grumpypuss today.

Robert(whispering back): Yeah and I suppose the fact that a censor like her would point a gun at someone is a wee bit ironic too.

Lydia(while pointing the gun at them): I'M A CENSOR ON THE EDGE YOU TWO AND I DON'T NEED ANY LIP!

Robert: Ok, ok we are sorry!

JS: Yeah and besides your little fit of violence isn't exactly helping out your job any.

Lydia (now calm): Good point...(tosses the gun away but is now saying this under her breath) if only censorship could be that easy.

PJS: OK, before this episode ends up having a body count lets try to get little something for lunch.

JS: Sure...

Robert: Ok...

R6: Can you make me some toast first?

PJS; Okay...

(He walks off into the kitchen in the studio, yes theres a kitchen in there so please bare with me. As he is about to set the bread to toast. He gets a rather "odd" feeling.)

PJS: Hahahahaha I shall start that rather "bumpy" experiment ith not only toasting bread but ACCIDENTALLY BRINGING IT TO LIFE! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh wait...did I say "accidentally"?

(Now some old 80's rock music is playing in the background while Poke maniaclly laughs as he covers the bread in a cloth in true "frankensteinian" fashion as he is about to make toast.)

PJS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AT LAST MY CREATION IS ABOUT TO COME TO LIFE!

(After a few moments he removes the cover to find a piece of toasted about to stand up and play the guitar, yes this bread is voiced by Tress MacNeille and yes I'm a cheap schmuck.)

PJS (in a somewhat Tim Curry voice): Oh. Toasty!

(Now he slaps himself silly for referencing a decade-earlier film.)

"Toasty" (while playing his little guitar): Oh Yeah!
Oooh yeah!

(More guitar music continues)

Toasty: You can't get romantic on a subway line...
Conductor don't like it, says your wasting yout time.

(As he hops around the room.)

CAUSE EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!
I WANT SOME TOO! OH!
CAUSE EVERYBODY WANTS SOME! OH!
BABY HOW 'BOUT YOU?! OH!

(Now he is with a nearby group of "bread sticks" basking their feet in cinnamon dip whom are Charity, Aka, Cho-cho, & more.)

I took a mobile light, lookin' for a moonbeam. Ow!
Yeah, ya stand in line ya got lost in a jet stream

(As he is now dancing with a "Pepper shake".)

CAUSE EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!
I WANT SOME TOO! OH!
CAUSE EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!
BABY, HOW 'BOUT YOU?! OH!

(Norung & Robert & JS open the door and find PJS dancing & singing as the condition of the kitchen is not completely desirable. Poke notices this as he looks awfully embarassed.)

Norung(dryly): Poke, what are you doing?

JS: Say Rob, did you hear anything perculiar coming from the kitchen door?

Robert: Other than poke maniaclly laughing & shouting "EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!", not really...

JS: Oh good, I just thought I doublecheck just in case I missed something.

Robert: Quite alright.

PJS: Eh it was one of my experiments?

JS: Trust me, we'd be better off without your experiments.

The present authors: Yeah!

PJS: Alright! Alright! mumbling under his breath like you guys tried to do any better.

The current authors: What was that?

PJS: Oh..nothing..(chuckles nervously)..I'll go clean up now.

(The others looked at eahover and went off. But as Poke was busy cleaning he sees Toasty & the Pepper shakeshare & nice little embrace as they give thumbs up to eachover.)

HISTORY UPDATE
Announcer: And now, History Update, with anchor person Bill Straitman.{Fade to Bill at the Update desk}

Bill: Good evening, I'm Bill Straitman, and I've run out of opening catchphrases.

In 1919, the Versallies Treaty was signed which ended World War I. And 100 dollars to anyone who can name anything else that happened in that war other than that duke's assasination. Now, I'm probably gonna get started on a rant here, but do we really have any ideas on what the events of World War I were? Oh we know the stuff from WWII cover to cover, Pearl Harbor, Hitler, D-Day, the bomb, but who knows anything about the original war? Don't they know that sequels arent better than the original? And we also know the Civil War, the Revolution, Vietman, and even Desert Storm off the top of our heads, but try thinking of who the leaders and generals were in the world's first big scuffle and there's where the brain fails us. This may be true, and it may be something I thought of only because the joke to that story wasn't any good, but we here at Histeria started off by teaching history, so we have a right to complain about stuff that isn't taught at all!{Pause}We don't? Boy, times like this you wish you read your contract. Anyway, back to the news.

Ah 1975, a year where something great happened. Something special premired that, if it had not, tonight's show would not be possible, a standard for humor. Yes, 27 years ago "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" came out and boosted the fame of tonight's host, John Cleese. Oh, and I think a guy named Lorne made some late night show too.

It finally happened in the mid 500'rds, the Roman Empire finally disbanded and went out of business. But don't worry, the man responsibile for it's contraction, Buddus Seligus, shall make sure Nero and friends are put in an expansion draft to be picked up by Italy, Greece, and others.

Orville and Wilber Wright invented the airplane in the turn of the last century. On the cue card it states some cruel joke about how they therefore are to blame for crashs and attacks, but I won't read it. And naturally I just did, so forget I said anything.

William Henry Harrison dies after 30 days in the office thanks to catching a cold. And college boys complain about their initiations.

Winston Churchill becomes the beacon of hope for Britiain during their battles with Germany. We all know his famous words that they shall fight on the beaches, on the streets, on the sidewalks, on Uncle Joe's living room, on the TV's, on your throw rugs, and on the parking lots, and they will never surrender. Sniff, I love that so much.

Oh, this just in, there's been a request on a special eidtorial here. We were intending to have one on the behind the scenes of this show, but that last sketch ruined it. Still it appears our censor insisted one be done anyone, so here's one of our writer's to do it. Ladies and gentlemen, Pokejedservo.

{Pokejedservo is now seen sitting next to Bill}

Pokejedservo:{Mechnical voice}Thank you Mr Straitman. Let me say what an honor it is to be here working on this show, and that it is as normal and productive as possible. Our writers do not have crazed inventions or fantasies that prevent us from working well, and our censors do not go off the deep end to make sure that happens. They are calm, concered, terrifically balanced people, who have wonderful, sane writers under their guidance.{Normal}Is that all? There's more? Come on, I cleared her up of insanity, what more does she want?! Oh fine.{Mechnical}We have perfect harmony behind the scenes, with competance galore and irrational thoughts and sick fantasies nowhere to be found.{Normal}Okay, is covering up more important than lying to you guys, cause I'm proud to be irrational and contraversial and several others share my views! Forget this, it's truth time!{Excited}I love Charity in a unique way! I love things being different and having different people paired up! Tim Curry is my God! Being crude is a great expression of free speech! I am the Larry Flint of Histeria without a wheelchair and a magazine and a relationship with Woody Harrelson!! Spread the word, defeat the facists! And although it's tempting to let guards carry me off to prove my point, I....no wait, what's the point of keeping dignity, lying about myself and my tastes ruins it too much! Boys, take me off and know you hurt the hands that pay you!{Guards grab Pokejedservo to the boos of the audience}And I'm a prophet too, that's always good for popularity. Thank you anyway, and fight the good fight for uneasy material!{He is carried away}

Bill: Pokejeservo everyone! Boy, they always warned me that following a mad prophet wasn't good, but here goes.

Thomas Edison invented the light bulb at Menlow Park, New Jersey, making it possible for us to see in the dark without lighting candles. Take that, shadowmen!

King Tut became Egypt's most famous boy ruler, but unfortunatly died at an early age and was mummified with all his priceless possesions. Therefore he became the only teenager to keep a clean ro- oh, we did that one already.

Speaking of Egypt, it was also the stage for the famous tales of Moses, who led his people to freedom, had them pass the Red Sea, and then discovered the Statue of Liberty and d*mmed Ramses and them all to H*ll.

William Shakespeare showed up in the 16'th century and wrote the most famous plays in history. That really must have kept him really busy, and that is the story that's tole by the Bard. Hey nanne na na na, tra la la, you know how that goes.

And tonight we have sad news to report as one of the most famous animators in history, Chuck Jones, is dead at 89. But something will not die. My career because I will not kill it by making some stupid joke about a great creator's death. I mean, his characters outnumber me 20-1, I'd never make it out in one piece, it's simple logic!

Finally Stradavarius is the man we give credit to for creating priceless violins that shook up the music world, yes they shook up the world. He must be the greatest!

Well, once again our ratio for real jokes compared to ones referencing entertainment and movies decreased big time. Don't we have any brands of humor that do not revolve around pop culture? They're lucky I already did my rant and that they surely got us off the air with that last joke, or I'd....oops, I forgot whatever parody of an SNL end line they thought up of this week. Wait, we don't have anymore left, so I shouldn't be held guilty!{Pause}I do not know my bosses at all. Well Poke, you're gonna have company soon, so goodnight, I'm Bill Straightman, that's my sotry and I'm not changing it.{Another pause}Thank you Colin Quinn for proving me wrong two theories ago.{Bill walks off in indifference as we FTB}

CELEBRITY CONFUSIUS GROUP
{Fade in to the Confusius Group panel}

Annoucer: From whatever studio this is in, it's the Celebrity Confusius Group, an unrehearsed discussion of current issues, only this time we have celebrities discussing them. And here they are.

{The darkened stage lights up as we now see the celbs as they are introduced}

Annoucer: First, the co-star of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" that isn't in every other sketch tonight, Eric Idle. Second, the star of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", co-star of several movies, frequent voice actor of villians, and part time singer, Tim Curry. Next, another star of Rocky Horror, who also was in a little known sequel and....whatever else we don't know, Richard O'Brien. And finally, voice actor, voice over in car commercials, and co-star of "Time Bandits", "The Man With Two Brains", and "Titanic", David Warner. And now, the moderator, Confusius.

{A gong is heard as we pan to Confusius in his chair}

Confusius: Issue no.1, we always discuss philosophy issues around here, but tonight we're throwing them out the window like incriminating evidence, which guys from a company starting with the letter E didn't do good enough. Why the selling out and changing of meaningful issues to pointless ones{fast}Eric Idle!

Eric Idle: Well, um, stay of execution from rating starved execs? If that's true, be glad you don't live in Britain where you only got 20 episodes to do anything no matter how much of a cult fave you-

Confusius: Tim Curry!

Tim Curry: Hold on, I thought the joke of this thing was you only let him have 2 seconds to talk, he had 5, and-

Confusius: Richard O'Brien!

Richard O'Brien: Well, if you're the star here, shouldn't they tell you why they're changing things, so why are you asking us?

Confusius: David Warner!

David Warner: I don't watch your show, so I have no clue what you're talking abo-

Confusius: Wrong! You had to research this show and you watched it for 3 hours on end!

Warner: Hopefully I won't regret it. So what was the answer to the issue thing any-

Confusius: Issue 2! March Madness is almost here, who's gonna challenge the Dukies, Eric Idleness?

Idle: Um, if you want me to actually participate in this, could you actually ask something I could an-

Confusius: Tim Curry on a stick!

Curry: Sorry, I'm more of a voice guy than a sports gu-

Confusius: Richard "1984" O'Brien!

O'Brien: Well at least I'm being asked something different other than a Rocky Horror question, though that's all I'm known fo-

Confusius: Davey!

Warner: Hey, how come those guys all got the clever name changes?

Confusius: Wrong! Those were half witted at best, next issue! Why aren't any of you hosting tonight's show, what does John Cleese hold over you, Eric Eric Bo Berek!

Idle: I guess he's more popular. I mean he has done more than any of us although I can sing a lot better than he ca-

Confusius: Wrong! I don't know what you're wrong about, but it's something. Tiny Tim!

Curry: They really should have chosen me, I mean they should compensate me for not suing when they used my voice without permission for those "fanfics"

Confusius: Wrong, you let them use it because you're a glory hog! Richie Rich!

O'Brien: I don't know, though I would like to talk to them about having that good child actor who played my role not getting that girl, he was go-

Confusius: Wrong, you wanted him better off cause the ensuing scandel would give you some fame for the first time outside of a midnight theater!

O'Brien: I'll have you know that's a more powerful position than you think, those fans are strong in numbers.

Confusius: Wrong on the first part! Yakko!

Warner: Oh come on, that name didn't make any sense!

Confusius: Trust me, we just gained a whole lot of Animanaics fans to our side with that one. Issue 4!

Warner: Wait, didn't you want to hear my answer to John's hosting?

Confusius: Wrong!

Warner: Oh I hope no one was dumb enough not to see that coming.

Confusius: Issue 4, why didn't we do this last time when the guy most famous for impersinating that McLaughlin guy was here, Monty!

Idle: Because they wanted to be less gratitous?

Confusius: Wrong, they ruined that chance the minute that Spade guy walked in! Tim "Adolf" Curry!

Curry: Do you actually want us to answer these questions or just react to those bad nicknames?

Confusius: As long as it increases ratings in order to get those execs off my back, it's the first one, so get comfy! Rich, hold the Riff Raff!

O'Brien: Are we ever going to get some good scenes of our own in this- oh, wrong, right?

Confusius: Wrong! Oh wait, that was right, sorry. Let's ignore that out of character line and go to David, the man with one brain!

Warner: Okay, this is really stupid! These other three are used to being in over the top sketches and features, but I don't like this humilation! This is shamless, stupid stuff and I value my dignity too much to be in this!

Confusius: Value your dignity? You wouldn't say that if you saw yourself in "Tron"! Issue 5, why are you here? Idle hands!

Idle: They turned us down as hosts and John got us this guest spot.

Confusius: What? How am I supposed to keep us my now trademark act when you tell the truth?!

Curry: Well, I personally would like to get out of here, I have a singing spot to get ready for.

Confusius: Oh thank you, now we have a new issue! Why did he get more screen time than all of you?

O'Brien: I'd like to know that myself, I mean I did do just as much singing in that movie we were in and I was somewhat of a good guy. And I didn't have a murdering dictator spoof me later.

Curry: He was trying to broaden his horizons! At least that what he said when he wasn't laughing while trying to get my permission for letting him do my role. And I feel honored that my role was chosen for him to do that, the first part I mean.

O'Brien: Oh, that's only because you've been busy, us people not as active can be just as good, you know!

Idle: Hey, if you kill each other in the arguement that's gonna happen later, can I fill in as music guy? Did you see our Meaning of Life movie, I sang all the songs in that and quite nicely too. Here, I'll sing the "Every Sperm is Sacred" song to prove it to-{he is cut off as the front of a fake, but large hammer, hits him in the head and he falls}

Confusius: Thank you censor lady. Issue 6, or was that 7?{Another gong is heard}Well, we'll answer that next time because we're out of time this time.

Warner: Not with us, you won't. Let's go boys, our embarassment is over and done with.

O'Brien: But unfortunatly for poor Tim, the stigma of starring in "Charlie's Angels" still hasn't died down.

Curry: You just said that because you couldn't think of anything better to say.

O'Brien: Great, out of work and predictable too.

Confusius: Fine, but next time will be most unpredictable as we ask where all my philosopher friends went to, and do they hold any grudges against me that I should hire a bodyguard over? Bye bye!

{Confusius waves good bye as the celbs drag Idle off and head off stage, where Cleese is waiting for them}

Cleese: Oh that was great, I knew you guys were perfect for this!

Warner: Some way to appease us for being snubbed John, that was the biggest waste of an all star cast since "John Q"!

Curry: Um, maybe you should have chosen something less new to get a bigger impact of how awful this was!

Idle:{Dazed}Bring out your dead! Nudge nudge, say no more!

Cleese: Um, okay Eric, could the rest of you not referencing your past work to the ground wait to get me after the show, I still have some work to do.

O'Brien: You sure you don't want an easy way out of this? But then again, this show is doing enough bad self loathing without me following up on it, so it's back to the background for me. Come on boys, let's amscray.

{The other celebs leave as Confusius comes up to Cleese}

Confusius: That was the worse, most stupid drivel I have ever-

Cleese: Um, they're gone now, so you can stop trying to agree with them so they can't use their Hollywood connections to run you out of town for disagreeing with them.

Confusius: Thank goodness, I had too much fun to carry on the ruse! But let's go to the next bit before we ruin it by being too good.

Cleese:{Uneasy}Yes, too good, that's hardly a lie.{FTB}

MOMENTS IN AFRICAN AMERICAN HISTORY (We now see Stalin, voiced by Curry in a Black screen.)

Narration (Frank Welker): And now for "Moments in African American History" with your host...Josef Stalin? When in the? (now sounds nervous and I'm sure you know whats implied here) Uh...I mean WITH YOUR HOST JOSEF STALIN!

Stalin: Good Evening, Black History Month may be over but I, Josef Stalin will like to tell you how WE russian communists were involved in African American History.

(Aka storms in looking a wee bit peeved.)

Aka: Hold it mister! I'm all for originality & something potentially Un-PC and stuff like that BUT WHEN IN THE SAM HILL DID A BUNCH OF PASTY WHITE RUSSIANS WERE INVOLVED IN THE HISTORY OF BLACK AMERICANS?!

Stalin: Now before I sent my men to carry you off for that RUDE intrusion, I shall inform you of why the African American history was involved with us Communists.

Aka: Wait a minute will this have anything to do with the Tuskegee Airmen? Y'know the Negro Air Force that was fighting with the US upon World War II?

Stalin: Wow, you've been studying those history books now have you?

Aka: Naw, I've been watching that recent Cuba Gooding Jr. movie which covered the events precisely.

Stalin: Of course...ehh I mean NO! After all I'm talking about those who were actually WITH us.

Aka: What do you mean?

Stalin: Ever heard of Richard Wright?

Aka: You mean the infamous author who wrote stories about racial intolerance in the south during the early 20th century? Whom not only written fictional works like "Native Son" and his own autobiography "Black Boy" and actually starred in a cinematic adaptation in "Native Son"?

Stalin: Yes, he and other southern African American men enlisted themselves with us Communists, he did it so he'll have more freedom & financial ability to write.

Aka: So this born Mississipian did something like this that could've been considered treacherous to his true native land?

Stalin: There weren't all that many people who complained, besides you try to remain "patriotic" when most of the people you meet think you shouldn't be treated like a human being.

Aka: True, and I suppose you can relate to giving others some "inequal treatment", especially how you usually have your men do the work for you Stalin.

Stalin (dryly): Oh really?

Aka: Hey just following my character.

Stalin: Yes, well anyways that is a true moment when in African American History is when WE COMMUNISTS were involved!

Aka: Don't you think your being a little cocky about this?

Stalin: Quiet you, now I have educated you about how you African Americans were once temporarily invloved with us. I am through with my lesson with you.

Aka: Thanks for the lesson Mr. Stalin.

Stalin: Thank you, and now its time for my men to send you away.

Aka: What the?!

Stalin: Hey, just following my character.

Aka (grumbling): I SHOULD'VE seen this coming!

(Stalin's men caryy her off)

Aka: HEY I'M WITH YOUR "LITTLE BUDDY" FROGGO REMEMBER?!

Stalin: That gives you no leeway, besides remember that little Blond girl that he was with?

Aka: SHE'S STILL WITH LOUD! AND BESIDES HE ONLY THOUGHT LIKE THAT A WHILE AGO, THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING OFFICIAL!

Stalin: Hey who knows what these kooky writers will come up with? After all that "opposites" appeal won't last forever. chuckles

Aka: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Stalin (a little worried): Uhh...quick one of you guys should whack her head now!

(One of the communists did that, and now she isn't 100% concious)

Stalin: Well whatever may happen, do celebrate the legacy of Black History with Friends, Family and KIDS WB!

Aka: KiDs Wb!

Stalin: Eh...yeah...

SAMURAI BOOK STORE
Announcer:{Under his breath}Sheesh, I can't take one break tonight, it's like it's so much to ask for...we're on? Darn.{Normal}And now, another episode of "Samurai Book Store" starring Japanese haiku poet, Basho.

{Opens inside a book store. After a look at it we go to a counter, where the aformentioned star, Basho the haiku poet, is standing in the samurai uniform he was in in his two H! apperances. Miss Info then comes over holding a book}

Miss Info: Hi there. I've been wandering around here since I've had a lot of free time right now 'cause I'm not in any bits in my comedy show, but anyway, inside joke aside, I'd like to purchase this book.

{Basho then screams in Japanese and pulls out a sword. He then points it at Miss Info}

Miss Info: Hey, watch that, you could poke someone's leg off with that thing!{Basho screams again}Look, is this some kind of new salesman thing where you _don't_ want to make money by scaring away the customer? It's 70% working, so I guess you're actually doing pretty good.

{Basho screams again and this time is pointing at a purse Miss Info is holding in her other hand}

Miss Info: Watcha pointing there for? Is this a game? Heh, you're lucky I got nothing to do or I wouldn't be in a playing mood.

Basho: Money!

Miss Info: Oh, oh, you want the money to pay for this! Of course.{Hands out money}Hey, I thought the running gag for characters like you was you never spoke any English, like that funny fat guy who died 20 years ago.

Basho: Waiting was too long! And that sketch with only one joke you referenced was too long! Dialouge make it less painfully long!{Screams again}

Miss Info: Well, can't argue with that. And that's easy 'cause I don't understand what I'd be argueing against. I'll just take my book and escape now.

{She leaves and, of all people, Jeff Bennett comes up next}

Bennett: Excuse me sir, I have a purchase to make.

Basho: Hair too long!!{He jumps over the counter with sword in tow and Bennett has to dive Basho's attempts to slice his hair}

Bennett: Hey, I have many friends, fans, and celebrity connections to make you regret that! Well, I only impersinate those in the catagory of the third thing I said, but they appreciate being made fun of more than you think. You know, there's a funny story about that, I just had the best conversation with one of them an hour ago. Ya ever watch this British sketch comedy show?

Basho: Monolouge too long! Wait for money too long!!

Bennett: And why do you think that's happening?

Basho: Script, it stretch bit too long!

Bennett: Well, aren't we sword cutting happy and delusional. On second thought, I think there's a exec wanting me for another guest spot on a show, so now I guess I'm due back on planet Earth now, bye!

{Bennett leaves. Basho returns to the counter where Cho-Cho and Lucky Bob are waiting}

Lucky Bob: That guy back there was funny now.

Cho-Cho: Hi mister, we have some books to purchase. This research project to get on the other side of a deal has been working good so far.

Basho:{Screams in Japanese again}

Cho-Cho: Okay, sheesh, no need to get pushy, here you go.{Gets out a stack of money and lays it on the counter}

Basho: Stack of money too long!! HI-YA!!!!{He slices the stack in two with his sword}

Cho-Cho:{Uneasy}Okay, well, I guess I deserve that for speaking too soon. Come on Lucky Bob, project's over.

Lucky Bob: Okay, he talks too badly anyways, sir. Hi yo!

Basho: Irony not lost, it's too short not to!

{Now Cleese comes walking by}

Cleese: Hello, is the manager of this place around here somewhere?

Basho:{Talks and then screams in Japanese}

Cleese: Um, hopefully that meant he's coming here, for I would like to speak to him about a great offer for his bookstore. I want to hold a sale/presentation of several classic books, and this seems like a good place to do it in.

Basho: Short books?

Cleese: Well, they are wonderful books from a wonderful group of writers. We have all of Hemmingway's great selection, Emily Dickenson's dark and delightful poems, Twain's timeless tales of the original troublemaking kids, Dickens's fables which you'll definatly want some more of, and let's not forget Shakespeare and Moliere's unforgettable contributions to the written word world, they're all here!

{Basho has gotten angerier and angerier with every word Cleese has said, for reasons you know of if you saw the Superwriters ep}

Cleese: So, sounds good doesn't it? Although we had to take out all those haiku poems to decrease this large haul, I think it sounds irresistable nonetheless, and I'm hoping customers here think so too.

Basho: How tall are you?

Cleese: Now how is that on topic?

Basho: How tall?!!!

Cleese: Um, 6'4, why?

Basho:{Sneaky grin}Man too long!

Cleese: Heh, good joke there, I know something about jokes and that's a good one!

Basho: Not just a joke pal, But a preminition of, YOUR FATE OF SHORTNESS!!{Draws out his sword}

Cleese: Oh dear, it's time for my afternoon run, I'll come back later, and not in pieces I hope. Ahhh!!!{Cleese runs off as Basho chases him while swinging his sword}

Announcer: This has been another episode of "Samurai Book Store"

TIM CURRY MUSIC #1

Cleese: And now for something completely different...ok not "completely" but...ah forget it. Ladies & Gentleman, Tim Curry.


(The room is dark, and so is Curry's attire as some gothic guitar music is played.)

Curry: I put a spell on you, because your mine.
You better stop the things your doing.
I ain't lying...

I just can't stand the way your always running round.
I just can't stand it..the way your always trying to put me down.

I put a spell on you, cause your mine.

(Music gets a little louder)

I put a spell on you, because your MIIIIIIIIIIINE!

You better stop the things your doing, I ain't lying, you know I ain't lying.

I just can't stand it baby, the way your always running round, I just can't stand it baby on how your always trying to put me down, I put a spell on you, because your mine.

Because your mine, Because...Because your mine.

(More guitar music)

I love you, I love you, I love you baby oh how.
And I don't care if you don't want me I'm yours right now. I put a spell on you, cause your mine.

(Guitar music)

Cause your mine, cause your mine.

(The audience cheers)

DEAD PARROT ROLE REVERSAL
{Opens inside a pet shop. We see Jeff Bennett enter the store and he procees to talk in his John Cleese voice}

Bennett: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.{Pause as the man behind the counter does not turn around}Hello, Miss?

{The owner turns around and we see it's Cleese himself- but even more surprising is that he is talking like his former Python co-star Michael Palin now}

Cleese: What do you mean "miss"?

Bennett:{Under his breath in his normal voice}Ooh, now the fun really starts for me.{Cleese voice out loud}I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Cleese: We're closin' for lunch.

Bennett: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Cleese: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

Bennett: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Cleese: No, no, he's uh,...he's resting.

Bennett: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Cleese: No no he's not dead, he's, he's resting! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn't it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Bennett: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Cleese: Nononono, no, no! He's resting!

Bennett: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!(Shouts at the cage)Hello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(Cleese hits the cage)

Cleese: There, he moved!

Bennett: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Cleese: I never!!

Bennett: Yes, you did!

Cleese: I never, never did anything...

Bennett: (Yells and hits the cage repeatedly)HELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Bennett takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. He throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Bennett: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Cleese:{Under his breath in his normal voice}Not too bad, I must say, a bit shrill, but that is how I did it back then. Oops, better save the satire for when I'm off the air!{Palin voice out loud}No, no.....no, he's stunned!

Bennett: STUNNED?!?

Cleese: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was waking up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Bennett: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Cleese: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Bennett: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?!

Cleese:{Normal voice}Would you mind doing that less loudly so I can concintrate more? Although again, that is how I did it on the show.

Bennett:{Normal voice}Again? I didn't hear you say that before, is there a problem with how I do your voice for you? But judging from Mr Melman jumping up and down at this thing's failure, you'll have to be excused from this issue for a few more minutes.{Cleese voice}Now look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?

Cleese:{Palin voice}The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, isn'it, squire? Lovely plumage!

Bennett: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

Clesee:{Pause}Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Bennett: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! He's bleeding demised!

Cleese: No no! He's pining!

Bennett: He's not pining! He's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

Cleese:{Pause}Wow, no wonder they asked you to make fun of me during every episode of that Histeria show. I mean, um{Palin voice}Well, I'd better replace it, then.(He takes a quick peek behind the counter as he talks underneath his breath)Heh, if you want to get laughs in skits like this you've got to mock it's stupidity to the point that jokes like that aren't funny anymore.{Turns around}Sorry squire, I've had a look around the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

Bennett: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Cleese:{Pause} I got a slug.

Bennett: Pray, does it talk?

Cleese: Nnnnot really.

Bennett: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Cleese: N-no, I guess not.{Cleese gets ashamed and looks at his feet)

Bennett: Well.{Normal voice}Do you, do you want to end this bit now before they figure out the creators betrayed their version of a SNL based show for pointless referencing to a classic bit of yours, a few meger laughs and some nice role reversal?

Cleese: If you hadn't talked for so long, I'd be halfway out of here by now, so thanks!{Pause}Sure, let's go.{FTB as they leave together}

USELESS TALK
(We hear pleasant music as an announcer speaks.)

Announcer: (V/O) And now...Uselss Talk With Plato.

(We then hear Plato speak as his words scrolls on the screen)

Plato: (V/O) You know, if it's called a green house, why isn't it green? That's because it used to be green, but the Men In Black has remove the aliens that's...(we then heard flash thingie from the device the MIB used) Uh, what did I say???

(Fade To Black)

TIM CURRY MUSIC #2
Cleese: Once again ladies & gentleman, Tim Curry!

(He is in that same room even though the music is not as gloomy & goth.)

Baby love, my baby love
I need you, oh how I need you
But all you do is treat me bad
Break my heart and leave me sad
Don't know what did I do wrong
To make you stay away so long

Baby love, oh baby love
I'm missing you, oh yes, missing you
Instead of breaking up
Let's do some kissin' and makin' up
Don't throw our love away
In my arms, why don't you stay

Need you (need you)
Need you (need you)

(do do do do) (do do do do) (do do do do) (do do do
do)

Need to hold you once again, my love
Feel your warm embrace, my love
Don't throw our love away
Please don't do me this way
Not happy like it used to be
Loneliness has got the best of me

My love, my baby love
I need you, oh how I need you
Why you do me like you do
After I've been chasing you
So deep in love with you
Baby, baby
It's hurtin' me, dear, it's hurtin' me
Oh oh oh oh, baby love
Don't throw our love away
Don't throw our love away.

KIDS TV
{Opens on a TV set with Froggo and Loud behind it, and Cleese walking around giving directions}
Cleese: Come on, let's get things on target, the students of Washington Elementery need their news and this kids news station must give it to them on time! And with that backstory done with, are our two anchor kids ready?

Froggo: Ready, Freddy.

Cleese: That's Fred, or preferably Mr Schaffer, and it gets more preferable everytime you use that joke. How about you Craig?

Loud: WHAT MY FRIEND SAID, BUT NOTE I DIDN'T ACTUALLY SAY IT SO YOU CAN'T BE THAT MAD!!

Cleese: You'd be surprised then, wouldn't you?

Charity:{V.O}Wait, wait a minute, don't start without me!{She runs into the scene}So, when does my act start?

Cleese: Um, Glida, as we've gone over time and again, this is a straight news program, not a comedy act.

Charity: But I have stuff that mixes news and comedy, plus no one will know it was me who said it.

Froggo: Are you saying that being known for quality news is bad? When it ups your notch in the school social system, you tend to think differently.

Loud: Come on then, let's see what she's got, I'm sure it's no worse for you than putting up with the complaints from her later, Mr Schaffer.

Cleese: The common courtesy is noted in your plea. All right, we'll fit whatever you have in early so these boys can save it with lots of news just in case.

Charity: Thank you. Um, boys, could you also memorize this intro for me in about 20 seconds while I get into character?{Runs away after handing the boys some papers}

Froggo: Hmm. Well, at least the squabble after this should be entertaining enough to make up for any falls in her act.

Cleese: There's no need to rip off my own words for funny reactions, Mr Dougherty, I mean really!

{Now cut to the image of the boys reporting news on the camera in front of them}

Froggo: Good morning students, I'm Mike Dougherty, and with me is Craig Williams, and this is Washington Elementary news. We've got student and teacher wars comign to a head as the year winds down, interesting records of luch room activites not involving food, and whatever else we can think of to gab about.

Loud: But first we have this editorial. There was a letter sent by a prent about the state of this school and one of our commenters shall adress these concerns. Here she is now....Banana Danna-Fanna?! Did I read that right?!

Voice: Yep, now zip the month and get used to doing so for the next few minutes, it's Banana's turn to shine!

{The owner of the voice then comes and sits behind the news desk: it's Charity, but it looks nothing like her, for one thing she's wearing a wig with large parted hair sticking out everywhere, and she's talking differently, kind of like a late former female co-star of Charity's voice actress}

Charity: Okay, thank you, mow let magic begin. Ahem, a Miss Sandy Feyder of nearby Bucks County, Philly writes: "Dear Banana Danna-Fanna, my kids attend Washington Elementary and are prone to lying about their day and what is happening to them here. We keep on getting duped by it, and we don't know how to tell whether they're lying or truth telling. You're a kid, how can you help us get into the minds of kids to tell what they're hiding? What really happens here? Are they being treated well? Why do we have no other alternative than to ask a 10 year old, are we that pathetic?" Miss Feyder, you sure expect a lot of perfection and success for someone who lives in Philadelphia, which is content with no major championship sports teams but 2 overpriced new stadiums for 20 years, go figure.

Cleese:{From the studio}Meeting with outraged Philly citizens, here I come.

Charity: Well anyway, I think I can help you, for I, Banana Danna-Fanna, have been behind the front lines in big school happenings a lot in my time. See, just last week we had a particulary big lunch room fight with all the yucky leftovers from the past few days as ammo. Your boys were right in the middle of it, but whatever they did for the 30 seconds I turned away is a mystery to me. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help watching the scene right next to me, cause then I, Banana Danna-Fanna, saw the grossest, more surreal thing. This kid next to me had been hit pretty hard by the 3 day old pizza and gravy, and it was in his hair and it was falling from his head- and he ws catching the parts that were falling out of his head with his mouth and gobbeling them down! I thought I was gonna throw up if I didn't think he'd eat that too! I was gonna say, "Hey, stop eating that stuff, what are you trying to do, make me sick?!" but I was pretty sure he'd be spitting that slimy food back at me while he answered me! I guess in hindsight I, Banana Danna-Fanna, should have seen that coming because poor eating habits are nothing new to this particular kid. Why, during recess a few days earlier I was saying hi to this kid when, I swear that when he said hi back I could see somethign crawling in his mouth and it wasn't that dangling thing on the top of his throat! And why would he eat that stuff, live or not, anyway since that stuff would make that dangling thing dirty, then they'd have to clean it up and hurt him like the dickens, not to mention the guys cleaning it up would needs shots for the next 20 years after touching it! But then again, there are dirtier things people like to touch, like that same kid. For instance, I was walking home from school and saw him walking his dog, and I saw that dog finishing up some certain "business" on the lawn, then the kid actually bent down and....

Loud: STOP!!!!{Cleese runs into the scene}

Cleese: Yes, I second Mr Williams emotion, stop this immediatly, you're making me sick!

Loud: AND WHAT IS WITH ALL THESE STORIES, DO YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO TALK ABOUT THAN WHAT I DO IN THE LUNCH ROOM AND AT RECESS AND EVEN OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL?!!!{Pause}That wasn't a smart thing to say, was it?

Cleese: I'm sure Miss "Danna-Fanna" can relate, having said unsmart things herself. What do all those vile stories have to do with a parent concered for her kids lies?!

Charity: Well Principal Shaffer, it just goes to show you, it's never nothing. Something always happens, either you got lying kids to deal with, or you're eating and touching stuff the health board wouldn't approve of. This reminds me of a story my daddy, Daddy Danna Fanna, told me when I was ever littler than I am now. He said, "Banana Danna-Fanna, no matter what you do in life, no matter what paths you take, I want you to do I will always be proud. Unless you eat bigs, three day old food, and pick up poop from your dog like other little boys named Craig. Good night my little Banan Danna-Fanna!"

Loud: Um, thank you Miss Danna. We mercifully have to take a commercial break, but, well, at the very least Mike will be right back.{Starts to run away}HEY, CAN ANYONE GIVE ME 50 CENTS TO CALL MY MOM, PRONTO IF POSSIBLE?!!

Charity:{Takes off her wig and talks normally}There, I told you that would be good for laughs and news, Mr Principal.

Cleese:{Shocked}Well, that'll teach me not to be unspecific with the terms of that rule, that's for sure.{FTB}

CLOSING

{Fade to the HNL set with all the cast and guests}

Cleese: Well, that's our show, America! I'd like to thank Jeff Bennett, Tim Curry, Eric Idle, Richard O'Brien, David Warner, Jospeh Stalin, Bassho, COnfusius, Pokejedservo...oh, and no need to wait to air the credits until I'm done talking, cause I'll be a while. Oh, no more left? Good, now we shall do something we've never done tonight...end within the time limit! Good night America! Britain, I'll be home to your more funny brand of humor soon!

THE END

CREDITS
John Cleese: Himself
Jeff Bennett: Himself/Lucky Bob
Tim Curry: Himself/Adolf Hitler
Richard O'Brien: Himself
David Warner: Himself
Eric Idle: Himself
Pokejedservo: Himself
Laraine Newman: Charity Bazaar/Miss Info
Cody Ruegger: Loud Kiddington
Maurice LaMarche: Joseph Stalin/Bassho
Billy West: Confusius/Chit
Frank Welker: Father Time/Announcer
James Wickline: Bill Straitman
Tress MacNeille: Toast/Pepper/Cho-Cho
Nathan Ruegger: Froggo
Nora Dunn: Lydia Karaoke
Cree Summer: Aka Pella
Rob Paulsen: Sammy Melman
Robert Dougherty: Himself

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