Great "Simpsons" Quotes

[Desensitized]

Here's a long string of great moments:

Skinner: [ominous] Destroy that balloon.
Willy: Aye. [***** a shotgun, shoots into the sky]
[two fighter planes fly overhead]
Pilot 1: Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the
bogey now.
[screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify"]
[screen flashes "Iraqi fighter jet"]
Pilot 1: Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile.
[missile destroys the other plane]
Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile.
[missile destroys his own plane]
Pilot 1: [parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of
the military and put it into health care!
Pilot 2: [parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance,
that's all I ask.
[their parachutes fail; they crash to the ground]
[they start fist fighting]



Also, any time they bring up Skinner's Vietnam past is always hilarious.

My favorites include:

Skinner: *Straightens tie* Copyright expired.


Skinner: Johnny!... JOHNNY!
Bart: Cool, I broke his brain.


I also miss when they used to flirt with the idea of him being crazy. The Psycho moment with the sailor suit was great, and my personal favorite:

Bart: Who names these things [the constellations] anyway?
Skinner: Whoever discovers them. I've been hoping I could find
something that would be named after me.
Bart: And you've never found anything?
Skinner: Once...but by the time I got to the phone, my discovery had
already been reported by Principal Kahoutek...[a cloud covers
the moon; scary music plays]
I got back at him, though...him and that little _boy_ of his.
[the music ends]
Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.

It's just nice to see cracks in someone who's so straitlaced. Shame they don't do that anymore.

 

[Classic Speedy]

Also, any time they bring up Skinner's Vietnam past is always hilarious.

My favorite "Skinner remembers Vietnam" line is from Team Homer:

"The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!"

 

[DarthGonzo]

This is coming from memory so it's probably not 100% correct...

From the first Treehouse of Horror, specifically "Bad Dream House":

Homer: (on the phone) Mr. Plute, when you sold me this house you forgot to mention one thing. You didn't tell me that this house was built ON AN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! (listens) NO, YOU DIDN'T! (listens) Well that's not MY recollection! (listens) Yeah, well...goodbye! (hangs up, turns to Marge) He said he mentioned it five or six times.

^ I love how angry Homer is about this, even though he's not only wrong, he's extremely wrong.

 

[Marvin Tikvah]

I think this is from one of the Bart vs Lisa episodes considering the first quote. It's one of my favorite banters between Skinner and Willie though.

Willie: Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like the English and Scots. And Irish and Scots. And Japanese and Scots. And Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots…THEY RUINED SCOTLAND!
Skinner: You Scots sound like quite a rough bunch.
Willie: You just made an enemy for life.

 

[Classic Speedy]

I think this is from one of the Bart vs Lisa episodes considering the first quote. It's one of my favorite banters between Skinner and Willie though.

Willie: Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like the English and Scots. And Irish and Scots. And Japanese and Scots. And Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots…THEY RUINED SCOTLAND!
Skinner: You Scots sound like quite a rough bunch.
Willie: You just made an enemy for life.

Quite the opposite; it's "Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore", the episode where Bart and Lisa become best friends in the absence of Milhouse.

Another quick couple of faves, while I'm here (from Monty Can't Buy Me Love):

"Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt. All this fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain!"

"Good heavens! What kind of radiola show IS this?!"

^ LOL. Who says "radiola" anymore?

 

[ShadowBlinky]

Homer: "What are you, a travel agent? 'Cause you're sending me on a guilt trip!"

 

[Monterey Jack]

LISA: Dad, if you're the police, then who will police the police?

HOMER: I dunno...Coast Guard?

 

[Classic Speedy]

From Cape Feare:

"Oh no! Dad's been drugged!"
"No he hasn't."

From Treehouse of Horror IV:

"Burns: Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead-
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of that button.
Burns: Well, son of a bit-" (door opens)

^ The cutting off of his swear is timed so well.

From King of the Hill:

"Marge: Anyway, it's time for the church picnic.
Homer: What? They had a picnic last week.
Marge: No, they didn't! You just brought a bucket of chicken to church!
Homer: If God didn't want us to eat in church, he'd have made gluttony a sin.

^ Besides the obvious joke that gluttony IS a sin in Christianity, the mental image of Homer eating a bucket of chicken in a church pew is hilarious.

From Mayored to the Mob:

"Agent: People! This man has actually BEEN in outer space!
Edna Krabappel: Ha! Nobody cares.
Neil Armstrong: This is one small step towards firing your ass!"

From The PTA Disbands:

"Lisa, get in here. (Lisa excitedly comes in) In this house, we obey the LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS!"

From The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson:

Pleasant female voice: Thank you for calling the parking violations bureau. To plea 'not guilty', press 1 now. (Homer presses 1) Thank you. Your plea has been...
Gruff male voice: ...Rejected.
Pleasant female voice: You will be assessed the full fine plus a small...
Gruff male voice: ...Large lateness fee.
Pleasant female voice: Please wait by your vehicle between 9 AM and 5 PM for parking officer Steve...
Gruff male voice: ...Grabowski.

^ Love how every parking officer in NYC is apparently named Steve something.

From Lisa's Sax:

"Teacher: "And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan." So you see children, there is hope for anyone.
Bart: Even me?
Teacher: No."

^ Again, it's all about timing.

From Grade School Confidential:

"Wiggum: These aren't bombs. They're hot dogs. ARMOUR hot dogs!
Chalmers: What kind of MAN wears Armour hot dogs?!"

From Treehouse of Horror V:

"Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those lowlifes.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Burns: Hmm... perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke."

^ So nonchalant about slaughterings, I love it.

From Treehouse of Horror II:

After Smithers requests that Burns put Homer's brain back in his body...

"Oh COME on! It's 11:45!"

^ The delivery of that cracks me up. And 11:45 isn't very late at all. Though I guess it is to an old man like Burns...

From I'm Goin' to Praiseland:

"Hello, Gas Company? How poisonous is your gas? (listens) Wow. But, uh, but I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation, that... (listens) How could that be worse? (listens) Okay, permanent brain damage, or just temporary? (listens) I see."

From Smoke on the Daughter:

"Homer: (regarding a room in the basement) Have you ever wonder what I do in there?
Bart: Gay out?"

From Missionary: Impossible:

"If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief. A common thief!"
"OK, Betty, settle down."
"Sorry, but these thieves just make me so damn mad. You know who you are, THIEVES!"

And speaking of Betty White...

From Homerazzi:

"Homer: Look at those celebrities. I've met them all, and yet they don't even acknowledge my existence.
Betty White: (approaches) Hello Homer, have you lost weight?
Homer: Oh, like you care, Betty White.
Betty White: Tell me, how's Maggie?
Homer: Her name is "Marge!"
Betty White: I was talking about your baby.
Homer: Oh, uh, she's looking very SNAPPY! (takes picture)
Betty White: Thanks for taking my picture. If you want me to sign it, here's a stamped self-addressed envelope, and give Santa's Little Helper a big hug for me. (walks away)
Homer: Yeah, that's right! Just walk away..."

From Itchy & Scrachy: The Movie:

"A master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour."

^ Exciting television.

 

[Desensitized]

"A master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour."

For some reason this made me laugh harder than anything else in this thread.

Bart: "Look at the bus! I was right I tell ya, I was right!"
Skinner: "Right or wrong, you're behavior was still disruptive. Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a mad house will teach you a lesson.
Nelson: "Ha Ha!"

The "remainder of your life" always gets me. He's getting put away for saving their lives noisily.

 

[JD08]

I know Ingrates

From Homerazzi:

"Homer: Look at those celebrities. I've met them all, and yet they don't even acknowledge my existence.
Betty White: (approaches) Hello Homer, have you lost weight?
Homer: Oh, like you care, Betty White.
Betty White: Tell me, how's Maggie?
Homer: Her name is "Marge!"
Betty White: I was talking about your baby.
Homer: Oh, uh, she's looking very SNAPPY! (takes picture)
Betty White: Thanks for taking my picture. If you want me to sign it, here's a stamped self-addressed envelope, and give Santa's Little Helper a big hug for me. (walks away)
Homer: Yeah, that's right! Just walk away

So hilarious I just love how Betty is so charming

 

[J. B. Warner]

From Bart on the Road

Nelson slaps Milhouse
Milhouse: Ow Bart! Nelson hit me!
Bart:........He sure did.

At the end of the episode as the credits roll
Phone Rings
Marge: Oh hello Principal Skinner! No Bart has never been to Hong Kong, goodnight. (she hangs up, phone rings again)
Hello? Tennessee State Police? No my sons car was not crushed in Knoxville. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that.
(Marge hangs up, while Homer starts to hide under the covers, phone rings again)
Hello? No Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to amsterdam.
(Marge hangs up, Homer giggles under the covers)
Homer.........are you laughing at me?

And let's not overlook this gem, probably my favorite quote from the episode...

Martin: I spent our last ten dollars on this talking Al Gore doll!
(He pulls the string.)
Al Gore Doll: You are hearing me talk.

 

[Classic Speedy]

Lenny and Carl quote time!

From Homer Loves Flanders:

Lenny: Hey, Homer's got one of those new robot cars! (it crashes off-screen)
Carl: One of those AMERICAN robot cars.

From Treehouse of Horror XIII:

"Anything for Homers!"

From A Fish Called Selma:

Lenny: Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish weren't true after all.
Carl: Ah, this changes everything; I'd pay to see him in a movie now. If only that were possible.

^ Kind of an underrated line.

From Mountain of Madness:

Lenny: Hey, did you hear something?
Carl: No.
Lenny: Hmm. Did I?
Carl: (annoyed) I don't know.

From Behind the Laughter:

Lenny: He [Bart] paid me and Carl $1,000 to kiss each other!
Carl: ...Hey, did we ever get that money?

From They Saved Lisa's Brain:

Skinner: Excuse me gentlemen, may I have a peek at your gazebo reservation form?
Lenny: Beat it.
Skinner: (chuckles) We both make a strong case.
Carl: What part of "beat it" didn't you understand?
Skinner: Uh, I guess it would be the "it"; I'm not sure to what that refers.

From We're on the Way to D'ohwhere:

"Sorry, can't talk, Homer. I'm too satisfied in every way!"

From I'm Goin' to Praiseland:

"Any religion that espouses carob isn't for Carl Carlson."

From E-I-E-I-D'oh:

Carl: Hey, Lenny, sendin' some outgoing mail?
Lenny: You know it!
Carl: I'll probably send some tomorrow.
Lenny: I hear that! (feign smiles for a couple more seconds and then awkwardly walk away from each other)

^ The ultimate in forced office enthusiasm.

From The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show:

"Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here."

From Springfield Up:

Declar Desmond: Oh, Lenny. Did you ever try that new shampoo?
Lenny: (cheerfully) Nope! Never did! (awkward silence) Wanna watch me pay my cable bill? I have checks with bunnies on 'em! (Declar glares at him; Lenny gets the hint and leaves) I -am- interesting!
Declar Desmond: No, you're not.

From Natural Born Kissers:

Carl: How do you do, ma'am?
Lenny: Hope this evening finds you well.
Marge: Oh, knock it off, you perverts.

From Homer Simpson, This is Your Wife:

"Ain't no party like a Lenny party, 'cause a Lenny party don't stop! (looks at watch) Hey, I've got work tomorrow. I better go."

From C.E.D'oh!:

Lenny: -I- say, "Phantom Menace" sucked more!
Carl: -I- say, "Attack of the Clones" sucked more!

 

[Desensitized]

Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp 5.
[crowd laughs]
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May The Force be with you."
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

^... Quimby really has absolutely no clue, does he?

*At the town hall meeting over spending the town's newly acquired money*
Apu: I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year. As a result, I almost missed work.
Wiggum: [to himself] Cry-baby.

^Yes, how selfish.

Marge: I still think we ought to spend the money to fix Main Street.
Homer: Well, you should've written a song like that guy.

^Ultimate logic!

Homer: Are we gonna die, son?
Bart: Yeah, but at least we're going to take a lot of innocent people with us.

^Well, at least he's got a positive outlook.

 

[rizwan787]

From Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaning. Somewhat paraphrased.

General Hap Hapablap: "Gentlemen we have searched every inch of this air base for Sideshow Bob and all we've found is porno, porno, porno!"
Quimby: "Bring in the, uh, representatives of television."
*Bumblebee Man, Kent Brockman, Krusty and some others enter the room. Krusty sees the piles of porno on the table*
Krusty: "Whoa, now this is my kind of meeting!"

Also

Lisa: "When Bob was on the TV earlier, his voice was higher that normal, and what makes your voice high?"
Bart: "Tight, binding underwear?"
Lisa: "Helium! Sideshow Bob is in the Duff blimp!"

 

[Monterey Jack]

MARGE: Okay, okay, Homer, you're just overexcited. I just need to get some beer into you, then straight to bed.

HOMER: Woo-woo! BEER-BEER-BEER, BED-BED-BED...!

 

[rizwan787]

From Lost Our Lisa
Homer: "Lisa, you can't go this far and not go further!"

And from Trash of the Titans.
Quimby: "All in favor of reinstating Ray Patterson?"
Town: "Aye!"
Quimby: "Mr. Patterson?"
Patterson: "Oh, I can't tell you how gratifying it is to leave you all wallowing in the mess you made, you're screwed, thank you, goodbye."

 

[CrazyChase]

You folks ready for more?

Narrator: The dream was over. Coming up, was the dream really over? Yes it was. Or was it?

Wiggum: Wait a minute--Bronchial tubes clearing...asthma disappearing! Acne...remains, but...asthma disappearing!

^Again, the way Hank delivered it makes it hilarious.

Homer: Ah, 8:58, first time I've ever been early for work. 'Cept for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.

Farmer: Oh, no! The corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.

Bart: I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Thief: Hello.
Homer: All right, pal: where'd you get the sugar for that tea?
Thief: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. Goodbye.

And to cap off this post...

Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

EDIT: Forgot this classic...

Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.

 

[Daxdiv]

From Round Springfield:

Homer: Man these are Premo seats. I could really go for a hot dog.
Marge: HOMER! This is an operation.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here.
Homer: WOOHOO!

Not sure why, but I find humor in Homer wanting a hot dog while watching his son get an operation.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: What are you here for?
Lisa: My brother just had his appendix out.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Is he gonna be OK?
Bart: Hi, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds and I'm a little behind
Lisa: He'll be fine.

Just love Lisa delivery of that line, along with Bart having a drawing on his butt.

Homer: And I won't rest until I gotten a hot dog.
Marge: Homer, this is a cemetery.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs here.
Homer: WOOHOO!
Marge: What do you do? Follow my husband around.
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

I just love how it's a follow up joke, and that Homer has a stalker.

 

[Classic Speedy]

I'm just gonna keep going until you surrender.

From A Streetcar Named Marge:

"I am not an easy man to work for. While directing "Hats off to Channukah", I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders?"

^ Love the unexpected twist on that. And to answer your question, probably.

From Homer vs. Dignity:

"Something's wrong. Terribly wrong!"

^ I don't know why, but this cracks me up. Maybe it's because Lisa is stating the blatantly obvious.

From Viva Ned Flanders:
Ned: This may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun!
Homer: Well well well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky-pants Simpson.
Ned: Heh, heh, yeah, I guess I do.
Homer: Welly, welly, welly. Mister Clean wants to hang with dirty Dingus McGee.
Ned: How 'bout it, Homer, will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer: Wellity wellity wellity-
Ned: Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer: Let's do it.

^ Love Ned's delivery on "Stop that!"

From Sunday, Cruddy Sunday:

Rudy: Can I come too?
Krusty: Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl.

^ LOL. What does "too small to go to the Super Bowl" even mean?!

From Homer vs. Patty and Selma:
Selma: Come on, Homer: you can't spell "obsequious" without I-O-U.
Homer: I'll have to trust you on that.

And from the same episode...

"All right, let's not panic: I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."

^ You're thinking of kidneys, Homer.

From Bart's Inner Child:

Brad Goodman: Troy, this circle is you.
Troy McClure: My God, it's like you've known me all my life!

From Marge in Chains:
Lionel Hutz: What kind of tie am I wearing?
Apu: You are wearing a red and white club tie in a half-windsor knot!
Lionel Hutz: Oh I am, am I? (turns around, struggling to get tie off) Is that what you think? Well if that is what you think, I’ve got something to tell you. Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows: (turns around) I’m not wearing a tie at all.

^ So ridiculous. First of all, everybody in the court room that he was facing could see him take the tie off. Second, it's funny just how long it takes him, and how he has to pad his speech because of it.

From Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie:

Homer: You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that!

From Whacking Day:

(after Grampa's story about riding out the war posing as a German cabaret singer)

Bart: Is that story true?
Grampa: Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period during the '40s. Oh, they had designers then!

From King of the Hill:

(after Grampa's story about falling 8,000 feet below onto jagged rocks)

"Of course, folks were tougher in those days. I was jitterbugging that very night!"

^ Uh-huh.

From The Cartridge Family:

"Watch the fish, Marge."

And from a scene later...

"Did you change the locks when you moved in? Hah, I thought not. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere."

^ LOL WUT

From Homer the Smithers:

"Get ready for exciting quarter-mile action at the Springfield Dragway. It'll be motorized mayhem mayhem mayhem. (off mic, softly) Do we need all those "mayhems"? We do. All right, fair enough. I suppose you know your business. (into mic) Get ready for fun, fun, fun! (off mic) I... The people are already here, we don't... need to keep hustling them like this, do we? Let go of me... Where are you throwing me?"

From Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 2:

Marge: The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it, they have Homer's DNA-
Lisa: They have Simpson DNA! It could have come from any of us, except you, since you're a Bouvier.
Marge: No no no, when I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it, including DNA.

^ Again, LOL WUT?

From The Old Man and the Lisa:

"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?"

^ Love how menacingly he says "synagogue".

 

[Desensitized]

I'm just gonna keep going until you surrender.

Should I start posting episode transcripts?


Bart the Murderer:

Homer: How much does it pay?
Bart: Thirty bucks a week!
Homer: Pfft! I make more than that.

^Cool story bro.


Wiggum: Let me refer that question back to Jack Larson, Laramie Tobacco Products. Jack?
Jack: Thank you, Chief. Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload of Laramie's, with their smoooooth good taste of fresh tobacco flavor is already heading towards Springfield. The driver has been instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks.
*crowd cheers*

^lol.


Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
Homer: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

^I love when Homer randomly sticks up for the plant, even though Burns can't even remember his name.



Marge: That pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks.
(Cut to a pizza delivery truck equipped with a satellite dish)
*inside the truck, full of surveillance equipment*
Marge's voice: How long does it take to deliver a pizza?
Man 1: Looks like our cover's blown.
Man 2: Let's roll. (the truck speeds off)
*back in the house*
Homer: See? It was all your imagination.
*another truck pulls into the spot that was vacated. The sign painted on the side says "Flowers By Irene"*
Marge: Mmmhmm...

^Yes Homer, nothing's wrong.