Great "Simpsons" Quotes

[rizwan787]

This is from the episode in which we find out the Principal Skinner is not the real Seymour Skinner, but in fact Armin Tamzarian. When the real Skinner (a war vet) comes back to town, Tamzarian is fired and the new Skinner takes over as principal. His first obstacle, getting someone to recite the pledge of allegiance.

Skinner: "... Now take a seat junior, and listen to someone who gave their youth in service of this country... Mrs. 'Crab-apple' the pledge please."
Krabappel: "You haven't dealt with women in a long time have you Sergeant?"
*pause*
Skinner: "Are you asking me out?"

 

[Rainbow Sharpie]

One of my all-time favorites is from the movie:

*Homer hits himself in the eye with the hammer*
*Bart laughs*
Homer: Why you little-! *strangles Bart* I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!

 

[Classic Speedy]

From Bart's Inner Child:

"Brad: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this, this...
Bart: Rudiger.
Brad: Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger-
Marge: His name is Bart.
Brad: His name isn't important!"

^ Love how Marge gets yelled at for something Bart did wrong. Bart calling himself "Rudiger" is funny and out of left field, too.

From She of Little Faith:

"Well, as long as your in my house, you'll do what I do, and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon." Then later... "Bacon up that sausage, boy."

^ Hilarious screw-you joke where you think he's talking to Lisa. Also, the very notion of putting butter on meat (and MEAT on meat) is ridiculous.

From Blame it on Lisa:

"Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil?"
"No sir, I didn't."
"CHOKE ON YOUR LIES!!!"

^ Overreact a little more there, Homer.

From Grift of the Magi:

"Neagle: I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.
Gary Coleman: Whatchu talkin' about, Miss Naegle?
Neagle: That is so adorable! You're rehired.
Gary Coleman: Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' about."

From Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 1:

"One last question: have you ever seen the sun set... at 3 PM?"
"Yar, once, while I was sailing 'round the arctic-"
"Shut up, you!"

From Rome-Old and Juli-Eh:

"Hey, Mr. Flanders, what'd you get? Some kind of bible garbage?"

^ I don't know why, but "Bible garbage" always makes me laugh.

From The PTA Disbands:

"All right, you listen up, you little FREAKS. The fun stops here. You're going to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not going to SCREW WITH!..... Marge Simpson!"

^ One of the funniest screw-you jokes ever.

From Treehouse of Horror V:

"Oh, relax, kids, I've got a gut feeling Uter is around here somewhere. (chuckles) After all, isn't there a little Uter in all of us? (chuckles) In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter and he's in our stomachs right now! (laughs) Wait... scratch that one."

^ Harry's delivery makes this bit.

From Homer the Great:

"Lenny: It's a secret. (Carl looks at Lenny in the middle of a drink)
Homer: Ssssssshut up!"

^ Third time's a charm.

From $pringfield:

"I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And, er, once elected, I will send for the rest of you."

^ Suuuuuure.

From Deep Space Homer:

"Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. (listens) Shut up!"

^ Funny on so many levels. The fact that Homer was somehow able to contact Clinton himself, the fact that "tang" is a double meaning and Homer doesn't realize it, and that he speaks so rudely to a (then) sitting president.

From Sunday, Cruddy Sunday:

"The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless. I mean, when you think about it."

From The Lastest Gun in the West:

"Milhouse: Would you lasso me a banana?
Buck: Now how the hell would I do that?"

From Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play:

"Remember when we saw Hunch's butt in the shower?"
"That was two seasons ago."

^ Amusing self-satirizing joke about how The Simpsons can't show butts anymore.

Bart Sells His Soul:

"Uhhhh Milhouse, give him back his soul! I've got work tomorrow."

From Homer Goes to College:

"Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt."

^ Homer's irrational hatred of the dean is great. And from the same episode...

"Dean: I'm sorry, boys. I've never expelled anyone before, but... that pig had some powerful friends.
Nixon: Oh you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!"

 

[JD08]

Marge: Good. I'm just saying that any boy who doesn't like you
is not worth your time.
Lisa: [begins to meditate] Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme
hum. Om mani padme hum.
Marge: Oh -- you're going to get a bath tonight.

2 from my favorite episode Tennis the Menance

Marge: Lisa! Did you make that awful effigy?
Homer: Hey, leave my teammate alone.
Bart: Lisa's your teammate? [laughs]
Lisa: What's so funny? I'm better than you.
Marge: Now Lisa, you know that's not true.
Lisa: How would you know? Your backhand looks like a rusty
gate.
Marge: Why you little ... come on, Bart. [they leave]
Homer: Babies!

^ So funny when Lisa get's Catty and Marge Get's Mad And Homer Just overlooks it.

Bart: Telegram for Lisa Simpson. [mimes opening an envelope]
Homer: [to Lisa] Don't listen! It's a trick.
Bart: Dear Lisa: Psych! Psych, psych, psych. Signed, Super-
psych.
Homer: [to Lisa] I think he's trying to psych you out.
Marge: Look, we're all trying to have dinner. So why don't we
just -- psych, psych, psych!

^ Me and My Friend use to say this to our teacher all the time when our class would eat

 

[Harvey Kent]

Treehouse of Horror XX


Apu: (Explaining why he hasn't turned into a zombie) "As a Hindu I am a vegetarian and as a convenience store owner I am armed to the teeth."


Marge: "What kind of people eat the flesh and drink the blood of their savior!?"

Cut to Rev. Lovejoy looking very uncomfortable.


IMO, two of the best jokes from this episode.

 

[Rocketboy]

"Hey, where is Bart? His dinner's getting cold and eaten."

 

[Monterey Jack]

From "Bart's Girlfriend" [paraphrased from memory]:

Bart: It's no use, Lisa, she's an evil genius, she reads at a fifth-grade level, and... [sighs] ...her hair smells like red fruit loops.

Lisa: Oh yeah? Well I eat Fruit Loops for breakfast!

It's the camera lean-in and threatening music sting that makes that joke work so well.

 

[Classic Speedy]

From Selma's Choice:

"Give her these, and these, and then these. (dumps a whole bunch of pills into Selma's hands)"
"Thank you, doctor."
"Oh I'm not a doctor!"

From He Loves to Fly and He D'oh's:

"(regarding the flight attendant) And... just so you know, she'll do anything for you. (quickly) Anything except sex! (normally) And I DO mean, anything."

^ Well then it's not EVERYTHING, is it?

From Lisa the Treehugger:

"Look at these refugees. How about a smile?!"

From The Principal and the Pauper:

"Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Capital City's nakedest ladies. They're not even wearing, a smile. Nod suggestively. Yes, six, count 'em, six gorgeous ladies just dying... for your leers and cat calls. Yowsa, yowsa."

^ Love how flatly Skinner reads that line.

From Lost Our Lisa:

"Burns: Shouldn't you be at work right now?
Homer: Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Burns, sir...
Burns: Well, then get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are."

^ One of the many times when Burns's forgetfulness works in Homer's favor.

From $pringfield:

"Oh, it's always something, isn't it? First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you. And now this."

^ LOL. That's not many things.

From Homer Simpson in Kidney Trouble:

"And, uh, are those your original lips?"
"Well actually, I... HEY! Quit harvesting me with your eyes!"

From Dumbbell Indemnity:

"That's what you get for not Hailing to the Chimp!"

From Maximum Homerdrive:

Actress: "You mean, it ate Patrick too?"
Actor: "It ate everybody."
Actress: "What about Erika?"
Homer/Actor: "IT ATE EVERYBODY!"
Homer: ...Stupid!"

From The Homer They Fall:

"Son, there's only one thing punks like that understand: Squealing. You've got to squeal to every teacher and every grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start."
"But then they'll just beat me up even worse!"
"...Yes, they are a clever bunch."

From Mom and Pop Art:

"So you better catch the fever! (to Bart, menacingly) CATCH IT...."

From The Haw-Hawed Couple:

"Neslon: Uh, I know it seems a little quiet. Must be a lot of traffic today. Is Highway 88 backed up?
Bart: Oh, yeah, it's a parking lot out there.
Nelson: Of course, that explains everything. Stupid Highway 88! (laughs nervously)"

^ I love Nelson's laugh at the end of that.

From Behind the Laughter:

"I wanna set the record straight: I THOUGHT the cop was a prostitute. (nods smugly)"

^ Yeah, that really helps.

From Bart the Lover:

"Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?"
"Hell no." (family gasps)
"What did you say?"
"I said I don't want any damn vegetables."
"Oh that's IT, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight."

 

[Eleanor Hugbees]

"DENTAL PLAN!"

"I'm not popular enough to be different!"

"Stop, He's gradually getting away!"

"Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were making babies in the closet, and I saw one of the babies, and it looked at me."

"We got to get back to see Matlock! MAAAATLLOOCK!"

and many, many more i'm too lazy to type out.

 

[SycrosD4]

Homer: "I HATE THIS SUB-CONTINENT!!!" (speaking of India)

Homer: "YAY! I've been jailed in six continents! Now all I have to do is kill a penguin!"

 

[rizwan787]

*Homer is gobbling up several bowls of gray mush with gusto*
Female Movmentarian: "Why isn't our low-protein gruel wearing down his resistance?"
Male Movmentarian: "It doesn't wear down your resistance when you eat a whole month's supply!"

Then later...

Female Movmentarian:"It's not use. He's obviously the most powerful mind we've ever dealt with."
Male Movmentarian: "Or... Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader! Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader!
Brainwashed Group: "Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader! Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader! Leader, Leader,"
Homer: "Batman! I mean, Leader! I love the Leader!"

From the Joy of Sect. I like how the Batman theme is Homer's kryptonite in this situation; classic Simpsons.

 

[CrazyChase]

Can't believe no one has quoted this one yet...

"They're heading for the old mill!"
"No we're not!"
"Well. Let's go to the old mill anyway! Get some cider!"
-Bart's Inner Child

 

[RedNinja84]

I thought of two good ones from "Sideshow Bob Roberts:

Adter Bart and Lisa are thrown from Bob's limo, Archie and the gang pull up and toss Homer Out.

Moose:"And stay out of Riverdale."

And later in the parking grarage:
Lisa: "This is so exciting, I feel like Woodward and Bernstein."
Bart: "Yeah, but their dad wasn't in the car reading Archie Comics."
Homer: "Stuck up Riverdale punks, think they're so cool."

I laugh every time I see this because it is so surreal.

 

[Classic Speedy]

From Bart's Inner Child:

"You're off the case, McGonigle!"
"You're off YOUR case, chief."
"What does THAT mean?"
"It means he GETS RESULTS, YOU STUPID CHIEF!"
"Dad, sit down."

 

[rizwan787]

Lisa: "It could be anything. It could be a mutant from the nuclear plant!"
Burns: "Oh fiddle-faddle. Everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray."
Smithers: "You mean the revolver, sir?"
Burns: "Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when your finished."

From Lisa the Skeptic

 

[Monterey Jack]

"They're heading for the old mill!"
"No we're not!"
"Well. Let's go to the old mill anyway! Get some cider!"
-Bart's Inner Child

Skinner: Damn! They're very...slowly...getting away!

 

[Desensitized]

Homer: Hello, Dean? You're a stupid head!
Dean: *Looks out window* Homer? Is that you?
Homer: Wah! *Runs*

 

[JD08]

Judge: I can see you sincerely want your children back, but you have a
lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return your
children, you'll have to complete a course called "Family
Skills". It teaches parents to listen to their --
Homer: Communication, gotcha.
Judge: But it's important to --
Homer: Listen, yes, I know.
Judge: But there's more to it than --
Homer: I have listening skills!
Judge: Mr. Simpson, would you please --
Homer: Shut up, Judge!

another from the same episode

Marge: It's so quiet here without the kids.
Homer: What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy
tunes.
[talks into her saxophone to the tune of Beethoven's fifth]
Saxama-phone! Saxama-phone! [sighs] Oh.
Marge: I miss the way Bart would say something, and then say "dude".
Homer: I wish I knew something about the baby I could miss now.
Marge: You mean Maggie?
Homer: [happy] That's it.

Homer was so satisfied and poor marge didn't have anything to remember bart aside from his catchphrases.

 

[rizwan787]

Tax Auditor: "Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over 9 tax returns a day. Did you really thing you could fool it?"
Homer: *as a young boarding school boy* "No sir, I'm really sorry sir, and older boy told me to do it."
Tax Auditor: "You're looking at five years, minimum."
Homer: "No sir, please I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie."
Tax Auditor: You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going: prison!"

From Trouble with Trillions. Also,

Homer: "Here trilly, trilly."

 

[ToOn~g@l]

Both of these quotes are from Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Bart: No offence there Homer but your half assed underparenting was a lot better than your half assed over parenting
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.

Homer: I'm a screw up I burnt down our house
Grampa: No I'm a screw up I burnt down our house
Homer: you know what?
Grampa: What?
Homer: We're both screw ups.

From E-I-E-I D'oh
Marge: (after the field failed to produce any crops) Maybe it needs more fertilizer
Homer: I'm only one man Marge.