By: Brainatra, Romey,
Craig, and Capt. Caps
[Open on ACME Labs. Pinky & Billie are sitting in front of the TV, watching some
miscellaneous nature program on PBS. The show is being narrated by Tress MacNeille, as
she's done for several such documentaries in the past. The tone she's using is similar to
Billie's "breath-controlled" voice.]
NARRATOR: And thus, in an unexpected fit of savagery, the female mouse fights off the
predators. Though injured, she shows amazing perseverance. The tables turned, the
attacking rats run off to antagonize easier prey...
PINKY: (Covering his eyes) Is it over yet, Billie? Is she going to live?
BILLIE: Yeah, you can look now, Pinks! Those rats will think twice before messing with
*that* mouse again!
PINKY: Phew... what-a-relief! I didn't think she'd make it. Y'know, I thought this was
gonna be a peaceful show with pretty blue water and lots of fish and dolphins and...
BILLIE: Well, some documentaries show the grittier side of life in the wild, I guess...
NARRATOR: Her wounds being healed, she is now free to pass on her exemplary genetic
advantages to her offspring. Having found a suitable mate...
[The TV clicks off]
BRAIN: (Standing to the side of the TV near the "Off" button) Eh-hem...?
BILLIE: (Nervous) Oh, hiya, Egghead! Heh, heh... just watching a, uhh...
"nature" program! And you did say you'd rather have Pinky watching something
more educational than "The Water Boy" for the 30th time... (She grins widely)
BRAIN: Yes, so I recall... [Brain turns around to walk away when a vague idea crosses
his mind] Hmm... Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: I think so, Brain... but what *do* nature shows and Adam Sandler have in common?
BILLIE: Pointless violence? ...and frequent uncivilized behavior?
BRAIN: He wasn't asking *your* opinion...
BILLIE: (Crosses her arms) Hmph...
BRAIN: And yet, with frequent cursing, vulgar behavior, toilet humor, and shots of
Henry Winkler's derriere, he's come closer to taking over the world than I ever have...
perhaps I should rethink my current career choice...
[As Brain begins to ponder, the room does that blurry/wavey flashback thing. As it
clears, we see him in a scene from Brain's Bogie where he's dressed as Cher. However, this
is a part we didn't see in the episode. He's standing next to a certain Mr. Francis
FRANCIS: ...but everyone calls me Pip. Anyway, this golf course reminds me of the last
time I went golfing. There I met this fascinating persona by the name of Happy Gilmore. He
was odd. Very odd. What struck my attention was when he met up with an old acquaintance of
mine, Bob Barker.
BRAIN: You don't say?
FRANCIS: Yes, indeed. Bob Barker. Star of the most popular morning game show. He's an
emcee, a host, and a celebrity all rolled into one. Anyway, eight months ago...
[The flashback ends. We see Brain looking very annoyed by the memory]
BRAIN: On second thought, forget what I said about the career change... But I do have
an idea vaguely related to that pointless flashback! Pinky, are you pondering what I'm
BILLIE: (Thinking) Didn't he just ask that...?
PINKY: I think so, Brain, but I thought "Bowfinger" was a funny film...
BRAIN: One of that expletive-abusing Mr. Foley's better recent performances indeed,
Pinky... but that's not what I was thinking! Now I suggest you keep your mouth shut before
I'm forced to encase your head in a nutshell again.
[Ten minutes later...]
BRAIN: Don't say I didn't give you fair warning...
PINKY: Actually, this nutshell is quite comfortable, NARF!
BILLIE: (Trying to put her own head in a nutshell) Hey, mine won't stay shut!
BRAIN: There, while you two were happily engrossed in your...
PINKY: Nutty distractions?
[Naturally, Billie finds herself giggling at Pinky's remark...]
BRAIN: *Sigh* ...as I was saying. While you two were goofing off as usual, I've molded
my idea into tonight's plan! (He pulls out a diagram) As described here, we shall create a
film that incorporates so many modern, low-brow cinematic cliches that the public will
flock to see this movie en masse! With the populace so easily swooning at the feet of such
low-brow comedic stars as Sandler and those "South Park" brats, we shall soon
rise to power! We'll call our film...
BILLIE: (Leers at Pinky) A remake of "You've Got Mail" starring Pinky and I?
BRAIN: *Nooooo* ..."Lethal Intellect"! An action/comedic film filled with
enough low-brow toilet jokes, mindless explosions, and forced corporate product placements
that the public shall eat it up like a drive-through fast food meal!
PINKY: Will there be "Lethal Intellect" product tie-ins with those meals,
BRAIN: *Yeeeees*! Now come...our time grows short!
PINKY: And so are... (Brain clasps Pinky's mouth shut)
BRAIN: Don't utter that lame "so are we" joke again, Pinky...
PINKY: (Through clasped mouth) Sowwy, Bwain...
[Cut to the three mice walking down the street. Brain, holding a map, is in the lead.
Pinky and Billie trail behind]
PINKY: (Tired) *Gasp* ...tell me again what we're looking for, Brain?
BRAIN: Sucker Bros. Studios, Pinky. Producers of some of the most inane drivel ever to
reach the silver screen. If anyone will finance our film, they will.
BILLIE: (A bit annoyed) And where exactly is this place?
BRAIN: Hmm... According to this map, it should be right here, but all there seems to be
is a little photo booth. Perhaps they'll be able to help... (Knocks on the door)
[A tall, lanky man answers. He's wearing a cheap Hawaiian shirt, a dirty baseball cap,
and has an unkempt beard. Altogether, he resembles a poor excuse for a Steven Spielburg
type of character]
BRAIN: Excuse me, I'm looking for Sucker Bros. Productions?
MAN: Well, you've found it! Greetings, sir! I'm Dan Sucker, at your service.
BRAIN: You mean... this is your entire studio?
SUCKER: Well, we'll be expanding into the parking lot out back once all the paperwork
goes through... so, what can I do ya for?
BRAIN: My... colleagues and I are looking for a studio to finance our low-brow
SUCKER: Then you've come to the right place! So, what are you guys? Fledgling writers,
BRAIN: Actually, we're three laboratory mice currently engaged in a quest to utilize
the film industry in tonight's plan for global domination!
SUCKER: Heh... that's pretty funny. But don't to put any smart lines like that in the
film. What would people think if we actually made an *intelligent* film? Now what did you
have in mind?
BRAIN: It's entitled "Lethal Intellect", and Pinky plays a
mentally-challenged law-enforcement officer. There will be many, err... hilarious jokes
involving him yelling obscenities at passers-by and hitting old ladies with clubs. Billie
will play the ample-bodied and scantily-clad love interest, who sees through our hero's
exterior to his true heart of gold. The final climatic scene will have exactly 438 car
SUCKER: Oooh, wow! That's even more car explosions than they had in that FOX special
last week! OK, I'm sold!
BRAIN: (Whispers to Billie) After that description, I'm beginning to have second
thoughts about this... I've sunk to an all-time low.
BILLIE: We can always revise it later. All I can say is, I think my character needs a
BRAIN: I know, I'm sorry about that... I'm trying to write this from the mentality of
the average unsophisticated American male age 18 to 34, and believe me, it's not easy...
SUCKER: (Hands Brain the check) Here's the check. We'll start preproduction next week.
BRAIN: (Looking at it) What?! Two hundred dollars?! That's our studio budget?!
SUCKER: Sorry, it's all we've got available right now. Don't worry, you can reuse our
sets and costumes leftover from "Bisquetball" and "High School Low".
BRAIN: Wonderful. Well, come, let's return to the lab, and begin writing our script.
BILLIE: Why do I have the feeling that this isn't one of your better plans, Egghead?
BRAIN: Oh, it is! In fact, it may well be my best one ever! However, it unfortunately
involves lowering ourselves to the level of what is perhaps the lowest life form on the
PINKY: You mean...?
BRAIN: YES! Studio executives. For some reason, I think I'm going to hate myself in the
[Back at the Lab...]
BILLIE: Umm, Eggy? Not to doubt our acting abilities in a film that makes those
"Pokemon" movies look... watchable ...but, do we have to do *all* the acting
BRAIN: We don't have a choice; this budget from the studio is, as you can tell, not
nearly sufficient! Perhaps if I were to find more actors for this picture, they'd be
willing to fund our little venture at a point beyond such "Blair Witch Project"
levels of production *and* add much-needed star appeal!
PINKY: Egad, brilliant, Brain! And while you're doing that, I'll be sitting here,
eating dryer lint! *NARF*!
BILLIE: Oooh, lint!
[A little while later...]
BRAIN: Now, you have your instructions. The two of you shall write the script, while I
shall attempt to recruit actors for this crude cinematic caper! (Walks over to the
modified mouse-sized phone as seen in "Fly") Remember, be sure to throw in as
many cliched action and low-brow comedic movie elements as you can. This must appeal to
someone who's IQ level is three points away from being a doorstop!
PINKY: Really? Hmm... dunno if I can do *that*...
BRAIN: Trust me, Pinky... I believe you will *more* than succeed at this task...
BILLIE: Well, *I* think so... (Grins at Pinky; Brain rolls his eyes)
BRAIN: Very well... to work!
[Fade to much later in the evening. We see a fairly tired-looking Brain slumped by the
phone. Over at the computer, Billie is typing away at a mouse-sized keyboard attached to
the human-sized keyboard as seen in "The Real Life"... Sounds of occasional
laughter from Pinky can be heard. Brain, looking tired, walks over to the other two mice.]
BRAIN: Well, how's the script coming along?
PINKY: All done, Brain! (The printer spits out several pages on top of a pile of
already-printed pages, then stops)
BRAIN: Good... You did remember to throw in gratuitous explosions, yes?
BILLIE: Of course...
BRAIN: Perfect! (Reads through script; pauses) Wait a minute... what is *this*?!
BILLIE: Well... I kind of wanted a subplot that *wasn't* tacked on, so I
BRAIN: "Subplot: A female research scientist is busy using her intellect to solve
the film's main threat while carrying on an intelligent relationship with one of the
BILLIE: Well, I wanted the female character in this film to actually *do* something
intelligent, rather than be used as window dressing like so many other action films...
BRAIN: I'd agree, but the whole point of this is to attract as many brain-deadened
masses as possible in a celluloid plot that *doesn't* involve thinking! But I suppose
there's no time to edit this subplot out now...
PINKY: How'd the calling for actors come along, Brain? POIT!
BRAIN: Oh, that? Well, err... I did manage to snag *one* actor for this deal...
BILLIE: (Guessing whom Brain's referring to) Ugh... not *him*...?
BRAIN: Afraid so. He was the only one who'd agree to do this. Mr. Gibson said he's busy
trying to find another medieval British Isles-related script to perform, and Danny
Glover's busy doing cameos at this time!
PINKY: So, you got...?
BRAIN: (Buries face in hands) Axel Foley...
BILLIE: (Flatly) Natch...
BRAIN: His experience in that explitive-filled "Beverly Hills Cop" film
trilogy of his should aid us in producing this thing and appealing to the lowest common
denominator...unless you want to try hiring a few actors *yourselves* ...we still need a
few more characters!
BILLIE: Don't worry, Eggy... *I'll* find us a few more actors! Leave it to me! (Walks
over to the phone)
BRAIN: Just who are you calling?
BILLIE: Shhh! ...Hello? Is this the "Desperate Celebrity Hotline"? Yes, I'm
looking for a handful of people with a lot of time on their hands, who are desperate ta
get back into the international limelight. Aha... that's right. Just send them to ACME
Labs, New York, New York, care of Mr. The Brain... Ok, thanks! Bye!
BRAIN: (Skeptical) That was it?
BILLIE: Yeah! They'll be here tomorrow morning!
BRAIN: You just call that number and they send a bunch of actors right to your doorstep
overnight? Are you sure this is even a legitimate business? How much is this going to cost
BILLIE: Don't sweat it, Eggy! It's a nonprofit organization dedicated ta helping actors
relaunch their careers! It's totally free of charge! They come here to audition for us,
and we pick who we want. Simple as that.
BRAIN: Hmm... very well then. We'll just have to hope Axel Foleys
"persona" doesn't scare them off first, however...
PINKY: So umm... what are we gonna do tonight? We have a studio, the script's finished,
and the actors are on their way... what else is there?
BILLIE: Well, *I'm* gonna try getting a full night's sleep for once! You comin' Pinks?
PINKY: (Yawning) I suppose... how 'bout you Brain?
BRAIN: Yes, perhaps a night of rest is in order. There's nothing else we can do until
morning. We just need to be sure we're up before the actors arrive...
[Early the next morning, a small crowd has gathered around the door to ACME Labs.
Everyone seems to be mumbling about being stood up. From behind, a certain familiar police
officer walks up...]
AXEL: (Uttering that usual staccato laugh) Heh heh heh... looks like we're in need of
some (bleep)in' crowd control, here! Break it up, folks... let da man through! (He jiggles
the door knob) How long 'ave you all been waiting around here?
CROWD: Two hours!
AXEL: Since 6:00am? Ya know loitering's an offence in this part of town? [He turns back
to the door and starts kicking on it] Hey! You with the big head on your shoulders! I
don't know what all these (bleeps) are doin' out here, but you said you wanted me to be in
some movie of yours?
[Cut to inside the Lab. Within the cage, Pinky and Billie are sleeping peacefully among
the woodchips; Brain is sleeping as well in the sardine can. Being near the back of the
building, the sound of Axel banging the door is barely audible. Pinky begins to stir.]
PINKY: (Nudging Billie) Do you hear that?
BILLIE: (Rolling over) *Sigh* ...hear what?
PINKY: Don't know...
BILLIE: Probably just my empty stomach. That lint isn't very filling...
PINKY: Oh, OK... *POIT*...
[They both settle back into the woodchips and fall asleep. Meanwhile, Axel Foley,
followed by an irate crowd, circles the Lab to a window behind the cage.]
AXEL: Hey! Get the (bleep) out of bed already, before I have to take these (bleep)in'
people into custody for disturbing the (bleep)in' peace! You get what I'm (bleep)in'
BRAIN: (Awakes with a start) What? Who? (Looks at the clock) 8:00am already?
AXEL: Are you (bleep)in' out of bed yet?
BRAIN: Yes, already... (Brain drags himself out of the cage, grabs a key, and throws it
out the window) Let yourselves into the lobby, we'll be there shortly...
PINKY: [Sitting up, still half-asleep] And so are we, or something...narf, poit...
[Foley and the various impatient celebrities are gathered in the lobby. The doors to
the laboratory swing open as the mice walk out. The three are dressed in business suits,
looking very executive like. Fading to a few moments later, we see Brain and Billie are
seated at two separate mouse-sized desks, which both sit on top of a human-sized one.]
BRAIN: Ms. Billie, send in the first applicant for the part of our hero!
BILLIE: Can do, Eggy! Mr. Shatner, you're first!
WILLIAM S.: Thank you...ma'am. [Heads into the mice's office.]
BRAIN: Er...greetings, Mr....Shatner.
WILLIAM S.: Hello, my...little friend, my...small friend.
BRAIN: I trust you got the copy?
WILLIAM S.: Yes.
BRAIN: Then please begin.
WILLIAM S.: Actually, this...script...seems to be nothing more than mindless...garbage.
As you ...may know, I...am something of a writer. I have...taken it upon myself...to do a
rewrite...which is much more original...creative...showcases my...talent. It also involves
a...showstopping song number. Maestro...if you please. [Cues Pinky, in the corner of the
room, who begins playing a record with gentle, soothing B.G. music.] [Singing] HEY...Mr.
BRAIN: Enough! ENOUGH!
WILLIAM S.: But you...haven't heard my dramatic interpretation of... "Lucy in the
BRAIN: Out, out, out!
WILLIAM S.: OK...I'll go somewhere where my talent is appreciated...a Trekkie
[Enter Adam West...]
ADAM W.: Hello, you small odd-looking little man. You probably recognize me from TV.
Yes, *I* am Batman! Please, no autographs. I know this must be overwhelming for you...
BRAIN: No, not particularly.
ADAM W.: But, say, you know what this film needs? Some good old-fashioned campy fun! I
imagine a scene in which I, the hero, cape flailing, sail down into the midst of the
villains, and say, The gig's up! Now I'm gonna put you all on ice! At which point I'll
pull out of my utility belt my Ice Cream Scooper, which I will proceed to use to
shoot chocolate mocha-cappuccino triple-fudge at baddies. Once they're all eliminated, the
Commissioner will arrive, and I'll say, "Now to put these crooks where they belong:
in the coo"
BRAIN: I've heard enough.
ADAM W.: But
BRAIN: Don't call us; we'll call you.
ADAM W.: [Walking dejectedly out of the office] But...I'm Batman...
BRAIN: [A bit irked] Billie, send in the next guy; and he'd better be good.
[Enter Bob Hope...]
BOB H.: Hey, I gotta tell ya, I been readin' this script, and this is some wild stuff
ya got here, huh? Hey, isn't this wonderful? But there should be golf. Lots of golf. And
how 'bout Brooke Shields for the lead, eh? Rrrowrrr!
BRAIN: [Sounding exasperated] THAT'S IT!!!! This is the best we could get?! Who're you
gonna tell me is next, Jaleel White?!
BILLIE: Er, actually...
[Suddenly, Yerkel himself enters the room...]
YERKEL: Wakka wakka doo!
BRAIN: YAAAARRGGGGHHHHHH!!! Let me see that list! [Stomps into the lobby and grabs the
list of actors off Billie's desk]
BRAIN: [Reading] Burt Reynolds, Mickey Rooney...GEORGE WENDT?! Grrr...there must be
someone here who can play the part... [Sees something on list that catches his interest]
Hm...yes...YES! He's PERFECT! Billie, send in *this* candidate!
[Billie does so, and we see entering the room none other than...Arnold Schwartzenegger.
Pinky, Billie, and (standing nearby) Axel gasp.]
ARNOLD: Hello, small mousie people...I'm here to audition for the part of da hero!
BRAIN: No need, my statuesque friend! You're *hired*! Axel, please dismiss the
AXEL: Sure thing, Brain...[walks out to the last remaining candidate] Sorry, but we've
just hired an actor...you'll have to go someplace else!
[Pan over to see the last candidate's Patrick Stewart.]
STEWART: Drats....well, at least I have that Royal Shakespearean Company production of
Merchant of Venice to fall back on...
[Fade to awhile later...we see Axel, Arnold, and the mice standing near a phone book]
PINKY: What now, Brain?
BRAIN: Now, we arrange to have various companies endorse products for our film!
ARNOLD: How about da Gold Gym Club logo on da hero's coffee mugs?
AXEL: Hmmm...well, there's always (bleep)in' McDonald's...they'll sponsor
*anything*! And you did say ya wanted some fast food meal tie-ins for this thing...
PINKY: Um....I know! Special edition "Entertainment Weekly" magazines with
different covers! And comic book adaptions! Oooh, maybe we could get that Paul Dini person
to draw them! POIT!
BILLIE: Well...I was thinking maybe a line of science kits based on the female
scientist character's research facility and tools...
BRAIN: Perfect! We'll use *all* those suggestions! While I make the appropriate calls,
you will all set up to begin filming!
AXEL: Um, but you told me that the film studio you guys are using doesn't even have a
(bleep)in' *soundstage* or anything! What are we supposed to do?
BRAIN: Hmmm...I suppose we'll have to film it on location at various places! We'll use
the Lab for the female scientist's scenes, and other locations around the country to film
aspects of this film! The locals at these locations also would serve nicely as extras for
the film...Mr. Foley, could you arrange for appropriate transportation for this?
AXEL: [Sighs] Guess so....if I'm gonna be (bleep)in' helping to *pay* for all this...
BRAIN: Good....now, any suggestions for who to hire as the film's soundtrack artists?
PINKY: Uh...Wayne Newton? *POIT*!
BRAIN: *No*, Pinky! We need bands that will appeal to this films targeted,
youthful demographic! Let's see, if the 70's nostalgia fad is starting to wane, then the
next big thing would be...
AXEL: Puff Daddy?
BRAIN: (Annoyed by this suggestion) I was going to say *80s* nostalgia. No, Mr.
Foley, for this idea, Im afraid well be needing actual 80's music, and not
Puff Daddys, er, "heavy borrowing" of said music!
AXEL: I love Puff Daddy! He takes old (bleep) music, and makes it great!
BRAIN: (Sighs) All right, we'll use Puff Daddy's plagiarized music, if only to draw in
BILLIE: (Flatly) Goody...
[Cut to the skyscraper home of corporate music label Bad Boy Entertainment, where we
see Pinky, the Brain, Billie, Axel and Arnold walk into the offices of Sean "Puff
PUFF DADDY: [Speaking into a phone] Okay! Call all my homeboys out, we're going to do a
posse cut! Man, no one will care that I'm ripping off Soft Cell's song "Tainted
BRAIN: Excuse me, may I come in?
PUFF DADDY: [Into the phone] Uh...look, I'll call you back, OK? All right then, I'm
out! [Hanging up the phone, he looks for the source of Brain's voice, but from his
perspective, only sees Arnold and Axel standing in front of him.] Where are you?
BRAIN: Down here, my...uh, homey! My name is The Brain! We're making a movie, and we
need lots of your songs! Although you plagiarize everyone, they all love you, for reasons
beyond comprehension...anyway, we need a score!
PUFF DADDY: [Bending over his desk to see the lab mice] Okay! Give me a list of 80's
artists, and I'll rip their (bleep) off! You'll have yourself a soundtrack!
BRAIN: Thanks! [Annoyed tone] Oh, by the way, please don't use the N-word! It's
offensive to me and it should be offensive to you!
PUFF DADDY: I'll use whatever (bleep)ing language I please!
AXEL: Puffy, you're my soul brother! Put 'er there, you crazy n(bleep)!
BRAIN: [Making a face] Ugh! I'm going to get lunch! Join me later, Axel! Come, Pinky!
You too, Billie and Arnold!
BILLIE: [Making a face at the epithet-usage] *Gladly*... [The mice and Arnold leave.]
[Fade to the "Lethal Intellect" crew setting up to film part of the film, on
a busy streetcorner in Manhattan...we see several guys setting up one of the cameras;
these crewmembers look like they actually know what they're doing...cut to the rest of the
BRAIN: Billie? Where did you get these men from? That same temporary service?
BILLIE: No, met them at the Sundance film festival...they're real independent film
cinematic experts, and were loads of fun to hang around with! [Grins] Remember, Pinky?
Wasn't it fun?
PINKY: Ooh, yes! I especially enjoyed that "The Daily Life of a Best Boy"
docudrama that filmmaker from the Netherlands made! *HAHAHA*!
BRAIN: When were you at the Sundance film...oh, never *mind*... [To the actors] You all
know your parts for this scene?
BRAIN: Good....now, Axel, I need for you to run across this busy intersection for this
film's initial action sequence, which involves...[Flips through mouse-sized copy of the
script] Hero #1 chasing one of the villain's henchmen through a busy intersection in order
to retrieve a Key Clue for thwarting the Evil Villain's Scheme... Got that?
AXEL: [Looks at intersection, with typical New York denizens' usual driving skills
being demonstrated] Hey! Why should I risk my neck for this bit? I figured running across
that intersection in "Bowfinger" was bad enough, but thisthis
iswell, (bleep)in' *New York*!!!
BILLIE: I gotta agree with him there, Eggy...shouldn't we hire a stunt guy?
BRAIN: Hmmm...[Looks over at Puff Daddy, who's surrounded by a fair-sized entourage;
he's talking into a cell phone] Mr., um...Combs, is it?
PUFF: [To phone] Yeah, that's right....I need rights to every song in VH-1's inventory
that was made between the late 1970's and late 1980's...for, er....creative
reasons...gotta go, 'bye...[hangs up, to Brain] Yeah?
BRAIN: Mr. Combs, as part of your soundtrack deal, I'd like to give you the chance to
make a few...cameos in this film, as well.
BRAIN: [Sounding sincere] *Y-e-e-e-s*! I'd like *you* to merely run across this
intersection, as a, er....double for Mr. Foley's character. We need someone who can look,
er, heroic for this scene, and...
PUFF: Say no more, Mr. Brain! [To Axel] Ha! And you call yourself an actor...step
aside, Foley! [Walks over to corner] Ready for my closeup!
BRAIN: Very well....[To crew] Ready?
CREWMEMBER 1: Yes, Mr. Brain...do you wish to use a standard shot for this scene or
something similar to the opening stylings of the great Orson Welles?
BRAIN: [Thinking] Welles, you say? Hmmm...[Odd look crosses his face] for some reason,
I like the sound of that...very well, let's use that style, then! Ready? Camera....action!
AXEL: I've gotta get over to where that nasty villain is standin' with the key I need
to help save the world! [Pan over across the street to see CREWMEMBER #2 is standing
there; he's wearing an all-black outfit similar to a catburglar's costume]
BRAIN: [Whispering] That's your cue, Mr. Combs....*go*!
[Brain cues for a pause, as Axel walks out of the shot, and Puff Daddy walks in...he's
now wearing a Detroit Lions jacket, jeans, and sneakers, similar to Axel's usual wardrobe]
BRAIN: [Whispering] *Now*, Mr. Combs! [To Crewmember #1] *ACTION*!
[Puff Daddy takes a casual look both ways, and hurriedly begins running across the
street...however, this being New York, traffic isn't overly forgiving....we hear, from
off-camera, the sound of screeching cars and brakes being slammed, followed by some crash
noises and horns honking...having made it to the other side, we see Puff crawl to the
curb, with his clothes tattered...he quickly passes out...]
BRAIN: *CUT*! [Walks across the now-safe-to-cross street to where Puff Daddy's form is
lying against the curb...] Nice job, Mr. Daddy!
PUFF: [Barely conscious] R-Really? I thought I'd do somethin' *original* fer once like
that "Cat and Bunny...Little Lady...Clint Eastwood...Big Ol' Western
BRAIN: Um, yes....very well, let's begin setting up for our *next* scene...
[While the crew sets up for the next scene, Pinky, Brain, and Billie are busy debating
over just where to go from here.]
BRAIN: So we're short one musical "artist"... if you'll excuse my loose usage
of the term. Thankfully, he doesn't plan to sue, since he feels that brief cameo might be
just what he needs to break into new fields...
PINKY: All full of flowers and butterflies? POIT!
BRAIN: Nooooo... He wants to try starring in action-thriller remakes of classic
musicals, and market them as his own.
BILLIE: (Rolls her eyes) Eeeh-yeah, sure...
BRAIN: Anyways, by the time Mr. Combs recovers, he'll only have time to record one or
two tracks of our soundtrack. We'll need to find some alternate sources of musical talent
to make up for it.
PINKY: Ooh, Billie! What about those young musicians we were hanging out with at that
film festival? What were they called...?
BILLIE: Yeah, the uhh... "Voo Doo Dolls", I believe. They're actually more
original than their name would imply. (Suddenly starry-eyed) *Sigh* ...remember that
ballad they performed for us, Pinks? Hmm...
BRAIN: Billie, snap out of it! How likely are they to join us, and how cheap will they
BILLIE: I think they'd jump at the chance ta have this kinda nation-wide audience, even
if it's on a lower budget than any independent film ever made... they might even do it for
[Axel walks up.]
AXEL: Hey! We're all set up for the next (bleep)in' scene, already! Are you gonna haul
yer (bleeps) over here or what?
BRAIN: Yes, we'll be there shortly!
PINKY: And so are... (Brain bops him) ...and so are... (Gets bopped again) ...we!
BILLIE: Pinks? Speak to me!
PINKY: (Dizzy) Naaaaarf... Oh, Billie! You should see all the sparkly stars flying all
BILLIE: Really? [She falls next to Pinky and hits her head on the cement with another
[Brain moans at this]
BRAIN: Then again, we may be longer than I thought...anyway, we still need a female
lead actress to play the role of the intelligent woman scientist/romantic interest! Did
you manage to recruit someone for this part?
BILLIE: [Getting off of the ground; shakes her head] Um, yeah, Eggy...
BRAIN: [Raising an eyebrow] From that same temporary service?
PINKY: [Also getting up] Oh, yes she did, Brain! *TROZ*!
BRAIN: Whom may I ask is?
VOICE: [From off-screen] Excuse me, is this where they're filming "Lethal
[The mice turn around, and see standing behind them is none other than Halle Berry]
HALLE: Um, are you the director, Mr....
BRAIN: Brain, at your service, madame. But why is a talented actress like yourself
doing being sent to us via the same temporary agency that sent us...well, *him*? [Jerks
thumb over to Arnold, who's busy signing autographs for the crew]
HALLE: Apparently, the agency still had my name on the list from when I registered with
them after starring in that dreadful Flintstones movie awhile back...and I figured I could
use the work instead of relying on royalty checks from that "X-Men" film...
AXEL: [Walks up] Did someone mention that piece of (bleep) "Flintstones"
movi[Sees Halle] Why, *hello*, there, lady! Axel Foley, at your service! How nice to
see you want to work with me on another film after we did "Boomerang"! [Kisses
her hand; Brain rolls his eyes]
HALLE: [Rolls her eyes a bit as well, fakes surprise] Axel! What a...surprise. I
didnt know you were in this film, too... [Grits her teeth in a forced smile]
AXEL: [Sounding excited] Yeah, I am! This thing's the bombit's gonna have a
438-car-explosion finale, cyborg bad guys, Puff Daddy doin' the soundtrack, and enough
bathroom jokes to set those MPAA (bleep)ers on their heels! Whaddya think, Miss
HALLE: [Hesitant] Um...yyyyeah.
BRAIN: Anyway, Ms. Berry, would you mind preparing for the next scene at the lab? We'd
like to stay on schedule....
HALLE: Sure thing, Mr. Brain...I'll be in my trailer, making, er, preparations.
[Glances at Axel, raising an eyebrow, then exits]
AXEL: By the way, Pinky, Billie and I managed to get some of those (bleep)in'
endorsements you wanted!...hope you don't mind having 'em heavily advertised during
(bleep)in' professional wrestling...even *I* would've tried for somethin' better like
Monday night football or somethin'...
BRAIN: No, I don't; in fact, that'd be the perfect spot! The huge numbers of low-brow
viewers that those staged acrobats attract will be the perfect venue for advertising this
film! Now, did you arrange the promos at McDonald's?
PINKY: Yes, we did, Brain! Ta-dah! [holds up poster, which reads: "Lethal
Intellect" toys now available at McDonald's! Collect all 57 models! More
addictive than Beanie Babies *and* Pokemon combined!]
BRAIN: Good....now, then, let's begin filming the next scene, while we wait for the Voo
Doo Dolls to show up, hopefully shortly!
PINKY: Righty-o, Brain! [A quick beat] ....and so are *we*! *WAHAHAHA*!!
[Brain stares at Pinky oddly, then shakes his head and sighs...all walk off...]
[Cut to the mice and the Hollywood talent, preparing to film the next scene.]
BRAIN: Alright, now, Mr. Schwarzeneggerin this scene, you and Mr. Foley have just
finished a delicious meal at McDonald's.
PINKY: Ooo, nice product placement, Brain! Classy! *NARF*!
BRAIN: Yes! Now as you'll recall, after your meal, Mr. Foley had to use
the...er...facilities...resulting in a series of tasteless toilet jokes. Now, as we begin
the next scene, you have exited the McDonald's, and you are both now chasing after
the villain in an explosive car chase.
ARNOLD: What is my motivation, little mousie man?
BRAIN: Your motivation is that you, uh...like explosions and want to make all the
ARNOLD: Oh. OK.
[The car with the duo swerves along Brooklyn Bridge, causing several others to quickly
spin away and explode, overturn, go flying off the bridge, etc.]
AXEL: HA! That oughta show those (bleep)in' (bleep)s!
ARNOLD: Yah, da little sissy girls who learned to drive in the little girly DMV, with
the little doilies and such...well this is the *REAL* road, where mens are mens and mices
BRAIN: Er...who wrote *that* line?!
[The two in the car suddenly zoom up to a huge brick wall. Suddenly, just before they
hit it, Brain yells, CUT!, and they stop in mid-air inches away from the wall.]
ARNOLD: [Jumping out of the car.] Wouldn't you know it...out of gas!
AXEL: Looks like it (bleep)in' stalled!
BRAIN: STUNT DOUBLES!!!
[Enter two not-too-bright looking guys dressed and made up to look like the stars of
GUY # 1: Duh, what's our job again?
BRAIN: Never mind. Just climb into the car.
BILLIE: [Whispered] Brain, how did you afford stunt doubles?
BRAIN: [Whispering back] I didn't. These are a pair of network executives that I found
in the lab. Apparently, they've been studying them. They're trying to figure out how
someone can survive with no brain, heart, or backbone.
GUY # 2: Ready!
[The car immediately smashes into the wall.]
BRAIN: Excellent! Who needs crash dummies? Now, Mr. Schwarzenegger and Mr. Foley, the
next scene involves yet another gratuitous celebrity cameo...
[Fade to a scene inside ACME Labs, with the camera crew setting up to begin filming the
next scene...all of the cast members except Axel are present. The mice, especially Brain,
look somewhat bored. We also see, sitting in a nearby wheelchair, Mr. Puff Daddy Combs,
heavily bandaged, yet still able to fiddle with some audio equipment...we see "Best
Hits of the 70s & 80's" and "VH-1's Big '80's Hits" albums lying
BRAIN: It's been an hour...*where* is Miss Berry?!
PINKY: Um...maybe the Simpsons writers signed her away to fill this season's celebrity
cameo quota? Though I don't know *how* they could top those *terrific* Gary Coleman,
Britney Spears, and Kid Rock cameos, *POIT*! [Brain rolls his eyes and gags]
BILLIE: Gee, I dunno, Eggy; last I saw her, she said she had to scan over the script
before beginning this scene...
[Axel enters, looking somewhat annoyed]
PINKY: Hello, there, Mr. Potty Mouth! *NARF*! [Sees his annoyance] ...um, is something
AXEL: You (bleep)in' bet there is! Halle left this in her trailer! [Hands a piece of
paper to Brain, who reads it]
BRAIN: [Reading] Dear Crew, I've just looked over the so-called "script" for
this film, and while I've starred in some klunkers and less-than-high-brow efforts in my
day, this film looks worse than that wig the "X-Men" costumers gave me! Plus,
after "Boomerang", I'm not sure I'm ready to do *another* romantic subplot with
Mr. Foley anytime soon...*very* soon...hence, I won't be able to star in this film.
However, I have taken the liberty of calling the Desperate Actors temp agency to find a
replacement for me. Good luck...you'll need it! Sincerely, Ms. Halle Berry...
AXEL: (Pouts) Hmph! "Not ready to do another romantic subplot with Mr. Foley just
yet"....and I thought we were great in "Boomerang" together!
BRAIN: Be that as it may, it appears we've lost her services on this film...though she
mentions getting a replacement...I wonder who
[Brain's statement is cut off as we hear the door of the lab kicked open, and see a
figure flying into the room....the figure slams into the injured Mr. Combs, sending him
rolling back and slamming into a wall; Mr. Combs looks fairly dazed, with the cartoon
stars/swirly lines sight gag seen swirling around his head...]
FIGURE: Oh, I'm sorry...I thought you were a stunt double, given your bandages and all!
PUFF: [Dazed and confused] That's OK....just need the material from "Animaniacs
Suite" to sample for my next album! Daaah! [Passes out]
BRAIN: Who are you?!
FIGURE: The name's Cynthia Rothrock; I was sent by the temp agency. I'm the star of
many direct-to-video martial arts movies...I'm sure you've all seen "Tiger
Claws"? "Tiger Claws *2*"? "Lady Dragon"? "Rage and
[The mice and Axel all stammer, trying to sugarcoat their response...]
CYNTHIA: That's OK..."Tiger Claws 2" wasn't that big of a hit in the U.S., I
guess, though it did pretty well overseas...the royalties *almost* covered last
months car payment!
BRAIN: Well, I suppose someone with your martial arts talents will be perfect for all
the action scenes this film will require!
BILLIE: [Whispering] Psst! Eggy! We need an intellectual woman capable of passing as a
scientist here, not Ms. B-movie "Fists of Fury" here!
BRAIN: [Whispering back] I know that, but what do you want from me? It's not like the
temp agency's having a two actors for the price of one sale!
CYNTHIA: [Overhearing Brain's dialogue] Um, actually, they *are* today...the other
actress should be here shortly...[She picks up a copy of the script lying on the table,
and scans through it] I'm supposed to be playing a scientist, right? Well, given that I'd
rather be doing some action scenes, how about using the other actress as the scientist?
She seems more suited for that type of role...and I could play her more action-oriented
twin sister and sidekick to the heroes! [Glances over at Ah-nold and Axel] ...such as they
BILLIE: Um, and *who* is this actress, if I may ask?
[Suddenly, we see another female figure walk in...it's Molly Ringwald.]
BRAIN: Who are you?
MOLLY: My name is Molly Ringwald! I was a popular teen actress in the 80's, but my
career since thens been sort of on the skids...
BRAIN: Oh, now I remember you! Why did you choose "Teaching Mrs. Tingle" to
be your comeback vehicle?
MOLLY: I don't know! My agent said that Kevin Williamson was one of the best directors!
BRAIN: I don't know...anyone that created "Dawson's Creek" can't exactly be
the best person to work with. Besides, couldn't you get a script from John Hughes?
MOLLY: Yeah, right! He panders to young kids now, and he hasn't had a hit in years! His
last big hit...well, I've got 2 words for you...
AXEL: Suck it?
MOLLY: Wrong! The words are "Home Alone"! Say, whatever happened to Macaulay
AXEL: That washed-up (bleep) is working at the McDonald's down the street!
BRAIN: As if that restaurant couldnt get any *worse*...anyway, let's get to work
on the next scene!
[Suddenly, yet *another* actress bursts through the door, outfitted in a few hundred
rounds of ammo, and futuristic, oversized, uranium packing, rail-gun.]
ACTRESS: Stand back, Betsy, the Wedding's over!
BRAIN: And who, may I ask, are *you*?
ACTRESS: I'm the (bleep)in' actress that other (bleep)in' actress had sent by that
(bleep)in' temp agency! And *that* (bleep)in' actress there is trying to steal the part
*I* was sent here to play!
BRAIN: Can we please keep this language to a minimum, already? Now I assume you wish to
replace Molly as the female lead?
ACTRESS: Sorry... I'm still recovering from the dialogue in my last movie. And yes, I'm
here to take the part. Who'd be better to play an intelligent scientist and former space
marine who hopefully gets to blow up hoards of drooling alien monsters?
BILLIE: You mean...?
BRAIN: YES! Sigourny Weaver! After "Ghostbusters", the first two
"Alien" movies, and "Gorillas in the Mist" you'd be perfectly
qualified, but what are you doing here? One wouldn't think you'd be *this* desperate for
WEAVER: The truth is, I think the script is pure garbage. However, it's obviously
engineered to draw in huge masses of carnage craving lunatics and make all the
BRAIN: Well... yes... but...
WEAVER: Here's my pitch, if I star in this, would you take a fraction of your profits
to buy the rights to the "Alien" series, so I can rewrite those last two flops
to just being a dream sequence?
MOLLY: (Interrupting) Hold it, here! I arrived first, you took too long!
WEAVER: That's because *you* rescheduled my flight to beat me!
[Pinky whispers something to Billie, she nods her head. They run over and both whisper
something to Brain]
BRAIN: (Whispering back) Very well then, I'll take your suggestion. (To Weaver &
Ringwald) Ladies, ladies, please... we'll do tryouts for both of you, starting now.
Whoever fits in best gets the lead, the runner up can be an extra...
MOLLY: Extra?! I'm *nobody*'s extra!
WEAVER: Me neither, sister...let's go!
[Weaver drops all her futuristic Aliens-gear, and she and Molly begin moving into
wrestling-like moves....Axel, Arnold, the mice, and Cynthia stand off to the side, looking
astonished at all this...]
BRAIN: [Covering face with hands] This plan is *not* going completely as I
BILLIE: Ditto from me, Pinky...
[We see that Molly has Weaver in a headlock, and is slamming her fist on the top of her
MOLLY: Give it up, missy! At least *I* didn't just pass the half-century mark agewise!
WEAVER: Oh yeah, Miss "Pickup Artist"?! Try picking up *this*!
[Weaver manages to break the headlock, and, picking up Molly over her head, begins
twirling her around in a helicopter wrestling move-type of fashion...all the spectators
move back...Weaver lets Molly go, sending her flying towards none other than...the
still-heavily-bandaged Puff Daddy.]
PUFF: *YAAAAAAAARGH*! This is gettin' *older* than those songs I sampled for my last
[Molly slams into Puff, sending the two careening through the door, and out into the
street...the sound of screeching tires can be heard...the rest of the cast walks to the
door, and makes cringing faces at the scene...]
AXEL: [Sighs, slaps hand over his face] Better call the (bleep)in' ambulance *again*, I
CYNTHIA: [To Weaver] *Nice* moves...maybe we could teach each other a few fight tactics
BRAIN: [Rolls eyes] *Indeed*...now that our casting problems have been solved, can we
please get on with the filming of the next scene already?!
[They all walk back into the lab, and begin setting up for the next scene...we see an
ambulance pull up to take the mangled-looking Molly and Puff Daddy off to the hospital...]
[Fade to some time later, in the Lab...]
BILLIE: [Walking back over from the phone] That was the hospital, Eggy...they say that
Mr. Combs should be able to get released in time to finish, uh, "editing"
together our film's soundtrack.
BRAIN: Excellent! But what about the Voo Doo Dolls?
BILLIE: Just got off the phone with those guys, too; they're stuck at O'Hare airport in
Chicago, and won't be able to get here for awhile. But they'll still get here to help
finish off this film's soundtrack... [Glances over at the pile of 1980's-era music albums
Mr. Combs left behind] ...such as it *is*...
BRAIN: Very well, then. [To Sigourney] Now, in this scene Ms. Weaver, you must hand the
secret plot-critical formula-containing Zip disk to Mr. Foley, who, with the help of your
vivacious kickboxing fraternal twin sister, must fight through a horde of fierce
kickboxing cyborgs, led by their leader...[Points to Arnold, who's standing with the
crewmembers; they're all dressed in what looks like second-rate-looking "Star Trek:
TNG" Borg costumes.]. In the meantime, there'll be various comic asides featuring
Pinky hitting a rag doll repeatedly on the head with a toothbrush. [Pan over to see Pinky,
dressed in a mouse-sized version of Axel's usual wardrobe, is standing next to a rag doll.
Pinky is holding a toothbrush.]
PINKY: Um...Brain? What's my motivation in this scene?
BRAIN: Uh...er....the rag doll...um...taped over all your Tony Danza videos!
PINKY: Got it, Brain! *NARF*!
CYNTHIA: What's with Arnold? I thought he was a *good* guy!
BRAIN: He is...but according to the script, he's been captured by the cyborgs during
Axel and Pinky's third toilet humor scene and turned into the cyborg's leader...and he'll
eventually be freed from this horrible fate by the film's end.
BILLIE: Say, didn't we see this "plot" in "The Best of Both Worlds"
on "Star Trek: The Next Generation"?
PINKY: Um, yes, but this has *kickboxing*! Ooooooh, fun fun silly willy! *NARF*! And it
narrowly avoids trademark infringement, to boot!
BRAIN: [Groans] Very well...let us proceed with this B-movie science fiction
scene...[To cameraman] aaaaand...*ACTION*!
ARNOLD: Your formula....geeve it to me! Or I will kill you! [Walks forward
mechanically, a la the Terminator.]
AXEL: What the (bleep) are we gonna *do*?! Recycle these walking iMacs into Powerbooks?
[Utters that staccato laugh of his]
[Billie glances at a checklist labeled, "Product Placement Sponsors", and
checks off "Apple Computers."]
CYNTHIA: Precisely....c'mon, let's go!
[Cynthia assumes a kickboxing pose, with Axel doing a similar, goofy version, and they
begin fighting with the cyborgs and Arnold. We also see Pinky hitting the rag doll
repeatedly with his toothbrush, yelling such things as "How could you?! 'The Garbage
Picking, Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon' 's my favorite movie with a really
long title!" Cutting back to the Hollywood talent, we see that the cyborg kickboxing
fight scene's hit a climatic point...]
AXEL: Here's a little somethin' somethin' from the Motor City, ya walkin' (bleep)in'
Powerbook! [Punches out a cyborg] HA!
[Cut to Cynthia, engaged in an oh-so-exciting fight with Arnold-the-cyborg. Cynthia
does a cheesy B-movie-ish flying karate kick, and slams into Arnold, knocking him into a
fuse box mounted on a wall...in typical B-movie sci-fi style, Arnold's suit shorts out,
doing the skeleton x-ray cartoon gag...oddly, Arnold doesn't yell, but grits his
teeth...Cynthia runs up to him.]
CYNTHIA: Oh! Are you all right?!
ARNOLD: [Labored] Yes, I will be. But first, you must get the mah-ster villain behind
the whole thing, before I am fused with this really kewl cyborg-type stuff forever!
CYNTHIA: Oh, yes! Yes, I *will*! [Makes a fist, and angrily stares into the camera]
*This* time, those creeps are going to *pay*!
WEAVER: [Walking into the shot] Make that *twice*, sister...'cause the odds just
*doubled* in our *favor*! [The two women clasps fists together, and we see Weaver pull
from off-camera one of her big futuristic-looking Alien guns. They pose for the camera, as
does Axel and Pinky (dragging the now-badly-bruised rag doll into the shot). Brain yells
BILLIE: Excellent acting, Pinky!
PINKY: Oh, it was nothing, really...Brain just gave me the proper motivation, that's
BRAIN: Great work, everyone! Now we'll run this scene through the computers at the
Sucker Bros. studio's special effects department, "Clerical Lights and Magic"!
[Zip pan to this sfx-department, which consists of a staff of all of two guys,
whore both pounding away at two ancient Mac Plus computers with dot-matrix printers
and 2400-baud modems hooked up to them.... a pile of papers in an "in" box is
seen with a sticky note reading "bid for new theme-park dinosaur film special
effects: return by January 22nd, 1992"...]
[Zip pan back to the Lab...we see Axel spraying Arnold's smoldering form with a fire
BRAIN: [Checks the lab's clock] Why don't we all break for lunch, and then we'll meet
back shortly to shoot the next scene...
PINKY: OK, Brain! *TROZ*! [Pauses] And so are[Brain whaps Pinky over the head
with his mouse-sized copy of the script; Billie rolls her eyes at this].
BILLIE: Erm, lunch sounds fine with me...wanna go to that new restaurant I saw
AXEL: Uh, I guess...
PINKY: Um, will it have neat-o kids' meal toys, Billie?
BILLIE: *No*, silly, it's way better than *that*! C'mon! [Grabs Pinky's arm, and the
entire crew exit the room...]
[Cut to the hospital that Molly Ringwald and Puff Daddy were hauled off to; we see
Puff, escorted by several members of his entourage, leave the hospital in a wheelchair. We
also see Molly Ringwald, with her head wrapped in bandages and a crutch under one arm, is
speaking into a phone...]
MOLLY: Um, sure, I'll star in your film, sir. With *my* talents, by the time
"Lethal Intellect"'s finished filming, those guys'll wish they'd took *me* over
Little Miss "Alien" after all!
[Cut to the other end of the line, where we see somebody in a nice, executive-type
office with various movie posters in frames on the walls, speaking into a phone...however,
we only see the back of his chair and not the figure himself, with the phone cord
stretching from the chair...]
FIGURE: Excellent! And don't worry about having any competition for my film from that
"Lethal Intellect" thing, Miss Ringwald...with the resources at my disposal, by
the time *I'm* through with those upstart film producers, they'll wish they were back to
running a film projector for science class! [Chuckles, and hangs up, as dramatic music
plays in the background...]
[We fade in on the crew in a Chunk E. Cheesy's down the block. Axel, Ah-nold,
Sigourney, and Cynthia sit eating pizza with *EXTREMELY* stringy cheese, whilst Billie
& Pinky play misc. games, and Brain sits off to the side looking rather peeved.]
[We pull up on Billie & Pinky, playing the restaurant's Whack-a-Mole game. However,
the two of them together have trouble even lifting the game's mallet, let alone hitting
the moles' heads. Arnold approaches.]
ARNOLD: Heah, leetle mousies. Allow me. [He grabs the mallet and proceeds to smash the
heads as they pop up, with *TREMENDOUS* force. Within seconds, the machine is a pile of
broken metal and plastic. Arnold reaches into the heap and pulls out the roll of tickets.]
Heah...get a mustache comb or dryer lint or something...I'm going to go play in da ball
pit... [He hands them the tickets and walks off. Pinky and Billie shrug at each other.]
PINKY: Let's go play the bowling game!
BILLIE: Okay! [The two walk over and find an empty "alley." They climb up,
and with some effort, begin trying to roll the heavy ball up the steep incline. They
nearly reach the top, and are about to give it a final push into the 100 slot, when it
slips from their control. They run down the hill really fast, with the ball on their
heels, as "Indiana Jones"-ish music plays for a few seconds. They each clear to
one side of the "alley" as the ball rolls between them. Then, they look at each
other breathlessly, and begin to laugh. Brain approaches.]
BRAIN: Ahem. Can we *PLEASE* get going? I never thought I'd say this, but
McDonald's might actually be *PREFERABLE* to this place...
[Suddenly, a guy in a Chunk E. Cheesy suit approaches and begins to hug Brain.]
BRAIN: Ack! Get it off! Get it off! [It cuddles him all the harder, á la Baloney.]
[Brain is now gasping for air.] Make...it...stop...please...! [Suddenly, two colored balls
come flying at the costumed rodent's head. Chunk E. spins around, to see Ah-nold standing
on top of the ball pit, holding a ball from the pit in each hand, standing in a dramatic
pose. He squeezes the balls so hard they pop. Some kids gather around, watching
ARNOLD: Alright, mousey-mascotdis time...it's personal. [Some kids below hand him
some more balls from the pit. He chucks them hard at Chunk E., who drops Brain and turns
to fight. Arnold jumps the rat, and after a gratuitous cartoon fight cloud clears, we see
Arnold, the victor, standing on top of his unconscious victim.] Hasta la vista...baby.
BRAIN: [Slapping his forehead in disgust.] Can we *PLEASE* go now?
PINKY & BILLIE: 'Kay. [They get the women and Axel and head out.]
[Fade to a broad panover of the New York City skyline...we pass over various buildings,
including the United Nations (with a snippet of "U.N. Me" playing in the
background), and stop at the inside of a modern-looking skyscraper. We see the entire crew
setting up inside to shoot the next scene...]
PINKY: What are we doing in this scene, Brain? Saving Fay Wray from a giant monkey?
POIT! [Imitates an ape] RRRRR! [Billie pretends to shirk in fear, then giggles.]
BRAIN: *No*, Pinky...in this scene, Ms. Weaver and Mr. Foley must infiltrate one of the
villain's seven different headquarters...since the villain keeps moving from one evil lair
to the next, such repetitiveness will surely enrapture the nanosecond-long attention spans
of our audience! Mr. Foley, Ms. Weaver, are you ready?
[Pan over to see the two actors are ready for this scene, as they stand at the end of a
darkened hallway. We see that Ms. Weaver is wearing fatigue-type gear and is holding a Big
Futuristic-looking Gun, a la the "Alien" movies. Axel just holds a pistol.]
AXEL: Yeah, we're all set!
[The two cast members begin to move slowly down the hall. They hold their weapons out
in front of them...]
WEAVER: We must be careful...for all we know, the villain behind this whole scheme
might have some type of trick up his sleeve!
[Pull back to reveal that this scene's being monitored by the executive-type seen
earlier on...he smiles broadly.]
EXECUTIVE: Soooo...trying to use such a nice-looking New York City building to film
your little production, Brain? We'll see how your shooting handles a little...obstacle
thrown into the path. [Chuckles, and presses a button...cutting back to the hallway, we
see a door open, with what looks to be tons of Pokemon merchandise flooding out of a room,
like an avalanche...the Poke-merchandise tsunami hurls towards the unsuspecting actors...]
AXEL: Hold it! Do you hear something?
WEAVER: Yes, I do... and *look*!
[Sigourney points towards the end of the hallway, and more specifically the
Poke-tsunami that's heading towards Our Heroes...they all gasp.]
BRAIN: *This* isn't in the script...I specifically requested *no* references to *that*
show in this thing! [Nervous] But as long as it's *here*...we'd best do something to stop
AXEL: *Stop it*?! What the (bleep) are we gonna do to stop it?!
WEAVER: Simple...we keep on actin'! Keep filming! [Charges up her gun, and aims it
towards the wave of merchandise. She also whips out a futuristic-looking grenade, and
passes it to Axel.] OK...ready...aim...*NOW*!
[Sigourney aims her gun at the merchandise, and fires; at the same time, Axel hurls his
grenade. We see the merchandise deflected into the opposite direction from the blast of
Sigourney's gun, with the ticking grenade lodged in the merchandise. The merchandise flows
back into the room from whence it came, followed by a building-rattling explosion. The
cast run to the end of the hall, and find only bits of Poke-merchandise littering the
room. All breathe a sigh of relief...]
WEAVER: [Melodramatically] Final...merchandise...close-out. [Puts the safety on her Big
Futuristic Gun, and Brain yells CUT!]
PINKY: *Naaarf*...this was just like that guy that set that Pikachu doll on fire!
Except without accusations of it being the harbinger of the apocalypse and all...
AXEL: [Flatly] Um...yeah.
BRAIN: *Indeed*...but surely, this merchandise flood must've come from somewhere...who
would *do* such a thing, and *why*?
BILLIE: Beats me...but at least we got it all on film! With a bit of splicing, it'll
look *great* for the movie!
CYNTHIA: Great...but what about this floor? Won't paying for all this damage to the
building eat into our budget?
BILLIE: Nah...it's OK: this is the same building they use for all those generic
climatic action movie scenes!
CYNTHIA: I thought this place looked familiar...
BILLIE: Compared to the damage that "Last Action Hero" did to this building
action-wise *and* reputation-wise, this is nothin'...
ARNOLD: Um...yeah... nothin'... [Looks glum.]
PINKY: There, there, Mr. Arnold...um, *I* liked that "Last Action Hero" film!
BRAIN: You *would*...now come, let us shoot the *next* scene of our movie! Hopefully
without any mishaps... [The crew begin to gather up their equipment, with Brain pausing a
moment to pick up a piece of the Pokemon merchandise that was blown to shreds. He stuffs
it in his pocket, and the crew leave...]
[Cut to the executive-guy, who's watched all this on his viewscreen...]
EXECUTIVE: Drats! I thought for sure all that discounted warehouse overflow Poke-stock
would stop those independent filmmakers cold! But I'm sure my *next* trap for those losers
will end their film careers faster than you can say "Heaven's Gate"! [Chuckles
[We see the crew setting up to film in a lab room. Brain speaks into a megaphone.]
BRAIN: Now in this scene [The megaphone emits a painful screeching noise. Brain
quickly shakes it, and continues.] In this scene, we see the struggles of the female
scientist, as the landlord comes and says he's foreclosing on the Lab, if she doesn't pay
her rent in two days. [Whispered to Pinky & Billie] Could you guys possibly have made
this thing any more cliché? [Back into the megaphone.] Anyway, uh... [Flips ahead a few
pages in his copy of the script.] Then, a horde of rampaging Robo-Killers enters and
tries to hack her to shreds. Arnold, you will play the landlord, who as it turns out later
on, is also the evil supervillain behind this whole thing, who wants to put an end to Ms.
Weaver's work, because it threatens his business, as well as wanting to bump off Mr. Foley
as revenge for the death of his father. [Brain glares at Pinky & Billie, who shrug.
ARNOLD: Alright. I am ready for my close-up, Mr. Brain.
BRAIN: Then...roll 'em!
[We see Sigourney working in the Lab mixing chemicals. Suddenly, the door swings open
and Arnold heads in.]
ARNOLD: Ms. ...um, Smith...I'm afraid I am heah to shut down da laboratory.
SIGOURNEY: But...you can't!
ARNOLD: Yah, 'cause da rent is laate. I give you two days, yah? Daht is more den faair.
SIGOURNEY: But...I'm *THIS* close to completing my experiment! I'll make millions!
You'll get your rent! You'll see!
[Cut to the mice. Brain whispers to Billie.]
BRAIN: The hackneyed script is bad enough, but if she doesn't stop overacting soon, I
think I'm going to lurch...
[Back to the other two.]
ARNOLD: You haff two days. Daht is daht. So long...for now. [Laughs maniacally for a
moment, then coughs. He clears his throat.] Goot day. [He runs out of the set and rushes
over to Brain.] How vas daht? Did I overdo it on da maniacal laughing? I neffer laughed
BRAIN: You were fine, fine...now, cue the Robo-Killers!
[Cut back to the set. Suddenly, a ton of little robot thingees walk in. They're not
much larger than a child's toys.]
BILLIE: *THOSE* are the Robo-Killers?! Where did you get them, a McDonald's
Happy Meal giveaway?!
BRAIN: Er, close...actually, I used the tickets Arnold won at Chunk E. Cheesy's to get
them as our prize... [Billie slaps her face.] Well, what do you want?! Our budget is on a
level to rival Public Access Television's! We have to bear with what we've got... Besides,
*I* think they're rather convincing...as long as we don't let the little winders on their
backs show onscreen... [Billie rolls her eyes and walks away.]
[Sigourney climbs up on the table. She rips off her lab coat to reveal the same outfit
as the previous scene, and the same Big Futuristic-Looking Gun. She strikes a
dramatic pose with the gun, but before she can shoot any of the little buggers, they start
to explode. She looks around frightened.]
BILLIE: Ooo, neat effects, Eggy! I take back that crack from before!
BRAIN: Er..thanks, but...this wasn't in the script either!
PINKY: Gee, if I didn't know better, I'd say someone didn't *WANT* this movie to get
made and is using a variety of sabotages to discourage us!
BRAIN: Pinky! Enough with your trite platitudes! We've got to help Sigourney!
[Speaking of whom...we cut back to her, as the Robo-Killers continue to explode
all around. Some begin to climb up on the table next to her and she smacks them down with
the butt of her Big Futuristic-Looking Gun. Suddenly, they all freeze. Some fall
over flat on their faces.]
BRAIN: Whew! Looks like the winders ran down! They're stopped! [He begins to run over
PINKY: Er...but should that effect any explosives that might've been placed on the
BRAIN: [Now right in the midst of the Robo-Killers.] Er...actually...I suppose
not... [Suddenly, all the remaining Robo-Killers explode at once, leaving a
black-fried Brain left standing there, quite dazed.] To quote the immortal Oliver
Hardy...ooohhhh... [Keels over.]
[Fade to sometime later...we see the entire Lethal Intellect crew at JFK International
Airport, standing near an empty plane hanger. Brains completely recovered from the
previous bit of pointless slapstick violence...]
AXEL: What the (bleep) are we doin' at JFK? I'm not plannin' on headin' back ta
Michigan anytime soon...
BRAIN: We're here to shoot the next part of this film! Now in this scene, Cynthia and
Sigourney must find the bomb that's been planted inside of the plane hanger, which is
really one of the master villain's multiple secret headquarters! During this time, we'll
also shoot footage of Pinky and Axel engaging in various hilarious airport-related
hijinks, with appropriate background music...speaking of which, *where* are the Voo Doo
BILLIE: Beats me...I'd think that they'd be here by now.
BRAIN: Well, since they're not here, we'll have to rely on the musical stylings of Mr.
Combs for this bit... [Pan over to see that Puff Daddy is amongst the group, albeit on
crutches] Now, then, Mr. Combs, can you create appropriate wacky music for the required
PUFF DADDY: No problem, man! I've got everything I need right here! [Holds up a CD
reading "Best Wacky Hits of the '80's: From Devo to Weird Al"; Brain groans]
BRAIN: Very well... let's begin! [To the film crew] Half of you cover Pinky and Axel,
and the other half cover the hanger scene! [They split up] Annnd...ACTION!
[Cut to the hanger; we see Sigourney and Cynthia wander around...]
CYNTHIA: The bomb could be anywhere...we must split up!
SIGOURNEY: Right! [Whips out another Big Futuristic-Looking Gun, and they split up. We
see Sigourney creep around the darkened hanger, looking for the bomb; water drips from the
ceiling, a la the Aliens films. Suddenly, she hears something behind her, and turns
around. She sees dropping down from the ceiling a stuffed dummy that resembles Arnold,
with a timer and a tape recorder attached.]
ARNOLD'S VOICE: So, you've found one of mah many multiple hideouts, yah! But you'll
nevah find my *final* hideout! Now, prepare to be exploded severely! [The timer on the
dummy begins to tick backwards from 60 seconds...]
SIGOURNEY: I've found the bomb! [Cynthia runs over]
CYNTHIA: Great! Now we'll just have to disarm it, before the entire place goes up like
fireworks on the Fourth of July!
[Cut away from this, to the wacky airport scene. We see Pinky, still dressed like Axel
Foley, is eating at the airport's McDonald's restaurant...he's laughing idiotically,
and annoying the other patrons.]
PINKY: WAHAHAHA! This is great! Pricier airport versions of *great*-tasting food!
*NARF*! [Takes out the prize; it's a miniature airplane toy] [Pinky waves it around,
making airplane noises] Zoom! Whoosh! Hahaha!
[From off-screen, we hear sounds of Axel cursing profusely...]
AXEL: Hey! You! Get over here and help me out with this (bleep)in' thing!
PINKY: Um, OK!
[Pinky runs over to Axel, who's standing at the baggage return carousel.]
PINKY: Um, what's wrong?
AXEL: Waitfirst, I have to have a sip of this delicious, highly satisfying
name-brand beverage! [Whips out a bottle of Coca-Cola, holds it up long enough for
the camera to linger on it, then takes a long drink.] Mmmm...now that's the real (bleep),
PINKY: Ooooh, I'll bet it is! [Looks at his wardrobe] Just like this stylish, Major
League Baseball-licensed Detroit Tigers jacket, Converse sneakers, and
Levi's blue jeans are! *NARF*!
AXEL: [Setting his bottle of overpriced carbonated sugar water down] Now then, which
one's our (bleep)in' bags?
PINKY: Hmmm...I dunno...they all look the same to me...
AXEL: Well, one of them's gotta be it!
PINKY: Uhh....maybe it's *that* one? [Points to a bag, which has large letters labeled
Pinky plastered on the side of it] Don't worry, I'll get it! [Pinky climbs up onto the
carousel, and tries moving the bag; however, it continues along the carousel path. Pinky
climbs on top of it, and begins laughing wildly and waving]
PINKY: Hi-yo, Samsonite! Away! Hahahaha!
AXEL: Hey! Get the (bleep) down from there! [Axel climbs onto the carousel, and grabs
the bag; however, they're swept down a belt and towards a baggage loading center. They
pass through an x-ray machine (with the usual cartoon-skeleton-cutaway gag seen), followed
by a dimbulb baggage handler throwing the duo and bag sloppily into the back of a cart,
attached to a golf cart-sized buggy. Axel and Pinky land in the front seat, and
inadvertently start the cart's motor, sending it careening wildly all over the place, and
towards the empty hanger.]
[Cut back to the hanger...we see the "Dynamic Duo" are still trying to
diffuse the bomb...]
BRAIN: [Whispering] That isn't a *real* bomb in the device, is it?
BILLIE: [Whispering] Well, the JFK airport security said in this case we could...
BRAIN: [Whispering] *WHAT*?!
BILLIE: [Whispering] Yes...they'd been meaning to demolish this hanger for years, and
finally found someone willing to do the job for cheap! Didn't *that* work out well in our
BRAIN: [Slaps his face] Let's just hope that they diffuse the bomb in time...
[Cut to the women.]
SIGOURNEY: Stand back! I know a thing or two about bombs...now let's get this diffused!
[Begins examining the wires carefully...meanwhile, cut back to the
careening-out-of-control Axel and Pinky, who've wound up racing down an airport runway in
their runaway cart. Pull back to see that this is being monitored once again by our
EXECUTIVE: Oh, ho, ho, this is rich! Thanks to disabling the brakes and steering on
that cart of theirs, this films going *be* "da bomb"! Ha!
[Cut back to the Cursing One and the Laughing One, with their film crew following
AXEL: Hey! The brakes don't work on this (bleep)in' thing! That's not in the script!
PINKY: And neither is *that*! [Points ahead to a 747 that's taxiing towards them...Axel
and Pinky scream. The plane's pilot, seeing this, also screams, and turns the plane away
from the cart, but winds up heading towards the empty, bomb-containing hanger. The cart
also winds up careening towards the hanger as well...inside:]
SIGOURNEY: Um...perhaps *this* does something? [Pulls a wire; we see that it does
nothing. The rest of the crew look at this nervously.]
BRAIN: [Looking behind him] What's that noise?
[All turn around, to see that heading towards them is the 747, followed in close
pursuit by the out-of-control baggage cart. All scream, and race out of the hanger,
dragging their filming equipment with them. The 747 pulls to a stop just outside the
hanger; however, the golf cart keeps careening ahead, and winds up slamming into the
bomb-containing dummy. Axel and Pinky jump off, and race out of the hanger at top speed.
We also see the plane's pilot and crew climb out of the plane, as well as...]
BILLIE: The *VOO DOO DOLLS*! I thought they'd never get here!
LEAD SINGER: Yep, it's us! Finally made it...but not on the best of transport
means...lousy discount airline flights...
[Suddenly, the hanger blows up; we see the hanger collapse, yet amazingly causing
little damage to the plane itself. All breathe a sigh of relief.]
BRAIN: [Raising an eyebrow at Axel and Pinky] Pinky, what happened?
AXEL: Somebody took the (bleep)in' brakes and steering off that cart! We were careenin'
BRAIN: Sounds like another mysterious "accident"...hmm...come, let us return
to the lab, and prepare for the next scene...
[The entire Lethal Intellect staff and the Voo Doo Dolls leave the scene...]
[Cut to the executive-guys office, which is finally better-lit this time. We see
that his office walls are adorned with posters advertising such films as "The
Abysmal", "Illegal Aliens", and so forth....we see at his desk that his
back is still turned to us, but not for long...we see him finally swivel around, to reveal
that this figure is a caricature of director James Cameron. The figure grips a small
statue of a Verminator on his desk, and grips it tightly, before it finally breaks in two.
A nameplate is finally seen as well for this caricature: "Jim Macaroon"]
MACAROON: GAAAH! Those fools *survived*! (Rubs the sides of his head) I need to
relax----(yells off-screen) enter, my loyal subjects!
[We see rush into the room are several minions dressed like medieval palace aides; they
swarm the director with a royal robe, crown, and a cup of coffee...]
MINION: Anything else you need, sire?
MACAROON: Yes....the Brain to cease production of his film!
MINION #2: Is there a particular reason why, sire?
MACAROON: Of course! One reason, two words: "Verminator 3"!
[He points to a poster reading "Coming Soon: Verminator 3: The Killfest
Continues!", with a picture of a Verminator wielding big honkin guns]
MACAROON: Ive spent *years* working on trying to bring "V3" to
fruition, and Im not about to have my thunder stolen by someone about to release
what could be the biggest cinematic action-filled hit since....
MINION: Your movie about the big sinking boat?
MACAROON: Indeed... (Points to another poster, reading "LUSITANIA"; a
subcaption reads "Passion and drama amongst the German U-Boats!" The lead actor
shown appears to look as if he hasnt quite finished puberty yet; he looks a bit like
the squeaky-voiced teenager on the "Simpsons"...) "Lusitania" brought
in enough money to buy out China---but it wont be surpassed or matched by the likes
of "Lethal Intellect". That is, not as long as I still have that ace up my
sleeve.... (Presses a button on a callbox) Peterson? Is the Verminator robot we ordered
from Cincinnatis ACME Labs still recharging?
PETERSON: (VO) Yes, sir, it is....and weve finished filming for today on the
MACAROON: *Excellent*. Bring it to my limo; Ill be down in five minutes.
PETERSON: Are you planning some sort of movie promotion, sir?
MACAROON: (Grins slyly) You might say that....(hangs up) By this time next week,
"Lethal Intellect" will be little more than a mere memory...and *I* will still
reign as---KING OF THE CINEMA! (Laughs sinisterly and raises his fists, as dramatic music
[Cut to ACME Labs, where the final film editings being done by the mice on the
labs computers. The crew is still there, save for the Voo Doo Dolls.]
BILLIE: Hmph...nice going, Eggy. Thanks to your budgeting, we didnt have enough
to keep the Dolls on to do a song number for this thing!
BRAIN: Well, with the "budget" we got from the studio, we couldnt help
it. Besides, we managed to find a substitute "love ballad" for the big romantic
scene between one of the cyborg drones and Cynthia...
BILLIE: (Making a face) Yes....but, still----"Sugar Sugar"?!
BRAIN: Well, it was either that, or "Yummy Yummy Yummy Ive Got Love In My
Tummy"... (glares at Pinky, who laughs at this song title) There wasnt much to
choose from at the bookmobiles CD stacks...and Mr. Combs over there has run into a
few, ahem, "difficulties" with the soundtrack to our film.
[Pan over to Mr. Combs, now with only one arm in a sling, as hes reading over a
pile of "cease and desist" orders issued by the artists whose songs he was
trying to "borrow" for the soundtrack.]
PUFF: Feh....whod figure that Devo had *lawyers*?
BRAIN: (Rolling his eyes) Well, at this rate, as soon as the
"soundtrack"s done, and the final editings complete, well be
ready to bring forth unto the world "Lethal Intellect"---and my *rule*!
PINKY: Oooooh, sounds *wonderful*, Brain! Im all a-tingle!
[Outside the window of the lab, we see a limo parked in the street. Near the front
window, we see a steely, metallic figure with glowing red eyes look in....we see the mice
in a set of viewfinders, with computer text reading "TARGET: PINKY AND
BRAIN....ASSIGNMENT: BRAIN-DEATH BEFORE LETHAL INTELLECT PREMIERE". Cutting to the
limo, we see Macaroon glee evilly at this, before ordering his driver to pull away....]
[Cut to sometime several days later, at the Artemis Theater in Harlem, New York; the
theaters done up spectacularly for the premiere of "Lethal Intellect",
with searchlights, velvet ropes, red carpet, the works. The marquee reads: "TONIGHT:
Theatrical Debut of Lethal Intellect". We see a crowd of screaming fans,
and a limo pull up....out steps the various stars of the film, all dudded up for the
occasion in formal clothes (with Pinky and Brain dressed as they were in
"Cinebrainia"). Cutting to inside the theater, we see the stars of the film are
seated in a roped-off section in the back row...]
BRAIN: (To Pinky) This is it, Pinky...if this films a hit with the low-brow
masses, well be sure to take over the *WORLD*! Did you distribute the free passes to
tonights performance to the various critics?
PINKY: (Points to caricatures of Roger Ebert, Gene Shalit, and other famous reviewers
in the front row) Right there! And *this* time, no shampoo...(whispers to Brain) it
wasnt on sale at the supermarket this week, POIT!
BRAIN: (Rolling his eyes) Wonderful... (to Axel) Did you give the same passes to places
where likely fans of this film would congregate, Axel?
AXEL: Yep! That seedy bar down the street, an arena football game, and a WWF
BRAIN: *Excellent*. Cynthia, did you put those pictures of yourself on the "Lethal
CYNTHIA: You mean the pictures of me in that completely gratuitous scene where I had to
go to Hawaii and prance around in that swimsuit?!
BRAIN: *Indeed*....such scantily-clad tactics are another factor in attracting the
typical age 18-34 male action movie crowd!
BILLIE: (Makes another face at the thought of that scene) Maybe so, but I think that
bit set back us women a good couple of years...
BRAIN: Dont worry....by the time this films done, well be taking
women *and* men light-years forward!
[The theater darkens, indicating the shows about to begin...however, something
seems amiss: we see a figure at the bottom edge of the screen with glowing eyes and a
BRAIN: (Annoyed) Of all the insensitive rudeness---(Yells) Would you be so kind as to
perform the act known in the common vernacular as "DOWN IN FRONT"?!
FIGURE: (In a heavy Austrian accent) No prah-blem...Id be glad to...
[The lights in the theater light up, as everyone gasps at what appears on the stage in
front of the screen: namely, the Verminator itself! Who is joined in short order by Jim
Macaroon and (all healed up) Molly Ringwald...the audience begins mumbling/talking amongst
PINKY: Egad! Its the King of the World himself! (Seeing Molly) And that
"Pickup Artist" lady, POIT!
BRAIN: (To Pinky, annoyed) *I* am the rightful owner of that "King" title...
(walks down the aisle towards the "Dynamic Trio") And Id like to know what
purpose this...."disruption"...is to serve!
MACAROON: Well, you see, its quite simple---theres no way that "Lethal
Intellect" can possibly succeed! Ive got too much invested in "Verminator
3" to have *this* film possibly overshadow it...and I refuse to have my picture
possibly fail due to some "film" that involved a hanger blowing up at JFK...
BRAIN: So it *was* you who was trying to sabotage our efforts....how *typical*...
PINKY: (Joining Brain) And you were helping him with his nefarious schemes and
cookie-making, werent you?! POIT!
MOLLY: (Shrugs) What can I say? Macaroon promised me a role in that sequel to
"Lusitania" he has in the works.... "Valdez: Just when you thought it was
safe for wildlife to go back in the Alaskan water!"
BILLIE: (Joining Brain) And of course, now youre all planning on using that
Verminator there to engage in some sort of cliched Final Confrontation where
youll be inevitably somehow blown to kingdom come in some senselessly violent
manner...look, if your film really *is* as "good" as it professes to be,
theres no reason to try to---
BRAIN: (Thinking) Hmm... cliched and senselessly violent.... (Stops Billie in
mid-sentence) Well, if you *really* wish to settle this in the usual manner, then I
dont see why not.
MACAROON: Fine with me.... *nobody* defeats the King of the World! (To the audience) My
loyal cinematic subjects! Please observe your rightful celluloid rulers defeat of
these upstart serfs! Then you shall all learn that there is only *one* person who can
provide you with the type of entertainment that "Dork Angel" can give...
BILLIE: (Sarcastically) For good *reason*....
MACAROON: (Annoyed) Very well, then....I guess Ill have to utilize Verm here to
end this now... Verminator!
VERMINATOR: Vith plea-zhure.... (aims his cybernetically-enhanced arm at the mice, and
his hand changes to a machine gun-type nozzle...)
PINKY: POIT! Whatll we do?! We didnt bring any silly devices or tricks for
*this* Final Confrontation-thingy...
BRAIN: We dont need to, Pinky...someone else already has... (Whistles loudly)
Sigourney? Cynthia? Arnold?!
[We see the three stars zoom towards the stage in a kickboxing-leaping-style, with the
background/music resembling something from an action scene in the "Powerpuff
Girls"...the three slam into the Verminator, with the bot sent flying across
the stage and slamming into the wall. The robot staggers to get back up, but we see
Sigourneys brought a few items of her Kewl Futuristic Techno-Gear with her: she puts
on some sort of glove with wires running along it, and proceeds to punch Verm in the jaw,
staggering the deadly cybernetic soldier once more...]
VERMINATOR: Ow! That actually hurt, little lady-type-person...
MACAROON: (Yelling in a cliched villain-type manner) Stop them!
[As the kewl zooming background effects/pulsing music continues to play, we see Arnold
grapple with the robot, and Cynthia grappling with Molly ...]
CYNTHIA: Give it up! Im a bigger name than *you* are these days...and none of my
films even made it to the *theater* before hitting video!
MOLLY: Oh, *yeah*, miss "B-actor"? Why dont you go join Britney Spears
and Kid Rock and make some stupid "Simpsons" cameo?
CYNTHIA: (Annoyed by that remark) Oh, I *know* you *didnt*.... (lays a
karate-style punch on Molly, sending her to the floor)
ARNOLD: OK, big mousey robot man....time to put you in dah coo-lah!
VERMINATOR: Dats so funny, I forgot to laff...did you use dat line in dat awful
smelly "Batman" movie-film?
ARNOLD: (Looks upset) Dont make fun of me for doing...dat...*MOVIE*! (Lands
another blow to Verm) I knew I shouldve played this pathetic robot-thing mahself for
MACAROON: (To Verminator and Molly) Quick! Get up! I, your lord and master, *command*
you! (Whips out his scepter, and whaps both of them on the head)
MOLLY: (Rubbing her head) OW! Im up, Im *up*...geez! (Gets up and assumes a
VERMINATOR: All vight, all vight, Im getting up, puny ego-oversized
director-person... (Gets up, and whips out a large bazooka) OK, time to end dis thing,
CYNTHIA: I couldnt agree more....guys?
ARNOLD, SIGOURNEY: Right!
AXEL: (Sitting in the audience, watching all this) (Whistles) Glad Im not
bruisin my (bleep) knuckles playin "Last Action Hero"...
[In yet another Powerpuff Girls-esque fight montage, we see still scenes of Cynthia,
Sigourney, and Arnold all laying blows on the Verminator and Molly...off-screen, we hear
the audience clamoring wildly. Finally, Arnold lays one more blow, sending Vermy slamming
into Macaroon and Molly, which knocks his scepter out of Macaroons hand and hits a
button on one of Verms weapons marked "detonation". All three look at each
other, then at the camera with their pupils dilating, before we see an earth-(or stage-)
shattering "KA-BOOOOOOM"! When the smoke clears, we see a large hole in the
ceiling shaped like the three "Lethal Intellect" opponents, with the trio heard
screaming, which soon fades into nothingness....inside, the audience in attendance all
scream, and applaud the actors/fighters, who take a bow onstage....]
BILLIE: Nice work letting the cast take those guys out, Eggy....
PINKY: Oh, yes...but still, that robot-thingys no Mojo Jojo, POIT!
GENE SHALIT: The feel-good Final Confrontation of the year! This was certainly an
ROGER EBERT: I agree....this promotion was like "The Pickup Artist" meets
"Almost Famous" meets "Star Wars"! Drama, pathos, action...and a touch
BRAIN: (Overhearing this) (To the rest) If they like *that*, then theyll love
whats coming up... (Motions for the audience to calm down) Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen....and now, without further adieu...
[Cut to some guy in the audience, who had been videotaping the whole Final
Confrontation with a camcorder...]
GUY IN AUDIENCE: Duh, whats "adieu" mean?
GUY #2: I think it means, uh..... something related to doggie doo? (Both laugh
immaturely at said insipid "joke")
GUY: Oh, yeah....huh-huh... (yanks out the tape and labels it "Kewl Fight Stuff
From Lethal Intellect")
BRAIN: ...well begin with the *real* reason youre all here: "LETHAL
INTELLECT"! (The audience clamors some more, as the group head back for their seats;
the lights dim, and the film begins....)
[Cut to several hours later, with the closing scene of the picture....on the screen:]
PINKY: (As if reading from a script) Egad...they...are..all..dead...poit.
AXEL: (Whos holding a roll of toilet paper and a plunger, related to the previous
toilet joke bit in the movie) Yeah! We showed those (bleeps) whos boss! That
430-somethin car explosion turned those walkin Power Macs into Apple-sauce!
CYNTHIA: (Melodramatically) Theyre dead...all dead...
ARNOLD: (Grimly looking over a pile of broken/destroyed Robo-Killers, with
Cynthia and Sigourney in both arms) Yah.... (music builds to a crescendo, as the camera
zooms in on his face) But deyll be *BACK*. (The film cuts to black, as the credits
roll, with a rap tune that sounds vaguely like the old song "Tainted Love" plays
[We see the crowd of attendees walk out of the theater, conversing with
themselves...they seem reasonably excited....theyre followed by our protagonists...]
BRAIN: (Noting the excitement) Yes! Soon, "Lethal Intellect" will enamorate
the entire populace of low-brow theater goers...theyll *all* want to worship the one
who brought them such imbecilic, low-brow fare---*ME*! (Realizes what he just said)
Er....perhaps I should rephrase that...
BILLIE: Come on, Eggy...weve got a wrap party to go to... (To Pinky) First one to
Chunk E. Cheesys gets to play in the ball room!
PINKY: Large colorful balls the same size as us? Oh, goody! HAHAHAHA!
BRAIN: (Sighs) Celebrate now...but once the box office tallies come in, well soon
see a much greater "wrap party"...a *global* sized one!
[We see them all exit....several days later, back at the lab, we see the mice (sans the
rest of the cast, whove all gone home) are gathered around the TV set watching
"Entertainment Today"; Mary Hartless is on the screen...]
MARY HARTLESS: ...and thats how soon Puff Daddy expects to settle the various
lawsuits against him from the producers of every rap album released in the past 15 years.
And now, turning to this weekends box office ratings...
BRAIN: This is it....our assured success!
PINKY: Im all a-tingle! Though I think its just from leaving in that
conditioner too long...
MARY HARTLESS: And the numbers are *in*! Grossing $85 million in its opening weekend,
the top film and biggest smash debut of the year is... "Mulan Rogue", the
charming story about 19th century lovers and the tragedy they face during the
Spanish-American War when one is called away to become a correspondent/cartoonist about
the war for the Baltimore Sun, while the other becomes a wealthy sophisticate. This
mismatched romance between a (chuckles) *cartoonist* and sophisticate is Mirafaxs
biggest-grossing debut to date this year and---
BRAIN: *WHAT*?!? Thats impossible! Why isnt "Lethal Intellect" at
the top of the list?!?
BILLIE: Gee, I dunno...
MARY HARTLESS: Lots of boyfriends were dragged to seeing *this* blockbuster by their
GUY BEING INTERVIEWED: I know, its a "chick flick", but....what can I
say? That chick who placed the lead actress was *hot*! Schwing, baby! (Laughs a la Beavis
BRAIN: (Annoyed) But *our* film had plenty of low-brow physical appeal! Why didnt
those hormonal clods pay to see *our* film?!?
BILLIE: Maybe its still in the top five, Eggy...
MARY HARTLESS: The other top five films were: #2: Thrown Away, starring Tom Franks; #3:
Crouching Tigger, Hidden Petes Dragon, the delightful new Disney epic; #4: Nearly
Famous, the entertaining dramedy set in the early 70s, and #5: The Fifth Sense...
MARY HARTLESS: As for this weekends much-hyped release of "Lethal
Intellect", box office buzz mostly centered around everything *but* the film itself:
the merchandise at McDonalds is doing fairly briskly, but regarding the film
itself, buzz has it that its all "been there, done that"...
ROGER EBERT: This films just another repetitive action film...and not a very good
one at that. I spent the time counting the number of windup-thingies that were on those
Robo-Killers backs! But there was one bright point...
ROGER EBERT: At the premiere before the film started, there was quite the fight scene
between various actors from the film, a robot of some sort, and director Jim Macaroon...a
fight scene which proved to be probably the most entertaining scene Ive seen this
year! (Drags over a Powerbook) fortunately, someone at the film who had a video
camera managed to capture this on film, and put the results online for all to see for
MARY HARTLESS: As it stands now, that clips been the most heavily downloaded and
circulated item on the Internet all year...the videotaper of the films currently in
talks with Arnold Schwartzenegger and Sucker Bros. Studios to produce a film called
"The Bare Sandwich Project", which would feature amateur footage shot of various
mindless fight scenes and "Final Confrontations" strung together...
GUY WITH CAMERA: Whoa....good thing I got this camera past that short guy who was
standing near the door! Or else Id like, uh, never get to make zillions just
shooting Arnold doing a buncha fake fight scenes and, like, stuff....
[Brain and Billie turn to Pinky...]
PINKY: Uh....well, you see, there was this shiny object he was holding, and---
BRAIN: Forget it, Pinky.
MARY HARTLESS: As for "Lethal Intellect" itself, between this online frenzy
and the top five releases, it never even cracked the top 10....looks like we can expect it
to make its main splash on a video shelf near you alongside "Battlefield: Mars"
[Cut to Axel being interviewed...]
AXEL: (Annoyed) (BLEEP)! Another (bleep)in bomb right after
"Life"....Ill never live this (bleep) movie down... (realizes something)
Uh....but yall are buyin those toys from M*ckeyDees, right? Just keep
doin that, OK? The Main Man needs the dough! (Staccato laugh) Heh...heh....heh---
[Brain clicks the TV off...]
BRAIN: (Irate) Bah! I cant believe it! I gave those mindless masses everything
they could want in a film---*EVERYTHING*!!! How---*HOW* could they turn it down?!? It had
*438* car explosions, for Pavlov's sake...
BILLIE: Well, Eggy, maybe we just released it during a tough weekend...I mean, all
those other films did seem pretty tough to beat, even with the WWF crowd shelling
out...and I gotta admit, Ive been dyin to see that "Mulan Rogue"
BRAIN: I suppose you might be right. Perhaps the adage is true, that "the bigger a
film is hyped up, the worse it ultimately is..."
PINKY: And our film was *really* hyped up! NARF!
BRAIN: Indeed... (sighs) But that must all be put behind us now. Come, we must plan for
PINKY: Why, Brain? Whatre we gonna do tomorrow night? (Gasp) Make a TV special
for Fox called "When Actors Attack?"
BRAIN: No, Pinky...the same non-low-brow manner in which we carry out our plans *every*
night: *TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD*!!!
PINKY: Oh, right... (pauses, then starts playing with one last remaining
Robo-Killer lying nearby) HAHAHAHA!
BRAIN: Well, *some* of us will be carrying out plans in a higher-brow manner at
[Cut to the outside of the lab, as the closing orchestra music plays out....]
SINGERS: Theyre Pinky, Billie and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.... (an
explosion is heard, which rattles the screen; smoke emerges from the labs windows)
PINKY: (Off-screen) Oooh, sorry, Brain....
[The closing chords play, signifying....]
Pinky/Guy With Camcorder: Rob Paulsen
Billie/Mary Hartless: Tress MacNeille
Brain: Maurice LaMarche
Sucker Bros. Studio Owner: Steven Spielberg
Axel Foley: Eddie Murphy
Puff Daddy: P. Diddy, or Sean Combs, or whatever hes calling himself this week
Molly Ringwald: herself
William Shatner: himself
Adam West: himself
Halle Berry: herself
Sigourney Weaver: herself
Arnold Schwartzenegger: himself
Jim Macaroon: James Cameron
Verminator: Dan Castellaneta
Pinky, Billie, Brain, ACME Labs, "Pinky and the Brain", "Youve Got
Mail", "Dawsons Creek", and related indica © 2001 Warner Bros. and
Amblin. Used without permission.
Verminator, Batman © Warner Bros. and DC Comics, used without permission.
The Powerpuff Girls © Cartoon Network, used without permission.
Axel Foley © Paramount Pictures, used without permission.
Pokemon © Nintendo, used without permission.
"The Pickup Artist" © ???
"Teaching Mrs. Tingle" © ???
"Home Alone", "The Simpsons", "Aliens" © 20th
X-Men © Marvel Comics.
Samsonite © Samsonite Co.
Coca-Cola and related indica © Coca-Cola Corp.
Powerbook, iMac, and related indica © Apple Computer.
McDonalds © McDonald Corp., used without permission.
"Sugar Sugar" by the Archies.
"Tainted Love" by Soft Cell.
"Tiger Claws", "Tiger Claws 2", "Lady Dragon", "Rage
and Honor" © Image Studios(?). (Yep, theyre actual films folks)
Robo-Killers created by Craig.
"Titanic" references dedicated to:
How much money "Lethal Intellect" will ultimately rake in:
Dont forget to catch "The Making of Lethal Intellect" after the
"Mass Quantities of Meowth" Poke-marathon on the WB!