The Return of Zalgar
by Jennifer Lynn Weston
(The mice are in the Acme lab. [How they got back there is another episode.] Brain is
using one of the lab computer screens to help explain his latest world domination scheme
Brain: This, Pinky, is the Space Shuttle on launchpad at Cape
Carnival. It is presently being prepared for its latest mission; to release a
chemical payload into the upper atmosphere to help repair Earths pollution-damaged
ozone layer. When that shuttle lifts off, you and I shall be aboard it.
Pinky: (concerned) Were not going to sabotage the mission, are
Brain: Certainly not- its hardly in our interest for my future
domain to lack sufficient shielding against ultraviolet radiation. We shall simply alter
the pattern of dispersal. (Jumps on the PC keyboard buttons to animate the graphics) Using
internet resources, I have made extensive study of the shuttles mechanisms. I shall
take control of the steering, and maneuver the shuttle so the released payload shall spell
out the words Brain Is The Rightful Ruler of Earth in great glowing letters
visible around the globe. (computer simulation shows the shuttle doing this) Such a
display will surely impress the populace to such an extent as to facilitate my rise to
Pinky: Egad! Brilliant! No, wait...
Brain: And why wont it work this time, Pinky?
Pinky: (aside) This routine is getting too predictable. (to Brain)
Because the shuttle liftoff is tomorrow afternoon. How can we get to Cape Carnival by
Brain: (rubbing chin) I have to admit, that is problematic...
Pinky: (noticing a discarded newspaper on the lab counter) Hold on! No
(They both study a bold-face item among the Want Ads.)
Pinky: Wanted: Two Riders for Road Trip to Cape Carnival
[must not be oversized.] Possible Opportunity to View Shuttle Interior Before Liftoff. Be
at Lewis Lane Park at 9:00 PM . Thats convenient, isnt it?
Brain: (frowning) Yes, a little too convenient. But, it would seem to
be our best chance. Come, Pinky; we have just enough time to get there by 9.
(They exeunt stage left.)
(The mice ride a car bumper to the park, jump off, and enter. Its a spacious
walled area, with curving sidewalks, benches, and a fountain in the middle w/ adjacent pay
phone. The mice walk all the way to the center, but see no sign of life.)
Brain: (wary) No parking spaces anywhere nearby- not the most convenient
place for a car pool to meet. (They pause beside a bench.) Pinky, are you pondering what
Pinky: I think so, Brain. (jerks thumb toward the fountain) But how
can the cars pool here, when the pool isnt even big enough for people?
Brain: No, Pinky. Im wondering whether the party who placed that
ad did so to...
(Suddenly a greenish humming spotlight switches on right next to them, illuminating the
bench, which breaks loose and floats upward.)
Brain: ...to lure us into a trap. (The mice back nervously away.)
Pinky: (scared) Brain! Whats that? (He points up to the
beams source - a hovering dark spacecraft, shaped something like a stomach.)
Brain: Ive got a really bad feeling about this. (The spotlight
starts to move toward them) Run, Pinky!
(The mice try to flee toward the entrance, but the beam blocks them. They run the other
way, in a zig-zag pattern. The beam follows, sucking up more benches and waste cans as it
comes, herding them toward the wall.)
Brain: Weve got to get out of here before it corners us! (Brain
spots a drain hole in the base of the wall) Look! We can escape it that way!
(They make a dash for it- but less then a yard away, Pinky trips on a discarded
cigar, falls full length, glances back to see the beam is almost on him.)
Pinky: (urgently) Brain! Help!
(Brain halts, dashes back to grasp Pinkys hand, hurries to the hole and
practically throws Pinky inside. But just as Brain is about to follow, the green light
engulfs him and hes drawn upward.)
Pinky: (muffled, from inside hole) Brain? (Popping his head back out)
(Low-angle view of frightened Brain floating up to the round opening at the bottom of
the spacecraft. He waves a final goodbye to Pinky as the retracting beam pulls him inside,
the opening clangs shut, and the ship speeds away.)
Pinky: Brain!! Come back! (He darts from the hole, jumping around and
frantically waving his arms toward the retreating craft) Brain! Ill get help!
Ill call 911! (Pinky dashes to the pay phone, dislodges the receiver, but then
remembers.) Oh no! I dont have a quarter!
(He notices a number of coins gleaming in the fountain basin, runs over to it and dives
(Cut to the spaceship interior. Brain, nervous, still floats in the greenish beam;
everything beyond it is pitch black. Theres a sound like a light switch, the humming
stops and Brain falls a few inches, to the one lighted circle on floor. He gets to his
feet, regarding the surrounding darkness apprehensively.)
Brain: Could we please get some lights on in here? (The lights come
on. Brain finds hes surrounded by four mean-looking robotic creatures, each five
times his size. They have weapons that look like old fashioned pointy can openers, sharp
spikes protruding from their heads, and white circles on their chests labeled Thing
1, Thing 2, Thing 3 and Thing 4. Thing 4 carries
Brain: (glumly) Actually, that didnt improve things at all.
(The Things move in on him. Things 2 and 3 seize his arms, Thing 4 uses the rope to tie
his hands behind his back.)
Brain: Ouch! Careful; I bruise easily.
Thing 1: (talking into a wrist communicator) The prisoner is secure,
Captains Voice: (too distorted to recognize) Excellent! Bring
him to the bridge immediately.
Thing 4: Move it, large-headed Earthling. (He prods Brains back
with the can opener. Things 2 and 3 lead Brain out, followed by Things 1 and 4.)
Brain: What are you doing?
All Four Things: Taking you to our Leader.
Brain: (muttering) Ask a stupid question...
(Meanwhile, in the park, a sputtering Pinky swims to the surface of the basin with a
coin in hand- there are already several others scattered on the fountains rim.)
Pinky: (examining his latest find) Another deutschmark! Drat those
German tourists! (He tosses the coin aside aside and goes under once more.)
(Aboard ship, Brain is led into the control center- kind of a demitasse version of
Capt. Kirks bridge. A picture-window viewscreen dominates the far wall, beneath it
is a wide semi-circular console, covered with lights, switches, etc, and with several
Thing-sized station chairs, empty at the moment. The only occupied chair is the
high-backed human-sized one at the central Navigational station; a vaguely familiar figure
crouches over the steering wheel there, his back to the approaching procession. As
Brains escort brings him to a halt, the figure folds his arms and swivels around in
his chair, to smile maliciously down at Brain.)
Brain: (gasping in horrified recognition) Zalgar!
Zalgar: (inflection and mannerisms a la Khan) You remember me! I
cannot help but be touched.
Brain: (snappish) What do you want from me?
Zalgar: (reaching to massage Brains head between thumb and
forefinger) The same thing Ive always wanted from you, you delectable little rodent.
I think you recall.
Brain: (tense, but tightly controlled) You want to eat my brain.
Zalgar: Just so. Still the most palatable morsel this backwater planet
has ever produced. (Zalgar sniffs Brain closely, Brain recoils as best he can.) Do I smell
fear? Excellent; a little extra adrenalin will greatly enhance the flavor.
Brain: (through gritted teeth) Will you stop gloating and get on with
Zalgar: Not quite yet. (He gestures to his minions; they lead Brain to
the right, to a much smaller chair adjacent to Zalgars) First, there is the matter
of retribution, for that notably inhospitable way you treated me on my previous visit.
(Still tied, Brain is strapped into the smaller chair. The Things scatter to their various
stations at the console. Thing 4 takes the security-monitoring station closest to Brain.)
Zalgar: (turning back to grip the steering wheel) Before I imbibe, I
shall force you to watch as I, Zalgar, accomplish what you have always vainly sought to
do. I shall... Take Over The World!
Brain: (unimpressed) Thats easier said then done.
Zalgar: When I placed that newspaper ad to ensnare you, I was not
being entirely duplicitous. We are indeed on our way to Cape Carnival for the shuttle
launch- but when it takes off, it will be loaded, not with ozone-layer sealant, but with a
formula of my own devising, which shall destroy Earths remaining ozone. Without the
ozone shield, solar-radiation bombardment will make most of this planets surface
uninhabitable. Humanity shall be forced to relocate underground, and amidst the chaos, I
shall seize control. And so I shall become Absolute Ruler! (Maniacal laugh)
Brain: Quite a bit of trouble to go through, just to spite me.
Zalgar: Itll be worth it to see you seethe with envy. And to
work up a proper appetite. (Zalgar condescendingly chucks Brain under the chin; Brain
angrily chomps his finger.) Ow! (Zalgar shakes his wounded finger, glaring at
his prisoner.) That was an infantile gesture, Brain.
Brain: I just wanted to see how you liked being treated as a repast.
(Thing 2 steps around to bandage Zalgars finger.)
Zalgar: Ill deal with retaliations later. Right now, Ive
got an appointment to keep. (Zalgar manipulates a few controls- wincing from his hurt
finger- while Brain observes carefully. Outside shot of the ship gaining speed and
racing away in the night.)
(Back at the phone booth, a dripping-wet Pinky manages to drag a quarter up to the
slot, deposit it, and punch in 911. Cut to the operator at the Emergency Response Center-
who rather resembles Lily Tomlin- as she takes the call.)
Operator: One ringy-dingy. Two ringy-dingys. (opens line) This is 911.
Specify the nature of your emergency.
Pinky: Help! My best friend has been kidnapped by a UPN!
Operator: By United Paramount Network?
Pinky: By a UHF... a UPS... by one of those big saucer thingees!
Operator: Just one moment, sir: Ill connect you with the proper
(Her finger hovers over the buttons on her console: Fire Dept,
Ambulance, Plumbers Available On Weekend, Definitive
Authority on Spectator Sports, and then she presses the one marked UFO
(The Hotline rings at Z Files Headquarters, where Agent Skullbone answers. Agent Moldy
is in background, beside a large electronic map of North America.)
Skullbone: This is the UFO Abduction Center, Agent Skullbone speaking.
Please state where and when your incident occurred, and include a brief description of
craft and aliens involved, if possible.
Pinkys Voice over speaker phone: It happened just now, at Lewis
Lane Park. My friend, Brain, he was pulled up into this big flying thing, like a huge
Skullbone: (momentarily covering the mouthpiece) I think we have a
real loony-toon here, Moldy. (to Pinky) Let me make sure I understand. Your friends
brain was pulled into a stomach?
Pinky: No, no! A spaceship! It looked like a stomach! It grabbed
Brain, and then it flew away!
Moldy: (routine) Ill check it on radar. (He starts punching into
the maps keyboard.)
Skullbone: Your friend is named Brian?
Pinky: Hes Brain! Now hes gone, and I dont know if
Ill ever see him again! (cries)
Skullbone: (as one would sooth a child) There, there; try not to cry.
Were doing our very best to...
Moldy: (surprised) Hey! Ive got a blip here!
(A tiny blinking dot moves on the US map. Skullbone looks over with new interest, as
Moldy types some more.)
Moldy: Ill see if our computer records can match it with
anything weve seen before. (A window pops up; Positive ID.) The
configuration is different, but the energy signatures on this bogey match an alien craft
downed near Devils Doughnut Monument last year. (Brief flashback, showing how
Zalgars first vessel came to grief.)
Skullbone: Are you referring to the mysterious brainship?
Skullbone and Moldy: (realization hitting them simultaneously) BRAIN
Skullbone: (to Pinky) Stay right where you are- were on our way!
(Outside shot of Zalgars ship speeding thru dark skies, toward a very distant
Brain VO: You wouldnt happen to serve complementary meals on
Zalgar VO: Sorry, Brain, thats a privilege reserved exclusively
(Interior shot, Zalgar shaking the hand with the bandaged finger.)
Zalgar: You deserve worse, for compromising my digital dexterity.
Thing 4! Take over gripping the port side of this steering wheel. (Thing 4 abandons the
security station to do so.) ETA, Thing 3?
Thing 3: (with Chekovian accent) Three point four hours, Seer.
(Zalgar pushes one of the consoles many buttons to bring up a tiny TV set,
showing the shuttle on the launchpad, delivery trucks at the base, and the sun starting to
rise beyond it.)
Zalgar: Ah, there it is, completely unsuspecting of the dire fate
which awaits it!
Brain: (coldly) Theyll be on the lookout for you, Zalgar.
Remember that Pinky slipped through your claws. Hell have sounded the alert by now.
Zalgar: (scornfully) Pinky? That idiotic friend of yours with the
inedibly small brain? (illustrates w/ thumb and finger) I doubt hes even found his
way out of the park yet.
Brain: Ive learned not to underestimate what Pinkys idiocy
can accomplish. Hes probably closer then either of us suspects.
(Camera pan from the ship to a highway far below. Outside view of Z Files car.)
Pinky VO: Thats almost it, but it was a little, how do you say
(Cut to car interior. Moldy is driving, using the dashboards radar scope to track
the blip. Skullbone is typing into a laptop computer, trying to complete an image of the
ship Pinky describes. Pinky himself is seated on the backrest between the two agents.)
Skullbone: (showing Pinky the graphic, now distinctly gastric-shaped)
Is this better?
Pinky: (nodding vigorously) Yes! Thats what the flying thingee
looked like! The one that took Brain! (pulling his tail with worry) Oh, I do hope
Skullbone: (to Moldy) What kind of civilization builds space-going
vehicles in the shape of digestive organs, anyway?
Moldy: I would theorize, a society primarily concerned with internal
matters. Most probably with eating.
Pinky: Eating? (gasps as he realizes) Its Zalgar! Hes come
back to eat Brains brain! Just like the first time, when he came in the Brainship!
(Skullbone and Moldy look sharply at Pinky.)
Skullbone: How do you know about the Brainship?!
Pinky: (jumping all around the car in acute anxiety) Weve got to
save Brain! Hes the only real friend I have and its all my fault Zalgar caught
him because I tripped on the cigar and Brain came back for me and weve got to find
him! (Dissolves into tears)
Skullbone: (to Moldy, indicating Pinky) What planet is he from?
Moldy: One conundrum at a time, Skullbone. Its at least apparent
this extraterrestrial Zalgar is quite probably dangerous- capable of consuming
cranial contents without remorse. (checking the scope) And he seems to be headed straight
for Cape Carnival.
Pinky: Cape Carnival! Brain and I were trying to get there, for the
Moldy: And the shuttle launch is today. (Flips open his cell phone)
Put me through to the military base on Cape Carnival.
(At Cape Carnival, an officer answers the phone, papers are hastily dispatched to the
top brass, orders are given, radar scopes are tuned, a ground-based missile aimed and
(Aboard the target, Brain is making a careful study of the console, especially the
small Repair Access door at its base. When a light on Thing
4s abandoned station, labeled Incoming Weaponry, begins to blink, Brain
decides a diversion is in order.)
Brain: I have to admit, Zalgar, the gastric configuration of this
spacecraft is noticeably more stylish then your last one.
Zalgar: Yes, isnt it!
Brain: And is this real leather upholstery? It must have cost you a
Zalgar: (beaming with pride of ownership) I know it was an indulgence,
but sometimes having the best is worth the... (suddenly suspicious) Say, you wouldnt
be trying to distract me with flattery, would you?
Brain: It would be futile to attempt such an obvious ploy on someone
of your intelligence.
Zalgar: Thats good, because it would never... (even more
suspicious; he gives Brain his undivided attention.) Wait a minute; youre doing it
Brain: That would be pointless, since there is no appreciable
probability of success. Zalgar: No, there isnt, so dont even think about
Thing 3: (finally noticing the warning light) Ceptain! Ve have an
Zalgar: Not now, Thing 3! Now listen, you mendacious mouse, if I ever
catch you even trying such an insulting tactic as that, Ill...
Thing 3: Ceptain! Ve are on a collision course!
Zalgar: (his head coming about 180 degrees) WHAT?
(The approaching missile is now visible through the viewscreen.)
Zalgar: (frantically yanking back the wheel, dislodging Thing 4)
(The gastricship dives steeply, barely avoiding the missile. Thing 4 goes THUD against
the ceiling, head-spikes breaking off and flying like projectiles. Brain dodges his head
as one spike impales his chair back, just where his neck had been. As the ship levels off,
Brain pulls the spike loose with his teeth, drops it behind his own back, starts to rub
his wrist bindings against it. Thing 4 unsteadily picks itself up off the floor.)
Zalgar: Drat! We must be within range of the humans primitive
radar systems. Thing 3, decrease our altitude, and change course to approach from the
Thing 3: But Ceptain, it vill take us twice as long to get there.
Zalgar: (settling back in his chair in a self-satisfied way) Oh, we
have time. The shuttle launch isnt until afternoon. In the meanwhile, Brain and I
can pass the time discussing culinary matters. (Zalgar looks toward Brain, who turns a bit
sideways to better conceal the spike.) So, would you like to hear accounts of memorable
cerebrums Ive dined upon?
Brain: (haughty tones of a connoisseur) Personally, I prefer a
well-aged stilton, accompanied by a fine beaujolais.
Zalgar: Stilton? Do you mean (with total disgust) cheese?
Partially-decomposed bovine secretions? Repulsive stuff! (From-the-back view of Brain as
he continues to rub. As the bindings are severed, he keeps his hands where they are,
gripping the spike.)
Brain: Dont knock it until youve tried it, Zalgar.
Zalgar: Ive tried them all- do you forget Im an
interstellar gourmet? (counting off on his fingers) Ive imbibed provolone, brie,
remoudou, wensleydale, chedam, edelpilzkase...
Brain: (murmuring, as Zalgar prattles on down the list) Im going
to need another diversion soon; eventually hes going to run out of cheeses.
(In the Z Files car, Moldy lowers his cell phone grimly.)
Moldy: Carnival reports they fired at the bogey but missed. (checking
his scope) And now its dropped off the radar screens.
Skullbone: We know he was heading toward the shuttle base. Our most
promising course of action would be to continue in that direction.
Moldy: Agreed. Lets just hope were not too late.
Pinky: (chewing his fingernails to the quick, as he pictures what
Brain would look like without a brain. Pretty gruesome.) I hope so too!
(Outside shot of the gastricship, now flying so near to the sea it skims the waves.)
Zalgar VO: Now this is the way to approach undetected! All we have to
do is keep close to the ocean surface, and well pass for a somewhat unusual-looking
(Interior shot: Zalgar so relaxed hes tilted his chair to the reclining position,
resting his feet on the steering wheel, as he contemplates the ocean view.)
Zalgar: And once weve docked on the shore, it will be an easy
matter for my diminutive minions to sneak aboard the shuttle, and convert its cargo
of ozone-replacement into ozone-denaturing gas!
Brain: (under his breath) Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
Zalgar: (licking his chops as he glances toward Brain) And then; it
will finally be time for my well-deserved...
Thing Two: Captain! Look!!
(The viewscreen is being obscured by a huge spouting mountain of whale. Zalgar and his
Things do the standard Loony Toons freakout scream, before Zalgar grabs the wheel and
spins it hard to port.)
(Outside shot of the ship turning on its side, barely missing the great beast.
Inside, the bridge tilts violently and the whole crew falls from their chairs, a la Star
Trek. As the interior straightens, Brain slips off his straps, drops to the console base
with spike in hand, and pries open the repair access.)
Brain: Thank you, Greenpeace! (He darts into the console interior,
latching the door behind him. The console interior is a mass of relays and circuitry, with
a recognizable steering column running down the middle. Brain regards it like a familiar
Brain: Zalgars civilization appears to have produced system
components very similar to those of the space shuttle- a most interesting example of
convergent technology. (He gets to work rearranging stuff, using the spike as needed.)
(Back on the bridge, Zalgar and the Things climb painfully back to their stations. But
just as Zalgar is regaining his equilibrium, he starts, seeing Brains empty chair.)
Zalgar: (angrily) The prisoner has escaped! Thing 2! Thing 4!
Find him at once! (Thing 2 and the de-pointed Thing 4 draw weapons and fan out to
search.) He wont get far; theres no way he can leave the ship. (On screen, the
shuttle launch pad starts to come into view.) Ah, theres my objective at last! Well,
strictly speaking, my means to an end, which is itself a means to another end, but
lets not be pedantic.
(Inside the console, Brain completes the assembly of his own navigation station, with a
bent wire for a steering wheel and the miniature TV serving as his view screen. Just one
thing left to do; he goes over to the original steering column, which has buttons marked
Disconnect Steering Shaft and Reconnect Steering Shaft [Warning:
Stand Clear of Console Until Reconnection Is Complete].)
(Things 2 and 4 report back to Zalgar)
Thing 2: Sir! Search results are negative, Sir.
Zalgar: Negative!? Then you havent looked hard enough,
imbeciles! Brain has to be in here somewhere!
(Brain pushes the Disconnect button, and the column separates in the
middle. Zalgar sees the Steering Inoperable panel starting to flash.)
Zalgar: (suddenly very calm) I think weve just located him.
Brain: (pulling back hard on his steering wheel) Now to make us more
(The ship swerves into a vertical climb; Zalgar and the Things fall shrieking to the
far end of the bridge. Brain twists the wheel to send the ship into a roll; Zalgar and the
Things tumble like clothes in a dryer.)
(On the ground, crowds of spectators gathered for the shuttle-launch watch
appreciatively as the gastricship does stunt-flying all over the sky.)
Spectator One: I thought the launch wasnt until 2PM!
Spectator Two: Funny, it doesn't look that round on television.
Spectator Three: Wow! Gnarly air show, dude!
(Finally, Brain levels out and sets the course for a gradual decent.)
Brain: That display should get us some attention from the military.
But I cant keep this up indefinitely; I have to contact someone on the ground.
(At the back of the bridge, Zalgar extracts himself from a tangle of Things.)
Zalgar: Ive decided it isnt enough to eat that little
fellows brain. Im going to turn the rest of him into pate!
(He marches purposefully to the console, points out the repair access to the assembling
Zalgar: Listen up, Things: our navigational console has a serious
mouse infestation. Get in there and bring him out!
(Thing 1 salutes and prepares to apply his can opener to the access.)
Thing 1: (to other Things) Be ready to pull me out of there.
(Thing 2 grasps Thing 1s belt, the remaining Things anchor Thing 2. Thing 1
begins cutting into the door. Noticing this, Brain goes to the entrance, uses his spike to
cut a live electrical wire, and applies the sparking end to the can openers tip.)
(As Zalgar watches, an electrical field envelops the four Things; they light up and
shake as they short out, then crumble into useless blackened heaps.)
Zalgar: (planting fists on hips) Oh, thats just great!
(In the Z Files car, the gastricship blip has reappeared on the scope.)
Moldy: There he is! Hes heading inland.
(Skullbone punches up a Florida map on her laptop, a dotted line showing the
ships course; a looping tangle in the Cape Carnival area, then a straight heading
toward Orlando. A car-shaped blip [labeled You Are Here] shows the
agents location; just about directly in the line.)
Skullbone: What could he want in central Florida?
Pinky: Maybe Zalgar likes orange juice with his meals? (doubletake)
Poit! I really spoke without thinking that time!
Moldy: (frowning at scope) I dont know about his intentions, but
that ship is losing altitude. There could be trouble aboard.
Skullbone: (removing an Interstellar Communications cell phone from
the glove compartment) Ill see if I can listen in on them.
(She tries to tune it, getting lots of static.)
(Aboard, the furious Zalgar uses a scorched can opener-weapon to smash a dial in the
console, making a hole. Brain is forced to flee his improvised navigational station as
shattered glass rains down. Zalgar puts his whole arm through the hole and starts groping
around; Brain is hard-pressed to stay out of reach. The hand tears loose circuitry and
crushes components, but Zalgar persists.)
Zalgar: All right, the game is up, Brain. Surrender now, and I might
be merciful. (aside) Though thats highly unlikely.
(Brain dodges behind the separated steering column. Noticing that Zalgars hand is
getting close to the Reconnect Steering Column button, he maneuvers his tail
to tap invitingly on Zalgars fingers.)
(Zalgars hand grabs for the tail, instead depresses the Reconnect
button. The warning label was there for a good reason; the lower part of the column
reconnects with such force it drives the steering wheel up into Zalgars kisser,
rendering him unconscious in the usual Looney Toons fashion. Stars and galaxies swirl
around his head, then his feet go high in the air as he flops over.)
(Brain pops out of the hole and hurries to the Communications station to switch on the
Brain: Gastricship to Earth.
(In Z Files car, the cell phone starts to speak.)
Brains Voice: Gastricship to Earth.
Pinky: (gleeful) Thats Brain! (seizing the phone) Brain! Are you
Brain: (pleasantly surprised) Pinky! Where are you?
Pinky: Im in a big car on a highway in central Florida, with
agents.. (suddenly disconcerted) Oh no!
(Through the front windshield, Pinky catches sight of the descending spacecraft,
heading in the same direction that an Orlando exit sign is pointing.)
Pinky: We can see your ship coming down, Brain! Youre heading
straight for Orlando!
(On board, an aerial view of Disney World, with its artificial lake, rapidly
expands to fill the viewscreen. Brain is tugging a toggle switch marked Emergency
Brain: I know, Pinky. Unfortunately, most of this ships
navigational system is currently in an unusable condition. The best I can do is try to
point it toward that small lake.
Moldy: (reclaiming the cell phone) Well meet you there! (He
swerves the car to get onto the exit ramp, barely making it.)
Brain: Who was that?
(But he doesnt have time to wonder about it now; a groggy Zalgar is rising from
the floor. Brain ducks behind the speaker.)
Zalgar: Ill make mincemeat outta that... (He snaps to full alertness when he catches
the view on the screen; the lake is coming up fast.)
Zalgar: Time to abandon ship! (Zalgar springs into the
navigators chair, struggles to fasten the seat belt.) Come on, this is an
inappropriate moment to malfunction!
(Taking advantage of Zalgars distraction, Brain quickly jumps to the floor, then
into the chair, tucking himself out of sight under the belt. Just in time, Zalgar gets it
fastened and yanks on the chairs Eject lever. The ceiling opens and the
chair shoots out.)
(Outside shot of the chair clearing the ship, and of a cheerfully-striped parachute
sprouting from the chair top. Swinging
slightly, Zalgar watches as the gastricship plows into the Disney World lake, sending up a
huge splash and coming ashore in a crumpled condition. A crowd of tourists on the bank
applaud the show.)
(Unnoticed, Brain climbs the back of the chair to the parachute attachment, as Zalgar
Zalgar: Ive lost my ship and my robot Things, and Im about
to be stranded on one of the most unfashionable planets in this galaxy, but at least Brain
is out of my life forever!
Brain: (inserting his feet in the ring where the parachute strings
attach, and grasping the pull-out bolt which attaches the ring to the chair) Oh, I
wouldnt say that.
Zalgar: (looking up) HUH?!
(Brain yanks out the bolt, detaching the chair. Zalgar defies gravity for a few seconds
as he frantically tries to grasp Brain, but his chair falls, stretching out the seat belt,
and hes pulled down after it.)
Brain: (gripping parachute strings with one hand, waving sardonically
with the other) Au revoir, Zalgar!
(Still shrieking, Zalgar plummets through the roof of a building marked Employee
Costuming. In the background, Brain floats to a safe landing atop the
Earful Tower [that being the famous water tower with the big black mouse
(Inside the building, Zalgar fights his way out of a huge pile of colorful costumes. He
breaks the surface wearing an orange jester hat, a big turquoise bow tie, and a highly
irate expression. The combination gives him some resemblance to Mr. Jinks.)
Zalgar: I detest that mouse to an inordinate degree!
(A couple sturdy staff members appear, dressed in Fools Festival costumes.)
Staffer: Yeah, dont we all. But you cant hang around in
here any longer, Mac. The Hunchback of Chartres parade is just about to start.
(The staffers take Zalgar by the arms and drag him off.)
Zalgar: (bug-eyed with fear) No! No! Anything but that!
(At lakeside, the Z Files car screeches to a halt. Pinky and the agents hurry out
to look at the wreaked spacecraft.)
Moldy: Now what story are we going to concoct to explain this to the
Skullbone: Youre forgetting where we are, Moldy. (She nods
toward the no-more-then-slightly-interested tourists strolling by, most of them in a hurry
to get somewhere else.) I dont think anybodys even going to report it.
Pinky: But where is Brain? (Looks anxiously around, spots the new,
much smaller set of ears on the water tower.) There he is! (Hurries off to join him)
(Front view of Brain, seated comfortably on the towers apex, looking at something
below with evident pleasure.)
Pinky: (scrambling up behind him) Brain!
Brain: (turning happily) Pinky!
(Pinky hugs him joyfully; for once Brain doesnt object.)
Pinky: Oh, Brain, I was so worried about you! (feeling Brains
head to make sure) Youve still got your lovely large cranium!
Brain: Yes, I do, Pinky. (tactfully extracting himself) How did you
manage to find me?
Pinky: I had help, from two wonderful new friends! Youve just
got to meet them.
Brain: (returning to his seat) Not right this minute, Pinky. First,
lets watch the parade.
Pinky: (enthusiastically) Narf! Oh, it feels good to say that
(He settles down beside Brain.)
(Pullback shot to show the parade, a recreation of the Topsy Turvey number
from Disneys Hunchback movie; crowded with jugglers, acrobats, and all
kinds of gaudily-dressed street performers. And no wonder Brain is enjoying the spectacle:
Zalgar is caught in the middle of it, desperately trying to get out. But the performers
keep pushing him back in; Get back to your position, bud! Zalgar gets a
whole set of very hard juggling balls dropped onto his head, is knocked down and trampled
by stilt-walkers, has a row of tumblers come at him and has to step very high to avoid
them [maybe it looks a lot like John Cleeses funny walk?], and so forth.
As a final insult, hes caught between two very large marching drums that clunk him
on the noggin from both sides as once. Mocking images of Brain orbit his head, and Zalgar
begins to smile and laugh insanely...)
(... and is still doing it as the surrounding scenery changes to a holding cell at Z
Files headquarters. Zalgar is in a straitjacket; Agents Moldy and Skullbone are standing
outside the cell conferring with the agency doctor.)
Moldy: Has he made any reference at all to mutant viral strains,
government conspiracies, or more organ-shaped ships on the way to Earth?
Zalgar: (clearly mad) Earth! Yes, yes; I want to eat the earth! And
take over the Brain! HaHaHaHa!
Doctor: No, all hes done since he got here is babble that kind
of stuff. (sotto voice) And hes been expressing strong antipathy toward... a
Skullbone: A mouse?
Zalgar: (eyes turning bright red) MOUSE! I Hate That
Mouse! I Want To Fillet That Mouse And Par-Broil Him And Eat Him! I HATE
Doctor: But its not difficult to deduce the source of that
fixation, considering where you found him.
(Moldy and Skullbone exchange looks.)
Moldy: Theres no mystery there. (Play a few bars of scary Z
(Outside shot of Acme Lab.)
Pinky VO: It was really nice of Moldy and Skullbone to give us a ride
home, wasnt it?
(The mice are tidying up the lab a bit. Brain, somewhat subdued with fatigue, cleans
the unsightly mouse tracks off the the PC keyboard with a cotton swab, while Pinky
polishes a tape-dispenser to a fine sheen.)
Brain: Yes, Pinky. Also fortuitous that they decided, whether
were of extra-terrestrial origin or not, we pose no threat to the planet.
(Beat) By the way, Pinky, I appreciate your not telling them about my megalomaniacal
Pinky: (checking out his reflection in the dispenser) Well, it just
never came up in conversation.
Brain: Thank you anyway.(Job completed, Brain discards the swab and
Pinky: (with parental concern) You look tired, Brain.
Brain: (rubbing eyes) I guess I am. Its been a long day.
Pinky: (escorting the drooping Brain to the cage) Yes, and youve
had all that excitement, havent you? The parade, and meeting new friends, and being
kidnapped, and saving the world from evil aliens.
Brain: (groggily settling into his bed) That was a rather full
Pinky: (tucking him in) So you just rest up for tomorrow night.
Brain: (barely conscious) Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night?
Pinky: You really are tired. Okay, Ill say it this time. (Raises
a fist, does a decent Brain imitation) The same thing we do every night- try to take
over the world! HaHa! Good one, eh, Brain? Brain...?
(Looks down to see that Brain is sound asleep.)
Pinky: (smiling fondly) I admit, its not as good as my Yakko
THEYRE DINKY, THEYRE PINKY AND...
Pinky: (finger across mouth) Ssshhhh! You wanna keep it down?
theyre pinky and the brain, brain, brain, brain,
brain. (Close iris on Brain, looking extraordinarily cute.)
This is an amateur work and not intended to infringe on the
rights of Warner Brothers, Amblin Entertainment, or any other Pinky and the
Brain copyright holder.
In other words: Please dont sue me; Im not making any money off of this.