| "Hare Cut" Written by Matthew Hunter (a.k.a. BeepBeep), Pietro Shakarian, and Thad Komorowski Narrator: This is the desert, hot boiling no man's land, no food, no drink, no nothing except for one garden...the wonderful carrot patch of a certain rabbit, Bugs Bunny. (We zip pan to Bugs gathering carrots in his carrot patch) Narrator: And here is a, tired, worn-down, raggy old citizen of the desert a Mr. Wile E. Coyote! (We zip pan to Wile E. Coyote) Coyote: Tired, worn-down, raggy, and old, eh? I will show you that all is not lost. For I shall dig up a meal! Namely THAT RABBIT! (Wile E. points to Bugs) Coyote: After all, a rabbit is a fast creature, but not like that Road Runner! (Bugs laughs hysterically) Bugs: I shall dig up a meal, he says! He don't know me very well, do he?! Coyote: Humph. Do you know what you're up againist Mr. Rabbit? Bugs: Yeah, I'm up against Wile E. Coyote, super genius, genius by trade, more muscular, more cunning, etcetera, etcetera... Coyote: Exactly. Why you never even passed third grade! Bugs: No, but I did pass college! I went to HARE-vard! Coyote: Well, well, my little friend...looks like your education shall not benefit you. It's the pot for you! Bugs: Pot? Ehhh....I don't tink we should be discussing dat stuff in a fanfic. Besides, it couldn't grow out here! Coyote: Oh, ha ha. You're a scream. No, I mean the cast iron variety!" Bugs: Ya mean ya wannna cook little old ME?! Coyote: Exactly. Bugs: But, remember da time ya tried dat before? Last week? And remember da time dat rock fell on your head? Coyote: Please don't bring back those.....painful memories. Bugs: And den there was da time ya tried ta send dynamite down my hole, and it fell into my toaster just as it was poppin'.... Coyote: STOP! Bugs: Okay, but ya still can't eat me! You don't have your ration stamps, do ya doc? Coyote: Why right here...... (Wile E. pulls them out Bugs rips them up) Bugs: Not anymore ya don't! Coyote: Humph. I don't need ration stamps! It's no longer the 1940s! Bugs: Oh yeah? Well let's just ask ol' Harry Truman about dat, doc! Coyote: Enough! I shall now gently wring your neck now. Now, don't wiggle...this will hurt you more than it hurts me! Bugs: Ya know, doc. I give in. I can't defeat such genius! Bugs: An' so dere ain't no hard feelin's, here's a pie! Coyote: Why thank you! (Bugs throws a pie in Wile E.'s face) Bugs: GENIUS! He says! HA HA HA! Coyote: Hmmm...LOW comedy. (Fade out. Fade in: Wile E. is at his drawing table) Coyote: Well, I suppose I shall have to retalliate with a much more elaborate, violent effort....I got it! The Acme company's do-it-yourself kit does it a-gain! And my superior intellect, but that goes without saying. Now, all I gotta do is find the rabbit's hole. (Wile E. peaks outside and sees millions of rabbit holes he goes up to one) Coyote: Pardon me, but are there any RABBITS in there? Bugs: Nothin' in here but us chickens! Coyote: Humph. MORE LOW comedy. Well, there's ONE way to lure him out... (Wile E. walks over to Bugs' carrot garden) Coyote: Now, if you do not emerge from that hole, I shall destroy your food source! Bugs: You'll be sorry! Coyote: Just WATCH me!" (Wile E. begins pulling up the carrots) Coyote: That's odd....this carrot is...ticking... *BOOOOOM!* Coyote: I uh...... (Wile E. faints. Bugs starts laughing) Bugs: GENIUS...oh brudder! (Fade out. Fade in: Coyote is at drawing board again) Coyote: This plan can't fail! It's full-proof! But I'm still puzzling over the multiple rabbit holes! Oh well. They are probably interconnected anyway. This explosive rocket will find its way to the rabbit eventually! Ah! I got it! Super Genius strikes a-gain! (Wile E. goes out, spots the rabbit holes again, and approaches one of them with a rocket and match in hand) Coyote: Excuse me, are there still any rabbits in there? Voice: Like I said, nothin' but us chickens! Coyote: Oh ho? Well then I shall have to settle for FRIED CHICKEN! Mwa ha ha ha! Voice: You do that an' I'll sock ya in da kisser! Coyote: Humph. I'd like to see you try, my long-eared friend! (Wile E. stuffs the rocket in the hole. he covers his ears. We hear an explosion! Something taps Wile E. on the shoulder it's a giant rooster!) Rooster: Fried chicken, eh? (Rooster punches him in the nose) Coyote: Ugh....I wanted....extra...crispy, waiter! (Rocket flies out of one of the holes and aims straight for Wile E.) Coyote: Oh....no. (The rocket blasts Wile E. Fade out. Fade in: Wile E. is at the drawing board) Coyote: Oh this should be a good plan! That rabbit won't see it coming! (Dissolve to outside, where Wile E. has finished painting target) Bugs: It's about time dat "genius" did it again. Coyote: I'll show that rabbit THIS time! When he stands in THIS exact spot...I'll push THAT button over there..... (Wile E. points to control deck where Bugs is standing) Coyote: And he'll...... Offscreen from Wile E.: "CLICK" (Wile E.'s pupils shrink and he explodes. Fade out. Fade in: Wile E. is at his drawing desk again) Coyote: Humm......I need to think of some way to catch that rabbit a-gain. AH HA! I got it! Bugs (from right behind him): What do ya got, Doc? Coyote: Oh! I'm going to outsmart that rabbit! Hehehe! Egards! I'm SUCH a genius! Bugs: Yeah, dat must be some dumb rabbit! Coyote: I'll say. I'm going to drop a giant safe on him from the top of his rabbit hole! Bugs: But, eh, what happens if he moves to another hole? Coyote: Uh.......heh, heh..... Bugs: Not very smart, doc! Coyote: B-b-b-but I'm a GENIUS! AH HA! I know, I'll rig dynamite around his hole and blow it up! Bugs: But what happens if his home is made of bomb shelter material? Coyote: It won't be! Because I'M a GENIUS! Bugs (scarcastic): Sure it will! Coyote: Grrrrrrrr......okay......Do you have a problem with a carrot rigged to a boulder?! Bugs: No. Coyote: Wait a minute, who exactly ARE you?! Bugs: I'm Wile E. Coyote! SUPER GENIUS! Coyote: Oh, you are? Are you? Bugs: Yup. Coyote: Okay, then, true or false, PI IS EXACTLY THREE! Bugs: Err, uh....False. Pi is 3.14, doc! Coyote: Egads! That's correct! Hmm, this rabbit's brain size is apparently "NORMAL". Bugs: I'm no rabbit! I'm a coyote! YOU'RE da rabbit! Coyote: Me? A rabbit? That's silly! Bugs: No, I'm a Coyote! Coyote: No, you're a rabbit! Bugs: Coyote! Coyote: Rabbit! Bugs: Coyote! Coyote: Rabbit! Bugs: Coyote! Coyote: Rabbit! Bugs: Coyote! Coyote: Rabbit! Bugs: Coyote! Coyote: Rabbit! Bugs: Coyote! Coyote: Rabbit! Bugs: Rabbit! Coyote: Coyote! Bugs: Rabbit! Coyote: Coyote! Bugs: Rabbit! Coyote: Coyote! Bugs: Rabbit! Coyote: Coyote! Bugs: Fine, doc, you're a rabbit. Coyote: Yes, I'm glad we finally....HEY?! Hummm.....if I'm a rabbit, then he's a coyote! No, no! I'M the coyote because I'm the genius! Or is it possible that a rabbit can be a genius? Bugs: Look Doc, you're givin' me a migrane headache. You just woik on yer cliche cartoon contraption and I'll be on me way. (Bugs leaves) Coyote: Why, I'm a coyote......I think. Well, anyway, little does he know that I'm NOT using the carrot-boulder trap.....I'm going to use a carrot-TNT trap! Pure GENIUS! This will be my greatest feat ever! (Wile E. runs outside. About five seconds later he explodes) Bugs (laughing): GENIUS HE SAYS! What a maroon!! What a B-Genius! (Wile E. comes back in covered in soot) Coyote: Hmmm, perhaps I can chase that Road Runner a bit more often then deal with him... at least he only says one thing. (Wile E. slips on a banna peel) Coyote: Humph. EVEN MORE LOW Comedy. Bugs: If da's LOW comedy, I hate ta tink what HIGH comedy would be like! (Bugs laughs hysterically) THAT'S ALL FOLKS! |
