Great "Simpsons" Quotes

[rizwan787]

Officer: "Okay, one last question Mr. Simpson. This place 'Moe's' you were at prior to the accident, what kind of institution is it?"
*Homer's brain* Don't tell him you were at a bar. Oh, but what else is open at night?"
Homer out loud: "It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography."
*Homer's brain* Swish.

 

[Classic Speedy]

Officer: "Okay, one last question Mr. Simpson. This place 'Moe's' you were at prior to the accident, what kind of institution is it?"
*Homer's brain* Don't tell him you were at a bar. Oh, but what else is open at night?"
Homer out loud: "It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography."
*Homer's brain* Swish.

Already mentioned. I agree, though, great exchange.

From Dog of Death:

"I knew we wouldn't win."
"Then why didn't you tell the rest of us? WHY DID YOU KEEP IT A SECRET?! (to Bart) If you were 17, we'd be rich. But noooooooo, YOU had to be TEN!"

^ Er, the fault's on your end for that one, Homer.

From Homer Simpson in Kidney Trouble:

"Why didn't someone tell me what I was volunteering for? This is everybody's fault but mine."

^ This is seriously one of my favorite Homer lines of all time.

From Lost Our Lisa:

"Lisa: Dad?
Homer: Who is this?
Lisa: It's Lisa! I just called to tell you how much I love you and can I take the bus to the museum?
Homer: Museum? I don't like the sound of that... what did your mother say?
Lisa: Umm, I wasn't one hundred percent clear on that. She said something, but she was kind of in a rush to get Bart to the emergency room.
Homer: Hmmm, so you wanna take the bus, huh? I don't know, that's a pretty big decision.
Lisa: Well, if it would put your mind at ease I could take a limousine. But that would cost $200.
Homer: $200?! Ohh, isn't there any other way?
Lisa: Hmmm, I guess I could take the bus if you think that's a better idea.
Homer: Frankly, I do. I know you had your heart set on the limo but sometimes daddy's have to say no, honey. I'm afraid you're gonna have to take the bus.
Lisa: Alright.
Homer: That a girl, I love you so- (Lisa hangs up)"

^ This is a GREAT exchange. Not only does it showcase Lisa's ability to outsmart her own father, but there are little touches that make it amusing, like how Homer doesn't even react to the news that Bart went to the hospital, or that he doesn't like the sound of Lisa going to a museum, or that he doesn't even recognize his own daughter on the other end.

From Dumbbell Indemnity:

"Yeah, big deal. You've got a wife- I got a rash. Who cares?"

From Homer the Smithers:

"Here are your messages:
"You have 30 minutes to move your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 minutes to move your cube".

From The Old Man and the Lisa:

"A half-ton of newspaper and all we get is seventy five cents? That won't even cover the gas I used to go to the store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles!"
"Sounds like SOMEONE'S workin' for their CAR! Simplify, man!"

From Raging Abe Simpson:

"OUR RESIDENTS... (shoots) ARE TRYING... (shoots) TO NAP!"

From Fear of Flying:

"Lisa, the important thing is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep down inside her, so she'll never annoy us again."

From Monty Can't Buy Me Love:

"There's the store where I buy my yarn! But you don't want to buy your buttons there."
"Whew, well I dodged a bullet."

And from the same episode... "I was a little worried when he swallowed me, but, well, you know the rest."

^ I'm not a big fan of the Lochness scene, but I LOVE that line.

From Bart's Comet:

"I kind of figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families."
"No deal. Out."

^ Homer's line is delivered PERFECTLY.

From Homer Bad Man:

"Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers."

^ So ridiculous.

From Secrets of a Successful Marriage:

"Marge, just about everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom."

^ I'm not sure what Bible passage he's referring to, but it's an amusing line.

From Bart Star:

"Who are we?"
"The Wildcats!"
"Who are we gonna beat?"
"The Wildcats!"

And another fave from the same episode:

"Mr. Burns? This is Homer J. Simpson, the father of the big quitter! Well, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter, too! And I quit!" (winks)
"Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking."
"So- (screams and hangs up)"

From The Mansion Family:

"Thank you all so much. I love Springfield from the cuddliest infant... (glances through speech) puppies, patriotism, bluebirds... pffft! I'm not reading this drivel. This speech is over."

^ Good old Burns.

From A Milhouse Divided:

"And another thing: It's only 5:30. Why are you in your underwear?"
"Hey, this ain't The Ritz."

 

[rizwan787]

All from Kamp Crusty.

Jimbo: "Mr. Black another brandy."
Mr. Black: "Gentlemen, to evil."
This is so great because Jimbo is at most 11 and he's supposedly drinking brandy.

Mr. Black: "Children, I have a special treat for you. Krusty the Clown is here."
Bart: *paranoid voice* "See, I told you Krusty would come! He's gonna bring us food, and water, and smite our enemies!"
At this point, Kamp Krusty might as well be a slave labor camp, and all this time Bart has held onto the tiny glimmer of hope that Kursty will come to the camp like he said in the commercial.

Mr. Black: "I thought you said you broke their spirits!"
Jimbo: "But we did!"
*Mr. Black backhands him*
Mr. Black: "You broke nothing! Quick, to the hydrofoil!"

 

[Wonderwall]

"I keep telling you ain't no hookers 'round here."
"Uh huh, and where do you keep the hookers?"
"'Round back...woooops."

I love how he was so easily fooled without ever really being tricked. And the way he says woops always gets me.

 

[Nygma]

Homer: So I told the nurse, "You can take your free tetanus shot and shove it!" <high fives Bart>

 

[chalmers]

I got one, one that comes from an episode most Simpsons fans dislike wholeheartedly, although I kind of like it.

Homer: "He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life."

I'm almost certain someone here uses that as their sig, but I don't know who.

Also, I took a look back and realized not many people have done any from one of my favorite episodes, Boy Scoutz N The Hood, so I'll do a few:

Homer: "Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut."
Homer's Brain: "Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts."
Homer: "Explain how."
Homer's Brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services."
Homer: "Woo-hoo!"

Homer: "Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasels."

Mrs. Krababbel:"Guess what class?"
Martin: "It's time for a pop quiz?"
Mrs K.: "Well, that's not what I was going to say, but it sounds like a good idea! Ha!"

A few minutes later...

Nelson: "Hey look, it's Sergeant Dork! Ha-ha!"
Bart: "Enjoy your test!"
Nelson: "Ha-H- oh!"

Flanders: "Well, it's Bart Simpson! Come on in, you're just in time for 'Sponge the Old Folks Day'!"
Jasper: "Help yourself. But stay above the equator!"

Homer: "Mmm. floor pie!"

Bart: (to himself)"Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask him and he'll say 'no', and then it'll be his fault."
Homer: (to himself)"I don't want to go, so when he asks me, I'll just say 'yes'."
Homer's brain: "Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?"
Homer: "Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!"

(both Homer and Bart march out of their rooms into the middle of the landing and face each other.)

Bart: (through clenched teeth)"Homer, I'd really like you to come on this trip with me."
Homer: (through clenched teeth)"Bart, I'd be delighted to go on your trip with you."

(slight pause)

Homer and Bart: (in unison)"D'oh!"

 

[JD08]

Wiggum: Time to put on that ol wiggum charm *Walking up to Mrs. Lovejoy*
Mrs. Lovejoy: PERVERT!

Marge:Edna
Edna: Marge
Marge:Helen
Helen: Marge
*Walks up to Agnes*
Marge: Uh....hm
Agnes: My name is Agnes it means lamb, lamb of god
Marge: I'm sorry Agnes!
Agnes: Marge

Marge: Discoveries by Homer
Homer: Shut-up

Homer: *Wakes up* That's the guy that's the guy from my dream you won't be smiling for long

Bart & Milhouse: Sisters are doin it for themselves (Bart falls off bed)
Homer: AHHHH! What are you doing in here and I want the non-gay answer
Milhouse: Were just really drunk
Bart: ooooh

Lisa: Dad wait it's poison
Homer:....*shrugs and starts to eat it*
Lisa: Uh It's diet!
Homer: Nooo!

Homer: She has HRH on her Briefcase that can only mean her real name is Henerietta R, Hippo

Marge: Yarn her socks....I Say Darn her

Lisa: Mom The goose is still on the loose
Marge: Nnnnh!

Homer: Please lord guide this cinderblock

Marge: Shut-up Becky There I finally said it.

Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going?
Edna: To Capital City.
Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer: And why is Marge here?
Marge: I came up with the idea.
Homer: And why am I here?
Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer: Why are the kids here?
Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer: And why is Grandpa here?
Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself! (Jasper looks at Abe)
Homer: Fair enough.

Agnes:Get in the car
Skinner: Yes mother
Agnes: And that goes for the rest of you get in the car!
All: Yes Mrs. Skinner

Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!
Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us!
Bart (gasps in terror): You didn't crucify him?
Reverend (hearty laugh): No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. If you'll come with me, I'll be happy to give you his address.
Agnes: And then buy something or get out! (Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.) Angel!

 

[rizwan787]

Skinner: "Remember Otto, we're entrusting you with the school's greatest natural resource; the school bus."

 

[Luna]

Some more great quotes....

On going to church...

Marge: Homer,the Lord only asks for one hour a week...

Homer: In that case,He should've made the week an hour longer...Lousy God!!!..

(this exchange tends to go through my head whenever I have to get up early for church )

*****
Another religion quote by Homer...

"Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way?...By praying like hell on my deathbed!!!"

****
from Homer the Heretic (Homer decides to skip church)

Bart: Hey,where's Homer?

Marge: Your father's....resting...

Bart: "Resting", hung over?,"resting",got fired?...Help me out here...

(I love that Bart's well aware of Homer's faults)...

 

[Desensitized]

"STOP! STOOoooOOP! HE'S ALREADY DEAD!"

I think that's the best and funniest quote in the entire history of the Simpsons.

Homer beating a childhood icon to near death purely because of his own ignorance of the border between the real world and commercials. That and the reactions of the children and the guy next him ("It's just an act!") never fail to make me lose it.

 

[Classic Speedy]

From Radioactive Man:

"Qviet! Maybe I can get my citizenship."

^ Good unexpected gag. And I find it funny how Bart didn't realize it wasn't Milhouse even though he probably saw him walking into the classroom.

From This Little Wiggy:

"Greetings, Earth children."
"Where are you from?"
"......Earth."

From Simpson Tide:

"I'm a man of few words. (pause) Any questions?"
"Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?"
"(laughs) I like the cut of your jib."
"What's a jib?"
"(laughs) Promote that man!"

From Moe n'a Lisa:

"That's sweet. I HATE sweet! I need photos! Photos of Spider-Man!"

^ J. Jonah Jameson is one of the highlights in this otherwise dull episode.

From Scenes From the Class Struggle in Springfield:

"That's the trouble with first impressions. You only get to make one."
"Bells? Where exactly will you be attaching them to that mangled Chanel suit?"
"I thought that perhaps changing suits had gone out of fashion. Eh, Marge?"

^ What a word that rhymes with witch. But that exaggerated jerk quality is what makes her funny.

From Bart Carny:

"Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun, boys. But, I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.
Homer: And how!
Wiggum: Gee, I hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little uh, understanding here.
Homer: I understand.
Bart: ....Um, hey dad, I.. I.. think he wants..
Homer: Not now, son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.
Wiggum: Let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend, Bill. Have you seen any bills around here?
Homer: No. (pause) He's Bart.
Wiggum: Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay?
Homer: Okay.
Wiggum: The guy I'm really looking for, wink, is Mr. Bribe. Wink, wink.
Homer: .......It's a Ring Toss game!
Wiggum: All right, that's it, I'm shutting this game down."

^ One of the funniest exchanges. Homer is so clueless.

From Little Big Mom:

"You hit her pretty hard there, Rick."

^ Ah, spousal abuse. Not usually funny, but put in the context of I Love Lucy, when Ricky is always yelling at Lucy yet never actually hits her on the show, it's gold.

From The Joy of Sect:

"Homer Simpson, your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years. Then something might open in a double."
"Ha! Why even unpack?"

From Bart After Dark:

"I've got rocks that need washing at home."

^ Not a line that gets a lot of love, but now it gets some props.

From Lisa the Vegetarian:

"They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe!"
"Now as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the Meat Council, please help yourself to this tripe."

From Lisa vs. Malibu Stacey:

"Ow! Damn sandwich took a bite out of me!"

From Kill the Alligator and Run:

"Here's your mail, dad. That'll be $3 for on-couch delivery."
"And three makes three."
"This money's from the Montana Militia. It isn't real.
"It'll be real soon enough. "

From Take My Wife, Sleaze:

"Ey, remember the Fifties? Remember television, Coca-Cola, and Dick Clark?"
"(gasps) I remember television!"

^ LOL. How can you remember television when you're watching the commercial on it? And all of those things are still around. (EDIT 12/11/12: Not Dick Clark anymore, though)

From A Fish Called Selma:

"Cigarette, Mrs. McClure?"
"You bet! From now on, she's smoking for two!"

^ What exemplary parenting.

From Burns' Heir:

"I specifically said, no geeks!"
"But my mom says I'm cool..."

Oh man, so many good quotes. Somebody stop me.

 

[JD08]

Stacy Lavelle: Ah Not Today I'm too drunk
Lisa: No you're not
Stacy Lavelle: Takes a drink *has drunk look on her face*

Lisa: Make sure you get my mom's hair just right!
Stacy Lavelle: Um, I think we'll use someone different for the hair.
Lisa: How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Um, there's something not quite…
Bart: How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Uh…
Homer: How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: You all have hideous hair!
*Gasp* I mean, from a design point of view.
(Why were they so surprised?)

Daddy: Goodbye, Margie. Be a good girl, now. [gets on plane]
Marge: Why does Daddy have to leave?
Mommy: Because he's a pilot. He flies all over the world.
Marge: I want to see Daddy fly. [runs up plane steps]
Mommy: Margie! No, come back!
[Marge gets inside, looks around]
Marge: Daddy? Daddy, where are --
Daddy: [a steward] So, who wants pre-flight cookie? Fig Newtons?
Hydrox?
Marge: Daddy? Aah!
Daddy: Don't look at me. Don't look at me!

 

[Desensitized]

"We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in!"
"But, sir..."
*loads gun* "I said 'hop in'."

There was absolutely no way for Smithers to get out of that one. It's no wonder he never appears for the rest of the episode.

I mean, you can't tell me anyone here expected that to happen, right?

 

[rizwan787]

Hibert: "Ok now Mr. Simpson, this is a new body fat analysis test. I start the jiggling, and see how long it takes to stop."
*slaps Homers stomach fat and it begins jiggling, a few seconds go by and the jiggling hasn't even slowed down*
Homer: "Whoohoo, look at that blubber fly!"
Hibert: "Yes. Nurse, cancel my one o'clock."

From Homer's Triple Bypass.

 

[Classic Speedy]

How could I forget one of the best exchanges ever? This comes from season 2's O Brother Where Art Thou?:

Director: (who obviously is Dr. Hibbert's brother) I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
Director: Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great! Where can I find him?
Director: I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to release that information.
Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here. Please!
Director: Well, I--I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. Even... Detroit.
Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of Brotherly Love isn't Philadelphia. It's Detroit.
Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever-
Director: Read between the lines, you fool!
Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your-
Homer: Just take it and tell me!
Director: Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
Homer: Fine! Thank you!

So many great things about this.
A) Homer's so preoccupied with himself that he can't see that the director is so clearly Dr. Hibbert's long-lost brother, and could help him out.
B) He doesn't pick up the not-so-subtle hints that the director gives him about Homer's brother.
C) Homer wasted $20 for information when he didn't have to pay a cent.
D) Speaking of needless turns, their whole exchange would've been much more pleasant had Homer not been so belligerent, which was caused by his clueless demeanor.

Classic Homer.

 

[JTurner954]

This thread could easily last longer than the series because there are so many quotes that can be interpreted as great for different reasons (delivery, personal relation to the subject at hand, etc). I love how people aren't just listing quotes from "the golden years" including those who I've seen mentioned how much they hate every season past them. Ahhh, the power of The Simpsons.

It's impossible for me to list all of my favorite quotes from a 20+ year old show so I'll just go with what's on my mind, beginning with a conga:

"You don't win friends with salad, You don't win friends with salad, You don't win friends with salad ..."

A couple of Nelson quotes:

"Your position has been usurped ..... USURPED".

"Haw Haw, I touched your heart".

A chant for the leader: "Nanananana leader ... leader .... BATMAN!! I mean, Leader".

- "You have insulted my honor and I demand satisfaction".

Ray Majini and Homer at the hardware store:

Ray (holding a box): Hey Homer, I just got a case of the shingles.

Homer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA what's in the box?

- "Beware the wrath of Kwan".

One of the senior citizens at sea with Bart and Lisa: "I want some taquitos" I love how they even use that line during the end credits.

"Kids, I have some bad news about Lenny" "NOT LENNY"

Homer (on the deck of a navy submarine): "It's my first day".

"The line is up and at them" "UP AND ATOM" (love how McBain says that line)

Homer (after cursing due to Bart's antics with a car): "Very well. I will send Bart the money. : in a cutesy tone: Then I will murder him."

"Lisa likes Milhouse" "NOBODY LIKES MILHOUSE"

Sideshow Bob's son (in stabbing motion): Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson.

Homer (after seeing the real Seymour Skinner): Continue looking shocked and move slooowly towards the cake".

From two weeks ago: "Drink. Always drink".

- "nobody suspects .... the butterfly" :cue Principal Skinner: "I tell you, it was the butterfly who did it". :close up of butterfly bart laughing:

Homer as The Pieman about to throw a pie: "I've run out of clever puns" :throws pie:

"Bye Bye Sherri Bobbins. Thanks for everything." "So Long, Superman".

Marge: Bad dog .... bad cat .... bad fawn.

"Homer, you've just been shot. You should go to the hospital". Homer: "After pie".

Marge (as a bodybuilder): You've just been Marge-inized.

Woman in audience: That man has the heart of a poet.

Barney: You're very kind.

Woman: Ugh, did something just crawl in your throat and die.

Barney: It didn't die.

During the end credits: Woman: "Shhhh" Simon Cowell: "Oh, shh yourself".

Homer, while being attacked by crows: "That is NOT a worm".

Then there's Mr. Rogers line while he, along with PBS, is chasing Homer. I'd like to quote it but it has language that may anger the mods that be.

I could really go on and on and come up with more based solely on a quick episode description (I'm not the type who memorizes episode titles), but I don't want to mess up quotes verbatum or copy a quote someone else listed like I probably already have.

 

[JD08]

Skinner: Boo!
Edna: Oh Boo yourself

Edna: Fever! *Pops Ballon*
Bart: Kill me
^ Bart's timing was on point.

Miss Hoover: You earned your A+++, Lisa!
Lisa: Actually there are four plusses.
Miss Hoover: No, that's Drambuie.

Cookie: Marge..Stay off the west side
later
Cookie: Are you guys talking about the westside?!
Gil: No Cookie I swear I'm scared of you

Ms. McConnell :Lisa comes to us from Ms. Hoover… (makes drinking sounds)
While Bart was taught by Mrs. Krabappel. (fake cough) Slut!

 

[rizwan787]

This thread could easily last longer than the series because there are so many quotes that can be interpreted as great for different reasons (delivery, personal relation to the subject at hand, etc). I love how people aren't just listing quotes from "the golden years" including those who I've seen mentioned how much they hate every season past them. Ahhh, the power of The Simpsons.

One of the many reasons I started this thread. Here's one from the Principal and the Pauper.

Bart: "But he lied about his name."
Lisa: "His name doesn't matter. 'A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.'"
Bart: "Not if you called them stench blossoms
Homer: "Or crap weeds."
Marge: "I sure would hate to get a dozen crap weeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy."
Homer: "Not if they were called scum drops."

 

[Classic Speedy]

I love how people aren't just listing quotes from "the golden years" including those who I've seen mentioned how much they hate every season past them. Ahhh, the power of The Simpsons.

Well, to be fair, there can be hilarious lines in episodes that one would otherwise consider of poor quality. Additionally, not everyone hates every single episode after what they feel was the decline.

Anyways, some more:

From Homie the Clown:

"Aw, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I've leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business."

^ Try saying "clown" a few more times, Homer.

From Radioactive Man:

"Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, Radio Man-"
"Radioactive Man, stupid!"
"Strange, I shouldn't have been able to hear that."

^ Great self-referential gag.

From I'm Spelling As Fast As I Can:

"Paris is no more. That's right, the legendary City of Lights has been extinguished forever, as a massive-" (Marge shuts off TV)

^ Poor Paris. Nobody in the Simpson household cares about it.

From Faith Off:

"Big game fever is reaching a fever pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U. and Springfield A&M spreads like wildfever. (off-camera) This is writing?!"
"I'm sorry Uncle Kent; I lost my thesaurus."
"Lost your thesaurus... you'll lose more than THAT. (to camera) In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever. AARGH!"

From Stop! Or My Dog Will Shoot:

"Children, line up according to height. No, weight. No, the sum total of the letters in your last name if each letter is assigned a numeric value according to its place in the alphabet. Quickly, now!"

^ Couldn't have been more confusing if he tried.

From Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 1:

"Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!"

From Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade:

"Canada's Governor's General: Clowns Love Haircuts, So Should Lee Marvin's Valet."

^ Fun with abbreviations.

From Mountain of Madness:

"Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates."
"Yes, well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately."

From Mr. Plow:

"Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow, you know, from "Leave It To Beaver". (listens) Yeah, they were gay."

^ The end of that just comes out of nowhere. I love it. Apparently the writers had to fight for that line to be in the episode. I'm glad they did.

From Homer the Vigilante:

"Well, Mr. Cat Burglar, you'd like to get in here, wouldn't you? There's just one little problem: 36 years ago, some lady gave birth to a man named Homer J. Simp- OH MY GOD- underage kids drinking beer without a permit! (excitedly runs over)"

From Homer Loves Flanders:

"Hey Flanders, over here! I got us some kickass seats!"

^ Such appropriate church talk. And I love how nobody cares because everyone suddenly loves Homer for his charity work.

From Secrets of a Successful Marriage:

"Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order. The whole freaking system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown."

From Lisa on Ice:

"We're having our best season ever. And I would like to say that it is because of teamwork... who am I kidding, huh? It's all because of Lisa."

^ Something you'll never hear from a coach. Well, maybe you would- what do I know?

From Summer of 4 Ft. 2:

"Hmm, I bet this place sells illegal fireworks ... just act casual, like you buy them all the time. (to clerk, loudly) Hi... ummm... let me have some of those porno magazines... large box of condoms... a couple of those panty shields (quickly) and some illegal fireworks (normal) and one of those disposable enemas. Ehhh... make it two."

^ Brilliantly read by Dan. And a good twist on a relatable premise.

From My Sister, My Sitter:

"Citizens of Springfield, I officially declare this... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!"

^ Way to overreact, Quimby.

From Make Room For Lisa:

"Hey, you're mad at me. That wasn't your mayonnaise, was it?"

^ So random.

 

[DarthGonzo]

"Hmm, I bet this place sells illegal fireworks ... just act casual, like you buy them all the time. (to clerk, loudly) Hi... ummm... let me have some of those porno magazines... large box of condoms... a couple of those panty shields (quickly) and some illegal fireworks (normal) and one of those disposable enemas. Ehhh... make it two."- Summer of 4 Ft. 2

^ Brilliantly read by Dan. And a good twist on a relatable premise.

And I love that they have Marge go though the bag of all that stuff a little later in the episode.

"I don't know what you have planned tonight, but count me out."