|
PINKY AND
THE BRAIN - THE FINAL EPISODE
By Jennifer Lynn Weston, a.k.a. Sharklady
(Author's Note: This piece is not a sequel to any previous Fan Fic, and is certainly not intended to be my last story. It simply represents my idea of a satisfactory ending for my favorite lab mice.) Opening Shot; Interior of Acme Labs, daytime. At the far end of the lab counter, Brain busily types at a computer keyboard. In the foreground Pinky, looking bored, links paper clips into a chain- something he’s evidentially been doing for a while, for a pullback shot of the floor shows the chain piled waist-high. Attaching a last clip, Pinky tosses it aside and saunters over to Brain.) PINKY: Don’t you want to take a break now, Brain? You’ve been at that for a long time. And you know what they say: all work and no play makes Jack... chop down doors with an ax. Or was it beanstalks...? BRAIN: I can’t stop now, Pinky. This is a extremely detailed program- it takes up so much K I’m having to transfer everything to that big data-storage computer in the basement. But this plan is my best chance yet, to Take Over the World! PINKY: (sigh) That same old obsession. And without the amusingly pretentious ad campaign... (‘Data Capacity Reached’ appears on the screen. Brain hits the ‘Download’ button, continues typing.) BRAIN: This is the last part... When I broadcast this subliminal-suggestion signal over the global satellite-communication’s network, it shall implant into the subconscious mind of every human being, a powerful stimulus-response mechanism. The sight of me shall trigger an irresistible urge to ‘Adore and Obey’! PINKY: Haven’t you tried something like that before...? BRAIN: This is a vastly superior program! No need to wait for opportune weather conditions or planetary alliances- we can beam it from the transmission tower behind our lab, the moment it’s complete. (Presses ‘Download’ one last time.) That’s it! Come, Pinky- time to hook it up! (Brain eagerly hurries off. Pinky follows, shrugging in an ‘I’ve got nothing better to do’ manner.) DISSOLVE TO: The base of the Radio tower, to which Pinky attaches the grips of a long jumper cable. He threads the cable’s other end through the basement window, slides down it, and clamps the other grips to terminals at the back of a large computer. Pinky circles to the front of the computer, where a maniacally smiling Brain is entering a last few instructions. The monitor screen lights up; ‘Program Ready.’ Brain steps to the side and grips a switch marked ‘Activate.’) BRAIN: (wolfish) Here’s a moment to always remember, Pinky! All my years of effort, come down to THIS! (Brain slams down the switch. The big computer hums; a sparkling green aura flows along the cable, up the length of the radio tower, and straight into the sky.) PINKY: (eyes widening appreciatively) Narf! Just like the Fifth of July! CUT TO: View of an orbiting satellite being struck by the green beam. The satellite promptly projects the beam to two adjacent satellites, who send it to four more, etc. Pullback Shot of the entire Earth enmeshed in a glittering green web.) (Series of short vignettes, as the beam’s effects are felt all around the world. Children playing with modeling clay smile as they shape it into Brainesque forms. In a Japanese shopping mall, passers-by are intrigued by the white mice displayed in a pet store window. At a certain animation studio in Florida, the artists are suddenly dissatisfied with the black-eared mice they’re drawing; they dip brushes into white paint and give their pictures a new look. In Nigeria, laboratory workers spontaneously turn loose all the experimental rodents. On an isolated Polynesian atoll, a solitary carver contemplating a wood block snaps his fingers as inspiration strikes him. He quickly sketches a stylized image of Brain on a paper sheet, pins it to a palm trunk, lifts a hammer and chisel, and happily gets to work.) (Back at the lab, Brain switches off the computer. The humming stops and green aura fades.) BRAIN: That’s it. Now to test the results! (The mice shimmy up the cable, hurry to the front sidewalk and commence strolling up the street. Everybody catching sight of Brain exclaims in delight. Skateboarding teens, posh cafe patrons, derelicts, a school group viewing a monument, even a mugger and his intended victim, drop whatever they’re doing to follow the mice.) BRAIN: (gleefully looking back at the growing throng of admirers) My plan is working, Pinky! PINKY: (starting to get into the festive mood) I always wondered what that would be like. Poit! It’s almost as much fun as tickling my ears with a celery brush! BRAIN: Pinky, your idea of fun is... (realizing he’s feeling too good to care) Oh well, never mind! (The reach a large park, their fawning entourage in tow. There the ‘Entertainment This Afternoon’ lady, in her usual sequin blazer, holds a microphone before a man who looks a lot like Woody Allen. A filming crew surrounds them, the camera’s ‘Live’ panel prominently lighted.) ETA LADY: This is Entertainment This Afternoon, coming to you live with a rare on-the-street interview with... (just then, she notices Brain walking by.) Who is *that*??! (The interviewer and her filming crew take off after Brain. Allen is affronted- until he sees whom they’re pursuing.) ALLEN: Hey! Wait for me! (He hurries after them.) (The ETA Lady manages to get in front of Brain, and extends the microphone to him.) ETA LADY: (as the camera films) May I know who you are, you magnificently charismatic individual? (Brain answers with great satisfaction. Quick shots of his televised image being watched by various enthralled viewers- bikers in a bar, Flemish folk in a general store, Katie Kaboom’s family in their living room, Tibetan monks in their monastery, and Russian generals at the Polit bureau [the latter subtitled in Cyrillic.]) BRAIN: I am The Brain- a laboratory mouse, genetically engineered for Superior Intelligence. And this is my less-gifted, but worthy friend, Pinky. PINKY: (waving at camera) Hi, everybody! BRAIN: I have spent years in preparation, making myself into the leader this world so obviously needs. And now the time has finally arrived, for me to come forward to offer myself, as your new Global Ruler! (The crowd applauds.) (The last audience shot is of the President of the United States, regarding a set in the Oval Office, nodding agreement.) PRESIDENT: Makes sense to me! (picks up a phone) Sally, could you connect me with that little large-eared guy on the TV? (In the Park, a dark-suited man with shades comes over to Brain and hands him a cell phone.) MAN IN BLACK: Mr. Brain? I have the President on the line for you- he’d like you to take over his job. (Brain reaches for the phone- but is momentarily delayed as Pinky grabs his hand, shaking it vigorously.) PINKY: Congratulations, Brain! You finally did it!! BRAIN: (with a ruthless smile) This is just the first step, Pinky. From here, we’re moving all the way to the Top! (taking the cell phone) Greetings, Mr. Ex-President. CUT TO: Series of newspapers spinning toward the screen- as each one stops, we read the succession of headlines.) HYPER-INTELLIGENT RODENT IS NEW CHIEF EXECUTIVE Polls Indicate 100% Approval (Picture of Brain taking the Oath of Office, atop a tall stack of phone books. Pinky looks like he’s about to topple off the stack.) PRESIDENT BRAIN ANNEXES CANADA, MEXICO, CENTRAL AND SOUTH AMERICA To Great Acclaim Of Citizenries! (Picture of business-suited Brain receiving applause from representatives of aforementioned regions. Pinky does a headstand for the camera.) PAN-PRESIDENT BRAIN ELECTED CHANCELLOR OF EUROPE, AFRICA AND AUSTRALIA Vice-Pan-President Pinky declines post as UN General Secretary; "I Can’t Type!" (Picture of Tuxedoed Brain receiving keys from a row of former leaders from those continents. Pinky twirls the Australian key like a parade baton.) PAN-CHANCELLOR BRAIN PROCLAIMED RULER OF ALL ASIA Vice-Pan-Chancellor Pinky Rescued from Minor Gastronomic Mishap (Picture of Brain, in a formal silk tunic, exchanging bows with delegation of former Asian rulers. Pinky is getting entangled in a bowl of noodles.) PAN-RULER BRAIN AWARDED GOVERNORSHIP OF ANTARCTICA Vice-Pan-Ruler Pinky Proclaims Natives "My Kind Of People!" (Picture of parka-clad Brain, on a snowfield, shaking hands with similarly attired group of officials. Pinky enthusiastically shakes flippers with a bemused penguin.) EXALTED RULER BRAIN TO BE CROWNED EMPEROR OF THE PLANET!! (Picture of Brain and Pinky jumping around excitedly.) CUT TO: The Coronation, in an impressive palatial chamber, ringed with TV cameras broadcasting the ceremony. Beaming dignitaries in attendance include the former President, Momar Kaddaffi, Michael Jackson, the Pope, Margaret Thatcher, the Warner siblings, Castro, George Lucas, Norman Schwartzkoff, Cher, Michael Jordan, Yeltsin, and Sylvester Stallone. Brain, clad in purple and ermine, stands proudly before a pedestal, upon which sits a splendid jeweled crown. Pinky, in a decorated jacket identical to Michael Jackson’s, stands behind him. Following the Napoleonic tradition, Brain himself lifts the crown and places it on his head. Trumpets sound, all the delegates cheer.) DELEGATES: Hail, Brain! Hail Brain! Hail Brain! PINKY: Hail Brain! Sleet Brain! Cloudy with chance of showers Brain! (Brain smiles tolerantly) BRAIN: And now, Pinky, I shall crown you! (Pinky shrinks back apprehensively) No, Pinky- this kind of crown. (Brain displays a golden circlet. Relieved, Pinky ducks his head to receive it.) BRAIN: You are now Sub-Emperor Pinky! PINKY: Poit! Is that anything like a sub sandwich? BRAIN: (completely happy) From now on, Pinky, it can be whatever you want! PINKY AND BRAIN: (giving each other resounding High Fours) YEESSS!!! (All over the planet, huge crowds wave their arms, roaring approval. In space, a passing UFO pauses to listen.) MARTIN THE MARTIAN: My! Those Earthlings certainly are happy about something! (The spaceship moves on.) (DISSOLVE TO: Quickly inter-cut scenes of Brain’s Emperorship. Soundtrack is Antonio Banderas, singing a variation of ‘High Flying, Adored’ [from ‘Evita’.] Throughout the montage, the singer himself pops up in various guises [also a la ‘Evita’.]) (On the Acme Labs site, a huge office building is erected; World Rule Corporate Headquarters. Brain cuts the ribbon at the official opening [Banderas is in the formally-dressed crowd of attendees.] From his opulently appointed Throne Room/ CEO Office, Brain issues his world-improving orders, starting with a mandatory leash law for cats [Banderas is among the people shown giving the reluctant tabbies their walks.] Brain poises for a series of ‘Heroic Image’ paintings, very much like the ones Jacques Louis David did of Napoleon [Banderas is one of the artists.] Under Brain’s direction, a new phonetically-correct ‘English Dicshunaree’ is compiled and delivered to happy librarians [Banderas, in a familiar brown uniform, acts as delivery man.] A thousand statues of Brain are unveiled at prime sites all over the world [Banderas, in Hawaiian shirt and camera, appears among a gaggle of tourists admiring one such statue near the Eiffel Tower.] Every time we see him, Brain looks a little less happy.) (Another newspaper headline informs us, SUB-EMPEROR PINKY TO TOUR WORLD ON FACT-FINDING MISSION! Clips show Pinky engaged in lots of silly-willy activities; tasting the new bacon-flavored pencils at a Brazilian factory, judging a watermelon-throwing competition on the Great Wall of China and a porch-sweeping one on Yap, distributing dental floss at a Chimpanzee Reserve in Kenya, taking the first ride on a giant water slide in Moscow’s Red Square, trying out the entries in a mashed-potato-castle-building contest in Ireland. But occasionally he catches sight of a poster or statue of Brain, and sighs a lonely sigh. Inter-cut shots of Brain being honored at any number of cheese banquets, charity fund-raisers and dedication ceremonies, showing him gradually tiring of the constant adulation.) VOICE OF BANDERAS: Ruler of the Earth! So small, a minute King, A furry large-eared thing, Who guessed the Global Power would be A megalomaniac genius and a mouse...? You were an experiment, Scowling and dreaming, striving and scheming, Ruler of the Earth! You claim you knew it was preordained that All this would be yours- That you’d become the Emperor Over All! And you kept that belief though your failures hurt you so, You were squashed, you were blown up, And your friend was an irritant (da da da da, da da) When you’re a mouse, several feet is quite a fall! Ruler of the Earth! What happens next, where do you go from here? For one on Top of the World, the view is not precisely clear, And rather sad, that it’s all accomplished now... Where will the challenge be? Nothing can thrill you, no task fulfill you, Ruler of the Earth! You worked for this, now you have to run it, Choices to be made Will take up every hour of your day! You have so much approval, it’s quite old to you, All your wishes are granted, You have nothing to strive for now (da da da da, da da) Did you not know World Rule would be this way...? (The final scene is of a miserable-looking Brain on his throne, working at a desk with papers piled high as his computer terminal. As the song ends, he glances irritably to the side.) BRAIN: (snappish) Remove that warbling Latino! (Ralph the Security Guard firmly escorts Banderas out of the room. But Brain’s relief is only partial. He punches up page after page on the terminal, punching the ‘Approved’ or ‘Not Approved’ buttons, seemingly at random. His tired gaze wanders towards a large picture on the wall; the Earth, in a frame of golden hearts.) BRAIN: (sighing deeply) When did it start to go wrong...? RALPH: (stepping back into the office) Emperor Brain, Sir! Mr. Pinky has just returned from his fact-finding mission! BRAIN: (delighted) Send him right in! (Even as Brain leaps to the floor, Pinky runs inside, wearing a tee-shirt which reads ‘I Survived The Pinky World Tour!’ He and Brain embrace joyfully.) BRAIN: Did you have a good trip, Pinky? PINKY: Ooh, yes, Brain! I just wish you could have been there! And I’ve brought you lots of lovely souvenirs! (Pinky’s aide enters, carrying two net shopping bags full of really tacky-looking gift-shop items. Even this gets a rueful smile from Brain.) BRAIN: I’ll look at them later. (to both humans) You can go now. (Ralph and Pinky’s aide step out. The mice sit side by side on a carpet railing.) BRAIN: I can’t express how good it is to see you again, Pinky. All the while you were gone, I haven’t had a single enjoyable day. PINKY: (concerned) You’ve been unhappy? What’s wrong? BRAIN: Everything! I never anticipated that Absolute Power would involve so many headaches! (rubbing his temples) Including literal ones- my sinuses haven’t been clear for weeks. It’s true what they say; Uneasy lies the head which wears the Crown." PINKY: Then maybe you should take it off at bedtime. BRAIN: (drearily) I wish it were that easy. (gestures toward paper stacks on desk) When you’re the top authority, everybody has to get final approval from you for everything. It never stops! There’s no time to do anything else, or even to relax! (Just then there’s a knock at the door. A pretty woman enters, bearing a silver tray.) WOMAN: Beloved Leader! I have brought you your mid-day repast! (She turns the tray to display a delectable assortment of cheeses. Pinky’s mouth waters, but Brain barely glances at them.) BRAIN: (gesturing toward the floor) Just set it down and leave. (The woman obeys, casting worshipful glances behind her as she goes, but Brain pays no mind. Pinky is so startled by this indifference he forgets the cheese.) PINKY: (distressed) Why, Brain! Don’t you even enjoy the adulation of the masses anymore? BRAIN: I’ve discovered that acclaim is meaningless, when it’s artificially induced. I have united humanity under me, but at the price of turning them into robots. (looks pointedly to his friend) In all of existence, Pinky, there’s only one person who likes me, for any reason other then because they’ve been programmed to. PINKY: (tearing up) Oh, Brain! That’s so *sad*! BRAIN: Don’t I know it. I’ve worked so hard, so long, to get where I am... and it’s turned out to be so burdensome, and so hollow... (Brain folds his arms across his knees and buries his face in them. Pinky, thinking harder then he ever has in his life, looks about the room. He notices the oversized picture of Earth, and the heart-studded frame.) PINKY: (slowly) Brain, why did you want to become World Ruler in the first place? BRAIN: (muffled, head still down) Because I love the World, Pinky. You know that. PINKY: Well, remember what the song says? "If you love somebody, Set them free." BRAIN: (looking up) "Set them free?" What do you...? (eyes widening as he catches the implication) Are you suggesting that I should *abdicate*?! PINKY: No. I just thought you could give up being Emperor. BRAIN: (standing, and striking a dramatic poise) I *can’t* do that, Pinky! For the Planet’s sake, I must Rule! The entire human population can no longer accept anybody but myself, as their Leader! PINKY: We’ve still got that data-storage computer in the basement- couldn’t you use it to reverse the programming? (It’s a possibility that never occurred to Brain before; as he considers it he visibly deflates.) BRAIN: (stunned) Yes, I could do that... but, Pinky, if I do that, I’ll lose everything!! PINKY: (standing and taking Brain’s hand) Oh, not *everything*, Brain. You know you’ll still have me. BRAIN: (still stunned) Yes. Always... PINKY: Let’s get to work, then. (He leads Brain out. Brain follows as though in a trance.) DISSOLVE TO: Outside the building, where Pinky clips a top-quality jumper cable to the base of an improved radio tower, threads the other end through the upgraded basement window, and slides down after it. The big computer looks the same as it did before. Pinky hooks the cable to the terminals in back, and goes to the front, where a dazed Brain types in the last instruction and pushes ‘Enter.’ The monitor screen lights up; ‘Modified Program Ready.’) BRAIN: (mechanically) It’s finished. This program will erase all memory of us, and our rule, from every human mind on the planet. PINKY: And did you rig the computer to self-destruct afterwards, so no one will ever be able to use that subliminal thingee again? BRAIN: Yes, I did that too... PINKY: (somber) Then I guess, there’s only one thing left. (They look to the same fateful ‘Activate’ switch. As Brain steps over to it, Pinky moves to stand supportively behind him. But even as Brain takes hold, his eye falls on a discarded newspaper on the floor. The headline reads, BELOVED EMPEROR CROWNED!!, above a large photo of Brain’s coronation. The happiest day of his life... Brain’s lower lip trembles, his feelings welling up.) BRAIN: (anguished) World Rule is what I’ve worked for my whole life! My One Dream!! PINKY: (gently setting hands on Brain’s shoulders) But Brain, if ruling the World hasn’t made you happy, then isn’t it time move on to the next dream? (Two tears well up; Brain impatiently swipes them away. Which eyes clenched shut, he averts his face and slams the switch down.) (Once more, the computer hums as the aura appears- orange now. Repeat scenes of the sparkles flowing along the cable, to the top of the tower, out into space, and springing from satellite to satellite. Pullback Shot of the Earth enmeshed in a glittering orange web.) (Series of vignettes, as the new program takes effect. Children playing affectionately with ‘Brain’ toys are suddenly inclined to punch and throw them around. Librarians gasp in horror, at the sight of the ‘Dikshunairees.’ Tourists looking at Brain statues can’t figure out what they’re supposed to be. ["’Must be somethin’ by Picasso."] On the Polynesian atoll, the wood carver is happily chiseling the last bits from his Brainesque sculpture, when he starts, as if seeing it for the first time. Becoming angry, he holds his nose for a second, then seizes an ax and chops the carving to splinters.) (In the basement, Pinky draws Brain away as the big computer begins to tremble and bleep. There’s a series of small explosions, the aura fades, and the machine collapses into a smoking heap.) (Upstairs, there is great hullabaloo throughout World Rule Corporate Headquarters. The whole staff wonders aloud, what is this place and why are they here, and what’s this weird-looking creature in all the wall paintings? ["How grotesque- what a huge head!" "What’s he got behind his back- a pink lightening bolt?"] In all the confusion, nobody notices as a pair of forlorn-looking white mice make their way across the floor, take a last sad glance backwards, and slip out through the mail slot.) (Outside, it’s a windy overcast day. The few people on the streets completely ignore the drifting mice. Only one being pays them any attention; a large cat, eyeing them hungrily from behind a shop window. Even this is a momentary relief... But the cat loses interest, curling up for nap. Disappointed, the mice trudge on, shivering.) (Eventually, Pinky and Brain pass the city limits and find themselves aimlessly wandering across a barren plain, gray with fog, with leaves and trash blowing about. The mice pause to take note of one paper pushed up against a rock; a child’s crayon drawing of Brain, in regal robes, standing atop a globe. ‘I Luv Emperor Brain’ is scrawled beneath. Brain starts to reach for it, but a gust of wind pulls it loose. The mice watch as the paper blows away out of sight.) BRAIN: (bleakly) Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering? PINKY: (subdued) I think so, Brain. When you’ve spent years trying to take over the world, and you finally succeed, and discover it isn’t what you wanted after all, and give it all up... then what is there left to do? BRAIN: What, indeed. (Brain looks upward. Low Angle Shot of the skies he contemplates, cloudy but dramatically lit. Abruptly, Brain angrily raises both fists to the firmament.) BRAIN: (loudly demanding) WHERE IS THE NEXT DREAM??!! (As the echo from that shout fades, the color scheme brightens, as though the sun has come out. From behind them, seemingly from nowhere, a pair of hands descends and gently scoops up the startled mice. Pinky and Brain find themselves facing a friendly looking man with a brown beard, glasses, and red baseball cap. A patch on his matching jacket reads ‘Steve’.) STEVE: Hello, Brain. Hello, Pinky. BRAIN: (surprised) You recognize us? STEVE: Oh yes, I know you. And I have a place to take you where you’ll always be cared for, and appreciated for what you are. Would you like to come? (The mice look at each other, shrug.) BRAIN: Why not? PINKY: Is it very far? (Pullback shot as Steve turns away from the camera.) STEVE: It isn’t far at all. (Transferring the mice to one hand, Steve stretches out the other. The mists ahead of them part, revealing a glowing castle on a hilltop. It’s very like the one in the last scene of ‘Snow White’, except it has a satellite dish, an escalator going up to the front door, and a big ‘Dreamworks’ banner flapping from a turret.) (Show front view of Steve, with the awed mice, now bathed in golden light.) PINKY: (admiringly) Naarrff! I hope it has an exercise wheel! BRAIN: (smiling hopefully) So *that’s* where the next dream is! STEVE: We never run out of dreams here. (Mice in hand, Steve steps onto the escalator. Pullback shot as they begin the ascent to the castle, music swelling a la Disney.) PINKY’S VO: Say, Brain! Does this mean we’re going to live happily ever after? BRAIN’S VO: Maybe so, Pinky. Let’s just see how the syndication deal works out... ANGELIC CHORUS: They’re Dinky, They’re Pinky And The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain! THE END short to keep ‘one eye on the mirror’ from a dance floor. However, with some slight rearrangement of the lyrics.....) |
