| THE FIRST ANNUAL HARLEY AWARDS By: Pretty Much Everyone (Brainatra, Capt. Caps, Sharklady, Robert, DR. BELCH, BeepBeep, The Siren, Dot, and Colin, with a musical extravaganza by Craig!) --- [Open on a large, fancy theater, with various stretch limos seen pulling up outside of it, as well as a large crowd of people...we hear an announcer's voice] ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual "Harley" awards! [Cheesy opening music plays, as we see a computerized graphic of said award spin across the screen...the gold-colored award consists of B:TAS' Harley Quinn holding a large mallet...] ANNOUNCER: Tonight, we'll be bringing you such awards as: Best Character Abduction...Best Fast Food Rest Stop...Most Original Use of A Repetitive Gag...and much *more*! So, stay tuned...and we promise this thing'll end *sometime* before Election Day! [Cut to Father Time, wearing a tuxedo over his usual robes, walking through the audience with a microphone...] FATHER TIME: The year: 2000...the place: the Artemis Theater in Harlem, New York! I'm Father Time, your host of the pre-ceremony show! At this lovely historic theater, history was made 34 years ago, as a certain act starring a certain pair of laboratory mice bombed *hideously*...[Aside to the camera] I should know...I was there... [Cut to a clip of home movie-esque footage of the "Brain-Fonics" playing at the Artemis Theater in 1966, with the audience booing the fancily-clad Pinky and Brain, as well as the hippie-esque looking Billie, as seen in the fanfic story "Motown Mice"...the clip ends] FATHER TIME: But *today*, this theater will be the host of an even *bigger* bomb: the *HARLEY AWARDS*! Let's interview some of the celebrities appearing for this award show, shall we? [Walks over to the Cursing One himself] With me now is, uh...what's your name, pal? Axel...Farley? AXEL: *AXEL*! Axel (bleep)in' Foley! FATHER TIME: Uh-huh...um...so, I understand some months back, you swiped Dr. Emmett L. Brown's DeLorean time machine, attempted to take over the WB Studios of the year 2015, and almost brought about a future apocalypse thanks to your irresponsible time-travel abuse and wild behavior... AXEL: [Nervous] Uh...you know about all that? FATHER TIME: Of *course* I do...who do I look like, Keanu Reeves?! [In Axel's face] I trust you've learned your lesson? AXEL: Um...er...(bleep)in' yeah! FATHER TIME: [back to normal tone] *Good*! AXEL: I'm not going to abuse the (bleep)in' space-time continuum anymore, ya better (bleep)in' believe it! FATHER TIME: Um...Oookay...maybe you'd like to meet someone---[Pulls Loud Kiddington into the shot] Loud, meet Axel...Axel, Loud. Bye! [Father Time takes off] LOUD: HOW'S IT GOIN'?! AXEL: What the (bleep) are you yellin' for, ya crazy (bleep)? This isn't the (bleep)in' Grand Canyon! LOUD: HEY! NO NEED TO SWEAR! BESIDES, WHO'S YELLIN'?! AXEL: [Loudly] YOU ARE, YA CRAZY (BLEEP)IN' KID! LOUD: OH, YEAH?! AXEL: YEAH! LOUD: [Even louder] I'LL TALK AS LOUD AS I WANT! AXEL: [Even louder] I'LL TEACH YOU TO TALK LOUD, YA CRAZY (BLEEP)! WHY DON'T YA (BLEEP)IN' TAKE YOUR (BLEEP) SELF OVER TO THAT (BLEEP) SIDE OF THE (BLEEP) ROOM AND LEAVE ME THE (BLEEP) ALONE! YOU (BLEEP)IN' KNOW WHAT I'M (BLEEP)IN' SAYIN'?!? LOUD: [Softly] Um...OK. [Grins slyly] AXEL: [Sighs] Lousy kid... [Axel walks off, but sees that Loud is somehow standing right in front of him.] LOUD: HI THERE! AXEL: [Surprised] AAAAAH! Not this (bleep)in' gag *again*! [Loud starts laughing, but is poked on the back by someone...namely, Dot, with her sibs standing with them] DOT: Hate to tell you this, but that gag's been done...to *death*. LOUD: Really? DOT: *Really*...try something else, OK? LOUD: Like what? WAKKO: Like *this*! [Jumps into Axel's arms, whips out a bar of soap, and begins scrubbing the ex-Harbinger of the Apocalypse's mouth; Axel spits out the soap, and curses] LOUD: *OK*! [Sammy Melman walks by, whispers into Loud’s ear, and walks off] HEY! I MAY NOT BE THE ANNOUNCER FOR THIS THING, BUT SAMMY JUST CAME BY AND TOLD ME WE HAVE TO START THE SHOW! SO...LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT'S... AXEL: You say "Saturday Night", and I'll shove my fist down your throat, you rotten little (bleep)! LOUD: (Quieted Down) Hey, I wasn't going to say that! What I was trying to say was...IT'S THE HARLEY AWARDS! [We zip pan to the stage, where we see a group of singers and dancers, really Vegas-like, run out.] LEAD SINGER: It's time to party! (A funk version of the Animaniacs theme plays) It's time for the Harley Awards, and we hope you won't be bored! This number is a chore, we are all out of our gourds! It's The Harley Awards! There is "Warner Academy", a model of excess! And so is "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas"! "Once And Future Warners"! What about "Package Deal"? "Circle Closing In"...The fear was mighty real! It's the Harley Awards, and we hope you won't get bored! I'm praying to the Lord that I can escape in my Ford! It's the Harley Awards! Brainatra's comic jokes, Billie's Romey's Favorite Lady! Craig wants lots of coffee, Captain Caps loves the 80’s! Siren used to work for D*sney, Sharklady loves the fish, and one of Axel's favorite insults is "son-of-a-(bleep)"! You know it's the Harley Awards, and we hope you won't get bored! This show had better score, or WB will kick us out the door! It's the Harley...Oh yes, the Harley...My favorite Manson is Charlie...It's The Harley Awards! Please don't get bored! (The music ends, and we hear crickets chirping) DANCER #1: Ah, whadda you know about high culture? DANCER #2: Let's ditch this joint! Dinner at McDonald's! OTHER DANCERS: OK! [They all walk off-stage...] ANNOUNCER: Yes, the Harley Awards are brought to you by McDonald's™, Nintendo's "P*kemon Gold", DC Comics, and Paramount Pictures' "Beverly Hills Cop-The Special Edition", now on DVD with running commentary by Axel Foley! And now, here are your hosts...the *WARNERS*! [To the tune of the A! theme song, the Warners run out onto the stage, and bow.] YAKKO: [Looking around] What, no Billy Crystal? [The audience laughs] WAKKO: No Don Knotts? [The audience laughs even louder] DOT: No...*sniff*...Mel Gibson? [The audience is in stitches at this point] WAKKO: Hey! Don't laugh! We were bein' *serious*! [The audience stops] YAKKO: OK...um...welcome to the first annual Harley Awards! [The opening song starts up again; Yakko shoots a glance at the rafters, and the music stops] Thank *you*...now, then, these awards are being given out for the best in various categories...such as, uh...[Reads his notes] "Best Character Abduction"..."Most Original Use of a Writer's Trademark Running Gag"..."Best 1980's References"?!? What the heck?! DOT: [Flatly] Sounds like categories the writers of these things are guaranteed to win...as well as their favorite characters... [Pan in on Axel Foley in the audience...he looks at the camera annoyedly] AXEL: Hey! Don't be tryin' to put *me* down again! Lousy (bleep)in' cameramen...hey, are you guys even union?! CAMERAMAN: [Off-screen] Uh...well... [Pan back to the Warners...] DOT: Lessee...our first award is for the category of "Best Use of Superpowers in a Fanfic Story" ...the nominees for this category are: *Pinky*...for "The Fastest Mice Alive"... [Cue a clip from this story, of Pinky using his superspeed powers to hurl Dudley Puppy into the future...] *Chicken Boo*...for "Chaos of Characters"... [Cue a clip of Roboo-cop activating his hamster-tracking mode...] *Superman*...or his younger self, anyway...for "Brain's Mission For President Reagan"... [Cue a clip of Superboy pushing on the side of a space shuttle rocket booster to aid its liftoff...] ...and *The Brain*, for "39 Characters In Search of a Plot"... [Cue a clip of "PikaBrain" electrocuting Zalgar...] DOT: And the winner *is*... [Opens the envelope] Um...say, Wakko...tell me again what's the difference between McDonald's™ and Burger King™? WAKKO: Oh, that's easy...one place sells Happy Meals™, the other, "Kid's Club Meals™"! DOT: Wow! So, which company do you believe would have less-fattening food? I need to watch my girlish figure, after all... [Father Time whispers from off-stage] FATHER TIME: PSST! This isn't the *Oscars*! We're not doing that stupid "stall before reading the winner in a contrived manner" bit! DOT: [Flatly] Oh...OK! [Grins broadly] [Quickly reads the card] The winner is *Superman*...there, all done... [Tosses the card over her shoulder nonchalantly] Boy, *that* was a big surprise... [The audience applauds, as we see the Man of Steel himself fly towards the stage, and land on it...he walks to the podium, as a snippet of the S:TAS theme plays.] SUPERMAN: [Taking the award] Thank you for this award...as you know, I've had many an adventure back in the old days...heh...[sounding wistful/nostalgic] this reminds me of those nice times I had...back in those bygone Smallville days...vinyl records...no SUV's...cleaner air...when everything short of a gum wrapper didn’t have the words "dot-com" stamped on it somewhere...[Flashback ripples begin, but Superman shakes his head, making them stop] Hmph...I was just being *descriptive*...*not* trying to do a flashback! Um...I'd like to thank the judges, *and* the American people! I'll try to live up to this award's merits as I have in other areas of life! Thank you! [The audience applauds, as Superman leaves the stage...] YAKKO: Boy, wasn't *he* somethin' else? DOT: Yeah...[Sighs] He's *dreamy*... WAKKO: Uh-huh... DOT: OK, then, *super-dreamy*... Y&W: Girls... [Dot frowns] Yakko: Anyway, our next award is a very important one... Wakko: (Glancing At The Monitor) I could debate that. Yakko: Aaaaaaanyway, our next award is for "Captain Caps' Most Obscure Pop-Culture Reference"! Captain Caps, or as he's known in the real world "John Edward Kilduff", has done much to bring the 1980’s to the pop-cultural fore! (Aside To The Camera) But why'd he have to choose us to do it? (Turning back) Here, to announce the winning reference are Minerva Mink... Yakko and Wakko: Hellooooooo, Nurse! Dot: And...80’s pop singer Stacey Q?! Warners: Okay, audience, on the count of 3...1, 2, 3... The Audience: WHO? Wakko: Apparently, the obscurities never stop! Yakko: Aaaaaaaaaaaah...Never mind, let's just bring them out here! [Minerva and Stacey walk out.] Stacey: Pop culture...It changes constantly! Minerva: Yes. To quote Tina Turner from "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome"..."One day, you're the cock of the walk. The next day, you're a feather duster!" [Zip pan to Chicken Boo, dressed in a fancy tuxedo.] Chicken Boo: Buck-Buck-Buckaw? [Pan back to Minerva and Stacey.] Minerva: That was pointless! Stacey: That award is coming later in the show! Now, here are the nominees! From "Warner Academy"-(When the Mary Hart spoof reporter is kidnapped) Help! I've kidnapped by Huey and Dewey! Minerva: (V.O) That was a reference to "Ruthless People"! Stacey: (V.O) Also from "Warner Academy"-(When Dot is pleased to meet Axel) Dot: But you can call me yours! Yakko: Or you can her RuPaul! Axel and Dot: Excuse Me? Minerva: That was a reference to....uhhhh...you *don’t* want to know... *trust me*... [Glances briefly at Axel in the audience, who grins embarrassedly] Stacey: (V.O) Also from "Warner Academy"-The use of the Golden Earring song "Twilight Zone". Minerva: (V.O) From "Radio Free Warners"-The use of the Wang Chung song "Let's Go" Stacey: (V.0) From "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas"-The use of the song "Christmas Wrapping", performed by The Waitresses! Minerva: (V.O) And lastly, also from "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas"-The use of the song "Put A Little Love In Your Heart", as performed by that story's cast. Stacey and Minerva: And the winner is..."The RuPaul Joke" from "Warner Academy"! [Captain Caps walks up to the podium. He's dressed like Don Johnson on "Miami Vice".] Captain Caps: Wow, my first award! Please don't think this was rigged...all my fellow writers have their own obscure references! Anyway, I wish to thank the WBC and its members for accepting me, Warner Brothers for creating the characters who we write new adventures for ever since they cancelled our beloved programs for junk like "P*kemon"...Did I just curse? Whatever! Lastly, thanks to Chuck Grosvenor, creator of the website http://www.inthe80s.com. Visit it and look for my writing all over those pages! Thanks so much! Choose Life! [Caps, Minerva, and Stacey walk off stage.] Yakko: Okkay! Let's try to stick to the present in future stories! Wakko and Dot: Amen to that! Yakko: And now, the award for best annoying costar... Dot: The nominees are..... AXEL FOLEY for his outstanding performaces in recent fan fiction stuff! -clips from several are played on the big screen behing the Warners. DAFFY DUCK-for his appearance in "Fastest Mice Alive!" -clips of Daffy chasing Speedy and Brain appear from FMA. DUDLEY PUPPY-for outstanding portrayal as an extremely annoying yet still formidable villain, in "Fastest Mice Alive." Dudley (surrounded by cops and free of all technological implements): What an HONOR! To FINALLY be noticed, and for an AWARD yet! Wakko: And the winner for the best portrayal of an obnoxious costar is.... DAFFY DUCK! Daffy: Thank you, thank you my good...whatever you ares! It is a great honor, blah, blah blah, thanks to all the stars and to God and to beepbeep and Brainatra and blahblah-OKAY, doggie! Hand over that mike! If you're gonna make me come up here to get an award ya might as well let me host the next segment!!!! Wakko: Say, Daffy, I'm not a DOG. Yakko and Wakko: Yeah, we're the Warner Brothers! (Dot: and the Warner Sister!) Daffy: Yeah, well whatever you are you're a nuisance. Ever since they rediscovered you in the mid-90's after all that time in the water tower, you've gone on to be called one of the "smartest" series of cartoons and what not. Well, I'm the real star of WB animation! Hand over that mike, I'm hostin' until heck stops roastin'! Wakko: Well, ummm...okay I guess.... Daffy: For the next awards, the nominees are: me, me, and me....and in all the other segments ...oh, whatta surprise...I'm nominated all 50 times! And I win...say, what's THIS?! [Daffy notices that the microphone cord is burning and hissing, reaching the mike itself.] KABBBBBOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM! Slappy Squirrel (in audience, nudging KatieKa-Boom): Ya know, you had hormonal ...but there's still nothin' like TNT disguised as a mike! Now that's comedy! Daffy: [In pain] Hmmmppph...I HATE dethpicable sthquirrels! The only thing they're good for is raiding my bird feeder! (Daffy faints) Yakko: Well, while the fried duck lovers in the audience begin to set their sights on a nice intermission meal, let's announce the next award! Dot: Which is...best Brain abduction scene! [Cut to Pinky, Billie and Brain in the audience, Brain is none too happy of this choice of awards] Billie: [Trying to calm Brain down] Come on Eggy, we warned you that they'd make up an award like this, we prepared you to hold the anger in if they did, so don't go making a scene. Brain: Easy for you to say, you've hardly been on the abductee side like I have, especially with that writer who mentions and adores you every chance he gets! [A certain writer nearby smirks at this mention] Pinky: Cheer up, at least we're being honored for our adventures, and maybe you'll be able to get rid of these kind of awards once you take over the world, troz! Billie: Good one, Pinks, and you'd better think those thoughts quick Eggy, cause here come the nominees. Yakko: The nominees are....Wally Faust for "Circle Closing In" [Show the scene with Wally capturing Brain in Elmyra's house from CCI] Wakko: M*ckey and Snowball's two abductions from "Warner Academy" [Show clips of those two scenes] Dot: And Zalgar for "The Return of Zalgar" [Show a clip of that abduction] Yakko: And the winner is.... Brain: Times like this make me wish for those prolonged "Who Wants To Be a Millionare"-esqe award annoucments for once. Yakko...Wally Faust for Circle Closing In! [The Circle organ music plays for a minute, then is interrupted by Dot] Dot: Hold the phone, how are we supposed to give this award to a guy in prison? Wakko: Maybe we could get Mr. Walken to accept this for him, I mean the guy is based on him. Voice: (V.O) Wait! Don't send that wannabe of myself up there, I got the award and I'm giving the speech for it! [A large TV screen appears backstage, and when it is turned on, Wally Faust himself is seen from prison with the award] Wally: Hello...audience members. First of all, I'd like to thank my Circle colleages for sending me to capture my target, and I'd like to thank Mr Pinky for making that birthday present for Mr Brain which made for a easier way to knock them out with the gas by switching the two boxes. Christopher Walken: (In the audience speaking in his normal voice and not Jeff Bennett's impersonation so as to avoid complications)You should thank me also for being the basis of you which made you so memorable to the WBC Board members who love satirizing me! Slappy: Ugh, not that "real actor critizing his lookalike bit"! [To Mr Walken] Let's not make this long enough with those pointless bits and risk you winding up like Mr. Duck there, shall we? Walken: [On the receiving end of being scared in one of his scenes for once] Um, sure, okay. Wally: Anyway, back to me, I'd finally like to thank Mr Brain for being captured so much so this award could be created for me to win. And soon, I shall celebrate this honor by being the final abductor in your life by way of you being eliminated after you help us take over the world! See you then, old "friend". [He begins to laugh as the organ music plays again, but then the TV is unplugged by Dot] Dot: I think we can go one story without a 10 second maniacal laughing bit, don't you? Brain: (Very, very relieved) I couldn't agree more if I tried! [Cut to another part of the audience, where we see Axel Foley looks rather impatient...Father Time, with a microphone, wanders over to him...] FATHER TIME: Mr. Foley...how's it feel to *not* have won the "most annoying supporting character" award? AXEL: Well, even if it *is* for somethin' like "annoying character", I'm still (bleep)in' ticked off, that's what I am! Some lousy (bleep) duck wins that (bleep) thing, but I don't?! All the (bleep) things...and I was gonna use it to hold up the short end of my couch, too... FATHER TIME: Um...yeah. Back to you, Warners! [Back to the Warners] YAKKO: Let's see...we've done Brain abductions, 80's references, superheroics...ah, yes! "Best Villain"! AXEL: Ah, my (bleep)in' moment in the sun! YAKKO: The nominees *are*...: DOT: (V.O.) Axel Foley in "Once and Future Warners" (Cue a clip of Axel fighting the Warners-as-Power-Rangers in 2015) DOT: (V.O.) Dudley Puppy in "Fastest Mice Alive" (Cue a clip of Dudley and Brain fighting each other at superspeed within a Mexican hacienda) DOT: (V.O.) Dr. Laura, from "Radio Free Warners" (Cue a clip of the doctor making ninja-moves towards the heroes...) DOT: (V.O.) The Omenex, from "Pinky, Histeria, and the Brain" (A clip plays of this brood fighting Father Time) DOT: (V.O.) And finally...Wallace Faust, from "Brain of Two Worlds"...wait, no way this should count! He's from a parallel Earth! He’d be even harder to give this award to than "our" Faust! YAKKO: Yeah, but then again, Dudley over there's also supposed to be in a prison in the 25th century... DUDLEY: [Now encased in a "Silence of the Lambs"-esque casing] Ha! I was allowed to come back here to 2000 for this award ceremony, after which, *I* shall be returned to my futuristic jail, from which I’ll eventually escape, and plot your *demise*! [A futuristic-looking cop slaps a gag over his mouth] DOT: Aaaaanyway, our winner is.... [Drumrolling music plays, as Dot takes her sweet time opening the envelope] Huh? It's...a *TIE*, everyone! The winners are: The Omenex, Dudley Puppy, Dr. Laura, *and* Wallace Faust! Congratulations! AXEL: [Irate] *WHAT*?!? HOW THE (BLEEP) COULD *I* HAVE STILL LOST, AND TO WHAT?! SOME (BLEEP)IN' "EARTH-1"-"EARTH-2"-"EARTH-(BLEEP)" WHATEVER JUNK RIPOFF OF THAT (BLEEP) FAUST, SOME (BLEEP)IN' *MUTT* FROM THE FUTURE, A BUNCH OF (BLEEP)S WITH A NAME THAT SOUNDS LIKE A (BLEEP)IN’ ALMANAC, AND SOME STUPID HACK RADIO TALK SHOW HOST?!?! [Axel begins pounding his head on the back of his seat, then calms down, whips out some bottled water, and drinks the whole thing down] OK, the main man himself is calmed down now... [We see the villains walk out onto the stage...Dr. Laura, the Omenex, and Dudley Puppy (wheeled out in his cage by a cop) walk out. From a screen behind the Warners, we see an image of Wallace Faust emerge, with a caption reading "Live From A Federal Prison On Earth-2"...he's wearing prison fatigues.] DUDLEY: Thank you, all! I appreciate this award greatly! However, this doesn't change the fact that I *still* demand revenge against those mice for what they've done! Are you listening, Speedy? Your days are *numbered*! HAHAHAHHA! [The cops shut him up again] DR. LAURA: Correct...we *all* will have our revenge, in a *new* Secret Villian Revenge Society! HA! [Pauses] Um...were we supposed to reveal that, guys? [The others shake their heads no] Drat...well, back to the drawing board...um...remember: I'm Dr. Laura, and you're all ...immoral peons! AXEL: Well, that "immoral" part's debatable, but I'm certainly no "peon"... [Back to the stage’s viewscreen, where we see the aged Wallace Faust on screen, in prison fatigues...he turns to the camera.] WALLACE: Ah, the Brain of that "other" Earth...soon, my revenge against you *and* the version of yourself on my native world will be at hand! And your Earth’s version of the Man of Tomorrow *won't* be able to lend a hand to stop me! HAHAHAHA! COP: [From off-the-viewscreen] Hey, Wallace...you remember the rules: *NO MANIACAL LAUGHTER*! WALLACE: Drat...well, remember...I'll be back! HAHA---oh, right. Hrmph. [Narrows his eyes] You’ll pay for that anti-laughter rule, you foolish, low-paid guard... [Screen's transmision is cut by Dot, who (with the rest of the audience) shudders at Wallace’s creepiness.] DOT: I think we've seen enough of that for one day...[to the villains] and enough of you, too! DR. LAURA: Very well...come, all, let us depart! [The villains all exit the stage...] (The Warners once more gather behind the podium.) YAKKO: And now our next award: Best Song Parody in a Fan Fic. Presenting this... WAKKO: Hey, wait a minute! Isn't the Best Song award supposed to be one of the last ones? DOT: Yeah! Doesn't that come *after* each of the song nominees has been preformed in a big splashy Production Number? YAKKO: Well, that *was* our original schedule, but the producers were afraid that'd extend the ceremony past tomorrow's lunch break. (low voice) And besides; during rehearsal, the producers showed up unexpectedly and *heard the songs.* WAKKO & DOT: (understanding) Ooohhh! YAKKO: So, to present the Award, here's that world-famous mouse-and-mouse comedic team, Pinky and the Brain! (As the Warners exit Stage Left, the mice, dressed in the same tuxedos we saw in 'Brainwashed', enter Stage Right and climb the microphone cord to the top of the podium. Billie's voice, whistling and calling "Yay, Pinky! Whoo-who!", can be heard over the general applause.) PINKY: (staring delightedly out at the audience) Oooo! Look at all the people! (BRAIN pompously clears his throat, and proceeds to read off the teleprompter) BRAIN: Hmm-umm! Song-parodies provide a vital structural component to the Fan Fic, providing both dramatic and comedic intervals, as well as unlimited opportunity for pop-cultural... (breaking off in disgust) What unmitigated drivel! PINKY: (glancing about the stage excitedly) Narf! Is Michael Jordan here?! BRAIN: (slapping a hand above his eyes) And now they're working in references to one of WB Animation's less-laudable productions! (To his co-presenter) Pinky, let's ignore the teleprompter and just announce the nominees. PINKY: (disappointed) But Brain, it's so much fun to watch those lines scrolling up like fuzzy black caterpillars! (BRAIN gives PINKY *That Look.*) PINKY: (shrugging) Okay! (BRAIN pulls a rolled paper from his tuxedo pocket, unrolls the top part and holds it up where they can both read.) BRAIN: Nominees are; from 'Have Yourselves A Wakko Little Christmas': "No Business Like Snow Business", preformed by Elfy. (Clip of the song performance) (Live Shot of a modestly smiling Elfy, backstage where he's apparently working as a stagehand.) PINKY: From 'Package Deal': "Lake Sakawea", preformed by The Warners Brothers and The Warner Sister. (Clip) (Live Shot of the Warners, seated on canvas chairs in the stage wing, scarfing popcorn and nudging congratulations to each other.) BRAIN: From 'Motown Mice': "I Heard It Through The Phone Line", preformed by Billie. (Clip) (Live Shot of Billie seated in the audience, beaming a coy 'Oh, you're too kind!' smile.) PINKY: From 'The Mouseyville Horror': "What To Do?", preformed by *you*, Brain! (Clip) (Live Shot of Brain, smiling rather *im*modestly, then realizing he's back on camera and switching to Host form.) BRAIN: And from 'Have Yourselves A Wakko Little Christmas': "Have Yourselves A Wakko Little Christmas", preformed by... (hesitates, as a *long* length of paper unscrolls from the bottom of the list.) ... too many people to name. (Clip) (Live Shot of the wildly applauding audience, which, we can see, consists largely of the same characters who were in the Clip) CUT BACK to Podium, where PINKY, pulling back with all his strength, manages to break the seal on the Award envelope. BRAIN extracts and unfolds the enclosed sheet of paper.) BRAIN: (reading) And the Harley goes to... (his eyes widen) "Never Give Up Hope", from 'Wakko's Wish'...? (A puzzled murmur runs through the theater. Suddenly a certain familiar woodchuck hurries across the stage, snatches the paper from Brain, and hands him another.) WOODCHUCK: (speaking into the microphone) Sorry, folks- mixup with the award envelopes! (The woodchuck scurries off, muttering ' That's the last time I hire a discount delivery service...!') (Slightly annoyed, Brain unfolds the new paper, and reads:) BRAIN: As I was saying; the Harley goes to... (suddenly feeling much better) "What To Do?", from 'The Mouseyville Horror'! (General applause. Simultaneous clips of Elfy, Billie, and the Warners clapping politely for a few seconds, before slumping in disappointment. Dot shakes it off to bounce back out to the podium and take the microphone.) DOT: Accepting the Best Song Parody award is the author of 'Mouseyville', Jennifer Lynn Weston, aka Sharklady! (SHARKLADY, wearing a formal blue & green gown and a shark-tooth necklace, crosses the stage and enthusiastically accepts her statuette from Dot.) SHARKLADY: Thank you, thank you very much! I want to thank Harley and Brian and Colin and the rest of the WBC crew for providing me with such a great forum to showcase my fan writings! And thanks to all the other Storyboard contributors for their support- you're *all* superb writers! And thanks to Claude-Michel Schonberg, composer of the 'Les Miserables' theatrical score, for providing me with the original "Who Am I?" tune- I love your play, guys! And... (Dot coughs a bit whilst tapping her wristwatch) Just one more Thank You, then. To my favorite WB character, The Brain, for that *wonderful* voice which made my song come alive! (SHARKLADY leans over and gives Brain a little kiss on top of his head-Brain, momentarily startled, grins in a self-conscious 'Aw, shucks!' manner. Pinky teasingly puckers up and makes kissy noises; Brain, scowling, snatches off Pinky's top hat and waps him across the snout.) (SHARKLADY scoops up the mice with her free hand, and retreats Stage Right, happily waving her Harley towards the audience as she goes. Pinky waves his crumpled hat in farewell, while Brain makes a formal bow.) (YAKKO and WAKKO, brushing the popcorn bits off their clothes, rejoin their sister at the podium.) WAKKO: Gee, *that* acceptance speech wasn't particularly wacky! DOT: I think the writer was indulging in a little Wish Fulfillment, Wakko. YAKKO: Oooh, kay. Anyway, moving right along...we have been fortunate enough to star in many great stories...(Aside To His Sibs) Once again, we could debate that...(Turning Back To The Camera/Audience) You didn't hear that! Wakko and Dot: (Winking at the camera) Riiiiiiiiiight! Yakko: In all seriousness...here to present a special tribute is Academy-Award winning actress Hilary Swank! Yakko and Wakko: Hellooooooooooo, Nurse! [Hilary walks out on stage.] Hilary: Many fanfics live on forever, and often end up getting made fun of in "Mystery Science Theater 3000" fanfics. Unfortunately, there are a great many fanfics that just didn't take off. Lost forever to the sands of time and the wilds of cyberspace, these stories will live on forever in the minds of those who created them! We present a special tribute to these stories, and here to perform their 1989 hit "Heaven", but with lyrics tailor-made to this awards ceremony is...WARRANT! [The curtain opens up and Warrant lead singer Jani Lane speaks up.] Jani: You will always be remembered! (Singing, while the band plays) There are stories of 3 mice/ Whose plans have always failed/ And sadly there are stories/ Whose potential was never nailed/ Like when they were to make a movie/ With a major all-star cast/ But sadly production failed/ Ain't that a kick in the (bleep)/ Or when they wanted to form a hair-metal band/ Sadly that story was not in high demand/ Heaven for the fanfics that died/ The creators sat around and cried/ It's too bad that these stories died.../ Now we come to the Warners/ Yakko, Wakko and Dot/ When it came around to these stories, the writers gave it all they got/ Like when the boys fell in love/ That story's death was a sin/ And then there was the time they were to fight the Grem-a-lins/ It's too bad there was no Superman/ to help these stories try to find some wanting fans/ Heaven for the fanfics of yore/ They won't be around anymore/ I guess that we all now know the score/ How poor!/ Now the lights are going out on stories like "Frasier Brain"/ And "Fanfic Mice" was put out of its never-ending pain/ (At this point, the audience raises lighters) There was nowhere left to go/ Nobody really cared/ They didn't know what to do/ Their fanfic dreams never came true/ Heaven/ That's where these stories went/ Heaven/ All of these dreams were bent/ Heaven/ All the potential was spent/ Oh-Oh/ Heaven's where these stories were sent/ Yeah! (Wild applause) Goodnight, Artemis Theater wherever you are! Axel: Um...(bleep)in' Harlem is where this theater's at, buddy... [The Warners return to the stage...] Yakko: Great song, guys! Anyway, our award goes to the best evil villain scheme! Axel: Finally, some [bleeping] justice is coming my way! Dot: I thought we were done with the villains already, and shouldn't have this come before the best villains award? Wakko: What do you expect, the writers to conform to tradition? They're iconoclasts through and through! Yakko: Okay, number one, Wakko that was an uncharacteristic use of high vocabulary, and two...altogether now... Brain: (Calling out) Enough! Before you use that starting to get repetitive audience gag again, I'll stop you and say an iconoclast is an unconventional eccentric who marches to a different drummer, indeed fitting in with Mr. Warner's description of our writers. I suggest you not risk ruining my good mood and put that gag to rest for a while. Yakko: Fine. Anyhoo, the nominees are The Circle for their prionic sequencer scheme in "Circle Closing In"[Clips of that evil plot show] Wakko: M*ckey Mouse and Snowball for their drug/Beanie Baby plan in "Warner Academy" [Clips of that show] Dot: [Shuddering at the memory of this scheme] Rupert Murdoch and Stewie for that (shudder) awful dubbed in dialogue interview of us in the Fox reality special "Interview" [Boos in the audience are heard as that plan’s carrying out is shown] Yakko: Jamie Kellner for his plan for an all P*kemon lineup with us inside the P*kemon in "39 Characters" (Aside) Though of course, that's not really an idea that hasn't been tried in real life, is it? Dot: And instead of complaning it wasn't really Kellner that did all that, I'll instead say the final nominee is (Axel grins in anticipation) the thankfully late Dr Gene Burrows for his plan to bring about the elimination of "Histeria" characters Loud Kiddington and Miss Information by airing a world wide marathon of their most annoying moments for 24 hours in, well "24 Hours"! Axel: [Even more irate than before] WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS GOING ON HERE??!!! YOU (BLEEP)ERS ARE GONNA NOMINATE TWO (BLEEP)ING NETWORK EXECS, TWO (BLEEP) RODENTS AND A MAD SCIENTIST WHO HAS THE VOICE OF GENE (BLEEP)ING HACKMAN OVER ME??!!!! I ALMOST CAUSED THE (BLEEP)ING APOCALYPSE, FOR (BLEEP)ING SAKE, DON'T I GET ANY CREDIT??!!! [The Bleepmeister himself is then drenched with a bucket of water before he goes on, we then see the one responsible for that is Loud] Axel: YOU AGAIN!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR, YOU ROTTEN LITTLE (BLEEP)?! Loud: HEY, WATER CALMED YOU DOWN BEFORE LAST TIME, AND YOU WERE TOO IRATE TO DO IT YOURSELF THIS TIME! BESIDES, WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET ABOUT NOT BEING NOMINATED FOR SOMETHING YOU CLAIM TO HAVE PUT BEHIND YOU? Axel: Okay, that (bleep)ing does it, I've had it with you, you annoying (bleep)! (Slyly) Besides, you shouldn't be so proud of your late enemy getting nominated, that (bleep)ing scientist wanted to kill you because you were so (bleep)ing annoying! Now either leave me alone or it'll only confirm my thought that getting rid of you for being annoying was a (bleep) good idea! Loud: (Embarassed) Oops, you got me there. I mean it did take 3 months and the near destruction of Washington D.C. for everyone else to realize getting rid of me wasn't as good an idea as that madman made it to be.... Axel: (Interrupting) Alright, we get it, enough (bleep)ing mushy stuff, you did that enough in those two stories. Just annouce the winner already and get it over with! Yakko: Okay, and.... Wakko: Wait, let me annouce the winner this time, I've only done it once and you guys have done it all the other times, please? Yakko: Fine, let no one say we're not generous. (Gives Wakko the envelope) Wakko: Faboo! The winner is...(takes a half second look at the open envelope) Phew, it wasn't Jamie Kellner who won it, so we won't have to boo him for winning. (Takes one more look and gasps) Never mind, boo as much as you want, because the winner, or winners in this case are...Rupert Murdoch and Stewie for "Interview". [Boos, and fruit, come raining down on Rupert (wearing a tux) and Stewie (wearing the yellow tux from "Family Guy"’s title scene) as they come on stage and accept their award] Rupert: Silence! [He throws several balls to the ground, and like in the Simpsons Super Bowl ep, British policemen with nightsticks appear when the balls come down. This shuts the audience up] That's better. Now then, first I'd like to thank my brilliant mind for coming up with such a wonderful plan, and my friend Stewie for his various ideas in making it work so well. Stewie: Yes Rupert, this is a gleefully evil victory, and hopefully a preview of things to come for him and especially me! Brain: Excuse me, tiny genius baby who is a ripoff of me, shouldn't you not be so happy with your partner, because he pretty much kicked your already awful show off of next year's FOX lineup. I smell a double cross from that bit of news. Stewie: (Annoyed) WHAT?! Rupert, how *dare* you! As awful as that dreck show is, it's my only way to get through to the gullible viewing public to exact my own plans! You traitor! Rupert: (Whispering) Hold it, it's just a trick. I'm not planning to double cross you, I'm just taking it off for a while, then when the public least suspects it, I'll bring it back as terrible as ever to celebrate our forthcoming victory. Stewie: Oh, oh you evil genius you, that's perfect! Rupert: I know. (To himself) Heh heh, sucker. (Aloud) Anyway, thank you for this victory, and now I must leave you to plan our latest dreadful, but wonderfully profitable, specials like "World's Deadlist Final Confrontations™" and "Behind the Scenes Secrets of Supposingly Wholesome Cartoons Revealed"! See you then, all you entertaining and therefore disposable audience members! [Rupert and Stewie leave and take their guards with them, with the audience still booing] Axel: Disposable?! Ooh, you better watch your back, you[bleeping]evil exec, you! Not only do you get an (bleep) award that should belong to me and have me still planning (bleep)in' revenge in it, giving the Harley to you instead of whoever's representing that (bleep)ed dead scientist made that whole incident with that (bleep)ing kid entirely pointless! I'll bet the writer of those (bleep) stories put that bit in cause he's a (bleep)ing shameless self promoter, aren't you, whoever the (bleep) you are?! Yakko: Okay, before Axel explodes, let's move on to a less dark and more brighter sounding award.... Wakko: This next award is for a beloved tradition...That's right: The Pointless Cameo Appearance! Dot: Bending the laws of time, space and copyrights, the writers of these wonderful stories... Slappy: (In the audience) Who's writing this hooey? Yakko: Hey, it's not our fault that Bruce Vilanch was too busy! [Zip pan to the set of "Hollywood Squares". Host Tom Bergeron asks a question.] Tom: In "Once And Future Warners", who brought on the apocolypse? Bruce: (Wearing a "Flash" T-shirt) Axel Foley! [The audience, its members never having read Warner Brothers-related fan-fiction, laughs hysterically.] Bruce: What, don't you get in enough? [Zip pan back to the Artemis Theater.] Axel: (Bleeping) "Flash" t-shirt wearin' baby boomer! Loud: [Holding up Axel’s Michigan state driver’s license and pointing to his 1961 birthdate] Hey, aren't *you* a baby boomer, too? Axel: [Not wondering how Loud got ahold of his wallet/license] Oh...yeah. [Yelling skyward] Um, sorry, dude...uh, assumin’ you can hear me, that is... Bruce: [Shows up from out of nowhere and with no explanation, right next to Axel] Forgiven...just watch it with those cheap shots in the future, OK? [Axel, startled by Bruce’s sudden appearance, screams...] [Cut to Craig, who laughs at this bit of celebs-appearing-from-nowhere, while Brainatra, seated next to him, sighs...] [Back to the Warners...] Yakko: That was pointless! Dot: And a fine example of the lawsuit-tempting insanity we've gone through over the course of the past several years! So, to present the "Best Pointless Cameo" Harley, here are Jerry Lewis and Paul Rugg. [Jerry and Paul walk out on stage.] Jerry: Before we present this award, I have a question for you, Paul! Paul: Shoot! Jerry: Why was I spoofed as that horrifically stupid Mr. Director character? [Cut to Mr. Director.] Mr. Director: (Sane voice) I am a very witty satire...A picture of intelligence and decency, of wisdom and ideas, of... Slappy: Ah, cut it out! (Slappy tosses a keg of dynamite of Mr. Director. It explodes, and Mr. Director is sent flying through the roof.) Mr. Director: (Zany Voice) Mr. Director is blasting off again, Froinlavenshoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil! [Cut back to Jerry and Paul.] Jerry: Good, forget him! Lousy rip-off! Paul: Hey, "King Of Comedy", cut it out! Let's read the nominees! Jerry: And they are...Stone Cold Steve Austin for his cameo in "Warner Academy" (Clips of his appearance, then a shot of Steve, in a tuxedo, acting nervous while being watched by the audience of sophisticates and fanfic writers who hate wrestling) Paul: Jon Stewart, for his brief cameo in "39 Characters In Search Of A Plot" (Clip of his appearance, then a shot of Jon, holding up a sign saying "Watch 'The Daily Show', and hope that '39' will be on The Story Board within the next decade") Jerry: James Woods, for his cameo in "The Warners Meet The Simpletons" (Clips of his appearance) Paul: Puff Daddy, Molly Ringwald, Cynthia Rothrock, Sigourney Weaver and Arnold Schwarzenegger for their appearances in "Lethal Intellect" (Zip pan to a juice bar in downtown Manhattan. We see the aforementioned celebrities drinking apple juice mixed with vodka) Puff: We were nominated? Molly: For a story that may or may not be completed at some future point?! Cynthia: How bizzare! Sigourney: Stranger things have happenned... Arnold: Like how "Last Action Hero" wasn't a hit? Molly: That movie bit! Puff: Yeah...though I still want to raid the soundtrack for my next album! [Zip pan back to the Artemis Theater.] Jerry: And lastly, every single person who made an appearance in "Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas" (On screen, we see a collage of these people) And the winner is...the people who cameod in "Lethal Intellect"? [Zip pan back to the juice bar. The stars see this award being announced on a small TV set.] Puff: What the (bleep)? [All of a sudden, camera crews from the special burst in, swarming the actors.] Molly: Um...thank you? Sigourney: Does this count as a posthumous award or something? Puff: I would like to thank God! Cynthia: Even though you drink like a horse, (bleep) like a jackrabbit, and have albums that have a parental advisory label on them? Puff: Shut up! Cynthia: Why don't you make me? Puff: You're gonna be my (bleep)! [Cynthia and Puff erupt in a fight cloud, which Molly, Sigourney and Arnold join in. Zip pan back to the Artemis Theater.] Dot: Lydia isn't gonna be pleased about that! [Cut to shot of the audience, where COURTNEY COX is seated next to a young MAN dressed in a tuxedo and bow tie, who would look pretty snazzy if not for the button-decorated baseball cap on his head and the clunky brown boots on his feet in lieu of dress shoes. He has a mustache, bushy sideburns, a beard tied in a rubber band a la Captain Lou Albano, and glasses. Owing to the length of the festivities, he had nodded off in his seat. Background music: "Beautiful Dreamer." COURTNEY, irked, elbows him sharply, awakening him.] COURTNEY: Dr. Belch! Wake up! Darn you, wake up! DR. BELCH: [snorts, stirs, mumbles sleepily]: Eh? The snack bar open yet? COURTNEY: No! The snack bar is not open! DR. BELCH [yawning]: Then wake me when it is, doll. [starts to nod off again] COURTNEY [with fierce jabs]: Wake up, wake up, wake up! DR. BELCH [whining]: What? COURTNEY: They just announced "Pointless Cameos", and I didn't win! I thought for sure I was a shoo-in for that shot in "Package Deal"! I cleared a space on my trophy shelf and everything! DR. BELCH: And you thought you'd win...why? COURTNEY: Well, it's like a threefold gag there. I mean, (A) I am an employee of Warner Brothers, (B) a caricature of me has appeared in Animaniacs--not once, but twice!-- and (C) it was a coffeeshop, just like the one my character works in on "Friends"! It was too perfect, Doc. You promised me that bit was gold! DR. BELCH: Yeah, well, what the frig do I know? I liked "Waynehead" too, for crap's sake. [takes out can of root beer, cracks it open, and swigs it] COURTNEY: Well, do something. Write a letter of protest to the judges and tell them they're morons. Get them to reconsider giving the Harley to a guy whose name sounds like a breakfast cereal. C'mon! You're the college graduate genius brain boy! What are you going to do for me? [DR. BELCH proceeds to utter a Maurice LaMarche "special belch" in COURTNEY's face, blowing her hair back.] COURTNEY: Aagh! [claps hand to mouth, cheeks bulging, and bolts out of her seat] NOSTRADAMUS [in seat next to DR. BELCH]: I knew you were going to do that! Shut up! DR. BELCH: Hey, I could have gotten Aniston, but she was doing "South Park" that week. And that Phoebe chick wouldn't agree to a scene with her on guitar and me doing backup on harmonica. What can I say? Courtney was next on the list. [scoff] Tempermental actresses. [Cut to shot of DOT on stage, behind podium reading an index card.] DOT: Now for "Best 'Are You Pondering?'/'Any Questions?'" gag in a FanFic...and the nominees are...[drum roll]... Yakko: Wait! Before we announce the nominees, it turns out that we omitted one nominee in the "Pointless Cameo Appearance" Harley. That final nominee is Courtney Cox for her sterling work in "Package Deal"! And in even more news, the winner was misread! Courtney Cox is the winner! Pinky: What an incredible moment of contrivance! [Brain moans] [Cut back to the juice bar. It's in shatters from the big fight. A dumb union guy with a Brooklyn accent comes up and takes the Harley away from the "Lethal Intellect" crew.] Dumb Union Guy: Hey, yo, you've just lost the award! Puffy: Holy (bleep)! (Turning his face heavenward) Sorry, God! Dumb Union Guy: Now to bends da laws of times and space...(The union guy disappears a la "Star Trek", and is regenerated in the audience at the Artemis Theater.) Hey, here's your award, Courtney! [Courtney, with a gigantic smile on her face, drags the still-sleeping Dr. Belch on stage.] Courtney: (At the podium) Wow! Who would've thought that I would win this award? I would like to thank many people, but above all, I wish to thank Dr. Belch, who brought me into the Warner Brothers fan-fiction world! I love you, Belchy! (She kisses him) Dr. Belch: (Jolting awake) Hello, Nurse! Come on, Courtney! You want to go to Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick? Courtney: Okay, sweetie! [Courtney and Dr. Belch exit the stage, Belch with an ear-to-ear smile on his face.] [Cut to the lab mice...] Pinky: WAHAHAHAHA! Union guys...bending time and space...*NARF*! [Brain whaps Pinky on the head; Billie sighs] Dot: (In a Valley Girl accent) Like, gag me with a spoon! (Normal voice, making a face) Not to mention *unionized* space-time distortion tricks... (More sounds of Pinky giggling off-stage can be heard) Wakko: Yeah...I thought they’d just use some cheaper nonunion space-time distortion tricks... Yakko: Um...yeah. Now can we please announce the next award? DOT: *Gladly*...the next category is Best Original Character in a Fan Fic. WAKKO: (happy) Hey, I oughta be a lock for that one! Who's more 'original' then me? (proceeds to make a whole series of goofy faces) YAKKO: Ahhhhh, Wakko, 'original character' means one created especially for the story. WAKKO: (as his face deflates back to 'normal') Oh, nutbunnies! DOT: And speaking of small cuddly animals; here to present the award are Slappy Squirrel and her nephew Skippy! (Applause as the Warners exit, and the two squirrels, in a sequined red gown and a white dinner jacket w/ black bow tie, take their place.) SKIPPY: (jumping atop the podium to reach the mike) The creation of believable and memorable characters has always been considered one of the most important measures of a writer's... SLAPPY: (holding up a hand to block Skippy's view) Let's skip the blathering preamble, kid. I wanna be outta here in time to watch Leno. (Cut To the guy cranking the teleprompter- it's WALTER WOLF, who looks momentarily irritated, but then shrugs.) WALTER: Eh, what's it matter- I get paid either way! (He settles back to take a snooze.) SLAPPY: (unfolding a sheet of paper and reading) So the Best Original Character nominees are: from 'Chaos of Characters'; Snowflake son of Snowball, created by The Siren. (Clip from CoC, then Live View of the Siren in the audience, beaming hopefully.) SKIPPY: From 'Warner Academy'; the Drill Sergeant, created by Captain Caps! (Clip from WA, then Live View of Captain Caps, wherever he's gotten to...) SLAPPY: From 'The Mouseyville Horror'; Sharlay, created by Sharklady. (Clip from MH, then Live View of Sharklady backstage [the resemblance is unmistakable.] Sharklady is carefully applying Supergrease (TM) to Pinky, who has somehow managed to get wedged between the mallet and arms of her Harley statuette.) SKIPPY: From 'Circle Closing In'; Melissa Lamsen, created by Brainatra! (Clip from CCI, then Live View of Brainatra in the audience, who looks to be completely engrossed in a "Flash" comic book. We also see sitting next to him is Melissa, who’s editing her acceptance speech.) SLAPPY: From 'Radio Free Warners'; the Ninja Thugs, created by... (frowns at the paper) Looks like nobody's quite sure. Well, it's a safe bet somebody'll take the credit, if it wins. And the *final* flippin' nominee's the Omenex, from the writers of "Pinky, Histeria, and the Brain"... (Cut to a clip of the Omenex, as well as a beaming Danielle in the audience...) (Slappy crumples & tosses aside the paper, lifts the award envelope and offers it to Skippy.) Here's your early birthday present, Skip! SKIPPY: (eagerly opening the envelope and reading) And the Harley goes to... The Siren, for Snowflake, son of Snowball! (general applause) (Siren, still sporting a huge, hammy grin for the camera, and a long, purple dress, makes her way toward the stage. At her heels is Snowflake. When she arrives, she takes the award from Slappy, who snorts indifferently. As Slappy and Skippy make their way to the back of the stage, Snowflake hops up onto the podium). SIREN: (Hissing to Snowflake) Remember, we only have 30 seconds before the anvil drops, and it's not going to be on me. SNOWFLAKE: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to congratualte you on your impeccible taste, your good judgement in voting...(Siren flicks him with her fingers) OW! (in pain) And to David Hyde Pierce for giving me my voice. (Shot of David Hyde Piere smiling in the audience). VOICE IN CROWD: It should have been me! (Cut from Pierce to another hampster sitting next to David Spade, the former of whom is shaking his tiny fist, and the latter of whom is pouting). SNOWFLAKE: And a special nod to my brother, Desi--Designated Sample One--who perhaps someday will appear in his own fanfic. (Spade and Desi pout). SIREN: In which case Gookie will be up here accepting this award with me. Anyway, we would like to thank all the other contributors of Chaos of Characters, and all the other writers, especially Sharklady for her nomination, and Romey for his incredible support through the year and a half or so that Snowflake has been around. Thanks go out also to Harley, the maintainer of Toon Zone, without whom none of this would have ever come to light. And of course, thanks to Pinky, Brain, Snowball, and a special nod to the late, great, Roddy MacDowell. (Audience applauds). SNOWFLAKE: And hence, avoiding the anvil by 5 seconds, we wish you...(an anvil comes clanging down, but whooshes by Siren and Snowflake, crashing through the floor. They look up.) SIREN: Your aim is off! (Peeking through the hole from which the anvil came is...) WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Sorry. I was aiming for Harvey down there. SNOWFLAKE: (very peeved) I am NOT Harvey!! WEIRD AL: (grinning knowingly) Well, you LOOK like Harvey. SNOWFLAKE: (really, really peeved) I most certainly do NOT look like Harvey! And how dare you...(But Siren has clapsed her hand around his mouth--and body--and, exchaning a knowing wink with Al, picks up the Harley). SIREN: Thank you!! (She walks off the stage, Snowball and award in hand. Slappy and Skippy follow her out). [YAKKO takes the podium.] YAKKO: And now, a very special guest host will introduce our next award. [AXEL FOLEY, grinning broadly, appears behind YAKKO, straightens his collar, and grins broadly]. FOLEY: Thank you, thank you. Reminds me of the time I-- YAKKO: Ehhhhhhhh...it's not you, Mr. Foley. FOLEY: WHAT?!? [a series of bleeps follows] [Zip pan to backstage area, where LYDIA KARAOKE and SAMMY MELMAN are talking.] SM: Whoo! My ears are bleeding! I tell you, Lyds--I haven't heard a cussfest like this since Sonny Tufts emceed my cousin's bar mitzvah. Think we could get Mr. F. to tone it down a wee tad? LK: Hey, I didn't get this "Most Conscientious Critic Award" last year for nada, Sam. [hold up a trophy resembling a literal interpretation of the phrase "stick up one's...uh...rear end"] Oh, one more thing. SM: What, Lyds? LK [grabs SAMMY's tie, looks him sqaure in the eye]: I HATE to be called "Lyds". SM [weak laugh]: Gotcha. [Zip pan back to stage, with FOLEY still ranting.] FOLEY: --And I'll (bleep)ing tell you another thing! I ain't done nothin' all night but get hollered at, get my butt whupped, and nearly drowned by a bunch of schnauser-looking (bleep)s! (Bleep) it, my (bleep) (bleep) family's here to see me! [Cut to Foley's parents in the audience--CLETUS KLUMP, MAMA KLUMP, and GRANDMA KLUMP, from "The Nutty Professor". Each takes up two seats.] CLETUS: You tell 'em, Axy boy! Don't let those ugly little freaks push your butt around! MAMA: Oh, hush, Cletus. I think they're cute. Especially that darling little one with the flower in her hair. [DOT does a finger-to-the-cheek "I'm-such-a-sweetie" pose; YAKKO and WAKKO do twin finger-in-the-throat "bleah" takes.] CLETUS: You say whatever you want to, baby--but them things scare me! Look like three rejects from some genetic modification experiment thingamajig! [Zip pan to Brain, Pinky, and Billie, who turn around and frown at Cletus.] CLETUS: You know what I think about this whole thing? GRANDMA: Ain't nobody care what you think, you fat old grouch. CLETUS: Old? You don't be talkin' about old! You so old when the good Lord said "Let there be light", you went looking for the lamp! AXEL: [Bleep] it, Dad! You're in public! Stop calling Grandma names. CLETUS: You ain't too big for me to put over my knee and whup you, boy. MAMA: Cletus, be quiet. Nobody wants to hear your outbursts. CLETUS: That weren't no outburst--that was an opinion! THIS is an outburst! [Before Cletus can express his "outburst" example, Yakko cuts him off] YAKKO: Aahhhh, save the bodily function jokes for the next "Nutty Professor" sequel... [Zipping back to the stage]...and on that note--here to announce "Best Use of A Rude Body Noise in a FanFic", courtesy of the Histeria! time machine--Mr. Redd Foxx! [The "Sanford and Son" theme plays, and FOXX enters from stage left. He has a cigarette in one hand and a shot glass of Scotch in the other.] FOLEY: What the [bleep] [bleep]! Dead folks are getting the mike before me! It ain't [bleep]ing fair! FOXX: I could lie in my grave a hundred years and I'd still be funnier than you, dummy. FOLEY: Dummy? Ain't nobody calls me a [bleep] dummy and goes to bed happy! I oughta whup your wrinkly butt, old man! FOXX [startles, grabs his heart]: Ohh! Oh, this is it! This the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you, honey! FOLEY: Aw, [bleep]! Aw, [bleep]ing [bleep]! I ain't mean it! I ain't gonna hurt you! Don't croak on me, old man! Please don't croak! FOXX [Suddenly composed]: Okay...I won't. [takes card] And the nominees are--[squints]--I--I can't read this without my glasses. FOLEY: Well, get your [bleep]ing glasses, [bleep]er! [FOXX reaches into his suitcoat pocket, pulls out a pile of spectacles, and dumps them on the podium.] FOLEY: [Long bleep] You trying to open up your own Lenscrafters, you old [bleep]? FOXX [ignoring him, picking up glasses one by one and peering through them]: Naw, these is my driving glasses...Nope, these are for playing sports...Uh-uh...Oh, no, those are bifocals--give me a headache--ah! [finds pair he needs, reads card] And the nominees for Rude Body Noise are-- YAKKO: [Interrupting Foxx] *NOBODY*! This thing's *already* breakin' the "PG"-rated mark as it is with all the swearing... FOXX: Awww...(blee)--- [Cut off as we see Doc Brown drive onto the stage in the DeLorean time machine; we see the sibs stuff Foxx into the passenger seat (with Foxx clutching his chest all the while), and Doc takes off...three sonic booms are soon heard outside of the theater.] DOT: OK...the *next* award is: Stupidest Moment in a Fanfic Story! (Pauses) Boy, now *there's* a category ripe for nominations... WAKKO: And presenting this award will be Central City’s super-fast protector...the *Flash*! Along with famed actress Halle Berry, and famed actor Nathan Lane! [To a trumpet fanfare, we see a red streak blur towards the stage, and come to the stop...it's the Flash himself, drawn in S:TAS style...we also see walk out onto the stage calmly Halle Berry and Nathan Lane himself, as a certain D*sney song about "no worries" from a certain lion-themed film starts up, but is cut off by Wakko taking a mallet to a record player off-stage...] WAKKO: Sorry... [Grins broadly] FLASH: [Raising an eyebrow at the puppy-child] Oh-kaaay...lessee...I'm supposed to give an award for the "stupidest moment in a fan fiction story"...and I thought *I* had some stupid stuff happen to me alone! That dumb Christmas special with me teleporting myself through a wall thanks to the help of some flippin' *elf* was bad enough... (from off-stage, we hear Elfy yell, "HEY!") HALLE BERRY: Don't forget that brief cameo I had in that currently-comatose "Lethal Intellect" thing...by the way, Mr. Brain, you still owe me parking ticket reimbursements for that dumb job... [Muttering] Preferably *soon*... LANE: I don't even know *why* I'm here...apparently, the writer couldn't think of any other celebrity to throw in... [Pan to Brainatra, out in the audience...he's put away the "Flash" comics] BRAINATRA: True...hmm...wonder if that Bruce Vilanch guy's still available? Or even Mr. Director... LANE: *MR. DIRECTOR*?! The guy who insisted on axing my proposed, multimillion-dollar, big-star remake of "My Dinner with Andre" because it had, in his "words", "too much of a plot, not enough of the action with the explosions and the dramaticness and things froinladen"?!? [Eyes narrow] Where is *he*?! MR. DIRECTOR: [In the audience] [Zany] Uh...here I am not? LANE: [Sternly] I'll see you *after* the show, Mr. "Director"... FLASH: Anyway, our nominees for this category are: [Pan over to Axel...] AXEL: Uh...dunno if I'm eager to get (bleep)in' nominated for *this* one... DOT: (VO) Craig, for "the Warners Meet the Simpletons"! [A clip of the post-apocalyptic, Sprungfield-destroying blast is shown, followed by a clip of Yakko remarking that "Sprungfield's safe", Wakko showing he has no belt, and of Burt Simpleton remarking about "room to expand the town."] DOT: (VO) Brainatra, for "Radio Free Warners"! [A clip plays of the gang taking on a bizarre assortment of Washington, D.C.-based ninja-thugs...] DOT: (VO) The entire writing crew, for "39 Characters"! [A clip plays of the characters discovering that "Kellner"'s really Baloney, "Kellner" explaining his stupid "evil scheme", and the way the characters were oh-so-contrivedly and easily captured by the villains] DOT: (VO) Capt. Caps, for "Warner Academy"! [A clip plays of the Muppets showing up to accompany our heroes to D*sneyw*rld] DOT: And the winner *is*.... [Reads the note] a *tie*?! Everyone, for "39 Characters", and *Craig*, for "Simpletons"! How about that... [Everyone walks out onto the stage...the Warners hand the group award to Romey, and Craig his own award] CRAIG: Hey, who'd think I'd win such an illustrious and crudely-made reproduction of Harley Quinn for creating a post-apocalyptic meltdown, huh?! BRAINATRA: Certainly not *me*...c'mon, "space to expand the town"?! And we never got to see what happened to Gomer after he left the plant?! CRAIG: Please...as if that dumb "two places at once" bit was any *better*? Or the fact that you ripped off that "villains kidnap the heroes in an oh-so-contrivedly easy way" bit in "39 Characters" from an old JLA story? ROMEY: I dunno...having pro wrestlers show up and the *Muppets* seemed pretty stupid... CAPT. CAPS: Oh, yeah? What about the idea of a bunch of *frogs* overrunning a post-apocalyptic future?! Or that bit with Sharklady making "Kellner" *Baloney*?! SHARKLADY: Hey, it wasn't *that* bad! Or as bad as Brainatra mentioning the Flash's powers to death in that "Fastest Mice Alive" thing...I mean, how the heck do you "vibrate your molecular structure"?! That's *nonsense*! Though no more nonsensical than anything *else* we've seen tonight...like the notion of a Detroit cop bringing on armageddon... [From off-stage, Axel yells *HEY*!] [The gang walk off-stage, still debating amongst themselves...cut to Axel...] AXEL: I'm gettin' mighty (bleep)in' bored...can't we see somethin' *good* happen?! [As if in answer to Axel's query, we pan over to the back of the stage...where we see hidden in shadows is none other than Moe Syzslak of the "Simpsons"...] MOE: Blow up *my* bar along with half the town in that Warners....Simpsons...story...thing, will they? "Space to expand the town" my heiny! Well, those little *brats* are gonna be the ones to pay for tryin' to "gentrify" my neck of the woods! HA! (* - Moe’s bar got blown up along with half of Springfield in "The Warners Meet the Simpletons") [Next to Moe, we see Mikey and Sheryl from "Radio Free Warners". Mikey is dressed in an Armani suit, and Sheryl is dressed up like Madonna in "Desperately Seeking Susan".] Mikey: Amen ta that! Sheryl: Yeah, scaring us off with a monster in a box, then having us pull a "Team Rocket"? What the (bleep) was that?* (* - as seen in "Radio Free Warners") Mikey: I won't even get into the fact that we were (bleeped) over in the "Best Villain" category. Moe: I've got the baseball bat! Mikey: I've got the switchblade! Sheryl: I've got my wild "Madonna-wannabe" clothes! Oh, and some bricks wrapped in barbed wire! Moe, Mikey and Sheryl: Let's show 'em we mean business! [Zip pan back to the stage. We see Wakko doing his "Great Wakkorotti" bit, much to the dismay of the audience.] Moe: (Striding out) Hey, puppy kids! Remember us? Wakko: (Cutting out the burping) What in the name of Dave Barry are you doing here? Mikey: Eliminating you...whatevers for good! Sheryl: (Tossing the bricks) Choke on these! Yakko: Duck! Dot: Duck! Wakko: Goose! [Yakko and his siblings gather in a huddle while ducking the weapons. They are talking. The huddle breaks.] Yakko: Hold your fire! We're going to give you a special Harley! Moe: Really? Hey, that's real sweet of you! Dot: Yes! Come over here! [Moe, Mikey and Sheryl walk over to a square on the stage floor. Suddenly, we hear rockets. The platform lifts off and flies into the air.] Moe: What's going on here?! Mikey: Oh, God! Why did this have to happen?! Sheryl: (As they go through the roof) Hey, look at it this way! We're avoiding jail time! [Pan back down from the ceiling to Yakko.] Yakko: Little do they know about the police helicopters we've got over New Jersey! All right, now for a reward with fewer revenge-seeking bartenders....best romance! Dot: Now there's an award with little drama, we all know which mice pair have a lock on this one. Yakko: Actually they're not even nominated...and let me explain _before_ Billie and Romey-the-writer protest. Since those two have had so many "romantic" moments in so many stories, like Dot said, there would be no drama. So this is the best non-Billie and Pinky romance award to honor the other love teams in our stories. Wakko: Yeah, those two have so many moments they should have their own catagory. And I bet we know which writer would be responsible for that. [Romey grins sheepishly in the audience] Yakko: Hey, I'm the one that usually says that stuff! Wakko: Oh...sorry! (Grins) Dot: Anyway, the nominees are.... (shocked) Billie-2 and Pinky-2 for "Brain of Two Worlds?!" What the... Yakko: My fault, I should have noted this. Since that version of Billie and Pinky are from another universe and have been in only one story, they can be nominated. But this should make you better, the next nominees are you and Axel for "Warner Academy"... Dot: When you're right, you're right... (pausing) I *think*... Axel: Oh [bleep], I get nominated for that?! Could this get any [bleeping] wor....ha, you're not getting me to finish that line and get [bleeping] pummeled, got ya there! Wakko: [Ignoring Axel's minor victory] Hey look at this Dot, you and Max the Timecop are nominated for "Once and Future Warners"! Dot: [More pleased looking] Ooh, this keeps getting better... Yakko: The last two aren't you though, they're Brain and Diplo for "The Mousyville Horror" and Loud Kiddington and Charity Bazaar for that really serious story "Another 24 Hours" [View of Loud in the audience, Charity is now with him, and seated next to them is someone with recently cut hair, both facial and up top, a not entirely clear face, but with a smile and the trademark suit on] Wakko: All right then, the winner is...hey have you guys noticed the last nominees seem to win these things? I mentioned this because it happened again, the winners are Loud and Charity for "Another 24 Hours"! Let's bring them up to accept this, along with the writer that brought them together, Robert! [Loud and Charity, as well as the guy seated next to them, whom we should know now is Robert, come up. Dot doesn't look too happy, but then she perks up] Dot: Oh well, I should have expected this. We're paroding the Oscars, and they usually pick stories like this to win awards, so why should we be different? Although accepting an award with that time-traveling badge wearing hunk would have been dreamy... (the Warners walk off) Robert: Thank you Dot for noting that, and also thanks for not making any jokes about Loud here having a chance to use a microphone. Ahem, anyway it's a great honor to be up here tonight, and though many of you may criticize me for writing a story or two that was very serious, far from most of the stuff being honored, I say, heck, the WB made the mistakes on Histeria!, there's no rule saying I can't try my darndest to fix them, and this was my way of doing it. Loud: Yep, he may have created a horrible nightmare of an adventure and had us face such evil madmen, but he also gave us, especially me more than anyone ever could, including the love of the other person up here with me. Though as seen through that first incident with Mr. Foley, yelling for me is a hard habit to break completly, the recovery has long since been under way. Charity: I too have a lot to be thankful for. Before this as you know I was so unhappy, now thanks to Mr Dougherty's turn of events, I'm far from it. Coupled with the fact that my other friends haven't teased us about our relationship as much as I thought they would, well, to put a twist in my former catch phrase, I'm not unhappy. Robert: Well said. To wrap this up, I personally would like to thank Gene Hackman for being such a great actor to choose for the voice of the mad Dr Burrows, Frank Welker for his terrific Peter Lorre voice I used for Vincent Morre, and Mr Lorre and Vincent Price for being such great impersinable actors to base on the thankfully deceased Mr Morre. May he and Gene not rest in peace. Thanks again, love{glances at the two kids}luck, to the writers for their upcoming insanity, and lollypops to...well, no one comes to mind now. But thanks! [The three histerical award winners leave the stage and the Warners come back] Yakko: At least with them, we were prepared for a not entirely funny speech. Robert: (Calling out) No need to make fun, I can be as funny and satirical as anyone here! But this part is long enough, so let's just go on to the next award, please. Yakko: Shouldn't we have gotten to say that? [Cut to the backstage area, where LYDIA seems pleased.] LYDIA: Well, I was pretty bothered by that Moe "Sleazebag" and his little buddies running about throwing bricks and cursing like sailors...but seeing that little boy and little girl in love really made up for that whole ugliness, plus that little spat between Mr. Foley and Mr. Foxx before. Maybe now we can settle down and be civil. SAMMY MELMAN: Darn right, Lyds! That mushy romantic stuff sends our "Q" rating right through the stratosphere! [sppeaks into tape recorder] Note to self--more couples making kissy-face later in the show! LYDIA [sarcastic]: You're a real Cyrano, Sam. [Cut to DOT at podium.] DOT: And now, courtesy once again of the Histeria! time machine, a couple of real French kisses-- YAKKO: Mwah! Good night, everybody! Dot [ignoring her brother]: --Joan of Arc and Empress Josephine! [Applause. Enter JOSEPHINE and JOAN from stage left.] JOAN: Our next award, like, goes to Best Moment of Epiphany in a FanFic! [gasps] I have a friend named Epiphany! Is she in one of these marvy short stories? [Cut to NAPOLEON in audience.] NAPOLEON: Don't say "short"! [Cut back to stage.] JOAN: Oopsie! That's "Tiffany"! My bad! JOSEPHINE [reads from card; speech slightly stilted]: An epiphany is a moment of great discovery or importance that profoundly alters one's life for better or worse. And the nominals--oops, that's a typo--the people getting the award are...the Siren for revealing the true identity of Melissa's parents in "Circle Closing In"! [Shot of THE SIREN, seated near BRAIN and PINKY, offstage.] JOAN: The second nominee is, like--ohmigosh, grody name!--Dr. Belch, for revealing, like, the true identity of a long-awaited savior in "Waiting for Go-boo"! [The house lights look for DR. BELCH, but he isn't in. Cut to a shot of the building exterior, where COURTNEY COX and DR. BELCH are waiting in line at the theater's box office for tickets to Howard Stern's show.] JOSEPHINE: The next nominee is The Siren, for revealing the existence of a Snowball heir in "Chaos of Characters". [Shot of SIREN and SNOWFLAKE in the audience. SIREN waves politely, although SNOWFLAKE looks sulky and won't face the camera.] JOAN: Like, okay--Kevin Mickel for revealing the "identity" of Buster Bunny's daddy in "What's in a Name?"! [Shot of MICKEL seated next to BUSTER, who has crossed his fingers, toes, eyes, ears, and everything else crossable on a bunny body.] JOSEPHINE: And finally one for Brainatra [Cut to shot of him in the audience, seated near Pinky], for revealing who was actually writing the crazy script for "Flintwarners" in--uh--[back to JOSEPHINE, fumbling through her cards, bewildered]--it cuts off. I think you have my card there, Joanie. JOAN: It's, like, "Flintwarners", Josie! You just said it. D--uhh! JOSEPHINE: Oh, yeah. [laughs] I got crepes for brains. JOAN: And, okay! Like, the winner is, totally--*DR BELCH*! [The audience murmurs, as they note that Doc isn't there anymore...zip pan to outside the Artemis Theater once more, where we see that he's now embroiled in an argument with Jay and Silent Bob of "Clerks"/"Suburbia" fame...zip pan back to the theater...] JOAN: Well, I guess we'll mail it to 'em later... [Tosses the award off-stage, where we hear Sammy yell "*OW!*"] [The two historical celebs leave the stage, and we see the Warners return...] YAKKO: Whoo-eee, this thing's going on faster than a speeding bullet! And speaking of the need for speed, here's our next awards presenter---SPEEDY GONZALES! [Cut to Superman...] SUPERMAN: [Raising an eyebrow] They used my "faster than a speeding bullet" catchphrase for a superspeed-possessing *mouse*?! (Sighs) Oh, well... [We hear a brief rendition of the "Mexican Hat Dance" play, as Speedy races to the stage, and up to the microphone...] SPEEDY: Hola, everyone! I'm really glad to be here and see all my friends win all these awards...but now, the next award is for a very special category: "Best Historical Fanfic"! [Cut back to Axel Foley once more...] AXEL: [Staccato laugh] I've *gotta* win this one! No (bleep)in' way I'm gonna lose now... LOUD: Yeah, right... AXEL: Hey! I can't imagine anyone else who deserve an award more than *I* do! LOUD: Um...how about---THEM?! [Points to several seats down from them, where we see Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. DuBois are seated.] AXEL: Please... [Cut back to Speedy...] SPEEDY: (VO) The nominees are: "Motown Mice", starring Pinky, Billie, Brain, and the 5-year-old Axel Foley in 1966... (A clip plays of Billie singing "I Heard It Through the Phone Line") SPEEDY: (VO) ..."Brain's Mission For President Reagan", starring Pinky, Billie, Brain and the Man of Steel years ago... (A clip plays of Superboy and the mice chowing down on jelly beans given by the President...) SPEEDY: (VO) "The Once and Future Warners", starring the Warners *and* Axel Foley---*again*?! (A clip plays of Axel and the Warners fighting each other in 2015...) SPEEDY: (VO) And finally, "Pinky, Histeria, and the Brain", starring the lab mice *again*, that Wally Faust fellow, and the Histeria gang... (A clip plays of the Histerians fighting the Omenex across time and space...) SPEEDY: And the winner is... [Opens the envelope] *YEE-HA*! "Motown Mice"! AXEL: (BLEEP)! I've finally *WON*! [Jumps out of his seat and waves his fists over his head, with Loud and Charity looking at him oddly] *YEAH*! WOO-HOO! SPEEDY: Uh...wait, Se–or, I'm not finished...the *specific* winners of this award are Brainatra, the lab mice fellows, *and* the 1966 Detroit Citywide Gospel Singoff Champions! [Said group walk out onto the stage, including the now-aged-34-years choir...] BILLIE: [Accepting the award] Thank you, for this great award! While I wish my bad fashion choices hadn't ruined our chances here at the Artemis Theater all those years ago, I do wish to say that this theater's seen much in the way of *other* great musical acts, such as--- AXEL: [Walking out onto the stage] Hold the (bleep)in' phone! Why the (bleep) do you (bleep)s deserve this award, and *I* don't?! I was in that (bleep) story, too! It's so (bleep)in' unfair! [A man with a deep voice walks out from the choir group] MAN: Good *lord*, it's been quite awhile since *we've* seen *you* at church, little Axel... AXEL: Uh...[Quietly] Reverend Smith? REV. SMITH: Yes, it's me, Axel...now, I'm sure you were meaning to say something about our winning this award? We were merely spreading the joy of singing with millions of other people, that's all...but if *you* wish to protest... AXEL: Uh....[Sees a bright light shine on the entire church choir...pan up to see that it's Wakko shining a penlight on them...] Oh, (ble)---[Cuts it off as he sees the reverend glancing at him] ---shoot. Uh...sorry I said anything... [Shuffles back to his seat] [To Loud] Not *one* word... [Loud stifles a giggle...] BILLIE: And now, we'd like to sing you all a very special song...to pad out this thing. Hit it! [The choir begins to break out into a song, namely "I Heard It Through the Phone Line"...we see Billie whip out a mouse-sized microphone from out of nowhere, and begin singing along...the boys merely stand there, Brain looking a bit annoyed. Pan to the back of the Artemis Theater, where we see approaching, clothes slightly torn, are Mikey, Sheryl, and Moe...] MOE: Try to get rid of *us*, will they? Good thing I have a few ties with Chief Wiggum... MIKEY: What ties? You just slipped him a pass for a month's free supply of Duff! MOE: Hey, I have my ways...now, let's take care of those Warner...things...for *good*! [Cut to the stage, where Billie and the choir have finished their set; the chorus, as well as the mice, leave the stage...] YAKKO: Now, we've seen all sorts of things go on tonight! Gratuitous celebrity cameos, attempts on our life, and Axel losing at everything he's been nominated for! DOT: We hear his anger, his pain, his torment... AXEL: (V.O.) (BLEEPING) A! WAKKO: Anyway, we have a special award coming up, and here to present it are Billie, late-80s pop singer... YAKKO and DOT: Another one? WAKKO: Ahem! Um, where was I? Oh, yeah! Billie, late-80s pop singer Paula Abdul, and James Gandolfini, star of the breakout HBO smash "The Sopranos"! [Paula and James walk out on stage. Paula is dressed up in the clothing she wore in the music video for "Straight Up". Billie hops out onto the podium.] BILLIE: Once in a great while, there comes a person who can change your life forever. PAULA: That person can take you to ever-dizzying heights of adventure... JAMES: And then make your life a living... BRAINATRA: (V.O.) Don't say it! ...this thing’s already approaching an "R" rating as it is... (Glares at Axel Foley, who grin broadly) JAMES: Uh...*heck*! Make your life a living *heck*! BRAINATRA: (V.O.) That's better! BILLIE: The name of this award is the "Brian Cruz Lifetime Achievement Award". PAULA: Named after one of the founding members of Toonzone. JAMES: We're pulling for you, Brian! PAULA: The first recipient of this award is a man of boundless energy... JAMES: Boundless attitude... BILLIE: And boundless vulgarity! PAULA: He was set on fire... SHARKLADY: [Flatly, with her arms crossed] *Don't remind us*... JAMES: He nearly brought on the apocalypse... WARNERS: [Flatly, with their arms crossed] *Don't remind us*... BILLIE: And he's been a loser tonight... YAKKO: Just *tonight*? [The speakers glare at him] Sorry... BILLIE: [Continuing] Anyway, he's been a loser all *evening*---until now! The first "Brian Cruz Lifetime Achievement Award" goes to... BILLIE, PAULA and JAMES: AXEL FOLEY! AXEL: Holy (bleeping) (bleep)! I don't (bleeping) believe it! [AXEL runs to the stage to the strains of "Axel F" (the "Beverly Hills Cop" Theme). Everybody in the audience stands up and applauds...well, almost everybody.] PINKY: Should we clap for him, Brain? BRAIN: He purportedly nearly ruined the future, he took our adventures into the realm of an "R" rating, and he can be rather nasty, but against my better judgement...eh, why not? [BRAIN and PINKY hop up on Sharklady's shoulders and applaud. AXEL steps to the podium.] AXEL: Yes! Justice is (bleeping) mine! Wow, who woulda (bleeping) thought that a Detroit cop could go crooked, go (bleeping) insane, go off the deep end of vulgarity, and still be treated like a (bleeping) hero? I would like to thank my parents, and my grandma in the audience! I (bleeping) love you guys! [Cut to Axel's parents in the audience...] AXEL'S MAMA: Oh, isn't that sweet? CLETUS: I oughta take that boy over my knee and give him a good whupping! GRANDMA: Oh, shut up, old man, and let him enjoy his moment in the sun! CLETUS: Who're you callin' old, Methuselah? [Cut back to the stage.] AXEL: You know what? I don't (bleeping) care about my family's (bleeping) arguing! This is my (bleeping) night. Thanks to all the (bleeps) on the (bleeping) Story Board for turning me from a hero to a (bleeping) villain and back again, and a special thanks to Captain Caps for writing my first words in a fan-fiction. You're a swell (bleeping) guy, you know that? [Cut to Captain Caps, in the audience. He cuts off his chat with Pretty Poison lead singer Jade Starling to yell out a thank you to Axel.] JADE: You brought Axel into Warner Brothers fanfic stories? CAPTAIN CAPS: You bet! DAVID SPADE: (Turning back from his seat) Thank God he hasn't noticed me! After I insulted him on "Saturday Night Live", he never wants to return to SNL again as long as he lives! BRAINATRA: I, myself, haven't enjoyed anything on "SNL" since "Wayne's World"! MIKE MYERS: (Popping up out of nowhere, and talking to Captain Caps) Same here! Wayne should've been used instead of Austin Powers in HYAWLC. Captain Caps, what were you thinking? DAVID HYDE PIERCE: (Turning from his seat) Same thing here. I've worked for D*sney, before. Would you have Slappy toss dynamite into my pants if it were me instead of Axel? STEVE WHITMIRE: (Turning around) And what about using the Muppets? STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN: Or putting me into "Warner Academy" when you knew that everyone on the board hates wrestling? CAPTAIN CAPS: Oh, God! Let's just talk about this after the show! AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [Axel, long having left the stage, laughs at him.] AXEL: (Bleeping) 80s lover! [The rest of the audience starts laughing at Caps, and insulting him. Caps then snaps out of his sleep, and Axel is still having his speech.] CAPTAIN CAPS: Oh, God, he's been going on forever! That's the last time I eat 3 slices of pepperoni pizza before deciding to take a nap... [Back to the stage, where Axel's still going on...] AXEL: And I want to thank Mr. Peterson, for that "C+" in fifth grade English, and my dry cleaner, and... (clearly running out of people to thank)...uh, that woman who modelled the clay figure for my voice in "The P.J.’s", uh...the entire nation of Portugal, where I went on vacation 15 years ago, er...ah...and most of all... WARNERS: *YES*? AXEL: I'd like to thank...er...ah... WARNERS: *Come onnnnn*.... AXEL: [Flatly] Oh, all *right*...*you* crazy (bleep)s! Even though you've driven me crazy in the past, you're OK, I guess... [The Warners jump into Axel's arms, and give him a large comedic kiss...Axel drops them, and spits to the floor...] AXEL: Ack! That's it, I'm *done*, people! Uh...don't forget to watch my new film, "Nutty Professor II:The Klumps"! I'm *out*! Later! [Axel walks off-stage, with his theme music playing and the audience applauding...he heads back to his seat, and sits back down next to Loud.] AXEL: Ha! How'd ya like *dem* apples? Amazin', ain't it...an ordinary comedian/Detroit police detective can go from investigatin' illegal Beanie Babies to nearly screwing up the future outta insane revenge, to goin' back to a good guy, *and* get this (bleep)in' award! Isn't America *great*?! LOUD: Um...whatever. [To Charity] Uh...when did *he* get ahold of a time machine?! CHARITY: Ask Father Time about it...though you probably don't even want to *know* about that incident... [Cut back to the stage...] YAKKO: Welllll, since we've broken tonight's Susan Lucci-esque streak of not giving Axel Foley his own award, let's move on to the *next* category...which'd be...aaaahhh...[Looks at his cue card] "Most Amusing Fast Food Stop"! To present this award, here's Melissa Lamsen of "Circle Closing In", *and*...Melissa Lamsen from "Brain of Two Worlds"...[Does a bit of a double take] What th---?! [Walking out onto the stage are "our" youthful Melissa Lamsen, along with her middle-aged, otherworldly doppelganger from "Brain of Two Worlds"...] MELISSA: I'd like to thank you all for inviting me..er, us...er, you know...here tonight! I've been meaning to take a tour of the Artemis Theater for awhile, but never got the chance... MELISSA-2: And *I'd* like to say that this is the *most* bizarre thing that's *ever* happened to me...crossing dimensional boundaries just to give a cheesy *award*?! For of all things, stopping off at M*ckey Dee's... (Notices the bleeped out word noise, and sighs)...anyway, I guess that's not important now...here's the nominations: MELISSA: (VO) The Warners in "Package Deal"... (we see the Warners pull that lame "two places at once" gag at McDonald's) MELISSA-2: (VO) The Animaniacs gang for "Warner Academy" (we see play a scene with Brain eating a garden salad, and looking annoyed by Pinky's choice of non-Burger King cuisine) MELISSA: (VO) A massive number of characters for "Have Yourselves a Wakko Little Christmas"... (we see a clip of Brain screaming at the sight of a McDonald's in of all places, the Arctic, and of Foamy moaning afterwards over the choice of meal...) MELISSA-2: (VO) The Brain, Billie, Pinky, and Superman...the ones indigenous to *this* Earth, I guess...for "Brain of Two Worlds"...(a clip plays of these heroes eating at a McDonald's in the New York City of the parallel world alpahnumerically dubbed "Earth-2"...) MELISSA: And *finally*, uh..."Radio Free Warners"... (we see a clip of the gang standing around at a McD's in Indianapolis, with Slappy noting that all the good/bad McD's gags got used up long ago and Wakko [to Sharklady's dismay] blowing up some guy in an Indianapolis Colts sweatshirt without proper provocation...) MELISSA-2: Geez, you guys eat a lot of fast food...don't you know that that's not very healthy? Maybe you should eat more vegetables, or bring food from home on your adventures, or something! Better yet, there’s this great vegetarian restaurant in midtown Manhattan that’s...that’s... [We see Lydia glare at this alternate-Melissa sternly, waving a placard showing that McDonald's is one of the sponsors] *Sigh*...never mind...anyway, the winner is: another *tie*..."Wakko Little Christmas", and "Warner Academy"! Here to accept this award will be Craig *and* Brainatra... [The two writers walk out onto the stage...] CRAIG: Thanks! Another neat-looking doorstop! [The two Melissas glare at him oddly] Er, I mean, "illustrious trophy case fodder"...er, I *mean* to say... BRAINATRA: ...um...that we're glad to see this amusing running gag get turned into an award! Say, Craig...what *did* Foamy do with all that money he sued the Arctic McDonald's for? CRAIG: Sadly, Foamy wastefully frittered it away on...(sighs) ...*day trading*. Who'd have thought the addictive allure of the internet would make someone as noble as *he* succumb... [Shakes his head sadly] BRAINATRA: Um...yeah. C'mon...let's get a burger at Mc---uh...how about some *pizza* instead?! CRAIG: Fine... [The two bid so long to the Melissas, and walk off-stage...] [Back stage, while the audience applauds, we see Moe, Mike, and Sheryl, plotting out their revenge inside of a broom closet with an overhead light on...they're listening to this award ceremony over a speaker...] MIKE: OK, what's the plan, Moe? MOE: Remember that flippin’ CGI pinball machine thingamajig from that "Catty...Cornered...Rigatoni...Vermin-Hating...Big Exterminator...Show....Tunes...Thing?" SHERYL: Yeah... MOE: Well, I thought I'd turn the tide *against* those Warner brats! I'm gonna borrow that stupid clip show's pinball machine set from those two paper-cutout-lookin' kids, and I'm gonna subject those three brats to a cheaply-produced introduction experience they won't forget! Ha! Oh, I'm so crafty... [Cut back to the stage...we see the two Melissas leave the stage...] MELISSA: Um...want to go get something to eat after the show? MELISSA-2: Sure, why not? Let me guess...chef's salads with thousand island light dressing? MELISSA: [Smirks] How'd you guess? [Back to the stage...] YAKKO: Ok, let's see...next, is... DOT: The longest fanfic! WAKKO: Over the course of the years- YAKKO: (Interrupting him) Let's cut out the exposition, and get to the award! Here to present the Harley in this category is legendary guitarist Eric Clapton, "Family Ties" star Justine Bateman, and our old friend Dr. Scratchansniff! [Eric, Justine and Scratchy walk on stage.] ERIC: I've gotten the news that we can't do the usual pre-awards patter. JUSTINE: I heard. Apparently, the WB affiliates are worried about this show running into overtime and interrupting their darn "Frasier" reruns. [Cut to Kelsey Grammer in the audience.] KELSEY: What's wrong with "Frasier" reruns? They're witty, charming... CAPTAIN CAPS: Obsessively dwelled on by this mentally-challenged Jehovah's Witness I knew who also loved Marilyn Manson... KELSEY: Shut up! [Cut back to the stage. The Warners give bizarre looks at this exhange...] SCRATCHY: Let's just announce the nominees! They are..."Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas"... JUSTINE: "39 Characters In Search Of A Plot"... ERIC: "The Fastest Mice Alive"... SCRATCHY: "Warner Academy"... JUSTINE: And "Mouse In The Mirror". ERIC: And the winner is...Surprise, surprise, surprise, it's another tie! The winners are "HYAWLC" and "FMA". [Beepbeep, Brainatra, Captain Caps, Craig and Romey walk on stage. Brainatra takes the "HYAWLC" statue, and beepbeep takes the "FMA" award.] Brainatra: We don't know what else to say, except thank you! Captain Caps: If "Animaniacs" and "Pinky and The Brain" were still on the air instead of that "Cat-And-Bunny-Give-Me-Money-Stupid-Corny-Me-So-(Bleep)y Show", and they made our fanfics into actual episodes, there would be no room for "P*kemon"! Romey: Ha! If only! Craig: Face it, the "Silver Age" of WB animation's over... Captain Caps: And now, we'll sing a song about that sad situation as we exit the stage...."King of Wishful Thinking", by Go West! Brainatra: *I* don't think so... especially since I've never heard of 'em... [Walks off stage and exits, to go rent a U-Haul for all these awards] [Muttering] *Bruce Springsteen*...*Michael Jackson*... *Luther Vandross*... [As Brainatra exits the stage, the others shrug, and begin to sing.] Craig, Romey, Captain Caps and beepbeep: (Singing Go West's "King Of Wishful Thinking") I'll get over you/ I know I will/ I'll pretend my ship's not sinking/ I'll tell myself/ I'm over you/ 'Cause I'm the King Of Wishful Thinking! Justine: Well, that was pointless! Eric: That reminds me! The "Overused Line/Gag" award is next up, and here to present the award are...one celebrity and an "A!" character yet to be determined. Justine: We're out! [As Justine, Eric, the writers, and Scratchy exit the stage, we hear them speaking.] Eric: Let's get dinner! Scratchy: I know a place that serves killer spatzele! [The Warners take the stage once more...] DOT: Here to present the "most overused line/gag" award are: Slappy Squirrel and *Patrick Stewart*! [The audience murmurs amongst themselves, as they see Slappy Squirrel and Stewart walk out to the stage...we hear a snippet of the ST:TNG theme play in the background...] SLAPPY: Heh...ah, the ol’ Artemis Theater...I remember bein’ upstage here years ago...it feels really good ta be playing here again...of course, at my age, it feels good to *wake up* in the morning... [The audience is silent. Crickets can be heard] PATRICK: Um...allow me, madame. *Ahem*...for the past year, we've seen certain..."elements"..."lines", if you will, repeated to death in these stories... PINKY: [From off-screen] Like that "two places at once" bit? *WAHAHAHA*! [Sound of Brain whapping him on the head] PATRICK: *Yes*, exactly... as well as its equally tiresome analogue, "right behind 'em". [Shudders] At any rate, *here* are the nominees for this category... SLAPPY: (VO) The Warners and Brainatra, for that stupid flippin' "two places at once" bit... (A clip of this gag being pulled on Axel in WA plays) PATRICK: (VO) The Warners and Craig, for "right behind 'em"... (A clip plays of the Warners sneaking up right behind Plotzie in "Package Deal") SLAPPY: (VO) Dot and Brainatra, for the line "that was pointless"... (we see a clip of Dot [from any random story] saying "that was pointless") PATRICK: (VO) All the writers, for the use of "ninja thugs"... (we see a clip from a random story of the heroes facing down ninja-thugs) SLAPPY: (VO) And finally, *all* those flippin' stupid "shadow-ensconsed villains" those writers came up with... (A montage of clips of shadow-ensconsed villains plays...) Sheesh...bunch of hacks. PATRICK: And the winner *is*... [Opens his envelope] Hmm...another *tie*! The entire writing staff for the "shadow-ensconsed villains", and Brainatra, for the "two places at once" bit! [The audience applauds, as they see the writers claim yet another award...we see Yakko and Wakko looking pleased by this, but Dot looks a bit annoyed.] CRAIG: Shadow ensconsed villains...what can I say? They're tradition! Uh...that, and I guess I'll say something about thanking mom and dad, too... BRAINATRA: [Holding the U-Haul rental recepits] Thanks again! Uh...even though it's been done a gazillion times to death, I still think that dumb gag's pretty funny...heh, heh...two places at once...say, maybe rerunning a montage of really funny moments with those gags is in order--- YAKKO: [Shoves Brainatra and the rest of the writers off the stage] Um, yeah, er, real funny but, aaaah....no time. We'll be right back, after these messages from *McDonald's™*! [The commercials begin to play, as the Warners head backstage for a 5-minute break...however, back stage, we see that Moe, with Mikey and Sheryl, is shaking hands with Karen and Kirby of TBCS fame...] MOE: Thanks, guys! This computerized pinball set's just what we need to get back at those Warners! KAREN: No problemo...uh...you *do* have the money, right? MOE: Uh...yeah...[Pauses, then nudges Mikey and Sheryl. They whip out their wallets/purse, and fork over some money to the two kids] KIRBY: Oh, *goody*! Now I can afford to buy a *medium*-sized Coke at the movies! C'mon! [The two exit...] MIKEY: I hope this plan of yours works, Moe... MOE: Don't worry...this one *can't* fail! Ha! [Backstage in the Warners’ dressing room, Yakko and Wakko are munching on buffalo wings, while Dot is applying make-up. Wakko dumps an entire bottle of hot sauce on his, eats his entire bucket whole (including the container), and does that "breathe flame" bit. He runs to a sink, and gulps down a huge amount of water. He walks back to his sibs, feeling much relieved...] Yakko: *Brudder*, what a night! Wakko: The heck of it is is that we aren't even done with this ceremony yet! Dot: Enjoy this break, guys! Moe: (V.O.) Yeah, it may be the last one you ever have! Yakko: Who said *that*?! [Suddenly, the walls to the dressing room break down, and the Warners find themselves trapped in the BCS' CGI-generated pinball machine.] Yakko: In the words of Yogi Berra...it's deja vu all over again! Wakko: Only this time, *we're* the targets! [The Warners gulp] [We hear the BCS theme in the background, mixed in with Orff's "Carmina Burana". Gigantic pinballs start whizzing across the "board". The Warners are dodging the projectiles, racing all around the pinball set at top speed. At one point, Wakko does a "Matrix" spoof, dodging a pinball by freezing himself and the pinball in still motion...we do a 180-degree rotation around the pinball and frozen Warner, and Wakko moves out of the way in time for the pinball to resume its crazed path of high-scoring destruction, with the music changing to that fast-paced jazzy chase music from A!’s "Toy Shop Terror". However, the Warners' attempts to dodge the pinballs aren't good enough...we see the Warners, backed into a corner, are staring at a gigantic pinball moving in on them...they gulp.] Yakko: Well, sibs, looks like those WB execs are gonna get what they've always wanted! This is the end! I love you guys! [Just as the ball is ready to roll them flat, it's suddenly deflected away from the sibs, and goes crashing through the "machine"'s ceiling.] Yakko: What? Who did that?! [Suddenly, 5 very familiar people step out from behind a rail bumper, holding crow bars and carrying a tool box...we see that a control panel's exposed, showing they've rewired the machine's controls.] Alex: Hey, guys! Remember us? Yakko: It's Alex! And Carrie's with him! Wakko: So are Rico, Dre and Whitey! Dot: Whitey, why is your gang affiliated with Alex and Carrie? Whitey: I'll tell ya! We've quit being gang members, and now we're employees of Alex! Alex: Indeed! Dre over there... Dre: Yo! What up? Alex: He's a gofer! Yakko: When's he gonna start dancing to Kenny Loggins' "I'm Alright"? Alex: Not a gopher...A gofer! He runs errands for production! And Rico... Rico: Hey, man, sorry about slashing your bus tires in that Christmas story... Yakko: Think nothing of it! We just want to thank you for saving us from being turned into CGI-induced roadkill... Rico: You're welcome...by the way, I'm working on composing music for Alex's first film! Carrie: As for me, I've gotten hitched to Alex, and we're expecting our first child in December! Yakko: Congratulations! Say, do you want to watch the rest of the awards? Alex: Sure! Yakko: Our break is just about over! You're all in the front row! Come on, we've got a show to put on! We'll even introduce you to the audience! [The group exits the set through the hole that the ball made. Cut to Mike, Sheryl and Moe.] Sheryl: This one can't fail, huh? Mike: What a (bleeping) joke! Moe: It *should've* worked! Lousy cruddy piece of *junk*! [Begins kicking at the machine's sides; it comes apart with one blow] Stupid piece of crud...dumb, cheaply-made-in-China thingamajig...oooh, chokin' on my own rage here. Okay, so this plan failed! I've got another one that'll knock their socks off! [Glances at the machine's ruins] Hope those kids saved their receipts on this thing... SHERYL: Say, y'all, what happened to that pinball they flung out of the"machine"? MOE: Beats me... [Zip pan to the outside of the building, where we see Karen and Kirby are trying to buy advance tickets for "Diane Russ and the Sublimes' Reunion Tour* (*- None of the original members except for Diane included)"...however, they look up, and see the giant pinball is heading towards them. Their construction paper-like eyes bulge out a bit, as the pinball lands and begins rolling after the two. The kids run down the street, with Kirby moaning "This is really *bent*"...] [Cut back to the Warners, heading back to the stage after leaving Alex, Carrie, and the gang in the audience...] WAKKO: Um...Yakko? YAKKO: Yes? WAKKO: I have one really, really, really, *reeeally* important question to ask...*PLEEEZE*?!? YAKKO: Aaaaah, OK, shoot... WAKKO: Why were we eating buffalo wings backstage? YAKKO: Because we're all sick of eating food from a certain fast-food-restaurant sponsor of ours who shall remain nameless...plus, it was sort of funny... WAKKO: *Ohhhh*... DOT: Only one guess *who* pulled that BCS pinball stunt on us, guys... WAKKO: Um...Regis Philbin? DOT: (Sighs) Never mind... [The Warners arrive on the stage] DOT: Well, we're pleased to be back, everyone! Especially after that attempt on our lives backstage... [The audience murmurs...we pan over to Axel, who says, "don't look at *me*"...] YAKKO: Anyway, let's continue...our *next* fanfic story category is: "Most Humiliating, Embarassing, Uncharacteristic, or Demeaning Moment In a Fanfic Story"... DOT: Oooh, and giving this illustrious award is: Denzel Washington! [Denzel walks onto the stage, with the music from "The Preacher's Wife" playing in the background...we see him walk up to the microphone, but is instantly startled to see that Dot's leaped into his arms...] DENZEL: Um...miss? DOT: Please say we'll be together! PLEASE?! [Pan back to Axel...] AXEL: Look at her...isn't that disgustin'? LOUD: Not as disgusting as the fact she treated *you* that way in "Warner Academy"... AXEL: Anyway, what's *he* got that I haven't got? LOUD: Let's see...uh...better looks, more popularity with women, a more pleasant personality, better acting roles, uh...did I mention more appealing to women? AXEL: Yeah, yeah, but he still isn't the *main man* here... LOUD: [Loudly] NO, BUT HE IS! [Pan over to see that Lobo (in S:TAS style) is seated in front of the two...] LOBO: [Annoyed] What's this someone's sayin' about the "main man"? AXEL: [Nervously] Uh...nothing! LOBO: Oh...what I *thought*... [Back to the stage...Dot's still going beserk...] DENZEL: OK, OK...um...what say I give you an autograph later on? [Kisses Dot on the forehead; she instantly melts into a puddle of goo...] Y&W: Eeewwww! [Dot reforms herself, and floats off-stage...Denzel looks a bit surprised by all this, but continues reading...] DENZEL: Anyway, um...the nominees *are*: DENZEL: (VO) Brain, in "Circle Closing In"... [We see Brain's wearing a ribbon around his neck in a clip from this story...Pinky and Melissa note how adorable he is...] [Cut back to the audience, where Brain looks grossly embarassed by this...] DENZEL: (VO) Yakko, for the unedited version of "Warner Academy"... [We see Yakko run over a Donald Duck-costumed guy at D*sneyw*rld, followed by riding a motorcycle onto a monorail ride...] [Cut back to see that Yakko looks grossly embarrassed, while his siblings giggle] DENZEL: (VO) Everyone, for "39 Characters" as a whole... [We see a clip play of Slappy and the gang stuffed into stasis chambers as prisoners, as well as stuffed inside of Pokemon characters...] [Cut back to see that Slappy looks rather livid at this memory, as does Brain...] DENZEL: (VO) Wakko, for the unedited version of "Package Deal"... [We see a clip play of part of Wakko's infamous "coffee spree"...] [Cut back to see Wakko's now embarrassed, with Yakko and Dot giggling...] DENZEL: (VO) And finally, Billie, for an unfinished, dead chainlink story by Dr. Belch... [We see a clip play mentioning Billie's "waitress" career and its "details", but is cut off with a "technical difficulties" banner displayed] [Cut back to the audience to see that Billie looks quite livid...] BILLIE: [Irate] That never happened to me! Dr. Belch and I are going to have a little "talk" later on about that now-no-longer-existent-story... BRAIN: I wish I could say the *same* for that Pokemon incident... DENZEL: And the winner is...[Reads the envelope] Everyone, for "39 Characters"! WAKKO: Aww...that should've been *mine*! [Pauses] Wait---what am I *SAYING*?!? [We see Slappy come out on stage to accept the award...] SLAPPY: [Annoyed] Ah, gotta agree with the decision for this award...y'know, seein' that clip again brought back a lot of memories...all *bad*. Lousy hack writers...stuffin' us in stasis cells for half the story, then stickin' us inside of a monster dog, and *then* those insipid "Pokemon" characters!! AAAAH! YAKKO: Take it easy, Slappy...uh...here, have this! [Yakko hands her a portable TV playing "World's Most Idiotic Car Explosions"] SLAPPY: Uh...[Looks at the screen] Ooooh, that SUV got what *it* deserved! Talk about "rollover"! Heh... [Walks off the stage, with the award and TV in hand...] [Cut to the backstage area, with the usual clutter of sandbags and people. DR. BELCH, who has returned to the theater, is seated by the back door, next to a pile of cheeseburger wrappers and an empty six-pack of root beer, chugging the last one and talking to SUPERMAN.] DR BELCH [pounds chest, belches]: So let me ask you, Supes--I know you're the Man of Steel and all that, and bullets don't hurt you--but what if, like, you got kicked below the old super-belt? I don't care how invulnerable you are--that'd hurt! Am I right? SUPERMAN [uncomfortably]: Um--say, was that Lois calling me to--uh--adjust her corsage? Ye--eah. Pardon me. [exeunts] [DR. BELCH snorts with irritation.] SAMMY MELMAN [comes up and smacks DR. BELCH on the back]: Hey, Belchmeister! We missed you when they called the "Epiphany" award! Where's that little dreamsicle Courtney, eh? DR. BELCH: Ditched her at Howard Stern's show. What a twit. Whiny, insecure, jealous, prima donna type. Reminds me too much of my ex. SAMMY MELMAN: I hear you, man. I have a wife and two mistresses myself. [laughs] Say, let me introduce you to a couple of hotties. Meet the Maid of Orleans and The Little Emperor's main squeeze. [enter JOAN OF ARC and EMPRESS JOSEPHINE.] DR. BELCH: Hellooooooo, French nurses! [JOAN and JOSEPHINE giggle.] Joan--you look hot. JOAN: Chaa! That's just what the English said when they lit the kindling at my feet. [Cue rimshot noise] DR. BELCH: And I love your perfume. [sniff sniff] Eau de Flambeau, perhaps? [JOAN and JOSEPHINE giggle again] JOSEPHINE: Hey, what about me? This is my best dress. [does a three-sixty turn and poses coquettishly] I soak myself down with water constantly to make it hug my figure real tight. Nappy says I'll die of pneumonia if I keep wearing wet clothes. [looks pensive] Actually, he's right. That *is* what killed me. [Text on screen: "Pointless historical trivia moment!" ] DR. BELCH: You look spiffy, Jo. Tell you what--you and Joanie come by my place tonight about seven. Sigmund Freud and D.H. Lawrence and I are going to discuss my theory on Lady Chatterly's complex. Ziggy might make it a chapter in his new book. JOAN: Mon dieu! Sounds like a rave idea! Chaa! Wouldn't miss it! JOSEPHINE: Like Nappy always says, "Wouldn't miss it for the world". I'm coming to your shindig too! DR. BELCH: Crackerjack. SAMMY: Better find your seat, Belcherino. Dottie's announcing the next award. DR. BELCH: You're right. I asked Nostradamus to hold my chair over an hour ago. [stands up; stomach gurgles] Whoops. First things first. Where's the can? SAMMY: Lobby. Next to the popcorn machine, just past the storeroom where they keep the combustible cleaning fluids, ropes for making fuses, and the extra gunpowder we use in Histeria's war re-enactments. [A beady-eyed shadow is listening from nearby. It's MOE SYZSLAK, grinning broadly and exposing a mouthful of rotten yellow teeth.] DR. BELCH: Gracias. Adios. [exeunts.] [We cut to Moe and his stalwart assistants; Moe’s telling them about the explosives stash he’s found.] MOE: OK, now listen, guys. I've got the bombs here... [Romey walks by, on his way to the exit.] ROMEY: We don't need 'em...we've got enough bombs in the fanfic continuum as it is... [He storms out, muttering something about having better things to do than watch all the writers being lauded for the exact things he dislikes most in the stories... Moe shrugs.] MOE: Anyhow...now, here's my brilliant plan...I want you two to go on up to that stage, and rig it with explosives. MIKEY: Eeerrrr...that's the "brilliant plan"? MOE: Hey, hey, smart guy! You got any better idea what we're gonna do with two tons of explosives?! [Mikey & Sheryl shrug at each other, and start picking up the bombs.] [Cutting back to the stage once more...] Yakko: We have another special award on tap. Wakko: Although the great majority of the fanfics on The Story Board have consisted of our adventures post-being-kicked-off-the-WB-lineup, we had a great contribution based on another WB animated series... Yakko: "Waynehead"? Dot: (Flatly) Ha-Ha! Wakko: I'm talking about the show that was our stylistic forebear... Dot: Shows featuring &quo |