Great "Simpsons" Quotes

[rizwan787]

From Trash of the Titans. Homer is putting out the garbage as the garbage truck guys are driving away. Homer starts yelling insults then:

Homer: "Yeah, I'm talking to you! You trash eating stinkbags!"
*truck screeches to a halt*
Homer: "Uh oh."
*truck quickly reverses and stops in front of Homer.*
Garbage Man 1: "What'd you call us?"
Homer: "Uh, I don't know, alot of people were yelling stuff."
Garbage Man 2: "You called us trash-eating stink bags!"
Garbage Man 1: "Didn't you learn anything from Love Day?"
Homer: "That was yesterday, moron!"

Also

Marge: "Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me today."
Homer: "That's not the way she tells it."

 

[Luna]

This is one of my favorite exchanges in the movie,,,

After Lisa's speech,the town bans dumping in Lake Springfield...

Chief Wiggum: Hey,no dumping in the lake!!!

Fat Tony(obviously carrying a bag with a dead body inside): Fine,I will dump my "yard trimmings" in a car compactor...

Lou:...Chief,I think that was a dead body in there...

Chief Wiggum: I thought that too....until he said "yard trimmings"...You gotta learn to listen,Lou!!!

Gotta love clueless Wiggum...
*******
Also love this line from Bart (who is drunk at the time) after Marge decides to give Homer another chance...

"Congratulations,mom....You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer salesman!!!!"
****
and from the Treehouse of Horror segment where Homer dies after eating broccoli...and comes back as a ghost to see Marge...

Homer: MAAAARRRRGGGE SIIIIMMMPPPSOONNN!!!

Marge: Oh,Homie,I thought I'd never see you again!!!

Homer: YOOOUUU WERE WROOONNNGG MAARRGGEE...DEAD WRRROOONNG!!!

Marge:...Do you really have to talk like that?

Homer:....No,not really...

I just love that Homer thinks he should speak in a "spooky" way now that he's a ghost...

 

[Classic Speedy]

I like this run from Bart's Dog Gets an F:

Woman: Jack, I think the baby might be yours.
Jack: I'm sure it is, but prove it.
Woman: You treat me like garbage.
Jack: Because that's the way you love it, baby. (forcefully kisses her; the woman steps back and removes her dress before they continue)
Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
Marge: Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.

^ Heh. Sounds like Marge watches the show a LOT.

Then later in the program...

Woman: Father McGrath! I thought you were dead!
Father: I -was-!

 

[Luna]

A couple quotes from the episode where Marge and Homer look like bad parents,and Bart,Lisa and Maggie are taken in as foster kids by the Flanders family....

Lisa: Mom, you fuss over us _way_ too much.
Marge: Enjoy it now, because when you're a grownup you'll have to take
care of yourself!
Homer: [whining] Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.
Marge: [as if talking to a child]You did the right thing by telling me.
[walks away] Shoo! Get out of here.
Homer: [sighs] Ah, that's better.

...Homer's more like a fourth child than a husband to Marge sometimes...

after they regain custody,they find out that Flanders has taken the kids to be baptized...

Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going?
Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like
Flanders!
[thinking] I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same
stupid sweater every day and --
[aloud] The Springfield River!

....it actually worked ...

after Homer prevents Bart's baptism,by getting the Holy Water on himself...

Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: [reverently] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo
after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned: [gasps] Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
Ned: Oh, fair enough.

...doesn't take much for Homer to go back to normal...his general annoyance with Flanders probably helped...

 

[Classic Speedy]

From I Married Marge:

Homer: Where's my baby?
Patty (or Selma- forget which): Right where ya left it. (points to Marge's belly)
Homer: Shut up.
Patty (again, forget which): Hey, listen-
Homer: No, YOU listen! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you want to stay, you better give me some respect!
Marge: Homer, does this mean-?
Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
Hibbert: Good God.

^ Homer standing up to Marge's sisters always gives me the good chills. It's just such a well-done scene, has great delivery by Dan Castellaneta, and is one of the few times that Homer puts them in their places. This sort of thing built up the whole episode, which makes it even better. And it ends with a great Hibbert reaction, so it has both emotion AND comedy.

I also like how soon after this, Homer tries to one-up Hibbert by trying to deliver the baby himself. He's on such a proud high. "Oh, a college boy, eh?"

 

[Monterey Jack]

BART: Uh, mom, we can't leave with you blocking the door like that.

HOMER: Push her down, son.

It's Homer's completely unthinking, happy respose that kills me.

 

[rizwan787]

From Treehouse of Horror IV

Lisa: "The only way to get Bart back is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns!"
Homer: "Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?"

Hahahah.

 

[rizwan787]

Mr. Burns: *suggestively* And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex! And I do mean "anything".
Homer: *moans* "Oh, I'm aroused...and confused."

 

[Unwardil]

Lisa: 'Nobody outcrazys Ophelia! Oh Hey nony nony with a whooo and a heee and a...' *sploosh*

 

[Classic Speedy]

From My Sister, My Sitter:

"Pfft. All the best bands are affiliated with Satan."

"Krusty: HEY HEY! Are you ready to get rowdy?!"
Lisa: Excuse me?"
Krusty: Somebody phoned me for an emergency bachelor party."
Lisa: Well there's been a mistake."
Krusty: Well I'm not leaving 'til I get paid! I get $500 just for "hey hey"."

"Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please. Just as I thought. It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow."

^ Wiggum sure knows his barrows.

From The Heart-Broke Kid:

"I'm telling you Bart, one vice leads to another. Then you end up like me: So jaded, the only thing that gets you off is freebasing ground up moon rocks. (does so) All this does is get me to normal."

From Two Bad Neighbors:

"Bar! My motor's gone loco!"

^ I don't know why, but this always makes me laugh. I guess it's because such words are coming out of Bush's mouth.

From The Great Money Caper:

"Now, this little number was in The Sting: Part II, so nobody knows about it!"

^ Zing!

From 24 Minutes:

"Now I don’t have much time so I’m just gonna come out and say his name. So get ready to know his name. His name is the following." (is knocked out)

^ Next time, get to the point.

From I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings:

"Lou: Chief, I think we got a situation here.
Wiggum: Can't a man have one minute with his stuffed monkey? One minute?!
Lou: (under breath) The monkey would make a better chief...
Wiggum: What was that?
Lou: (loudly) I said THE MONKEY would make a better chief!
Wiggum: He's a good monkey all right."

^ Wiggum and co. are usually reliable for comedy, especially the rivalry between Wiggum and Lou.

From Ice Cream of Marge (With the Light Blue Hair):

"Marge: I'm glad someone in this house feels their life has meaning."
"Homer: You're glad? You don't look glad. Are you sure you know what glad means?"

From Bart Gets an Elephant:

Homer: These bills will have to be paid out of your allowance!
Bart: Well, you'll have to raise my allowance to $1,000 a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll DO, smart guy!

From Last Tap Dance in Springfield:

The film "Tango de la Muerte" in general is gold.

"As your wise but alcoholic dance coach, I know that somewhere your father is looking down on you and smiling. Oh, there he is!" (camera pans up to father)

"Que malo! Once again, I must sugar my own churro."

"Only one man was crazy enough to dance that dance, and he is dead!"
"My twin brother, Freduardo. But where he died, I shall live. In his apartment."

From Bart's Comet:

"Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre-Jules-Cesar Janssen!"

 

[rizwan787]

From Natural Born Kissers

Homer: "If there's anything more exquisite than Queen Anne's lace, I haven't found it."

^I love how giddy Homer is about the curtains, and also that he knows what Queen Anne's lace is.

 

[Classic Speedy]

From Viva Ned Flanders:

""And once again tithing is 10% off the top. That's gross income, not net. Please people, don't force us to audit."

From Make Room For Lisa:

Homer: Hey, Marge, what's your favorite radio station?
(later that morning, after Homer's sobered up)
Homer: Well, Marge?
Marge: What?
Homer: What's your favorite radio station?

From Bart After Dark:

Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.

From Treehouse of Horror VII:

"You went into the attic? (gasps) I'm very disappointed and terrified!"

From Pokey Mom:

Marge: Well, I studied art, and this guy's got a real gift.
Warden: You kiddin'? Look: He painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm asking you: What's it breathin'?!
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain't no air in space!
Homer: There's an air and space museum. (is tossed out of prison)

From Itchy & Scratchy Land:

"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just got- fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book... everybody's a sinner! Except for this guy."

From Boy Scouts 'N the Hood:

"Godspeed, little doodle."

From Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song:

"Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion."

From This Little Wiggy:

"Hey, you know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?"

 

[Desensitized]

From Last Tap Dance in Springfield:

The film "Tango de la Muerte" in general is gold.

"As your wise but alcoholic dance coach, I know that somewhere your father is looking down on you and smiling. Oh, there he is!" (camera pans up to father)

"Que malo! Once again, I must sugar my own churro."

"Only one man was crazy enough to dance that dance, and he is dead!"
"My twin brother, Freduardo. But where he died, I shall live. In his apartment."

This episode is horrendously underrated. Almost every other line is gold.

Vicki: A great big sunshine hello to you.
Marge: Hi, Little Vicki!
Vicki: [laughs] That was such a long time ago. I'm just plain Vicki now.
Marge: Alright, I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki.
Vicki: *Little* Vicki.
Marge: But, you just said--
Vicki: So, what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many!

^There's the hint, folks.


Bart: Yeah, it's just like my dad always says:
[Bart opens a thought balloon with Homer in it]
Homer: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion -- the mall has it all!
[Bart runs towards the mall entrance]
Milhouse: [unable to read Bart's mind] What? What did he say?!

^Contrary to what TV tells you, people can't hear your thoughts just because you want them to.


Lisa: What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki?
Vicki: Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that.
Lisa: Yeah, well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction than just "tappa-tappa-tappa".
Vicki: Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt, and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would've killed for tappa-tappa-tappa.
Lisa: Sorry, I'm just frustrated.
Vicki: Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude! You've just got to turn that frown upside-down!
[Lisa smiles]
That's a smile, not an upside-down frown! Work on that, too!

^What the heck is she talking about?


Vicki: I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly not equal is called what, again, class?
Class: Communism!
Vicki: That's right. And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the Allies 'til my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the Reds.

^That's the best line of the entire season, IMO. Out of NOWHERE.

 

[Rho]

"Aw, come on, gravity. You used to be cool."

 

[Napalm Jim]

From Treehouse of Horror III

Mr. Burns: What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think that women and seamen don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.


And from The Canine Mutiny (the one with Laddie)

Milhouse: (referring to Santa's Little Helper)
Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

 

[J. B. Warner]

"Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please. Just as I thought. It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow."

^ Wiggum sure knows his barrows.

I have to say, the wheelbarrow is probably my favorite kind of barrow.

 

[Classic Speedy]

From Secrets of a Successful Marriage:

"I can't believe I paid $10,000 for this course! What the heck was that lab fee for?"

From The Secret War of Lisa Simpson:

"While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. (shows a plastic model of a lady eating a burger with a baby in it) That's right, she's got the "munchies" for a California Cheeseburger."

From Much Apu About Nothing:

"Let bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax!"
"That's home OWNER tax."

And later in the same episode...

"You want to pick on immigrants? THEN PICK ON WILLIE!"
"Willie, please. The students want to pick on someone their OWN size."

And even later...

"Abe's dad: See that, son? That's where we're going to live. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.
Abe: (narrating) Later that day, we set sail for America.
Abe's dad: (pointing to Statue of Liberty) See that, son? That's our new home.
Abe: (cuts to later; Abe is running on the Statue of Liberty) Yay! I love America!
Abe's mom: Abe, supper's on! (back to present)
Abe: We had to move out once we filled the entire head with garbage."

From Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment:

"Listen, rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?"
"...Yes?"

From Burns, Baby Burns:

"Larry: Yeah, uh... Hi, my, my name is Larry. I'm here to see Mr. Burns.
Smithers: Well, I hate to break it to you, Larry, but if Mr. Burns ever wants to see a stranger, he will observe him through a powerful telescope."

^ I love how Smithers says "Larry". Just in that line read, you can tell he doesn't care for him at all.

From 22 Short Films About Springfield:

"Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!"

From King Size Homer:

"Hey fatty, I got a movie for ya: "A Fridge Too Far"!"

From Raging Age Simpson:

"Abe: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles... (children laugh)
Martin: "Dickety"? Highly dubious!
Abe: What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!"

From The Last of the Red Hat Mamas:

"You're like all Easter Bunnies: Can't take a punch to the crotch!"

 

[rizwan787]

From Marge the Lam

Injury Consultant: "Homer, this... this is never easy to say, but I'm gonna have to saw your arms off."
Homer: "They'll grow back right?"
Consultant: "Uh... yeah."

From The Principal and the Pauper

Superintendent Chalmers: *referring to Skinner* "Good lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt!"

 

[Classic Speedy]

From Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming:

"By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it. So don't bother pointing that out."

^ This is one of my all-time favorite Simpsons quotes. Out of this context, I've used it myself on more than one occasion.

From Homerpalooza:

"You guys back there know Grand Funk, right? (silence) Nobody knows the band Grand Funk? The wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner? The bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher? The competent drum work of Don Brewer? Oh, MAN!"

^ I don't know why, but this makes me laugh. Maybe it's how he emphasizes the "er" on every band member's last name.

From The Otto Show:

"Some think there are only five members of Spinal Tap. But, they're WRONG. (nothing happens) Could we turn the house lights up, please? That was the cue to turn up the house lights so we could tell the audience they're the sixth member of the freakin' group!"

^ Nothing better than performing acts gone wrong.

From I'm With Cupid: (I'm paraphrasing this one)

Bart: Mom, would you help me with my science project? I need to make a model of the digestive system.
Marge: Of course!
Bart: Great. It's due tomorrow.
Marge: Tomorrow?! Well that's too bad, mister. I'm not going to bail you out this time.
Bart: (meekly) All right, I understand.
Marge: All right, fine, I'll get you the supplies, but you're building it!
Bart: Okay. (stares at her)
Marge: (beat) Oh, I'll just make the whole thing.

From Crook and Ladder:

Bart: Hey, zombie. Want to come outside and play?
Homer: Zombie kill!
Bart: No, PLAY.
Homer: Zombie file grievance.

And in the same episode...

"You have just been Apu'd!"

From Homer and Apu:

Robber: Don't try any funny stuff.
James Woods: I guarantee you, if I tried any funny stuff, you would be in hysterics.
Robber: Hey, you're James Woods!
James Woods: Oh thank you. Yes, thank you.
Robber: Well Mr. Woods, your next song is gonna be Number 3 With a Bullet!
James Woods: ...I'm not a singer.
Robber: Shut up!

^ Love how the robber continues with his robbery instead of being starstruck and forgetting about it, and of course the joke of not knowing the difference between a movie star and a singer.

 

[Desensitized]

From Homerpalooza:

"You guys back there know Grand Funk, right? (silence) Nobody knows the band Grand Funk? The wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner? The bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher? The competent drum work of Don Brewer? Oh, MAN!"

^ I don't know why, but this makes me laugh. Maybe it's how he emphasizes the "er" on every band member's last name.

I think it's funny because what he's saying aren't really compliments. He's basically saying they're an average band when he's supposed to be building them up.

But then he says this later on:

Homer: Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.

Which anyone who is a fan of rock music knows is absolutely wrong. In fact, 1974 is well regarded as the worst year in rock music history. Emphasizing that Homer really isn't as knowledgeable on music as he tries to come off.

I find it a shame that they knocked this one in the commentary a bit. As a big music fan, it's one of my favorites.